Raising Kids With Purpose

Creating a Strong Family Culture

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7 Practical Tips for Homeschooling and Working Full Time

Inside: Schools may not reopen in the way parents are hoping this Fall so they are looking into homeschooling and working full time. Here are 7 tips that will help parents who work from home with kids. And for proven strategies, tools, practical tips, activities, and additional resources, check out the new course, Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.  Scroll down for the promo code!

Working from home has its own challenges as we have experienced with my husband’s job for the past 10 years. However, up until this year, our boys have not been home all day long nor have they had to be homeschooled.

Because of these changes, there have been challenges upon challenges. 

What I noticed the most is how everyone’s mental health suffered.

I can’t imagine we are the only ones as families from across the world were forced to homeschool while working. For some, remote working with remote learning was a brand new experience and for others, having the kids in the home was the only change. Regardless, it is an unprecedented time.

homeschooling and working full time

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Working At Home With Kids Is Hard

Common statements I keep hearing from my working parent friends are, 

“It’s just not possible.” 

“It’s so hard. Either I can’t get everything done at the level I’m used to performing or I don’t help my kids with their school work. Something has to give.”

“Homeschooling and working full time are unattainable and unrealistic. Although we don’t want our kids on the tablet all day, that’s the only way we can get work done.” 

With my own experience, I’m finding I can get some work done but productivity goes out the window. I find it impossible to work consistently when I’m interrupted with a new need every ten to thirty minutes. Or who am I kidding, there are times when I’m interrupted every 30 seconds! 

We quickly found that without a plan, life is extra messy. 

Subsequently, how do we gain more control and stay productive with everyone having to work, play, and learn all in the same environment?! How do we make homeschooling and working full time a pleasant experience for all? 

Work From Home With Kids and Thrive

Before I get into some basic tips of working from home with kids that can help kickstart productivity and positive mental health, I want to share an incredible course with you! 

I recently connected with Kathryn Haydon of Sparkitivy and the author of The Non-Obvious Guide to Being More Creative No Matter Where You Work. She has been nothing but kind in all of our correspondence.

I’m so excited to partner up with her to share her brand new course for parents that helps with productivity while working from home and supporting children’s learning. 

The course title encompasses exactly what is needed for working parents right now. It’s called,

“Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.” 

The course helps lessen the stress by using creative strategies that take time and dedication to implement that is well worth it! She is offering YOU, my readers, 25% off from the total price when you use the coupon code: THRIVE25. 

To sign up, simply click here, and don’t forget to enter THRIVE25 at checkout. 

What is Homeschooling? The 4 Different Types

I’ve seen quite a few discrepancies around the word and concept, homeschooling. Here are all the different ways kids can “go to school” at home. If I’m missing any, please comment below!

1. Traditional Homeschooling

Essentially homeschooling is when parents choose to educate their children instead of having someone else do it. Kids do not attend a traditional public, charter, or private school.

Instead, the parents sign an affidavit saying that they are responsible for educating their children. Homeschooling programs or curriculum are not associated with any school system.

2. Unschooling

Unschooling is a form of homeschooling where the learning is student-directed and led. The children get to choose what they learn and the parent forms an education around those specific interests. For more information, check out Why Are You Still Sending Your Child To School? by Blake Boles.

homeschooling and working full time

3. Emergency Remote Learning/Crisis Schooling

What most families did when schools were shut down is transition to emergency remote learning, or I’ve seen it called crisis schooling.

This kind of schooling is when kids abruptly go from learning in a school environment to learning virtually or through packets that teachers send home. 

According to this article on Educause Review, the authors caution, “These hurried moves online by so many institutions at once could seal the perception of online learning as a weak option, when in truth nobody making the transition to online teaching under these circumstances will truly be designing to take full advantage of the affordances and possibilities of the online format.”

While we were in crisis schooling, I created an Ultimate Home Education Resources Guide that I update often. It has helped us so much as we continue to find activities and projects for my kids to fully engage in learning all subjects.

free education resources download
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4. Distance & Online Schooling

Lastly, there is distance learning and online schooling. They are similar in the sense that students engage in schoolwork using a computer.

The difference is that distance learning is when students are given online assignments, lessons, and assessments to do at home whereas online schooling (also known as eLearning) is when students are taught live by a teacher using platforms such as Zoom.

There are also full-time online schools where they do a little of both, live instruction with online assignments. 

For the sake of this post, I will be referring to any schooling done at home while parents are working full time or part-time as “homeschooling.” If you’re a homeschool momma, please note I’m not taking away from all the hard work you put into educating your kids. It would just be confusing if I listed all the different types throughout the post. Thank you for understanding! 

7 Practical Tips for Homeschooling and Working Full Time

Whether you work from home full time, are remote working from home for the time being, or are a stay-at-home parent with a side hustle, you have probably quickly found that it’s hard to get a whole lot done with kids.

Unless they are taught otherwise, kids can be incredibly needy or desiring your attention all day long. 

It can be enticing to let them sit in front of a TV or tablet all day but the research is clear that this is incredibly unhealthy for your child’s brain and autonomic nervous system and it’s hard for your child to thrive in these conditions. *I’m not saying all screen time is awful, it’s just not optimal for growing brains. 

Read Next: Why You Should Stop Buying Tech Toys For Your Kids According to Experts

I also want to add that if this way of life is brand new to you and your kids, it can feel extra challenging. Kids who are typically in school are used to having every second of their day scheduled. Sudden ambiguity can cause some unwanted behaviors or resistance.

Kids need routines so life is predictable. Otherwise, they can inadvertently experience increased amounts of stress because the brain perceives the environment as being unsafe. 

1. Reframe Your Thinking

The first step to reducing stress while homeschooling while working full time is to reframe your thinking. 

Life may have always been a certain way but now it’s different. We can’t continue to think things should happen a certain way just because that’s always how it has always been. Embrace the change and the mess that comes along with change.

As parents, we often unintentionally feel like it’s our responsibility to drop everything to appease or fill our kids’ every request and (what they may think, but it actually isn’t) need.  

In our current culture, there’s this underlying message that kids need to be watched at all times, must never get hurt, and never experience any emotion besides happiness. I get it, but not only is it unrealistic, it’s also holding our kids back from growing in so many ways!

Because when we look at developmental research, this is all wrong!

Kids need to explore, make mistakes, fail, and learn how to experience and manage ALL feelings. Also, if you have children who are fighting all the time, instead of solving the problem for them, give them the skills they need. I walk you through how to do teach sibling conflict management skills in this post on sibling conflict. 

Bottom Line: Start with a reframe and throw away unrealistic expectations. 

Read Next: Five Steps to Raise a Child With Emotional Intelligence

2. Take Care of Yourself First!

I talk about this a lot. If we don’t take care of ourselves and engage in some basic self-care or soul-care, it’s really hard for anyone to thrive.

It doesn’t have to be a long-drawn-out process. I get a lot of my self-care during my morning routine that can either last five minutes or two hours depending on how early my kids wake up.

In the “Taking Care of MYSELF” eBook (which you can grab for free when you sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter), I go through six areas of your life to focus on to avoid running on empty. An absolute must for me is prayer and exercise!

Bottom Line: Parents need self-care.

working out in the mountains

3. Teach Self-Sufficiency Skills

The science of motivation teaches us that all humans (so kids included!) are born with a need to be autonomous, have a sense of relatedness to others, and want to have a feeling of competency. 

This tells us that kids already have the ability to be self-sufficient, some just need more nudging than others. Or they need to experience some freedom in order to prove to themselves they are capable of doing tasks on their own. 

This mantra runs through my mind often, “Don’t do for a child what he can do for himself.” 

When my three-year-old hands me a tissue to throw away, I stop and think, “Can he do that himself?” If the answer is, yes, then guess who is throwing that tissue away? It’s not me! Because if I do it, how is that useful or helpful to his development?

Now, I’m not a drill sergeant nor am I super crazy about this as I will do things for my children that they can do for themselves. I just try to make sure it’s only when they need some extra love or if I want to model kindness.

It’s hard to know where to start when teaching your child a new skill. In this post, you’ll find four easy steps. I learned this process from Julie Lythcott-Haims’ book, How To Raise An Adult.

Depending on the skill, it can go through all four steps in a few minutes or each step can take a few days or even weeks. Regardless, the goal is to get kids to complete tasks and do life skills on their own without your help!

Bottom Line: Kids are capable of doing a lot on their own.

Check out this new course, “Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.”  over on Sparkitivity and receive 25% off with the promo code THRIVE25.

4. Give Your Kids Daily Jobs

Just like in school when kids are given a special job to do to help the teacher, you can also do this at home.

Call these special tasks or ask your child what fun name they want to use. Their teacher may have had a snazzy name you can continue to use at home. 

I like to use “special job”! Kids want to feel older than they are and older people have jobs. I’ve also heard these types of tasks called contributions signifying how they are contributing to the family. Whatever floats your fancy!

You can also get more creative or let them pick.

Bottom Line: Encourage your kids to help out around the house.

daily chores for kids

5. Implement Routines and Schedules

Kids need routines.

Period.

Now, they don’t need every second of their day scheduled with a new lesson or activity, but they do need to experience predictability.  

In order to be productive while working from home with kids, there has to be some kind of routine. And this routine isn’t just for your little people but for you too.

While homeschooling and working full time, set aside a block of time for “office hours”. This can be a chunk of time when your kids focus on schoolwork if they can work independently or when they have “room time” or “quiet time”.

If you work for an employer, make sure your boss understands that although you have a schedule, it needs to be flexible. Discuss how this will happen and what this will look like. 

Bottom Line: Routines and schedules will make life easier.

6. Schedule Quality Time

When your kids’ attention buckets are full, they typically will play on their own or get along with their siblings a lot better. 

We tried not scheduling quality time but that didn’t work because we would forget to make time for it. Therefore, we have found that if each kiddo consistently gets even 10 minutes of quality time with me or my husband daily, then they will play by themselves for a lot longer and make better choices (this helps with siblings fighting too)!

Bottom Line: Kids desire one-on-one time if they realize it or not.

7. Get Help When Needed

If you are able to hire a sitter or mother’s helper to play with your kids so you can get a few hours of interrupted work time in, then do it! I did this when I owned my photography business and had two littles under three. 

Depending on the age of your children, you could also look for virtual help! My mother-in-law loves to read books to our kids via Facetime since she lives across the country. Find a family member or your kids’ friends who can entertain your kids long enough to get a little work finished. Research supports that this is one way screens are very beneficial for young children!

Bottom Line: Ask for help!

work from home with kids

Homeschool While Working

It is doable and can be done if you have the means to be able to work from home.

I have been looking into resources for parents who are required to go to work if schools remain closed and haven’t had a whole lot of luck. If you work outside of the home and have been able to make it work where your kids can still do some kind of online schooling or homeschooling, comment below on how you’re doing it!

