Emotions Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Raising Kids With Purpose

February 15, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 23 Comments

11 Ways To Build A Strong Parent-Child Relationship (Through Connection)

I posted a photo about connecting before correcting behavior on Facebook and got a comment from a mama who said, “I was so good at this in my classroom with other people’s kids, but with my own I am horrible. I truly want to be better but need help with how this looks at home.” “I’m sure this sounds so silly but [connection] is so different and difficult for me.” Not silly at all, my friend. It’s hard to find the right balance of discipline and connection that creates a strong parent-child relationship.

It has taken me years to get to the point where my focus is on the relationship with my kids, not necessarily if they do everything I ask in the amount of time I think they should do it in. Or if they obey perfectly.

Because the relationship is what will last. A strong parent-child relationship is what creates security. And when a child feels safe, he or she is able to take healthy risks, be creative and truly live to their full potential.

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

All humans are wired with a strong sense of needing to love and be loved.

When kids have a secure relationship with their parents, the foundation is being built for their behavior, values, personality, and traits.

Here are specific benefits to a strong and positive parent-child relationship:

These kinds of relationships lead to children being able to have healthy relationships from childhood through adulthood.
When kids feel safe and loved, they gain higher levels of confidence.
It increases self-esteem.
Children are able to develop much healthier cognitive, emotional and social skills.
A strong parent-child bond usually leads to that child being able to face adversity better and develop resilience.

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Strengthening your relationship with your kids can happen all the time from when you are spending quality time together and everyone is happy to the times when kids are disobeying and you’re about to lose your mind.

I divided this list of ways to connect with your child into two categories – before correction and during the other times you are intentionally spending time with your child.

Connection Before Correction

Experts say that kids should experience five positives to every one negative! Just as I talk about in this post about connecting before correcting behavior, kids will respond much better to discipline if they feel like you are on their side and understand them first.

How do we do this?

Keep in mind that every parent-child relationship is extremely unique due to personalities, culture and everything in between. You may have one child who loathes being touched when he’s mad and another who needs a hug when she’s sad. Do what works best for YOU and for your particular child you are connecting with.

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

Did you get that? Ha!

The caveat is to not over-empathize, but rather, give enough so your child knows you see and hear him or her. Validate those feelings!

Seriously though, let’s say my spouse is upset with something I did. I’m going to be far more receptive to actually listen to him without having a gazillion arguments in my head to shoot back IF he empathizes first. I want to know he understands my motive and my heart.

The same goes for our kids.

Honestly, they should get an extra hall pass because their prefrontal cortex where all the rational thought and good decision-making happens doesn’t fully develop until they are in their mid-twenties. Not that it’s an excuse to not be responsible for their actions, however, they may need some tools and skills to help them strengthen their neural pathways, which requires understanding from you.

When your son or daughter looks at you blankly after you asked, “Why in the world would you do that?” It’s not because they wanted to disobey, they probably truly do not know. The impulse control in their brain was probably temporarily shut off.

Empathy should be the go-to whenever your kids face any challenge. You don’t need to solve their problems, but instead, put yourself in their shoes and let them know you get it. For example, if your son comes home from school and is in tears because his teacher yelled at him, empathize with him before unpacking what happened.

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

Could you imagine having a person two feet taller than you looking down and correcting your every move? It would feel like you’re Jack and the Giant is peering down on you ready to stomp on you. Pretty intimidating, right?

Any time you need to correct behavior, before you do, get down on or below your child’s eye level and communicate comfort and safety. This could be a gentle hand on his or her shoulder, a nice smile or a hug.

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

Praise the Lord for my husband who often reminds me of this one. My go-to is to over-explain and do a dissertation of what just happened.

If a child is shut down including showing big feelings like anger, sadness or frustration, there is no reason to talk because they can’t process what you are saying. Instead, listen to what they have to say without judgment.

Psssst: Your child may need tools to help calm down. A calm down or “mad” box can be extremely helpful or you can download this free Calm Down Toolbox printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

4. Become a Sportscaster

This tool has been extremely useful in our house for both discipline and meaningful praise. It’s super easy and barely takes any thought from you. Simply repeat what you see just like a sportscaster does when explaining what’s going on during a game.

