I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged and helpless. Since then, we let our son switch to a whole different kind of school that is made for kids who need to move, explore, and create! This is for the momma out there who sees the heart behind the behavior and a few things I’ve learned!!
It started when my son was two. Many times I would arrive at daycare at the end of a long day of work to see the teacherās concerned face.
I knew what was coming.
She would tell me all about the behaviors he displayed. That he didnāt follow directions. He moved too much. He couldnāt focus. The best was when a teacher said, āI donāt know what to do with your son. Time-outs work for all the other kids, but not for him.ā
The sweet teacher would explain that he sits in the corner of the room laughing instead of feeling bad about his actions. As soon as he came out of time-out, he would be worse than before. āWe talk to him sternly, we clearly tell him what the consequence will be, but nothing works.ā
Her words were very hard to swallow for the perfectionistic, rule-following mom that I am.
Therefore, this was my interpretation: āHey lady, you have the bad kid.ā
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Then in PreK, the teacher would ādisciplineā AKA, punish him, by making him clean up after the whole class for knocking blocks down or not staying on the big round carpet. Or he would be scolded for folding paper and creating crazy creations instead of coloring inside the lines.
I know now that heās not an inside-the-lines kind of human. But yet, thatās what heās been forced to do his whole school life.
In Kindergarten, I often heard about his behavior and inability to follow instructions. Then that continued on through First Grade causing him to lose recess often. His teachers were always very nice when speaking to me, but the words would go straight to this mommaās heart.
The defensive thoughts would circle around inside my head like a violent tornado…
I donāt know how I can help from home when Iām not there. We work hard to model good behavior at home. Heās not exposed to bad language, images, or anything of that nature. We talk to him. We pray with him. We go to church and love God. He knows how to make good choices. We eat family dinner together every single night. I canāt force him to sit still in school. I canāt shield him from every negative influence from outside of our home. He plays like one hour of video games A WEEK, never watches YouTube and we donāt even turn the TV on Monday through Friday. What else do they want me to do?
Thankfully, he had teachers in both Second and Third who started to peel back the layers and saw our son for his strengths first. But still, the school environment was challenging for him.
I felt like my husband and I were doing everything we could to help our child, but yet, the emails, calls, and principal visits continued to happen.
What else was there to do?
(In retrospect, it really wasnāt that often nor were the āoffensesā ever that bad. It just felt bad.)
Table of Contents
Then Something Happened…
Before I knew anything about the developing brain and only went by how society, in general, viewed behavior, I wasted a ton of air correcting and telling my child how he āshouldā act. I also wasted a ton of stickers, gummy bears and reward charts.
I never once asked, “Why is he acting this way?ā
Or…
āHow Can I Help?ā
Then I came across a podcast, Tilt Parenting, hosted by who has become one of my favorite humans on this planet (although I’ve never met her)! Every episode had a psychologist, teacher, advocate, doctor or mental health professional explaining concepts in ways that completely shifted or what the host calls tilted the way I thought.
Most of the time, I would listen to or read the books mentioned. With every bite of research and information I chewed off, a reframe began.
This, in turn, changed the way I viewed my child.
More importantly, it changed the way I treated my son.
During the same timeframe, while scrolling through Instagram, a photographer I followed suggested reading āThe Whole-Brain Childā.
I couldnāt get through it fast enough before moving on to āNo-Drama Disciplineā, both by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. And I’m currently reading their new book, “The Power of Showing Up.“
It was the first time I removed all of my preconceptions of how a child should behave and all the other āshouldsā I was exposed to by society growing up. Instead, I realized what was actually going on underneath the surface and in my sonās brain, mind and body. Also, I gained awareness of my own brain, mind and body.
Thatās when a paradigm shift happened.
My son began to change as well. Not necessarily the surface behaviors in school, but in how he trusted us, how safe he felt, how he treated others and how he viewed the world.
We saw his strengths first instead of his weaknesses.
It felt like when Mary pulled back all the vines to discover the door to the Secret Garden. We spent years pulling those vines down and what was behind the wooden gate was beautiful. A precious little boy with a kind and compassionate heart.
