A Parent’s Guide To Help Kids Accept Change and Tolerate Uncertainty

 Inside: The world can feel like a scary place especially right now. This is a guide for parents to help kids accept change and tolerate uncertainty while focusing on positive mental health. 

Mental health is about having emotions that are appropriate to experience during certain situations.

Being sad when something is sad. Being scared when the world feels scary.

Neither pretending like things are all rainbows and sunshine or spiraling into a pit of fear and anxiety is helpful for anyone. Instead, we need to pay attention to how we approach the ever-changing world so that our kids are able to develop resilience, positive mental health, and become good humans. 

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We Can’t Escape Change And Uncertainty

You can’t turn on a TV or open a computer without seeing all the crazy amounts of change going on right now.

As always, we, parents, MUST put on our oxygen mask first in order to help our kids. We’re not much help if we can’t breathe. Right?! 

What I have been noticing is that parents are having a hard time knowing what to do.

We know that change and adversity are good for kids as long as they can manage the stress and learn from their experiences (ahem, that goes for us, adults, too!). Also, kids may not even be worried about the same things that we are. Therefore, it’s important to start with attuning to our children’s individual needs.

It’s inevitable that our children will go through some huge changes during their lifetime. It may be a change in school, a loss of a loved one, a change in having to dress a certain way (like how people are being required to wear masks for the first time in US history), parents separating or divorcing, or any other big life change. 

When I told my husband what I was writing about he said, “Oooh and puberty! It’s a stinky and scary change!”

All kidding aside, all humans experience change and uncertainty throughout their lives. It’s important that we help our kids navigate these waters without drowning as evidence is showing us that our youth are becoming less resilient as they lack these very important skills. 

11 Ways To Help Kids Accept Change and Tolerate Uncertainty

For good mental health, it’s imperative that kids learn how to accept change.

Kids don’t have to like change, they just need to be able to get through it, adapt, and grow through it! 

Here are 11 ways parents can walk alongside kids to help them accept change and then tolerate uncertainty to the point where they can truly be better humans.

If you rather watch (or listen) than read, check out this video:

1. Unpack Your Own Feelings First

The first thing you need to do is make sense of how you feel as a parent.

Are you scared, anxious, annoyed, ready for change or indifferent?

Do a little self-reflection so you can overcome any scary feelings you may have about uncertain times.

I made an emergency emotions toolkit you can download to help you do just this!

Here are other simple ways to figure out how to address your own concerns: 

• Take walks around your neighborhood or through the woods. Nature is AMAZING for a worried brain.
• Focus on your breath with daily breathing exercises or during a daily mindfulness practice.
• Talk to an adult family member, close friend or listening partner.
• Journal and write down your feelings. Do a brain dump to get all the thoughts out on paper or on a computer.
• Listen to uplifting music such as worship music. I’m really digging this song right now. 
• Have a sit spot that you go to every day and take notice of slight changes. I do this every morning in my neighborhood park.
• Limit your social media and media exposure. Doing some research is okay in order to navigate all the changes happening, but too much is proven to help NO ONE! 
• Read the truth and take all your concerns to God through prayer.

It’s nearly impossible to be able to help our kids accept change and tolerate uncertainty if we haven’t done the work ourselves.

And sometimes, it’s really hard work. 

Remember, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m only an email away!   

Also, if you’re in a place where everything feels like it’s just too much, find a mental health professional you can seek therapy from. They are very accessible today with most offering teletherapy services. 

2. Have Essential Conversations

Dr. Abigail Gerwitz, the author of “When the World Feels Like a Scary Place: Essential Conversations for Anxious Parents and Worried Kids,” encourages parents to pick a specific time every day to talk to their kids.

Make sure this is a time when everyone is at their calmest or what I call, connected. This is when the prefrontal cortex is online and you and your kids are both able to think rationally and engage in conversation. 

Gerwitz suggests that you aim for 10 minutes a day. A great time to do this is during one-on-one quality time. In our family, we call it FOCUS time.