For example, “Johnny, I see that you just hit your sister. I see that you are very frustrated that she took your puzzle.” Pause and wait for Johnny to talk. If he doesn’t, then you can continue with empathy to figure out why he behaved in that way.

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

Now that you know how to connect with your child during discipline, let’s focus on building a strong relationship by being intentional with the time you spend together. Kids need to know you like them. Depending on the personality match, you may not understand your child, but it’s important that you find a way to truly enjoy being with him or her.

5. Play!

Kids learn through play. Okay, so playing tea party or superheroes may not be your cup of tea. And that’s okay!

Find an activity your child likes that you ALSO ENJOY doing.

For me, I can play board games all day long. There are instructions and rules to follow making it easy for me to have fun with my kids. Now, if you hand me a Nerf gun and tell me to pretend like I’m a bad guy, it’s not going to be enjoyable for me making it harder to make the kind of connection I want with my kids.

6. Quality One-On-One Time

There are many different names you can call this time with your child. In our family, we call it FOCUS Time which stands for Focus on Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together. Basically, we carve out one-on-one time to do something non-technology related so we can really enjoy each other’s company.

It has been our secret weapon to keeping sibling fights and misbehaviors down to a minimum. Because it can be hard to come up with ideas of what to do, I created a Quality Time Printable with 60+activities to do with your child.

7. Hug!

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” ~ Virginia Satir

As kids grow older, it may not be as natural to hug them or make sure they are receiving some positive touch throughout their day. However, studies show that this not only connects you but it also promotes better health.

Hugs are proven to have a plethora of benefits including increased immunity, better heart health, more feelings of happiness, reduced stress and fears, and boosted communication.

I heard Dr. Kelli Harding, author of The Rabbit Effect, say that research shows that a hug should be at least 20 seconds long to make kids healthier. My 10-year-old boy finds this quite awkward, however, he humors me!

8. Bedtime Bonding

With each of our boys, our bedtime ritual is one of my favorites. Although I’m tired, I intentionally turn off my to-do list and focus on being fully present, even if it’s for five minutes or less.

Read books, build a puzzle, tell stories, journal together or simply snuggle. This time doesn’t have to be very long. However, it will have a life-long impact on your child.

9. Eat Dinner Together

Growing up, my dad and stepmom did something that impacted me greatly. They made sure we had family dinner together every night. No matter what our sports schedules were like or how much they both worked, we sat together as a family and had a meal.

Family dinners have so many brain benefits amongst being good for the body and soul. Kids build bigger vocabularies, eat healthier and feel like they’re part of something bigger than themselves. This is where family culture can really bloom.

According to the Washington Post, “Researchers concluded that regular family dinners were associated with lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts. In a very recent study, kids who had been victims of cyberbullying bounced back more readily if they had regular family dinners.”

Last week during dinner, my husband randomly asked the boys what they wanted to be for Halloween even though it’s nine months away. We spent the next 15 minutes coming up with the funniest family costumes. There was so much laughter my heart could explode.

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

I wrote a long post about how saying, “Good job” to our kids over and over again can actually demotivate our kids. Instead, focus on giving effort-based praised and focus on how hard your children are working instead of how amazing they are to really build them up. Having support like this is a surefire way to create a strong parent-child connection.

Bonus: Download your free Encouragement Through Praise Printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

11. Disconnect to Connect

I’m super passionate about this one. Technology is both a blessing and truly a curse. It’s replacing eye contact, person-to-person interaction and the human connection that a developing brain needs.

I have been working on being fully present anytime I’m spending time with my boys. I didn’t even think I was on my phone that much until my toddler pointed it out. Ouch!

Not only will this model for my kids how to have a healthy relationship with technology, but it will allow us to work on our relationship with each other.

A great way to do limit the time we spend on technology is to keep your phone on the charger in a bedroom, turn off ALL sound notifications, or designate certain times or rooms in your house as no-phone zones.

And when technology is not present, we can truly savor our time together without interruptions.

