Emotions Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Raising Kids With Purpose

April 29, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 50 Comments

My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy So I’m Doing These 4 Things!

Inside: Do you ever say this to yourself, “My kids are driving me crazy?” I sure have over this time of being stuck inside so here’s what I did to stay connected and not lose my mind!

I couldn’t get to the back door fast enough. As my hand turned the knob, the pressure started to release like I was opening the valve on top of an Instant Pot.

I let loose. But instead of a “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” sound, what came out of me was more of a high-pitched scream.

I screamed on top of my lungs right outside my back door.

From inside, my kids sat and watched me through the windows wide-eyed.

My physical body could no longer handle how I was feeling from my kids’ behavior, being trapped in the house, and being forced to be an introvert. All new territory. Ultimately, I thought my kids were driving me crazy to the point of completely losing my marbles.

Please note: I did explain to my boys afterward what happened and repaired any damage. They found humor in how I was acting. I also told them how it’s never good to bottle up emotions or they might end up scaring the neighbors like me. Oh, goodness.

Two days after this moment, I started to develop shingles on my scalp and left side of my face. Honestly, I thought it was deep cystic acne from all the stress. I was no longer in control of anything in my life or so it seemed.

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Why Are My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy?!

The first step to any emotional challenge is to figure out the why behind the behavior. The huge iceberg we can’t see beneath the surface.

I made an iceberg infographic in regard to child behavior for this post on why parenting is hard, but I realized that it can totally be applied to us parents too! Or at least me!

Crying, check.

Isolation, check.

Yelling, check.

Agression, check.

Tantrum, check if you count standing on the back porch screaming.

So what was causing all these “behaviors”? And why did I feel like my kids were driving me crazy?

This took quite the discovery to see what was beneath the surface.

It didn’t even really involve anything my kids did! Well, maybe a little. They had a focus of a hamster and weren’t exactly motivated to do what was on my agenda.

Paraphrased: They weren’t doing what I wanted when I wanted without considering how they were feeling even though their life just completely changed, too. I offered no empathy and threw everything I know about brain development or how to take care of myself out the window.

Instead of giving them the space they needed or focusing on connection, I kept pushing and pushing until I began to spiral out of control of my own thoughts and emotions.

I felt weary, exhausted, anxious, and out-of-my-mind-stressed because of mom guilt and a loss of control.

There were a whole lot of “should’ve’s” circling around in my mind.

“My kids should get started with school right at 9:00am.”

“I should be able to leave my house.”

“My house should stay clean all day.”

“We should all be acting thankful that we have each other and get to spend so much time together.”

“We should be able to do a fun craft that everyone enjoys doing.” And if I’m being really honest, I was hoping for those moments that I could capture and post to social media to show how we’re surviving and thriving during all of this. Yes, I’m totally giving myself a huge eye roll as I type this!

One last reason I got to the point of feeling like my kids were driving me crazy is because I was thrown into experiencing a brand new way of life. Stuck at home, with all males, nowhere to go and no friends to play with.

While I write this, we’re still in quarantine.

Everything is shut down including parks, libraries, schools, restaurants, national parks, organized sports, the gym (insert huge sad face here), and basically any place besides our house that we want to go to or do.

This is our reality for now and by bringing how I felt into perspective, I was able to chill out a little and start making some changes. You know, to avoid the whole screaming on the back porch incident.

How I Get My Kids to Stop Driving Me Crazy

It took some work but over the course of a few weeks, I was able to lean into God’s Word more, feel wrapped in His grace, and have a shift in my mindset.

The guilt, shame and loss of control slowly started to lift off of my shoulders.

Here are a few things that are helping me stay sane and not let my kids’ affect me as much.

1. I Get Crazy!

This may be a little unconventional but I have spent most of my life striving to be different.

I kid you not when I say, I get crazy.

Crazy as in fun, playful and silly.

Laugh

Anytime I start to feel the stress start to seep into my body, I begin to laugh uncontrollably. It’s scientifically proven that laughter is quite contagious and can completely change the mood of a room (or kitchen during school time).

If you know my kids, you should ask them about this new trait of mine. Ha! I may have scared my boys at first but it didn’t take long before they started laughing, too.

And if laughing doesn’t work, I dance.

Dance

Google Home is my best friend blasting KidzBop so I can shimmy around my kitchen island letting the music move me. Literally. Dancing for friends on Marco Polo and having them dance back also brings me joy.

Just yesterday, my oldest taught my son to say, “Can’t Touch This. Hammer Time,” so we spent at least an hour learning the lyrics while doing our best Hammer moves. “My, my, my, my music hits me so hard…”

Tell Puns and Jokes

If I can’t get my kids to make eye contact with me or listen to a word that’s coming out of my mouth, I begin to speak in puns and jokes.

How can my kids continue to ignore me when I’m telling them the corniest jokes ever?

Become an Animal

I told you I get crazy.

This one is most loved by my toddler who probably affects my emotions the most. His whining and crying over not getting a toy he wants has been getting under my skin more than I would like to admit.

So when my stress response is triggered and I’m ready to yell or feel like I want to shake him (please note: I don’t ever do this but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to sometimes), alternatively, I become a monkey.

Monkeys are the easiest to imitate but I’ve been a lion, snake, and even a mouse. It not only helps my kids listen but it prevents my amygdala from taking over. I can access my thinker part of my brain where creativity is also found.

So you may not want to turn into an animal and that’s okay. It took me a while to get there, too. Ha!

I do dare you to get crazy in one way or another though!

2. I Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is so powerful.

I always thought it was against my religion because I associated it with emptying the mind. Wow oh wow was I wrong. It’s actually about FILLING your mind with all things that are good just as the Bible teaches us. And you don’t even need to be a believer to practice mindfulness. It’s free and for all people!

Waking up early, meditating on script

ure, having a sit spot, journaling, and getting back to practicing my deep breathing are all saving my booty during this time! (I came across these gorgeous leather journals that feel so great to write in and will last for years. I’m super weird and love to have a journal that feels good!)

To learn more about how to practice mindfulness, check out this post: 5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos! And as a bonus for signing up to join my email list, you will receive this Taking Care of MYSELF eBook!

3. I Become One With Nature

Okay, so I don’t really become one with nature because I don’t even know what that means. I wanted to see if you were paying attention.

What I do though is get out in nature as long as it’s not over 100 degrees. We have been hiking a lot on nearby trails and exploring a local nature preserve. Desert hiking is incredible. The wildflowers this year were so beautiful and I can’t ever get enough of flowering cacti!

As I stared at the cactus blooms, I see myself. I am blooming among this thorny time in life right now.

And if we can’t go hiking because of the heat (and rattlesnakes, oh my!), we drive a few hours north to camp. I can’t wait to head to Flagstaff to sit in the cool pines next week. Since we don’t have the kind of nature that fills my soul readily available outside of our door, having a camper is the next best thing!

In an article on University of Minnesota’s Take Care of Your Wellbeing, they say, “Being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, reduces anger, fear, and stress and increases pleasant feelings. Exposure to nature not only makes you feel better emotionally, it contributes to your physical wellbeing, reducing blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension, and the production of stress hormones. It may even reduce mortality, according to scientists such as public health researchers Stamatakis and Mitchell.”

4. I Tap Out

When I just can’t get my stuff together, I physically tap out.

My husband will often tap in. He usually puts the boys to work or turns a movie on, but hey, whatever works! If we were able to hang out with others, I would ask for help from friends, too. It takes an army, I tell ya!

Or I tap out by walking outside to breathe, look at the trees and listen to the birds. Again mindfulness.

If I can’t go outside I’ll lock myself in my closet or bathroom for a few minutes. I thought my husband was crazy for putting security cameras throughout the house, but they really come in handy when I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Discovering What’s Driving You Crazy

If you are having similar feelings or you can’t figure out how to access a state of calm, I recommend figuring out where those emotions are coming from before you do anything else!

Here are some great ways to discover why your kids may be driving you crazy:

Write it down. Brain dump every emotion and feeling inside your body. If you pray, use this time to write out prayers too!
Talk to a friend. I’m beyond thankful for social distancing coffee dates my friends and I have been having. They are FILLING my soul. Also, as I get rid of all the junk that’s stuffed inside, I can discover why I’m feeling that way.
Talk to your wall. I’m not kidding! Sit on the end of your bed and spill the beans to your bedroom walls. Explain events that have been happening, your reactions, and your kids’ reactions. You’ll be surprised at how awesome this works in figuring out what’s beneath the surface.
Pray. Give it a try. Ask God to take the wheel and He will!

Next Time Before I Scream

Next time my kids are driving me crazy, like in ten minutes, my first response is going to be to take care of myself. Breathe, shake it off, and who knows, become a pig!

Although I felt shame and guilt for screaming on my back porch that day, I did what my body needed. I was in dire need of getting rid of all the emotional junk stuffed inside me. Being a parent is hard stuff so let’s all take it one moment at a time.

Here’s to being human!

April 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 41 Comments

How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair them afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.

My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage.

Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane.

I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”

As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven-year-old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on.

It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped.

Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad.

How did we get here?

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Rupture and Repair

When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture.

A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you have to enforce.

Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken.

We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair.

If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.

Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others, and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life.

Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.

This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.

The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy for your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime.

This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope.

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!

1. Calm Down

Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray, and breathe.

Stop what you are doing.

Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment.

And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”

Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick.

Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus by using your senses.

There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too!

Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate.

I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and

repair, repair, repair!!

When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst.

As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need.

If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, or overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids.

Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment.

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful.

He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”

Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.

parent child relationship after conflict

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle toward healthy emotional and cognitive development.

Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back on what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think.

I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness, or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache.

After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy.

For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine!

learning social emotional intelligence through play

On The Laundry Room Floor

The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is that I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress.

As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants, and shirts.

I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.

Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time.

With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.”

He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”

April 15, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 14 Comments

7 Reasons Siblings Fight Constantly

Inside: Understanding the reasons why siblings fight constantly can help you eliminate the bickering, arguing or fighting. This is the first step to bringing peace to your home.

In December, we got a trampoline. My boys play together and get so much energy out on that thing. However, a little friendly flipping competition or play wrestling match often turns into someone crying from pain or yelling because of an argument.

As a parent, hearing kids fight can be painful. Or if I’m completely honest, frustrating and sometimes annoying.

Why can’t everyone just get along? I’m telling you, the world would be a much better place if people including siblings were kind to each other!

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

Siblings Who Fight Constantly Can Be Linked to Poor Mental Health

I am totally guilty of not taking siblings fighting seriously.

It’s very common so part of me thought it was good for character development.

For the most part, our boys play really well together and can be best friends.

However, there are many times when their play wrestling goes a step too far. Also, if one boy is tired, hungry, needing attention, or all of the above, the fighting escalates to an unsafe level. And it never fails that one of my older boys will fight with my toddler over who owns what toy.

Why does that even matter?!

