Emotions Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Raising Kids With Purpose

July 13, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 65 Comments

The Scary Truth About Sending Kids Back to School & What Experts Say to Do

Inside: Parents are at such a crossroads with what to do with their children’s education. Sending kids back to school can feel scary. I interviewed experts from The Childhood Collective on ways we can help our concerns and move forward in a healthy way. And don’t forget to download your Emergency Emotional Toolbox.

My mom-friend recently sent me the document she got from her children’s school outlining how the school will function when it reopens the doors. Her text to me said, “This feels like prison.”

She’s not the only one who feels this way.

In the past month or so, I don’t think I’ve gone a day without seeing or hearing parents posing questions about whether or not to send their kids back to school or whether or not schools are going to reopen. Many of these parents are really contemplating keeping their kids home regardless if they work or not.

This is a hot topic because education matters. Our kids’ social and emotional development matters. How we interact in this world and what we learn matters. How we overcome adversity and scary times matters not only for the time being but for our future; for our kids’ development and for their future well-being.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Parents’ Concerns About Kids Returning to School

I posed the question, “What is your biggest concern about kids returning to school when schools reopen?” on my personal Facebook page as well as a Facebook group I’m in. I got an overwhelming amount of insightful responses.

Here are some of the comments I received from moms:

“Wearing masks all day and our kids not getting the exercise they need by being stuck in the same room all day at a desk. Our kids even have to eat lunch in the room. The cafeteria staff will be bringing the food to them. Will they even get bathroom breaks or will those be limited too?” Danielle Phelps, Holistic Life & Business Coach

“So many questions about what the school year will look like – concerns about the schedule, it then changing, mandatory masks, mandatory temperature checks, social distancing what that would look like, no specials (we pay for his education to be above and beyond so what are we paying for if he doesn’t get what we originally “signed up for”), mandatory va-x — all of which we could navigate one by one, but as a whole, I think this year is so unstable from ‘what to expect'” Heather Shriver Burns, Mindset and Business Strategist

“Consistency. Having the district decide on a plan, then having to change it because of a rise in cases. Also not going back full time. Our district is considering a plan where they go one or a few days a week…my kids cannot handle the constant transition.” Connie S. Hurlburt, Online Health & Wellness Coach and Digital Media Marketing Strategist

“…Concerned about mental health for everyone, kids, teachers, families. This is still real and affecting everyone. Will everyone be anxious? Will kids be stressed? Acting out more in class? Will the environment be as good for learning as it was before this happened? Or is staying home better, for now, to be with family? Many of the staff, teachers even could be very anxious, scared, could even have lost family members or have had personal experiences with the virus. That’s a lot to go through and expect to go back to work like usual.” ~Amy, RN working with COVID patients

“The use of face masks and the physical distance as that’ll affect teaching and their [the children’s] sense of self.” Zoia, Natural Nutrition Health Coach

“The stress and chaos have me the most worried. I will be keeping kids home because of this more than my health concerns.” Jasmine Holdren

“I hate the idea of mandatory masks…and temperature checks and social distancing and anything else that will give young children anxiety. My son has fought a battle with chronic strep throat a few years back. I saw many doctors, shed a lot of tears, and spent a ton of money getting his immune system back on track. We now see an amazing chiropractor and he takes daily supplements and hasn’t had it since but…I refuse to start at square one again. I keep reading that strep is on the rise from wearing masks due to bacteria growth inside the mask. I just can’t fathom making him wear a mask…it gives me anxiety. My question is what if a child passes out from wearing a mask at school? And honestly how effective will they be? What if some kids parents never wash them or don’t provide clean ones? What if the kids touch them all day? 🤷🏻‍♀️” Echo Muncie, Former Preschool/Daycare Co-Director

“That my oldest child’s anxiety is going to go through the roof.” Jenn Paterson

Teachers’ Concerns About These Uncertain Times

With so many concerns about teachers, I reached out to a friend, Amanda Kortright, who is a school improvement consultant/coach. She wrote this post on Facebook, “You know what would be neat? If an article said, ‘Here’s what experts say schools should look like next year.’ And then those experts that they went on to quote WERE TEACHERS. Teachers. Teachers are experts on school.”

I couldn’t write this post about sending kids back to school without including what teachers’ concerns are as well. Amanda does a great job at summarizing what she has seen in the education communities.

Amanda writes:

“Every teacher I have spoken with is worried about their students and the learning gaps that have and that will widen. The abrupt end to the year caused havoc to their systems of delivering instruction and to student achievement growth.

They are all busy this summer (no extra pay, of course) trying to figure out how to assess the kids and catch them up! All are worried about the most disadvantaged, obviously. Some kiddos get their only hug or meal of the day at school.

Some want to go back face-to-face because they haven’t had any training in how to deliver instruction virtually. Despite the fact that there are record numbers of teachers spending their own time online in training on how to do so, they don’t even know if they’ll be delivering the content remotely or in-person because no one in government can make up their mind.

And don’t get me started on the two days on/three days off “blended” learning plans. Teachers are not being included in the conversation unless they have an awesome superintendent who wants to hear from them. How do they plan on teachers delivering instruction if they don’t know whether or not it’ll be on Zoom/Google Meets or in person?

And if teachers and students are in the classroom, that forces a whole new method of delivering instruction because of all of the regulations/rules.

Here are a few questions to ponder, ‘How do teachers teach reading when kids can’t see their mouths because of having to wear a mask? How does a teacher put 30 first graders in a small classroom and keep them 6 feet apart? How do they give the kids recess or gym class and keep them from spreading the virus?’

And I’ve seen some districts that cancelled recess altogether; a teacher’s worst nightmare.

Since masks mute voices, many teachers are also buying (with their own money) sound projection mic systems. Others are purchasing the mics that will record their voices to live feeds because their districts have ordered them to deliver instruction to kids who are sick at home, whose parents aren’t comfortable, or who have immunity issues. All of this is expected with no technology training.

Some teachers are terrified for their lives. New York City Schools stayed open one week longer than most other districts in the spring. They were worried about sending the most disadvantaged home to abusive households, homes with no food, etc. (Educators get sick to their stomachs in June for some of their kiddos for the same reason.) NYCSD lost 68 teachers/staff/lunch ladies/bus drivers/principals as a result because they died in March/April from COVID.

Some can’t bear the thought of homeschooling their own kids while delivering online instruction.

Some are worried they will bring COVID home to their own families – grandparents, immune-compromised kids, etc. They are praying for online instruction.

Some believe it’s a hoax and no worse than the flu. But they do know they get strep throat, colds, the flu 2-3 times a year because schools are cesspools of germs.

Bottom line: Teachers MUST be included in the conversation. Many teachers are feeling left out. This is not new. Only the wisest administrators/community leaders/politicians bring teachers to the table for education talks. And politicians (on both sides) typically bring in business people to decide on big issues – like state learning standards and testing. Lastly, teachers absolutely don’t make enough money for what their jobs require and compared to other professions that require the same higher education and licensure requirements.

From what I see and hear, most teachers have the safety and learning of their students on their minds and hearts.”

Parents And Teachers Are Worried

Only days after I was seeking out answers on this topic, it really started to explode all over Facebook. Parents and teachers alike are worried and many are fearful for a myriad of reasons.

After reading through hundreds of other posts, this is what I’m seeing that parents are most concerned about:

Kids getting sick, dying or spreading it to at-risk populations.
Schools not reopening at all; or on the flip side, that schools will open.
The social and emotional health of our young kids because of social isolation, mask-wearing, lack of play and recess, being stuck in the same room all day, no bathroom breaks, not being able to see facial expressions, not being able to make new friends, and a break in connection between teacher and child.
Being able to survive at home because of feeling like in-person school is not an option.
Disruption to schedules and routines.
No real learning will take place or kids will continue to fall behind.
The teachers’ mental and physical health or that teachers will quit.
Kids being able to social distance and how that will be enforced.
The chemicals they will use to clean and the carbon dioxide inhaled all day in a mask.
Special needs being met or educational issues with kids with IEP or 504 plans.
Parents’ own anxieties and fears about all the changes.
Kids who rely on schools for their well-being.

The Scary Truth

The scary truth about sending kids back to school is the uncertainty.

No one knows what is going to happen nor do we know the implications our decisions are going to have on our kids’ overall development or how it will affect our precious teachers.

The plans and rules are constantly changing.

Every time an email comes through from the school, parents hold their breath to see what new restrictions or rules are being proposed. In-person school start dates in some states are already getting pushed back and some schools are planning on starting virtually then moving to in-person when they are given the permission to do so.

There is no concrete plan nor can there be. This is not a situation where a one-size-fits-all approach will work. There is going to be trial and error and hopefully it’s not at the cost of our kids’ and teachers’ emotional and/or physical health.

Another scary truth about sending kids back to school is that we don’t know what the residual effects of social isolation, mask wearing, increased level of anxiety, and abrupt changes are going to have. How are these changes going to affect the future?

What Can Parents Do?

I keep seeing concerns but not much about what we should be doing.

For a better insight into what we can do, I interviewed mental health experts with The Childhood Collective. Their online parenting site (and amazing Instagram feed) is run by two psychologists and a speech-language pathologist. I wanted to get their professional insight on…

What can we do to help our kids come out on the other side of this pandemic as resilient, gritty, and emotionally strong individuals?!

You will see I categorized the questions so you can scroll down and find the information that will be most helpful for you and your family. All the italicized questions are what I asked the experts at The Childhood Collective and the information provided is all written by them.

Lastly, I wasn’t planning on making a printable, but I just wanted to have something you could print, hold, and use to write down your feelings to help you overcome these challenging times as a parent who cares deeply about your children. I named it The Emergency Emotional Toolbox so you can have some very practical tools to use.

Download: If you need something to help you walk your child through this time, download The Emergency Emotional Toolbox. It’s a quick little worksheet that helps you get your feelings out and gives you reminders on how to be your child’s emotion coach.

Disclaimer: The responses provided are opinions of The Childhood Collective unless otherwise noted. The information provided is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any type of medical condition and is not intended as personalized medical or psychological advice. Any decision you make regarding you and your family’s health and medical treatments should be made with a qualified healthcare provider.

Communicating With Kids About Going Back to School and All of The Changes

How should parents talk to kids about all the upcoming changes? Are there phrases to avoid or does it depend on the child?

HOW To Communicate To Kids

Anytime we are sharing important information with children, we want to consider that what we are saying is just as important as how we are saying it. Children are amazingly in-tune with us… often more than we realize!

If our stress, frustration, worry, or discomfort with the upcoming changes moves our conversations from factual to emotional, our children will respond accordingly. So, first and foremost, we must talk with our children about these changes when we are in an emotional state that allows us to convey the information in the most accurate way possible.

This is not to say that we can’t acknowledge the challenges of the present situation (indeed, we must in order to validate their experiences and feelings!), but we must take care to ensure that our message isn’t lost in translation because of the way it is delivered.

Yes, this is often easier said than done!

What To Communicate to Kids

When it comes to the content of this conversation, keep it factual and developmentally appropriate.

Help your child get a picture of what a typical day in the classroom or at home may look like, and supplement with developmentally-appropriate details about why it will look like this. Do your best to convey confidence and reassurance that the adults are doing their best to keep kids healthy and happy through these tough times.

Finally, once you’ve talked through these changes with your child, provide the space for questions.

Many times, what we anticipate will be an issue is not a concern for our child. Similarly, we may not anticipate certain questions or concerns that they have. Providing a space or “check-in time” regularly as the time approaches to return to school (whether physically or through distance learning), is just as important as your initial conversation.

Emotional Concerns

How do we help kids recover emotionally?

Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach

As the pandemic wears on, you’re not alone if you are seeing big emotions bubbling over in your child. The most important thing to keep in mind is that all feelings are allowed.

One of the ways you can best support your child emotionally during these times is to be an emotion coach for them. This entails allowing all feelings (though not all behaviors are acceptable), labeling and validating the feelings you observe, listening to hear rather than respond, and providing a safe space for your child to problem-solve.

