Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Misbehavior & Sibling Fighting

Do you experience this in your home?

One kiddo is gone, and there are butterflies fluttering around, birds chirping and sounds of peace.

Okay, maybe not the butterflies and birds, but there seems to be a sense of calm in the home and no unwanted behavior or sibling fighting.

For us, it’s when one of our older boys is missing. As soon as everyone is back together, chaos ensues.

Or what about this? 

You are on the phone and as soon as you start talking or texting, your child starts yelling for your attention or making poor choices so you are forced to put the phone down. 

The tension rises.

Patience starts to run thin.

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Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Experiences shape brain structures and make connections as the child learns and grows. 

Every time I’m having a positive interaction with my kids, I envision the neural pathways firing and connecting. This is why the way we interact and care for our child, especially in those first six years, is utterly important.

Humans are born with a primary emotional need for significance and belonging.

Attachment theory explains that there’s an emotional connection between a parent and child that aids in that child’s development into adulthood.

Psychologist World states, “Specifically, it [attachment theory] makes the claim that the ability for an individual to form an emotional and physical “attachment” to another person gives a sense of stability and security necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a personality.”

Simply put, our children desire connection and are wired to want to be connected to you, their parents. When they have to share the attention with another sibling, rivalry or resentment can usually form. Or if you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it. 

Spending uninterrupted one-on-one quality time reduces tension and unwanted behaviors. 

“If you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it.” ~Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose 

The Benefits of Spending One-On-One Time With Kids

With the busyness of life, although you see your kids often (some more than others), you may not spend the time that fosters deep connection.

It is proven that spending quality time with each of your children has many benefits. Your kids:

• Gain confidence.
• Feel secure.
• Gain a strong sense of belonging and significance.
• Become calmer and not feel the need to misbehave to get negative attention. WIN!!!!
• Change their negative behaviors and make better choices.
• Fight less with siblings. Sign me up for this one!
• Become more cooperative.
• Openly communicate with you.
• Build a strong bond and really connect with you. This time also helps you see your kids in a different light, have more empathy and enjoy who they are.

When you spend uninterrupted time with your child, he or she feels special and gets his or her attachment and attention bucket filled. When this happens, misbehavior, poor choices and sibling fighting reduce tremendously. There is no need to act out to get your negative attention because they are getting an excessive amount of the good stuff.

Read Next: 30 Fun Strategy and Board Games for Families

How to Incorporate More Quality Time With Your Kids

Quality time is very important and can make parents’ lives easier because of all the reasons listed above.

You may be thinking, “How in the world can I squeeze in even more time when I don’t have enough time as it is?” In reality, by spending quality time with each of your children, it SAVES you time because you will spend less time on annoying power-seeking behaviors. Also, your kids will become more cooperative the FIRST time you ask.

Sounds too good to be true, right? 

The key is consistency.

Name Your Special Time

Before coming up with a schedule or time to squeeze in quality time, name it. This would make for a great Family Meeting Agenda topic so your kids can be involved.

Here are name ideas:

• FOCUS Time – This is what my kids came up with. Because I love acronyms, it stands for: Focus On Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together.
• Special Time – This seems to be the most common name as it appears on many parenting websites.
• Mind Body Soul Time – This comes from Positive Parenting Solutions.
• Hang Out
• Together Time
• One-on-One Time
• {The child’s name} Time This comes from Aha Parenting.
• QT – Because this is what it is right?!
• Oodly Noodly Silly Time, Ninja Alliance, Prickly Pear Pow Wow – These came from my brain. Ha! I don’t know! Come up with something fun that makes you or your child giggle. Let your kids come up with something off the wall to make it even more special.

Read Next: 8 Tips For Having a Family Meeting

Carve Out the Time

Dr. Jane Nelson of Positive Discipline breaks down how much time kids need at each stage.

Toddlers under the age of two or three already require a lot of your time and won’t comprehend or benefit from this dedicated time with you or your spouse. 

As they get older between the ages of two and six, about ten minutes every day is needed to build a deep connection. And kids, ages six to twelve, may not need this special quality time every day, but at least thirty minutes a week. Lastly, teenagers may not seem interested in spending one-on-one time with you, but trying to do something once a week or even once a month can help keep communication open and your relationship strong.

Once you know roughly how much time your kids need, try to schedule it either daily or weekly.

This is where we struggle especially during times where our daily schedule is inconsistent. By having time on a calendar, it’s easier to stay committed. Oh, and you know your kids will not forget.

Establish Rules and Guidelines

It is very important that you establish what this time is and isn’t with your child. Expectations prevent disappointments.

Discuss rules and guidelines with your child to get his or her input on what this time will look like. In “Me, Me, Me Epidemic” by Amy McCready, she lists the following basic guidelines after teaching parents all over the globe this concept of quality one-on-one time which she calls, Mind-Body-Soul Time or MBST.

• Have a no-screen rule. Screens include TV shows, YouTube videos, phones, computers, tablets, etc.
• Be Creative. This time can be when you’re in the car, on a walk or run, or when your kids first wake up.
• Make sure the activity can be completed or reach a good stopping point within the time frame you set. When the time is up, it’s up. If you extend it, a feeling of entitlement can start setting in.
• Don’t spend too much time coming up with an activity to do. If your child has a hard time deciding what to do then create or use the list I provide for you at the end of this post to pick an activity quickly.
• Label the time together so they realize the time is special. McCready mentions reminding your child his or her attention and power bucket is full. You can say something like, “I enjoyed our FOCUS time together. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.”
• Set a timer. If your child has a tough time with the transition, have something already planned for him or her afterward like go outside or eat a snack. Food is always a good idea, right?!

