Raising Kids With Purpose

Creating a Strong Family Culture

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What I Wish I Knew as a Mom To a Very High Energy Toddler

No joke. When my first son was very young, I scoured as many parenting book indexes to find information on what to do with a high energy toddler. When I couldn’t find “high energy”, I would scan the “C” section to see if I could find, “Crazy Toddler!”

I never found either in any book. Womp. Womp.

As a first time mom, I had already read the typical advice offered to discipline children. The positive discipline and positive parenting tactics worked great when it came to following instructions and sleeping at night.

He listened (fairly well), had very kind intentions, seemed to have an advanced understanding of differences in other children and wanted to do well.

However, he literally bounced off the walls and acted CRAZY!! People will sometimes compare kids to the Energizer Bunny, well my high energy toddler would give that bunny a run for its money! **I did get his permission to share this. He has seen the videos and concurs.

high energy toddler can be exhausting

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I had heard that boys had a ton of energy. I accepted that, but this was far more than I ever thought was possible. When he was two and three, he would literally run as fast as he could into the wall to see if he could knock himself out. I watched my little brother grow up, but he was quite docile. This was new territory for me!

Without understanding what behavior was or that brains could be differently wired, I really had no starting point to make sense of what was happening inside the walls of my house.

One day when my husband was out of town, I had a pivotal moment. My son was getting a shower throwing water everywhere, grabbing his brother, yelling on top of his lungs and completely out of control. He was happy, but yet, had zero control over his actions.

I sat on the toilet with this thought…

“I quit motherhood.”

really sad mom

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

As my son grew, started school and we learned more about how his brain was wired, a lot of things started to make sense.

If you find yourself in the same boat of not knowing what to do with your overly active hyper, maybe sometimes crazy child, here are some things I wish I would have known that may help you.

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

First and foremost, I think reading The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson should be a prerequisite to becoming a parent. I’m telling you, this book does such an incredible job explaining what is happening in your child’s brain in a very practical easy-to-digest way.

Basically, the brain works best when it’s integrated which means all the parts are working together in a balanced way. Kids need to use their right emotional brain WITH their left logical brain in order to live a meaningful, creative, balanced and fulfilling life.

We can help our kids do this first by connecting our right brain state to their own right brain state to their right brain state. Then once they are calm, it’s time to bring in the rational thought and logic to make sense of their behaviors.

From reading the book, I was also able to fully grasp the difference between the upstairs thinker brain and downstairs reactive brain.

When kids have access to their prefrontal cortex (which doesn’t fully develop until they are in their late 20’s!), they can think clearly, make good decisions, understand the consequences for poor choices, be creative and all the things. When they are acting out of their downstairs brain, it can get a little chaotic.

Dr. Siegel explains all of this in a way that is so relevant to parents. When kids are in a reactive state where they are angry, sad, frustrated or out of control, a baby gate is slammed shut at the bottom of the steps stopping any access to the upstairs brain. As parents, we need to open that baby gate by connecting with our child and getting him or her to calm down.

When I had a crazy high energy toddler on my hands, all I needed to do was get on his level, connect with him, name what was going on and get him connected to his upstairs brain so he could act like a calm human again.

How to Look Underneath the Surface

Behavior is communication. No matter how a child is acting, he or she is communicating with you.

Underneath every unwanted behavior is usually an unmet need.

Although my son wasn’t disobeying or making poor choices, there was a reason he was running full speed into the wall.

How a child acts on the outside is like the tip of the iceberg poking out of the water. It’s what is underneath the surface that gives us insight as to where the behavior is coming from.

behavior management iceberg

For my high energy toddler, it was a sensory need. I still don’t have a full understanding of the proprioceptive system and sensory output versus input, but what I do know is some kids have challenges with responding to information that comes through their senses.

He had a need that required him to want movement and physical contact. It’s what is called sensory seeking. Here are signs to look out for:

  • Touches everything!
  • Is very physical and prefers to play rough (although the intent may not be to hurt)
  • Is clumsy or always falling
  • Has a high tolerance for pain
  • Squirms and fidgets a lot – it seems like he or she never stops moving!

Yep, this pretty much sums up my son as a toddler.

If I had this knowledge, I could have created more structure to his day with routines and given him tools to calm down (like in my calm down kit!).

I also wish I would have known about other outlets that we have found that work to fulfill his sensory needs such as fidgets, a weighted blanket, squeezy balls, mazes, joint compressions, a trampoline or anything else that allowed him to get energy out in a safe way. My friend, Julie, has a GREAT list of activities for kids to get the proprioceptive and vestibular sensory input they need.

Read Next: Routines for Kids: How They Work and & How To Create Your Own

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

I knew every kid was unique and special. I mean, I had a whole unit on it in 5th, 6th and 7th Grade! However, I had no idea there was something called asynchronous development or neurodiversity.

There is the neurotypical brain that develops at a certain rate compared to other brains the same age. All the milestones and neural connections are in “sync”. Then there is the neurodiverse brain that may be advanced in some areas and behind in others so the development is uneven in intellectual, physical and emotional development. This is a trait found in gifted children. The higher the IQ, the more out of sync these areas of development tend to be.

This is where it gets tricky with doctors and schools because the systems, at least in our culture in the U.S.. are set up for neurotypical kids.

So here I was asking for help wondering why in the world my son could make the coolest creations out of paper and take any kind of electronic apart and put it back together (at age THREE!) and do math in his head, but yet he could not control his emotions, body or actions as well as other kids his age. The only answer I would get from professionals was to make sure I kept him safe. And that alone was no easy task!

Simply by understanding that he was not on the same level as his peers or who is teachers and doctors were comparing him to, I could have helped him in a bigger way. Instead of feeling like I wanted to quit motherhood, I could have provided ways to help my high energy toddler develop the skills in the areas he was developmentally behind in.

high energy toddlers struggle with self regulation

Connection is More Important Than Correction

When my son was little, I joined a lot of mommy groups! The common topic discussed was how to get our toddlers and preschoolers to listen! How do we get our kids to do what we want when we want them to do something.

Wow! Has my perspective changed!! And for the better! I don’t have to stress out so much. I could have prevented so many frustrating moments back when I was that first-time mom seeking out these kinds of answers.

What would have been helpful was to learn how to connect before I corrected my child’s behavior. Most of the time, it wasn’t even “wrong” behavior but rather, too much craziness and hyperactivity that I couldn’t handle.

It’s that simple. Instead of having to count to three or five or fifty, give time outs or do whatever other advice I found, all I needed to do was learn how my high energy toddler liked to connect. He still prefers a hug, eye contact, and affirmations.

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

Lastly, I didn’t really take care of myself. Instead, I put all my energy and effort into chasing after a crazy high energy toddler! How in the world could I have time to focus on myself?

What I found as my kids got older is when I focus on self-care every day (not just Sundays!), I have a whole lot more to give. Self-care doesn’t have to be this long day at the spa. Instead, it can be squeezing in a workout, spending time with friends, reading the Bible and praying, or heck, taking a shower and actually blow drying your hair! Some of these were extremely hard to do with a very high energy toddler running around screaming, but I should have made them a priority!

If you struggle with self-care, check out my free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter.

self care ebook

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A Note To The Mama With a High Energy Toddler (Who May Be Driving You a Little Bonker Balls)

I want to tell you that I can relate. Seriously, if you don’t know where to turn and you’re struggling to help calm your child, CONTACT ME! I’d love to chat and help you figure out what’s under the surface.

Also, I’m here to let you know that it can get better. Stay focused on connecting with your child regardless of how tired he or she makes you feel and the rewards will be more than you could ever imagine.

What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Here is the condensed version of what I could have done differently and what I ended up changing as my son got older. Knowledge is power!

  1. Get on your child’s level (or below eye contact if they’re not too low to the ground!), connect with him or her, and name it to tame it.
  2. Provide outlets for your active child to get all the wiggles out! Don’t repress the movement! Use sensory toys, encourage playing outside, running, jumping, use a weighted blanket or do joint compressions at night.
  3. Reframe your thinking about how your child should be acting. Look at his or her brain wiring, interests and developmental milestones compared only to your child, not other kids the same age.
  4. Connect before you correct. Every time!

PS: If you don’t know what “bonker balls” is referencing to, then you are missing out and must check out the best podcast ever for kids. Shhhh, I even listen when I’m without my kids!!

Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

Are you currently in the toddler stage and don’t know what to do with all of your toddler’s energy? Or are you past that phase, but your child is still bouncing off the walls? I hope these tips help! If you know other moms who this information will benefit, please feel free to share!!! Click on the share buttons below.

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7 Ways Kids Can Develop Self-Awareness Skills (That Also Help With Kindness & Empathy!)

We were having a heck of a time with one of our kids until he started to develop self-awareness skills. Having a differently wired brain, he is developmentally delayed in empathy and understanding other people especially compared to other kids his age. He would get extremely explosive. As you can imagine, it started to take a toll on him and our whole family. We did everything we could to help him manage his big feelings.

Recently, I decided to teach him about his brain.

I’m not really sure what took me so long because learning facts is his jam. Earlier in the year, we read a Science Comics Book about the brain that we both loved, but I never thought of using that information to help him become aware of his emotions and actions.

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The day after he learned the hand model of the brain, he became aware of his big emotions and stopped all of his anger right in its tracks. Ever since he has been able to self regulate much quicker.

Pssst: Does your child struggle with big emotions? Download this free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What is Self-Awareness?

Simply put, it’s becoming aware of one’s self.

For children, it’s important that we teach self-awareness skills such as knowing how their strengths, weaknesses, and personality affects their choices and the way they treat the people in their lives. When the child is receptive, it’s much easier for empathy to develop as he or she can then better understand others. This then typically trickles down to being more kind.

Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

When kids are self-aware, they are able to understand themselves in relation to the world around them. Besides learning who they are as a person, self-awareness helps them dig a little deeper to decode how their emotions impact what they do.

Here are many benefits of self-awareness:

  • Higher levels of emotional intelligence
  • The ability to empathize, be more compassionate and kind
  • Better communication and listening skills
  • Critical thinking skills
  • The ability to make better decisions
  • Stronger relationships
  • Better leadership skills

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills

There are many ways to teach self-awareness, however, these are what I found to be the most effective ways.

model appropriate behavior to your kids

1. Learn From You!

As in anything with parenting, our kids’ behaviors and actions begin with us! We cannot expect our children to do something when we do the opposite. They learn far more from our actions than our words.

I was just listening to Brene Brown’s, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting where she tells a story of her daughter calling herself an idiot for doing something wrong. She explained to her daughter that calling herself those names was unhelpful and lead to shame. She then discussed other ways to work through that situation. But then while Brene was cooking spaghetti, she dropped the sauce spoon making a huge mess. As she picked up the spoon she said out loud, “I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid?” She then presents this question: What is a more powerful message? I’ll let you answer that one!

When it comes to teaching kids self-awareness skills, it’s important to model self-awareness yourself.

  • Use everyday moments to show your children how you handle situations.
  • When you are experiencing big emotions like anger or frustration, talk about those feelings and what you are planning on doing to overcome them.
  • Give yourself calm-down time when the big feelings become overwhelming. It’s not uncommon for me to tell my kids, “I am getting very upset right now, so I’m going to leave the room and come back when I’m calm.”
  • Take time for yourself and let your kids see that you spend time processing life, praying or practicing mindfulness.

For You! Grab my Free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter here!

2. Learn How To Express Feelings

It has taken some time, but teaching my kids how to use “I” statements along with “Bug and a Wish” has been extremely helpful in developing their self-awareness skills.

“I” Statements

Help your children understand how the outside world and their external experiences affect their internal state. You do this by teaching them to use this statement:

“I feel _____(emotion)_____ when _____(the cause of the feeling)_____.”

For example, “I feel mad when you hit the back of my head.” By revealing the cause of the big feeling, your kids will have a better understanding of what they can do to make them feel better.