To provide an example, you may be tempted to say something like, “I’ve already told you, you can’t see your friends! It’s not safe. I don’t want to keep repeating myself!” This statement shuts down the emotion. Your child may stop talking to you about it, but that doesn’t mean the underlying emotion goes away.

A more helpful, emotion coaching alternative would be, “You seem upset. It’s hard when you can’t see friends the same way you used to. I miss my friends, too. Even if we can’t see friends in person, I’m wondering if you have an idea about how we can make this all a little bit easier?” With this statement, you are labeling and validating their feelings. You are holding the same boundary (which, in this case, is not being able to see friends in person), but you are opening the door to problem-solving rather than shutting your child down.

Fostering Resilience

How do we help our kids become resilient during this time instead of emotionally damaged?

Emotion Coaching and Finding Passion-Igniting Activities

Emotion coaching, again, is a great way to foster resilience. It empowers children to manage their tough feelings and engage in helpful problem-solving.

Another great way to foster resilience during this time is to find activities that excite and ignite your child’s passion. Time that used to be invested elsewhere (sports, carpools, outings, etc.) can now be poured into other things that build your child up.

Encourage them to pick-up that hobby that has been on the back-burner or go “all-in” with something they already love. Doing something you love, and doing it well, is a great way to build resilience and protect emotional well-being.

finding children's interests and passions

Choosing the Best Schooling Option

What are some considerations to take when deciding to 1.) send kids to school 2.) keep them at home for homeschool 3.) do online distance learning?

Do What Will Work Best for You and Your Child

This is where I encourage parents with the… “You know your child best.”

The fact of the matter is that, right now, there is no perfect answer. There probably won’t ever be.

You must consider your child’s personality, temperament, skill level, etc. You must also consider your personality, interest level, and availability! This is a situation where it may actually be helpful to write down your options, consider the advantages and disadvantages of each, and proceed with confidence knowing there is no perfect answer.

Try to find a good enough answer based on your family’s circumstances.

Handling Change and Transition

How to help kids with constant change and transitions? How do we help kids with transition especially those who are neurodiverse and already may face more challenges?

Reframe, Hold Constant and Have Open Conversations

How does that saying go? Something like… “The only constant in life is change.”

I like to reframe all of these changes as an opportunity rather than a detriment.

Our kids are learning how to adapt and manage changes. Some will do this better than others, but we as parents have the capacity to help them weather this storm.

My first piece of advice would be to hold constant as much as possible. Have open conversations with your kids about how things are changing and that you’re here to help them. But also point out how much hasn’t changed.

Keep essential routines firm, like bedtime, mealtimes, and mornings together.

When change is inevitable, do your best to prepare your child by doing some pre-teaching. This may include talking about what to expect, talking through possible scenarios, and role-playing if your child needs that level of support. Oh, and can I circle back again to the importance of being an emotion coach? That, too, will help during times of inevitable change.

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Benefits of Keeping Kids In School (If Schools Reopen)

What are the benefits of keeping kids in school even if there are going to be so many changes like mandatory mask-wearing, no specials, no recess, strict social distancing rules, etc? Or do you think it’s better for parents to homeschool if they have the means to do?

Attune To Your Child’s Needs

Again, this is very family specific.

At the time that I am writing this, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has actually urged for the goal of children returning to in-person schooling, citing the academic, social, and emotional well-being of children. EDITED: The AAP came out with a new statement urging for a safe return stating, “Public health agencies must make recommendations based on evidence, not politics.”

There are children that are greatly feeling the effects of social isolation, experiencing abuse in the home, and reporting increased symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation. These are all important things to consider when making the best decision for your family.

It’s hard to say what exactly the in-person school day will look like; these are very district-specific things. So, again, I urge families to stay as up-to-date as much as possible with their district’s plans in order to make a decision that sits well with their family.

Coping Skills For Kids

What are coping skills parents should be focusing on teaching their kids? Do you have resources for this?

Self-Calming and Relaxation Strategies

The importance of self-calming and relaxation strategies cannot be understated. These are some of the most overlooked life skills that come in handy on a daily basis.

We have a free Relaxation for Kids guide for families that provides different relaxation strategies for kids of all ages, including deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and guided imagery.

There are some great online resources for guided imagery and relaxation. A quick Google search for relaxation tools/apps will reveal tons of options! Some apps for kids include Calm, Smiling Minds, and Headspace.

I would also recommend that families talk with their kids about other helpful coping strategies, such as physical movement, mindfulness, and connecting with friends. Depending on your child’s age, you may even make a “menu” of coping skill options to help in stressful times and remind your child that there are tools at their fingertips.

Psssst: Check out Generation Mindful’s amazing tools! They have a game called Peacemakers that builds emotional IQ, a Time-In Toolkit, a plush toy collection called SnuggleBuddies, and an Online Positive Parenting class that all focus on teaching emotional health and coping skills to kids. Should we be concerned about kids not being able to see facial expressions? If so, what can parents do to help kids adapt or gain social skills?

Mask-Wearing Effects on Social-Emotional Health

What effects do you think mask-wearing will have on emotional health? Not being able to see facial expressions, be able to hear as well, etc?

Use Books or Other Tools and Practice

It’s really hard to predict how this will play out for our children.

However, keep in mind there are some countries with residents that regularly wear masks due to air quality (granted, not usually in the classroom).

Encourage your children to notice how people communicate what they are feeling outside of what their mouth does, including other facial cues, gestures, words spoken, and tone of voice.

If your child is in need of extra support, foster social and emotional understanding with books and educational shows. Make the experience interactive by making observations and asking questions (though be careful not to overdo it here!).

Make sure to allow time to practice wearing a mask before having to wear it at school all day. Your child will likely feel more confident and comfortable interacting with others in a mask if they have had time to adapt to it at home first.

Signs of Anxiety or Depression

What are signs parents should look for that their child is experiencing too much stress or if it’s turning into anxiety or depression? When should a parent seek professional help?

What to Look For

I always encourage parents to err on the side of seeking help if they think their child may need extra support.

You may consider seeking professional help if you notice:

changes to your child’s sleeping or eating habits
your child seems more fearful
your child is more tearful or emotional; your child frequently complains of physical pain/symptoms with no clear cause
they express to you thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideation
they spend more time in isolation
they stop finding pleasure in things they once enjoyed.

Again, parents, you know your child best. If something seems “off” or you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it may be time to seek a professional opinion. Many psychologists, therapists, and counselors are offering telehealth services from the comfort of your own home. If you’re ready to take that next step, we have a blog with tips about finding the right counselor for your child.

Thank you to The Childhood Collective for these incredible tips!

Additional Concerns

Do you have any concerns that weren’t covered? Comment below and I’ll try to do a follow-up post to address those.

And don’t forget to download the Emergency Emotional Toolbox to write out your thoughts and feelings to help walk your children through this time.

If have decided or are considering keeping your kids home for their education, check out 7 Practical Tips for Homeschooling and Working Full Time. Also included is a course that can really help working parents maintain sanity and emotional health for their whole family. It’s called “Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.” Enter the PROMO code: THRIVE25 for 25% off! We are going to have to make changes to make it through this thing without detrimental emotional scars. Thank goodness we were created to be resilient (with the right tools)!

And if you’re looking for online educational resources, download my free Master Home Education Resources eBook. It’s loaded with over 200 resources!

Encourage More Parents!

As I mentioned this is a very popular topic as I see constant posts and comments about parents’ concerns and worries in regards to sending their kids back to school. As they should be!

These tips that The Childhood Collective have provided can really help a lot of people but will only be seen if you share. Share in parent groups you’re in, with your school groups, or any other social media channel. Thank you so much!!!

June 9, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 16 Comments

10 Ways To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Inside: Being silent does not raise children who value all people and races, instead it can encourage racism. Here are 10 ways to encourage parents to avoid raising racist kids.

Growing up with friends from different races and cultures, I was ignorant about the adversity they had to face. It wasn’t until my first college English Writing class that my eyes opened a bit more.

One of the topics of discussion we had towards the beginning of the semester was racism. The class was predominantly filled with white students. A (white) girl who raised her hand ignorantly said something along the lines of, “The first time I saw a black person, I didn’t know what to do.”

My face immediately felt hot with anger and my heart filled with sadness. I typically run away from controversy but at this moment, I was overcome with a feeling of wanting to jump over her desk and shake her. I couldn’t sit there listening to her ramble about how unsafe she felt although the person was just walking down the street.

I spoke up and asked, “What in the world do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What if I walked in here with a paper bag on my head and you couldn’t tell what my skin looked like? Would you be scared?”

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I was so confused.

It made absolutely no sense to me why one person would be judged so harshly only because of what they looked like or who their ancestors were.

I was confused but also so naive. And I was ignorant for not realizing what this country was founded on. My knowledge was only based on what I learned in school, which hasn’t been the whole truth, right? I was never shaken to the core with the truth.

Although I had these feelings of wanting to stand up for my fellow human beings of different races, I really didn’t know how to. I was taught to be kind to all people but didn’t know a lot about racism or how to fight against it.

Now that I have children of my own and they are old enough to use their voices to make a difference, I am learning how to teach anti-racism and how to educate my children about what some of their friends have to face that they most likely never will. I don’t want to raise racist kids who inadvertently grow up with unintentional or intentional racist thoughts or actions.

We have also been focusing a lot on developing empathy. What it is, how to put ourselves in other’s shoes, and why it matters.

In our city where we are raising our kids, 84.2% of the population is white, almost 6% black, 3.5% other, 2.6% Asian, 3% more than one race, and less than 1% Native American. The surrounding cities’ demographics are also similar to ours.

So basically, we are raising white boys in a predominantly white area.

I have been cognizant about partaking in our city’s MLK Day Celebration and listening to black preachers and speakers talk about equality and the work of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Additionally, although I didn’t realize it the first time we went, I often take my boys to a barbershop where most of the barbers are black. Any time we have been, we are the only white people waiting and I’m usually the only female. But…

Is making an effort to be around people of color enough?

No! It’s not.

This is why I need to figure out what my role is in raising anti-racist kids. I need to stop only giving the message of, “love all people and kindness wins” as I have been doing.

I need to stop being afraid of not saying the right thing or offending someone for fighting too hard or not fighting hard enough.

I need to stop feeling like I can’t do anything because I am white.

I need to stop (unintentionally) being colorblind.

I need to stop being fearful of everyone’s opinion and instead, live out what I know to be true and love all people in addition to standing up and fighting for what is right.

What Does It Mean To Be An Anti-Racist?

In order to understand what an anti-racist is, let’s look at what the dictionary says a racist is.

A racist is “a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that one’s own racial group is superior or that a particular racial group is inferior to the others.” Racism is defined as “hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.”

Even though I claim to not be a racist, I have had thoughts of racism without even realizing it. My eyes filled with tears as I reread that sentence.

I have to work hard to uncover where those thoughts are coming from and refrain from letting them manifest into something bigger.

Culture is a huge culprit as well as media exposure and honestly, policies in this country. I didn’t even realize how much I make general assumptions instead of focusing on individual behavior. Worst yet, I’m modeling that for my children.

To be an anti-racist is much more than just saying, “I’m not a racist.”

I recently listened to Brene Brown’s interview with Dr. Ibram X. Kendi about his book, “How to Be An Antiracist.” Much of what they both talked about really resonated and opened my eyes to the difference of not being a racist and being an anti-racist. What I gathered is there is no in-between. No gray area. Either you are or you aren’t and it takes hard work to rise above and distinguish racist idealogy and thoughts.

To be anti-racist means to move beyond saying you’re not racist and instead adopting and acting on antiracist views and beliefs. Kendi says, “What an anti-racist does first and foremost is identify racial inequities.”

Lastly, to be an anti-racist means that you need to let go of any racist thoughts and take action.