Related: Why You Should Stop Buying Tech Toys For Your Kids According to Experts

The Reward

How do you envision your relationship with your children as they grow?

I had someone say to me once that for two-thirds of their children’s lives, they will know them as adults. This is, of course, if everyone lives a full life. They went on to say that they want to be good friends with their adult children. The way we get there is by working on the relationship now. Yes, parents are responsible for teaching kids the way they should go, instilling values, correcting behaviors and helping them make tough decisions, but this can all be done with connection in mind, not an iron fist.

A parent-child relationship doesn’t have to be one full of contention. Instead, it can be one that reaps great (positive) rewards.

Let’s Connect

I would love to CONNECT (see what I did there! Ha!) with you!!! Comment below and don’t forget to share this post by using the social share buttons. THANK YOU!

February 9, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 40 Comments

7 Attributes Kids Need to Build Resilience & Overcome Challenges

As parents, we spend so much time teaching manners, correcting behavior, providing ways to make our kids happy, maybe complaining about their behaviors and doing all the things, but why?! If you are like me and strive to raise good humans who can overcome challenges, love others and be interdependent, the absolute best way to do this is by helping our kids build resilience.

build resilience and overcome challenges

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Think of how you build a 1000-piece puzzle.

The first thing you do is find the corner and flat edge pieces to build the outer edges. The border represents the safe boundaries and limitations we need to set for our kids to live inside.

The next step is to look at the box as a reference as you sort the same colored pieces. The picture on the box is the map we give to our kids – the tools, skills, and ideas of how to live a fulfilling life.

Lastly, are the rest of the pieces. These bad boys belong to our children to move around and eventually connect. The act of picking up the pieces, figuring out how they fit together, learning how to overcome challenges, and making bold decisions all within the boundaries we set for them is how they develop resilience.

I did not make this analogy up but rather, recently heard it from Dr. Ken Ginsburg, Director of Programs at Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

It perfectly illustrates our role as parents that’s easy to remember so we can keep ourselves in check. We need to make sure the border isn’t missing any pieces and that we are allowing our kids to put the rest of the puzzle together regardless of how hard of a challenge.

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how kids build resilience and why it’s important, especially in parenting, I want to break down how stress affects the brain.

When a person faces a challenge, or adversity or experiences something hard, the brain interprets that as stress. All of the alerts and signals go out through neurotransmitters and biochemicals to prepare the body to be better, stronger, and more capable. However, this process is intended to be very short-term.

If the brain continues to release those biochemicals including cortisol and adrenaline, the immune and other systems in the body and brain begin to weaken. This is why when we are under a ton of stress, we often get sick or get a massive headache that won’t go away. That’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay, we need to gain control here!”

What also happens is that the prefrontal cortex, also known as the command center or thinker part of the brain, essentially turns off. That’s not a good thing because this is the part of the brain that needs to be activated in order to make rational decisions, organize thoughts and actions, think creatively, and regulate emotions.

The prefrontal cortex brings calm to the chaos.

When a child (who will later become an adult) can develop resilience, this means that he or she is able to overcome challenges, recover from stress, and turn his or her prefrontal cortex back on quicker and more efficiently.

It’s pretty stinking cool!

The more that this happens, the stronger those neural pathways become, resulting in our kids being able to adapt to, recover from, and resolve conflict, failure,e or other forms of stress. Booyah!

What Is Resilience?

Children need to be able to cope with change and overcome challenges.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard situations, manage stress, solve problems, and recover from failure.

In today’s society, it seems to be very common for parents to bubblewrap their kids by over-protecting, over-involving themselves, and doing way too much. I say, parents, which includes me! There’s no shame in that! I think the reason stems from an enormous amount of love mixed with social conformity and a need for control.

However (you knew that was coming, right?!), what this bubble wrap is doing is keeping our kids’ brains from being able to manage stress, overcome challenges, and make their own choices.

Most parents would say that they want their kids to be happy. I often hear moms saying they want to give their kids “the world”. The absolute best way to do this is to help them develop resilience! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

Typically if a child develops resiliency, he or she will grow up as an adult who is ABLE to handle stress, challenges, failures, and whatever other lemons are thrown at them. Or is it lemons that are given to them?! Anyhoo, when children are able to develop the ability to be resilient, research has shown that they are able to make braver choices, be curious and creative, and most importantly, create a bigger wave of positivity in this world.