Bug and a Wish

This little trick comes from Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline. You teach your kids to say,

“It bugs me when _____(what the other person did)_____, I wish you would _____(the action you would like for that person to take)_____.”

For this phrase, we did need to create parameters such as no name-calling and that it needs to be genuine. When used correctly, it not only helps the other person understand what is going on, but it also gives the child saying the statement a deeper understanding of his or her own feelings.

teaching self-awareness skills through expressing feelings

3. Become Effective Problem Solvers

Another way kids can learn self-awareness skills is by coming up with solutions to their own problems.

Oftentimes when kids face a predicament, they look at us to fix it and we often do. Instead of jumping in to rescue our kids especially because the emotions are too much to handle, let your child work it out. This doesn’t mean you leave your kids in the wilderness to forge food for themselves, but rather give them the tools needed.

Big Life Journals has many GREAT resources that are broken down by ages and stages that help you teach problem-solving skills to your children.

Here are some simple tips that teach kids how to tackle their own problems and how to be aware of their feelings through the process:

  • Help your kids learn how to pause before reacting (or over-reacting) to identify what the problem is.
  • Ask your kids to show you the hard part. By breaking it down, your kids will be able to process why they can’t come to a solution. Then with your guidance, they will be able to solve it themselves.
  • Use your child’s favorite characters by asking, “What would (insert characters such as Daniel Tiger or Harry Potter) do in this situation?”
  • Teach your kids how to come up with a few solutions right away. If they really can’t think of anything, give them a few options.
  • Become your child’s emotion coach by naming and validating their feelings, help them process their emotions and brainstorm solutions.

When kids can come up with their own solutions to problems, it allows them to be self-aware so they don’t have to rely on you.

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timers help kids learn time management skills

4. Gain Estimation and Prediction Skills

This one is probably not something you typically think of when it comes to developing self-awareness skills in kids. However, it’s a great skill to learn especially with those who have executive functioning challenges.

Before doing something such as play a game, do homework, attend an event, perform in a sport or take a test, have your kids predict how they will do.

Slowly, they will get a better sense of time and not drive you crazy when you’re trying to get out the door while they decide to start a new project that takes an hour instead of two minutes.

You can start simply by estimating how easy or difficult a task is before starting it. Having your kids gauge their own abilities that they can later self-reflect is a great way to help them develop self-awareness skills in all areas of their lives.

Teach kids hwo to express emotions

5. Become Empathic

In our house, we have found that one of our kids was born altruistic and empathy comes naturally to him. Whereas, another son has needed to be taught.

Typically when a child can understand him or herself, understanding others becomes easier. However, I think empathy can also teach self-awareness skills especially for kids who struggle with looking inward. They can use how others feel and act to reveal their own emotions and behaviors.

Gratitude also goes hand in hand with empathy and self-awareness. I created a Gratitude Toolkit for Kids to help them develop these skills. You can download it here!

6. Doing Self-Reflection

Every night before bed, my son and I take less than five minutes to write in his One Question a Day for Kids Journal. Every day has a prompt to help him self-reflect about his day, interests or experiences. It also gets him to think about who he wants to become (not just what he wants to become!). My other son works on his Big Life Journal weekly which focuses on self-reflection as well as a growth mindset.

Self-reflection is the act of setting aside time every day to look at yourself as a person and whatever roles you fill. For example, with my sons, their self-reflection time acknowledges their lives as brothers, students, friends, sons and energetic boys!

Reflecting back on how the day went is a great way for kids to dig deeper into who they are and who they are becoming.

Teach kids how the brain works

7. Understand Their Own Brain

I ended with this one because it’s MY FAVORITE!

Surprisingly, this is not a common tip that comes up when searching for ways to teach kids self-awareness skills. However, as I mentioned in the opening story, it has been life-changing for my son to understand himself and understand others.

I wonder what people out in public think when they hear him telling me that his three-year-old brother’s amygdala needs to calm down. Ha!

However, this has been a strategy to help him understand his brother’s underdeveloped brain and why he goes from happy to sad to angry to mean within one minute.

The Hand Model of The Brain

A great way to teach kids about their brains is by using the hand model which comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s books, Parenting From the Inside Out and The Whole-Brain Child.

the hand model of the brain

The thumb represents the amygdala which is the part of the brain that reacts when it perceives a threat, even if it’s only stress instead of actual danger. Explain there is no thought when this part of the brain is activated. It causes a person to react resulting in developing strong emotions such as anger, sadness or fear.

The fingers then represent the prefrontal cortex. It’s the “thinker” part of our brains. This is where organized thought, self-regulation, and focus are found.

When we are in a calm state, the brain is in a “fist” mode as the prefrontal cortex (the fingers) are gently resting on top of the amygdala (the thumb) allowing the person to think clearly.

As soon as the child perceives a threat that could be not getting his or her way, being told, “no”, getting hurt or even being unable to get a toy to work, the fingers open up causing the amygdala to be in charge. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping the lid”.

self-awareness skills

I explained to my son that when this happens, his stress response is triggered causing him to go into fight, flight, freeze or faint mode. I then asked him which of those he thinks his go-to is and he immediately responded with, “FIGHT!”

Growth Mindset

One more layer of teaching kids about their brains is to talk about how they are wired for GROWTH! Discuss the growth mindset thinking versus fixed mindset to help expand their abilities and learning capabilities.

Self-Awareness Can Make a BIG Difference

Helping your children become self-aware can affect the way they live in this world. Self-awareness improves self-esteem, allows kids to become good problem solvers, helps them to recognizes and correct mistakes, helps them become empathic, develops a growth mindset and cultivates resiliency.

In conclusion, kids develop self-awareness skills by:

  1. Learning from you and other important adults in their lives.
  2. Learning how to express feelings.
  3. Becoming effective problem solvers.
  4. Gaining estimation and prediction skills.
  5. Becoming empathic towards others.
  6. Doing self-reflection every day.
  7. Understanding their own brain.

What Are Your Thoughts on Self Awareness?

I’d love to know how you teach self-awareness to your kids. Are they self-aware of their actions, thoughts, and feelings?

If you think this could benefit someone in your life, it would mean the world to me if you shared it…simply use the buttons below!

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How to Help Your Anxious Child at Christmas Time

My little brother is seven years younger than I am. When he was around three or four, the Christmas season caused him to become an anxious child. Because of his personality, there were one too many completely innocent “Santa-is-watching-you’s” amongst other stressors my parents were completely unaware of until he couldn’t control his emotions.

Eventually, they had one of “Santa’s elves” (pre-Elf on the Shelf Days!) bring him a special early Christmas surprise. I remember being just as excited even though I personally knew the elf {*wink*wink*}.

We tiptoed down the basement stairs together to find a Power Wheels Quad. Knowing that he wasn’t actually bad helped his anxiety dissipate.

anxious child at Christmas

This post may contain affiliate links. See my disclosure policy here. 

As parents, we don’t intentionally add extra stress to our kids during the holidays. But if you think about it, there is pressure for them to behave well.

Pressure During Christmas

“You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout I’m telling you why…” 

Think about those lyrics. And if that’s not enough, in most homes there is now even an elf that is always watching AND reporting back to Santa. 

Where does it end?!!!! Ahhhhhh! 

I’m totally kidding! I just like being dramatic. 

I’m not anti-Santa or anti-elf, because we are all about Santa in this house. 

anxious child at christmas sitting with santa

As I get into what we can do to help our kids with their holiday anxiety, I wouldn’t suggest forcing your older child to sit on Santa’s lap. Ahem, like we did. Toddlers are free game though, right? Totally joking!!! We did make sure he was okay afterward in which he gave Santa a big high five. He just didn’t want to sit on or near him. That’s fair.

In the past, we always had an elf but have decided he is more useful staying at the North Pole to help Santa because it was causing way too much stress on our kids. We told them that they could create a landing pad anywhere in the house if they wanted the elf to come – giving them full control of the decision.

One of our boys has Generalized Anxiety, which manifests into angry physical outbursts. The last thing we wanted to do is to exacerbate those feelings. Besides, Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. 

For some kids, Christmas is already too much then you add lights, sounds, commotion and events that come with this season. 

Quick Tip: If your child has angry outbursts, meltdowns, or struggles with self-regulation, download your free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What Is Anxiety? 

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress.

A statistic I found from the National Institute of Mental Health is that 1 in 8 children have anxiety. And less than 1% of kids get professional help for a multitude of reasons. 

Read that again.

There are many types of anxiety. What they all have in common is the feeling of panic and/or fear of something that may not even be a threat, not being able to remain calm especially in times of high stress, having shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tension and there can also be feelings of nausea, sleeplessness, and dizziness.

I read the Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D. which I highly recommend! She goes through the challenges of people face who have brain differences, but also the strengths they have that can help them thrive and do far greater things than a neuro-typical person.

In the book, she explains that anxiety involves an array of behaviors and experiences. Every person is wired to have a stress response when they feel a threat. People who have anxiety may have the same physical feelings as a non-anxious person, but the thoughts in their minds usually take a negative turn. 

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

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Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Harvard psychologist and “father of temperament”, Jerome Kagan found that brains may be hardwired for anxiety. Following people from birth to adulthood in a longitudinal study, he found that babies who showed signs of being stressed out by simple things grew to be anxious adults.

The Magnetic Resonance Imaging also showed that they had thicker cortexes. Interesting!

anxious baby at christmas santa suit

I can attest to this with our anxious child (especially at Christmas). Even at a young age, he was afraid of everything – toys that moved or talked, people in costumes, strangers and certain sounds.

More research needs to be done to figure out if anxious people develop thicker cortexes or vice versa. 

The environment can and does play a part, but I think it’s important for us to realize that our kids could be born this way. With this knowledge, we can help our anxious-prone children during Christmas, birthdays and every day of the year!

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Lastly, cognitive scientists at UC Berkeley have pinpointed anxiety.  The contributing factors to anxiety are:

  • Overactive Amygdala | The amygdala is the part of the brain where the primal fight or flight reflex occurs. We talk to our anxious child about his amygdala a lot!
  • Underactive Ventral Prefrontal Cortex | Secondly, the neural part of our brain that aids in overcoming fears and worries, the ventral prefrontal cortex, isn’t mobilized. It’s hard for the person to access this part of the brain whenever fear is present. 

Ring any bells for you?

anxious child at christmas

Kids with and without Generalized Anxiety can experience anxiety and extra stress during the holidays.

Taking all this into consideration, kids (and adults alike) who already have anxious brain wiring may not be able to handle all the commotion (and joy and fun and excitement) Christmas brings. And kids who don’t have this brain difference can also develop anxiety as they become overwhelmed. 

Related: Calm Down Kit Ideas To Help Kids Manage Big Feelings

Anxiety During The Holidays

For adults and kids alike, November through January often disrupts regular routines. I know I keep mentioning Christmas but this goes for any holiday celebrated in the month of December.

It’s a more expensive time of year and the task demands are never-ending. Because of this, it’s good to take a look at the common triggers or reasons for kids’ anxiety during this time.