How To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Before I get into the resources that will help our family practice anti-racism and not only focus on not being racist, I want to mention that I am working on being as authentically real as my soul will allow with every word.

If I pose a question or seem ignorant, it’s because I am and I want to learn more.

My OCD causes me to digest as much information as possible, but in this instance, there is so much of “I don’t know what I don’t know“.

Please feel free to comment below this post and add whatever other information that will help me and other parents become more purposeful in how we teach our kids about racism.

If you are in the same boat and don’t even know where to start, here are 10 ways to avoid raising racist kids. Also included are ways to teach your kids about anti-racism to empower them to stand up for what’s right.

1. Educate Yourself

This is it!

We must start with US!

The work begins in us before we even open our mouths to speak to our kids. This goes for everything in parenting. Not only do we have nothing to give when our emotional cup is empty, but we also have nothing to give if we lack knowledge or wisdom.

For me, I first start by diving deep into God’s word and praying for my brothers and sisters.

Because of current events happening in our country around racial injustice, there is an abundant amount of resources helping parents navigate this topic.

Out of all the articles and videos I watched, the one that I found the most valuable place to start is from Dr. Jazmine of the Mom Psychologist.

She strongly suggests that we parents put on our own oxygen masks first. She says, “We need to work on unlearning and relearning what we need to know because we cannot start this conversation about race until we have first started it with ourselves.”

In her video on How to Be a White Ally: How White Shame is Getting In the Way, she talks about sitting in discomfort and then using those emotions and feelings to take action. Don’t allow the discomfort or shame of not doing something in the past to keep you in that same place. Instead, rise up and do the work.

Being a highly sensitive and empathic person, this work is extra difficult for me. I can’t help but feel intense emotions as I digest the information. The tears don’t stop. But instead of allowing myself to flee from those uncomfortable feelings, I’m making a conscious decision to be gloriously ruined so I can grow through the pain.

Also, remember to give yourself time. Unpacking your mental model of what race is and what you do about racism took years to develop so it may take years to unravel enough to do something about it.

This is an ongoing process. Never stop learning.

Here are some people and resources that have been helpful for me so far on my journey to be an antiracist:

EmbraceRace
The Children’s Community School – Social Justice Resources
How to Be an Antiracist by Dr. Ibram X. Kendi
Real American by Julie Lithcott-Haims (I also highly recommend her book, How To Raise An Adult)
Latasha Morrison
What Does The Bible Say About Racism?
The Mom Psychologist
ADL
Candace Owens
Anti-racism Resources For White People Google Doc
The Labouring Mom
Becoming Mamas Together has a post with great resources

2. Talk About Race and Racism

Start early and do it often.

Having “the talk” one time about difficult topics isn’t effective. Only one conversation negates the importance or makes it seem taboo.

Many white parents neglect to talk about race. The reason is that they probably don’t even think about it or they don’t find it necessary.

Look around. It’s a conversation that can not be nor should be avoided.

How To Talk About Racism to Kids

When talking to your kids about race, be direct and specific. Point out differences in a positive light. Celebrate the differences of others that you see when reading books, while out in public, at school, or even watching a show.

Parents Magazine has a great age-by-age guide that walks you through how to talk to kids about racism starting very young.

Ages 0-6: Expose your child to other races and cultures. If you don’t live in a diverse area, study other cultures together. If a need for conversation around racism or bigotry arises, do it but in a developmentally appropriate way by labeling emotions and giving basic facts. Remember silence is worse than saying too much.
Ages 6-8: Conversations around racism may be a little easier at this age. Give your child the space to ask questions and express their curiosity. It is suggested that you use simple language, are honest, and don’t overdo it.
Ages 9-11: Don’t allow kids to hear about scary events from TV or the internet. Instead, be the person that informs them what is going on. When discussing racism with this age group, keep the language neutral.
Teens: Say something if you observe your teenagers engaging in racist thoughts or acts. Be cautious to keep the conversation open and help your teen think about concepts he or she has never thought about before.

Go with your gut and attune to where your child is in his or her understanding. The main point is to speak up instead of staying silent.

3. Read Books Together

As soon as I realized that I needed to step up my game in raising anti-racist kids, I logged onto the city’s library portal to request some books so we could start reading together.

I also added Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning to my Amazon cart since there were so many pending requests from the library.

We have some others from this list we are wanting to add to our bookshelf as well.

4. Teach Your Child How to Listen

Being a good listener is stinking hard. We are wired to voice our opinions, maybe offer help, and be heard. Listening takes more work.

The best way to teach our kids to listen well is to be a good listener ourselves. Use eye contact, and positive body language, and be fully present. Then point out those traits of being a good listener when trying to understand other people.

Have discussions about how much can be learned simply from listening without making judgments. Wyoming Early Childhood Network has a great infographic that teaches kids how to become good listeners.

5. Support People of Color and Other Races

Buy books from authors of all races, watch movies with diverse casts and/or directed by people of color, listen to music from other cultures, and attend plays or concerts with diverse casts or artists.

>> Looking for books to read with your kids or encourage them to read? Check out these lists of books I curated on parenting and teaching kids about diversity and race on Bookshop.

6. Diversify Your Friend Group

If you live in an area like we do, this is harder to do. It would be awkward and rude to go searching specifically for moms of different races simply because of the color of their skin. However, don’t just stick to your bubble. Join mom or parent groups, get involved in your child’s school, or get your child involved in sports so they can meet new people.

In addition to diversifying your friend group, speak up in your current circle of influence. I’ll keep saying this, but silence reinforces racism.

7. Guide Your Children’s Curiosity About Race

Psychological research has discovered that kids as young as three years old start assigning meaning to race and other people’s color of skin.

There are a few reasons for this.

First, they engage in essentialist reasoning which is when they begin to categorize people.

They also notice class-race patterns.

Last, children (and people of all ages) experience biases that cause them to navigate towards people who look and act like them. This ingroup bias can start as young as three. Another bias called “high-status bias” starts to develop around age four or five, which is when they show preferences for people who are of higher-status groups.

Having this understanding, we need to guide our kids’ experiences with people from other social groups, races, and cultures by teaching them to celebrate similarities AND differences.

When your child asks you an honest question about the color of their friend’s skin or the texture of their hair because it’s different than his or hers, don’t shut down the conversation. Instead, use your child’s curiosity to teach and ask questions that engage him or her in a deeper conversation.

Figure out what’s underneath the surface of the question or spark of curiosity. Ask yourself,

“What is my child noticing about race?”
“What is making him or her think in that way?”
“What are they really saying or asking?”
“What did they mean by that?”
“Where did they hear that?”
You can also ask your child to explain what they mean and see if they have the words to express their thoughts. You may be surprised.

While writing this, my eight-year-old was asking why I was reading so many articles and watching many videos. He was truly shocked that people would be treated differently because of the color of their skin. He also had a ton of questions about where the color comes from and if he could become black because he prefers that skin tone. So we started by looking up diagrams of skin to learn about melanin. Just with those two questions, we were able to unveil what racism is, how to spot it, and what to do about it. I was able to take his curiosity and guide him to learn more in an unbiased way.

8. Make Visual and Tactile Connections That Empower Change

A brain is an association machine. This is why stories and analogies resonate better with people than straight-up facts. Find ways to visually demonstrate what racism does and why it’s important to fight against it.

One visual I came across was to have kids unravel a ball of yarn to create a tangled spider web. Once they are finished, the kids untangle the web. This visual illustration is then used to explain how much harder it is to untangle a web than it is to make which is very similar to how much harder it is to fix the unfairness that has been in this country for so long.

9. Teach Empathy

Empathy, empathy, empathy.

Empathy is declining in youth today making it even more important that we take the time to teach it.

Many well-intended parents talk about racial inequity as if people like Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and other civil rights activists fixed it, making everything right again. Racial inequity is sometimes talked about as if it only happened in the past. Although things are different today, racism still exists. Biases are still embedded in our culture. Racist policies still exist and people are still not treated equally or as if their culture matters. We must keep all of this in mind as we teach empathy, self-awareness, and gratitude.

Ask your kids what they think it would be like to be judged for how they look. Point out how others are feeling based on what they say and the expressions on their faces.

We love the podcast, Imagine Neighborhood. It’s written specifically for kids to help them grow their social-emotional skills. I often reference some of their episodes when discussing empathy to help my kids understand better.

10. Advocate & Take Action

We often tell our kids we are all equal, but stop the conversation there. Instead, we need to model and show how to be an advocate. Take a stand against racism. our children have the power to be agents of change for all cultures.

On NBC’s Parent Toolkit, the author states, “An important part of being an advocate is not just saying people are equal, but acting in a way that reflects that thinking.”

Here are some practical ways you can be an advocate and in turn, teach your children how to advocate and take action:

Look for organizations in the area doing anti-racist justice work and partner with them.
Donate money to organizations like Mothering Justice.
Go to your local library with titles of books written by people of color that you want them to purchase. Encourage them to buy more than one copy as well. I wanted to check out Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning, and there were 24 requests for only one copy.
Silence reinforces racial prejudices so learn when to listen and when to speak up and teach your kids the same.
If you have older kids or teens, read through resources like this Justice Begins At Home guide from Racial Equity Tools to see how you can take action.

Join Me In Raising Anti-Racist Kids

My eyes have been opened so much wider as I devoured everything I read and saw in researching for this post.

We can’t stay silent.

Instead, we need to talk and talk often to our kids about fighting for what’s right. Saying, “everyone should be equal or love all people,” is no longer enough. If a fire has been lit in your heart like mine, I encourage you to share this post or comment on your thoughts below.

April 29, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 50 Comments

My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy So I’m Doing These 4 Things!

Inside: Do you ever say this to yourself, “My kids are driving me crazy?” I sure have over this time of being stuck inside so here’s what I did to stay connected and not lose my mind!

I couldn’t get to the back door fast enough. As my hand turned the knob, the pressure started to release like I was opening the valve on top of an Instant Pot.

I let loose. But instead of a “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” sound, what came out of me was more of a high-pitched scream.

I screamed on top of my lungs right outside my back door.

From inside, my kids sat and watched me through the windows wide-eyed.

My physical body could no longer handle how I was feeling from my kids’ behavior, being trapped in the house, and being forced to be an introvert. All new territory. Ultimately, I thought my kids were driving me crazy to the point of completely losing my marbles.

Please note: I did explain to my boys afterward what happened and repaired any damage. They found humor in how I was acting. I also told them how it’s never good to bottle up emotions or they might end up scaring the neighbors like me. Oh, goodness.

Two days after this moment, I started to develop shingles on my scalp and left side of my face. Honestly, I thought it was deep cystic acne from all the stress. I was no longer in control of anything in my life or so it seemed.

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Why Are My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy?!

The first step to any emotional challenge is to figure out the why behind the behavior. The huge iceberg we can’t see beneath the surface.

I made an iceberg infographic in regard to child behavior for this post on why parenting is hard, but I realized that it can totally be applied to us parents too! Or at least me!

Crying, check.

Isolation, check.

Yelling, check.

Agression, check.

Tantrum, check if you count standing on the back porch screaming.

So what was causing all these “behaviors”? And why did I feel like my kids were driving me crazy?

This took quite the discovery to see what was beneath the surface.

It didn’t even really involve anything my kids did! Well, maybe a little. They had a focus of a hamster and weren’t exactly motivated to do what was on my agenda.

Paraphrased: They weren’t doing what I wanted when I wanted without considering how they were feeling even though their life just completely changed, too. I offered no empathy and threw everything I know about brain development or how to take care of myself out the window.

Instead of giving them the space they needed or focusing on connection, I kept pushing and pushing until I began to spiral out of control of my own thoughts and emotions.

I felt weary, exhausted, anxious, and out-of-my-mind-stressed because of mom guilt and a loss of control.

There were a whole lot of “should’ve’s” circling around in my mind.

“My kids should get started with school right at 9:00am.”

“I should be able to leave my house.”

“My house should stay clean all day.”

“We should all be acting thankful that we have each other and get to spend so much time together.”