I don’t love that they fight, but I also know I can’t be the person solving their problems. There’s no way I could show up for them if I did; I would run out of gas by midday.

Whenever I’m facing any kind of parenting problem, my first go-to is to hit the research. Yes, I pray and have mommy intuition, but the research is usually right on.

I was looking for studies on the reasons siblings fight constantly and what kept coming up was…

Siblings fighting can actually lead to poor mental health.

According to Science Daily, “Fights between siblings are so common they’re often dismissed as simply part of growing up. Yet a new study finds that sibling aggression is associated with significantly worse mental health in children and adolescents. In some cases, the effects of sibling aggression on mental health were the same as those of peer aggression.”

Therefore, when siblings fight constantly, it can cause problems that should not be shoved under the rug or shrugged off. Instead, we need to communicate to our kids how important it is to get along or leave the other sibling alone.

7 Reasons Siblings Fight

To fix the problem, we need to know why the problem exists. The reasons below are adapted by Kids Health with a few of my own observations.

1. Development

One reason brothers and sisters constantly fight is because of brain development. Kids may not have the skills to understand why their siblings are acting a certain way. Or it can be how they are trying to figure out the world.

A common saying is that relationships take work.

This rings even more true for growing children whose brains don’t have the skills to interpret how another person feels let alone unpack his or her own feelings.

constant fighting between toddler and older siblings

3 General Stages That Impact Siblings Fighting:

Toddlers & Preschoolers | Discovering independence, beginning to understand possession
School-Age Kids | Fighting for autonomy, having a strong sense of equality (or what is or isn’t fair) and knowing what’s right and wrong.
Pre-teens and Teenagers | Coming into their own, discovering who they are apart from their parents.

2. Self-Regulation Development

The ability to self-regulate is a huge one.

Neurotypical kids usually start to self-regulate by ages four or five. However, if your child has asynchronous development happening in his or her brain as my boys do, then this skill may come later.

Kids need to manage their own problems and stress responses before being able to understand others. You can find more information on self-regulation in this post.

For You! By subscribing to be part of the Raising Kids With Purpose community, you will receive a free calm down toolkit.

3. Personality

It’s no secret that some personalities just don’t mix.

According to the Child Development Institute, “Personality is determined by the interaction of temperament traits with the environment. Each person (including your child) comes with factory-installed wiring.”

Your kids could have temperaments that don’t mesh well. This is not an excuse to allow them to fight, but rather, something worth looking into to see how they can build each other up. A great way to do this is to have each kiddo learn what their siblings’ core character strengths are.

Besides looking at their strengths, there are nine temperamental traits that may help you discover why contention rises. They are activity level, distractibility, intensity, regularity, sensory threshold, approach/withdrawal, adaptability, persistence, and mood.

Any bells going off as you read through those attributes?

I can hear the sirens blaring as I skim past every single one!

Something else to keep in mind is when kids have special needs or behavioral challenges as that can also add fuel to the fire. We have some of that in this house so what would be a small argument can turn into a full-blown brawl if not stopped immediately.

4. How Fighting Is Modeled

Ooooh, this one can sting a little bit.

Our kids learn through observing and imitating. Witnessing conflicts being resolved between you and your partner or between you and anybody for that matter can impact how your kids interact with each other. This also goes for any other influence they have such as television shows, video games, and other people they spend a lot of time with.

It’s important to connect before you correct and remain calm when correcting behavior. One of those reasons is that the way you treat your child will impact how he or she treats a sibling.

And you know what, your kids may be acting in ways that you never do. Most likely, they have outside influences. Kids learn a whole slew of words and actions from peers and other adults in their lives.

If this is happening, bring it up!

I often will tell my boys, “When I disagree with dad on something, I don’t just go up to him and slap him in the back or punch him in the face. Wouldn’t that be silly if I did?” They usually agree and are slowly making the connection of the kind of behavior they should have with each other, especially during a disagreement.

5. Sensory Challenges

The research has been pouring out over the last decade about sensory integration.

Every person perceives what he or she tastes, touches, hears, sees or smells differently from each other. In addition to those basic five senses, there are also vestibular (balance) and proprioceptive (awareness of body in space) senses that can affect mood and the way kids interact with each other.

Kid Sense explains sensory integration as “…the effective registration (and accurate interpretation) of sensory input in the environment (including one’s body). It is the way the brain receives, organizes, and responds to sensory input in order to behave in a meaningful & consistent manner.”

Our family has two kiddos with sensory processing sensitivity which makes them extra sensitive to noise and touch. And these challenges have a major impact on whether or not they can get along with each other.

We used to have music playing in our house nonstop. What I realized is that the extra noise was causing sensory overload which led to more fighting and physical touch between my boys.

There is a common misconception that only children with diagnoses have a sensory challenge. Any child can be more sensitive. To figure this out, simply observe how each of your children reacts to his or her environment. Also, a friend recently introduced me to this quiz on highly sensitive people that you can take for your kids AND yourself!

6. Culture

Culture impacts behavior in everyone. A child’s environment will affect how he or she sees the world including how he or she treats a sibling.

Research even shows that culture may shape how the brain processes anything visual.

This is important to keep in mind when siblings fighting is driving you bananas.

7. Competition

Anyone else have kids who literally turn everything into a competition or comparison? There is a laundry list of reasons why sibling rivalry exists.

Read Next: Quality Time: The Best Way to Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Self-determination theory explains that all humans are born with three basic psychological needs, autonomy, relatedness, and competence. Therefore, kids want to be separate from their siblings and define who they are as individuals. There may also be a need to feel less competent when compared to a sibling which can cause more contention.

Another piece of the puzzle is that kids have what I call an attention bucket that needs to be filled by their parents. If that bucket is empty, a child may be competing for the attention and love they innately crave.

Do Your Kids Fight?

What is it like at your house? Do you have siblings who fight constantly? Or just fight some of the time? I hope that with this list of reasons, you can chisel away some of the problems in order to bring more peace into your home.

As I said, no one wants to hear their kids fighting all day.

In my next post, I will uncover the best way to get siblings to stop fighting which a lot of parents don’t typically do.

And if you know friends who can’t figure out why their kids fight all the time, please SHARE the love.

March 31, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 53 Comments

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos

In this post, you will find creative mindfulness exercises for parents that bring connection and a sense of calm, joy and happiness to the chaos of life. This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

The biggest struggle I have in being the gentle, kind, calm and connected parent I want to be is that my kids are LOUD!

I’m not talking about occasional shrieking when they get excited or yelling that they are open when playing a game of basketball, but rather, talking and being loud all of the time. I can be a few feet from my son and yet he projects as if I’m across the street. My boys were not born with a volume button.

I lied.

They do have a volume knob.

It just goes from 70% to 100% when they are upset or frustrated. It’s in these moments that I need to keep myself calm so I can attune to their needs.

Because I know that in those moments, there is ZERO reason to correct or reason with them if their lid is flipped.

Staying calm when the noise is deafening was so hard for me. I would start to feel like I was trapped in an echoey cave complete with cave kids and no way out.

The key to getting out of that cave is learning how to practice MINDFULNESS!

In order to get out of survival mode, find joy in motherhood, and stay calm enough to make long-lasting connections with my kids, I needed to learn how to be mindful.

In order to get to this point where we train our brains and bodies to go into relaxation mode when the stress (or noise) is high, we need to know how to bring awareness to our experience.

Over the years, I have found a few creative mindfulness exercises for parents that help reduce the stress in stressful parenting situations.

What is Mindfulness For Parents?

Before I go into the specific exercises, let’s talk about what mindfulness even is.

It is a buzzword so I’m sure you have heard of it a time or two. This may also mean you have some preconceived notions of what it is. I know I did.

What Mindfulness is NOT

Here are a few things that mindfulness for parents is not:

Weird

It does not mean you need to climb to the top of a mountain surrounded by llamas and alpacas, repeating, “Ommmm”. That is a form of meditation. Two separate things.

Against Religion

It’s not against the Christian religion. I avoided anything to do with this word because I thought it was about emptying the mind.

Wrong!

It’s actually the opposite and can be used to bring you closer to God!

Something That Has To Take A Long Time

I’ve heard people say they don’t have time to do a mindfulness practice.

This is silly because being mindful doesn’t have to be this long-drawn-out process. It can be a quick, check-in with how your body feels and what you are thinking kind of thing then move on your merry way to clean the toilets or play with your child. I don’t know about you, but I typically choose to play with my child!

What Mindfulness IS

Simply put, mindfulness is the act of becoming aware of your experiences.

That’s it!

Right now, wherever you are, in your bed, in your house, at the park, at a doctor’s office, hopefully not in your car driving…take your attention off of this blog and bring awareness to how your body feels.

How does your face feel? Your hands? Feet? What kind of experience are you having this very second?

That, my friend, is mindfulness!

Noticing what is going on WITHOUT reacting or trying to fix things, or making judgments.

Work with and direct those thoughts and feelings. This helps us enter a state where we can observe what is happening instead of allowing our emotions to hijack our behavior.

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises for Parents

Now, the real fun begins!

Taking time to check in with your mind and body has so many benefits.

Mindfulness can take a crappy day and turn it into a good one. It can give you the space to think before you speak, connect before you correct and respond instead of react.

Being mindful can help you become the mom or dad you want to be for your children and the husband or wife you want to be for your spouse.

There are many different kinds of mindfulness practices you can incorporate into your daily life.

I am unpacking five creative mindfulness exercises that will help you find joy in parenthood and life, reduce stress, not yell and if you want, become closer to God.

All of these can be taught to your children which in turn can help you stay calm.

BONUS! By signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a Taking Care of MYSELF ebook that helps you take care of yourself so you have more to give. Learn how to be a calm happy, fulfilled parent with an acryonym that’s easy to remember!

1. STOP, Pause (or Pray) then Breathe

Stop.

Drop your agenda. If nothing is physical and it’s not an actual emergency…

PRAY.

Then BREATH. Take 3 deep breaths and CHOOSE to calm down.

2. Use Mantras

Ond day while my son was having a sensory (read: intense) meltdown, repeating mantras in my head totally saved me from matching his emotions. Otherwise, I would have totally lost it.

Because I kept repeating to myself, “He would do well if he could”, I was able to stay regulated long enough to help him calm down (this is called co-regulation).

Here are mantras that can help parents calm down:

This is not an emergency.
I can handle this.
I breathe in calm, I breathe out calm. I breathe in love, I breathe out calm. (Dr. Laura Markham)
My child would do well if he or she could (Dr. Ross Greene)
Behavior is an unmet need.
Behavior is communication.
God, I’m safe with you.
I have everything I need right now (Abundant Mama)
Connection before correction (Dr. Daniel Siegel)

Every time you are able to calm down, your prefrontal cortex gets stronger and more neural pathways are formed.

You develop what is called, vagal tone.

The nerve that calms your body down, the vagus nerve, gets stronger. Someone with a good vagal tone is more resilient and can return to a sense of calm much faster.