According to The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, kids who build resilience develop more positive relationships, healthy brain development, and better self-regulation skills.

Instead of focusing on the specific strategies and things you can do to teach kids resilience, I wanted to unpack the attributes Dr. Ken Ginsburg calls the 7 Essential C’s of Building Resilience.

1. Competence

All humans have a need to feel competent.

Innately, children want to not only know how to do something but also experience it for themselves. In The Self-Driven Child, the authors call competence an internal barometer of accomplishment.

Competence is more than just kids believing in their own abilities, but rather, actually taking action and living out those abilities.

For some reason, a lot of parents often lean towards doing most tasks for their kids. This may be because they fear failure, they think this is what a parent’s role is, or because it’s quicker, easier, and faster. However, when this happens, parents are stripping away their children’s ability to be able to handle situations on their own and gain a sense of accomplishment.

A great way to help kids become competent is to focus on their strengths instead of deficits in everything they do including the choices they make, behaviors they display, the way they solve problems, and how they treat others.

2. Confidence

When kids feel competent…drum roll, please…confidence develops.

According to Fostering Resilience, “Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special or precious. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges.”

This kind of confidence comes from kids knowing that they have an adult really believing in them. And this isn’t the adult saying, “Good job” until he or she is blue in the face. Instead, it’s when parents encourage their children to work harder and are there to talk with and walk through challenges.

Bonus! Sign up for my newsletter and receive free strength-based printables with phrases that encourage kids through effort-based praise instead of empty praise AND a worksheet that helps you figure out your child’s strengths so you can build upon them.

overcoming challenges through mother son connection

3. Connection

If you’ve been around me in person or online, you know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of connection. If our kids feel connected to us first, everything else falls in line and parenting doesn’t have to feel so stinking hard.

If kids feel like they are seen, safe, and heard, they are more likely to make better choices, be creative, and take risks.

Connections made with not only parents but also community members, friends, extended family, teachers, and coaches show kids that they really matter. That life is worth living.

Then, a sense of security is created that later becomes the prevention of more harmful or destructive choices in life for a myriad of reasons.

4. Character

Kids need to understand and gain a sense of what is right and wrong. Regardless of what your individual family’s values are, it’s important that your kids know them and more importantly, see you living those values out.

Although your kids’ beliefs may change, being part of a family that has a strong sense of who they are is powerful. It provides the backbone for his or her character. A great time to reiterate your beliefs and values is during family meetings.

How your kids act when you’re not around is a good indicator of their character. If the way they behave away from you doesn’t fall in line with your family’s values, take some time to do character-building.

One of my favorite ways we have done this is by teaching our kids how to have a strong sense of gratitude. Sometimes they still appear as if they are ungrateful children, but for the most part, they are thankful for all the blessings in their lives.

5. Contribution

Something magical happens when children realize the world is a better place because they are part of it!

Take a look at how most schools motivate kids. They resort to physical rewards like stickers, treasure box items, and other empty verbal praise. However, the research shows that these extrinsic motivators actually can demotivate kids because once they’re gone, there is no reason to keep engaging in that behavior. Also, some kids may feel like they will never receive those rewards so they don’t bother trying. We have seen that time and time again with our boys.

Instead, the focus should be getting kids to intrinsically motivate themselves from the inside out. When a child begins to understand the importance of personal contribution, he or she can truly find their purpose. And when anyone has a sense of purpose, motivation to do better comes naturally and is there to stay.

Lastly, contribution isn’t just about giving but also helping kids to learn how to be good receivers as well.

build resilience in kids by giving them life skills

6. Coping Skills

All people need to learn how to effectively cope with and work through stress. If not, it becomes too much for the body and brain. This is why emotion coaching is so important. Kids need to know it’s healthy to express emotions but then know how to manage those emotions.

Coping skills include the choices that someone makes to overcome challenges. Do they resort to negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to bandaid their feelings or do they have another way to work through those problems?