Common Triggers

  • Change of schedule
  • Seeing people and/or family your child hasn’t seen in a long time
  • Socially demanding events
  • Over-stimulation of lights and sounds
  • Lack of sleep
  • Traveling long distances and sleeping somewhere else
  • The weather (not necessarily here in AZ as we still get plenty of sunshine. I came from the cold so I soak every single ray up!)
  • Family tension brought up because of the holidays
  • Financial stress
  • Santa! Continuously being “watched” for good or bad behavior

7 Signs That Your Child is Anxious at Christmas 

If your child is showing signs of frustration, sadness, or is uncharacteristically irritable, it may mean anxiety is present. Because the holidays can add extra stress, anxiety usually manifests into physical ailments as well. 

anxious child at Christmas

Here are common symptoms to look out for:  

  •  Frequent Meltdowns or Sensory Tantrums | To figure out if these are actually a problem, keep track of every meltdown and tantrum easily on your phone or in a notebook. Look for patterns so you can mitigate the anxiety.
  • Sleep problems | Sleep can be affected by anxiety but also cause anxiety if there’s not enough. A vicious cycle is bound to happen without proper sleep.
  • Pain |Anxiety often presents itself as psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, unexplained muscle aches, and other physical pain. Anxiety can also cause a rash.
  • Other Physical Sensations | In addition to pain, anxiety can turn into arguing, crying, fleeing from situations, biting nails, pulling out hair or what I did as a kid was profusely scratch myself.
  • Anger | Oftentimes intense anger is actually anxiety in a child who doesn’t have the emotional regulation skills to cope.  
  • Social Avoidance | If your child doesn’t want to go to school or public places, anxiety may be the culprit. Kids will often isolate themselves so they don’t have to face the scary feelings.
  • Frequent Questions | “What if’s” out of the wazoo! Anxious kids often present questions concerning safety and ask the same questions over and over again. 
Anxiety at Christmas

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

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What You Can Do To Help Your Anxious Child At Christmas Time 

Growing up, Christmas may have been a certain way. You may have incredible memories that you want to replicate. The problem with this is that it can often give unrealistic expectations for your current family. You may not have anticipated having to help an anxious child especially at Christmas which is why I bring you good news!

There are many ways you can help your anxious child minimize or avoid stress altogether! 

  • Educate your kids (and yourself) |Teach your kids what anxiety is, how it affects their brains and how to problem-solve. 
  • Set a focus for the season | Ideas include Christmas memories, celebrating the seasons of change or the true meaning of Christmas then plan events accordingly. 
  • Plan ahead and communicate it to your kids | There is so much to do in the community, at school, in your city or town. Instead of going to everything you can, let your kids be part of the plan and put it on a calendar so they can anticipate what is next. 
  • Do more activities with only your family | Savor this time of year by making memories in the walls of your house.
  • Teach your kids to focus on the present moment | By doing this, kids can keep worrying feelings at bay. Mindfulness techniques work too.
  • Be open to change | Try your best to go with the flow. Approach the holidays with an open mind. 
  • Be realistic | Have a realistic mindset on what can and can’t be accomplished this time of year. For example, kids who are very impulsive may need more structure to minimize disruptive behavior. Have a realistic plan to fall back on. 
  • Take a break | Ask for help and realize Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Say no to things so you can say yes to what’s most important. Ask for help!
  • Seek medical attention if needed | Don’t forget this is always an option if can’t be managed at home. 
  • Stay Alive 101 | Try your best to sleep, eat healthily, drink water and exercise. This is for both you and your children even when it’s hard to do surrounded by candy canes, party food, and events around the clock.
  • Take natural supplements | We have found using natural herbs and spices help tremendously with balancing neurotransmitters in the brain. As found in this article by Lyfe Botanicals, turmeric has the ability to modulate serotonin and dopamine. Ashwagnda, maca root and licorice root all have similar benefits as well.
  • Reduce Screen Time | I know it’s an easy go-to for entertainment, but screens can exacerbate anxiety by over-activating the autonomic nervous system and increase cortisol, the stress hormone.
  • Laugh and drink hot cocoa! | We may only get a limited amount of holiday seasons with our kids. Cherish every moment. Slow down, play games, laugh and don’t forget the hot cocoa (sans the sugar for some of our kids and us, of course!). Hot chocolate solves problems. 
11 ways to help an anxious child at Christmas

Read Next: The Perfect Holiday Gift Guide for Your Little Maker or Creator

The Reason for the Season

With all of this said, it’s always good to remind ourselves what this season is truly about. We were given the greatest gift from God, Jesus, and we have the privilege to celebrate his birth. 

Despite all the flashing lights (literally) and Christmas music, by showing our kids our love and what truly matters during this season, it can be enjoyed by all. 

The true meaning of Christmas is love.

Grab the precious little gift you are so incredibly blessed to have and love him or hard. Open your kids’ eyes to what giving and helping others means and can feel like. Spend as much time as you can together creating memories that will last a lifetime. Lastly, from my photographer’s heart, be purposeful and take lots of pictures!

celebrating Christmas in Arizona - fake snow!

How do you help your child who is more anxious around Christmas?  

Originally published on December 18, 2018. Updated on November 29, 2019

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10 Tips for Raising Grateful Kids

My two-year-old learned the phrase, “thank you” as soon as he could speak. Anytime someone does something nice for him, gives him something or does what he asks, he responds with the absolute cutest, “tank you.” And my older boys follow suit. It sure makes me feel like I am raising grateful kids.

Then, I realized that although they say those words that it’s not always followed up with action or a grateful heart or even attitude. At first, I thought it was mainly because of entitlement but found out that there are other reasons as well.

Read Next: 4 Surprising Reasons Your Children are Ungrateful

raising grateful kids

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My husband and I want to be raising grateful kids who are thoughtful, compassionate and happy. I think many parents have these same goals.

The question is then, how do we do this?

First, we need to break down what gratitude is.

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The Four Parts of Gratitude

When you think about gratitude, you probably think of teaching your child to say, “thank you”, at appropriate times. However, gratitude is a little more than that.

As part of the Raising Grateful Children project at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, the researchers found that parents are really good at telling their kids what to do to show gratitude but often neglect to teach the other three parts.

I’m sure you have said it a time or two…“Now, what do you say?”

talk to kids about gratitude

Gratitude can be broken down into four parts:

1. NOTICE – Simply take note of all that there is to be thankful for.

Use a gratitude journal, give thanks at the dinner table or on the drive to school.

Ask: “What do you currently have in your life you are thankful for?” And “Is there something more to be thankful for than just the material item such as someone thinking about you when they bring you a gift?”

2. THINK – Take time to think about why you have the things, people and experiences in your life.

The best time to do this is when you are having quality time together, around the dinner table, during a family meeting or when someone does something kind.

Encourage your kids to think about these things on their own as they go on with their day.

Ask: “Do you think you earned this gift?” “What was the motive of the giver?” “Do you think every child gets to have these experiences?” “Do you think you deserved to do that or receive that gift?” “What do you think about reciprocating the gift to the person who gave that to you?”

3. FEEL – Get in touch with how the things you are most thankful for makes you feel.

Have a conversation as soon as a child is given a gift or experience. You can even have your child close his or her eyes and really get in touch with how a gift or experience makes him or her feel.

Ask: “How does that make you feel?” “What part of that experience makes you the happiest?” “What kinds of feelings do you have when you think about that gift?”

4. DO – Say and take action to express gratitude.

Explaining to kids what they can do to thank someone usually happens at the moment, but can also be done anytime. Make a habit of creating thank you cards or gifts of gratitude when your child receives something.

Engaging in paying it forward or random acts of kindness is another great way to do.

Ask: “What can you do or say to let the giver know you are thankful?” “Getting that gift makes you happy! Do you think you would want someone else to feel that way? How would you do that?”

This is a helpful video that walks you through discussions with your kid from The Greater Good Science Center. Check out more of their videos here.

It’s important to look at all of these for raising grateful kids who spread joy in the world who become better humans and personally benefit from this daily practice.

Read Next: The Importance of Quality Time

raising grateful kids

The Loss of Gratitude Over Time

The reason why it’s important to be mindfully aware of what it is that you are grateful for is that the emotional connection tends to wear off. This is something called hedonic adaptation.

Great emotions like joy and happiness or even loss and sadness dwindle over time.

This explains why kids who are so excited to receive a toy but then within a few days or months (or sometimes even hours, right?!), they barely touch it.

It’s not that they don’t appreciate it, they just become used to it and the excitement goes away. Doing a toy rotation can help minimize this hedonic adaptation and keep you from feeling like you need to buy new toys constantly.

According to Greater Good Magazine,  “research suggests that some degree of scarcity and restraint is more conducive to happiness.” This is good to keep in mind as we dive into all the ways we can teach and practice gratitude with our children.

raising grateful kids by teaching empathy

The Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to Kids

With all the reasons why we don’t have grateful kids, and why gratitude is so important to our own state of being and our children’s, I wanted to know,

What can we do to make sure we are raising grateful kids?

1. Model the Behavior

This should be NUMBER one on any top list involving parenting. The single most important thing we can do is model what we want our children to learn and do.

We can talk the talk but what matters is that we walk the walk. Amiright?

If we are never thanking people or are constantly grumbling, our kids will probably follow suit regardless of the words we tell them.

During your day to day, find ways to express gratitude toward others. Thank someone who opens the door for you, say, “thank you” to people who let you go in front of them while driving (even though the other driver can’t even hear you; because your kids can!), or return someone’s cart at the grocery store.

When something goes wrong, verbally express the good that came from that situation.

2. Talk About Gratitude

Lately, I’ve been greeting my kids in the morning with, “I’m thankful to see your smile this morning.” Also, “I’m thankful to be your mom.” The more they see that I’m truly thankful for them, the more they will return that feeling to me and to others.

Use all the questions listed under the four parts of gratitude to spark conversations. I flat out tell my kids about what is and isn’t beneficial or helpful for their brain development.

3. Volunteer and Give Back

Put your words into action by giving your children opportunities to serve and give to others.

Volunteer at a local nonprofit or better yet, take your children on a philanthropic or missions trip.

Most people who go outside of the country to make a change say they are the ones who come back changed.

community service volunteer youth

I’ve been taking my oldest to the homeless shelter to read to the kid residents. The experience has been far more impactful than I realized it would be. He is being exposed to what homelessness really looks like, not just want he assumed. Some of the kids who walk in that door don’t smell clean and are wearing clothes and shoes that are three sizes too big. However, there are also kids who come in looking just like him with electronics in their pockets.

By seeing how others are living and thinking about and discussing their living situation has changed my son’s perspective about his own life. Every single time we get back in our van, his heart is nearly bursting and explodes with joy. His experience doesn’t just end there, either. It has led to so many incredible conversations and actions of generosity.

book drive

AND because of his actions, his brother has grown in empathy by wanting to give back as well. Because he isn’t old enough to volunteer, he took it upon himself to do a book drive in his class and collected over five bags of books!

4. Create Gratitude Habits

Weave gratitude into your daily life!

Here are some very simple ideas of habits that can lead to raising grateful kids.

raising grateful kids

Gratitude Journal

Every night before bed, write down three things that went well that day (even if it was a horrible day) and what you are thankful for. Turning negatives into positives is very impactful on the brain. Or if it’s too much to write it down, simply state three things!

Dinner Conversations

Every night before we start eating, we say a prayer and thank God for all the good (and not so good) things happening in our lives. Occasionally, each child goes around and names something they are thankful for.

Because I wanted to get more consistent with this, I created a Daily Reflection Card. It’s free for you to download as part of the Gratitude Toolkit. We want to start using these as a way to discuss the good, the challenging and something we did that was thoughtful during our day.

PS: And to clarify in the picture below: It says, “legos ssssss. I’m a ssssnake,” because something else might jump out at you!)

daily reflection card

Use Pictures

If your kid has a phone, text a picture each week of something that you appreciate. My kids have watches like this so I text thankful reminders. This can spark bigger conversations on the topics of gratitude!

A friend of mine said she printed a photo I took of a cactus with bright fuschia flowers. She has it on a bookshelf she sees as soon as she wakes up every day. As she gets out of bed, she uses the photo as a reminder to think about things she’s grateful for. How sweet is that?!

Car Conversations

Another great time to list what you are grateful for is when everyone is trapped in the car! Listening to Christian radio helps initiate conversation. Another idea is to develop a habit. Before you put the car into drive, have everyone mention something they are thankful for.

thankful boy savoring

5. Savor

You have probably heard of this word in terms of savoring food, but did you know you can savor almost anything you experience?

Savoring is when you become mindfully engaged and aware of your feelings during positive events.

When you do this, your joy and happiness increase. Savoring can also improve relationships, better physical and emotional health, and increase creativity.

There are many ways to do this!

raise grateful boys

Create Mental Pictures

Teach your child to stop and become mentally aware of positive experiences.