Lastly, if you are working from home while homeschooling (or your kids are doing online schooling, distance learning, crisis schooling, unschooling or clown schooling …just checking to see if you are still awake😉), and it isn’t working well, check out this course, “Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.” Enter the PROMO code: THRIVE25 for 25% off!

And as always if these tips helped you, please feel free to share or pin!

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My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy So I’m Doing These 4 Things!

Inside: Do you ever say this to yourself, “My kids are driving me crazy?” I sure have over this time of being stuck inside so here’s what I did to stay connected and not lose my mind!

I couldn’t get to the back door fast enough. As my hand turned the knob, the pressure started to release like I was opening the valve on top of an Instant Pot.

I let loose. But instead of a “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” sound, what came out of me was more of a high-pitched scream.

I screamed on top of my lungs right outside my back door.

From inside, my kids sat and watched me through the windows wide-eyed.

My physical body could no longer handle how I was feeling from my kids’ behavior, being trapped in the house, and being forced to be an introvert. All new territory. Ultimately, I thought my kids were driving me crazy to the point of completely losing my marbles.

Please note: I did explain to my boys afterward what happened and repaired any damage. They found humor in how I was acting. I also told them how it’s never good to bottle up emotions or they might end up scaring the neighbors like me. Oh, goodness.

Two days after this moment, I started to develop shingles on my scalp and left side of my face. Honestly, I thought it was deep cystic acne from all the stress. I was no longer in control of anything in my life or so it seemed.

my kids are driving me crazy

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Why Are My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy?!

The first step to any emotional challenge is to figure out the why behind the behavior. The huge iceberg we can’t see beneath the surface.

I made an iceberg infographic in regard to child behavior for this post on why parenting is hard, but I realized that it can totally be applied to us parents too! Or at least me!

behavior management iceberg

Crying, check.

Isolation, check.

Yelling, check.

Agression, check.

Tantrum, check if you count standing on the back porch screaming.

So what was causing all these “behaviors”? And why did I feel like my kids were driving me crazy?

This took quite the discovery to see what was beneath the surface.

It didn’t even really involve anything my kids did! Well, maybe a little. They had a focus of a hamster and weren’t exactly motivated to do what was on my agenda.

Paraphrased: They weren’t doing what I wanted when I wanted without considering how they were feeling even though their life just completely changed, too. I offered no empathy and threw everything I know about brain development or how to take care of myself out the window.

Instead of giving them the space they needed or focusing on connection, I kept pushing and pushing until I began to spiral out of control of my own thoughts and emotions.

I felt weary, exhausted, anxious, and out-of-my-mind-stressed because of mom guilt and a loss of control.

mom stress

There were a whole lot of “should’ve’s” circling around in my mind.

“My kids should get started with school right at 9:00am.”

“I should be able to leave my house.”

“My house should stay clean all day.”

“We should all be acting thankful that we have each other and get to spend so much time together.”

“We should be able to do a fun craft that everyone enjoys doing.” And if I’m being really honest, I was hoping for those moments that I could capture and post to social media to show how we’re surviving and thriving during all of this. Yes, I’m totally giving myself a huge eye roll as I type this!

One last reason I got to the point of feeling like my kids were driving me crazy is because I was thrown into experiencing a brand new way of life. Stuck at home, with all males, nowhere to go and no friends to play with.

While I write this, we’re still in quarantine.

Everything is shut down including parks, libraries, schools, restaurants, national parks, organized sports, the gym (insert huge sad face here), and basically any place besides our house that we want to go to or do.

This is our reality for now and by bringing how I felt into perspective, I was able to chill out a little and start making some changes. You know, to avoid the whole screaming on the back porch incident.

family gone crazy

How I Get My Kids to Stop Driving Me Crazy

It took some work but over the course of a few weeks, I was able to lean into God’s Word more, feel wrapped in His grace, and have a shift in my mindset.

The guilt, shame and loss of control slowly started to lift off of my shoulders.

Here are a few things that are helping me stay sane and not let my kids’ affect me as much.

1. I Get Crazy!

This may be a little unconventional but I have spent most of my life striving to be different.

I kid you not when I say, I get crazy.

Crazy as in fun, playful and silly.

fun mom and son

Laugh

Anytime I start to feel the stress start to seep into my body, I begin to laugh uncontrollably. It’s scientifically proven that laughter is quite contagious and can completely change the mood of a room (or kitchen during school time).

If you know my kids, you should ask them about this new trait of mine. Ha! I may have scared my boys at first but it didn’t take long before they started laughing, too.

And if laughing doesn’t work, I dance.

Dance

Google Home is my best friend blasting KidzBop so I can shimmy around my kitchen island letting the music move me. Literally. Dancing for friends on Marco Polo and having them dance back also brings me joy.

Just yesterday, my oldest taught my son to say, “Can’t Touch This. Hammer Time,” so we spent at least an hour learning the lyrics while doing our best Hammer moves. “My, my, my, my music hits me so hard…”

Tell Puns and Jokes

If I can’t get my kids to make eye contact with me or listen to a word that’s coming out of my mouth, I begin to speak in puns and jokes.

How can my kids continue to ignore me when I’m telling them the corniest jokes ever?

Become an Animal

I told you I get crazy.

This one is most loved by my toddler who probably affects my emotions the most. His whining and crying over not getting a toy he wants has been getting under my skin more than I would like to admit.

So when my stress response is triggered and I’m ready to yell or feel like I want to shake him (please note: I don’t ever do this but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to sometimes), alternatively, I become a monkey.

Monkeys are the easiest to imitate but I’ve been a lion, snake, and even a mouse. It not only helps my kids listen but it prevents my amygdala from taking over. I can access my thinker part of my brain where creativity is also found.

So you may not want to turn into an animal and that’s okay. It took me a while to get there, too. Ha!

I do dare you to get crazy in one way or another though!

2. I Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is so powerful.

I always thought it was against my religion because I associated it with emptying the mind. Wow oh wow was I wrong. It’s actually about FILLING your mind with all things that are good just as the Bible teaches us. And you don’t even need to be a believer to practice mindfulness. It’s free and for all people!

Waking up early, meditating on script

ure, having a sit spot, journaling, and getting back to practicing my deep breathing are all saving my booty during this time! (I came across these gorgeous leather journals that feel so great to write in and will last for years. I’m super weird and love to have a journal that feels good!)

To learn more about how to practice mindfulness, check out this post: 5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos! And as a bonus for signing up to join my email list, you will receive this Taking Care of MYSELF eBook!

get outdoors with kids

3. I Become One With Nature

Okay, so I don’t really become one with nature because I don’t even know what that means. I wanted to see if you were paying attention.

What I do though is get out in nature as long as it’s not over 100 degrees. We have been hiking a lot on nearby trails and exploring a local nature preserve. Desert hiking is incredible. The wildflowers this year were so beautiful and I can’t ever get enough of flowering cacti!

As I stared at the cactus blooms, I see myself. I am blooming among this thorny time in life right now.

cactus flower

And if we can’t go hiking because of the heat (and rattlesnakes, oh my!), we drive a few hours north to camp. I can’t wait to head to Flagstaff to sit in the cool pines next week. Since we don’t have the kind of nature that fills my soul readily available outside of our door, having a camper is the next best thing!

In an article on University of Minnesota’s Take Care of Your Wellbeing, they say, “Being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, reduces anger, fear, and stress and increases pleasant feelings. Exposure to nature not only makes you feel better emotionally, it contributes to your physical wellbeing, reducing blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension, and the production of stress hormones. It may even reduce mortality, according to scientists such as public health researchers Stamatakis and Mitchell.”

4. I Tap Out

When I just can’t get my stuff together, I physically tap out.

My husband will often tap in. He usually puts the boys to work or turns a movie on, but hey, whatever works! If we were able to hang out with others, I would ask for help from friends, too. It takes an army, I tell ya!

Or I tap out by walking outside to breathe, look at the trees and listen to the birds. Again mindfulness.

If I can’t go outside I’ll lock myself in my closet or bathroom for a few minutes. I thought my husband was crazy for putting security cameras throughout the house, but they really come in handy when I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Discovering What’s Driving You Crazy

If you are having similar feelings or you can’t figure out how to access a state of calm, I recommend figuring out where those emotions are coming from before you do anything else!

Here are some great ways to discover why your kids may be driving you crazy:

  1. Write it down. Brain dump every emotion and feeling inside your body. If you pray, use this time to write out prayers too!
  2. Talk to a friend. I’m beyond thankful for social distancing coffee dates my friends and I have been having. They are FILLING my soul. Also, as I get rid of all the junk that’s stuffed inside, I can discover why I’m feeling that way.
  3. Talk to your wall. I’m not kidding! Sit on the end of your bed and spill the beans to your bedroom walls. Explain events that have been happening, your reactions, and your kids’ reactions. You’ll be surprised at how awesome this works in figuring out what’s beneath the surface.
  4. Pray. Give it a try. Ask God to take the wheel and He will!

Next Time Before I Scream

Next time my kids are driving me crazy, like in ten minutes, my first response is going to be to take care of myself. Breathe, shake it off, and who knows, become a pig!

Although I felt shame and guilt for screaming on my back porch that day, I did what my body needed. I was in dire need of getting rid of all the emotional junk stuffed inside me. Being a parent is hard stuff so let’s all take it one moment at a time.

Here’s to being human!

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5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos

In this post, you will find creative mindfulness exercises for parents that bring connection and a sense of calm, joy and happiness to the chaos of life. This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

The biggest struggle I have in being the gentle, kind, calm and connected parent I want to be is that my kids are LOUD!

I’m not talking about occasional shrieking when they get excited or yelling that they are open when playing a game of basketball, but rather, talking and being loud all of the time. I can be a few feet from my son and yet he projects as if I’m across the street. My boys were not born with a volume button.

mom stress

I lied.

They do have a volume knob.

It just goes from 70% to 100% when they are upset or frustrated. It’s in these moments that I need to keep myself calm so I can attune to their needs.

Because I know that in those moments, there is ZERO reason to correct or reason with them if their lid is flipped.

Staying calm when the noise is deafening was so hard for me. I would start to feel like I was trapped in an echoey cave complete with cave kids and no way out.

The key to getting out of that cave is learning how to practice MINDFULNESS!

In order to get out of survival mode, find joy in motherhood, and stay calm enough to make long-lasting connections with my kids, I needed to learn how to be mindful.  

In order to get to this point where we train our brains and bodies to go into relaxation mode when the stress (or noise) is high, we need to know how to bring awareness to our experience.

Over the years, I have found a few creative mindfulness exercises for parents that help reduce the stress in stressful parenting situations.

What is Mindfulness For Parents?

Before I go into the specific exercises, let’s talk about what mindfulness even is.

It is a buzzword so I’m sure you have heard of it a time or two. This may also mean you have some preconceived notions of what it is. I know I did.

What Mindfulness is NOT

Here are a few things that mindfulness for parents is not:

Weird

It does not mean you need to climb to the top of a mountain surrounded by llamas and alpacas, repeating, “Ommmm”. That is a form of meditation. Two separate things.

