When I was a first-time mom with a 15-month-old, I decided to take him to Red Robin. Just the two of us. To be honest, it was kind of awkward. I mean I did all the talking and he just looked at me (and threw food).

He would make silly faces. I would return those same looks. The placemat had interesting things to look at so I probably pointed those things out to him. As I sat there essentially talking to myself, I remember wishing we could have a two-way conversation.

I could not wait for that day. 

Fast forward eight years later, I can say that is one of my favorite things about being a parent. I love being able to communicate with my kids. What was once gah’s, bah’s, whoa’s and grunts are now words with meaning. Ideas and thoughts that we can bounce back and forth. Intriguing discussions about what is going on in each of our worlds. We get to talk about memories together. And you know, the talking back, the high pitched whine talk thing that they do and all the other fun ways they express emotions {insert slight sarcasm here}. 

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Words that teach and grow who they are becoming.

With the ability to converse also comes responsibility. I never did believe that old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but word will never hurt me.”

Errrr FALSE!  Words do matter.

They REALLY matter. 

Today I wanted to share with you some phrases I have come across to use when communicating with our kids. These aid in connection and behavior management.

1. Asked and Answered

Do you have a child who you feel like should be a lawyer when he or she grows up? My hand is up! I MOST DEFINITELY have one of those! Every decision turns into a negotiation. His negotiating skills are really good too!  At the end of our conversation, I feel like I’ve talked in circles saying the same thing in a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he is so determined that I end up giving in which is probably where he attained these skills in the first place.

Insert Asked and Answered. 

This is a tool created by Lynn Lott, MA, MFT author of Chores Without Wars and coauthor of some of the Positive Discipline series of books. My husband and I both love using this tool to end a debate quickly.

With these three words, you are able to clearly communicate to your kids they been heard but also that the decision is final. It has helped shut down so many arguments that probably would have escalated into a complete meltdown. I love how concise it is and how it can be used time and time again.

Here’s an example of how we recently used it: After a football game, my oldest wanted ice cream. One, it was 8:00pm! Two, he can’t have a lot of sugar because it causes him to go in no self-control mode. And three, it was 8:00pm! He asked the question, we gave the answer. He wasn’t happy with that answer but our reply simply was “asked and answered.”

Now, this doesn’t always shut down the high emotions but it still communicates with what the final decision is. No negotiation. No giving in.

How to establish Asked and Answered

Take these steps once your child asks a question about something they want to do or have. Here is a script to use:

1. “Have you heard of “Asked and Answered?” They will probably reply with a, “No.” 
2. “Did you ask me a question about [insert whatever they are asking for or what to do here]?” They should answer this with a “Yes.” 
3. “What was my answer?” Guide them with the answer if needed. 
4. “You asked and I answered – asked and answered.” Then don’t engage in any further discussion about that topic! It’s done! 

That’s all there is to it. Hopefully, you’ll have to use this tool less and less as they understand that you are firm with your answer and not budging.

2. Show Me the Hard Part

I stumbled across this one from A Mother Far From Home and love it. If you are like me, when your child is struggling with something like tying his shoes, learning how to ride a bike or building a toy, you probably give motivational words.

“You can do it.” “I believe in you.” “You just need to do this then you have it!”

Instead of telling them something they have already decided they cannot do, say, “Show me the hard part.” This flips the power struggle mindset that is probably occurring in their minds by giving them ownership.

When I first heard of this phrase we had some kids over to my house for a birthday party. The theme was my son’s favorite thing in the world, paper! Not all of the kids were as familiar or interested in folding paper like him. One of the boys tried for a few minutes then gave up. At first, my intuition was to tell him he could do it. But then, I locked eyes with him and said, “Show me the hard part.” Without skipping a beat, he showed me so I could help him. Once he got over that “hard part”, he felt so proud he was able to complete the project.

3. Tell Me More

Asking your child to tell you or show you more opens up an environment of connection. This concept helps our kids know that we are invested in what they have to say. So often, our conversations end short. My son explains what he is building or doing at school and I used to always respond with my opinion. Instead, I now try to say, “Tell me more or show me more,” which opens up the dialog I’ve always dreamed of. When you do this…

Your child feels heard.

You get to work on your listening skills.

Win Win.

Asking your child to tell you more is a great habit to get into especially when they reach the teen years. In countless surveys I’ve come across, teens have astoundingly recorded that they don’t feel like they are heard. “Tell me more” communicates that they are.

This is also a great tool to help get your kids to finish up their screen time. Instead of telling them their time is up or that they need to stop, take a few minutes to ask them to tell you more about what they are doing. The look on my kids’ faces when I ask them to show me what they worked on in Minecraft is priceless. It gives them the time they need to transition off of the fictional world and back into the real world.

4. What Do You Need To Remember? 

This is another one of those, “Aha” phrases for me.

My boys are constantly doing things that could cause injury. Climbing on furniture, beating each other, running full speed (in flip flops), using their bodies to do things that bodies weren’t made for and probably a lot of other things I am unaware of. I’m constantly telling them to be careful. In their minds, what does that even mean?

Engage their critical thinking skills making them more aware of what they should do in order to be careful.

“What do you need to remember when you are in the living room jumping on the couch?”
“What do you need to remember when you are climbing a tree at the park?”
“What do you need to remember when you are running full speed in flip flops?”

If they don’t answer audibly, assist them with what they should be doing to ensure safety.

Read Next: Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What We Can Do Instead

5. How did that make you feel?

In trying to get off of the praise train, have your child look inward to decide what they feel about something. My kids are little makers. Once a project is even halfway complete, they are always looking to my husband and me for approval.

We show interest and excitement but also try to put the focus on how they feel. We ask a question like “How did that make YOU feel?” followed by exclaiming, “YOU must feel so good about that!” Another question we often ask is, “What did YOU like about that?”

We unknowingly tend to teach our kids to look to others for approval in everything that they do. This can cultivate a teen or adult who looks to others for validation and ultimately leads to doing something to gain the wrong kind of attention or approval. Allowing our kids to self-asses and make their own decisions (with positive guidance from you, of course) can be such an important life skill.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were all our own biggest fan instead of constantly worrying about what others think about us? Getting your child to connect with his or her internal compass can help create adults who do incredible things without letting others’ thoughts paralyze them.

A few weeks ago, I got a video from my sister in law of my five-year-old niece huffing and puffing.

With her jean jacket, glasses and cute little ringlets hanging in front of her face, she said, “Aunt Adriane, I runned all the way up the hill of the bus stop then I runned all the way back down too.” “…I was getting Ellie (a lovie that is very important to her sister) for Emily because she forgot it.”

My sister in law asked, “How did that make you feel?”

Her face was BEAMING with pride as she answered, “So good.”

Seeing how proud she was for making a good choice made my heart so full. She not only did a very kind thing but she was able to recognize how thoughtful that was simply because she was asked.

What Phrases Do You Use? 

Are there any key phrases you have come across that work wonders in parenting? I would love to hear so I can add to my mental parenting toolbox! Comment below.