This is such a gift all parents can give their kids. Not all things work out the way we want them to so we need to have a Plan B, C, and sometimes even D!

7. Control

I see this as a culprit for contention in parent-child relationships all the time!

Every human is born with a sense of needing to have control over their own lives. However, a lot of parents misinterpret their role of being responsible for their kids. They feel the need to fully control their kid’s choices, behaviors, and actions.

When children have control over their own lives, they know that when a challenge arises, they have the power to bounce back. Powerful, right?

Ginsburg says, “A young person who feels ‘everything always happens to me’ tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. He sees control as external—whatever he does really doesn’t matter because he has no control of the outcome.” [source]

When we look at it that way, it makes handing over the reins to our kids a little easier. Again, as long as we still have the boundaries and limitations in place to protect their choices and guide them in the way they should go.

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

In order for our children to build resilience, we must be intentional. Instead of jumping to reactive mode, take time to connect with your child first and let them know you believe in them. Support the decisions your kids make and give them the opportunity to build their masterpiece puzzle within the flat edge pieces you build around them.

The more they work on all of these skills, the easier it will be for them to pick themselves up every time they get knocked down.

January 29, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 30 Comments

What I Wish I Knew as a Mom To a Very High Energy Toddler

No joke. When my first son was very young, I scoured as many parenting book indexes to find information on what to do with a high energy toddler. When I couldn’t find “high energy”, I would scan the “C” section to see if I could find, “Crazy Toddler!”

I never found either in any book. Womp. Womp.

As a first time mom, I had already read the typical advice offered to discipline children. The positive discipline and positive parenting tactics worked great when it came to following instructions and sleeping at night.

He listened (fairly well), had very kind intentions, seemed to have an advanced understanding of differences in other children and wanted to do well.

However, he literally bounced off the walls and acted CRAZY!! People will sometimes compare kids to the Energizer Bunny, well my high energy toddler would give that bunny a run for its money! **I did get his permission to share this. He has seen the videos and concurs.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I had heard that boys had a ton of energy. I accepted that, but this was far more than I ever thought was possible. When he was two and three, he would literally run as fast as he could into the wall to see if he could knock himself out. I watched my little brother grow up, but he was quite docile. This was new territory for me!

Without understanding what behavior was or that brains could be differently wired, I really had no starting point to make sense of what was happening inside the walls of my house.

One day when my husband was out of town, I had a pivotal moment. My son was getting a shower throwing water everywhere, grabbing his brother, yelling on top of his lungs and completely out of control. He was happy, but yet, had zero control over his actions.

I sat on the toilet with this thought…

“I quit motherhood.”

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

As my son grew, started school and we learned more about how his brain was wired, a lot of things started to make sense.

If you find yourself in the same boat of not knowing what to do with your overly active hyper, maybe sometimes crazy child, here are some things I wish I would have known that may help you.

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

First and foremost, I think reading The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson should be a prerequisite to becoming a parent. I’m telling you, this book does such an incredible job explaining what is happening in your child’s brain in a very practical easy-to-digest way.

Basically, the brain works best when it’s integrated which means all the parts are working together in a balanced way. Kids need to use their right emotional brain WITH their left logical brain in order to live a meaningful, creative, balanced and fulfilling life.

We can help our kids do this first by connecting our right brain state to their own right brain state to their right brain state. Then once they are calm, it’s time to bring in the rational thought and logic to make sense of their behaviors.

From reading the book, I was also able to fully grasp the difference between the upstairs thinker brain and downstairs reactive brain.

When kids have access to their prefrontal cortex (which doesn’t fully develop until they are in their late 20’s!), they can think clearly, make good decisions, understand the consequences for poor choices, be creative and all the things. When they are acting out of their downstairs brain, it can get a little chaotic.

Dr. Siegel explains all of this in a way that is so relevant to parents. When kids are in a reactive state where they are angry, sad, frustrated or out of control, a baby gate is slammed shut at the bottom of the steps stopping any access to the upstairs brain. As parents, we need to open that baby gate by connecting with our child and getting him or her to calm down.