As your vagal tone gets stronger,

You can intervene
Connect before you correct and
Respond before you react!

Have you caught onto the underlying benefits of mindfulness yet?

3. Breathe!

Last year, I was sitting with a group of women and my friend mentioned how she thought it was funny that her iwatch kept telling her to breath. She said, “Obviously, I’m breathing. I have to breathe to live.”

True.

However, there are different ways to breathe. The way the iwatch wants you to breathe to deactivate your stress response.

You can do this RIGHT NOW!

Breath in slowly.

Hold your breath at the top.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 …keep holding 6 – 7

Now blow out all of the air until it’s all gone.

Doesn’t that feel good? I was doing this as I was writing and have decided air is my drug of choice!!! Ha!

The reason why this feels good is because of a few things:

Your Autonomic Nervous System is made up of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic system is what helps you get into a calm state. I envision floating along on a parasail. This is when you can be relaxed, lose weight easier, sleep better and be happier. It’s restorative and gets rid of the stress hormones. You feel safe and can access intuition and insight.

Then we have the sympathetic nervous. When it’s activated, it’s telling our bodies there is an EMERGENCY!! This is when we go into a fight, flight, freeze or faint state and cortisol levels increase.

If we don’t get out of this system, we can gain weight, become sleep deprived, depressed and sad, be defensive, impulsive or completely shut down.

Get This! A relaxation response takes 12 breaths (roughly 2 minutes). However, if you do deep breathing regularly, it can work after 6 breaths!

I’ve had people tell me that breathing doesn’t work. It’s usually because they wait until they are at their boiling point and wanting to shake their child (which I don’t recommend doing that) to breathe! Then yes, it may not seem like breathing works.

The research is very clear.

Breathing calms down the body. Period. It is also readily available!

Specific Breathing exercises

5, 7, 8 breathing – Inhale for five counts, hold for seven and blow out a big exhale for eight counts. I don’t usually count, but instead, I just make sure my exhales are longer than my inhales.
Box breathing – Breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. You can use your finger to draw a box or square as you count to four.
Scripture breathing – inhale as you recite scripture in your head and then exhale as you finish.
Connecting your breath to your thoughts, don’t just notice it.

You can access a deeper level of restfulness and healing by filling your mind with goodness.

When to Practice Breathing

Here are great times to do deep breathing exercises. In fact, since I do my breathing practice while driving, every time I put my car into drive, I automatically start to inhale deeply. My brain has been trained to take nice long deep breaths anytime I’m on the go.

Here are all the spots that work well to practice deep breathing:

Driving or riding in the car
While rocking a baby or toddler
Nursing a baby
Waiting for kids while in the car
Watching kids play sports from the sidelines at a practice or a game

4. Do a Body Scan

This is something else you can do while reading this post on creative mindfulness exercises.

Bring your attention to each of the following body parts one at a time:

Toes → ball of the foot
Calves → quads
Stomach
Mind
Heart

If we continue to keep ALL THE JUNK stuffed, that anxiety builds up then later explodes. Alternatively, think about how you feel in every nook and cranny of your body so you can release the tension.

5. Savor

Savoring is aiming your attention on positive things in order to create a “bank account” of goodness to draw on in tough times.

I once heard Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting say, “Happiness is not in our brain’s job description…it’s always on the lookout for danger.” That helped me make sense of why I feel the way I do in so many situations.

When you induce the feelings of gratitude, empathy, and pleasure, you are actually changing the neurotransmitters in your brain to give yourself a positive sense of well-being and a strong sense of safety.

How to savor: attach positive thoughts to each of your senses.

What you see around you – nature, your kids getting along, your house you are blessed to live in, certain colors you enjoy

What you hear – music, a baby’s laugh, the sizzling of food, birds chirping, the leaves rustling

What you smell – your favorite food, essential oils, your hair, perfume, your baby’s sweet skin

How you felt in the past – reminisce on past experiences that were very joyful. Savor through journaling.

What you feel – something soft, your baby’s skin, your clothes, a tree

What you taste – think of the texture, flavor, and temperature

When savoring, it’s important that you choose something you actually like.

It’s confusing to the brain if you force positive thoughts while eating chocolate when you can’t stand the taste. Rather, look, listen, smell, feel and taste what you already enjoy.

Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

Yes, we are sold on a lot of ways to find happiness and ways to change our lives.

Some work and some don’t.

I can tell you from experience that having a mindfulness practice really does make a positive change. The more we bring awareness to our mind and body connection, the better we become at managing our emotions and the words that come out of our mouths.

Freebies for You!

I presented on this topic at my local MOPS chapter. For my talk, I provided my mommy friends with a printable that I wanted to make available to you as well. Click here to download the Mindfulness Handout.

I also have a self-care ebook to help mamas be their best selves! Fill out the form below and it will be sent directly to your email inbox.

Share the Love

If you find this information helpful in finding calm and happiness, please feel free to share! Use the sharing buttons below.

Much love,

February 18, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 50 Comments

To The Mom of “That Kid” Who Is Seen For His Behavior (Instead of His Character)

I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged and helpless. Since then, we let our son switch to a whole different kind of school that is made for kids who need to move, explore, and create! This is for the momma out there who sees the heart behind the behavior and a few things I’ve learned!!

It started when my son was two. Many times I would arrive at daycare at the end of a long day of work to see the teacher’s concerned face.

I knew what was coming.

She would tell me all about the behaviors he displayed. That he didn’t follow directions. He moved too much. He couldn’t focus. The best was when a teacher said, “I don’t know what to do with your son. Time-outs work for all the other kids, but not for him.”

The sweet teacher would explain that he sits in the corner of the room laughing instead of feeling bad about his actions. As soon as he came out of time-out, he would be worse than before. “We talk to him sternly, we clearly tell him what the consequence will be, but nothing works.”

Her words were very hard to swallow for the perfectionistic, rule-following mom that I am.

Therefore, this was my interpretation: “Hey lady, you have the bad kid.”

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Then in PreK, the teacher would “discipline” AKA, punish him, by making him clean up after the whole class for knocking blocks down or not staying on the big round carpet. Or he would be scolded for folding paper and creating crazy creations instead of coloring inside the lines.

I know now that he’s not an inside-the-lines kind of human. But yet, that’s what he’s been forced to do his whole school life.

In Kindergarten, I often heard about his behavior and inability to follow instructions. Then that continued on through First Grade causing him to lose recess often. His teachers were always very nice when speaking to me, but the words would go straight to this momma’s heart.

The defensive thoughts would circle around inside my head like a violent tornado…

I don’t know how I can help from home when I’m not there. We work hard to model good behavior at home. He’s not exposed to bad language, images, or anything of that nature. We talk to him. We pray with him. We go to church and love God. He knows how to make good choices. We eat family dinner together every single night. I can’t force him to sit still in school. I can’t shield him from every negative influence from outside of our home. He plays like one hour of video games A WEEK, never watches YouTube and we don’t even turn the TV on Monday through Friday. What else do they want me to do?

Thankfully, he had teachers in both Second and Third who started to peel back the layers and saw our son for his strengths first. But still, the school environment was challenging for him.

I felt like my husband and I were doing everything we could to help our child, but yet, the emails, calls, and principal visits continued to happen.

What else was there to do?

(In retrospect, it really wasn’t that often nor were the “offenses” ever that bad. It just felt bad.)

Then Something Happened…

Before I knew anything about the developing brain and only went by how society, in general, viewed behavior, I wasted a ton of air correcting and telling my child how he “should” act. I also wasted a ton of stickers, gummy bears and reward charts.

I never once asked, “Why is he acting this way?”

Or…

“How Can I Help?”

Then I came across a podcast, Tilt Parenting, hosted by who has become one of my favorite humans on this planet (although I’ve never met her)! Every episode had a psychologist, teacher, advocate, doctor or mental health professional explaining concepts in ways that completely shifted or what the host calls tilted the way I thought.

Most of the time, I would listen to or read the books mentioned. With every bite of research and information I chewed off, a reframe began.

This, in turn, changed the way I viewed my child.

More importantly, it changed the way I treated my son.

During the same timeframe, while scrolling through Instagram, a photographer I followed suggested reading “The Whole-Brain Child”.

I couldn’t get through it fast enough before moving on to “No-Drama Discipline”, both by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. And I’m currently reading their new book, “The Power of Showing Up.“

It was the first time I removed all of my preconceptions of how a child should behave and all the other “shoulds” I was exposed to by society growing up. Instead, I realized what was actually going on underneath the surface and in my son’s brain, mind and body. Also, I gained awareness of my own brain, mind and body.

That’s when a paradigm shift happened.

My son began to change as well. Not necessarily the surface behaviors in school, but in how he trusted us, how safe he felt, how he treated others and how he viewed the world.

We saw his strengths first instead of his weaknesses.

It felt like when Mary pulled back all the vines to discover the door to the Secret Garden. We spent years pulling those vines down and what was behind the wooden gate was beautiful. A precious little boy with a kind and compassionate heart.

Here is a quick rundown of what caused this change in thinking:

Learning phrases and concepts such as “behavior is communication”, and “kids do well if they can”, in addition to implementing Plan B.
There is a difference between “can’t” and “doesn’t want to.”
How to “connect and redirect.”
What executive functioning and self-regulation are.
How to support a child through scaffolding.
That praising my son by telling him “good job” can demotivate instead of encourage and motivate him.
A “disorder” diagnosis does not mean there is a deficiency or inadequacy.
That behavior is “top down” (driven by thought, logic and reasoning) or “bottom up” (driven by instinct).
There can be developmental advancements and developmental delays all in one brain.
The environment is the thing that needs to change, not the child. Also, I learned to communicate to my child that he is “not the problem.”
How to be my child’s emotion coach so he can develop Emotional Intelligence.
Lastly, that my son, who learned his alphabet, colors, and songs much later than his peers, but at an early age, was very empathic and could take anything apart and build very complicated structures out of paper was Twice Exceptional.

Related: Why Praise Doesn’t Work To Motivate Kids And What We Can Do Instead

Any time I would slip up and divert to my stern voice, I would be reciprocated with what I used to think was attitude and disrespect. Now I know, it’s the way he handles stress.

Instead of focusing on correction and correction and correcting more with little results, we became more intentional in connecting first which has built a very strong relationship. Having a strong relationship with my child matters for his psychological, emotional, and physical well-being. And for mine too.

I know we’re only hitting the very beginning stages of the adolescent years and his brain is getting ready to go through some serious changes, but I’m armed and ready with the knowledge that will hopefully continue to shape the way we parent.

To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

I see you. I understand. I feel you.

I know how your chest and hands feel when you see the school’s number pop up on your phone during school hours, even if it’s because a teacher wants to tell you something positive.

I know what it’s like to see your child’s heart and know she wants to do well, but yet, it not feel like that when she is in someone else’s care.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the one misbehaving and that sinking emotion of feeling like you are the one being sent to the principal’s office.