PSSST: If you need easy activities to do with your child so he or she will open up, here is a free download of Quiet Time Activities. 

You can have these essential conversations while in the car on the way to or from school (or if that isn’t happening…enter a huge sad face here…on the way to anywhere)! A car is a great place because the kids can’t just walk away from you!

Another great time to engage in conversation is while playing cards, playing a board game, sitting on the floor together, or even while doing a life skill together such as cooking or doing laundry. 

For these conversations to be beneficial in helping kids accept change, you want to be prepared with what to say. Have a basic idea of what you want to address and lead with questions. 

Remember to consider these factors when deciding what to share and how much to share: 

• Age of child
• Temperament of child
• Child’s individual needs – Is your child more or less anxious? Can he or she deal more or less with ambiguity? How engaged is the child? Do they care about the change or experience? 

Another great tip when having essential conversations about change and uncertainty is to become a good active listener. 

This means that you must put aside your own concerns and listen without judgement or without inserting your own emotions. This is why it’s so important that you unpack your feelings first. 

Listen to what your child’s specific concerns are. It may be completely opposite of your own worries or something that you never saw coming. 

Remember to not put a positive spin on situations especially if what your child is going through is really awful.

For example, there are protests occurring around the country right now. They’re scary and can trigger a lot of worry and anxiety. Instead of pretending like they’re not happening, allow your child to process their thoughts then meet them where they are in a developmentally appropriate way. 

Read Next: 10 Ways To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

In general, this is what kids at different developmental ages need:

• Younger children need concrete language and concepts.
• School-aged kids usually do well with being asked questions. This will help you gauge what their needs are. 
• Teens can be spoken to in a more complex way and talk about existential concepts.

I asked Dr. Mallory Yee, a licensed psychologist who is part of The Childhood Collective, questions regarding helping kids with change and uncertainty.

My first question was, “What is the best way to talk about the changes happening in the world and how school will be?” 

She said, “I think you’ve described it perfectly above! Let your kids know that our world is always changing. You can provide some examples of how things are different now than when you were their age, and their grandparents. Change can be good, but we have to work for that to be true. Help {your kids} think of a time when a change happened that they were unsure of, that ended up being positive.” 

Dr. Mallory (as she says patients refer to her as) also said to make sure your kids know that it’s not their responsibility for taking care of the big things, but rather, it’s the adult’s job.

In addition to keeping them safe, communicate to your kids that life may look different than it used to, but that you will work hard to allow them to explore their interests even if it’s in new and different ways. 

3. Have Empathy and Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

This is the number one tip I give to any parent raising children; not just while facing change and uncertainty. 

Attuning to your child’s individual needs will fulfill their innate desire to feel safe, seen and heard. And when this happens, they can truly grow, accept change, tolerate uncertainty, overcome adversity and become resilient, self-actualized, competent people. 

If you have more than one child, remember their experiences may be different so meet them where they are.

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Acknowledge the losses your kids are facing and express how uncertainty can be challenging.

Identify and validate your child’s feelings. Be careful not to follow empathetic statements with, “but”. Instead, change your “but’s” to “because”. I heard this on a podcast once (but I’m not sure who said it!), and it has made such a difference when I’m attuning to my kids’ needs and feelings. 

Here is an example. Instead of saying, “I know you feel disappointed and sad you can’t play your favorite sport, but everything is shut down. None of your friends can play either,” a better way to put it would be, “I know you are disappointed and sad that you can’t play your favorite sport because you really enjoy being on a team. You also love practicing. I really enjoyed watching you play, too. How about we practice in the backyard every day after school until the season starts again?” 

Wouldn’t that make YOU feel like your parents understood you and cared about your circumstances more than the former statement? I know it would for me. 

It can be helpful to acknowledge where you see their emotions. I often see my son’s anger in his face and eyes. I simply tell him my observation then I follow up by asking where he feels the anxiety or strong feeling.  

Lastly, realize that what your child may be feeling is real even if it seems trivial to you.