When I had a crazy high energy toddler on my hands, all I needed to do was get on his level, connect with him, name what was going on and get him connected to his upstairs brain so he could act like a calm human again.

How to Look Underneath the Surface

Behavior is communication. No matter how a child is acting, he or she is communicating with you.

Underneath every unwanted behavior is usually an unmet need.

Although my son wasn’t disobeying or making poor choices, there was a reason he was running full speed into the wall.

How a child acts on the outside is like the tip of the iceberg poking out of the water. It’s what is underneath the surface that gives us insight as to where the behavior is coming from.

For my high energy toddler, it was a sensory need. I still don’t have a full understanding of the proprioceptive system and sensory output versus input, but what I do know is some kids have challenges with responding to information that comes through their senses.

He had a need that required him to want movement and physical contact. It’s what is called sensory seeking. Here are signs to look out for:

Touches everything!
Is very physical and prefers to play rough (although the intent may not be to hurt)
Is clumsy or always falling
Has a high tolerance for pain
Squirms and fidgets a lot – it seems like he or she never stops moving!

Yep, this pretty much sums up my son as a toddler.

If I had this knowledge, I could have created more structure to his day with routines and given him tools to calm down (like in my calm down kit!).

I also wish I would have known about other outlets that we have found that work to fulfill his sensory needs such as fidgets, a weighted blanket, squeezy balls, mazes, joint compressions, a trampoline or anything else that allowed him to get energy out in a safe way. My friend, Julie, has a GREAT list of activities for kids to get the proprioceptive and vestibular sensory input they need.

Read Next: Routines for Kids: How They Work and & How To Create Your Own

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

I knew every kid was unique and special. I mean, I had a whole unit on it in 5th, 6th and 7th Grade! However, I had no idea there was something called asynchronous development or neurodiversity.

There is the neurotypical brain that develops at a certain rate compared to other brains the same age. All the milestones and neural connections are in “sync”. Then there is the neurodiverse brain that may be advanced in some areas and behind in others so the development is uneven in intellectual, physical and emotional development. This is a trait found in gifted children. The higher the IQ, the more out of sync these areas of development tend to be.

This is where it gets tricky with doctors and schools because the systems, at least in our culture in the U.S.. are set up for neurotypical kids.

So here I was asking for help wondering why in the world my son could make the coolest creations out of paper and take any kind of electronic apart and put it back together (at age THREE!) and do math in his head, but yet he could not control his emotions, body or actions as well as other kids his age. The only answer I would get from professionals was to make sure I kept him safe. And that alone was no easy task!

Simply by understanding that he was not on the same level as his peers or who is teachers and doctors were comparing him to, I could have helped him in a bigger way. Instead of feeling like I wanted to quit motherhood, I could have provided ways to help my high energy toddler develop the skills in the areas he was developmentally behind in.

high energy toddlers struggle with self regulation

Connection is More Important Than Correction

When my son was little, I joined a lot of mommy groups! The common topic discussed was how to get our toddlers and preschoolers to listen! How do we get our kids to do what we want when we want them to do something.

Wow! Has my perspective changed!! And for the better! I don’t have to stress out so much. I could have prevented so many frustrating moments back when I was that first-time mom seeking out these kinds of answers.

What would have been helpful was to learn how to connect before I corrected my child’s behavior. Most of the time, it wasn’t even “wrong” behavior but rather, too much craziness and hyperactivity that I couldn’t handle.

It’s that simple. Instead of having to count to three or five or fifty, give time outs or do whatever other advice I found, all I needed to do was learn how my high energy toddler liked to connect. He still prefers a hug, eye contact, and affirmations.

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

Lastly, I didn’t really take care of myself. Instead, I put all my energy and effort into chasing after a crazy high energy toddler! How in the world could I have time to focus on myself?

What I found as my kids got older is when I focus on self-care every day (not just Sundays!), I have a whole lot more to give. Self-care doesn’t have to be this long day at the spa. Instead, it can be squeezing in a workout, spending time with friends, reading the Bible and praying, or heck, taking a shower and actually blow drying your hair! Some of these were extremely hard to do with a very high energy toddler running around screaming, but I should have made them a priority!