Here is a quick rundown of what caused this change in thinking:
- Learning phrases and concepts such as ābehavior is communicationā, and ākids do well if they can”, in addition to implementing Plan B.
- There is a difference between ācanātā and ādoesnāt want to.ā
- How to āconnect and redirect.ā
- What executive functioning and self-regulation are.
- How to support a child through scaffolding.
- That praising my son by telling him “good job” can demotivate instead of encourage and motivate him.
- A “disorder” diagnosis does not mean there is a deficiency or inadequacy.
- That behavior is ātop downā (driven by thought, logic and reasoning) or ābottom upā (driven by instinct).
- There can be developmental advancements and developmental delays all in one brain.
- The environment is the thing that needs to change, not the child. Also, I learned to communicate to my child that he is “not the problem.”
- How to be my child’s emotion coach so he can develop Emotional Intelligence.
- Lastly, that my son, who learned his alphabet, colors, and songs much later than his peers, but at an early age, was very empathic and could take anything apart and build very complicated structures out of paper was Twice Exceptional.
Related: Why Praise Doesn’t Work To Motivate Kids And What We Can Do Instead
Any time I would slip up and divert to my stern voice, I would be reciprocated with what I used to think was attitude and disrespect. Now I know, it’s the way he handles stress.
Instead of focusing on correction and correction and correcting more with little results, we became more intentional in connecting first which has built a very strong relationship. Having a strong relationship with my child matters for his psychological, emotional, and physical well-being. And for mine too.
I know weāre only hitting the very beginning stages of the adolescent years and his brain is getting ready to go through some serious changes, but Iām armed and ready with the knowledge that will hopefully continue to shape the way we parent.
To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her ābehaviorā, I want to let you know a few things:
I see you. I understand. I feel you.
I know how your chest and hands feel when you see the schoolās number pop up on your phone during school hours, even if it’s because a teacher wants to tell you something positive.
I know what itās like to see your childās heart and know she wants to do well, but yet, it not feel like that when she is in someone else’s care.
I know what itās like to feel like youāre the one misbehaving and that sinking emotion of feeling like you are the one being sent to the principalās office.
I know what itās like when people think youāre āthat crazy mom who thinks her child could do no wrong”. (Which by the way, I do NOT because believe me, I get frustrated and experience the behaviors, too, I just see the behaviors in a different light. One that is more helpful).
I know what it feels like to worry that if your child is treated (intentionally or unintentionally) like a bad kid he or she will become a bad kid.
I know what itās like to feel sad when your child keeps getting in trouble.
I know what itās like to want the best for your child.
I know what itās like to think the teachers think youāre making excuses for your child because “heās smart” and is “perfectly capable” of behaving better if he wanted to. (I have no idea if this is the truth, but this is the narrative I tell myself. And if they do think those thoughts, that’s great, but not the truth).
I know that in order for your child to learn, he needs to fail and make mistakes. And I know it can make you feel like a crappy parent.
I know what it feels like to allow mom guilt to eat away at you.
I know what it feels like to be verbally attacked because your child is misunderstood.
I know what itās like to sit in the car and ugly cry while feeling hopeless.
But I also know what itās like to champion your kid despite what others feel and see. I know that in order to advocate you need to walk the fine line of empowering and enabling. I know what itās like to see the incredible compassionate kind heart underneath the surface and to see the resiliency forming and the grit emerging.
And that one day, your child will change the world if he or she sees himself through the same lens you and your husband do.
The Truth
My son will probably never color inside the lines and that is more than okay.
He has been fearfully, wonderfully, uniquely… and exceptionally made. Through his spirit, he has taught many people, I included, more than I could ever imagine about creativity, innovation, curiosity, humor, perspective and what itās like to take risks.
He is more than his behavior.
Parenting isn’t easy, but with the right mindset and knowledge, we can push through what looks like a pile of weeds, vines and bushes and find the beauty within.