Is your child having the time of his life at a soccer game? Encourage him to stop and think about how he feels. Mentally record the reactions of the other players, what it felt like to kick the ball and even what the weather and atmosphere were like that day.

When my kids make their toddler brother giggle, I tell them to record that memory in their minds. By encouraging them to close their eyes, I have them think about what it sounds like how that giggle makes them feel. Then when they open their eyes to see their brother’s adorable little face, they record what he looks like in their minds.

I did this a lot when that little guy was born. After having a rough pregnancy with extreme morning sickness and overwhelming amounts of sadness, his presence quickly became a time of joy that I didn’t want to forget.

Fully Experience Every Sense

It’s been fun to watch how this has impacted my son who is naturally pessimistic and suffers from anxiety. I encourage him to focus on one sense while thinking positively.

An easy way to do this is to cook and eat a favorite meal. While cooking, have your child hone in on his or her smelling sense by closing the eyes. Take a deep breath in to really enjoy that smell. Then when it’s finished, staring at the food to appreciate what it looks like. If they like textures, the food can also be savored while chewing and lastly, they can zero in on the yummy taste.

Compare the Experience

Get your child to look outside of her world and compare what she’s experiencing to others. Does she come to you saying she’s bored because she doesn’t have anything to play with?

Remind her that there are children that have no toys and to be grateful for what she does have. Or better yet, take her to donate a toy to one of those kids.

raising grateful kids reading about empathy

6. Read Books About Gratitude and Reciprocity

Research has shown that reciprocity of kind acts is not natural or instinctual. Instead, it must be taught.

A simple way to do this is to read a book that teaches this concept or simply show how you return kindness and gratitude.

We love this book, “Do Unto Otters” by Laurie Keller!

There are many other books that teach gratitude in a fun way.

7. Mental Subtraction

Experts suggest you take at least one day a week to do this practice. I think spending every Sunday night with your child would be a perfect time!

Encourage your child to think of a very joyous event such as when he got a new puppy, had a special time with grandma, won an award or trophy, etc. Then help him process what it took to get to make that event or experience possible.

Next, write down how it could’ve gone differently or what could have stood in the way of it happening.

Lastly, have your child shift his or her focus to remembering that the event actually did occur and that it wasn’t something that was for sure going to happen. Help them realize choices had to be made and certain circumstances had to fall in line to follow God’s plan. Remind them THAT is something to be thankful for.

Teaching empathy

8. Teach Empathy

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

Empathy is about seeing other people’s perspectives but ALSO caring about that person.

This idea goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence and can lead to so many positive things in a little person’s life such as forming strong relationships, developing acceptance for others, developing good mental health, creating high levels of happiness, and reducing toxic stress.

According to Goodstart Early Learning, “Building an understanding of what others are feeling, how their own actions can impact others, and why someone might be experiencing feelings at a particular time is a valuable life skill for children to possess.” And I believe it leads to raising grateful kids.

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Fun Ways to Teach Empathy

  1. Point to and Mimic Emotions. We do this a lot with our toddler! Any time a child is crying at the store or someone is angry in our house, our little guy labels that emotion. When we leave the situation, I ask him to mimic that child so he can get an understanding of the emotion.
  2. Role Play. Act out different scenarios of people with different emotions.
  3. Point Out Animal Emotions. This one can be fun. Dogs and cats can be quite expressive so ask your child what kind of emotion she thinks she is experiencing. And if you don’t have a pet, point out animals you see outside or go to the zoo. How is the lion feeling today?
  4. Talk About Feelings. You want to ask your child how they feel about a situation, but if that’s not working, express how you felt about a certain situation when you were his age.
  5. Make a Feelings Collage. Take your old magazines and have your child cut out the people. Then under each photo, label how that person is feeling.
  6. Play a Game. Find a fun game that promotes empathy and understanding feelings. Here are a few I found on Amazon:
family playing board games to teach gratitude

A gift for you! I have created a Gratitude Toolkit which includes two worksheets that encourage and teach empathy! Click here to sign up for the newsletter and receive the toolkit for free!

9. Give Your Kids Responsibilities

I love this quote,

“Do not do for a child what he can do for himself.”

teaching responsibility leads to thankfulness

The reasons are because when you do, you’re taking away so much. Not only a sense of competence but the ability for your child to fail and more importantly, learn.

We are all about giving our kids autonomy in this house which includes instilling the value of hard work to help and support each other.

If you are still doing your child’s laundry, packing his lunch, waking him up for school and doing everything else for him, start small.

Chores

Maybe begin with one chore a week. Let your child pick the time, day and task. When kids feel like they are in charge, they are more likely to want to help.

One of my boys loves dusting and doing laundry because he gets to be in control of when and how he does it! I also show gratitude and thank him for helping me so I can spend more time with him to do fun activities! See what I did there, I’m modeling gratitude also while ensuring my child isn’t becoming entitled.

kids doing chores

Routines

Help your kids come up with morning and evening routines so they can follow them without your help. I let my kids pick the order of their routines, made these awesome charts, laminated them and hung them on our command center corkboard.

It has reduced the nagging so much and allows my kids to be thankful they can make their own choices and get themselves ready for school and bed without having to rely on me or my husband.

routine charts for kids

BONUS! Sign up for my newsletter and receive FREE routine charts!

Tools

A great way to help your kids take responsibility and in turn, learn how to be grateful for the priveledges they have is to give them tools. We use timers for so many different things from homework to chores to screen time.

Our boys also wake up using an alarm clock. After spending a ton of time reading and seeing what praise and rewards were doing to our kids, we threw all the sticker charts away. There are lots of other tools, mental and physical, that kids can use to become self-motivated and competent.

10. Teach Humility

Gratitude is born of humility, for it acknowledges the giftedness of the creation and the benevolence of the Creator. This recognition gives birth to acts marked by attention and responsibility. Ingratitude, on the other hand, is marked by hubris, which denies the gift, and this always leads to inattention, irresponsibility, and abuse.

~Mark T. Mitchell, Professor of Political Science at Patrick Henry College in Virgini

toddler who is thankful

In order to overcome ingratitude, our kids need to understand how to be humble. This allows our kids to turn outside of themselves.

A truly humble person understands that the life he or she has been given is a gift rather than a right. Humility protects them from expecting to get everything they want without thinking anything needs to be owed in return.

And yet, humility is NOT natural.

Teaching your kids to be humble is a lot of ways the same as all the ways to teach them gratitude. In addition, talk about it and call them out when they are acting as if their poo doesn’t stink. But of course, do it in a connective non-shaming way.

Gratitude Changes Everything

Remember, we have the power to encourage compassion, kindness, empathy and happiness in our children’s lives. The number one way to make sure you are raising grateful kids is to teach them how to express gratitude for all they have and get to do.

In summary, here are the Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to ensure we are raising grateful kids:

  1. Model
  2. Talk About Thankfulness
  3. Volunteer/Give back
  4. Create Gratitude Habits
  5. Savor
  6. Read books about Gratitude
  7. Do Mental Subration Exercises
  8. Teach Empathy
  9. Give Your Kids Responsibilities
  10. Teach Humility

Don’t Forget! Your Free Gratitude Toolkit

raising grateful kids toolkit

I created a gratitude toolkit to help you with raising grateful kids. It includes:

  • A fill-in-the-blank gratitude poster
  • A FUN worksheet to teach your child about emotions and how others feel
  • A worksheet to help your child understand what his or her strengths are in understanding others and what he or she can improve upon.
  • Daily reflection cards for the whole family
  • Random acts of kindness hearts to help your children find ways to bless others

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gratitude toolkit

What Are Ways You Teach Gratitude?

Do you have a daily practice or volunteer? Do you feel like you are raising grateful kids? I’d love to hear all about it! Comment below!

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The Real Reason Parenting is Hard and How to Make It Easier

Parenting can feel ridiculously hard. So hard that it leads to pure mental and physical exhaustion.

Being a parent can also make you act in a way that is not true to your core character. Worry and fear are two of many emotions often experienced. And yet, parenting is also one of the most amazing gifts.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Kids enter the world without a manual. They have their own unique personality that may be complementary to or total opposite of yours.

You may have one child who is easy to parent and another that makes you want to hit your head against the wall. Although I wouldn’t suggest you do this, it is okay to feel like that. Or like the intro of one of my favorite podcasts, Family Looking Up, says, you may feel like you want to jump off the washing machine on occasion.

Over the past few years, I have had a major mind-shift in what my job as a parent is. Then I realized because of this mind-shift, parenting didn’t feel as hard anymore.

It’s as if I could finally exhale.

consoling a toddler when parenting is hard

The Reasons Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard-wired.

Five years ago, researchers discovered that parenting behaviors are triggered through neurons in the hypothalamus. This is a tiny part of the brain where hormones are released. They found that parenting behavior is controlled by galanin neuropeptides.

Say what?

These neurons are conveyed in many brain functions such as responding to harm, sleep-wake cycles, understanding, eating, mood and blood pressure regulation and cell growth.

When we become parents, our brains change.

There is no immediate benefit to providing and caring for a completely dependent baby. However, we instinctively develop parental behaviors that come from genetic programming. Our feeling of responsibility increases as we have a new life to care for.

On a side note, researchers think the reason moms experience postpartum depression is because something goes wrong in the development of these neuronal circuits.

parenting is hard

If I surveyed 100 people on what parts of parenthood are hard, I’m sure I’d get thousands of reasons. As parents, we are pulled in many directions. The tears, tantrums, sibling fights are what I call surface level challenges.

At the moment, all the noise can make our heads feel like they’re going explode. Or the constantly correcting behavior and making sure our kids are making good choices can drain a person.

Do you ever feel like it’s just too much?

The REAL Reasons that Parenting is Hard

Yes, the running around, getting slapped in the face by a toddler or peed on by a baby and being responsible all make parenting feel hard. But, there are some more underlying reasons I think are at play.

The Need For Autonomy

We want our autonomy and so do our children!

boy packing lunch

Ever you ever heard a toddler yell, “Me do it!” while trying to do a small task for him or her?

That is a plea for autonomy and control over his or her own life.

The self-determination theory presents three psychological needs that all humans are born with: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. We need these three things to be self-motivated.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer my child to be self-sufficient and independent of me. I don’t want to rely on punishments, rewards, and other extrinsic motivators to get them to do what I want.

parenting doesn't have to be hard if you understand self-determination theory

A parent will often butt heads with a child because he or she is inadvertently taking away that basic need for autonomy.

Read More: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching Life Skills to Kids

A Different Timeline

Why is it that when it’s time to leave, kids often think it’s time to take their clothes off or start an art project? Here I am feeling like my time disappears into oblivion every day and my kids are ready to be the next Picasso just as we are heading out the door.

I found some very fascinating research to explain why kids aren’t so pressured with time!

The perception of time does actually speed up as we grow older. The reason is found with executive functions found in the frontal lobe. Working memory, attention and executive function are rapidly developing all throughout childhood.

The neural transmission is actually physically slower in kids!

timers in parenting

The frontal lobe finishes developing into adulthood around the age of 24-25. By then, time is perceived to go by a lot faster and it is encoded more accurately.

When we are trying to rush out of the house or feel like our five minutes is going to be gone in a flash, our kids perceive that time to be a lot longer.

Failure is Hard to Watch

No one likes to watch their kid fail. For some, it can cause anxiety and tears. It’s completely normal to want your child to have everything and get through life without being scathed.

However, this doesn’t teach them anything because life isn’t perfect. There will be challenges your child needs to overcome. The more they walk through these times to learn from them, the more resilient they will most likely become.

Underdeveloped Brain

Lastly, parents get frustrated with kids and their behaviors a lot of times because they want a child to do something he or she doesn’t even have the developmental ability to do. It’s often frustrating when a child lacks self-regulation when we think they are in control of themselves.

It’s very easy to be understanding when a toddler chucks a toy across the room or screams in your face, but way harder to have a gentle response when a kid over five years old does the same thing.