“We should be able to do a fun craft that everyone enjoys doing.” And if I’m being really honest, I was hoping for those moments that I could capture and post to social media to show how we’re surviving and thriving during all of this. Yes, I’m totally giving myself a huge eye roll as I type this!

One last reason I got to the point of feeling like my kids were driving me crazy is because I was thrown into experiencing a brand new way of life. Stuck at home, with all males, nowhere to go and no friends to play with.

While I write this, we’re still in quarantine.

Everything is shut down including parks, libraries, schools, restaurants, national parks, organized sports, the gym (insert huge sad face here), and basically any place besides our house that we want to go to or do.

This is our reality for now and by bringing how I felt into perspective, I was able to chill out a little and start making some changes. You know, to avoid the whole screaming on the back porch incident.

How I Get My Kids to Stop Driving Me Crazy

It took some work but over the course of a few weeks, I was able to lean into God’s Word more, feel wrapped in His grace, and have a shift in my mindset.

The guilt, shame and loss of control slowly started to lift off of my shoulders.

Here are a few things that are helping me stay sane and not let my kids’ affect me as much.

1. I Get Crazy!

This may be a little unconventional but I have spent most of my life striving to be different.

I kid you not when I say, I get crazy.

Crazy as in fun, playful and silly.

Laugh

Anytime I start to feel the stress start to seep into my body, I begin to laugh uncontrollably. It’s scientifically proven that laughter is quite contagious and can completely change the mood of a room (or kitchen during school time).

If you know my kids, you should ask them about this new trait of mine. Ha! I may have scared my boys at first but it didn’t take long before they started laughing, too.

And if laughing doesn’t work, I dance.

Dance

Google Home is my best friend blasting KidzBop so I can shimmy around my kitchen island letting the music move me. Literally. Dancing for friends on Marco Polo and having them dance back also brings me joy.

Just yesterday, my oldest taught my son to say, “Can’t Touch This. Hammer Time,” so we spent at least an hour learning the lyrics while doing our best Hammer moves. “My, my, my, my music hits me so hard…”

Tell Puns and Jokes

If I can’t get my kids to make eye contact with me or listen to a word that’s coming out of my mouth, I begin to speak in puns and jokes.

How can my kids continue to ignore me when I’m telling them the corniest jokes ever?

Become an Animal

I told you I get crazy.

This one is most loved by my toddler who probably affects my emotions the most. His whining and crying over not getting a toy he wants has been getting under my skin more than I would like to admit.

So when my stress response is triggered and I’m ready to yell or feel like I want to shake him (please note: I don’t ever do this but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to sometimes), alternatively, I become a monkey.

Monkeys are the easiest to imitate but I’ve been a lion, snake, and even a mouse. It not only helps my kids listen but it prevents my amygdala from taking over. I can access my thinker part of my brain where creativity is also found.

So you may not want to turn into an animal and that’s okay. It took me a while to get there, too. Ha!

I do dare you to get crazy in one way or another though!

2. I Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is so powerful.

I always thought it was against my religion because I associated it with emptying the mind. Wow oh wow was I wrong. It’s actually about FILLING your mind with all things that are good just as the Bible teaches us. And you don’t even need to be a believer to practice mindfulness. It’s free and for all people!

Waking up early, meditating on script

ure, having a sit spot, journaling, and getting back to practicing my deep breathing are all saving my booty during this time! (I came across these gorgeous leather journals that feel so great to write in and will last for years. I’m super weird and love to have a journal that feels good!)

To learn more about how to practice mindfulness, check out this post: 5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos! And as a bonus for signing up to join my email list, you will receive this Taking Care of MYSELF eBook!

3. I Become One With Nature

Okay, so I don’t really become one with nature because I don’t even know what that means. I wanted to see if you were paying attention.

What I do though is get out in nature as long as it’s not over 100 degrees. We have been hiking a lot on nearby trails and exploring a local nature preserve. Desert hiking is incredible. The wildflowers this year were so beautiful and I can’t ever get enough of flowering cacti!

As I stared at the cactus blooms, I see myself. I am blooming among this thorny time in life right now.

And if we can’t go hiking because of the heat (and rattlesnakes, oh my!), we drive a few hours north to camp. I can’t wait to head to Flagstaff to sit in the cool pines next week. Since we don’t have the kind of nature that fills my soul readily available outside of our door, having a camper is the next best thing!

In an article on University of Minnesota’s Take Care of Your Wellbeing, they say, “Being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, reduces anger, fear, and stress and increases pleasant feelings. Exposure to nature not only makes you feel better emotionally, it contributes to your physical wellbeing, reducing blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension, and the production of stress hormones. It may even reduce mortality, according to scientists such as public health researchers Stamatakis and Mitchell.”

4. I Tap Out

When I just can’t get my stuff together, I physically tap out.

My husband will often tap in. He usually puts the boys to work or turns a movie on, but hey, whatever works! If we were able to hang out with others, I would ask for help from friends, too. It takes an army, I tell ya!

Or I tap out by walking outside to breathe, look at the trees and listen to the birds. Again mindfulness.

If I can’t go outside I’ll lock myself in my closet or bathroom for a few minutes. I thought my husband was crazy for putting security cameras throughout the house, but they really come in handy when I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Discovering What’s Driving You Crazy

If you are having similar feelings or you can’t figure out how to access a state of calm, I recommend figuring out where those emotions are coming from before you do anything else!

Here are some great ways to discover why your kids may be driving you crazy:

Write it down. Brain dump every emotion and feeling inside your body. If you pray, use this time to write out prayers too!
Talk to a friend. I’m beyond thankful for social distancing coffee dates my friends and I have been having. They are FILLING my soul. Also, as I get rid of all the junk that’s stuffed inside, I can discover why I’m feeling that way.
Talk to your wall. I’m not kidding! Sit on the end of your bed and spill the beans to your bedroom walls. Explain events that have been happening, your reactions, and your kids’ reactions. You’ll be surprised at how awesome this works in figuring out what’s beneath the surface.
Pray. Give it a try. Ask God to take the wheel and He will!

Next Time Before I Scream

Next time my kids are driving me crazy, like in ten minutes, my first response is going to be to take care of myself. Breathe, shake it off, and who knows, become a pig!

Although I felt shame and guilt for screaming on my back porch that day, I did what my body needed. I was in dire need of getting rid of all the emotional junk stuffed inside me. Being a parent is hard stuff so let’s all take it one moment at a time.

Here’s to being human!

April 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 41 Comments

How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair them afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.

My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage.

Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane.

I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”

As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven-year-old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on.

It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped.

Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad.

How did we get here?

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Rupture and Repair

When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture.

A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you have to enforce.

Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken.

We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair.

If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.

Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others, and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life.

Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.

This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.

The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy for your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime.

This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope.

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!

1. Calm Down

Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray, and breathe.

Stop what you are doing.

Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment.

And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”

Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick.

Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus by using your senses.

There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too!

Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate.

I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and

repair, repair, repair!!

When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst.

As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need.

If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, or overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids.

Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment.

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful.

He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”

Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.

parent child relationship after conflict

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle toward healthy emotional and cognitive development.

Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back on what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think.

I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness, or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache.

After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy.

For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine!

learning social emotional intelligence through play

On The Laundry Room Floor

The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is that I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress.

As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants, and shirts.

I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.

Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time.

With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.”

He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”

April 15, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 14 Comments

7 Reasons Siblings Fight Constantly

Inside: Understanding the reasons why siblings fight constantly can help you eliminate the bickering, arguing or fighting. This is the first step to bringing peace to your home.

In December, we got a trampoline. My boys play together and get so much energy out on that thing. However, a little friendly flipping competition or play wrestling match often turns into someone crying from pain or yelling because of an argument.

As a parent, hearing kids fight can be painful. Or if I’m completely honest, frustrating and sometimes annoying.

Why can’t everyone just get along? I’m telling you, the world would be a much better place if people including siblings were kind to each other!

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

Siblings Who Fight Constantly Can Be Linked to Poor Mental Health

I am totally guilty of not taking siblings fighting seriously.

It’s very common so part of me thought it was good for character development.

For the most part, our boys play really well together and can be best friends.

However, there are many times when their play wrestling goes a step too far. Also, if one boy is tired, hungry, needing attention, or all of the above, the fighting escalates to an unsafe level. And it never fails that one of my older boys will fight with my toddler over who owns what toy.

Why does that even matter?!

I don’t love that they fight, but I also know I can’t be the person solving their problems. There’s no way I could show up for them if I did; I would run out of gas by midday.

Whenever I’m facing any kind of parenting problem, my first go-to is to hit the research. Yes, I pray and have mommy intuition, but the research is usually right on.

I was looking for studies on the reasons siblings fight constantly and what kept coming up was…

Siblings fighting can actually lead to poor mental health.

According to Science Daily, “Fights between siblings are so common they’re often dismissed as simply part of growing up. Yet a new study finds that sibling aggression is associated with significantly worse mental health in children and adolescents. In some cases, the effects of sibling aggression on mental health were the same as those of peer aggression.”

Therefore, when siblings fight constantly, it can cause problems that should not be shoved under the rug or shrugged off. Instead, we need to communicate to our kids how important it is to get along or leave the other sibling alone.

7 Reasons Siblings Fight

To fix the problem, we need to know why the problem exists. The reasons below are adapted by Kids Health with a few of my own observations.

1. Development

One reason brothers and sisters constantly fight is because of brain development. Kids may not have the skills to understand why their siblings are acting a certain way. Or it can be how they are trying to figure out the world.

A common saying is that relationships take work.

This rings even more true for growing children whose brains don’t have the skills to interpret how another person feels let alone unpack his or her own feelings.

constant fighting between toddler and older siblings

3 General Stages That Impact Siblings Fighting:

Toddlers & Preschoolers | Discovering independence, beginning to understand possession
School-Age Kids | Fighting for autonomy, having a strong sense of equality (or what is or isn’t fair) and knowing what’s right and wrong.
Pre-teens and Teenagers | Coming into their own, discovering who they are apart from their parents.

2. Self-Regulation Development

The ability to self-regulate is a huge one.

Neurotypical kids usually start to self-regulate by ages four or five. However, if your child has asynchronous development happening in his or her brain as my boys do, then this skill may come later.

Kids need to manage their own problems and stress responses before being able to understand others. You can find more information on self-regulation in this post.

For You! By subscribing to be part of the Raising Kids With Purpose community, you will receive a free calm down toolkit.

3. Personality

It’s no secret that some personalities just don’t mix.

According to the Child Development Institute, “Personality is determined by the interaction of temperament traits with the environment. Each person (including your child) comes with factory-installed wiring.”

Your kids could have temperaments that don’t mesh well. This is not an excuse to allow them to fight, but rather, something worth looking into to see how they can build each other up. A great way to do this is to have each kiddo learn what their siblings’ core character strengths are.

Besides looking at their strengths, there are nine temperamental traits that may help you discover why contention rises. They are activity level, distractibility, intensity, regularity, sensory threshold, approach/withdrawal, adaptability, persistence, and mood.

Any bells going off as you read through those attributes?

I can hear the sirens blaring as I skim past every single one!

Something else to keep in mind is when kids have special needs or behavioral challenges as that can also add fuel to the fire. We have some of that in this house so what would be a small argument can turn into a full-blown brawl if not stopped immediately.

4. How Fighting Is Modeled

Ooooh, this one can sting a little bit.

Our kids learn through observing and imitating. Witnessing conflicts being resolved between you and your partner or between you and anybody for that matter can impact how your kids interact with each other. This also goes for any other influence they have such as television shows, video games, and other people they spend a lot of time with.

It’s important to connect before you correct and remain calm when correcting behavior. One of those reasons is that the way you treat your child will impact how he or she treats a sibling.

And you know what, your kids may be acting in ways that you never do. Most likely, they have outside influences. Kids learn a whole slew of words and actions from peers and other adults in their lives.