I know what it’s like when people think you’re “that crazy mom who thinks her child could do no wrong”. (Which by the way, I do NOT because believe me, I get frustrated and experience the behaviors, too, I just see the behaviors in a different light. One that is more helpful).

I know what it feels like to worry that if your child is treated (intentionally or unintentionally) like a bad kid he or she will become a bad kid.

I know what it’s like to feel sad when your child keeps getting in trouble.

I know what it’s like to want the best for your child.

I know what it’s like to think the teachers think you’re making excuses for your child because “he’s smart” and is “perfectly capable” of behaving better if he wanted to. (I have no idea if this is the truth, but this is the narrative I tell myself. And if they do think those thoughts, that’s great, but not the truth).

I know that in order for your child to learn, he needs to fail and make mistakes. And I know it can make you feel like a crappy parent.

I know what it feels like to allow mom guilt to eat away at you.

I know what it feels like to be verbally attacked because your child is misunderstood.

I know what it’s like to sit in the car and ugly cry while feeling hopeless.

But I also know what it’s like to champion your kid despite what others feel and see. I know that in order to advocate you need to walk the fine line of empowering and enabling. I know what it’s like to see the incredible compassionate kind heart underneath the surface and to see the resiliency forming and the grit emerging.

And that one day, your child will change the world if he or she sees himself through the same lens you and your husband do.

The Truth

My son will probably never color inside the lines and that is more than okay.

He has been fearfully, wonderfully, uniquely… and exceptionally made. Through his spirit, he has taught many people, I included, more than I could ever imagine about creativity, innovation, curiosity, humor, perspective and what it’s like to take risks.

He is more than his behavior.

Parenting isn’t easy, but with the right mindset and knowledge, we can push through what looks like a pile of weeds, vines and bushes and find the beauty within.

February 15, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 23 Comments

11 Ways To Build A Strong Parent-Child Relationship (Through Connection)

I posted a photo about connecting before correcting behavior on Facebook and got a comment from a mama who said, “I was so good at this in my classroom with other people’s kids, but with my own I am horrible. I truly want to be better but need help with how this looks at home.” “I’m sure this sounds so silly but [connection] is so different and difficult for me.” Not silly at all, my friend. It’s hard to find the right balance of discipline and connection that creates a strong parent-child relationship.

It has taken me years to get to the point where my focus is on the relationship with my kids, not necessarily if they do everything I ask in the amount of time I think they should do it in. Or if they obey perfectly.

Because the relationship is what will last. A strong parent-child relationship is what creates security. And when a child feels safe, he or she is able to take healthy risks, be creative and truly live to their full potential.

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

All humans are wired with a strong sense of needing to love and be loved.

When kids have a secure relationship with their parents, the foundation is being built for their behavior, values, personality, and traits.

Here are specific benefits to a strong and positive parent-child relationship:

These kinds of relationships lead to children being able to have healthy relationships from childhood through adulthood.
When kids feel safe and loved, they gain higher levels of confidence.
It increases self-esteem.
Children are able to develop much healthier cognitive, emotional and social skills.
A strong parent-child bond usually leads to that child being able to face adversity better and develop resilience.

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Strengthening your relationship with your kids can happen all the time from when you are spending quality time together and everyone is happy to the times when kids are disobeying and you’re about to lose your mind.

I divided this list of ways to connect with your child into two categories – before correction and during the other times you are intentionally spending time with your child.

Connection Before Correction

Experts say that kids should experience five positives to every one negative! Just as I talk about in this post about connecting before correcting behavior, kids will respond much better to discipline if they feel like you are on their side and understand them first.

How do we do this?

Keep in mind that every parent-child relationship is extremely unique due to personalities, culture and everything in between. You may have one child who loathes being touched when he’s mad and another who needs a hug when she’s sad. Do what works best for YOU and for your particular child you are connecting with.

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

Did you get that? Ha!

The caveat is to not over-empathize, but rather, give enough so your child knows you see and hear him or her. Validate those feelings!

Seriously though, let’s say my spouse is upset with something I did. I’m going to be far more receptive to actually listen to him without having a gazillion arguments in my head to shoot back IF he empathizes first. I want to know he understands my motive and my heart.

The same goes for our kids.

Honestly, they should get an extra hall pass because their prefrontal cortex where all the rational thought and good decision-making happens doesn’t fully develop until they are in their mid-twenties. Not that it’s an excuse to not be responsible for their actions, however, they may need some tools and skills to help them strengthen their neural pathways, which requires understanding from you.

When your son or daughter looks at you blankly after you asked, “Why in the world would you do that?” It’s not because they wanted to disobey, they probably truly do not know. The impulse control in their brain was probably temporarily shut off.

Empathy should be the go-to whenever your kids face any challenge. You don’t need to solve their problems, but instead, put yourself in their shoes and let them know you get it. For example, if your son comes home from school and is in tears because his teacher yelled at him, empathize with him before unpacking what happened.

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

Could you imagine having a person two feet taller than you looking down and correcting your every move? It would feel like you’re Jack and the Giant is peering down on you ready to stomp on you. Pretty intimidating, right?

Any time you need to correct behavior, before you do, get down on or below your child’s eye level and communicate comfort and safety. This could be a gentle hand on his or her shoulder, a nice smile or a hug.

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

Praise the Lord for my husband who often reminds me of this one. My go-to is to over-explain and do a dissertation of what just happened.

If a child is shut down including showing big feelings like anger, sadness or frustration, there is no reason to talk because they can’t process what you are saying. Instead, listen to what they have to say without judgment.

Psssst: Your child may need tools to help calm down. A calm down or “mad” box can be extremely helpful or you can download this free Calm Down Toolbox printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

4. Become a Sportscaster

This tool has been extremely useful in our house for both discipline and meaningful praise. It’s super easy and barely takes any thought from you. Simply repeat what you see just like a sportscaster does when explaining what’s going on during a game.

For example, “Johnny, I see that you just hit your sister. I see that you are very frustrated that she took your puzzle.” Pause and wait for Johnny to talk. If he doesn’t, then you can continue with empathy to figure out why he behaved in that way.

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

Now that you know how to connect with your child during discipline, let’s focus on building a strong relationship by being intentional with the time you spend together. Kids need to know you like them. Depending on the personality match, you may not understand your child, but it’s important that you find a way to truly enjoy being with him or her.

5. Play!

Kids learn through play. Okay, so playing tea party or superheroes may not be your cup of tea. And that’s okay!

Find an activity your child likes that you ALSO ENJOY doing.

For me, I can play board games all day long. There are instructions and rules to follow making it easy for me to have fun with my kids. Now, if you hand me a Nerf gun and tell me to pretend like I’m a bad guy, it’s not going to be enjoyable for me making it harder to make the kind of connection I want with my kids.

6. Quality One-On-One Time

There are many different names you can call this time with your child. In our family, we call it FOCUS Time which stands for Focus on Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together. Basically, we carve out one-on-one time to do something non-technology related so we can really enjoy each other’s company.

It has been our secret weapon to keeping sibling fights and misbehaviors down to a minimum. Because it can be hard to come up with ideas of what to do, I created a Quality Time Printable with 60+activities to do with your child.

7. Hug!

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” ~ Virginia Satir

As kids grow older, it may not be as natural to hug them or make sure they are receiving some positive touch throughout their day. However, studies show that this not only connects you but it also promotes better health.

Hugs are proven to have a plethora of benefits including increased immunity, better heart health, more feelings of happiness, reduced stress and fears, and boosted communication.

I heard Dr. Kelli Harding, author of The Rabbit Effect, say that research shows that a hug should be at least 20 seconds long to make kids healthier. My 10-year-old boy finds this quite awkward, however, he humors me!

8. Bedtime Bonding

With each of our boys, our bedtime ritual is one of my favorites. Although I’m tired, I intentionally turn off my to-do list and focus on being fully present, even if it’s for five minutes or less.

Read books, build a puzzle, tell stories, journal together or simply snuggle. This time doesn’t have to be very long. However, it will have a life-long impact on your child.

9. Eat Dinner Together

Growing up, my dad and stepmom did something that impacted me greatly. They made sure we had family dinner together every night. No matter what our sports schedules were like or how much they both worked, we sat together as a family and had a meal.

Family dinners have so many brain benefits amongst being good for the body and soul. Kids build bigger vocabularies, eat healthier and feel like they’re part of something bigger than themselves. This is where family culture can really bloom.

According to the Washington Post, “Researchers concluded that regular family dinners were associated with lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts. In a very recent study, kids who had been victims of cyberbullying bounced back more readily if they had regular family dinners.”

Last week during dinner, my husband randomly asked the boys what they wanted to be for Halloween even though it’s nine months away. We spent the next 15 minutes coming up with the funniest family costumes. There was so much laughter my heart could explode.

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

I wrote a long post about how saying, “Good job” to our kids over and over again can actually demotivate our kids. Instead, focus on giving effort-based praised and focus on how hard your children are working instead of how amazing they are to really build them up. Having support like this is a surefire way to create a strong parent-child connection.

Bonus: Download your free Encouragement Through Praise Printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

11. Disconnect to Connect

I’m super passionate about this one. Technology is both a blessing and truly a curse. It’s replacing eye contact, person-to-person interaction and the human connection that a developing brain needs.

I have been working on being fully present anytime I’m spending time with my boys. I didn’t even think I was on my phone that much until my toddler pointed it out. Ouch!

Not only will this model for my kids how to have a healthy relationship with technology, but it will allow us to work on our relationship with each other.

A great way to do limit the time we spend on technology is to keep your phone on the charger in a bedroom, turn off ALL sound notifications, or designate certain times or rooms in your house as no-phone zones.

And when technology is not present, we can truly savor our time together without interruptions.

Related: Why You Should Stop Buying Tech Toys For Your Kids According to Experts

The Reward

How do you envision your relationship with your children as they grow?

I had someone say to me once that for two-thirds of their children’s lives, they will know them as adults. This is, of course, if everyone lives a full life. They went on to say that they want to be good friends with their adult children. The way we get there is by working on the relationship now. Yes, parents are responsible for teaching kids the way they should go, instilling values, correcting behaviors and helping them make tough decisions, but this can all be done with connection in mind, not an iron fist.

A parent-child relationship doesn’t have to be one full of contention. Instead, it can be one that reaps great (positive) rewards.

Let’s Connect

I would love to CONNECT (see what I did there! Ha!) with you!!! Comment below and don’t forget to share this post by using the social share buttons. THANK YOU!

February 9, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 40 Comments

7 Attributes Kids Need to Build Resilience & Overcome Challenges

As parents, we spend so much time teaching manners, correcting behavior, providing ways to make our kids happy, maybe complaining about their behaviors and doing all the things, but why?! If you are like me and strive to raise good humans who can overcome challenges, love others and be interdependent, the absolute best way to do this is by helping our kids build resilience.

build resilience and overcome challenges

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Think of how you build a 1000-piece puzzle.