Hello!!! I’m Adriane. I’m a mom to three loud boys, am a research-a-holic and very passionate person who writes at Raising Kids With Purpose. Parenting can feel so hard sometimes but with mindset shifts and understanding, it can be very enjoyable. My hope is to inspire parents like you to create lifelong connections with your children and enjoy the journey along the way!Ā
Viola says
Hi Mommy,
I truly understand how you feel. Thank you for sharing such authentic thoughts. I really loved what you wrote and would definitely read back whenever I am feeling helpless with my child.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you! I do hope it helps!!!
Megan says
I think we all feel like crappy moms at some point and have mom guilt over something. Kids are all so different. Great job dealing with it and talking about it!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you!
FOODHEAL says
Wow, what an experience! It’s hard for our society to understand each kid individually, easy to throw everyone in the same basket. I am glad that you found solutions to help your boy… thank you for all those resources
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you!!
Jessica Collazo says
I think that every teacher should be trained to deal with different characteristics in children. I think that it should be mandatory that the teachers can know the signs and stop being so judgy
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Agreed. There needs to be college classes for not just behavior management but temperament, personality and especially neurodiverse children. Oh, and a course in neurobiology would be super helpful too š I can’t tell you how many teachers we had that had no idea about what ADHD was other than the crazy kid.
Desiree says
This really spoke to me. My son often can’t sit still and has a harder time in school because of what teachers call “focus issues”. He is VERY smart but having a teacher that doesn’t understand that is hard on him. His kindergarten and 2nd-grade teachers were absolutely wonderful. I can’t say the same for the 1st and 3rd-grade ones. Thank you!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
It’s so hard especially if an adult isn’t willing or capable of having this reframe. Also, I get it! Our class sizes were over 34! Even in Kinder with no aide. So they do what they were trained to do with stickers, rewards and punishment which for most kids it doesn’t work but especially kids like mine. It’s crazy how he is really able to be his true character now that he’s in a small home environment where he can move and create! It makes me have a little bit of mom guilt for not doing it sooner.
Brandi says
Aw, mama. This can be so hard! Youāre doing such an amazing job, though. Your kids will remember your dedication and heart when theyāre grown themselves!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you!!!
Jen says
Thank you for this! My 3 year old has been difficult lately. It can be hard to see past their behavior sometimes!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
It really is but focus on his strengths then work from there!
Jody says
It always amazes me how we try to fit in this little box and we think that everyone should also fit inside. When we think outside of the box and actually look and listen we can adapt to make things right. Sounds like you found some true inspiration!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Absolutely! And to think I thought I was an inside the box kind of thinker all of my childhood!
Candle says
This was an awesome story. I am glad you continued to keep the light shining in your son instead of giving up hope when others did. Whole brain teaching is very powerful. It great that it is working for you son. Keep inspiring others!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you so much! It really is powerful!
Raksha says
Lovely expressive thoughts. Even though I do not have kids myself, I have seen my friends dealing with these. I can completely understand and itās awesome that you have penned it down.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thanks!
Joanna says
I can imagine how difficult it must have been to get called at the school over and over and be told that your child is not behaving. I’m glad you found a solution in the end and that it works.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Yes, understanding that what others consider as bad behavior is so much more than that!
Luna S says
What a fantastic article, and it is nice that he found a few teachers who were actual able to help. I know teachers have a lot on their shoulders as well, but not all methods of learning work with every child because like adults everyone is different!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you! Yes, it’s hard to help people have this same paradigm shift!
siennylovesdrawing says
thanks for your personal story sharing here, so true & willingness to share
I have learnt some tips & gonna get better dealing with my little niece who stay with me š
cheers, siennylovesdrawing
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you!
Quirky Writes says
This is such a beautiful post! Sometimes kids need just a little bit of time, and support. Everyone should understand that each kid is different and will go through a different process of learning and growth. We should never compare two children. I don’t have kids of my own, but I have seen many of my “misbehaved” classmates to turn into amazing people. Heck, I was considered a weirdo too (and that hasn’t changed much even now lol), but I think I turned out okay too. Childhood is the period of growth and that is how it should be treated as. I’m glad he found help.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
This made me smile! Thank you for your kind words!
aisasami says
I am actually a preschool and can understand how moms feel. It is hard to tell them about their kids’ bad behavior or unwillingness to learn sometimes. There is a 2-year-old who couldn’t follow directions whatsoever. But, instead of discipline, we try to focus on her strengths too. She is much better now and so helpful.