Against Religion

It’s not against the Christian religion. I avoided anything to do with this word because I thought it was about emptying the mind.

Wrong!

It’s actually the opposite and can be used to bring you closer to God!

Something That Has To Take A Long Time

I’ve heard people say they don’t have time to do a mindfulness practice.

This is silly because being mindful doesn’t have to be this long-drawn-out process. It can be a quick, check-in with how your body feels and what you are thinking kind of thing then move on your merry way to clean the toilets or play with your child. I don’t know about you, but I typically choose to play with my child!

savoring motherhood

What Mindfulness IS

Simply put, mindfulness is the act of becoming aware of your experiences.

That’s it!

Right now, wherever you are, in your bed, in your house, at the park, at a doctor’s office, hopefully not in your car driving…take your attention off of this blog and bring awareness to how your body feels.

How does your face feel? Your hands? Feet? What kind of experience are you having this very second?

That, my friend, is mindfulness!

Noticing what is going on WITHOUT reacting or trying to fix things, or making judgments. 

Work with and direct those thoughts and feelings. This helps us enter a state where we can observe what is happening instead of allowing our emotions to hijack our behavior.

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises for Parents 

Now, the real fun begins! 

Taking time to check in with your mind and body has so many benefits.

Mindfulness can take a crappy day and turn it into a good one. It can give you the space to think before you speak, connect before you correct and respond instead of react.

Being mindful can help you become the mom or dad you want to be for your children and the husband or wife you want to be for your spouse.

There are many different kinds of mindfulness practices you can incorporate into your daily life.

I am unpacking five creative mindfulness exercises that will help you find joy in parenthood and life, reduce stress, not yell and if you want, become closer to God.

All of these can be taught to your children which in turn can help you stay calm.

BONUS! By signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a Taking Care of MYSELF ebook that helps you take care of yourself so you have more to give. Learn how to be a calm happy, fulfilled parent with an acryonym that’s easy to remember!

1. STOP, Pause (or Pray) then Breathe

 Stop.

Drop your agenda. If nothing is physical and it’s not an actual emergency…

PRAY. 

Then BREATH. Take 3 deep breaths and CHOOSE to calm down. 

mindfulness for moms

2. Use Mantras

Ond day while my son was having a sensory (read: intense) meltdown, repeating mantras in my head totally saved me from matching his emotions. Otherwise, I would have totally lost it.

Because I kept repeating to myself, “He would do well if he could”, I was able to stay regulated long enough to help him calm down (this is called co-regulation).

Here are mantras that can help parents calm down:

  • This is not an emergency.
  • I can handle this.
  • I breathe in calm, I breathe out calm. I breathe in love, I breathe out calm. (Dr. Laura Markham)
  • My child would do well if he or she could (Dr. Ross Greene)
  • Behavior is an unmet need.
  • Behavior is communication.
  • God, I’m safe with you.
  • I have everything I need right now (Abundant Mama)
  • Connection before correction (Dr. Daniel Siegel)
mantras for moms and parents
click to download a full poster!

Every time you are able to calm down, your prefrontal cortex gets stronger and more neural pathways are formed.

You develop what is called, vagal tone.

The nerve that calms your body down, the vagus nerve, gets stronger. Someone with a good vagal tone is more resilient and can return to a sense of calm much faster.

As your vagal tone gets stronger,

  • You can intervene
  • Connect before you correct and 
  • Respond before you react! 

Have you caught onto the underlying benefits of mindfulness yet?

3. Breathe!

Last year, I was sitting with a group of women and my friend mentioned how she thought it was funny that her iwatch kept telling her to breath. She said, “Obviously, I’m breathing. I have to breathe to live.”

 True.

However, there are different ways to breathe. The way the iwatch wants you to breathe to deactivate your stress response.

You can do this RIGHT NOW!

Breath in slowly.

Hold your breath at the top.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 …keep holding 6 – 7

Now blow out all of the air until it’s all gone.

Doesn’t that feel good? I was doing this as I was writing and have decided air is my drug of choice!!! Ha!  

The reason why this feels good is because of a few things:

Your Autonomic Nervous System is made up of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic system is what helps you get into a calm state. I envision floating along on a parasail. This is when you can be relaxed, lose weight easier, sleep better and be happier. It’s restorative and gets rid of the stress hormones. You feel safe and can access intuition and insight.

Then we have the sympathetic nervous. When it’s activated, it’s telling our bodies there is an EMERGENCY!! This is when we go into a fight, flight, freeze or faint state and cortisol levels increase.

If we don’t get out of this system, we can gain weight, become sleep deprived, depressed and sad, be defensive, impulsive or completely shut down.

Get This! A relaxation response takes 12 breaths (roughly 2 minutes). However, if you do deep breathing regularly, it can work after 6 breaths!

I’ve had people tell me that breathing doesn’t work. It’s usually because they wait until they are at their boiling point and wanting to shake their child (which I don’t recommend doing that) to breathe! Then yes, it may not seem like breathing works. 

The research is very clear.

Breathing calms down the body. Period. It is also readily available!

window of tolerance for moms

Specific Breathing exercises

  • 5, 7, 8 breathing – Inhale for five counts, hold for seven and blow out a big exhale for eight counts. I don’t usually count, but instead, I just make sure my exhales are longer than my inhales.
  • Box breathing – Breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. You can use your finger to draw a box or square as you count to four.
  • Scripture breathing – inhale as you recite scripture in your head and then exhale as you finish.
  • Connecting your breath to your thoughts, don’t just notice it.

You can access a deeper level of restfulness and healing by filling your mind with goodness. 

calm mom

When to Practice Breathing

Here are great times to do deep breathing exercises. In fact, since I do my breathing practice while driving, every time I put my car into drive, I automatically start to inhale deeply. My brain has been trained to take nice long deep breaths anytime I’m on the go.

Here are all the spots that work well to practice deep breathing:

  • Driving or riding in the car
  • While rocking a baby or toddler
  • Nursing a baby
  • Waiting for kids while in the car
  • Watching kids play sports from the sidelines at a practice or a game

4. Do a Body Scan

This is something else you can do while reading this post on creative mindfulness exercises.

Bring your attention to each of the following body parts one at a time:

  1. Toes → ball of the foot
  2. Calves → quads
  3. Stomach 
  4. Mind
  5. Heart

If we continue to keep ALL THE JUNK stuffed, that anxiety builds up then later explodes. Alternatively, think about how you feel in every nook and cranny of your body so you can release the tension.

happy mom

5. Savor

Savoring is aiming your attention on positive things in order to create a “bank account” of goodness to draw on in tough times. 

I once heard Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting say, “Happiness is not in our brain’s job description…it’s always on the lookout for danger.” That helped me make sense of why I feel the way I do in so many situations.

When you induce the feelings of gratitude, empathy, and pleasure, you are actually changing the neurotransmitters in your brain to give yourself a positive sense of well-being and a strong sense of safety.

How to savor: attach positive thoughts to each of your senses.

What you see around you – nature, your kids getting along, your house you are blessed to live in, certain colors you enjoy

What you hear – music, a baby’s laugh, the sizzling of food, birds chirping, the leaves rustling

What you smell – your favorite food, essential oils, your hair, perfume, your baby’s sweet skin

How you felt in the past – reminisce on past experiences that were very joyful. Savor through journaling.

What you feel – something soft, your baby’s skin, your clothes, a tree

What you taste – think of the texture, flavor, and temperature

When savoring, it’s important that you choose something you actually like.

It’s confusing to the brain if you force positive thoughts while eating chocolate when you can’t stand the taste. Rather, look, listen, smell, feel and taste what you already enjoy.

Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

Yes, we are sold on a lot of ways to find happiness and ways to change our lives.

Some work and some don’t.

I can tell you from experience that having a mindfulness practice really does make a positive change. The more we bring awareness to our mind and body connection, the better we become at managing our emotions and the words that come out of our mouths.

Freebies for You!

I presented on this topic at my local MOPS chapter. For my talk, I provided my mommy friends with a printable that I wanted to make available to you as well. Click here to download the Mindfulness Handout.

I also have a self-care ebook to help mamas be their best selves! Fill out the form below and it will be sent directly to your email inbox.

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If you find this information helpful in finding calm and happiness, please feel free to share! Use the sharing buttons below.

Much love,

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What I Wish I Knew as a Mom To a Very High Energy Toddler

No joke. When my first son was very young, I scoured as many parenting book indexes to find information on what to do with a high energy toddler. When I couldn’t find “high energy”, I would scan the “C” section to see if I could find, “Crazy Toddler!”

I never found either in any book. Womp. Womp.

As a first time mom, I had already read the typical advice offered to discipline children. The positive discipline and positive parenting tactics worked great when it came to following instructions and sleeping at night.

He listened (fairly well), had very kind intentions, seemed to have an advanced understanding of differences in other children and wanted to do well.

However, he literally bounced off the walls and acted CRAZY!! People will sometimes compare kids to the Energizer Bunny, well my high energy toddler would give that bunny a run for its money! **I did get his permission to share this. He has seen the videos and concurs.

high energy toddler can be exhausting

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I had heard that boys had a ton of energy. I accepted that, but this was far more than I ever thought was possible. When he was two and three, he would literally run as fast as he could into the wall to see if he could knock himself out. I watched my little brother grow up, but he was quite docile. This was new territory for me!

Without understanding what behavior was or that brains could be differently wired, I really had no starting point to make sense of what was happening inside the walls of my house.

One day when my husband was out of town, I had a pivotal moment. My son was getting a shower throwing water everywhere, grabbing his brother, yelling on top of his lungs and completely out of control. He was happy, but yet, had zero control over his actions.

I sat on the toilet with this thought…

“I quit motherhood.”

really sad mom

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

As my son grew, started school and we learned more about how his brain was wired, a lot of things started to make sense.

If you find yourself in the same boat of not knowing what to do with your overly active hyper, maybe sometimes crazy child, here are some things I wish I would have known that may help you.

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

First and foremost, I think reading The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson should be a prerequisite to becoming a parent. I’m telling you, this book does such an incredible job explaining what is happening in your child’s brain in a very practical easy-to-digest way.

Basically, the brain works best when it’s integrated which means all the parts are working together in a balanced way. Kids need to use their right emotional brain WITH their left logical brain in order to live a meaningful, creative, balanced and fulfilling life.

We can help our kids do this first by connecting our right brain state to their own right brain state to their right brain state. Then once they are calm, it’s time to bring in the rational thought and logic to make sense of their behaviors.

From reading the book, I was also able to fully grasp the difference between the upstairs thinker brain and downstairs reactive brain.

When kids have access to their prefrontal cortex (which doesn’t fully develop until they are in their late 20’s!), they can think clearly, make good decisions, understand the consequences for poor choices, be creative and all the things. When they are acting out of their downstairs brain, it can get a little chaotic.

Dr. Siegel explains all of this in a way that is so relevant to parents. When kids are in a reactive state where they are angry, sad, frustrated or out of control, a baby gate is slammed shut at the bottom of the steps stopping any access to the upstairs brain. As parents, we need to open that baby gate by connecting with our child and getting him or her to calm down.