The first thing you do is find the corner and flat edge pieces to build the outer edges. The border represents the safe boundaries and limitations we need to set for our kids to live inside.

The next step is to look at the box as a reference as you sort the same colored pieces. The picture on the box is the map we give to our kids – the tools, skills, and ideas of how to live a fulfilling life.

Lastly, are the rest of the pieces. These bad boys belong to our children to move around and eventually connect. The act of picking up the pieces, figuring out how they fit together, learning how to overcome challenges, and making bold decisions all within the boundaries we set for them is how they develop resilience.

I did not make this analogy up but rather, recently heard it from Dr. Ken Ginsburg, Director of Programs at Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

It perfectly illustrates our role as parents that’s easy to remember so we can keep ourselves in check. We need to make sure the border isn’t missing any pieces and that we are allowing our kids to put the rest of the puzzle together regardless of how hard of a challenge.

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how kids build resilience and why it’s important, especially in parenting, I want to break down how stress affects the brain.

When a person faces a challenge, or adversity or experiences something hard, the brain interprets that as stress. All of the alerts and signals go out through neurotransmitters and biochemicals to prepare the body to be better, stronger, and more capable. However, this process is intended to be very short-term.

If the brain continues to release those biochemicals including cortisol and adrenaline, the immune and other systems in the body and brain begin to weaken. This is why when we are under a ton of stress, we often get sick or get a massive headache that won’t go away. That’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay, we need to gain control here!”

What also happens is that the prefrontal cortex, also known as the command center or thinker part of the brain, essentially turns off. That’s not a good thing because this is the part of the brain that needs to be activated in order to make rational decisions, organize thoughts and actions, think creatively, and regulate emotions.

The prefrontal cortex brings calm to the chaos.

When a child (who will later become an adult) can develop resilience, this means that he or she is able to overcome challenges, recover from stress, and turn his or her prefrontal cortex back on quicker and more efficiently.

It’s pretty stinking cool!

The more that this happens, the stronger those neural pathways become, resulting in our kids being able to adapt to, recover from, and resolve conflict, failure,e or other forms of stress. Booyah!

What Is Resilience?

Children need to be able to cope with change and overcome challenges.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard situations, manage stress, solve problems, and recover from failure.

In today’s society, it seems to be very common for parents to bubblewrap their kids by over-protecting, over-involving themselves, and doing way too much. I say, parents, which includes me! There’s no shame in that! I think the reason stems from an enormous amount of love mixed with social conformity and a need for control.

However (you knew that was coming, right?!), what this bubble wrap is doing is keeping our kids’ brains from being able to manage stress, overcome challenges, and make their own choices.

Most parents would say that they want their kids to be happy. I often hear moms saying they want to give their kids “the world”. The absolute best way to do this is to help them develop resilience! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

Typically if a child develops resiliency, he or she will grow up as an adult who is ABLE to handle stress, challenges, failures, and whatever other lemons are thrown at them. Or is it lemons that are given to them?! Anyhoo, when children are able to develop the ability to be resilient, research has shown that they are able to make braver choices, be curious and creative, and most importantly, create a bigger wave of positivity in this world.

According to The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, kids who build resilience develop more positive relationships, healthy brain development, and better self-regulation skills.

Instead of focusing on the specific strategies and things you can do to teach kids resilience, I wanted to unpack the attributes Dr. Ken Ginsburg calls the 7 Essential C’s of Building Resilience.

1. Competence

All humans have a need to feel competent.

Innately, children want to not only know how to do something but also experience it for themselves. In The Self-Driven Child, the authors call competence an internal barometer of accomplishment.

Competence is more than just kids believing in their own abilities, but rather, actually taking action and living out those abilities.

For some reason, a lot of parents often lean towards doing most tasks for their kids. This may be because they fear failure, they think this is what a parent’s role is, or because it’s quicker, easier, and faster. However, when this happens, parents are stripping away their children’s ability to be able to handle situations on their own and gain a sense of accomplishment.

A great way to help kids become competent is to focus on their strengths instead of deficits in everything they do including the choices they make, behaviors they display, the way they solve problems, and how they treat others.

2. Confidence

When kids feel competent…drum roll, please…confidence develops.

According to Fostering Resilience, “Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special or precious. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges.”

This kind of confidence comes from kids knowing that they have an adult really believing in them. And this isn’t the adult saying, “Good job” until he or she is blue in the face. Instead, it’s when parents encourage their children to work harder and are there to talk with and walk through challenges.

Bonus! Sign up for my newsletter and receive free strength-based printables with phrases that encourage kids through effort-based praise instead of empty praise AND a worksheet that helps you figure out your child’s strengths so you can build upon them.

overcoming challenges through mother son connection

3. Connection

If you’ve been around me in person or online, you know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of connection. If our kids feel connected to us first, everything else falls in line and parenting doesn’t have to feel so stinking hard.

If kids feel like they are seen, safe, and heard, they are more likely to make better choices, be creative, and take risks.

Connections made with not only parents but also community members, friends, extended family, teachers, and coaches show kids that they really matter. That life is worth living.

Then, a sense of security is created that later becomes the prevention of more harmful or destructive choices in life for a myriad of reasons.

4. Character

Kids need to understand and gain a sense of what is right and wrong. Regardless of what your individual family’s values are, it’s important that your kids know them and more importantly, see you living those values out.

Although your kids’ beliefs may change, being part of a family that has a strong sense of who they are is powerful. It provides the backbone for his or her character. A great time to reiterate your beliefs and values is during family meetings.

How your kids act when you’re not around is a good indicator of their character. If the way they behave away from you doesn’t fall in line with your family’s values, take some time to do character-building.

One of my favorite ways we have done this is by teaching our kids how to have a strong sense of gratitude. Sometimes they still appear as if they are ungrateful children, but for the most part, they are thankful for all the blessings in their lives.

5. Contribution

Something magical happens when children realize the world is a better place because they are part of it!

Take a look at how most schools motivate kids. They resort to physical rewards like stickers, treasure box items, and other empty verbal praise. However, the research shows that these extrinsic motivators actually can demotivate kids because once they’re gone, there is no reason to keep engaging in that behavior. Also, some kids may feel like they will never receive those rewards so they don’t bother trying. We have seen that time and time again with our boys.

Instead, the focus should be getting kids to intrinsically motivate themselves from the inside out. When a child begins to understand the importance of personal contribution, he or she can truly find their purpose. And when anyone has a sense of purpose, motivation to do better comes naturally and is there to stay.

Lastly, contribution isn’t just about giving but also helping kids to learn how to be good receivers as well.

build resilience in kids by giving them life skills

6. Coping Skills

All people need to learn how to effectively cope with and work through stress. If not, it becomes too much for the body and brain. This is why emotion coaching is so important. Kids need to know it’s healthy to express emotions but then know how to manage those emotions.

Coping skills include the choices that someone makes to overcome challenges. Do they resort to negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to bandaid their feelings or do they have another way to work through those problems?

This is such a gift all parents can give their kids. Not all things work out the way we want them to so we need to have a Plan B, C, and sometimes even D!

7. Control

I see this as a culprit for contention in parent-child relationships all the time!

Every human is born with a sense of needing to have control over their own lives. However, a lot of parents misinterpret their role of being responsible for their kids. They feel the need to fully control their kid’s choices, behaviors, and actions.

When children have control over their own lives, they know that when a challenge arises, they have the power to bounce back. Powerful, right?

Ginsburg says, “A young person who feels ‘everything always happens to me’ tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. He sees control as external—whatever he does really doesn’t matter because he has no control of the outcome.” [source]

When we look at it that way, it makes handing over the reins to our kids a little easier. Again, as long as we still have the boundaries and limitations in place to protect their choices and guide them in the way they should go.

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

In order for our children to build resilience, we must be intentional. Instead of jumping to reactive mode, take time to connect with your child first and let them know you believe in them. Support the decisions your kids make and give them the opportunity to build their masterpiece puzzle within the flat edge pieces you build around them.

The more they work on all of these skills, the easier it will be for them to pick themselves up every time they get knocked down.

January 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 76 Comments

7 Ways Kids Can Develop Self-Awareness Skills (That Also Help With Kindness & Empathy!)

We were having a heck of a time with one of our kids until he started to develop self-awareness skills. Having a differently wired brain, he is developmentally delayed in empathy and understanding other people especially compared to other kids his age. He would get extremely explosive. As you can imagine, it started to take a toll on him and our whole family. We did everything we could to help him manage his big feelings.

Recently, I decided to teach him about his brain.

I’m not really sure what took me so long because learning facts is his jam. Earlier in the year, we read a Science Comics Book about the brain that we both loved, but I never thought of using that information to help him become aware of his emotions and actions.

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The day after he learned the hand model of the brain, he became aware of his big emotions and stopped all of his anger right in its tracks. Ever since he has been able to self-regulate much quicker.

Pssst: Does your child struggle with big emotions? Download this free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What is Self-Awareness?

Simply put, it’s becoming aware of one’s self.

For children, it’s important that we teach self-awareness skills such as knowing how their strengths, weaknesses, and personality affect their choices and the way they treat the people in their lives. When the child is receptive, it’s much easier for empathy to develop as he or she can better understand others. This then typically trickles down to being more kind.

Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

When kids are self-aware, they are able to understand themselves in relation to the world around them. Besides learning who they are as a person, self-awareness helps them dig a little deeper to decode how their emotions impact what they do.

Here are many benefits of self-awareness:

Higher levels of emotional intelligence
The ability to empathize, be more compassionate and kind
Better communication and listening skills
Critical thinking skills
The ability to make better decisions
Stronger relationships
Better leadership skills

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills

There are many ways to teach self-awareness, however, these are what I found to be the most effective ways.

1. Learn From You!

As in anything with parenting, our kids’ behaviors and actions begin with us! We cannot expect our children to do something when we do the opposite. They learn far more from our actions than our words.

I was just listening to Brene Brown’s, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting where she tells a story of her daughter calling herself an idiot for doing something wrong. She explained to her daughter that calling herself those names was unhelpful and led to shame. She then discussed other ways to work through that situation. But then while Brene was cooking spaghetti, she dropped the sauce spoon making a huge mess. As she picked up the spoon she said out loud, “I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid?” She then presents this question: What is a more powerful message? I’ll let you answer that one!

When it comes to teaching kids self-awareness skills, it’s important to model self-awareness yourself.

Use everyday moments to show your children how you handle situations.
When you are experiencing big emotions like anger or frustration, talk about those feelings and what you are planning on doing to overcome them.
Give yourself a calm-down time when the big feelings become overwhelming. It’s not uncommon for me to tell my kids, “I am getting very upset right now, so I’m going to leave the room and come back when I’m calm.”
Take time for yourself and let your kids see that you spend time processing life, praying or practicing mindfulness.

For You! Grab my Free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter here!