Yes, these skills increase as a child gets older and the neural pathways are created, but kids can be further behind than parents realize. Many times the culprit of unwanted behaviors are found in the underdevelopment of executive functions. There’s that phrase again!

My favorite is to hear my husband ask, “Why did you just do that?” He’s often answered with blank stares looking back at him. (I’ve learned to not even ask! Ha!) Because developmentally, our child really has NO CLUE why he just ran by his brother and smacked him on the back of the head. At that moment, his prefrontal cortex went offline completely out of his control.

Again, the thinker part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until someone is in his or her mid-twenties!

We also forget to look specifically at the child. With my neurodiverse kids, one is developmentally a few years ahead in academics and empathy but a few years behind in organizational and time management skills.

Our mindset of, “My child is nine years old, he should be able to do ______” can make parenting feel so hard because we have false expectations of what that child is capable of doing based on his or her brain development.

The 4 Mindsets That Can Make Parenting Easier

Yes, my responsibility is still the same. I am responsible to teach and guide my child to make good choices and be a kind, respectful, independent, competent adult.

After taking a step back, ahem, relinquishing control and shifting the way I viewed parenting, things started to feel more joyful, easier and not so draining.

Here are the four mindsets that make parenting a little easier for me:

1. It’s Okay to Take Care of MYSELF First

This one is big. If we can’t handle our own emotions or feel like we are running on empty, life, in general, is going to feel very challenging.

I know self-care is a hot topic right now, but the type of self-care I think is vitally important to make parenting easier is more inwardly focused than a pedicure or massage. Even though, those can be helpful, too.

mom and toddler doing exercise

I came up with an acronym, MYSELF which is adapted from Julie Morgenstern’s Time to Parent. It stands for:

  • Motivate myself
  • Yield to negativity
  • Sleep
  • Exercise
  • Love
  • Fun

So anytime you are feeling like parenting is extra hard, ask, “Am I taking care of MYSELF?”

I find this so important that I created this Self-Care Ebook just for you!

self care ebook

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Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF With Self Care

One last thing I wanted to mention was what I constantly talk about so I apologize if it seems like I’m preaching. It’s to..

Stop. Pray. Breathe.

Instead of constantly reacting to my kids, I now work on responding.

Sometimes this comes easy and other times, it’s imperative that I stop before heading into battle.

Another great tip is to either write down or take a mental note of how your body feels when your kids are being defiant or they are displaying big feelings.

For me, I can feel it in my chest and hands. As soon as I acknowledge that physical sensation, I have to reconnect with my mind to pause before I say a single word. Because I’ve done this so much, it’s has become more automatic.

2. Realize I’m NOT in CONTROL

As parents, we are not in control of our kids.

It may feel like we need to be or even should be, but the truth is they are in control of themselves. Instead of viewing our job as a parent as a manager, it’s more effective if we view ourselves as their consultant or even a coach.

There are four causes of stress. An easy way to remember is using the acronym, N.U.T.S.

  • Novelty – Doing something new
  • Unpredictability – Having an experience you didn’t know was going to happen
  • Threat to the Ego – Your competence is questioned
  • Sense of No Control – Having a feeling of not being in control of oneself
causes of stress

There are three types of stress, positive, tolerable and toxic. In order for kids’ to manage their stress so it doesn’t reach to the toxic level, they need an adult they can trust to help them recover and have a sense of control over their lives.

Honestly, to know that I don’t have control over every behavior or decision my child makes has taken a huge weight off my chest.

Instead of controlling what our kids do or making all the big decisions for them, it helps our kids far more when we set limits, ground rules and help our kids problem-solve.

3. Look for the ROOT of My Kids’ Behaviors

Behavior. That’s such an interesting word.

Before I developed an understanding of how a child’s brain forms, the reasons for their actions and what their basic human needs are, I saw behavior as either good or bad. And “bad behavior needed to be corrected because kids must obey their parents.”

Now, I view behavior as communication.

If your son looks at you after you just told him not to jump on the couch and he does it anyway, he is communicating something to you. When your daughter is crying and flailing on the floor and cannot get control of her emotions, she is trying to communicate something. If your son is refusing to get out of the car to go to school, he is communicating something to you.

The iceberg model visually explains how behavior works. What we see on the surface is usually only 10% of what’s really going on underneath the surface.

behavior management iceberg

Instead of constantly thinking, “My kids don’t listen, they need to stop,” I switched my thinking to “Why are they acting this way and how can I help?”

One other thing I did was adopt the mantra, “Kids Do Well If They Can” by Dr. Ross Greene. Can I tell you how many times this has gotten me through some really tough emotional meltdowns with my son? A lot!

4. Stop Taking My Kids’ Actions and Words Personally

I end with this one because it’s huge. 

We accidentally went to the Science Center on a sponsored day. It was free to get in so that meant every person and their mom (and dad and sister and grandma and great-grandma and Uncle Bob and Aunt Marge) were there! 

One of my kids has a sensitive sensory system. After all the noise, people brushing past him and the added lights and visual stimulation, his responses to our directions were… anything but kind. 

His words seemed as if they were a personal attack on us which could’ve easily made my husband and I react defensively.

The root of the disrespectful talk was overstimulation.

Speaking in a loud and rude manner was the only way my son was able to express how he was feeling at that moment. Although irritated, we restrained from yelling back. Once my son got in the quiet car and ate a protein-packed lunch, the disrespectful talk dissipated.

Oftentimes, we lose our cool because we get offended. 

Has your child ever said something to you that made you think, “Whoah, dude, back up the train! You realize I’m in charge, right? How dare you speak to me like that!” And you match the lashing out talk, rude behavior or yelling?

When we do this, we are modeling that unwanted behavior. We also aren’t attuning to what their needs are because remember, behavior is communication. 

Getting offended or taking our kids’ behavior personally isn’t helpful. 

Instead, focus on getting to that root of the behavior and connect in a way that is most helpful to your child. THEN, once he or she is calm and connected to the Thinker brain, you can take that time to talk about appropriate ways to speak if it’s even necessary. 

Don’t Poke The Lizard

Another thing that happens if we take our kids’ behaviors and words personally is that we start using a whole lot of words and do what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls, “poke the lizard.”

If your daughter is angry, that means her “reptilian” or brain stem and the limbic region is activated. When kids are in this state, they are unable to think rationally. The more you talk back or try to correct, the more you poke that lizard.

And you know what happens when you poke a lizard! Ha!

parenting boys doesn't have to be hard

Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be So Hard

I’m really hoping what has helped me will help you find joy in parenthood. Because once we realize that we don’t need to control our kids and that they are acting like crazy animals for a reason that is beyond what we can see, our own nervous systems remain calm. And when this happens, we can have rational thought about what’s really going on.

Self-control is a beautiful thing.

There are still times when I can feel my heart racing and fists clenching, but because I’m mindful about my body, I can recenter and focus on connection. 

Let me know if any of these resonate with you and where you find parenting to be the most challenging. Comment below!

Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose
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How To Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach With These 5 Steps

Inside: Learn how to become your child’s emotion coach. This benefits both you and your children as they increase their emotional intelligence. Scroll down to sign up to get your free emotion coach printable.

What I’ve come to realize over the last ten years of my parenting journey is that the single most important thing my children need from me is emotional support. Not only to be understood but also to be taught social and emotional intelligence skills. 

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

raising a child with emotional intelligence

After reading countless books and listening to even more podcasts, I found that the common theme of successful child-rearing is creating a strong connection through understanding my own emotions first.

Once I can process my own emotions, then the second most important thing to do is to support how my child feels.

Regardless of the parenting style or philosophy, emotional intelligence is where it’s at. Don’t believe me, check out Generation Mindful! What they are doing to help kids increase emotional intelligence is INCREDIBLE!

Today, we know so much about the growing brain from neuroscience and behavioral research. There are longitudinal studies that span over 40, 50, 60 years! And with the help of technology such as Functional MRIs, we have concrete evidence of what’s happening with neural pathways during brain development. 

boys with emotional intelligence

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence and How to Teach It To Your Child

Experts continue to gain very valuable knowledge about how people develop into resilient, competent adults who have high emotional intelligence.

How have we gone so long without realizing that emotions are healthy?

In the past, at least here in the United States, it was common for kids to not be treated like emotional beings. Instead, they were to be seen and not heard.

Denmark has been ranked as having the happiest people in the world for the past 40 years. If you take a deep dive into how they raise their kids, you’ll learn that empathy is deeply rooted in their values. There is not much shaming, blaming or frustration over unhappy feelings. And they instinctively start teaching empathy as soon as a child is born. 

Read Next: Spend Quality Time With Your Kids

Emotional Intelligence

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in this field, states that research shows the biggest indicator of a child’s future is his or her relationship with others.

And that relationship starts with his or her parent. 

By definition, emotional intelligence means, “The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

Whoah! That is loaded! 

Here Are the Five Components of Emotional Intelligence: 

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is so important because it allows humans to flourish. It opens a door to better learning, relationships, understanding of others, academic achievement and eventually employment success. Psychologists even debate if EQ is more important than IQ.

Regardless, it’s something to pay attention to especially in raising kids. Even though some kids naturally have a higher EQ than others, it’s invaluable to focus on cultivating it in children so they can carry those skills into adulthood.

This can be done with a simple mind shift.

If your child struggles with big emotions, check out this Calm Down Toolkit to help him or her self-regulate.

calm down toolkit for big emotions

Help Your Child Calm Down With This Calm Down Kit!

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It’s Not Only About Compliance

Since reading “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel Siegel, my eyes were opened to this world of connecting with my child on an emotional level. I had already figured out that punishment was not the most effective form of discipline, but connecting the dots with how the young brain develops was life-changing for mine and my husband’s parenting approach.

A Tough Concept for Some

I do have to say that at first, this was a very hard concept for my husband to grasp. He was a firm believer that kids need consequences for every single mistake they make or when they display any kind of defiant behavior because “kids should be compliant.”

In fact, I can remember a situation where I was trying to put this knowledge into place and my husband was not having it. 

We were walking home from the grocery store when one of my boys said or did something that appeared to be very disrespectful. I suggested we need to connect then redirect as I had just learned.

Immediately, my husband glared into my eyes and asked, “You mean, I just let him get away with that behavior? I’m supposed to be kind to him when he just spoke to me like that? How will he ever learn?”  

He often felt like they just “never listened.” The reason for this is because he was wanting to control their behaviors right then and there versus allowing them to grow and learn from the situation. His thinking was understandable as it is a very common way for parents (and many teachers) to think.

Also, our boys may have seemed like they weren’t listening, but what they were really doing was fighting for autonomy. This is one of our basic psychological needs as humans, to feel like we have control over our own lives, and yet, children have very little. 

Read Next: Give Your Child the Responsibility of Packing Their Own Lunch!

Fast forward a few years and I learned that one, in order for my husband to want to collaborate in parenting, I needed to stop telling and focus on supporting him and modeling how to connect with our boys. And secondly, we learned together that we don’t even need to correct those behaviors anymore because either they don’t happen or our kids self-correct. 

We now know that our kids’ “disrespectful” talk is typically their stress response especially for our oldest. If we connect first, our boys will correct their own actions and most likely not repeat it in the future. That is a much better goal than only focusing on compliance at the moment.

It’s important to note that “stress response” behavior is not intentional like we usually assume. Instead, it’s out of their control which is why it’s even more important that we connect and take the opportunity to teach. 

boy mom in hammock

The Importance of Connection

 As our boys have developed, we both realize the importance of connection and attuning to our children’s emotional needs. In fact, we’ve seen such a transformation and the fruits of this thinking, that this is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

I want to help other parents see past the behaviors and make strong connections with their kids. Because if a parent-child relationship is strong, that child is more likely to grow into a mentally and emotionally healthy adult. 

Wouldn’t you agree that we need this more than ever now? 

How To Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach With These 5 Steps

Recently, I came across the concept of Emotion Coaching.

It’s basically what we have been doing with our kids with all the research-based knowledge I’ve gained. I love how easy the steps are easy to remember and more importantly, implement.