Do not ignore or punish emotions because emotions are important signals.

If kids are told not to feel, their nervous system will either get confused because it literally can’t do that or your child may start hiding his or her feelings from you. Stuffed feelings have to come out one way or another. It’s not typically pretty if they have been hiding for a while.  

4. Acknowledge That Some Days Will Be Harder Than Others

This piece of advice is also from Dr. Mallory of The Childhood Collective.

It’s important to realize that what your child is experiencing may be like a pendulum.

One day, it may swing to one side where they can manage more change then other days it swings to the opposite side which is much harder to accept the change or handle uncertainty. 

5. Help Kids Develop Practical Acceptance 

Dr. Christine Carter, author of “The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction,” says that kids really suffer when they resist what is actually happening. Oftentimes, it’s the adults in their lives that are trying to protect them so they ignore what is happening or pass it off as nothing. 

What we need to do instead is to help our kids accept the current situation whether that is a huge change or an uncomfortable experience.

As a parent, don’t be in denial about what is happening and don’t let your child be in denial either because that is extremely unhelpful when working towards accepting change and tolerating uncertainty. 

Also, make sure you accept your child’s (and your own personal) emotions of discomfort, sadness, frustration, etc. You don’t need to fix the emotion but rather, walk them through how to constructively deal with those feelings. Simply naming the feeling has a lot of power. It’s kind of crazy how the limbic system will literally calm down when a big feeling is named. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this, “name it to tame it.”

Carter also suggests to not let your child go down the “what might happen” rabbit trail. Instead, focus on the now. 

For You! To help you get out how you are feeling that can also lead to talking points with your kids, I created an Emergency Emotions Toolkit. Sign up for The Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter and get it for free!

6. Watch For Rumination

I have OCD so I will often ruminate about situations that I cannot control. In order to get off the rumination-train, I have to be self-aware, write it all down, and if needed, come up with a plan. 

Rumination is continuously thinking about the same thoughts, which tend to be sad or dark. 

When I asked Dr. Mallory if school-age kids ruminate, she replied, “Yes, school-age kids can get stuck in cycles of rumination and worrying. I love the book “What To Do When You Worry Too Much”… it helps kids “lock away” worry thoughts and save them for Worry Time each day. The more we attend to and talk about our worries, the more they grow. The idea behind Worry Time is saving those worries for a small, specific time of day so as to avoid them occupying all aspects of one’s day. The more and more we save them for Worry Time, the less they will start showing themselves throughout the day.” 

I absolutely love this idea and may need to grab a copy of the book for me, not my kids. Ha! 

Other ways to help kids who ruminate or get caught up in worries, anxious or dark thoughts is to teach them how to feel it in their bodies first. Bring them to the present as mentioned above, then ask how their emotions are connected to their thoughts. 

Here are easy questions to ask: 

• Where in your body is it?
• Does it have a color?
• Does it have a texture?
• Can you see it?

Then once your child is calm and connected, give him or her alternate ways to think. Ask questions like, “What is the best case scenario? “ Then let him or her know that his or her imaginations have the power to create thoughts that won’t trigger such negative emotions in the future.

7. Coach Your Kids Through Difficult Situations

The best way to coach your kids to accept change and tolerate uncertainty is to become their emotion coach. I have a whole post on how to do this including a free printable you can snag here. 

Dr. Mallory of The Childhood Collective says that oftentimes, your children will come to you with challenges more so they know you are on their side and not so much for the advice. Parents then should give kids a safe space to process their thoughts and feelings. 

She also suggests, “It can be helpful to ask your child, ‘Are you just looking to vent/for a listening ear, or do you want me to help you problem-solve?’ We can only be effective in helping our children problem-solve if we understand their view of the problem and they are open to our assistance. Also, I urge parents to provide at least 5-10 minutes per day of one-on-one “chat time” or “talk time” with their child. This time doesn’t have any agenda, but it is a saved, safe space for your child to bring to you any challenges.” 