When I had a crazy high energy toddler on my hands, all I needed to do was get on his level, connect with him, name what was going on and get him connected to his upstairs brain so he could act like a calm human again.

How to Look Underneath the Surface

Behavior is communication. No matter how a child is acting, he or she is communicating with you.

Underneath every unwanted behavior is usually an unmet need.

Although my son wasn’t disobeying or making poor choices, there was a reason he was running full speed into the wall.

How a child acts on the outside is like the tip of the iceberg poking out of the water. It’s what is underneath the surface that gives us insight as to where the behavior is coming from.

behavior management iceberg

For my high energy toddler, it was a sensory need. I still don’t have a full understanding of the proprioceptive system and sensory output versus input, but what I do know is some kids have challenges with responding to information that comes through their senses.

He had a need that required him to want movement and physical contact. It’s what is called sensory seeking. Here are signs to look out for:

  • Touches everything!
  • Is very physical and prefers to play rough (although the intent may not be to hurt)
  • Is clumsy or always falling
  • Has a high tolerance for pain
  • Squirms and fidgets a lot – it seems like he or she never stops moving!

Yep, this pretty much sums up my son as a toddler.

If I had this knowledge, I could have created more structure to his day with routines and given him tools to calm down (like in my calm down kit!).

I also wish I would have known about other outlets that we have found that work to fulfill his sensory needs such as fidgets, a weighted blanket, squeezy balls, mazes, joint compressions, a trampoline or anything else that allowed him to get energy out in a safe way. My friend, Julie, has a GREAT list of activities for kids to get the proprioceptive and vestibular sensory input they need.

Read Next: Routines for Kids: How They Work and & How To Create Your Own

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

I knew every kid was unique and special. I mean, I had a whole unit on it in 5th, 6th and 7th Grade! However, I had no idea there was something called asynchronous development or neurodiversity.

There is the neurotypical brain that develops at a certain rate compared to other brains the same age. All the milestones and neural connections are in “sync”. Then there is the neurodiverse brain that may be advanced in some areas and behind in others so the development is uneven in intellectual, physical and emotional development. This is a trait found in gifted children. The higher the IQ, the more out of sync these areas of development tend to be.

This is where it gets tricky with doctors and schools because the systems, at least in our culture in the U.S.. are set up for neurotypical kids.

So here I was asking for help wondering why in the world my son could make the coolest creations out of paper and take any kind of electronic apart and put it back together (at age THREE!) and do math in his head, but yet he could not control his emotions, body or actions as well as other kids his age. The only answer I would get from professionals was to make sure I kept him safe. And that alone was no easy task!

Simply by understanding that he was not on the same level as his peers or who is teachers and doctors were comparing him to, I could have helped him in a bigger way. Instead of feeling like I wanted to quit motherhood, I could have provided ways to help my high energy toddler develop the skills in the areas he was developmentally behind in.

high energy toddlers struggle with self regulation

Connection is More Important Than Correction

When my son was little, I joined a lot of mommy groups! The common topic discussed was how to get our toddlers and preschoolers to listen! How do we get our kids to do what we want when we want them to do something.

Wow! Has my perspective changed!! And for the better! I don’t have to stress out so much. I could have prevented so many frustrating moments back when I was that first-time mom seeking out these kinds of answers.

What would have been helpful was to learn how to connect before I corrected my child’s behavior. Most of the time, it wasn’t even “wrong” behavior but rather, too much craziness and hyperactivity that I couldn’t handle.

It’s that simple. Instead of having to count to three or five or fifty, give time outs or do whatever other advice I found, all I needed to do was learn how my high energy toddler liked to connect. He still prefers a hug, eye contact, and affirmations.

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

Lastly, I didn’t really take care of myself. Instead, I put all my energy and effort into chasing after a crazy high energy toddler! How in the world could I have time to focus on myself?

What I found as my kids got older is when I focus on self-care every day (not just Sundays!), I have a whole lot more to give. Self-care doesn’t have to be this long day at the spa. Instead, it can be squeezing in a workout, spending time with friends, reading the Bible and praying, or heck, taking a shower and actually blow drying your hair! Some of these were extremely hard to do with a very high energy toddler running around screaming, but I should have made them a priority!

If you struggle with self-care, check out my free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter.

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A Note To The Mama With a High Energy Toddler (Who May Be Driving You a Little Bonker Balls)

I want to tell you that I can relate. Seriously, if you don’t know where to turn and you’re struggling to help calm your child, CONTACT ME! I’d love to chat and help you figure out what’s under the surface.

Also, I’m here to let you know that it can get better. Stay focused on connecting with your child regardless of how tired he or she makes you feel and the rewards will be more than you could ever imagine.

What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Here is the condensed version of what I could have done differently and what I ended up changing as my son got older. Knowledge is power!

  1. Get on your child’s level (or below eye contact if they’re not too low to the ground!), connect with him or her, and name it to tame it.
  2. Provide outlets for your active child to get all the wiggles out! Don’t repress the movement! Use sensory toys, encourage playing outside, running, jumping, use a weighted blanket or do joint compressions at night.
  3. Reframe your thinking about how your child should be acting. Look at his or her brain wiring, interests and developmental milestones compared only to your child, not other kids the same age.
  4. Connect before you correct. Every time!

PS: If you don’t know what “bonker balls” is referencing to, then you are missing out and must check out the best podcast ever for kids. Shhhh, I even listen when I’m without my kids!!

Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

Are you currently in the toddler stage and don’t know what to do with all of your toddler’s energy? Or are you past that phase, but your child is still bouncing off the walls? I hope these tips help! If you know other moms who this information will benefit, please feel free to share!!! Click on the share buttons below.

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How Moms Can Be Nice To Their Kids (And Reduce Stress) During the Holidays

Last year around the beginning of December, I was sitting with a group of moms. Between the seven of us, we had 26 kids! As we started to talk about what was going on in our lives, I could see the exhaustion and even a little sadness on some of my friends’ faces. Then a few said similar things, “It’s really hard for me to be nice to my kids around the holidays. How can us moms reduce stress during the holidays? Please pray I can find patience.” 

Christmas brings an abundance of joy, but it also can bring a whole lot of stress. 

The schedule seems to fill up super fast. 

Diet can be thrown off because it’s too hard to resist all that yummy holiday food. 

Family can make things better or let’s be honest, complicate life a little more than usual. 

There may be a ton more travel involved, by car, plane or boat! Okay, maybe not by boat unless your super close to water. 

And there are a whole lot of to-do lists making our sleep suffer.

moms reduce stress during the holidays

It can feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get all the shopping, baking and activities finished. Then, on top of all that, we are expected to have enough mental capacity to be patient and kind to our kids. 

What Causes Parents to Snap?

In order to help moms reduce stress during the holidays, we need to figure out where this is coming from. Why are we quick to snap or yell at our kids, especially during the hap, hap, happiest Christmas (name that movie…and I stopped there because I’m not a fan of vulgar language 😉)? 

I will do a post that digs a little deeper into why parents get angry in general but for now, it’s good to have a basic understanding. 

mom stress during christmas

Here are the main reasons why you can get angry or unkind to your kids during the holidays: 

Taking things too personally

There are usually a lot more activities, events, and family visits this time of year and if our kids are not behaving perfectly, we take on that stress. Or we start to forget how to connect and jump on the correction-only train making our kids’ behavior spiral even more out of control. 

Related: The Real Reasons Parenting is Hard

Hyper-vigilance

As moms, we are always scanning the premises to detect a threat. Let’s face it, during this time of year there can be a lot of threats caused by lack of sleep, poor diet, too much excitement, and the list could go on. 

Expectations

Even if we don’t mean to, we can unintentionally set unrealistic expectations for how our kids should behave, for how all the events and activities should go and for what Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannakuh or whatever holiday we celebrate should be like. See that word, should. Let’s throw that out of the window and let the experiences be what they are. 

Lack of Rules and Limitations

It’s Thanksgiving! It’s Christmas! Hanukkah is here! We tend to let down our guard during this time and give in a little more than usual. Know the phrase, “give an inch and they take a mile?” My kids sure have taken their fair share of miles during this time of year so it’s good to be aware to reign that in because kids need structure and (positive) discipline.  

Burn Out

It’s especially hard to find time to take care of ourselves during this time of year because time is fleeting. This can leave to not having anything else to give to the people who need us most. 

BONUS!! If it’s hard to squeeze in one-on-one time with your kids, sign up for my newsletter to receive a FREE Quality Time Printable with over 60 activities to do with your child!

reduce mom stress with crying toddlers

6 Things You Can Do To Be Nice To Your Kids During the Holidays 

Here are six specific ways us, moms, can reduce stress during the holidays and in turn, be kind and nice to our kids!

1. Take Care of Your Mind!

Our minds are very precious commodities. We only have so much mental capacity to do so much during the day so we need to protect what we have like a treasure. 

Creating mental space allows you to not react right away when situations arise. Instead, you can take that time to stop, pause, pray and breathe.

The more you can create this space, the less you will have the urge to yell, scream, and be mean to your kids. In turn, they will eventually be able to return the kindness back to you. 

Behave Like the Person You Want To Be

Do you feel like your kids are driving you crazy? Act as if they aren’t.

Feel like you don’t have enough time to get everything done? Act as if you do.

Are you dreading driving a few hours to visit family? Act as if you can’t wait. 

This is the key to helping us, moms, reduce stress during the holidays because there is power in reframing the way we view our circumstances.

If you sit in the negativity, that’s where you will stay. Even if you are having those feelings, stop and act as if you are on top of the world and eventually your mind will catch up. 

mom doing yoga practicing mindfulness

Practice Mindfulness

It doesn’t need to take long to benefit from mindfulness. Even a few minutes a day can help bring awareness back to your mind and body so you can continue on with your day connecting and enjoying your family. 

A good time I practice mindfulness is when I’m in the car, I’m rocking my toddler and I’m lying in bed at night.

Pause and take a moment to see, hear and feel your environment. Do a quick body scan to see how you are physically feeling. Lastly, check-in with your emotions, label those emotions and take note on why you are feeling that way.

Practice Gratitude

Recognizing what you are grateful for has many more benefits than just being a nice person. It can contribute to our overall mental and physical health. There are four parts of gratitude that we should make sure we teach our kids, but also pay attention to for ourselves as well. 

Research shows that gratitude changes the brain for good! 

At the start or end of every day, go through at least five things you are grateful for. Be specific and change the list every day. You’ll be surprised at how this makes you feel. 

Also, turn your negative thoughts about a situation or person and turn into a positive. For example, if you are stressed you have to bake so many cookies for your child’s school, flip that thinking into what you grateful for in that situation. Find gratitude in being able to have a kitchen, enough money to afford to buy cookies, or be thankful that you are blessed to even have a child to make cookies for. 