Created by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute and author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting”, this concept teaches parents how to raise emotionally intelligent children. 

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The Five Steps to Emotion Coaching: 

  1. Be aware of emotions
  2. Realize when a child is showing emotions that it’s an opportunity to connect
  3. Help your child put a name to his or her emotions
  4. Communicate empathy and understanding
  5. Set limits and problem solve
emotion coaching

I broke down each step so you can utilize this process in your own relationship with your kids: 

Step 1: Be Aware of Emotions

All emotions are healthy. A great way to divide them is by acknowledging feelings that are uncomfortable and comfortable instead of good and bad.

In any relationship, there are two sets of emotions: one from each party. You have your bag of emotions, perceptions of the world and feelings…

and so. does. your. child. 

It’s very important that you are aware of yourself, first.

7 Ways to Work on Your Own Big Feelings: 

Read Next: Start Off Your Mornings With the Right Intention

Once we are aware of when we hit our stress response (fight, flight or freeze) and become either angry, frustrated, sad, or distant, we can acknowledge those feelings. Having a big feeling is totally okay, but it’s what we do with those emotions that matter in our own and our children’s lives. 

What To Do with Heightened Emotions

By using some of the strategies listed above, we can be fully aware of when we’re feeling unhappy. In order for our kids to learn how to be in control of their own emotions, we must model and do the same ourselves. 

Have you ever found yourself yelling, “Why are you yelling and being so rude to me?” I know I have! But do you see the irony?

There are going to be times where our heart rates just won’t come down.

This may be because we didn’t get emotion coaching as a child and there is something metaphorically blocking the gateway from our stress response to our thinker part of our brains. Being aware of this blockage can help reroute neural pathways. And if we really can’t get it together in the moment, that’s okay! Instead of lashing out either verbally or physically, do this one thing…

FOR YOU! You can download a free Emotion Coach Printable when you sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter

STOP!

(and if you need to, leave the room to calm down)

Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting teaches parents to Stop, Pause and Breathe. I’ve adapted it a little to Stop, Pray and Breathe.

When stuff hits the fan and I’m ready to go into battle, before even entering the battlefield, I stop. Well, let’s be real, this is my goal. 

Secondly, we need to attune to our kids’ emotional needs. When they are displaying a certain feeling, it is most beneficial if we realize that their emotions may be expressed differently than ours. Also, because of their underdeveloped brains, they may not be able to regulate as quickly and easily.

It’s very common for kids who are neurodiverse to have challenges in this area. So by being aware that certain emotions are out of the child’s full control, we can move onto the next step with confidence and a gentle state of mind. 

boy mom

Step 2: When A Child is Emotional, Acknowledge it is a Time to Connect

Kids get upset.

Their little brains have a lot to learn when it comes to regulating emotions. When they are crying or angry, it’s not usually a time when parents see it as an opportunity to connect. But by understanding what emotions are, it’s one of the best times to show a child he or she is loved and cared for. 

Strong parent-child relationships happen when there is caring communication so that a healthy attachment can form. If a child feels anything but loved every time he or she shows emotion, the relationship with that parent will slowly turn into a fear-based one or it will grow apart. 

In order to achieve this, contingent communication should be the goal. I just read Parenting From the Inside Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. They say, “Signals sent by the child are directly perceived, understood, and responded to by the parent in a dance of communication that involves mutual collaboration.”

Both parties feel good. This is at the heart of a strong parent-child connection. 

Emotional distress occurs when a person does not receive the communication he or she needs. It’s very confusing to a child if he is feeling one way but his parent is on a different page because kids require connection. When this happens, kids tend to not open up as much in fear that they won’t be understood. 

You may not have grown up in a house where the focus was on connection but rather, correction and compliance. That’s a whole lot of c’s!

raising boys with Emotional Intelligence

In No-Drama Discipline (another book I highly recommend!) by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel Siegel, they give specific ways to connect with a child and I’ve found some other ways to achieve this.

10 Ways to Use Your Children’s Emotions to Connect With Them:

  1. Stop, Pause and notice the child’s emotions and how they are acting before jumping in immediately.
  2. Actively listen to your child. Fully listen without making assumptions or formulating a response to fire back.
  3. Get on or below your child’s eye level.
  4. Lovingly touch his or her arm while communicating.
  5. Show sincere non-verbal empathic facial expressions.
  6. Nod in an agreement or even if you don’t agree, show that you are trying to understand his or her point of view.
  7. Validate your child’s feelings by acknowledging how they feel and you can even give a time where you felt the same exact way (if their emotions aren’t too out of control and they are in a teachable state).
  8. Use reflective listening – summarize what you hear your child saying and repeat it back to him or her. 
  9. Once the dust has settled, savor your time together.
  10. Be fully present and eliminate distractions.

Read More: Find time to spend quality time together to create an even stronger connection

Step 3: Teach Your Child How to Name His or Her Emotions

Emotions are something we are constantly pointing out in our family. Even our toddler is aware of when a baby is sad or his brother is angry.

The first step to emotional intelligence is to be able to name what a specific emotion is. Once kids have the language to attach to how they feel, it can help them work out those feelings and have a healthy relationship with emotions. 

8 basic emotions

Psychologist Robert Plutchik developed a wheel of emotions that stem from these eight basic emotions:

  • Joy
  • Sadness
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Surprise
  • Anticipation
  • Trust
  • Disgust

This is a great place to start. Then once they have these down, you can move on to even more emotions. Check this bad boy out (Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions):

emotion wheel

In fact, when a child can label his or her emotions, he or she is less likely to turn those feelings into physical aggression. Saying, “I’m angry” is the first step to not using hands to express that same emotion. 

8 Fun Ways to Help Kids Label Emotions: 

  1. Alphabet Game | This can be played anywhere. You go through the alphabet and try to come up with an emotion that starts with that letter. I’ll start, “A is for Affectionate.” Now it’s your turn!
  2. Use Books! | While reading to your child, point out characters in the book and ask questions like, “How do you think she is feeling?” “Look at his face, is he happy, sad, angry or afraid?”
  3. Read Books That Teach Social-Emotional Intelligence | There are some great books out there about feelings, empathy and being socially aware for all ages.
  4. People Watch | I do this mainly with my toddler, but anytime there is another toddler or baby crying or laughing, I ask my little guy, “How is she feeling right now?”
  5. Color by Number | A friend of mine got coloring sheets from the Dollar Spot at Target that teaches emotional intelligence! There are colors assigned to different emotions. Then, every day, she discusses with her daughter how she felt. She picks an emotion and colors one section of the picture. At the end of the month, she can see all the different emotions she was feeling. What a great way to bring emotional awareness!
  6. Watch and Pause | Watch a show together and randomly pause it. Point out the characters and ask what kind of emotion they are displaying.
  7. Big Life Journal | Learning to journal while kids are young is a great way to get in touch with what’s going on inside.
  8. Draw Emotions | Use a coloring sheet to teach your kids how to draw different facial expressions.

Step 4: Communicate Empathy and Understanding

Children do best when they feel like they have ideas that are valued, they can solve their own problems and they know you trust in their abilities.

And don’t we all just want to be loved and feel understood?

emotional intelligence in toddlers

We can feel like we are pouring all this love on our kids but if they don’t also feel like we get them, there’s a missing link.

When a child is lashing out or not acting in a way you would like, there’s this common thinking that validating his or her feelings mean you are giving in or allowing the child to get away with something. After reading about the brain, neurotransmitters and how neural pathways are formed, this thinking is incorrect. And I see it in my own home every day.

Understanding feelings is not condoning defiant behavior.

It’s MUCH easier for a child to behave in an appropriate manner or follow rules if they feel validated.

What has helped me is putting myself in my child’s shoes and asking, “Would I like it if someone spoke to me that way or downplayed my beliefs?”

Oftentimes, we unintentionally treat kids in a way that we would never want to be treated especially when we are experiencing uncomfortable emotions.

Here are a Few Ways Your Child Will Feel Like You Care:

  • Acknowledge feelings without judgment. We need to keep our own opinions as opinions. Allow your child to make her own decisions.
  • Share the message that the way he is feeling is not only okay but accepted. It’s as if you give your child permission to experience whatever emotion he has at the time.
  • Be sensitive to his or her feelings. Don’t brush off how he or she feels just because you think it is silly or it doesn’t make any sense to you.
  • Once you show them you are aware of how they are feeling, connect with how you have felt that way one time. This piece has been very helpful with my kids.
develop emotional intelligence in your child

Step 5: Set Limits and Problem Solve

This one is my FAVORITE piece for developing emotional intelligence!

Over time my kids have started coming up with solutions without my help making me realize how important this is to teach.

Because I’m a control freak, I naturally want to come in and solve my kids’ problems for them. If we do this too much, they become unable to see problems and are unable to work through them without your help. Then they get to adulthood and every slight problem is an astronomical crisis. Do you know anyone like that?

Also, teaching kids how to solve their own problems gives them self-confidence, makes them more independent which essentially makes them feel good about themselves, helps them become more creative and develop grit.

Great Ways to Help Your Child Problem-Solve:

  • Redirect | This is a superpower especially with toddlers! Redirect them for behavior that is unwanted not emotions that are uncomfortable.
  • Show Me The Hard Part | By asking your child to show you the hard part, it gets her to think about what she has to overcome or solve.
  • Teach Your Kids Problem-Solving Steps (These come from Big Life Journal)
    1. What am I feeling?
    2. What’s the problem?
    3. What are the solutions?
    4. What would happen if…?
    5. Which one should I try?
  • Ask questions to get your child thinking
    • How can you solve this?
    • I see you have a problem, can you think of three ways that would fix it?
    • If you do _________, what do you think would happen?
    • How can I help you? This one is often a winner!
  • Break problems into pieces | Help your child come up with ways to solve each piece of the puzzle.

Last Step

The last step to emotional intelligence is to love your children hard.

In your actions and words, communicate to your kids that you are on their side. You want them to succeed and you are doing your best to understand and respect their thoughts and feelings, not forcing them to be who you want them to be.

I love the word “coach” because that implies that we have skills and lessons to teach.

This is a lot of information so I created a printable with all the nuts and bolts that you can hang in your office or on the fridge!

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emotional intelligence worksheet

Comment below if you have any questions! Thank you for joining me on your parenting journey.

By 30 Comments

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Misbehavior & Sibling Fighting

Do you experience this in your home?

One kiddo is gone, and there are butterflies fluttering around, birds chirping and sounds of peace.

Okay, maybe not the butterflies and birds, but there seems to be a sense of calm in the home and no unwanted behavior or sibling fighting.

For us, it’s when one of our older boys is missing. As soon as everyone is back together, chaos ensues.

Or what about this? 

You are on the phone and as soon as you start talking or texting, your child starts yelling for your attention or making poor choices so you are forced to put the phone down. 

The tension rises.

Patience starts to run thin.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

mom and son reading a book quality time pin

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Experiences shape brain structures and make connections as the child learns and grows. 

Every time I’m having a positive interaction with my kids, I envision the neural pathways firing and connecting. This is why the way we interact and care for our child, especially in those first six years, is utterly important.

Humans are born with a primary emotional need for significance and belonging.

Attachment theory explains that there’s an emotional connection between a parent and child that aids in that child’s development into adulthood.

Psychologist World states, “Specifically, it [attachment theory] makes the claim that the ability for an individual to form an emotional and physical “attachment” to another person gives a sense of stability and security necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a personality.”

Simply put, our children desire connection and are wired to want to be connected to you, their parents. When they have to share the attention with another sibling, rivalry or resentment can usually form. Or if you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it. 

Spending uninterrupted one-on-one quality time reduces tension and unwanted behaviors. 

“If you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it.” ~Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose 

mom and son making a paper ninja star spending quality time together

The Benefits of Spending One-On-One Time With Kids

With the busyness of life, although you see your kids often (some more than others), you may not spend the time that fosters deep connection.

