What I Wish I Knew as a Mom To a Very High Energy Toddler

No joke. When my first son was very young, I scoured as many parenting book indexes to find information on what to do with a high energy toddler. When I couldn’t find “high energy”, I would scan the “C” section to see if I could find, “Crazy Toddler!”

I never found either in any book. Womp. Womp.

As a first time mom, I had already read the typical advice offered to discipline children. The positive discipline and positive parenting tactics worked great when it came to following instructions and sleeping at night.

He listened (fairly well), had very kind intentions, seemed to have an advanced understanding of differences in other children and wanted to do well.

However, he literally bounced off the walls and acted CRAZY!! People will sometimes compare kids to the Energizer Bunny, well my high energy toddler would give that bunny a run for its money! **I did get his permission to share this. He has seen the videos and concurs.

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I had heard that boys had a ton of energy. I accepted that, but this was far more than I ever thought was possible. When he was two and three, he would literally run as fast as he could into the wall to see if he could knock himself out. I watched my little brother grow up, but he was quite docile. This was new territory for me!

Without understanding what behavior was or that brains could be differently wired, I really had no starting point to make sense of what was happening inside the walls of my house.

One day when my husband was out of town, I had a pivotal moment. My son was getting a shower throwing water everywhere, grabbing his brother, yelling on top of his lungs and completely out of control. He was happy, but yet, had zero control over his actions.

I sat on the toilet with this thought…

“I quit motherhood.”

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

As my son grew, started school and we learned more about how his brain was wired, a lot of things started to make sense.

If you find yourself in the same boat of not knowing what to do with your overly active hyper, maybe sometimes crazy child, here are some things I wish I would have known that may help you.

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

First and foremost, I think reading The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson should be a prerequisite to becoming a parent. I’m telling you, this book does such an incredible job explaining what is happening in your child’s brain in a very practical easy-to-digest way.

Basically, the brain works best when it’s integrated which means all the parts are working together in a balanced way. Kids need to use their right emotional brain WITH their left logical brain in order to live a meaningful, creative, balanced and fulfilling life.

We can help our kids do this first by connecting our right brain state to their own right brain state to their right brain state. Then once they are calm, it’s time to bring in the rational thought and logic to make sense of their behaviors.

From reading the book, I was also able to fully grasp the difference between the upstairs thinker brain and downstairs reactive brain.

When kids have access to their prefrontal cortex (which doesn’t fully develop until they are in their late 20’s!), they can think clearly, make good decisions, understand the consequences for poor choices, be creative and all the things. When they are acting out of their downstairs brain, it can get a little chaotic.

Dr. Siegel explains all of this in a way that is so relevant to parents. When kids are in a reactive state where they are angry, sad, frustrated or out of control, a baby gate is slammed shut at the bottom of the steps stopping any access to the upstairs brain. As parents, we need to open that baby gate by connecting with our child and getting him or her to calm down.

When I had a crazy high energy toddler on my hands, all I needed to do was get on his level, connect with him, name what was going on and get him connected to his upstairs brain so he could act like a calm human again.

How to Look Underneath the Surface

Behavior is communication. No matter how a child is acting, he or she is communicating with you.

Underneath every unwanted behavior is usually an unmet need.

Although my son wasn’t disobeying or making poor choices, there was a reason he was running full speed into the wall.

How a child acts on the outside is like the tip of the iceberg poking out of the water. It’s what is underneath the surface that gives us insight as to where the behavior is coming from.

For my high energy toddler, it was a sensory need. I still don’t have a full understanding of the proprioceptive system and sensory output versus input, but what I do know is some kids have challenges with responding to information that comes through their senses.

He had a need that required him to want movement and physical contact. It’s what is called sensory seeking. Here are signs to look out for:

• Touches everything!
• Is very physical and prefers to play rough (although the intent may not be to hurt)
• Is clumsy or always falling
• Has a high tolerance for pain
• Squirms and fidgets a lot – it seems like he or she never stops moving!

Yep, this pretty much sums up my son as a toddler.

If I had this knowledge, I could have created more structure to his day with routines and given him tools to calm down (like in my calm down kit!).