2. Learn How To Express Feelings

It has taken some time, but teaching my kids how to use “I” statements along with “Bug and a Wish” has been extremely helpful in developing their self-awareness skills.

“I” Statements

Help your children understand how the outside world and their external experiences affect their internal state. You do this by teaching them to use this statement:

“I feel _____(emotion)_____ when _____(the cause of the feeling)_____.”

For example, “I feel mad when you hit the back of my head.” By revealing the cause of the big feeling, your kids will have a better understanding of what they can do to make them feel better.

Bug and a Wish

This little trick comes from Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline. You teach your kids to say,

“It bugs me when _____(what the other person did)_____, I wish you would _____(the action you would like for that person to take)_____.”

For this phrase, we did need to create parameters such as no name-calling and that it needs to be genuine. When used correctly, it not only helps the other person understand what is going on, but it also gives the child saying the statement a deeper understanding of his or her own feelings.

teaching self-awareness skills through expressing feelings

3. Become Effective Problem Solvers

Another way kids can learn self-awareness skills is by coming up with solutions to their own problems.

Oftentimes when kids face a predicament, they look to us to fix it and we often do. Instead of jumping in to rescue our kids especially because the emotions are too much to handle, let your child work it out. This doesn’t mean you leave your kids in the wilderness to forge food for themselves but rather give them the tools needed.

Big Life Journals has many GREAT resources that are broken down by ages and stages that help you teach problem-solving skills to your children.

Here are some simple tips that teach kids how to tackle their own problems and how to be aware of their feelings through the process:

Help your kids learn how to pause before reacting (or over-reacting) to identify what the problem is.
Ask your kids to show you the hard part. By breaking it down, your kids will be able to process why they can’t come to a solution. Then with your guidance, they will be able to solve it themselves.
Use your child’s favorite characters by asking, “What would (insert characters such as Daniel Tiger or Harry Potter) do in this situation?”
Teach your kids how to come up with a few solutions right away. If they really can’t think of anything, give them a few options.
Become your child’s emotion coach by naming and validating their feelings, helping them process their emotions, and brainstorming solutions.

When kids can come up with their own solutions to problems, it allows them to be self-aware so they don’t have to rely on you.

4. Gain Estimation and Prediction Skills

This one is probably not something you typically think of when it comes to developing self-awareness skills in kids. However, it’s a great skill to learn especially with those who have executive functioning challenges.

Before doing something such as playing a game, doing homework, attending an event, performing in a sport or taking a test, have your kids predict how they will do.

timers help kids learn time management skills

Slowly, they will get a better sense of time and not drive you crazy when you’re trying to get out the door while they decide to start a new project that takes an hour instead of two minutes.

You can start simply by estimating how easy or difficult a task is before starting it. Having your kids gauge their own abilities so that they can later self-reflect is a great way to help them develop self-awareness skills in all areas of their lives.

5. Become Empathic

In our house, we have found that one of our kids was born altruistic and empathy comes naturally to him. Whereas, another son has needed to be taught.

Typically when a child can understand him or herself, understanding others becomes easier. However, I think empathy can also teach self-awareness skills, especially for kids who struggle with looking inward. They can use how others feel and act to reveal their own emotions and behaviors.

Gratitude also goes hand in hand with empathy and self-awareness. I created a Gratitude Toolkit for Kids to help them develop these skills. You can download it here!

6. Doing Self-Reflection

Every night before bed, my son and I take less than five minutes to write in his One Question a Day for Kids Journal. Every day has a prompt to help him self-reflect about his day, interests, or experiences. It also gets him to think about who he wants to become (not just what he wants to become!). My other son works on his Big Life Journal weekly which focuses on self-reflection as well as a growth mindset.

Self-reflection is the act of setting aside time every day to look at yourself as a person and whatever roles you fill. For example, with my sons, their self-reflection time acknowledges their lives as brothers, students, friends, sons, and energetic boys!

Reflecting back on how the day went is a great way for kids to dig deeper into who they are and who they are becoming.

7. Understand Their Own Brain

I ended with this one because it’s MY FAVORITE!

Surprisingly, this is not a common tip that comes up when searching for ways to teach kids self-awareness skills. However, as I mentioned in the opening story, it has been life-changing for my son to understand himself and understand others.

I wonder what people out in public think when they hear him telling me that his three-year-old brother’s amygdala needs to calm down. Ha!

However, this has been a strategy to help him understand his brother’s underdeveloped brain and why he goes from happy to sad to angry to mean within one minute.

The Hand Model of The Brain

A great way to teach kids about their brains is by using the hand model which comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s books, Parenting From the Inside Out and The Whole-Brain Child.

The thumb represents the amygdala which is the part of the brain that reacts when it perceives a threat, even if it’s only stress instead of actual danger. Explain there is no thought when this part of the brain is activated. It causes a person to react resulting in developing strong emotions such as anger, sadness or fear.

The fingers then represent the prefrontal cortex. It’s the “thinker” part of our brains. This is where organized thought, self-regulation, and focus are found.

When we are in a calm state, the brain is in a “fist” mode as the prefrontal cortex (the fingers) is gently resting on top of the amygdala (the thumb) allowing the person to think clearly.

As soon as the child perceives a threat that could be not getting his or her way, being told, “no”, getting hurt or even being unable to get a toy to work, the fingers open up causing the amygdala to be in charge. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping the lid”.

I explained to my son that when this happens, his stress response is triggered causing him to go into fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode. I then asked him which of those he thinks his go-to is and he immediately responded with, “FIGHT!”

Growth Mindset

One more layer of teaching kids about their brains is to talk about how they are wired for GROWTH! Discuss the growth mindset thinking versus fixed mindset to help expand their abilities and learning capabilities.

Self-Awareness Can Make a BIG Difference

Helping your children become self-aware can affect the way they live in this world. Self-awareness improves self-esteem, allows kids to become good problem solvers, helps them to recognize and correct mistakes, helps them become empathic, develops a growth mindset, and cultivates resiliency.

In conclusion, kids develop self-awareness skills by:

Learning from you and other important adults in their lives.
Learning how to express feelings.
Becoming effective problem solvers.
Gaining estimation and prediction skills.
Becoming empathic towards others.
Doing self-reflection every day.
Understanding their own brain.

What Are Your Thoughts on Self-awareness?

I’d love to know how you teach self-awareness to your kids. Are they self-aware of their actions, thoughts, and feelings?

If you think this could benefit someone in your life, it would mean the world to me if you shared it…simply use the buttons below!

November 29, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 56 Comments

How to Help Your Anxious Child at Christmas Time

My little brother is seven years younger than I am. When he was around three or four, the Christmas season caused him to become an anxious child. Because of his personality, there were one too many completely innocent “Santa-is-watching-you’s” amongst other stressors my parents were completely unaware of until he couldn’t control his emotions.

Eventually, they had one of “Santa’s elves” (pre-Elf on the Shelf Days!) bring him a special early Christmas surprise. I remember being just as excited even though I personally knew the elf {*wink*wink*}.

We tiptoed down the basement stairs together to find a Power Wheels Quad. Knowing that he wasn’t actually bad helped his anxiety dissipate.

This post may contain affiliate links. See my disclosure policy here.

As parents, we don’t intentionally add extra stress to our kids during the holidays. But if you think about it, there is pressure for them to behave well.

Pressure During Christmas

“You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout I’m telling you why…”

Think about those lyrics. And if that’s not enough, in most homes there is now even an elf that is always watching AND reporting back to Santa.

Where does it end?!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I’m totally kidding! I just like being dramatic.

I’m not anti-Santa or anti-elf, because we are all about Santa in this house.

anxious child at christmas sitting with santa

As I get into what we can do to help our kids with their holiday anxiety, I wouldn’t suggest forcing your older child to sit on Santa’s lap. Ahem, like we did. Toddlers are free game though, right? Totally joking!!! We did make sure he was okay afterward in which he gave Santa a big high five. He just didn’t want to sit on or near him. That’s fair.

In the past, we always had an elf but have decided he is more useful staying at the North Pole to help Santa because it was causing way too much stress on our kids. We told them that they could create a landing pad anywhere in the house if they wanted the elf to come – giving them full control of the decision.

One of our boys has Generalized Anxiety, which manifests into angry physical outbursts. The last thing we wanted to do is to exacerbate those feelings. Besides, Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

For some kids, Christmas is already too much then you add lights, sounds, commotion and events that come with this season.

Quick Tip: If your child has angry outbursts, meltdowns, or struggles with self-regulation, download your free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress.

A statistic I found from the National Institute of Mental Health is that 1 in 8 children have anxiety. And less than 1% of kids get professional help for a multitude of reasons.

Read that again.

There are many types of anxiety. What they all have in common is the feeling of panic and/or fear of something that may not even be a threat, not being able to remain calm especially in times of high stress, having shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tension and there can also be feelings of nausea, sleeplessness, and dizziness.

I read the Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D. which I highly recommend! She goes through the challenges of people face who have brain differences, but also the strengths they have that can help them thrive and do far greater things than a neuro-typical person.

In the book, she explains that anxiety involves an array of behaviors and experiences. Every person is wired to have a stress response when they feel a threat. People who have anxiety may have the same physical feelings as a non-anxious person, but the thoughts in their minds usually take a negative turn.

Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Harvard psychologist and “father of temperament”, Jerome Kagan found that brains may be hardwired for anxiety. Following people from birth to adulthood in a longitudinal study, he found that babies who showed signs of being stressed out by simple things grew to be anxious adults.

The Magnetic Resonance Imaging also showed that they had thicker cortexes. Interesting!

I can attest to this with our anxious child (especially at Christmas). Even at a young age, he was afraid of everything – toys that moved or talked, people in costumes, strangers and certain sounds.

More research needs to be done to figure out if anxious people develop thicker cortexes or vice versa.

The environment can and does play a part, but I think it’s important for us to realize that our kids could be born this way. With this knowledge, we can help our anxious-prone children during Christmas, birthdays and every day of the year!

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Lastly, cognitive scientists at UC Berkeley have pinpointed anxiety. The contributing factors to anxiety are:

Overactive Amygdala | The amygdala is the part of the brain where the primal fight or flight reflex occurs. We talk to our anxious child about his amygdala a lot!
Underactive Ventral Prefrontal Cortex | Secondly, the neural part of our brain that aids in overcoming fears and worries, the ventral prefrontal cortex, isn’t mobilized. It’s hard for the person to access this part of the brain whenever fear is present.

Ring any bells for you?

Kids with and without Generalized Anxiety can experience anxiety and extra stress during the holidays.

Taking all this into consideration, kids (and adults alike) who already have anxious brain wiring may not be able to handle all the commotion (and joy and fun and excitement) Christmas brings. And kids who don’t have this brain difference can also develop anxiety as they become overwhelmed.

Anxiety During The Holidays

For adults and kids alike, November through January often disrupts regular routines. I know I keep mentioning Christmas but this goes for any holiday celebrated in the month of December.