If this is happening, bring it up!

I often will tell my boys, “When I disagree with dad on something, I don’t just go up to him and slap him in the back or punch him in the face. Wouldn’t that be silly if I did?” They usually agree and are slowly making the connection of the kind of behavior they should have with each other, especially during a disagreement.

5. Sensory Challenges

The research has been pouring out over the last decade about sensory integration.

Every person perceives what he or she tastes, touches, hears, sees or smells differently from each other. In addition to those basic five senses, there are also vestibular (balance) and proprioceptive (awareness of body in space) senses that can affect mood and the way kids interact with each other.

Kid Sense explains sensory integration as “…the effective registration (and accurate interpretation) of sensory input in the environment (including one’s body). It is the way the brain receives, organizes, and responds to sensory input in order to behave in a meaningful & consistent manner.”

Our family has two kiddos with sensory processing sensitivity which makes them extra sensitive to noise and touch. And these challenges have a major impact on whether or not they can get along with each other.

We used to have music playing in our house nonstop. What I realized is that the extra noise was causing sensory overload which led to more fighting and physical touch between my boys.

There is a common misconception that only children with diagnoses have a sensory challenge. Any child can be more sensitive. To figure this out, simply observe how each of your children reacts to his or her environment. Also, a friend recently introduced me to this quiz on highly sensitive people that you can take for your kids AND yourself!

6. Culture

Culture impacts behavior in everyone. A child’s environment will affect how he or she sees the world including how he or she treats a sibling.

Research even shows that culture may shape how the brain processes anything visual.

This is important to keep in mind when siblings fighting is driving you bananas.

7. Competition

Anyone else have kids who literally turn everything into a competition or comparison? There is a laundry list of reasons why sibling rivalry exists.

Read Next: Quality Time: The Best Way to Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Self-determination theory explains that all humans are born with three basic psychological needs, autonomy, relatedness, and competence. Therefore, kids want to be separate from their siblings and define who they are as individuals. There may also be a need to feel less competent when compared to a sibling which can cause more contention.

Another piece of the puzzle is that kids have what I call an attention bucket that needs to be filled by their parents. If that bucket is empty, a child may be competing for the attention and love they innately crave.

Do Your Kids Fight?

What is it like at your house? Do you have siblings who fight constantly? Or just fight some of the time? I hope that with this list of reasons, you can chisel away some of the problems in order to bring more peace into your home.

As I said, no one wants to hear their kids fighting all day.

In my next post, I will uncover the best way to get siblings to stop fighting which a lot of parents don’t typically do.

And if you know friends who can’t figure out why their kids fight all the time, please SHARE the love.

March 31, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 53 Comments

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos

In this post, you will find creative mindfulness exercises for parents that bring connection and a sense of calm, joy and happiness to the chaos of life. This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

The biggest struggle I have in being the gentle, kind, calm and connected parent I want to be is that my kids are LOUD!

I’m not talking about occasional shrieking when they get excited or yelling that they are open when playing a game of basketball, but rather, talking and being loud all of the time. I can be a few feet from my son and yet he projects as if I’m across the street. My boys were not born with a volume button.

I lied.

They do have a volume knob.

It just goes from 70% to 100% when they are upset or frustrated. It’s in these moments that I need to keep myself calm so I can attune to their needs.

Because I know that in those moments, there is ZERO reason to correct or reason with them if their lid is flipped.

Staying calm when the noise is deafening was so hard for me. I would start to feel like I was trapped in an echoey cave complete with cave kids and no way out.

The key to getting out of that cave is learning how to practice MINDFULNESS!

In order to get out of survival mode, find joy in motherhood, and stay calm enough to make long-lasting connections with my kids, I needed to learn how to be mindful.

In order to get to this point where we train our brains and bodies to go into relaxation mode when the stress (or noise) is high, we need to know how to bring awareness to our experience.

Over the years, I have found a few creative mindfulness exercises for parents that help reduce the stress in stressful parenting situations.

What is Mindfulness For Parents?

Before I go into the specific exercises, let’s talk about what mindfulness even is.

It is a buzzword so I’m sure you have heard of it a time or two. This may also mean you have some preconceived notions of what it is. I know I did.

What Mindfulness is NOT

Here are a few things that mindfulness for parents is not:

Weird

It does not mean you need to climb to the top of a mountain surrounded by llamas and alpacas, repeating, “Ommmm”. That is a form of meditation. Two separate things.

Against Religion

It’s not against the Christian religion. I avoided anything to do with this word because I thought it was about emptying the mind.

Wrong!

It’s actually the opposite and can be used to bring you closer to God!

Something That Has To Take A Long Time

I’ve heard people say they don’t have time to do a mindfulness practice.

This is silly because being mindful doesn’t have to be this long-drawn-out process. It can be a quick, check-in with how your body feels and what you are thinking kind of thing then move on your merry way to clean the toilets or play with your child. I don’t know about you, but I typically choose to play with my child!

What Mindfulness IS

Simply put, mindfulness is the act of becoming aware of your experiences.

That’s it!

Right now, wherever you are, in your bed, in your house, at the park, at a doctor’s office, hopefully not in your car driving…take your attention off of this blog and bring awareness to how your body feels.

How does your face feel? Your hands? Feet? What kind of experience are you having this very second?

That, my friend, is mindfulness!

Noticing what is going on WITHOUT reacting or trying to fix things, or making judgments.

Work with and direct those thoughts and feelings. This helps us enter a state where we can observe what is happening instead of allowing our emotions to hijack our behavior.

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises for Parents

Now, the real fun begins!

Taking time to check in with your mind and body has so many benefits.

Mindfulness can take a crappy day and turn it into a good one. It can give you the space to think before you speak, connect before you correct and respond instead of react.

Being mindful can help you become the mom or dad you want to be for your children and the husband or wife you want to be for your spouse.

There are many different kinds of mindfulness practices you can incorporate into your daily life.

I am unpacking five creative mindfulness exercises that will help you find joy in parenthood and life, reduce stress, not yell and if you want, become closer to God.

All of these can be taught to your children which in turn can help you stay calm.

BONUS! By signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a Taking Care of MYSELF ebook that helps you take care of yourself so you have more to give. Learn how to be a calm happy, fulfilled parent with an acryonym that’s easy to remember!

1. STOP, Pause (or Pray) then Breathe

Stop.

Drop your agenda. If nothing is physical and it’s not an actual emergency…

PRAY.

Then BREATH. Take 3 deep breaths and CHOOSE to calm down.

2. Use Mantras

Ond day while my son was having a sensory (read: intense) meltdown, repeating mantras in my head totally saved me from matching his emotions. Otherwise, I would have totally lost it.

Because I kept repeating to myself, “He would do well if he could”, I was able to stay regulated long enough to help him calm down (this is called co-regulation).

Here are mantras that can help parents calm down:

This is not an emergency.
I can handle this.
I breathe in calm, I breathe out calm. I breathe in love, I breathe out calm. (Dr. Laura Markham)
My child would do well if he or she could (Dr. Ross Greene)
Behavior is an unmet need.
Behavior is communication.
God, I’m safe with you.
I have everything I need right now (Abundant Mama)
Connection before correction (Dr. Daniel Siegel)

Every time you are able to calm down, your prefrontal cortex gets stronger and more neural pathways are formed.

You develop what is called, vagal tone.

The nerve that calms your body down, the vagus nerve, gets stronger. Someone with a good vagal tone is more resilient and can return to a sense of calm much faster.

As your vagal tone gets stronger,

You can intervene
Connect before you correct and
Respond before you react!

Have you caught onto the underlying benefits of mindfulness yet?

3. Breathe!

Last year, I was sitting with a group of women and my friend mentioned how she thought it was funny that her iwatch kept telling her to breath. She said, “Obviously, I’m breathing. I have to breathe to live.”

True.

However, there are different ways to breathe. The way the iwatch wants you to breathe to deactivate your stress response.

You can do this RIGHT NOW!

Breath in slowly.

Hold your breath at the top.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 …keep holding 6 – 7

Now blow out all of the air until it’s all gone.

Doesn’t that feel good? I was doing this as I was writing and have decided air is my drug of choice!!! Ha!

The reason why this feels good is because of a few things:

Your Autonomic Nervous System is made up of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic system is what helps you get into a calm state. I envision floating along on a parasail. This is when you can be relaxed, lose weight easier, sleep better and be happier. It’s restorative and gets rid of the stress hormones. You feel safe and can access intuition and insight.

Then we have the sympathetic nervous. When it’s activated, it’s telling our bodies there is an EMERGENCY!! This is when we go into a fight, flight, freeze or faint state and cortisol levels increase.

If we don’t get out of this system, we can gain weight, become sleep deprived, depressed and sad, be defensive, impulsive or completely shut down.

Get This! A relaxation response takes 12 breaths (roughly 2 minutes). However, if you do deep breathing regularly, it can work after 6 breaths!

I’ve had people tell me that breathing doesn’t work. It’s usually because they wait until they are at their boiling point and wanting to shake their child (which I don’t recommend doing that) to breathe! Then yes, it may not seem like breathing works.

The research is very clear.

Breathing calms down the body. Period. It is also readily available!

Specific Breathing exercises

5, 7, 8 breathing – Inhale for five counts, hold for seven and blow out a big exhale for eight counts. I don’t usually count, but instead, I just make sure my exhales are longer than my inhales.
Box breathing – Breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. You can use your finger to draw a box or square as you count to four.
Scripture breathing – inhale as you recite scripture in your head and then exhale as you finish.
Connecting your breath to your thoughts, don’t just notice it.

You can access a deeper level of restfulness and healing by filling your mind with goodness.

When to Practice Breathing

Here are great times to do deep breathing exercises. In fact, since I do my breathing practice while driving, every time I put my car into drive, I automatically start to inhale deeply. My brain has been trained to take nice long deep breaths anytime I’m on the go.

Here are all the spots that work well to practice deep breathing:

Driving or riding in the car
While rocking a baby or toddler
Nursing a baby
Waiting for kids while in the car
Watching kids play sports from the sidelines at a practice or a game

4. Do a Body Scan

This is something else you can do while reading this post on creative mindfulness exercises.

Bring your attention to each of the following body parts one at a time:

Toes → ball of the foot
Calves → quads
Stomach
Mind
Heart

If we continue to keep ALL THE JUNK stuffed, that anxiety builds up then later explodes. Alternatively, think about how you feel in every nook and cranny of your body so you can release the tension.

5. Savor

Savoring is aiming your attention on positive things in order to create a “bank account” of goodness to draw on in tough times.

I once heard Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting say, “Happiness is not in our brain’s job description…it’s always on the lookout for danger.” That helped me make sense of why I feel the way I do in so many situations.

When you induce the feelings of gratitude, empathy, and pleasure, you are actually changing the neurotransmitters in your brain to give yourself a positive sense of well-being and a strong sense of safety.

How to savor: attach positive thoughts to each of your senses.

What you see around you – nature, your kids getting along, your house you are blessed to live in, certain colors you enjoy

What you hear – music, a baby’s laugh, the sizzling of food, birds chirping, the leaves rustling

What you smell – your favorite food, essential oils, your hair, perfume, your baby’s sweet skin

How you felt in the past – reminisce on past experiences that were very joyful. Savor through journaling.

What you feel – something soft, your baby’s skin, your clothes, a tree

What you taste – think of the texture, flavor, and temperature

When savoring, it’s important that you choose something you actually like.

It’s confusing to the brain if you force positive thoughts while eating chocolate when you can’t stand the taste. Rather, look, listen, smell, feel and taste what you already enjoy.

Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

Yes, we are sold on a lot of ways to find happiness and ways to change our lives.

Some work and some don’t.

I can tell you from experience that having a mindfulness practice really does make a positive change. The more we bring awareness to our mind and body connection, the better we become at managing our emotions and the words that come out of our mouths.

Freebies for You!