One last way gratitude can come to play to be nicer to our kids is by teaching it to them! I find this to be so important in parenting that I created a Gratitude Toolkit that encourages kids to be introspective and learn how to be empathic towards others.

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laugh at christmas

2. Intentionally Reduce Stress

Most of what is on this list is geared to ways to help us moms reduce stress during the holidays. It’s also important to have an awareness that you may be getting stressed out so that you can nip it in the bud right away. 

Very simple ways to ensure you don’t reach a toxic level of stress is to plan ahead, stick to routines and systems as best as you can, have realistic expectations, set a budget and know when it’s time to ask for help! 

Related: 7 Easy Self-Care Ideas for Busy Moms

3. Hand Off Responsibility

Look at that perfect segue! 

Another thing we can do that will help us be nice to our kids is to hand off responsibility to others. This one is really hard for me because I never want to be a burden. Many of my friends have their parents or siblings who help, but all of our extended family members live across the country from us. 

It takes a lot to ask a friend who probably has kids of her own to help you out. What I have found is most people, if they can, do want to help. A friend of mine always tells me to stop taking her ability to bless me away from her.

A great way to find help is to get connected in a bible study or playgroup, make friends with an empty nester or retiree. If you can afford it, hire a babysitter or mother’s helper to help you lighten your load. 

4. Focus on Your Wants

It’s okay to be selfish and focus on what you want!

How do you want this season to look? Write down all that you want to experience and accomplish this time of year. Remember not to set too high of expectations. However, it’s still good to figure out what it is that you want. 

Don’t fall into the trap of being a grumpy mean mom because you feel like your opinion or feelings don’t matter. Instead, make them a priority! 

moms reduce stress during the holidays by laughing

5. Give Yourself Grace and Let Loose!

It’s okay if you are not perfect! 

Let me repeat that thought: “You don’t need to be perfect!”

With all of the images we are bombarded with on social media, it’s hard not to compare what we are doing for the holidays with others. It can create this sense of needing to be perfect. Have the perfect holiday photos, make the perfect Christmas dinner, get your kids the best presents, go to and do all the things. And can I mention that after being a family photographer for over 5 years that the end result most likely is NOT how the session went?

I know you’ve heard it before, but a lot of what we see is other people’s highlight reel so stop comparing your worst to their best. 

I’m here to tell you that you do not need to be perfect nor do you need to strive for perfection. Enjoy every moment as it comes! Next time you felt like you just messed up, stop and be courteous to yourself and remember that you are doing the best you can and that is MORE than enough because you matter! 

Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF with Self Care so I Can Give More to My Family

If you’re having a tough time giving yourself grace, drop everything and start dancing or singing or just let loose and find some FUN! I’m telling you dancing is the cure to most problems in my life. 

family time at christmas

6. If All Else Fails…((whisper))

I am not even kidding. This little teeny tiny tip has been life-changing. 

If your house starts to get loud or it seems like no one is listening to you, stop talking or yelling and whisper.

It’s amazing how quiet it can get. Sometimes I do have to get right up in my kids’ grill so they even know I’m trying to communicate to them. When this happens, they stop, look at me like I’m crazy and then a magical thing happens! The noise reduces, my kids can hear me and somehow I get calmer and can gather my thoughts enough to be NICE! 

Enjoy the Holidays and Spread Some Cheer

Remember when I said this time of year is supposed to be joyful? It really can be if we slow down. It’s much easier for us, moms, to reduce stress during the holidays and be nice to our kids when we become aware that they are only going to be two, three, four or however old this one year. It’s not worth creating negative memories because they will be gone before we know it. 

Take note of when you’re starting to feel unkind.

Have a heart to heart with your children about how you want to be nice and how you love spending time with them. Tell them you are thankful and go spread some Christmas cheer together. 

Here is a recap of the simple ways for moms to reduce stress during the holidays:

  1. Take care of your mind
  2. Intentionally reduce stress
  3. Handoff responsibility
  4. Focus on your wants (really, it’s okay!)
  5. Give yourself grace and let loose
  6. Whisper

How Are You Being Nice To Your Kids This Holiday Season? 

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7 Easy Self-Care Ideas for Busy Moms

I’m so excited to feature Jen, she’s an amazing mom and blogger! She helps others in their mental health journey through writing at Diffusing The Tension. Today, she’s going to talk about self-care for moms and why it’s so important. 

Self-care is a major buzzword. You see it just about everywhere you look. Some of the advice is helpful. Some, not so much.  

I wanted to share some easy self-care ideas for busy moms because I am right there with you.  I often find myself tired, stressed, and like I need a little extra care. My little ones are four and two so life is extra crazy. We are almost literally drowning in toys and pullups, and many days, tears.

So, trust me, I see you.

self-care for busy moms

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details. 

What Exactly Is Self-Care?

According to Psych Central, self-care is:

“…any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it’s a simple concept, in theory, it’s something we often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.”

A Closer Look at Self-Care for Moms

We can take a few things from the above definition.  Self-care:

  • Is deliberate
  • Is good for our mental and emotional health
  • Makes us feel good physically
  • Improves our mood
  • Reduces anxiety
  • Improves our relationship(s) with ourselves and others

Quick Tip From Adriane! A great way to remember how to squeeze self-care into your daily routines is by using the acronym, MYSELF. Sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter and receive the How To Take Care of MYSELF eBook for FREE! 

Make It Deliberate

Self-care must be deliberate.  You have to make the choice on a daily basis to fit it into your schedule.  Or, if not daily, as often as you can.  

I recommend getting in a good self-care session once a week to start, and then work your way up to 5-7 days a week. Have patience with yourself. Improving your wellness is not an easy journey, so you need to give yourself grace as you begin.

picture by Michelle Praskins Photography

Make It Good For You Emotionally

Obviously, whatever self-care activity you choose needs to benefit you emotionally.  

If doing the activity is causing you more stress than you felt originally, it might not be the best fit for you.  Find something that is calming and brings you joy. Doing something you do not enjoy is counterproductive.

Make It Good For You Physically

Anything you can do to benefit your physical health is a major win!  

Yes, it might feel good temporarily to sit and eat an entire package of Oreos. But is that something that will help you feel better overall? Definitely not. Make sure you are choosing activities that add wellness, rather than subtract.

Make Sure It Improves Your Mood

If the self-care activity leaves you feeling negative or overwhelmed, try something else.  

Self-care for moms is a marathon, not a sprint, and it can take some time to figure out what is going to end up working for you. Don’t feel guilty if something you read about on this blog isn’t immediately helpful. It takes time.

mom meditating

Make Sure It Reduces Your Anxiety

If you are feeling anxious, you might need a little extra self-care than someone who is emotionally well. Make sure you are extra diligent about selecting activities that reduce those feelings of anxiety or overwhelm, and instead, leave you feeling relaxed.

Make Sure It Improves Your Relationships

It is not going to help your mental health if you are damaging your relationships in the progress. You want to make sure that the self-care journey you decide to take is not alienating you from your loved ones. More importantly, you want to make sure it is not alienating you from yourself.  You are the important factor here. Choose activities that move you closer to an ideal version of yourself, while at the same time not moving you away from those you love.

Bonus Tips

There are a couple of other things I want to point out regarding self-care for moms.  

First of all, it must be specific to you.  

I kind of referenced this earlier. An adequate self-care activity is one that is good for you personally. In the section below, I am going to deliver on the promise in the title of this article and offer 7 easy self-care ideas for busy moms.

However, not all of the ideas might work for you.  It takes a bit of trial and error, so stick with it. You might have to try several things before you settle on something that works.

Secondly, I want to touch on the concept of quantity vs. quality. You might sit and watch television after work for five hours to try to relax, but if you are feeding your negative emotions through what you watch, it is doing more harm than good.  

In my opinion, it is better to get shorter bursts of high-quality self-care, than longer spurts of ineffective self-care.

Read Next: How to Take Care Of MYSELF So I Can Give More To My Family

picture by Michelle Praskins Photography

7 Easy Self-Care Ideas 

I have some ideas for you that I think could really help. This is a game of trial and error.  Therefore, work your way down the list until you find something that resonates with you.

Fit in a good workout

This is my go-to activity I have been making a daily priority.  This ticks off lots of the above boxes. It is so good for physically and mentally.  Exercise releases feel-good chemicals in your brain called endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy and improve your self-esteem.

Take a hike with friends

This can be helpful for a couple of reasons. It is a form of exercise, so those endorphins come into play again. It also exposes you to another one of nature’s miracles: sunshine. Sunshine helps your body get the Vitamin D that it needs to feel good.

Read or listen to a good book

Reading is one of my favorite activities. There isn’t much I love more in the world than curling up with a blanket and an engrossing book. Currently, I am reading “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil,” and I can feel the book calling me from across the room.

Paint or color a picture

Getting creative has a ton of benefits. Among other things, art can relieve the mental exhaustion that a busy schedule creates. We, moms, know all about that.  Take some time to get artistic. Whether it be a pencil and paper, crayons, or paint.

Write In A Journal

Journaling is another activity that can free your mind. It can be really therapeutic to take all the thoughts rolling around in your brain and release them onto paper. Buy a gorgeous new journal (like these that I found!) and fun colored pens, and start writing!

Take a hot bath with Epsom salt

Epsom salt detoxes your body of all the crud it accumulates on a daily basis. Let the hot water wash away your stress and frustration and negativity. Bonus points if you bring a mug of your favorite hot tea or a glass of wine with you!

Drink between half an ounce and an ounce of water for each pound you weigh

Every day, I try to drink 80 ounces. Drinking water helps you feel better physically, which in turn, helps you feel better mentally and emotionally. It’s a good health care practice, period.

self-care for moms checklist

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What About You?

Which of these activities resonates with you the most? Do you have any favorite self-care ideas that did not make the list? Comment below!


About the Author

diffusing the tension

Jen, the blogger behind Diffusing the Tension, lives in Northwest Indiana with her husband and two children.  She is a busy mama who loves reading, working out, true crime, and watching TV. (Hello, murder documentaries!) 

You can follow her at: 

You can join her VIP Facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1206005752776704/

 

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The Real Reason Parenting is Hard and How to Make It Easier

Parenting can feel ridiculously hard. So hard that it leads to pure mental and physical exhaustion.

Being a parent can also make you act in a way that is not true to your core character. Worry and fear are two of many emotions often experienced. And yet, parenting is also one of the most amazing gifts.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Kids enter the world without a manual. They have their own unique personality that may be complementary to or total opposite of yours.

You may have one child who is easy to parent and another that makes you want to hit your head against the wall. Although I wouldn’t suggest you do this, it is okay to feel like that. Or like the intro of one of my favorite podcasts, Family Looking Up, says, you may feel like you want to jump off the washing machine on occasion.

Over the past few years, I have had a major mind-shift in what my job as a parent is. Then I realized because of this mind-shift, parenting didn’t feel as hard anymore.

It’s as if I could finally exhale.

consoling a toddler when parenting is hard

The Reasons Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard-wired.