It’s a more expensive time of year and the task demands are never-ending. Because of this, it’s good to take a look at the common triggers or reasons for kids’ anxiety during this time.

Common Triggers

Change of schedule
Seeing people and/or family your child hasn’t seen in a long time
Socially demanding events
Over-stimulation of lights and sounds
Lack of sleep
Traveling long distances and sleeping somewhere else
The weather (not necessarily here in AZ as we still get plenty of sunshine. I came from the cold so I soak every single ray up!)
Family tension brought up because of the holidays
Financial stress
Santa! Continuously being “watched” for good or bad behavior

7 Signs That Your Child is Anxious at Christmas

If your child is showing signs of frustration, sadness, or is uncharacteristically irritable, it may mean anxiety is present. Because the holidays can add extra stress, anxiety usually manifests into physical ailments as well.

Here are common symptoms to look out for:

Frequent Meltdowns or Sensory Tantrums | To figure out if these are actually a problem, keep track of every meltdown and tantrum easily on your phone or in a notebook. Look for patterns so you can mitigate the anxiety.
Sleep problems | Sleep can be affected by anxiety but also cause anxiety if there’s not enough. A vicious cycle is bound to happen without proper sleep.
Pain |Anxiety often presents itself as psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, unexplained muscle aches, and other physical pain. Anxiety can also cause a rash.
Other Physical Sensations | In addition to pain, anxiety can turn into arguing, crying, fleeing from situations, biting nails, pulling out hair or what I did as a kid was profusely scratch myself.
Anger | Oftentimes intense anger is actually anxiety in a child who doesn’t have the emotional regulation skills to cope.
Social Avoidance | If your child doesn’t want to go to school or public places, anxiety may be the culprit. Kids will often isolate themselves so they don’t have to face the scary feelings.
Frequent Questions | “What if’s” out of the wazoo! Anxious kids often present questions concerning safety and ask the same questions over and over again.

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

What You Can Do To Help Your Anxious Child At Christmas Time

Growing up, Christmas may have been a certain way. You may have incredible memories that you want to replicate. The problem with this is that it can often give unrealistic expectations for your current family. You may not have anticipated having to help an anxious child especially at Christmas which is why I bring you good news!

There are many ways you can help your anxious child minimize or avoid stress altogether!

Educate your kids (and yourself) |Teach your kids what anxiety is, how it affects their brains, and how to problem-solve.
Set a focus for the season | Ideas include Christmas memories, celebrating the seasons of change or the true meaning of Christmas then planning events accordingly.
Plan ahead and communicate it to your kids | There is so much to do in the community, at school, in your city or town. Instead of going to everything you can, let your kids be part of the plan and put it on a calendar so they can anticipate what is next.
Do more activities with only your family | Savor this time of year by making memories in the walls of your house.
Teach your kids to focus on the present moment | By doing this, kids can keep worrying feelings at bay. Mindfulness techniques work too.
Be open to change | Try your best to go with the flow. Approach the holidays with an open mind.
Be realistic | Have a realistic mindset on what can and can’t be accomplished this time of year. For example, kids who are very impulsive may need more structure to minimize disruptive behavior. Have a realistic plan to fall back on.
Take a break | Ask for help and realize Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Say no to things so you can say yes to what’s most important. Ask for help!
Seek medical attention if needed | Don’t forget this is always an option if can’t be managed at home.
Stay Alive 101 | Try your best to sleep, eat healthily, drink water, and exercise. This is for both you and your children even when it’s hard to do surrounded by candy canes, party food, and events around the clock.
Take natural supplements | We have found using natural herbs and spices helps tremendously with balancing neurotransmitters in the brain. As found in this article by Lyfe Botanicals, turmeric has the ability to modulate serotonin and dopamine. Ashwagandha, maca root, and licorice root all have similar benefits as well.
Reduce Screen Time | I know it’s an easy go-to for entertainment, but screens can exacerbate anxiety by over-activating the autonomic nervous system and increasing cortisol, the stress hormone.
Laugh and drink hot cocoa! | We may only get a limited amount of holiday seasons with our kids. Cherish every moment. Slow down, play games, laugh, and don’t forget the hot cocoa (sans the sugar for some of our kids and us, of course!). Hot chocolate solves problems.

11 ways to help an anxious child at Christmas

Read Next: The Perfect Holiday Gift Guide for Your Little Maker or Creator

The Reason for the Season

With all of this said it’s always good to remind ourselves what this season is truly about. We were given the greatest gift from God, Jesus, and we have the privilege to celebrate his birth.

Despite all the flashing lights (literally) and Christmas music, by showing our kids our love and what truly matters during this season, it can be enjoyed by all.

The true meaning of Christmas is love.

Grab the precious little gift you are so incredibly blessed to have and love him or hard. Open your kids’ eyes to what giving and helping others means and can feel like. Spend as much time as you can together creating memories that will last a lifetime. Lastly, from my photographer’s heart, be purposeful and take lots of pictures!

celebrating Christmas in Arizona - fake snow!

How do you help your child who is more anxious around Christmas?

Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com.

Originally published on December 18, 2018. Updated on November 29, 2019

November 10, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 62 Comments

10 Tips for Raising Grateful Kids

My two-year-old learned the phrase, “thank you” as soon as he could speak. Anytime someone does something nice for him, gives him something or does what he asks, he responds with the absolute cutest, “tank you.” And my older boys follow suit. It sure makes me feel like I am raising grateful kids.

Then, I realized that although they say those words that it’s not always followed up with action or a grateful heart or even attitude. At first, I thought it was mainly because of entitlement but found out that there are other reasons as well.

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My husband and I want to raise grateful kids who are thoughtful, compassionate, and happy. I think many parents have these same goals.

The question is then, how do we do this?

First, we need to break down what gratitude is.

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The Four Parts of Gratitude

When you think about gratitude, you probably think of teaching your child to say, “thank you”, at appropriate times. However, gratitude is a little more than that.

As part of the Raising Grateful Children project at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, the researchers found that parents are really good at telling their kids what to do to show gratitude but often neglect to teach the other three parts.

I’m sure you have said it a time or two…“Now, what do you say?”

Gratitude can be broken down into four parts:

1. NOTICE – Simply take note of all that there is to be thankful for.

Use a gratitude journal, and give thanks at the dinner table or on the drive to school.

Ask: “What do you currently have in your life you are thankful for?” And “Is there something more to be thankful for than just the material item such as someone thinking about you when they bring you a gift?”

2. THINK – Take time to think about why you have the things, people, and experiences in your life.

The best time to do this is when you are having quality time together, around the dinner table, during a family meeting, or when someone does something kind.

Encourage your kids to think about these things on their own as they go on with their day.

Ask: “Do you think you earned this gift?” “What was the motive of the giver?” “Do you think every child gets to have these experiences?” “Do you think you deserved to do that or receive that gift?” “What do you think about reciprocating the gift to the person who gave that to you?”

3. FEEL – Get in touch with how the things you are most thankful for make you feel.

Have a conversation as soon as a child is given a gift or experience. You can even have your child close his or her eyes and really get in touch with how a gift or experience makes him or her feel.

Ask: “How does that make you feel?” “What part of that experience makes you the happiest?” “What kinds of feelings do you have when you think about that gift?”

4. DO – Say and take action to express gratitude.

Explaining to kids what they can do to thank someone usually happens at the moment, but can also be done anytime. Make a habit of creating thank you cards or gifts of gratitude when your child receives something.

Engaging in paying it forward or random acts of kindness is another great way to do this.

Ask: “What can you do or say to let the giver know you are thankful?” “Getting that gift makes you happy! Do you think you would want someone else to feel that way? How would you do that?”

This is a helpful video that walks you through discussions with your kid from The Greater Good Science Center. Check out more of their videos here.

It’s important to look at all of these for raising grateful kids who spread joy in the world and who become better humans and personally benefit from this daily practice.

Read Next: The Importance of Quality Time

The Loss of Gratitude Over Time

The reason why it’s important to be mindfully aware of what it is that you are grateful for is that the emotional connection tends to wear off. This is something called hedonic adaptation.

Great emotions like joy and happiness or even loss and sadness dwindle over time.

This explains why kids are so excited to receive a toy but then within a few days or months (or sometimes even hours, right?!), they barely touch it.

It’s not that they don’t appreciate it, they just become used to it and the excitement goes away. Doing a toy rotation can help minimize this hedonic adaptation and keep you from feeling like you need to buy new toys constantly.

According to Greater Good Magazine, “research suggests that some degree of scarcity and restraint is more conducive to happiness.” This is good to keep in mind as we dive into all the ways we can teach and practice gratitude with our children.

raising grateful kids by teaching empathy

The Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to Kids

With all the reasons why we don’t have grateful kids, and why gratitude is so important to our own state of being and our children’s, I wanted to know,

What can we do to make sure we are raising grateful kids?

1. Model the Behavior

This should be NUMBER one on any top list involving parenting. The single most important thing we can do is model what we want our children to learn and do.

We can talk the talk but what matters is that we walk the walk. Amiright?

If we are never thanking people or are constantly grumbling, our kids will probably follow suit regardless of the words we tell them.

During your day-to-day, find ways to express gratitude toward others. Thank someone who opens the door for you, say, “thank you” to people who let you go in front of them while driving (even though the other driver can’t even hear you; because your kids can!), or return someone’s cart at the grocery store.

When something goes wrong, verbally express the good that came from that situation.

2. Talk About Gratitude

Lately, I’ve been greeting my kids in the morning with, “I’m thankful to see your smile this morning.” Also, “I’m thankful to be your mom.” The more they see that I’m truly thankful for them, the more they will return that feeling to me and others.

Use all the questions listed under the four parts of gratitude to spark conversations. I flat-out tell my kids about what is and isn’t beneficial for their brain development.

3. Volunteer and Give Back

Put your words into action by giving your children opportunities to serve and give to others.

Volunteer at a local nonprofit or better yet, take your children on a service trip.

Most people who go outside of the country to make a change say they are the ones who come back changed.

I’ve been taking my oldest to the homeless shelter to read to the kid residents. The experience has been far more impactful than I realized it would be. He is being exposed to what homelessness really looks like, not just what he assumed. Some of the kids who walk in that door don’t smell clean and are wearing clothes and shoes that are three sizes too big. However, some kids come in looking just like him with electronics in their pockets.

Seeing how others are living and thinking about and discussing their living situation has changed my son’s perspective about his own life. Every single time we get back in our van, his heart nearly bursts and explodes with joy. His experience doesn’t just end there, either. It has led to so many incredible conversations and actions of generosity.

AND because of his actions, his brother has grown in empathy by wanting to give back as well. Because he isn’t old enough to volunteer, he took it upon himself to do a book drive in his class and collected over five bags of books!

4. Create Gratitude Habits

Weave gratitude into your daily life!

Here are some very simple ideas of habits that can lead to raising grateful kids.