8. Encourage Play

Kids make sense of their world through play. However, with all the access to technology (because it can sometimes be MUCH easier to entertain your kids with), kids are playing less and less. 

Give your kids the space to engage in free play.

This means the play is not organized or prompted by you or anyone else. As I have found the hard way, not everyone agrees that kids should be able to play freely, but research shows us that it isn’t just beneficial, it’s vital for healthy brain development. 

Also, during your one-on-one time, get down on the floor WITH your kids and take their lead while engaging in their play. 

Dr. Mallory suggests that instead of asking questions during this time, reflect back what you hear by simply narrating what you see them doing. This will help fill their attention bucket up which can also help them accept change. 

9. Have Consistent Routines

This is a big one!

Routines are important for both kids and parents because they create predictability which leads to security and can aid in developing self-discipline. 

When facing a huge change, having some kind of consistency in a child’s life can really help him or her feel less stressed and more importantly, safe. I unpack all the research behind routines in this post. 

Bonus! You can download your free morning and evening routines chart when you sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose newsletter.

10. Set A Goal Of What You Would Like To Happen

In general, we, parents, should have goals in mind of what we want to accomplish while raising kids. These can be written down or just thoughts that you don’t forget. 

My friend, Amy Carney, author of Parent On Purpose” “has this theme throughout her whole book. She suggests that you keep in mind what you want for your kids in the next five years. Then all of your decisions as a family are based on those goals. Parent for the end. 

So during big changes and uncertainty, figure out what goals you have to overcome this time. Examples include keeping your kids emotionally healthy, keeping your kids physically healthy, or teaching the gift of service or gratitude. 

Another thing to think about is, what kind of child do you want to raise? Aside from what is currently going on in the world, what values do you want to make sure you are instilling in your children. What do you find important that your kids grow up knowing or valuing?

Who do you envision your children becoming (not just “what” they’re going to become)?

Write these down and keep them in mind as you navigate these challenging and uncertain times. For example, if you want to raise compassionate, caring, kind, understanding, empathic people – be sure you are communicating these things instead of instilling fear or judgment.

Obviously, we are not solely in charge of who or what our kids are, but we can do our darndest to be a good influence, amiright?!

Our children are born wired to look for guidance from their parents or caretakers. With a clear vision of what you want for your children, you can help guide them to be good humans who love people (or maybe that’s my personal goal in raising kids)! 

11. Give Hope

Last but certainly, not least, we need to give our kids HOPE!

Don’t allow your kids to get sucked into a cycle of feeling powerless or feeling worse and helpless.

And if you feel this way, remember, there is always something we can do, even if it’s very small. I have a close friend who reminds me of this daily as she boldly stands up for her faith and beliefs.

Openly discuss what this change is allowing your kids and family to do that you couldn’t otherwise. 

Specifically, with the pandemic, I know many families who typically have to stay home in the summer due to crazy sports schedules and work. But because work is now remote and sports are canceled, they decided to go on on vacation for multiple weeks.

There is always light to be found in spite of the darkness. It’s important for our kids to see the light, too. 

And this would be the time when I would start belting out, “I See The Light” from Tangled. But since I’m writing this, you’ll just have to use your imagination! 

One last PSSST...if you are struggling working from home while your kids are in school also at home, check out this amazing course called Work From Home With Kids Who Thrive! Use the code THRIVE25 for 25% off!

How Do You Manage Sudden Changes and Uncertainty?

When I was younger, I really struggled with cognitive flexibility and really could have used some of these tips to overcome the feeling that the world was going to end. 

Now that I have more self-awareness, practice mindfulness, and have a better understanding of how we can overcome challenges, I am focusing on letting my kids truly grow through what they go through. 

Something I do still struggle with is tolerating uncertainty. I keep joking that the pandemic is forcing me to embrace uncertainty more than I ever have before. I have no other choice! 

How are you navigating these uncharted waters? I’d love to know as I’m sure it will be an encouragement to others as well. 

If you have found these tips helpful, please feel free to share or pin!