Ways to Make Quality Time More Special

Your child will already feel special by getting your sole attention, but there are ways to make a lifelong impact.

Below are tips to take this time you spend with your child more memorable. They are adapted from the “Joy Fixes for Weary Parents” by Erin Leyba.

Have Your Child Do Something

When you are spending quality time together, give your child responsibility. You can also turn normal daily routines and errands into a special time by making your child feel useful. Kids will also want to be more cooperative and feel important when you put them in charge of a task. 

For example, let your child use one of the huge vacuums at the car wash to help clean the car. My kids love cleaning the car then ending the time with a little sword fight. Shhhh, don’t tell the car wash owners. 

Another example is to let your child pick out all the fruits and veggies and let them weight it at the grocery store.

Let Your Child To Pick The Activity

This is part of our guidelines. As I mentioned above, they may not know what they want to do. Giving options works well as long as your child has the final say. Have your child use the free printable I created for you:

When kids pick the activity, they become more invested. And ever since reading, “Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, I realized that our kids need to have a sense of control (with direction from us, of course). When we hand over the control by giving our kids choices, they slowly build up a stress tolerance that will affect their lives forever. 

Make Sure You Enjoy Each Other and Have Fun!

Let loose during this time. In our family, that usually involves dancing or singing terribly. The more terrible with made-up words, the better.

Find special ways that sprinkle a little extra fun. Connect by locking eyes making sure your child knows you really enjoy him or her. 

Preview The Activity

If you are heading out of the house, talk about what you are going to see. Then, when you are at the location, seeing those will be more meaningful. It may also bring out the inquisitive side of your child. Since they know it’s coming, they will be more apt to ask questions. 

Take Pictures or Video

Pull out your phone, camera or video camera to capture the time together. Limit how many photos you take, though. Possibly only pull out the phone once. I’m guilty of being more concerned about taking the pictures than enjoying my kids. Because of this, they started hating pictures.

Now that they are getting older, they do appreciate seeing memories from when they were little so as long as I can keep myself in check, they will let me snap a picture or two. 

Also, hand the camera over to your child so the moment is captured through his or her eyes!

Finally, once you have a bunch of photos, make a scrapbook, photobook or journal together. 

It’s important to have quality time WITHOUT capturing it. Just because you don’t have a photo of it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. 

Incorporate Play

Use pretend play to tap into your child’s imagination. Play is the foundation of creativity.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive and emotional strength. Play is important to healthy brain development.”

Play allows kids to experience a sense of belonging in this world. 

If you can’t stand making a horse go round and round and round a stable or pretend to be a little girl lost in the woods who is calling for her horse to come to save her, use play in a way that is more natural to you. If you go to a zoo, pretend to be the animal you see or if you’re staying home, play store or use a felt board to create a little scene. 

Incorporate your interests into play with your child.

Review The Quality Time 

Recall specific memories of one-on-one time you have spent together. Talking about these memories will allow your child to bring them up as well.

For example, we use this felt board a lot and one of my sons loves to reference the one story we made up. He mentions the characters we created and the funny things they did. 

Brains are shaped by experience. The more we remind ourselves of specific memories and experiences, it moves into long term memory. And the more positive experiences kids store in their long term memory, the more impact it will have on how they interact and react with their own families when they are older. 

When You Really Don’t Have Time

You may be in a season right now where it is impossible to be consistent with individual quality time with each of your kids. If you have more than one or two children, the time commitment to do this may not be in the cards.

I know a mama right now who has a full-time job and is in school full time and has three kids, under the age of six!

The thought of needing to spend daily uninterrupted time with each of her children would probably stress her out. If you are like my friend, throw the mom guilt away. You are the perfect parent for each of your children!

Here are a few things that can help:

• First, this may only be a season. Your kids will get older and it will become easier to squeeze in some one-on-one time. Also, there will come a time when it’s not as busy. In my friend’s case, she doesn’t have a lot of variables she can move around, but you might. See if there are things in your schedule that don’t need to take priority. Instead, put your kids into that 10-15 minute time slot.

• Secondly, find your tribe. This isn’t only for your business or friendship circles but also for your kids. Do they have someone special in their life that can take this time to focus solely on your child a few minutes a day? What about a caretaker, grandparent, family friend, aunt or uncle? If so, spending time with another adult who loves your child will still help keep his or her attention bucket filled.

• Another idea may be to come up with something super short that only that specific child does such as a special handshake. Every time you do have a second, lock eyes with him or her and do your special thing.

• Lastly, explain to your kids how important they are to you and that’s why you’re in this season of life – working hard, going to school, taking classes, or whatever else you are doing to improve your family life. Share the love and joy you have with your kids in any way you can. Being open and honest will help them understand a little more or at least be able to reflect back what you were sacrificing.

Quality Time Activities

Now, the question is, “What activities do we do for Quality Time?” I’m so happy you asked!

I’ve created a printable with over 60 activities you can do with your kids.

Fill out the form below to snag it.

The activities are sorted by things to do in the house and out of the house. Some may require more than 10-20 minutes but can be incorporated into your daily tasks and routines. 

How Do You Spend One-On-One With Your Kids? 

How do you spend quality time with your kids? I would love to know so I can add it to the list!

Can you tell when their attention buckets are empty?

Please let me know if any of these strategies or tips help you build a stronger connection with each of your children by commenting below. 

Haaaaave fun!