I presented on this topic at my local MOPS chapter. For my talk, I provided my mommy friends with a printable that I wanted to make available to you as well. Click here to download the Mindfulness Handout.

I also have a self-care ebook to help mamas be their best selves! Fill out the form below and it will be sent directly to your email inbox.

Share the Love

If you find this information helpful in finding calm and happiness, please feel free to share! Use the sharing buttons below.

Much love,

February 18, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 50 Comments

To The Mom of “That Kid” Who Is Seen For His Behavior (Instead of His Character)

I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged and helpless. Since then, we let our son switch to a whole different kind of school that is made for kids who need to move, explore, and create! This is for the momma out there who sees the heart behind the behavior and a few things I’ve learned!!

It started when my son was two. Many times I would arrive at daycare at the end of a long day of work to see the teacher’s concerned face.

I knew what was coming.

She would tell me all about the behaviors he displayed. That he didn’t follow directions. He moved too much. He couldn’t focus. The best was when a teacher said, “I don’t know what to do with your son. Time-outs work for all the other kids, but not for him.”

The sweet teacher would explain that he sits in the corner of the room laughing instead of feeling bad about his actions. As soon as he came out of time-out, he would be worse than before. “We talk to him sternly, we clearly tell him what the consequence will be, but nothing works.”

Her words were very hard to swallow for the perfectionistic, rule-following mom that I am.

Therefore, this was my interpretation: “Hey lady, you have the bad kid.”

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Then in PreK, the teacher would “discipline” AKA, punish him, by making him clean up after the whole class for knocking blocks down or not staying on the big round carpet. Or he would be scolded for folding paper and creating crazy creations instead of coloring inside the lines.

I know now that he’s not an inside-the-lines kind of human. But yet, that’s what he’s been forced to do his whole school life.

In Kindergarten, I often heard about his behavior and inability to follow instructions. Then that continued on through First Grade causing him to lose recess often. His teachers were always very nice when speaking to me, but the words would go straight to this momma’s heart.

The defensive thoughts would circle around inside my head like a violent tornado…

I don’t know how I can help from home when I’m not there. We work hard to model good behavior at home. He’s not exposed to bad language, images, or anything of that nature. We talk to him. We pray with him. We go to church and love God. He knows how to make good choices. We eat family dinner together every single night. I can’t force him to sit still in school. I can’t shield him from every negative influence from outside of our home. He plays like one hour of video games A WEEK, never watches YouTube and we don’t even turn the TV on Monday through Friday. What else do they want me to do?

Thankfully, he had teachers in both Second and Third who started to peel back the layers and saw our son for his strengths first. But still, the school environment was challenging for him.

I felt like my husband and I were doing everything we could to help our child, but yet, the emails, calls, and principal visits continued to happen.

What else was there to do?

(In retrospect, it really wasn’t that often nor were the “offenses” ever that bad. It just felt bad.)

Then Something Happened…

Before I knew anything about the developing brain and only went by how society, in general, viewed behavior, I wasted a ton of air correcting and telling my child how he “should” act. I also wasted a ton of stickers, gummy bears and reward charts.

I never once asked, “Why is he acting this way?”

Or…

“How Can I Help?”

Then I came across a podcast, Tilt Parenting, hosted by who has become one of my favorite humans on this planet (although I’ve never met her)! Every episode had a psychologist, teacher, advocate, doctor or mental health professional explaining concepts in ways that completely shifted or what the host calls tilted the way I thought.

Most of the time, I would listen to or read the books mentioned. With every bite of research and information I chewed off, a reframe began.

This, in turn, changed the way I viewed my child.

More importantly, it changed the way I treated my son.

During the same timeframe, while scrolling through Instagram, a photographer I followed suggested reading “The Whole-Brain Child”.

I couldn’t get through it fast enough before moving on to “No-Drama Discipline”, both by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. And I’m currently reading their new book, “The Power of Showing Up.“

It was the first time I removed all of my preconceptions of how a child should behave and all the other “shoulds” I was exposed to by society growing up. Instead, I realized what was actually going on underneath the surface and in my son’s brain, mind and body. Also, I gained awareness of my own brain, mind and body.

That’s when a paradigm shift happened.

My son began to change as well. Not necessarily the surface behaviors in school, but in how he trusted us, how safe he felt, how he treated others and how he viewed the world.

We saw his strengths first instead of his weaknesses.

It felt like when Mary pulled back all the vines to discover the door to the Secret Garden. We spent years pulling those vines down and what was behind the wooden gate was beautiful. A precious little boy with a kind and compassionate heart.

Here is a quick rundown of what caused this change in thinking:

Learning phrases and concepts such as “behavior is communication”, and “kids do well if they can”, in addition to implementing Plan B.
There is a difference between “can’t” and “doesn’t want to.”
How to “connect and redirect.”
What executive functioning and self-regulation are.
How to support a child through scaffolding.
That praising my son by telling him “good job” can demotivate instead of encourage and motivate him.
A “disorder” diagnosis does not mean there is a deficiency or inadequacy.
That behavior is “top down” (driven by thought, logic and reasoning) or “bottom up” (driven by instinct).
There can be developmental advancements and developmental delays all in one brain.
The environment is the thing that needs to change, not the child. Also, I learned to communicate to my child that he is “not the problem.”
How to be my child’s emotion coach so he can develop Emotional Intelligence.
Lastly, that my son, who learned his alphabet, colors, and songs much later than his peers, but at an early age, was very empathic and could take anything apart and build very complicated structures out of paper was Twice Exceptional.

Related: Why Praise Doesn’t Work To Motivate Kids And What We Can Do Instead

Any time I would slip up and divert to my stern voice, I would be reciprocated with what I used to think was attitude and disrespect. Now I know, it’s the way he handles stress.

Instead of focusing on correction and correction and correcting more with little results, we became more intentional in connecting first which has built a very strong relationship. Having a strong relationship with my child matters for his psychological, emotional, and physical well-being. And for mine too.

I know we’re only hitting the very beginning stages of the adolescent years and his brain is getting ready to go through some serious changes, but I’m armed and ready with the knowledge that will hopefully continue to shape the way we parent.

To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

I see you. I understand. I feel you.

I know how your chest and hands feel when you see the school’s number pop up on your phone during school hours, even if it’s because a teacher wants to tell you something positive.

I know what it’s like to see your child’s heart and know she wants to do well, but yet, it not feel like that when she is in someone else’s care.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the one misbehaving and that sinking emotion of feeling like you are the one being sent to the principal’s office.

I know what it’s like when people think you’re “that crazy mom who thinks her child could do no wrong”. (Which by the way, I do NOT because believe me, I get frustrated and experience the behaviors, too, I just see the behaviors in a different light. One that is more helpful).

I know what it feels like to worry that if your child is treated (intentionally or unintentionally) like a bad kid he or she will become a bad kid.

I know what it’s like to feel sad when your child keeps getting in trouble.

I know what it’s like to want the best for your child.

I know what it’s like to think the teachers think you’re making excuses for your child because “he’s smart” and is “perfectly capable” of behaving better if he wanted to. (I have no idea if this is the truth, but this is the narrative I tell myself. And if they do think those thoughts, that’s great, but not the truth).

I know that in order for your child to learn, he needs to fail and make mistakes. And I know it can make you feel like a crappy parent.

I know what it feels like to allow mom guilt to eat away at you.

I know what it feels like to be verbally attacked because your child is misunderstood.

I know what it’s like to sit in the car and ugly cry while feeling hopeless.

But I also know what it’s like to champion your kid despite what others feel and see. I know that in order to advocate you need to walk the fine line of empowering and enabling. I know what it’s like to see the incredible compassionate kind heart underneath the surface and to see the resiliency forming and the grit emerging.

And that one day, your child will change the world if he or she sees himself through the same lens you and your husband do.

The Truth

My son will probably never color inside the lines and that is more than okay.

He has been fearfully, wonderfully, uniquely… and exceptionally made. Through his spirit, he has taught many people, I included, more than I could ever imagine about creativity, innovation, curiosity, humor, perspective and what it’s like to take risks.

He is more than his behavior.

Parenting isn’t easy, but with the right mindset and knowledge, we can push through what looks like a pile of weeds, vines and bushes and find the beauty within.

February 15, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 23 Comments

11 Ways To Build A Strong Parent-Child Relationship (Through Connection)

I posted a photo about connecting before correcting behavior on Facebook and got a comment from a mama who said, “I was so good at this in my classroom with other people’s kids, but with my own I am horrible. I truly want to be better but need help with how this looks at home.” “I’m sure this sounds so silly but [connection] is so different and difficult for me.” Not silly at all, my friend. It’s hard to find the right balance of discipline and connection that creates a strong parent-child relationship.

It has taken me years to get to the point where my focus is on the relationship with my kids, not necessarily if they do everything I ask in the amount of time I think they should do it in. Or if they obey perfectly.

Because the relationship is what will last. A strong parent-child relationship is what creates security. And when a child feels safe, he or she is able to take healthy risks, be creative and truly live to their full potential.

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

All humans are wired with a strong sense of needing to love and be loved.

When kids have a secure relationship with their parents, the foundation is being built for their behavior, values, personality, and traits.

Here are specific benefits to a strong and positive parent-child relationship:

These kinds of relationships lead to children being able to have healthy relationships from childhood through adulthood.
When kids feel safe and loved, they gain higher levels of confidence.
It increases self-esteem.
Children are able to develop much healthier cognitive, emotional and social skills.
A strong parent-child bond usually leads to that child being able to face adversity better and develop resilience.

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Strengthening your relationship with your kids can happen all the time from when you are spending quality time together and everyone is happy to the times when kids are disobeying and you’re about to lose your mind.

I divided this list of ways to connect with your child into two categories – before correction and during the other times you are intentionally spending time with your child.

Connection Before Correction

Experts say that kids should experience five positives to every one negative! Just as I talk about in this post about connecting before correcting behavior, kids will respond much better to discipline if they feel like you are on their side and understand them first.

How do we do this?

Keep in mind that every parent-child relationship is extremely unique due to personalities, culture and everything in between. You may have one child who loathes being touched when he’s mad and another who needs a hug when she’s sad. Do what works best for YOU and for your particular child you are connecting with.

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

Did you get that? Ha!

The caveat is to not over-empathize, but rather, give enough so your child knows you see and hear him or her. Validate those feelings!

Seriously though, let’s say my spouse is upset with something I did. I’m going to be far more receptive to actually listen to him without having a gazillion arguments in my head to shoot back IF he empathizes first. I want to know he understands my motive and my heart.

The same goes for our kids.

Honestly, they should get an extra hall pass because their prefrontal cortex where all the rational thought and good decision-making happens doesn’t fully develop until they are in their mid-twenties. Not that it’s an excuse to not be responsible for their actions, however, they may need some tools and skills to help them strengthen their neural pathways, which requires understanding from you.

When your son or daughter looks at you blankly after you asked, “Why in the world would you do that?” It’s not because they wanted to disobey, they probably truly do not know. The impulse control in their brain was probably temporarily shut off.

Empathy should be the go-to whenever your kids face any challenge. You don’t need to solve their problems, but instead, put yourself in their shoes and let them know you get it. For example, if your son comes home from school and is in tears because his teacher yelled at him, empathize with him before unpacking what happened.

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

Could you imagine having a person two feet taller than you looking down and correcting your every move? It would feel like you’re Jack and the Giant is peering down on you ready to stomp on you. Pretty intimidating, right?

Any time you need to correct behavior, before you do, get down on or below your child’s eye level and communicate comfort and safety. This could be a gentle hand on his or her shoulder, a nice smile or a hug.

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

Praise the Lord for my husband who often reminds me of this one. My go-to is to over-explain and do a dissertation of what just happened.

If a child is shut down including showing big feelings like anger, sadness or frustration, there is no reason to talk because they can’t process what you are saying. Instead, listen to what they have to say without judgment.