It is proven that spending quality time with each of your children has many benefits. Your kids:

  • Gain confidence.
  • Feel secure.
  • Gain a strong sense of belonging and significance.
  • Become calmer and not feel the need to misbehave to get negative attention. WIN!!!!
  • Change their negative behaviors and make better choices.
  • Fight less with siblings. Sign me up for this one!
  • Become more cooperative.
  • Openly communicate with you.
  • Build a strong bond and really connect with you. This time also helps you see your kids in a different light, have more empathy and enjoy who they are.
brother spending quality time together laughing

When you spend uninterrupted time with your child, he or she feels special and gets his or her attachment and attention bucket filled. When this happens, misbehavior, poor choices and sibling fighting reduce tremendously. There is no need to act out to get your negative attention because they are getting an excessive amount of the good stuff.

Read Next: 30 Fun Strategy and Board Games for Families

How to Incorporate More Quality Time With Your Kids

Quality time is very important and can make parents’ lives easier because of all the reasons listed above.

You may be thinking, “How in the world can I squeeze in even more time when I don’t have enough time as it is?” In reality, by spending quality time with each of your children, it SAVES you time because you will spend less time on annoying power-seeking behaviors. Also, your kids will become more cooperative the FIRST time you ask.

Sounds too good to be true, right? 

The key is consistency.

Name Your Special Time

Before coming up with a schedule or time to squeeze in quality time, name it. This would make for a great Family Meeting Agenda topic so your kids can be involved.

Here are name ideas:

  • FOCUS Time – This is what my kids came up with. Because I love acronyms, it stands for: Focus On Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together.
  • Special Time – This seems to be the most common name as it appears on many parenting websites.
  • Mind Body Soul Time – This comes from Positive Parenting Solutions.
  • Hang Out
  • Together Time
  • One-on-One Time
  • {The child’s name} Time This comes from Aha Parenting.
  • QT – Because this is what it is right?!
  • Oodly Noodly Silly Time, Ninja Alliance, Prickly Pear Pow Wow – These came from my brain. Ha! I don’t know! Come up with something fun that makes you or your child giggle. Let your kids come up with something off the wall to make it even more special.

Read Next: 8 Tips For Having a Family Meeting

mom and son hugging on hammock spending quality time together

Carve Out the Time

Dr. Jane Nelson of Positive Discipline breaks down how much time kids need at each stage.

Toddlers under the age of two or three already require a lot of your time and won’t comprehend or benefit from this dedicated time with you or your spouse. 

As they get older between the ages of two and six, about ten minutes every day is needed to build a deep connection. And kids, ages six to twelve, may not need this special quality time every day, but at least thirty minutes a week. Lastly, teenagers may not seem interested in spending one-on-one time with you, but trying to do something once a week or even once a month can help keep communication open and your relationship strong.

quality time infographic

Once you know roughly how much time your kids need, try to schedule it either daily or weekly.

This is where we struggle especially during times where our daily schedule is inconsistent. By having time on a calendar, it’s easier to stay committed. Oh, and you know your kids will not forget.

Establish Rules and Guidelines

It is very important that you establish what this time is and isn’t with your child. Expectations prevent disappointments.

Discuss rules and guidelines with your child to get his or her input on what this time will look like. In “Me, Me, Me Epidemic” by Amy McCready, she lists the following basic guidelines after teaching parents all over the globe this concept of quality one-on-one time which she calls, Mind-Body-Soul Time or MBST.

  • Have a no-screen rule. Screens include TV shows, YouTube videos, phones, computers, tablets, etc.
  • Be Creative. This time can be when you’re in the car, on a walk or run, or when your kids first wake up.
  • Make sure the activity can be completed or reach a good stopping point within the time frame you set. When the time is up, it’s up. If you extend it, a feeling of entitlement can start setting in.
  • Don’t spend too much time coming up with an activity to do. If your child has a hard time deciding what to do then create or use the list I provide for you at the end of this post to pick an activity quickly.
  • Label the time together so they realize the time is special. McCready mentions reminding your child his or her attention and power bucket is full. You can say something like, “I enjoyed our FOCUS time together. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.”
  • Set a timer. If your child has a tough time with the transition, have something already planned for him or her afterward like go outside or eat a snack. Food is always a good idea, right?!
boy setting an orange timer

Ways to Make Quality Time More Special

Your child will already feel special by getting your sole attention, but there are ways to make a lifelong impact.

Below are tips to take this time you spend with your child more memorable. They are adapted from the “Joy Fixes for Weary Parents” by Erin Leyba.

quality time infographic

Have Your Child Do Something

When you are spending quality time together, give your child responsibility. You can also turn normal daily routines and errands into a special time by making your child feel useful. Kids will also want to be more cooperative and feel important when you put them in charge of a task. 

For example, let your child use one of the huge vacuums at the car wash to help clean the car. My kids love cleaning the car then ending the time with a little sword fight. Shhhh, don’t tell the car wash owners. 

Another example is to let your child pick out all the fruits and veggies and let them weight it at the grocery store.

mom and son dancing in kitchen spending quality time together

Let Your Child To Pick The Activity

This is part of our guidelines. As I mentioned above, they may not know what they want to do. Giving options works well as long as your child has the final say. Have your child use the free printable I created for you:

When kids pick the activity, they become more invested. And ever since reading, “Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, I realized that our kids need to have a sense of control (with direction from us, of course). When we hand over the control by giving our kids choices, they slowly build up a stress tolerance that will affect their lives forever. 

mom and son playing a game of Guess Who

Make Sure You Enjoy Each Other and Have Fun!

Let loose during this time. In our family, that usually involves dancing or singing terribly. The more terrible with made-up words, the better.

Find special ways that sprinkle a little extra fun. Connect by locking eyes making sure your child knows you really enjoy him or her. 

Preview The Activity

If you are heading out of the house, talk about what you are going to see. Then, when you are at the location, seeing those will be more meaningful. It may also bring out the inquisitive side of your child. Since they know it’s coming, they will be more apt to ask questions. 

Take Pictures or Video

Pull out your phone, camera or video camera to capture the time together. Limit how many photos you take, though. Possibly only pull out the phone once. I’m guilty of being more concerned about taking the pictures than enjoying my kids. Because of this, they started hating pictures.

Now that they are getting older, they do appreciate seeing memories from when they were little so as long as I can keep myself in check, they will let me snap a picture or two. 

Also, hand the camera over to your child so the moment is captured through his or her eyes!

Finally, once you have a bunch of photos, make a scrapbook, photobook or journal together. 

It’s important to have quality time WITHOUT capturing it. Just because you don’t have a photo of it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. 

Incorporate Play

Use pretend play to tap into your child’s imagination. Play is the foundation of creativity.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive and emotional strength. Play is important to healthy brain development.”

Play allows kids to experience a sense of belonging in this world. 

If you can’t stand making a horse go round and round and round a stable or pretend to be a little girl lost in the woods who is calling for her horse to come to save her, use play in a way that is more natural to you. If you go to a zoo, pretend to be the animal you see or if you’re staying home, play store or use a felt board to create a little scene. 

Incorporate your interests into play with your child.

Mom and son at a makerspace

Review The Quality Time 

Recall specific memories of one-on-one time you have spent together. Talking about these memories will allow your child to bring them up as well.

For example, we use this felt board a lot and one of my sons loves to reference the one story we made up. He mentions the characters we created and the funny things they did. 

Brains are shaped by experience. The more we remind ourselves of specific memories and experiences, it moves into long term memory. And the more positive experiences kids store in their long term memory, the more impact it will have on how they interact and react with their own families when they are older. 

When You Really Don’t Have Time

You may be in a season right now where it is impossible to be consistent with individual quality time with each of your kids. If you have more than one or two children, the time commitment to do this may not be in the cards.

I know a mama right now who has a full-time job and is in school full time and has three kids, under the age of six!

The thought of needing to spend daily uninterrupted time with each of her children would probably stress her out. If you are like my friend, throw the mom guilt away. You are the perfect parent for each of your children!

Here are a few things that can help:

  • First, this may only be a season. Your kids will get older and it will become easier to squeeze in some one-on-one time. Also, there will come a time when it’s not as busy. In my friend’s case, she doesn’t have a lot of variables she can move around, but you might. See if there are things in your schedule that don’t need to take priority. Instead, put your kids into that 10-15 minute time slot.
  • Secondly, find your tribe. This isn’t only for your business or friendship circles but also for your kids. Do they have someone special in their life that can take this time to focus solely on your child a few minutes a day? What about a caretaker, grandparent, family friend, aunt or uncle? If so, spending time with another adult who loves your child will still help keep his or her attention bucket filled.
dad and son building a 3D Printer for quality time together
  • Another idea may be to come up with something super short that only that specific child does such as a special handshake. Every time you do have a second, lock eyes with him or her and do your special thing.
  • Lastly, explain to your kids how important they are to you and that’s why you’re in this season of life – working hard, going to school, taking classes, or whatever else you are doing to improve your family life. Share the love and joy you have with your kids in any way you can. Being open and honest will help them understand a little more or at least be able to reflect back what you were sacrificing.

Quality Time Activities

Now, the question is, “What activities do we do for Quality Time?” I’m so happy you asked!

I’ve created a printable with over 60 activities you can do with your kids.

Fill out the form below to snag it.

quality time activities for kids

The activities are sorted by things to do in the house and out of the house. Some may require more than 10-20 minutes but can be incorporated into your daily tasks and routines. 

mom and son at aquarium with books spending quality time together

How Do You Spend One-On-One With Your Kids? 

How do you spend quality time with your kids? I would love to know so I can add it to the list!

Can you tell when their attention buckets are empty?

Please let me know if any of these strategies or tips help you build a stronger connection with each of your children by commenting below. 

Haaaaave fun!

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Routines for Kids: Why They Work & How to Create Your Own

By nature, I like to structure my day. I don’t only prefer it, I feel like my world is crashing down around me if I don’t have a routine to follow.

I was the same way when I had my first son. Even before he came, I spent hours making schedules in Excel, color-coded and all, to help all of us get in a routine as soon as possible. Ya, I was a bit of a nut. Some of my friends would attest that not a lot has changed but they still love me.

Now, these schedules didn’t always work because you know, brand new babies think they should have their own timelines and needs met {insert dramatic hands thrown up in the air here}.

In all seriousness though, having some kind of structure to our day did help with sleep training, squeezing playtime in, helping with soothing and more importantly, keeping me (as) sane (as the crazy new mom I was could get). 

back to school routines for kids

Routines Are Imperative

Fast forward nine years, routines are more imperative than ever. My son has challenges with Executive Functioning with a provisional diagnosis of ADHD so he needs a routine.

Also, I have found that trying to rush out the door in the morning and making dinner are often my triggers. I go from Unikitty to Angry Kitty.

By having a routine for my kids to follow, there is a reduced amount of nagging to get things done before needing to head out the door. We get to stay on Cloud Cuckoo Land with all the rainbows and puffy clouds.

I like rainbows and puffy clouds. A lot.

What is a Routine?

When I say routine, I’m referring to some kind of consistent schedule at a certain part of the day. Mornings, after school and bedtime are the times of the day that we try to have some kind of routine, although flexible, in place.

Here are daily routines that are often helpful to have:

  • Morning – In my house, this is the most crucial routine we have. I am no longer involved in my boys getting ready in the morning and it’s glorious.
  • After School –Is it only me or does your house feel like a circus complete with acrobats when your kids get home from school?
  • Naps (if still taking them) and Bedtime
  • Chore Schedules and Routines
  • Play and Family Time

Because I don’t want to be more controlling than I already tend to be, we pretty much focus on having a solid morning and bedtime routine and chore schedules to allow for creativity and a little freedom.

Why Routines are Important

Routines are important for both kids and parents because they create predictability which leads to security and can aid in developing self-discipline.

There is so much change in a child’s life that having some kind of daily structure can significantly reduce stress and anxiety. Starting off the day knowing exactly what needs be done versus running around the house like your hair is on fire or you’re being chased by an angry monkey (you pick!) can set the tone for a much calmer and more productive day for you and your kids. And it feels good!