Five years ago, researchers discovered that parenting behaviors are triggered through neurons in the hypothalamus. This is a tiny part of the brain where hormones are released. They found that parenting behavior is controlled by galanin neuropeptides.

Say what?

These neurons are conveyed in many brain functions such as responding to harm, sleep-wake cycles, understanding, eating, mood and blood pressure regulation and cell growth.

When we become parents, our brains change.

There is no immediate benefit to providing and caring for a completely dependent baby. However, we instinctively develop parental behaviors that come from genetic programming. Our feeling of responsibility increases as we have a new life to care for.

On a side note, researchers think the reason moms experience postpartum depression is because something goes wrong in the development of these neuronal circuits.

parenting is hard

If I surveyed 100 people on what parts of parenthood are hard, I’m sure I’d get thousands of reasons. As parents, we are pulled in many directions. The tears, tantrums, sibling fights are what I call surface level challenges.

At the moment, all the noise can make our heads feel like they’re going explode. Or the constantly correcting behavior and making sure our kids are making good choices can drain a person.

Do you ever feel like it’s just too much?

The REAL Reasons that Parenting is Hard

Yes, the running around, getting slapped in the face by a toddler or peed on by a baby and being responsible all make parenting feel hard. But, there are some more underlying reasons I think are at play.

The Need For Autonomy

We want our autonomy and so do our children!

boy packing lunch

Ever you ever heard a toddler yell, “Me do it!” while trying to do a small task for him or her?

That is a plea for autonomy and control over his or her own life.

The self-determination theory presents three psychological needs that all humans are born with: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. We need these three things to be self-motivated.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer my child to be self-sufficient and independent of me. I don’t want to rely on punishments, rewards, and other extrinsic motivators to get them to do what I want.

parenting doesn't have to be hard if you understand self-determination theory

A parent will often butt heads with a child because he or she is inadvertently taking away that basic need for autonomy.

Read More: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching Life Skills to Kids

A Different Timeline

Why is it that when it’s time to leave, kids often think it’s time to take their clothes off or start an art project? Here I am feeling like my time disappears into oblivion every day and my kids are ready to be the next Picasso just as we are heading out the door.

I found some very fascinating research to explain why kids aren’t so pressured with time!

The perception of time does actually speed up as we grow older. The reason is found with executive functions found in the frontal lobe. Working memory, attention and executive function are rapidly developing all throughout childhood.

The neural transmission is actually physically slower in kids!

timers in parenting

The frontal lobe finishes developing into adulthood around the age of 24-25. By then, time is perceived to go by a lot faster and it is encoded more accurately.

When we are trying to rush out of the house or feel like our five minutes is going to be gone in a flash, our kids perceive that time to be a lot longer.

Failure is Hard to Watch

No one likes to watch their kid fail. For some, it can cause anxiety and tears. It’s completely normal to want your child to have everything and get through life without being scathed.

However, this doesn’t teach them anything because life isn’t perfect. There will be challenges your child needs to overcome. The more they walk through these times to learn from them, the more resilient they will most likely become.

Underdeveloped Brain

Lastly, parents get frustrated with kids and their behaviors a lot of times because they want a child to do something he or she doesn’t even have the developmental ability to do. It’s often frustrating when a child lacks self-regulation when we think they are in control of themselves.

It’s very easy to be understanding when a toddler chucks a toy across the room or screams in your face, but way harder to have a gentle response when a kid over five years old does the same thing.

Yes, these skills increase as a child gets older and the neural pathways are created, but kids can be further behind than parents realize. Many times the culprit of unwanted behaviors are found in the underdevelopment of executive functions. There’s that phrase again!

My favorite is to hear my husband ask, “Why did you just do that?” He’s often answered with blank stares looking back at him. (I’ve learned to not even ask! Ha!) Because developmentally, our child really has NO CLUE why he just ran by his brother and smacked him on the back of the head. At that moment, his prefrontal cortex went offline completely out of his control.

Again, the thinker part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until someone is in his or her mid-twenties!

We also forget to look specifically at the child. With my neurodiverse kids, one is developmentally a few years ahead in academics and empathy but a few years behind in organizational and time management skills.

Our mindset of, “My child is nine years old, he should be able to do ______” can make parenting feel so hard because we have false expectations of what that child is capable of doing based on his or her brain development.

The 4 Mindsets That Can Make Parenting Easier

Yes, my responsibility is still the same. I am responsible to teach and guide my child to make good choices and be a kind, respectful, independent, competent adult.

After taking a step back, ahem, relinquishing control and shifting the way I viewed parenting, things started to feel more joyful, easier and not so draining.

Here are the four mindsets that make parenting a little easier for me:

1. It’s Okay to Take Care of MYSELF First

This one is big. If we can’t handle our own emotions or feel like we are running on empty, life, in general, is going to feel very challenging.

I know self-care is a hot topic right now, but the type of self-care I think is vitally important to make parenting easier is more inwardly focused than a pedicure or massage. Even though, those can be helpful, too.

mom and toddler doing exercise

I came up with an acronym, MYSELF which is adapted from Julie Morgenstern’s Time to Parent. It stands for:

  • Motivate myself
  • Yield to negativity
  • Sleep
  • Exercise
  • Love
  • Fun

So anytime you are feeling like parenting is extra hard, ask, “Am I taking care of MYSELF?”

I find this so important that I created this Self-Care Ebook just for you!

self care ebook

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Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF With Self Care

One last thing I wanted to mention was what I constantly talk about so I apologize if it seems like I’m preaching. It’s to..

Stop. Pray. Breathe.

Instead of constantly reacting to my kids, I now work on responding.

Sometimes this comes easy and other times, it’s imperative that I stop before heading into battle.

Another great tip is to either write down or take a mental note of how your body feels when your kids are being defiant or they are displaying big feelings.

For me, I can feel it in my chest and hands. As soon as I acknowledge that physical sensation, I have to reconnect with my mind to pause before I say a single word. Because I’ve done this so much, it’s has become more automatic.

2. Realize I’m NOT in CONTROL

As parents, we are not in control of our kids.

It may feel like we need to be or even should be, but the truth is they are in control of themselves. Instead of viewing our job as a parent as a manager, it’s more effective if we view ourselves as their consultant or even a coach.

There are four causes of stress. An easy way to remember is using the acronym, N.U.T.S.

  • Novelty – Doing something new
  • Unpredictability – Having an experience you didn’t know was going to happen
  • Threat to the Ego – Your competence is questioned
  • Sense of No Control – Having a feeling of not being in control of oneself
causes of stress

There are three types of stress, positive, tolerable and toxic. In order for kids’ to manage their stress so it doesn’t reach to the toxic level, they need an adult they can trust to help them recover and have a sense of control over their lives.

Honestly, to know that I don’t have control over every behavior or decision my child makes has taken a huge weight off my chest.

Instead of controlling what our kids do or making all the big decisions for them, it helps our kids far more when we set limits, ground rules and help our kids problem-solve.

3. Look for the ROOT of My Kids’ Behaviors

Behavior. That’s such an interesting word.

Before I developed an understanding of how a child’s brain forms, the reasons for their actions and what their basic human needs are, I saw behavior as either good or bad. And “bad behavior needed to be corrected because kids must obey their parents.”

Now, I view behavior as communication.

If your son looks at you after you just told him not to jump on the couch and he does it anyway, he is communicating something to you. When your daughter is crying and flailing on the floor and cannot get control of her emotions, she is trying to communicate something. If your son is refusing to get out of the car to go to school, he is communicating something to you.

The iceberg model visually explains how behavior works. What we see on the surface is usually only 10% of what’s really going on underneath the surface.

behavior management iceberg

Instead of constantly thinking, “My kids don’t listen, they need to stop,” I switched my thinking to “Why are they acting this way and how can I help?”

One other thing I did was adopt the mantra, “Kids Do Well If They Can” by Dr. Ross Greene. Can I tell you how many times this has gotten me through some really tough emotional meltdowns with my son? A lot!

4. Stop Taking My Kids’ Actions and Words Personally

I end with this one because it’s huge. 

We accidentally went to the Science Center on a sponsored day. It was free to get in so that meant every person and their mom (and dad and sister and grandma and great-grandma and Uncle Bob and Aunt Marge) were there! 

One of my kids has a sensitive sensory system. After all the noise, people brushing past him and the added lights and visual stimulation, his responses to our directions were… anything but kind. 

His words seemed as if they were a personal attack on us which could’ve easily made my husband and I react defensively.

The root of the disrespectful talk was overstimulation.

Speaking in a loud and rude manner was the only way my son was able to express how he was feeling at that moment. Although irritated, we restrained from yelling back. Once my son got in the quiet car and ate a protein-packed lunch, the disrespectful talk dissipated.

Oftentimes, we lose our cool because we get offended. 

Has your child ever said something to you that made you think, “Whoah, dude, back up the train! You realize I’m in charge, right? How dare you speak to me like that!” And you match the lashing out talk, rude behavior or yelling?

When we do this, we are modeling that unwanted behavior. We also aren’t attuning to what their needs are because remember, behavior is communication. 

Getting offended or taking our kids’ behavior personally isn’t helpful. 

Instead, focus on getting to that root of the behavior and connect in a way that is most helpful to your child. THEN, once he or she is calm and connected to the Thinker brain, you can take that time to talk about appropriate ways to speak if it’s even necessary. 

Don’t Poke The Lizard

Another thing that happens if we take our kids’ behaviors and words personally is that we start using a whole lot of words and do what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls, “poke the lizard.”

If your daughter is angry, that means her “reptilian” or brain stem and the limbic region is activated. When kids are in this state, they are unable to think rationally. The more you talk back or try to correct, the more you poke that lizard.

And you know what happens when you poke a lizard! Ha!

parenting boys doesn't have to be hard

Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be So Hard

I’m really hoping what has helped me will help you find joy in parenthood. Because once we realize that we don’t need to control our kids and that they are acting like crazy animals for a reason that is beyond what we can see, our own nervous systems remain calm. And when this happens, we can have rational thought about what’s really going on.

Self-control is a beautiful thing.

There are still times when I can feel my heart racing and fists clenching, but because I’m mindful about my body, I can recenter and focus on connection. 

Let me know if any of these resonate with you and where you find parenting to be the most challenging. Comment below!

Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose
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How to Take Care of MYSELF with Self Care so I Can Give More to My Family

Say it with me, “Taking care of MYSELF is not selfish.”

And one more time…

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF IS NOT SELFISH.

moms self care

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

If you would track every detail of your day, how much of it would actually be focused on only you? Whether you are a working or stay at home mom, there are people and things needing our attention and time all. day. long.

The wonderful news is that God wired our brains to be able to multitask. Scientists have used MRI imaging to discover that female brains are actually designed to carry out many tasks simultaneously. The not so good news is when we multitask all day long, often giving to everyone and thing other than ourselves, we grow tired, impatient, become less creative and we can get sad or anxious.

Simply said, we experience BURN OUT.

As moms, we need to be extra intentional so we don’t feel completely drained. We are not only moms to humans but are humans ourselves that also need to be taken care of. This is why self care is vital.