Psssst: Your child may need tools to help calm down. A calm down or “mad” box can be extremely helpful or you can download this free Calm Down Toolbox printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

4. Become a Sportscaster

This tool has been extremely useful in our house for both discipline and meaningful praise. It’s super easy and barely takes any thought from you. Simply repeat what you see just like a sportscaster does when explaining what’s going on during a game.

For example, “Johnny, I see that you just hit your sister. I see that you are very frustrated that she took your puzzle.” Pause and wait for Johnny to talk. If he doesn’t, then you can continue with empathy to figure out why he behaved in that way.

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

Now that you know how to connect with your child during discipline, let’s focus on building a strong relationship by being intentional with the time you spend together. Kids need to know you like them. Depending on the personality match, you may not understand your child, but it’s important that you find a way to truly enjoy being with him or her.

5. Play!

Kids learn through play. Okay, so playing tea party or superheroes may not be your cup of tea. And that’s okay!

Find an activity your child likes that you ALSO ENJOY doing.

For me, I can play board games all day long. There are instructions and rules to follow making it easy for me to have fun with my kids. Now, if you hand me a Nerf gun and tell me to pretend like I’m a bad guy, it’s not going to be enjoyable for me making it harder to make the kind of connection I want with my kids.

6. Quality One-On-One Time

There are many different names you can call this time with your child. In our family, we call it FOCUS Time which stands for Focus on Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together. Basically, we carve out one-on-one time to do something non-technology related so we can really enjoy each other’s company.

It has been our secret weapon to keeping sibling fights and misbehaviors down to a minimum. Because it can be hard to come up with ideas of what to do, I created a Quality Time Printable with 60+activities to do with your child.

7. Hug!

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” ~ Virginia Satir

As kids grow older, it may not be as natural to hug them or make sure they are receiving some positive touch throughout their day. However, studies show that this not only connects you but it also promotes better health.

Hugs are proven to have a plethora of benefits including increased immunity, better heart health, more feelings of happiness, reduced stress and fears, and boosted communication.

I heard Dr. Kelli Harding, author of The Rabbit Effect, say that research shows that a hug should be at least 20 seconds long to make kids healthier. My 10-year-old boy finds this quite awkward, however, he humors me!

8. Bedtime Bonding

With each of our boys, our bedtime ritual is one of my favorites. Although I’m tired, I intentionally turn off my to-do list and focus on being fully present, even if it’s for five minutes or less.

Read books, build a puzzle, tell stories, journal together or simply snuggle. This time doesn’t have to be very long. However, it will have a life-long impact on your child.

9. Eat Dinner Together

Growing up, my dad and stepmom did something that impacted me greatly. They made sure we had family dinner together every night. No matter what our sports schedules were like or how much they both worked, we sat together as a family and had a meal.

Family dinners have so many brain benefits amongst being good for the body and soul. Kids build bigger vocabularies, eat healthier and feel like they’re part of something bigger than themselves. This is where family culture can really bloom.

According to the Washington Post, “Researchers concluded that regular family dinners were associated with lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts. In a very recent study, kids who had been victims of cyberbullying bounced back more readily if they had regular family dinners.”

Last week during dinner, my husband randomly asked the boys what they wanted to be for Halloween even though it’s nine months away. We spent the next 15 minutes coming up with the funniest family costumes. There was so much laughter my heart could explode.

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

I wrote a long post about how saying, “Good job” to our kids over and over again can actually demotivate our kids. Instead, focus on giving effort-based praised and focus on how hard your children are working instead of how amazing they are to really build them up. Having support like this is a surefire way to create a strong parent-child connection.

Bonus: Download your free Encouragement Through Praise Printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

11. Disconnect to Connect

I’m super passionate about this one. Technology is both a blessing and truly a curse. It’s replacing eye contact, person-to-person interaction and the human connection that a developing brain needs.

I have been working on being fully present anytime I’m spending time with my boys. I didn’t even think I was on my phone that much until my toddler pointed it out. Ouch!

Not only will this model for my kids how to have a healthy relationship with technology, but it will allow us to work on our relationship with each other.

A great way to do limit the time we spend on technology is to keep your phone on the charger in a bedroom, turn off ALL sound notifications, or designate certain times or rooms in your house as no-phone zones.

And when technology is not present, we can truly savor our time together without interruptions.

Related: Why You Should Stop Buying Tech Toys For Your Kids According to Experts

The Reward

How do you envision your relationship with your children as they grow?

I had someone say to me once that for two-thirds of their children’s lives, they will know them as adults. This is, of course, if everyone lives a full life. They went on to say that they want to be good friends with their adult children. The way we get there is by working on the relationship now. Yes, parents are responsible for teaching kids the way they should go, instilling values, correcting behaviors and helping them make tough decisions, but this can all be done with connection in mind, not an iron fist.

A parent-child relationship doesn’t have to be one full of contention. Instead, it can be one that reaps great (positive) rewards.

Let’s Connect

I would love to CONNECT (see what I did there! Ha!) with you!!! Comment below and don’t forget to share this post by using the social share buttons. THANK YOU!

February 9, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 40 Comments

7 Attributes Kids Need to Build Resilience & Overcome Challenges

As parents, we spend so much time teaching manners, correcting behavior, providing ways to make our kids happy, maybe complaining about their behaviors and doing all the things, but why?! If you are like me and strive to raise good humans who can overcome challenges, love others and be interdependent, the absolute best way to do this is by helping our kids build resilience.

build resilience and overcome challenges

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Think of how you build a 1000-piece puzzle.

The first thing you do is find the corner and flat edge pieces to build the outer edges. The border represents the safe boundaries and limitations we need to set for our kids to live inside.

The next step is to look at the box as a reference as you sort the same colored pieces. The picture on the box is the map we give to our kids – the tools, skills, and ideas of how to live a fulfilling life.

Lastly, are the rest of the pieces. These bad boys belong to our children to move around and eventually connect. The act of picking up the pieces, figuring out how they fit together, learning how to overcome challenges, and making bold decisions all within the boundaries we set for them is how they develop resilience.

I did not make this analogy up but rather, recently heard it from Dr. Ken Ginsburg, Director of Programs at Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

It perfectly illustrates our role as parents that’s easy to remember so we can keep ourselves in check. We need to make sure the border isn’t missing any pieces and that we are allowing our kids to put the rest of the puzzle together regardless of how hard of a challenge.

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how kids build resilience and why it’s important, especially in parenting, I want to break down how stress affects the brain.

When a person faces a challenge, or adversity or experiences something hard, the brain interprets that as stress. All of the alerts and signals go out through neurotransmitters and biochemicals to prepare the body to be better, stronger, and more capable. However, this process is intended to be very short-term.

If the brain continues to release those biochemicals including cortisol and adrenaline, the immune and other systems in the body and brain begin to weaken. This is why when we are under a ton of stress, we often get sick or get a massive headache that won’t go away. That’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay, we need to gain control here!”

What also happens is that the prefrontal cortex, also known as the command center or thinker part of the brain, essentially turns off. That’s not a good thing because this is the part of the brain that needs to be activated in order to make rational decisions, organize thoughts and actions, think creatively, and regulate emotions.

The prefrontal cortex brings calm to the chaos.

When a child (who will later become an adult) can develop resilience, this means that he or she is able to overcome challenges, recover from stress, and turn his or her prefrontal cortex back on quicker and more efficiently.

It’s pretty stinking cool!

The more that this happens, the stronger those neural pathways become, resulting in our kids being able to adapt to, recover from, and resolve conflict, failure,e or other forms of stress. Booyah!

What Is Resilience?

Children need to be able to cope with change and overcome challenges.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard situations, manage stress, solve problems, and recover from failure.

In today’s society, it seems to be very common for parents to bubblewrap their kids by over-protecting, over-involving themselves, and doing way too much. I say, parents, which includes me! There’s no shame in that! I think the reason stems from an enormous amount of love mixed with social conformity and a need for control.

However (you knew that was coming, right?!), what this bubble wrap is doing is keeping our kids’ brains from being able to manage stress, overcome challenges, and make their own choices.

Most parents would say that they want their kids to be happy. I often hear moms saying they want to give their kids “the world”. The absolute best way to do this is to help them develop resilience! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

Typically if a child develops resiliency, he or she will grow up as an adult who is ABLE to handle stress, challenges, failures, and whatever other lemons are thrown at them. Or is it lemons that are given to them?! Anyhoo, when children are able to develop the ability to be resilient, research has shown that they are able to make braver choices, be curious and creative, and most importantly, create a bigger wave of positivity in this world.

According to The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, kids who build resilience develop more positive relationships, healthy brain development, and better self-regulation skills.

Instead of focusing on the specific strategies and things you can do to teach kids resilience, I wanted to unpack the attributes Dr. Ken Ginsburg calls the 7 Essential C’s of Building Resilience.

1. Competence

All humans have a need to feel competent.

Innately, children want to not only know how to do something but also experience it for themselves. In The Self-Driven Child, the authors call competence an internal barometer of accomplishment.

Competence is more than just kids believing in their own abilities, but rather, actually taking action and living out those abilities.

For some reason, a lot of parents often lean towards doing most tasks for their kids. This may be because they fear failure, they think this is what a parent’s role is, or because it’s quicker, easier, and faster. However, when this happens, parents are stripping away their children’s ability to be able to handle situations on their own and gain a sense of accomplishment.

A great way to help kids become competent is to focus on their strengths instead of deficits in everything they do including the choices they make, behaviors they display, the way they solve problems, and how they treat others.

2. Confidence

When kids feel competent…drum roll, please…confidence develops.

According to Fostering Resilience, “Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special or precious. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges.”

This kind of confidence comes from kids knowing that they have an adult really believing in them. And this isn’t the adult saying, “Good job” until he or she is blue in the face. Instead, it’s when parents encourage their children to work harder and are there to talk with and walk through challenges.

Bonus! Sign up for my newsletter and receive free strength-based printables with phrases that encourage kids through effort-based praise instead of empty praise AND a worksheet that helps you figure out your child’s strengths so you can build upon them.

overcoming challenges through mother son connection

3. Connection

If you’ve been around me in person or online, you know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of connection. If our kids feel connected to us first, everything else falls in line and parenting doesn’t have to feel so stinking hard.

If kids feel like they are seen, safe, and heard, they are more likely to make better choices, be creative, and take risks.

Connections made with not only parents but also community members, friends, extended family, teachers, and coaches show kids that they really matter. That life is worth living.

Then, a sense of security is created that later becomes the prevention of more harmful or destructive choices in life for a myriad of reasons.

4. Character

Kids need to understand and gain a sense of what is right and wrong. Regardless of what your individual family’s values are, it’s important that your kids know them and more importantly, see you living those values out.

Although your kids’ beliefs may change, being part of a family that has a strong sense of who they are is powerful. It provides the backbone for his or her character. A great time to reiterate your beliefs and values is during family meetings.

How your kids act when you’re not around is a good indicator of their character. If the way they behave away from you doesn’t fall in line with your family’s values, take some time to do character-building.

One of my favorite ways we have done this is by teaching our kids how to have a strong sense of gratitude. Sometimes they still appear as if they are ungrateful children, but for the most part, they are thankful for all the blessings in their lives.

5. Contribution

Something magical happens when children realize the world is a better place because they are part of it!

Take a look at how most schools motivate kids. They resort to physical rewards like stickers, treasure box items, and other empty verbal praise. However, the research shows that these extrinsic motivators actually can demotivate kids because once they’re gone, there is no reason to keep engaging in that behavior. Also, some kids may feel like they will never receive those rewards so they don’t bother trying. We have seen that time and time again with our boys.

Instead, the focus should be getting kids to intrinsically motivate themselves from the inside out. When a child begins to understand the importance of personal contribution, he or she can truly find their purpose. And when anyone has a sense of purpose, motivation to do better comes naturally and is there to stay.

Lastly, contribution isn’t just about giving but also helping kids to learn how to be good receivers as well.

build resilience in kids by giving them life skills

6. Coping Skills

All people need to learn how to effectively cope with and work through stress. If not, it becomes too much for the body and brain. This is why emotion coaching is so important. Kids need to know it’s healthy to express emotions but then know how to manage those emotions.