Raising Kids With Purpose Creating Routines

Dr. Laura Markham, author of many books I recommend and founder of Aha! Parenting says, “Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively control themselves and their environments.”

Kids who don’t have set times or places to get mundane tasks done have a tougher time learning to do the same when they are grown. Also, I can attest to not really having much of a self-care routine during my childhood (mainly because my parents working hard and not at home) which has resulted in a tougher time developing healthy habits as an adult.

“Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively control themselves and their environments.” – Dr. Laura Markham

We want our kids to thrive as adults which include brushing their teeth, wiping their butts (I’m not even kidding) and eating healthy without being told to do so. If they are capable of creating a routine that is easy to follow, these things can be done on autopilot and without any hesitation.

The Benefits of Routines

Routines are helpful to both adults and kids and for our relationship with each other. Since implementing a morning and evening routine, I no longer turn purple from saying, “Put your shoes on” or “brush your teeth” over and over and over AND over again.

I barely have to repeat myself (even having a kid with ADHD which is a feat in itself!) which helps me treat my kids with kindness creating a stronger connection with them.

Raising Kids With Purpose Morning Routine

The Brain Benefits of Routines:

  1. Our brains become more happy by increasing certainty. | Whenever people face uncertainty, the amygdala (the responsible party for fight, flight or freeze) is engaged. Routines help us know what to expect keeping our bodies calm and more alert.
  2. We can think more clearly. |The prefrontal cortex (the thinker brain) houses executive functions which allow people to organize, plan, self regulate and get tasks done. This part of the brain tends to tire more easily if used a lot. Establishing routines helps our brain store those tasks in our basal ganglia which is where our habits are stored freeing up space in our prefrontal cortex allowing us to have a clear mind so we can do new tasks and be creative in other areas. Wowzas! That was one heck of a run-on sentence so you may want to read it again *wink.
  3. Our energy levels won’t be depleted as easy. | The Ego-Depletion effect is that feeling you get after completing tasks all day long. After a long hard day, the reason you get the feeling of wanting to curl up on the couch and watch Netflix is that you use up all your limited amount of willpower (and self-control). Having routines can conserve our self-control and energy.
  4. We can lose fewer things. | I love organization and to be organized but because I’m always thinking of the next thing (and probably because I have three little people with different wants all at the same time), I lose things…a lot. By putting simple routines into place, I can better keep track of things. For example, hanging up my keys in the same place every day as soon as I walk in the house has helped tremendously. Now, if I could put a routine in place on where I place my phone….
boy packing lunch

8 Benefits of Having Routines With Our Kids

Routines let your kids know what is important to you and can help minimize a lot of parent-child struggle. Also, we know that kids thrive when there is structure. Because of this, routines can have emotional, behavioral and health benefits such as these:

  1. Kids are more likely to cooperate and be intrinsically motivated to do the task at hand.
  2. Power struggles can be eliminated or at least minimized. This runs true for our family which I mentioned above. Instead of getting into a battle on what they should be doing, I hand over their laminated routine chart then walk away.
  3. Expectations can be established for kids. Routines can teach time management, teach responsibility with chores, establish healthy habits and help your child know what to expect all the while decreasing anxiety.
  4. You can be more consistent in those expectations you have for your kids. Often we assume our kids know how to get themselves ready without any help which isn’t always the case. By having a routine in place (and better yet, printed out!), our expectations will be realistic.
  5. Confidence and independence can develop. My oldest loves being able to cook his own breakfast in the morning. His self-confidence has exploded now that he is getting closer to taking care of himself.
  6. Stronger connections and family bonds are created.
  7. Time management skills are acquired from a young age. Don’t we all wish we knew how to use our time wisely? Getting started young can develop stronger habits for the future.
  8. Kids experience stability and security. A predictable environment helps kids feel safe and protected especially during developmental changes such as synaptic pruning periods and puberty. Oh puberty.
Routine Benefits for Kids

Fostering Autonomy When Creating Routines

Before I get into how to create a routine, I want to bring up the topic of autonomy. So often in parenting, by default, we have our own agendas for our kids to follow without any collaboration. We are the CEO and we treat our kids with a top-down approach.

What if we allowed them to make their own decisions with the amount of guidance they need?

Routine Charts for Kids

Self-determination theory is a macro theory of human motivation and personality (Gagne & Deci, 2005). It is concerned with the motivation behind the choices people make without being extrinsically motivated or rewarded.

According to Good Therapy, the self-determination theory explains the three basic psychological needs people need to fulfill:

  1. Autonomy, or the need to feel free to choose their own behavior
  2. Competence, or the need to feel capable of effectively interacting with their environment
  3. Relatedness, or the need to feel close to and meaningfully connected to others

I mention this because allowing your kids to create their own routines and then follow through on those themselves can develop a strong sense of autonomy. Kids are then able to develop problem-solving skills and great emotional well-being which will be beneficial for a lifetime.

When kids feel capable of making their own choices, the learning that occurs is invaluable. By doing this, kids can also realize the importance of family values, rules and how to be a good human being.

In creating a routine, instead of handing over what you think is best, guide them carefully to choose what works for them and for the family.

Now The Fun Part, Creating Routines

In order for a routine to be effective, make sure it is

  1. Clearly planned | Everyone needs to know what role they play with a plan made AHEAD of time.
  2. Consistent |We have been trying to establish a routine of all hands on deck to clean the kitchen after dinner but aren’t very consistent. Therefore, the routine hasn’t been as successful as our morning and evening routines. After being consistent for a few months or so, check in with your kids and maybe change things up so it feels new again.
  3. Predictable | On some of our routine charts, we listed times so every day we can try to aim to do those things at the same time or at least around that time.
  4. Fun | Add a little fun. Our kids listed “do push-ups” as their last task of the morning. They don’t always do this but when they see it, they laugh.
boy doing push ups

Creating a Routine Chart

As mentioned, have your child be part of creating a chart. There are a ton of pre-made charts available but they are more likely to take part if they are given the autonomy to do their own.

Ways to Create a Routine Chart

  1. Draw one! | My nieces talked to their mom about what should be on their morning routine chart and then drew pictures for each of the tasks. They enjoyed making a special creation that they could use daily.
  2. Make one on the computer | Use a program like Word and allow your kid to pick his or her own clip art.
  3. Use a stuffed animal or favorite toy | This is a great suggestion for kids who have sensory challenges or prefer soft things to touch. Attach the tasks to different parts of the toy that the child will follow in a specific order.
  4. Use a chalkboard or whiteboard| If you have a place in your home with a chalkboard or whiteboard, put the routine on there for a reference for your kids. This can easily be changed as well.
  5. Print out the routine chart I created for you!

Command Center Ideas:

The benefits of routines for kids and how you can get your mornings and evenings back. #routines #freeprintable

Download Free Routine Charts Including a Create-Your-Own

The routine charts are for both morning and night. I cut then laminated them so they were easy to carry around the house. When they are finished, they pin them back up on the Command Center.

I also included a Create-Your-Own. You can open on your computer and add clip art or let your kids draw pictures!

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Free Printable Routine Charts

Tell me, what kind of routines do your kids use?

Creating Routine Charts for Kids

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Calm Down Kit Ideas to Help Kids Manage Big Emotions | Free Printable

How to create a Mad Box to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

 Big emotions run high in my house. Because of this, I have spent a lot of time learning about emotional and self-regulation. One of the greatest ways to help kids calm down is with a Calm Down Kit or Mad Box.

More on emotional regulation and a Calm Down Poster for your fridge: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

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We love our Calm Down Kit! It can also be referred to as an “Anger Box”, “Mad Box”, “SOS” kit, or whatever your kids want to call it.

I am a firm believer in getting our kids to take ownership in all they do. They gain critical thinking skills and are more invested when they have a say. This includes helping your kid help himself handle big emotions.

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details. 

Calm down strategies for kids. What to put in a mad box.

Creating a Calm Down Kit

Using the items we had around the house and Dollar Tree, this is what my six-year-old included in his Mad Box:

1. The Box

How to create a Mad Box to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

He picked a shoebox we had from buying his school shoes a few months ago. It had logos on the outside so he decorated it with large Lego stickers.

Decorating the box can also aid in helping a child calm down or engage his or her creativity.

As he was carefully placing the stickers, he made up a story about what each character was doing to the other. The dialog was quite creative. The best part is the story continues every time he picks up the box.

2. Bubbles

How to create a Calm Down kit to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

Using bubbles is one of my favorite ways to get kids to breathe. Long exhales have the most incredible calming effect.

As each bubble is blown, the child can focus her attention on the pretty colors or shape of the bubble and work on that breathing.

3. Calm Down Jar

Calm Down glitter jar for kids with big emotions

Together, we created this very simple Calm Down Glitter Jar. When all the glitter settles, he likes to flip it upside down to watch the clumps of glitter slowly fall down to the bottom.

4. Paper 

How to create a Mad Box to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.


I loooooove paper! Paper is my secret weapon to help my kids calm down. Here are the multiple ways paper can be used to  help a child get rid of his or her big emotions:

Create and Build

My oldest has loved building with paper since he was three! He has created objects like semitrailers (with moveable parts!), bomb bots, cranes, cameras, microphones, planes, and origami. Something magical happens in his brain when he begins to create with paper. It’s as if he becomes a totally different kid.

I am still trying to find the secret sauce that makes him go from angry, not very kind mode to happy sweetest-kid-in-the-entire mode and so far, paper comes close!

Smash 

If your child is really angry, have her crumple it up and smash or stomp on it. Smashing it releases aggression in a very safe way.

Tear 

Tearing the paper up into tiny little pieces really calms my middle child. It’s as if the anger slowly seeps out with each and every rip.

Color or Draw

Use the paper to draw out feelings or color a picture. The drawing doesn’t even need to represent anything. Your child can scribble to his heart’s content as the big emotions slowly dissipate.

One time my oldest drew the way he felt about his brother by creating a picture with a boy whose head was on fire. His drawing made him laugh which helped him forget why he was mad in the first place.

Cut

The sensation of having scissors cut through paper can be calming. Also, the child needs to concentrate more which is a great way to stabilize his or her mood.

Glue or Tape 

Let your child get as creative as she wants. These can be used to wrap the paper, create pictures, glue pieces together, glue other craft pieces to the paper and whatever else your child comes up with.

The point is paper can be an open door to a world of imagination.

5. Craft Items

How to create a Mad Box to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

You can get creative with this by adding anything from paint to feathers. My son put some fuzzy balls, pipe cleaners, colored wood sticks, crayons and glue in his box.

6. Stress Ball

Throw in anything your child can squeeze to get that aggression in the hands out.

7. Playdough

Playdough is another great way to create a picture to represent feelings. It can also be used as a sensory outlet. Your child can rub it in between his or hands, smash it, stretch it, or stick it on her face.

8. Stones and Coins

How to create a Mad Box to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

We happened to have a bunch of little stones and fake coins from a neighborhood event. Items like this engage many senses such as hearing, touch, and sight.

Creating Your Own Mad Box

The contents of a calm down kit for your child will be specific to him or her. Let them pick what they think will work and encourage them to swap out items occasionally.

The Whole Calm Down Toolkit has 18 different calming strategies, step-by-step instructions for your child to create his or her own calm down (or mad) box and a list of 40+ ideas to put in the box. Fill out the form below:

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If you only want the list of Calm Down Box items, Click here to download.

Free Calm Down Kit printable

What Is In Your Calm Down Kit?

I would love to hear what is in your calming toolbox. Or if you have any questions about anything above, please comment below.

The Secret to Building Your Child’s Strengths While Decreasing Weaknesses

“Mom! Look, I’m using my perseverance strength!” is what I recently heard my eight-year-old excitedly yell to me as he picked himself up continuing to follow the dirt path. He had just fallen down a huge cinder cone we were exploring while hiking in Northern Arizona. He even needed a bandaid on his bottom because […]

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