For You! By subscribing to the Raising Kids With Purpose newsletter, you will receive a free Taking Care of MYSELF eBook!

Balance Does Not Exist

It’s not healthy to only focus on ourselves. The opposite is true too. It’s not healthy to only focus on our kids and everyone else around us.

I have come to realize that balance isn’t even a real thing. At least not in the terms of everything being even. However, the attempt to try to have some kind of balance when it comes to raising kids with purpose is so important. I have found with the acronym below, I am more joyful, am able to feel accomplished and am a happier mom and wife when there is focus on both.

Mom and son playing in backyard with balls

Organizing Our Time As Moms

In Julie Morgenstern’s book, Time to Parent, she talks about giving ourselves a job description so we can have a better focus on how to manage the parenting a human/being a human balance. She came up with the acronym SELF which I have taken so much value from. After chatting with my best friend, we added two more letters making MYSELF – Motivate yourself, Yield to negativity, Sleep, Exercise, Love and relationships, and FUN!

If I focus a little more on MYSELF, I will have more energy, clarity, perspective and patience to do this whole parenting thing. I will find more joy in the day to day and in turn, be more in tune to God’s plan for my life. I’ll be able to bring the same, if not more, happiness to everyone around me.

These are not in order of importance, the acronym is a reminder to focus on what we need to get to that place of calm and joy.

The Benefits of Self Care For Moms

Psychologists say focusing on ourselves:

  1. Reboots our brains
  2. Helps us unwind
  3. Improves our concentration
  4. Makes us more productive
  5. Gives space to self-discovery
  6. Allows time for introspective thinking
  7. Helps with critical thinking and problem-solving skills
  8. Strengthens our relationships

After looking at that list, do you still feel like taking care of yourself is selfish?

Motivate Yourself

This can mean so many different things to different people. Motivating yourself applies to everyone but especially for stay at home and home school moms. If we don’t need to go anywhere, then what is the motivation to do anything other than stay in our PJs and have the TV on all day?

Here Are Some Things to Motivate Yourself to Do Self Care:

  1. Take a shower! | If you have really little ones, let them shower with you or put a seat right outside the shower. It’s amazing how much better I feel when I’m clean which results in a more productive day. 
  2. Change out of your exercise clothes or pajamas and put some makeup on | This one is a hard one for me. I love my workout clothes, but there’s a mind shift that happens when I throw on a pair of jeans or a comfy dress. I don’t wear a ton of makeup but at a minimum will put foundation and mascara on (I’m kind of obsessed with this mascara because it doesn’t run). The five to ten minutes it takes is worth every second for how much better I feel.
  3. Leave the house | Get outside for some fresh air or go surround yourself around others if you’re an extrovert like me and need social interaction.
  4. Take some time to be mindful | Mindfulness is one of those keywords that seem to be popping up everywhere. There is a reason for it. It’s a way to learn how to pay attention to what’s happening in your life. Introspectively check in with your heart, mind, and soul. Take some time to do some quiet time or read a short devotional.
  5. Get Organized | This can go with being mindful and setting intentions, but getting organized and staying organized can really bring down your stress levels. Finding a daily schedule that works for you is a great place to start.
  6. Connect with others in your same life stage | This is a great tip for all moms from working to not. Make friendships with other women with similar age children as you and similar working situation. These friends will be able to empathize with what you are going through. They will also be able to bring you hope and celebrate the wins.
  7. Drink water | Just a little bonus one I thought I’d throw in here. Your body will thank you later.
list of six motivators for self care for moms

Read Next: Simple Systems to Keep Your Home Organized and Clutter Free

Yield to Negativity

Yielding to negativity including negative thoughts reminds us to focus on the positive. The actual definition of “yield” is, “give way to arguments, demands, or pressure.” How fitting is that when it comes to motherhood?

When you yield to negativity, you can be authentic. Find your true self and love her hard. 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
― Brene Brown,The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

After that shower you just took *wink wink*, look at yourself in the mirror. This is a huge part of self care people don’t think about.

Some people like to put clothes on first. But whatever floats your boat! Be comfortable in the skin you’re in! Whichever you choose, stare at the person you were designed to be. Think about your strengths and all the positives you possess so you can choose joy for the day. Weed out those negative thoughts.

woman looking in mirror part of self care

Did you know positive thinking can actually change the chemicals in your brain?

When you have a thought, chemicals are released. Happy thoughts produce serotonin and dopamine which makes people feel happy, calm and pleased. Whereas negative thoughts produce cortisol, the stress hormone, so I’m sure you know how those affect the brain (source).

If we don’t “yield to the negative,” energy is taken away from the prefrontal cortex resulting in lower brain performance. Negative thoughts also decrease activity in the cerebellum, which is in charge of voluntary movements, working relationships, and motor learning.

Getting rid of negativity, I am a much calmer and happier mom, wife and friend.

Sleep

We know that if we don’t sleep, we are tired. Duh! Like on those shirts you see people wearing, “Tired as a Mother.” The less sleep we get, the more time it takes to get things done. And who has more time in the day? Not I said the fly busy mama.

Research of the cognitive neuroscience of sleep has found that each of the sleep states is linked to important learning and memory processes and creativity. While we sleep, we practice what we learned for that day [source]. We jam so much into our brains all day. There’s not a whole lot to show for it if we don’t get enough red eye.

According to Healthfinder.gov sleep keeps us healthy. We should focus on the quality of sleep we get in addition to the amount of time on a consistent schedule. That is something I need to work on. I’m infamous for getting six hours of sleep for 3-4 nights then 9-10 hours when my body decides it can’t take it anymore!

In this post, I unpack all the different sleep types called chronotypes: Transform Your Morning Routine

woman sleeping with eye mask

The benefits of sleep:

  • Sleep keeps you healthy and helps keep away sickness.
  • It helps you stay at a healthy weight.
  • Your risk for serious long term health problems is reduced.
  • The amount of stress you endure can be lessened and sleep can make you more JOYFUL!
  • Your creativity can flourish when your brain gets enough rest to recharge.
  • It can aid in social settings helping you have more patience and in turn, get along better with people (and your kids).
  • Sleep can help you make good decisions and not be as impulsive.
exercise equipment

Exercise

My body and my brain love to move. In fact, when they don’t, I’m not very fun to be around. I’m sad, don’t have patience, start to have self-harming thoughts and climb into my little turtle shell. It’s really bad. Not everyone is like this, but we know that moving our bodies benefits everyone.

Incorporating physical activity into your day is similar to the benefits of sleep as it’s good for your health in a multitude of ways, helps you get that vital quality sleep, is a happifier (totally my fictitious word, but I know you get me!) and a de-stressor.

mom and toddler doing exercise

The benefits of Exercise and How Beneficial It Is To Our Brains

Exercise is also incredibly beneficial for our brains! It has positive effects on brain function from the molecular to behavioral level. This is what exercise does to the incredible organ in our noggin:

  • Exercise facilitates information processing and memory functions. There is also an increased amount of cell growth in the hippocampus which is the part of the brain that is responsible for learning and remembering things. Learn more in the study published in the US National Library of Medicine. 
  • When we exercise, our heart rate increases resulting in more oxygen being pumped to the brain.
  • Exercise helps the body release hormones which provide a nourishing environment for brain cell growth.
    A study from UCLA shows that physical activity stimulates brain plasticity (the ability of the brain to change its connections or re-wire itself) by triggering the growth of new connections between cells in important parts of the brain. Exercise makes it easier for the brain to grow new neural pathways.
  • We get a jolt of happy energy. The reason is that when we work out hard, our stress hormones actually drop. Scientists have found that while people experience exercise euphoria, their brains are exposed to excessive amounts of drug-like opioids (found in this article on Very Well Mind).

Exercise Motivators

It’s hard to get motivated to exercise mainly because of the time it takes. Here are some quick and easy things to do that will hopefully help you gain all the benefits of moving our bodies above:

  • Schedule it | Write it down on a planner or put it on your phone calendar. Do your best to work it into your schedule.
  • Make realistic goals | Goals are great but keep them realistic. Start out easy then work up to bigger goals.
  • Track your workouts | There are so many apps out on the market that make it incredibly easy to track your exercise.
  • Find a tribe | Find others you can work out with or who will keep you accountable. It’s harder not to show up when someone else is counting on you.
  • Reward yourself | What about a spa day, a yummy protein drink or a special day out with a girlfriend? If extrinsic motivators work for you, then go for it!
  • Do something FUN! | As much as I know weightlifting is beneficial to our bodies, I just can’t do it because I don’t find it fun. I might do a little here and there, but I rather go to a crazy group fitness class or find workouts to do on huge boulders in the mountains. Find what you enjoy doing!

infographic on exercise motivation

Love (and relationships)

As humans, we need to love and be loved. Putting effort into our relationships with our spouses and our friends takes work that is more than worth it. To build strong relationships we need to develop empathy, positivity for each other and build a strong emotional connection.

According to Harvard Medical School, “Good connections can help improve health and longevity.”

The Benefits of Relationships

These are the benefits of having healthy relationships and focusing on having a little more love in your life. This is still a form of self-care even though it involves others.

  1. Having close friendships and a good marriage make you feel supported.
  2. Healthy relationships give us pleasure.
  3. Research has shown that people who have gratifying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems and live longer!
  4. On the contrary, when we don’t invest in relationships, we tend to become more depressed and experience a faster cognitive decline.
  5. Loving relationships relieve stress which we should know by now that increases our overall health.
  6. The benefits affect both parties – the receiver and the giver and vice versa.
  7. Cultivating healthy relationships ultimately brings us joy.

*and find a friend who will pretend to be doing self-care with you in the kitchen (how gorgeous is her kitchen?!) holding a coffee mug even though she doesn’t drink coffee and apparently doesn’t know how to hold say coffee mug, either.

Fun

We can’t forget to bring on the fun. It has all the same benefits as above. Find what you are passionate about and gifted in doing. It can be an organized activity or literally just dancing around in your kitchen!

Participate in a monthly painting class, go on a hike (another favorite of mine!), draw, dance, include your kids with a super fun activity like whipping each other with balls (note: it was fun, but really hurt so do with caution), or do anything that makes you belly laugh and enjoy life.

The Benefits of Having Fun

Of course, there are benefits to having fun! Most all hit on the same exact things as everything listed above. These are found on Heel That Pain:

  1. Your stress gets lessened! | Man, after doing all these things, your stress levels should be packing up and heading off to Hawaii! Ha!
  2. Serotonin levels are increased | This chemical is the one that regulates basic processes – mood, sleep, memory, and body temperature.
  3. The ability to cope better | BINGO! Exactly what we’re trying to accomplish by focusing on “MYSELF”. Having fun can help you tap into your calm zone.
  4. More energy | Spending time doing activities you enjoy helps you feel less tired and more mentally awake.
  5. Improves Memory and Concentration | Having fun reduces cortisol and increases serotonin helps with the memory and clears your mind.
  6. Creates stronger connections | I can tell you that posing for a picture using a remote and tripod brought so much joy and laughter connecting me to my dear friend even more than we already were. Our brains got in sync with each other bringing us both so much joy. We need social connection and that bond is stronger when there are laughter and fun involved.
  7. More quality sleep | Because your stress levels are decreased, your body can sleep better.
  8. Creates more positive patterns in your day to day | Once you get in the habit of having fun, it becomes a continuous cycle of joy.