I also wish I would have known about other outlets that we have found that work to fulfill his sensory needs such as fidgets, a weighted blanket, squeezy balls, mazes, joint compressions, a trampoline or anything else that allowed him to get energy out in a safe way. My friend, Julie, has a GREAT list of activities for kids to get the proprioceptive and vestibular sensory input they need.

Read Next: Routines for Kids: How They Work and & How To Create Your Own

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

I knew every kid was unique and special. I mean, I had a whole unit on it in 5th, 6th and 7th Grade! However, I had no idea there was something called asynchronous development or neurodiversity.

There is the neurotypical brain that develops at a certain rate compared to other brains the same age. All the milestones and neural connections are in “sync”. Then there is the neurodiverse brain that may be advanced in some areas and behind in others so the development is uneven in intellectual, physical and emotional development. This is a trait found in gifted children. The higher the IQ, the more out of sync these areas of development tend to be.

This is where it gets tricky with doctors and schools because the systems, at least in our culture in the U.S.. are set up for neurotypical kids.

So here I was asking for help wondering why in the world my son could make the coolest creations out of paper and take any kind of electronic apart and put it back together (at age THREE!) and do math in his head, but yet he could not control his emotions, body or actions as well as other kids his age. The only answer I would get from professionals was to make sure I kept him safe. And that alone was no easy task!

Simply by understanding that he was not on the same level as his peers or who is teachers and doctors were comparing him to, I could have helped him in a bigger way. Instead of feeling like I wanted to quit motherhood, I could have provided ways to help my high energy toddler develop the skills in the areas he was developmentally behind in.

Connection is More Important Than Correction

When my son was little, I joined a lot of mommy groups! The common topic discussed was how to get our toddlers and preschoolers to listen! How do we get our kids to do what we want when we want them to do something.

Wow! Has my perspective changed!! And for the better! I don’t have to stress out so much. I could have prevented so many frustrating moments back when I was that first-time mom seeking out these kinds of answers.

What would have been helpful was to learn how to connect before I corrected my child’s behavior. Most of the time, it wasn’t even “wrong” behavior but rather, too much craziness and hyperactivity that I couldn’t handle.

It’s that simple. Instead of having to count to three or five or fifty, give time outs or do whatever other advice I found, all I needed to do was learn how my high energy toddler liked to connect. He still prefers a hug, eye contact, and affirmations.

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

Lastly, I didn’t really take care of myself. Instead, I put all my energy and effort into chasing after a crazy high energy toddler! How in the world could I have time to focus on myself?

What I found as my kids got older is when I focus on self-care every day (not just Sundays!), I have a whole lot more to give. Self-care doesn’t have to be this long day at the spa. Instead, it can be squeezing in a workout, spending time with friends, reading the Bible and praying, or heck, taking a shower and actually blow drying your hair! Some of these were extremely hard to do with a very high energy toddler running around screaming, but I should have made them a priority!

If you struggle with self-care, check out my free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter.

A Note To The Mama With a High Energy Toddler (Who May Be Driving You a Little Bonker Balls)

I want to tell you that I can relate. Seriously, if you don’t know where to turn and you’re struggling to help calm your child, CONTACT ME! I’d love to chat and help you figure out what’s under the surface.

Also, I’m here to let you know that it can get better. Stay focused on connecting with your child regardless of how tired he or she makes you feel and the rewards will be more than you could ever imagine.

What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Here is the condensed version of what I could have done differently and what I ended up changing as my son got older. Knowledge is power!

1. Get on your child’s level (or below eye contact if they’re not too low to the ground!), connect with him or her, and name it to tame it.
2. Provide outlets for your active child to get all the wiggles out! Don’t repress the movement! Use sensory toys, encourage playing outside, running, jumping, use a weighted blanket or do joint compressions at night.
3. Reframe your thinking about how your child should be acting. Look at his or her brain wiring, interests and developmental milestones compared only to your child, not other kids the same age.
4. Connect before you correct. Every time!

PS: If you don’t know what “bonker balls” is referencing to, then you are missing out and must check out the best podcast ever for kids. Shhhh, I even listen when I’m without my kids!!

Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

Are you currently in the toddler stage and don’t know what to do with all of your toddler’s energy? Or are you past that phase, but your child is still bouncing off the walls? I hope these tips help! If you know other moms who this information will benefit, please feel free to share!!! Click on the share buttons below.