There are no “bad” kids. Just each kid reacts to rules (and spaces) differently. They are different. There is no one-way approach to teaching kids about everything. And it takes time.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
I love that so much! I whole-heartedly agree that there are no bad kids that it’s a bad response. And you got it! There is no one approach and yet that’s what a lot of schools do. I understand that’s how it’s always been done but a paradigm shift NEEDS to happen. I think every education major should include classes in Positive Psychology. What a difference that would make especially for our neurodiverse kiddos!
Vasundhra says
It can be so overwhelming for parents, not knowing what more to do, when they’re already doing so much! I’m really glad you found a perspective shift and that’s the beauty of technology, we get access to such brilliant advice around the globe, at the click of a few buttons! I would definitely want to hear that podcast once I’m a parent š
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Yes! That is one positive to technology amongst all the negative we experience from it. Thank you for that perspective!
Liz says
I loved this. I can relate to all of this and all of the worry and concern. My son is 14 and sometimes I feel like it’s too late to fix things.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
It’s never too late! May take more work and effort but the brain can always change. Let me know if you have any questions or anything I can help you with ā„ā„
Britnee says
I went through this with one of my children till I got fed up and decided that public school is not for children. Iām sorry you and your son had to go through that but Iām glad you found something that worked for you guys.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Public schools weren’t even an option for us because they’re not the greatest in our area so we were at a charter and I think it was probably even worse. I’m super thankful for finding Prenda!
Dom says
Great read! I feel like that was totally me as a kid and my mom had to deal with it! Sounds like your son has an amazing upbringing and it’ll definitely play a huge part into the man he’ll become!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
And look at you now! I can see him following a path like you and becoming an adventurer. Thank you!
Angel|Mommy-ing Differently says
I felt this! I am also a quiet, prefer you follow rules, and not draw attention to myself type of mom….not my kids! Iāve read all those books and loved them so much. Still on the journey of course. I think itās time I had a tune up though!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Yes, it’s so hard when your kids are so different from you. Thank you for sharing!
Jamie says
This is so well written. Seriously. I think we’ve all been in this position a time or two. As moms we have to stop judging one another and just be a helping hand or listening ear. We are all just doing the best we can.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thank you! It’s not even the judgement but the misunderstanding! Helping people with an “old school” mentality about kids to be changed for good š
Neil Alvin Nicerio says
Amazing. Well written article. I learned something from reading it. Thank you for sharing.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thanks!
Jackline A says
Such a well-written article. People need to be less judgemental to parents.
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Awe, thank you!
Andrew Howard says
Wonderful piece. I’m in the same boat and trying to adjust my own perspective to rise to the occasion of effectively parenting a wonderful boy with attention, sensory, and other challenges. (Too bad this piece, like almost all of them, is written as though only moms deal with or care about this.)
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Thanks Andrew! I was just sharing my side of the story but you are completely correct! For our family, it is mostly me. My husband is affected but gives me the lead and then gets involved when needed. He didn’t attend any 504 meetings or actually even meet any of their teachers although he’s a very involved dad. I guess just not when it comes to education. Thanks for pointing that out because there are all types of parents, grandparents included that are raising differently wired kiddos. I would love to do a post from a dad’s perspective. If you want to collaborate on one, please let me know!
Holly says
Just found this through pinterest while trying to find resources to share with my son’s teacher. Thank you for a few more to add to my own list as well.
My son is (unofficially) diagnosed with aspergers and is having a difficult year with his 4th grade teacher.
Do you have any tips on how to help them advocate for themselves? She keeps asking me to help her “deal” with the issues he has in school. (which obviously I’m not thrilled that she thinks she just has to deal with him and not actually better understand him *eye roll*) I’m also a teacher so I 100% get the struggles. But I want him to eventually be able to let people/teachers know what he needs. He is currently 9 yo. Any help or a point in the right direction would be amazing!
Thank you for sharing your story!!
Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says
Hi Holly! I will email. I’m so sorry your child is treated like something to be dealt with. I have totally been there! Thank you for sharing!