Coping skills include the choices that someone makes to overcome challenges. Do they resort to negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to bandaid their feelings or do they have another way to work through those problems?

This is such a gift all parents can give their kids. Not all things work out the way we want them to so we need to have a Plan B, C, and sometimes even D!

7. Control

I see this as a culprit for contention in parent-child relationships all the time!

Every human is born with a sense of needing to have control over their own lives. However, a lot of parents misinterpret their role of being responsible for their kids. They feel the need to fully control their kid’s choices, behaviors, and actions.

When children have control over their own lives, they know that when a challenge arises, they have the power to bounce back. Powerful, right?

Ginsburg says, “A young person who feels ‘everything always happens to me’ tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. He sees control as external—whatever he does really doesn’t matter because he has no control of the outcome.” [source]

When we look at it that way, it makes handing over the reins to our kids a little easier. Again, as long as we still have the boundaries and limitations in place to protect their choices and guide them in the way they should go.

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

In order for our children to build resilience, we must be intentional. Instead of jumping to reactive mode, take time to connect with your child first and let them know you believe in them. Support the decisions your kids make and give them the opportunity to build their masterpiece puzzle within the flat edge pieces you build around them.

The more they work on all of these skills, the easier it will be for them to pick themselves up every time they get knocked down.

January 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 76 Comments

7 Ways Kids Can Develop Self-Awareness Skills (That Also Help With Kindness & Empathy!)

We were having a heck of a time with one of our kids until he started to develop self-awareness skills. Having a differently wired brain, he is developmentally delayed in empathy and understanding other people especially compared to other kids his age. He would get extremely explosive. As you can imagine, it started to take a toll on him and our whole family. We did everything we could to help him manage his big feelings.

Recently, I decided to teach him about his brain.

I’m not really sure what took me so long because learning facts is his jam. Earlier in the year, we read a Science Comics Book about the brain that we both loved, but I never thought of using that information to help him become aware of his emotions and actions.

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The day after he learned the hand model of the brain, he became aware of his big emotions and stopped all of his anger right in its tracks. Ever since he has been able to self-regulate much quicker.

Pssst: Does your child struggle with big emotions? Download this free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What is Self-Awareness?

Simply put, it’s becoming aware of one’s self.

For children, it’s important that we teach self-awareness skills such as knowing how their strengths, weaknesses, and personality affect their choices and the way they treat the people in their lives. When the child is receptive, it’s much easier for empathy to develop as he or she can better understand others. This then typically trickles down to being more kind.

Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

When kids are self-aware, they are able to understand themselves in relation to the world around them. Besides learning who they are as a person, self-awareness helps them dig a little deeper to decode how their emotions impact what they do.

Here are many benefits of self-awareness:

Higher levels of emotional intelligence
The ability to empathize, be more compassionate and kind
Better communication and listening skills
Critical thinking skills
The ability to make better decisions
Stronger relationships
Better leadership skills

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills

There are many ways to teach self-awareness, however, these are what I found to be the most effective ways.

1. Learn From You!

As in anything with parenting, our kids’ behaviors and actions begin with us! We cannot expect our children to do something when we do the opposite. They learn far more from our actions than our words.

I was just listening to Brene Brown’s, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting where she tells a story of her daughter calling herself an idiot for doing something wrong. She explained to her daughter that calling herself those names was unhelpful and led to shame. She then discussed other ways to work through that situation. But then while Brene was cooking spaghetti, she dropped the sauce spoon making a huge mess. As she picked up the spoon she said out loud, “I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid?” She then presents this question: What is a more powerful message? I’ll let you answer that one!

When it comes to teaching kids self-awareness skills, it’s important to model self-awareness yourself.

Use everyday moments to show your children how you handle situations.
When you are experiencing big emotions like anger or frustration, talk about those feelings and what you are planning on doing to overcome them.
Give yourself a calm-down time when the big feelings become overwhelming. It’s not uncommon for me to tell my kids, “I am getting very upset right now, so I’m going to leave the room and come back when I’m calm.”
Take time for yourself and let your kids see that you spend time processing life, praying or practicing mindfulness.

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2. Learn How To Express Feelings

It has taken some time, but teaching my kids how to use “I” statements along with “Bug and a Wish” has been extremely helpful in developing their self-awareness skills.

“I” Statements

Help your children understand how the outside world and their external experiences affect their internal state. You do this by teaching them to use this statement:

“I feel _____(emotion)_____ when _____(the cause of the feeling)_____.”

For example, “I feel mad when you hit the back of my head.” By revealing the cause of the big feeling, your kids will have a better understanding of what they can do to make them feel better.

Bug and a Wish

This little trick comes from Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline. You teach your kids to say,

“It bugs me when _____(what the other person did)_____, I wish you would _____(the action you would like for that person to take)_____.”

For this phrase, we did need to create parameters such as no name-calling and that it needs to be genuine. When used correctly, it not only helps the other person understand what is going on, but it also gives the child saying the statement a deeper understanding of his or her own feelings.

teaching self-awareness skills through expressing feelings

3. Become Effective Problem Solvers

Another way kids can learn self-awareness skills is by coming up with solutions to their own problems.

Oftentimes when kids face a predicament, they look to us to fix it and we often do. Instead of jumping in to rescue our kids especially because the emotions are too much to handle, let your child work it out. This doesn’t mean you leave your kids in the wilderness to forge food for themselves but rather give them the tools needed.

Big Life Journals has many GREAT resources that are broken down by ages and stages that help you teach problem-solving skills to your children.

Here are some simple tips that teach kids how to tackle their own problems and how to be aware of their feelings through the process:

Help your kids learn how to pause before reacting (or over-reacting) to identify what the problem is.
Ask your kids to show you the hard part. By breaking it down, your kids will be able to process why they can’t come to a solution. Then with your guidance, they will be able to solve it themselves.
Use your child’s favorite characters by asking, “What would (insert characters such as Daniel Tiger or Harry Potter) do in this situation?”
Teach your kids how to come up with a few solutions right away. If they really can’t think of anything, give them a few options.
Become your child’s emotion coach by naming and validating their feelings, helping them process their emotions, and brainstorming solutions.

When kids can come up with their own solutions to problems, it allows them to be self-aware so they don’t have to rely on you.

4. Gain Estimation and Prediction Skills

This one is probably not something you typically think of when it comes to developing self-awareness skills in kids. However, it’s a great skill to learn especially with those who have executive functioning challenges.

Before doing something such as playing a game, doing homework, attending an event, performing in a sport or taking a test, have your kids predict how they will do.

timers help kids learn time management skills

Slowly, they will get a better sense of time and not drive you crazy when you’re trying to get out the door while they decide to start a new project that takes an hour instead of two minutes.

You can start simply by estimating how easy or difficult a task is before starting it. Having your kids gauge their own abilities so that they can later self-reflect is a great way to help them develop self-awareness skills in all areas of their lives.

5. Become Empathic

In our house, we have found that one of our kids was born altruistic and empathy comes naturally to him. Whereas, another son has needed to be taught.

Typically when a child can understand him or herself, understanding others becomes easier. However, I think empathy can also teach self-awareness skills, especially for kids who struggle with looking inward. They can use how others feel and act to reveal their own emotions and behaviors.

Gratitude also goes hand in hand with empathy and self-awareness. I created a Gratitude Toolkit for Kids to help them develop these skills. You can download it here!

6. Doing Self-Reflection

Every night before bed, my son and I take less than five minutes to write in his One Question a Day for Kids Journal. Every day has a prompt to help him self-reflect about his day, interests, or experiences. It also gets him to think about who he wants to become (not just what he wants to become!). My other son works on his Big Life Journal weekly which focuses on self-reflection as well as a growth mindset.

Self-reflection is the act of setting aside time every day to look at yourself as a person and whatever roles you fill. For example, with my sons, their self-reflection time acknowledges their lives as brothers, students, friends, sons, and energetic boys!

Reflecting back on how the day went is a great way for kids to dig deeper into who they are and who they are becoming.

7. Understand Their Own Brain

I ended with this one because it’s MY FAVORITE!

Surprisingly, this is not a common tip that comes up when searching for ways to teach kids self-awareness skills. However, as I mentioned in the opening story, it has been life-changing for my son to understand himself and understand others.

I wonder what people out in public think when they hear him telling me that his three-year-old brother’s amygdala needs to calm down. Ha!

However, this has been a strategy to help him understand his brother’s underdeveloped brain and why he goes from happy to sad to angry to mean within one minute.

The Hand Model of The Brain

A great way to teach kids about their brains is by using the hand model which comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s books, Parenting From the Inside Out and The Whole-Brain Child.

The thumb represents the amygdala which is the part of the brain that reacts when it perceives a threat, even if it’s only stress instead of actual danger. Explain there is no thought when this part of the brain is activated. It causes a person to react resulting in developing strong emotions such as anger, sadness or fear.

The fingers then represent the prefrontal cortex. It’s the “thinker” part of our brains. This is where organized thought, self-regulation, and focus are found.

When we are in a calm state, the brain is in a “fist” mode as the prefrontal cortex (the fingers) is gently resting on top of the amygdala (the thumb) allowing the person to think clearly.

As soon as the child perceives a threat that could be not getting his or her way, being told, “no”, getting hurt or even being unable to get a toy to work, the fingers open up causing the amygdala to be in charge. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping the lid”.

I explained to my son that when this happens, his stress response is triggered causing him to go into fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode. I then asked him which of those he thinks his go-to is and he immediately responded with, “FIGHT!”

Growth Mindset

One more layer of teaching kids about their brains is to talk about how they are wired for GROWTH! Discuss the growth mindset thinking versus fixed mindset to help expand their abilities and learning capabilities.

Self-Awareness Can Make a BIG Difference

Helping your children become self-aware can affect the way they live in this world. Self-awareness improves self-esteem, allows kids to become good problem solvers, helps them to recognize and correct mistakes, helps them become empathic, develops a growth mindset, and cultivates resiliency.

In conclusion, kids develop self-awareness skills by:

Learning from you and other important adults in their lives.
Learning how to express feelings.
Becoming effective problem solvers.
Gaining estimation and prediction skills.
Becoming empathic towards others.
Doing self-reflection every day.
Understanding their own brain.

What Are Your Thoughts on Self-awareness?

I’d love to know how you teach self-awareness to your kids. Are they self-aware of their actions, thoughts, and feelings?

If you think this could benefit someone in your life, it would mean the world to me if you shared it…simply use the buttons below!

Parents’ Concerns About Kids Returning to School

Teachers’ Concerns About These Uncertain Times

Parents And Teachers Are Worried

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The Scary Truth

What Can Parents Do?

Communicating With Kids About Going Back to School and All of The Changes

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Fostering Resilience

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Choosing the Best Schooling Option

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Coping Skills For Kids

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Encourage More Parents!

Is making an effort to be around people of color enough?

What Does It Mean To Be An Anti-Racist?

How To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

1. Educate Yourself

2. Talk About Race and Racism

How To Talk About Racism to Kids

3. Read Books Together

4. Teach Your Child How to Listen

5. Support People of Color and Other Races

6. Diversify Your Friend Group

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Why Are My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy?!

How I Get My Kids to Stop Driving Me Crazy

1. I Get Crazy!

Laugh

Dance

Tell Puns and Jokes

Become an Animal

2. I Practice Mindfulness

3. I Become One With Nature

4. I Tap Out

Discovering What’s Driving You Crazy

Next Time Before I Scream

Rupture and Repair

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

1. Calm Down

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

On The Laundry Room Floor

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Siblings Who Fight Constantly Can Be Linked to Poor Mental Health

7 Reasons Siblings Fight

1. Development

3 General Stages That Impact Siblings Fighting:

2. Self-Regulation Development

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3. Personality

4. How Fighting Is Modeled