How To Define and Discover Your Family Values

In this post, you’ll discover why family values are so important and how to create a list of your own so you can be reminded of them daily.

Last night my boys decided they wanted to play a game. When they asked, “Do you want to play?” My first thought was, “Heck no! I have so much to do. With your new school schedule, I am having a tough time getting anything started or finished.”

But instead, I responded with, “Sure! Let’s go in the kitchen so my butt doesn’t hurt from sitting on the floor.”

We started to play a strategy game. Quickly after we started, emotions heightened so one of my sons decided to leave before it got ugly. He came back with a different game where we could work together instead of against each other.

As we were setting the second game up, my husband walked in. The boys asked if he wanted to play and he started with his usual answer of, “I need to get this, this and this done.” With a flash of some puppy dog eyes, he pulled up a seat next to me.

We played by supporting each other to use all of our pieces on each turn. There was no arguing, competitive remarks or upset kiddos. Instead, there was laughter and teamwork. It was really a beautiful moment that lasted maybe twenty minutes, but we’re still feeling the effects of it even today.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Defining Your Family Values

When I revisited this experience, I couldn’t help but see our family values sprinkled all through our time together. I then started to think about the impact of having strong values and began to research the benefits.

I discovered a quote about writing values down from Stanford Psychologist, Kelly McGonigal’s book, The Upside of Stress,

“It turns out that writing about your values is one of the most effective psychological interventions ever studied. In the short term, writing about personal values makes people feel more powerful, in control, proud, and strong. It also makes them feel more loving, connected, and empathetic toward others. It increases pain tolerance, enhances self-control, and reduces unhelpful rumination after a stressful experience.”

She was referring to personal core values, but I think this can be applied to family values as well. Our core values do are influenced by what our parents believe whether we adopt their values or go in the complete opposite direction.

Writing down what you believe in and value in life can help your kids be on the same page as you and give them a guide for the choices and decisions they make.

In a study that explored key questions around what role the family plays in children’s personal identity, they found that only 3/10 families actually wrote down their family values.

So let’s change that!

Check out the steps below that will guide you in this process of discovering and recording your family values.

Download You Free Family Values List and Worksheet here!

How To Discover Your Family Values

“Families are the compass that guides you. They are the inspiration to reach great heights. and our comfort when we occasionally falter.” ~Brad Henry

Why is this? It’s because of the strong values that are embedded within a family. Ultimately, values are the glue that holds families together and a guiding light that affects decisions, choices, and actions.

There are multiple steps you can do to discover your family values. Then once you identify what they are, you can write down the values and hang them in a common area in your house.

Kids fighting? Refer to your values. Kids want to go somewhere you don’t approve? Refer to your values. Are your kids saying mean words? Refer to your family values. You just said something out of line to your husband? Refer to your family values on how to make a correction.

Kids want to go serve at the homeless shelter? You keep having a desire to check social media? Kids want to have friends over? I think you know the answer by now!

The 4 Steps to Discovering Family Values:

Because there’s a lot to comb through, you may want to do each step below on separate days.

Remember, this whole identifying your family values process can be ongoing as your family dynamics change and everyone grows older.

Step 1: Discuss at Your Family Meeting

Add family values to your family meeting agenda (get one for free here!) or schedule a special family time where discussing values is the sole topic.

Make sure EVERYONE even brand new talkers has the chance to voice his or her opinion. Here are some bullet points to discuss under the topic of family values:

Ask yourselves these questions:

*These are adapted from Rachel at A Mother Far From Home:

• What qualities do you value in other families, celebrities or friends?

• How do you want everyone to feel when you all are at home?

• How do you spend your time together and apart?

• Are there character flaws in others that drive us bananas?

• What do we find ourselves repeating over and over again? (Besides, “Get your shoes on!”)

Reflect on the values you and your partner grew up with.

If your family never went through this practice of discovering your family values, write down ideas and words that you feel like emanated your childhood.

For example, when I reflect on my child and teenhood, my family ate dinner together around the table every night so family time was a strong value. I had to call my dad from a payphone every location I went to after a football game so safety was another value. My husband’s family went on some really cool trips around the country so exploration, adventure, and family togetherness were some of their core values.

Think about the things you did and the advice your parents gave to you while you lived with them.

How do you spend your time together and apart?

Have everyone yell out what you do together as a family such as play games, go to sporting events, camp, hike, etc. Then, focus on what the kids are allowed to do on their own. What do you and your partner do when the family isn’t around?

Discuss major life decisions everyone has made.

Think back to big decisions you have made individually or as a family.

Recently, we let our kids make their own decision to switch schools that would be a better fit for their personalities and the way they learn. From that decision alone, we could see that our values are self-sufficiency, creative education and spontaneity.

Step 2: Write Out a Mission Statement or Manifesto

This doesn’t have to be difficult. So you don’t have to reinvent the wheel, I created a Pinterest Board with many examples and ideas. Find one you like and tweak it to fit your values. *Don’t forget to click on “follow” when you’re there!

In this free printable where you can write down your family values, there’s a space in the middle to include your mission statement!

Step 3: Point out Strengths and Weaknesses

Figure out what you do well as a family and other areas where you could improve. Make sure you’re pointing out more strengths than weaknesses.

Also, acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses that everyone displays; try to avoid only pointing out your kids’ flaws.

Pssst: I have a printable that helps you figure out and record your kids’ strengths. You can download here when you sign up or my newsletter!

Step 4: Use a List of Values

The last step is to write down your values!

The easiest way to do this is to use a list as a reference. I created a free printable with lots and lots of values to choose from that you can download.

In the download, there is also a sheet where you can write down your values divided by categories. This helps you keep things a little balanced, if that is what floats your family’s boat, of course!

Family Values Categories

When looking at multiple lists of core and family values, I kept noticing that they fit into categories. This is probably a good place to start so this process of defining your family values isn’t so cumbersome.

Values can be broken down into these categories:

• Spiritual, Faith, Morals and Ethics
• Social – Friends and Family
• Work and Play
• Education
• Time
• Character
• Financial
• Health
• Entertainment and Technology

Display Your Values For All To See

Once you have nailed down what your family values are, either type them up or write them down on the printable I made for you. We hang a lot of these types of things on our command center in our kitchen to have easy access and visibility.

Besides writing them down and looking at them, make sure you are living your values out daily. Refer to them often and allow them to shape your kids.

What Are Your Family Values?

Thinking back to last night when we were playing our game, I’m thankful that we value kindness, collaboration, cooperation, and love. All these things just make life a little sweeter.

Comment below and let me know what your values are. And if you wouldn’t mind share with your friends and family. Let’s all grow together!