Now if that isn’t self care, I don’t know what is!

Free Mini eBook

Because I’m so passionate about helping other mamas making sure they’re getting the self AND soul care they need, I created a little book. Fill out the form below to have it sent to your email!

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Ebook on Self Care for Moms

How are you focusing on “MYSELF”? 

I really hope this acronym and post helps you find more joy in your everyday life.

If things start to feel out of wack or you feel down, think about what is missing from your “MYSELF” and give that area a little TLC.  I’d love to hear what you do to help keep the balance of being a human and raising humans.

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Originally published Dec 1, 2018, and updated July 13, 2019

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Simple Systems to Keep Your Home Organized and Clutter Free

Whenever there is stuff all over my house, I feel paralyzed. My mind only sees clutter and to-do lists and time suckers.

A few years ago I remember talking to a friend about organizing. I told her it appeared that my house was clean, but not to open any cabinet or drawer.

Eeeek! It was so bad.

boy holding timer for organizational systems

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Since then, I found a way I could go into a room and not ugly cry. Instead, my house stays clutter-free and it’s fabulous. It takes being intentional, but with systems and routines in place, it has been easy to keep up.

The only area in our house that needs to be managed better is the playroom. My suggestion to the kids was to get rid of all the toys. That didn’t go over so well, but I tried.

Imperative Systems

In order to stay on top of things and make your home feel decluttered and organized, you need to have systems. Period. Some take time to set up and others are quick and easy.

the laundry room, get all the good dirt here
This was in our laundry room when we moved in. I’m not sure why, but it makes me smile.

Laundry Systems

First on the list is the “L” word! It’s one of those things that never ever ever EVER stop. When I was in a super busy phase of life I began to neglect laundry altogether. I think I did it once a month taking me HOURS. Who am I kidding? DAYS to complete. It was suffocating.

Now, we use a super simple system of sorting the clothes by which room they go to. When that bin gets full, it gets washed, dried, and put away all in the same day. Or at least, that is the goal.

Here are some great laundry systems that may help you:

  1. Sort by room or kid. | Do it when it’s full and have the person whose clothes they belong to put them away!
  2. Assign each day of the week to each person in the family. | You can even get creative and name it like “Molly Monday” (if you have a Molly!)
  3. Have a three-day laundry system. | Wash everything the first day, fold it all the second, and put it away on the third.
  4. Have a single laundry day. | Pick a day of the way where you do all the laundry AND put it away all in the same day. This is what we used to do. It did work well but the new system takes less time since we only have to go into one room to put the clothes away.
  5. Wash a load every day. | The key to this working is to throw the load in before you go to sleep then switch to the dryer as soon as you wake up. Put it all away before your day gets started. If not, it usually will start to pile up.
declutter for families

Bonus!!! Grab your free monthly inspection checklist when subscribing to the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter so you can keep your house decluttered!

declutter checklist

Daily Clean Sweep

This one is life-changing.

I’m not even kidding.

It allows for a fresh start every day with no clutter. Read: toys, clothes, shoes, books and whatever other random things our kids leave around the house.

Every night as part of your evening routine, give everyone a basket, crate, bin or even a wagon to walk around and grab all things that aren’t where they should be. Something with wheels can work great, too!

Read more: Routines for Kids: Why & How They Work

Then, all those items get put away in their “home” (my next tip!). If it’s been a long night, it’s okay if everything doesn’t get put away, but at least it’s not all over the house.

declutter and organization tips

When you keep up on this, it’s amazing how quickly it goes. And you can make it into a game by setting a timer, let your kids toss unbreakable items from a far distance or allow them to push each other around in a basket.

Everything Must Have a Home

I constantly find myself asking, “Where is that ____________’s home?”

If something comes into the house and it does not have a “home”, then it’s home becomes the garbage or gets donated. This goes for paper and mail, too. If you don’t have a home for it and you won’t need it in the future, get rid of it!

junk drawer

“Homes” that work well for our stuff:

Because I love to organize, most of our bins are labeled and micro-organized by color or size. You don’t need to go that far. You (and your kids!) just need to know where everything goes.

The Dollar Store and IKEA are both amazing places to get very inexpensive organizational tools.

Your bins don’t need to be pretty to function. Our pantry has a bunch of Dollar Tree bins because they were um, $1! We also have bins from Ikea and Michaels to add a little style!

organized pantry

And if you are putting something away, make sure it goes in its actual home, don’t just throw it in a drawer as we did for years then couldn’t find anything! Make sure it goes in the spot you reserved for it.

The more you keep up on this, the less time you have to go back and clean later. And it’ll cut down on the need to buy more of something because you can actually locate it.

No More Tchatchkes! (Cha-Skies)

Another phrase that rattles in my brain to help keep the clutter at a minimum, “No more Tchatchkes!”

A friend of mine introduced me to this word. and I love it. Seriously, say it a few times.

So much fun, right?!

It’s Yiddish for junk, trinkets, little toys or basically what I call crap. Ha! I apologize for the language but there’s no other way to properly describe it.

brothers throwing garbage away

Tchatchkes that need to be tossed:

  • Treasure Box or Goody Bag Toys | Can we please talk about this? I get it. Our teachers are doing their best job to manage their classrooms and our kids LOVE getting to go to the treasure box. It’s so sweet of their teachers to reward them. And our kids love getting little surprises at birthday parties. If it’s not practical like a pencil, bookmark, book or something they will actually use and gain value from, it doesn’t stay in our house.
  • Fast Food Toys | These fall in the same category as the toys above. You can donate them to the treasure box at school. HA HA!
  • Swag | How many stress balls, koozies and drawstring bags can one family really use? Again, if it’s something that won’t get used or provides value, it has to go.

Great Idea Alert! A way to allow your kids to play with new and fun toys that don’t stay in your house is to rent some from ToyLibrary!

It’s genius! You order used (and disinfected) toys, then when you’re done, you send them back. This way you don’t have to find a home for them.

After Dinner Clean Up Dance Party

This one is something we are trying hard to instill in our kids. We got the “clear off your plate and put it in the sink” down but getting the kitchen cleaned is taking some work.

If done right, it should only take 10 maybe 15 minutes.

Our Echo plays some rockin’ 80’s music, everyone is required to put away or clean at least 2 or 3 things as we dance. When the kitchen gets done AS SOON AS dinner is complete, nothing piles up and it feels so good.

I follow a blogger who even has a Disco Ball in their kitchen and another with a fun bell the kids get to ring when finished. Whatever it takes!

keep home organized using systems infographic

The Daily Goal

In implementing all these systems, the goal is to have the house clutter-free and cleaned up every single night to start each day fresh!

This doesn’t happen all the time. Part of the reason is….life. Sports, rehearsals and busy schedules get in the way. But when you really break it all down while staying consistent, it saves you so much time in the long run. And can I just say it feels good?! Clean spaces are where it’s at!

Here are a few tips that really help me:

  1. If you think about it, do it! Just do it, you’ll thank yourself later.
  2. Set a timer. Some nights when the kitchen doesn’t get done after dinner, I look around and just want to go lay in bed. But instead, I’ll set a timer for 5-10 minutes to see what can get done. More times than not, it gets done in that time. And if it doesn’t, I’m already cleaning so I might as well finish. We LOVE these timers!
  3. Don’t pass something up that’s not in it’s home. If the kids are still going to be playing with something, I’ll leave it, but other than that I don’t let anything just sit there. It needs to go to it’s HOME!
  4. Get my kids to help! This is a no-brainer except if I’m trying to get rid of toys. Ha!

Read Next: 4 Easy Steps For Teaching Life Skills to Kids

boy holding timer

Getting Started

Okay, so if you’re sitting there thinking, “Oooh, I can use that system and that would work well for us. I’m not sure about that but we can try….WHO AM I KIDDING? AHHHH MY HOUSE IS A MESS WITH NO SYSTEMS, IT’S TOO OVERWHELMING. I’m just going to shut every door in my house and go eat Bon Bons.”

You know, that overwhelming feeling of not even knowing where to start?

I have good news. It doesn’t have to happen overnight. It has taken me years to get good systems in place and feel like my house is semi-decluttered.

Having older kids also helps this because they are far more capable of pitching in now than when they were toddlers.

timer for systems

So if you’re in the weeds, hang tight, it gets better.

How To Start Decluttering

Decluttering your house when you have kids can feel daunting and overwhelming. All you have to do is commit to a few minutes every day which will sometimes turn into hours. Here are other tips that have really helped me:

Visualize how you want your home to look

Set goals for each space in your home.

Do a Deep Organize

This is like a deep clean, but instead only getting rid of stuff, make sure every area is organized.

Focus on one room at a time

I started at one end of my house, went through every cabinet, closet, area that had stuff, and made sure there were homes for everything. Bring along a big garbage bag and don’t be afraid to toss!

Set a timer for 20-minute chunks

I’ve been doing this for the playroom. It gets me started then I work on it for a little longer than that.

Ask yourself imperative questions

You can google how to get organized and will find so many tips, tricks, and scripts to tell yourself. Some professionals have you ask yourself if that item brings you joy. Another question I often use is, “Have I used this in the past year?”

Teach one system at a time

In converting your kids to becoming declutterers, explain how they can be involved, and focus on one system at a time. Create habits!

Think about every item that you bring into your house

Before buying another coloring book or toy, think about where it will go, what can you replace it with, or if it really is something that will bring joy or value. And it’s best to not bring ANYTHING else into your house until your decluttering process is complete.

Get inspired!

Every time I go to two particular friends’ houses, I always come home wanting to throw everything away! Their houses are completely free of clutter and feel so refreshing which does inspire me to do the same. *Thanks, friends!

The After Effects

When you look at a space where there once was a lot of stuff, you’ll think, “Wow! That’s so nice to see the countertop again.” Or at least for me, I have happy thoughts instead of little gremlins yelling in my head.

And it can be addicting! Once you get rid of the clutter, your mind can be freed to think and do other things.

Room by room, space by space, if done with intention and keep systems in place, it will be more manageable. And don’t forget to include the kiddos!

Bonus! Monthly Inspection Checklist

I created a monthly inspection checklist that you can laminate and use over and over again. There are two lists. One has suggested rooms to inspect and the other is blank so you can fill it out.

I keep this on my fridge so I can make sure all the rooms in my house get cleaned and stay decluttered.

declutter checklist cleaning
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What Systems Do You Use?

I want to know! What am I missing? What other systems could we be using to maintain a clutter-free home? Comment below!

Originally published on 02/18/19; updated 06/23/20

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