Gratitude Journal

Every night before bed, write down three things that went well that day (even if it was a horrible day) and what you are thankful for. Turning negatives into positives is very impactful on the brain. Or if it’s too much to write it down, simply state three things!

Dinner Conversations

Every night before we start eating, we say a prayer and thank God for all the good (and not-so-good) things happening in our lives. Occasionally, each child goes around and names something they are thankful for.

Because I wanted to get more consistent with this, I created a Daily Reflection Card. It’s free for you to download as part of the Gratitude Toolkit. We want to start using these as a way to discuss the good, the challenging, and something we did that was thoughtful during our day.

PS: And to clarify in the picture below: It says, “legos ssssss. I’m a ssssnake,” because something else might jump out at you!)

Use Pictures

If your kid has a phone, text a picture each week of something that you appreciate. My kids have watches like this so I text thankful reminders. This can spark bigger conversations on the topics of gratitude!

A friend of mine said she printed a photo I took of a cactus with bright fuschia flowers. She has it on a bookshelf she sees as soon as she wakes up every day. As she gets out of bed, she uses the photo as a reminder to think about things she’s grateful for. How sweet is that?!

Car Conversations

Another great time to list what you are grateful for is when everyone is trapped in the car! Listening to Christian radio helps initiate conversation. Another idea is to develop a habit. Before you put the car into drive, have everyone mention something they are thankful for.

5. Savor

You have probably heard of this word in terms of savoring food, but did you know you can savor almost anything you experience?

Savoring is when you become mindfully engaged and aware of your feelings during positive events.

When you do this, your joy and happiness increase. Savoring can also improve relationships, better physical and emotional health, and increase creativity.

There are many ways to do this!

Create Mental Pictures

Teach your child to stop and become mentally aware of positive experiences.

Is your child having the time of his life at a soccer game? Encourage him to stop and think about how he feels. Mentally record the reactions of the other players, what it felt like to kick the ball, and even what the weather and atmosphere were like that day.

When my kids make their toddler brother giggle, I tell them to record that memory in their minds. By encouraging them to close their eyes, I have them think about what it sounds like and how that giggle makes them feel. Then when they open their eyes to see their brother’s adorable little face, they record what he looks like in their minds.

I did this a lot when that little guy was born. After having a rough pregnancy with extreme morning sickness and overwhelming amounts of sadness, his presence quickly became a time of joy that I didn’t want to forget.

Fully Experience Every Sense

It’s been fun to watch how this has impacted my son who is naturally pessimistic and suffers from anxiety. I encourage him to focus on one sense while thinking positively.

An easy way to do this is to cook and eat a favorite meal. While cooking, have your child hone in on his or her smelling sense by closing her eyes. Take a deep breath in to really enjoy that smell. Then when it’s finished, stare at the food to appreciate what it looks like. If they like textures, the food can also be savored while chewing and lastly, they can zero in on the yummy taste.

Compare the Experience

Get your child to look outside of her world and compare what she’s experiencing to others. Does she come to you saying she’s bored because she doesn’t have anything to play with?

Remind her that there are children who have no toys and to be grateful for what she does have. Or better yet, take her to donate a toy to one of those kids.

raising grateful kids reading about empathy

6. Read Books About Gratitude and Reciprocity

Research has shown that reciprocity of kind acts is not natural or instinctual. Instead, it must be taught.

A simple way to do this is to read a book that teaches this concept or simply show how you return kindness and gratitude.

We love this book, “Do Unto Otters” by Laurie Keller!

There are many other books that teach gratitude in a fun way.

7. Mental Subtraction

Experts suggest you take at least one day a week to do this practice. I think spending every Sunday night with your child would be a perfect time!

Encourage your child to think of a very joyous event such as when he got a new puppy, had a special time with grandma, won an award or trophy, etc. Then help him process what it took to get to make that event or experience possible.

Next, write down how it could’ve gone differently or what could have stood in the way of it happening.

Lastly, have your child shift his or her focus to remembering that the event actually did occur and that it wasn’t something that was for sure going to happen. Help them realize choices had to be made and certain circumstances had to fall in line to follow God’s plan. Remind them THAT is something to be thankful for.

8. Teach Empathy

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

Empathy is about seeing other people’s perspectives but ALSO caring about that person.

This idea goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence and can lead to so many positive things in a little person’s life such as forming strong relationships, developing acceptance for others, developing good mental health, creating high levels of happiness, and reducing toxic stress.

According to Goodstart Early Learning, “Building an understanding of what others are feeling, how their own actions can impact others, and why someone might be experiencing feelings at a particular time is a valuable life skill for children to possess.” And I believe it leads to raising grateful kids.

Fun Ways to Teach Empathy

Point to and Mimic Emotions. We do this a lot with our toddler! Any time a child is crying at the store or someone is angry in our house, our little guy labels that emotion. When we leave the situation, I ask him to mimic that child so he can get an understanding of the emotion.
Role Play. Act out different scenarios of people with different emotions.
Point Out Animal Emotions. This one can be fun. Dogs and cats can be quite expressive so ask your child what kind of emotion she thinks she is experiencing. And if you don’t have a pet, point out animals you see outside or go to the zoo. How is the lion feeling today?
Talk About Feelings. You want to ask your child how they feel about a situation, but if that’s not working, express how you felt about a certain situation when you were his age.
Make a Feelings Collage. Take your old magazines and have your child cut out the people. Then under each photo, label how that person is feeling.
Play a Game. Find a fun game that promotes empathy and understanding feelings. Here are a few I found on Amazon:

family playing board games to teach gratitude

A gift for you! I have created a Gratitude Toolkit which includes two worksheets that encourage and teach empathy! Click here to sign up for the newsletter and receive the toolkit for free!

9. Give Your Kids Responsibilities

I love this quote,

“Do not do for a child what he can do for himself.”

teaching responsibility leads to thankfulness

The reason is that when you do, you’re taking away so much. Not only a sense of competence but the ability for your child to fail and more importantly, learn.

We are all about giving our kids autonomy in this house which includes instilling the value of hard work to help and support each other.

If you are still doing your child’s laundry, packing his lunch, waking him up for school, and doing everything else for him, start small.

Chores and Contributions

Maybe begin with one chore a week. Let your child pick the time, day, and task. When kids feel like they are in charge, they are more likely to want to help.

One of my boys loves dusting and doing laundry because he gets to be in control of when and how he does it! I also show gratitude and thank him for helping me so I can spend more time with him to do fun activities! See what I did there, I’m modeling gratitude also while ensuring my child isn’t becoming entitled.

Routines

Help your kids come up with morning and evening routines so they can follow them without your help. I let my kids pick the order of their routines, made these awesome charts, laminated them, and hung them on our command center corkboard.

It has reduced the nagging so much and allows my kids to be thankful they can make their own choices and get themselves ready for school and bed without having to rely on me or my husband.

BONUS! Sign up for my newsletter and receive FREE routine charts!

Tools

A great way to help your kids take responsibility and in turn, learn how to be grateful for the privileges they have is to give them tools. We use timers for so many different things from homework to chores to screen time.

Our boys also wake up using an alarm clock. After spending a ton of time reading and seeing what praise and rewards were doing to our kids, we threw all the sticker charts away. There are lots of other tools, mental and physical, that kids can use to become self-motivated and competent.

10. Teach Humility

Gratitude is born of humility, for it acknowledges the giftedness of the creation and the benevolence of the Creator. This recognition gives birth to acts marked by attention and responsibility. Ingratitude, on the other hand, is marked by hubris, which denies the gift, and this always leads to inattention, irresponsibility, and abuse.

~Mark T. Mitchell, Professor of Political Science at Patrick Henry College in Virgini

In order to overcome ingratitude, our kids need to understand how to be humble. This allows our kids to turn outside of themselves.

A truly humble person understands that the life he or she has been given is a gift rather than a right. Humility protects them from expecting to get everything they want without thinking anything needs to be owed in return.

And yet, humility is NOT natural.

Teaching your kids to be humble is a lot of ways the same as all the ways to teach them gratitude. In addition, talk about it and call them out when they are acting as if their poo doesn’t stink. But of course, do it in a connective non-shaming way.

Gratitude Changes Everything

Remember, we have the power to encourage compassion, kindness, empathy, and happiness in our children’s lives. The number one way to make sure you are raising grateful kids is to teach them how to express gratitude for all they have and get to do.

In summary, here are the Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to ensure we are raising grateful kids:

Model
Talk About Thankfulness
Volunteer/Give back
Create Gratitude Habits
Savor
Read books about Gratitude
Do Mental Subtraction Exercises
Teach Empathy
Give Your Kids Responsibilities
Teach Humility

Don’t Forget! Your Free Gratitude Toolkit

I created a gratitude toolkit to help you with raising grateful kids. It includes:

A fill-in-the-blank gratitude poster
A FUN worksheet to teach your child about emotions and how others feel
A worksheet to help your child understand what his or her strengths are in understanding others and what he or she can improve upon.
Daily reflection cards for the whole family
Random acts of kindness hearts to help your children find ways to bless others

What Are Ways You Teach Gratitude?

Do you have a daily practice or volunteer? Do you feel like you are raising grateful kids? I’d love to hear all about it! Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com!

Why Are My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy?!

How I Get My Kids to Stop Driving Me Crazy

1. I Get Crazy!

Laugh

Dance

Tell Puns and Jokes

Become an Animal

2. I Practice Mindfulness

3. I Become One With Nature

4. I Tap Out

Discovering What’s Driving You Crazy

Next Time Before I Scream

Rupture and Repair

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

1. Calm Down

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

On The Laundry Room Floor

Get Your Free Emotion Coach Printable!

Thank you!

Siblings Who Fight Constantly Can Be Linked to Poor Mental Health

7 Reasons Siblings Fight

1. Development

3 General Stages That Impact Siblings Fighting:

2. Self-Regulation Development

Calm Down Toolkit Download

Thank you!

3. Personality

4. How Fighting Is Modeled

5. Sensory Challenges

6. Culture

7. Competition

Do Your Kids Fight?

What is Mindfulness For Parents?

What Mindfulness is NOT

Weird

Against Religion

Something That Has To Take A Long Time

What Mindfulness IS

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises for Parents

1. STOP, Pause (or Pray) then Breathe

2. Use Mantras

3. Breathe!

Specific Breathing exercises

When to Practice Breathing

4. Do a Body Scan

5. Savor

Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

Freebies for You!

Subscribe to Get Your “Taking Care of MYSELF” eBook

Share the Love

Then Something Happened…

Get Your Free Strengths Toolkit!

Thank you!

To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

The Truth

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Connection Before Correction

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

4. Become a Sportscaster

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

5. Play!

6. Quality One-On-One Time

Sign Up to Receive the Quality Time Activities FREE Printable

Thank you!

7. Hug!

8. Bedtime Bonding

9. Eat Dinner Together

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

11. Disconnect to Connect

The Reward

Let’s Connect

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

What Is Resilience?

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

1. Competence

2. Confidence