If you struggle with self-care, check out my free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter.

A Note To The Mama With a High Energy Toddler (Who May Be Driving You a Little Bonker Balls)

I want to tell you that I can relate. Seriously, if you don’t know where to turn and you’re struggling to help calm your child, CONTACT ME! I’d love to chat and help you figure out what’s under the surface.

Also, I’m here to let you know that it can get better. Stay focused on connecting with your child regardless of how tired he or she makes you feel and the rewards will be more than you could ever imagine.

What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Here is the condensed version of what I could have done differently and what I ended up changing as my son got older. Knowledge is power!

Get on your child’s level (or below eye contact if they’re not too low to the ground!), connect with him or her, and name it to tame it.
Provide outlets for your active child to get all the wiggles out! Don’t repress the movement! Use sensory toys, encourage playing outside, running, jumping, use a weighted blanket or do joint compressions at night.
Reframe your thinking about how your child should be acting. Look at his or her brain wiring, interests and developmental milestones compared only to your child, not other kids the same age.
Connect before you correct. Every time!

PS: If you don’t know what “bonker balls” is referencing to, then you are missing out and must check out the best podcast ever for kids. Shhhh, I even listen when I’m without my kids!!

Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

Are you currently in the toddler stage and don’t know what to do with all of your toddler’s energy? Or are you past that phase, but your child is still bouncing off the walls? I hope these tips help! If you know other moms who this information will benefit, please feel free to share!!! Click on the share buttons below.

January 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 76 Comments

7 Ways Kids Can Develop Self-Awareness Skills (That Also Help With Kindness & Empathy!)

We were having a heck of a time with one of our kids until he started to develop self-awareness skills. Having a differently wired brain, he is developmentally delayed in empathy and understanding other people especially compared to other kids his age. He would get extremely explosive. As you can imagine, it started to take a toll on him and our whole family. We did everything we could to help him manage his big feelings.

Recently, I decided to teach him about his brain.

I’m not really sure what took me so long because learning facts is his jam. Earlier in the year, we read a Science Comics Book about the brain that we both loved, but I never thought of using that information to help him become aware of his emotions and actions.

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The day after he learned the hand model of the brain, he became aware of his big emotions and stopped all of his anger right in its tracks. Ever since he has been able to self-regulate much quicker.

Pssst: Does your child struggle with big emotions? Download this free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What is Self-Awareness?

Simply put, it’s becoming aware of one’s self.

For children, it’s important that we teach self-awareness skills such as knowing how their strengths, weaknesses, and personality affect their choices and the way they treat the people in their lives. When the child is receptive, it’s much easier for empathy to develop as he or she can better understand others. This then typically trickles down to being more kind.

Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

When kids are self-aware, they are able to understand themselves in relation to the world around them. Besides learning who they are as a person, self-awareness helps them dig a little deeper to decode how their emotions impact what they do.

Here are many benefits of self-awareness:

Higher levels of emotional intelligence
The ability to empathize, be more compassionate and kind
Better communication and listening skills
Critical thinking skills
The ability to make better decisions
Stronger relationships
Better leadership skills

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills

There are many ways to teach self-awareness, however, these are what I found to be the most effective ways.

1. Learn From You!

As in anything with parenting, our kids’ behaviors and actions begin with us! We cannot expect our children to do something when we do the opposite. They learn far more from our actions than our words.

I was just listening to Brene Brown’s, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting where she tells a story of her daughter calling herself an idiot for doing something wrong. She explained to her daughter that calling herself those names was unhelpful and led to shame. She then discussed other ways to work through that situation. But then while Brene was cooking spaghetti, she dropped the sauce spoon making a huge mess. As she picked up the spoon she said out loud, “I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid?” She then presents this question: What is a more powerful message? I’ll let you answer that one!

When it comes to teaching kids self-awareness skills, it’s important to model self-awareness yourself.

Use everyday moments to show your children how you handle situations.
When you are experiencing big emotions like anger or frustration, talk about those feelings and what you are planning on doing to overcome them.
Give yourself a calm-down time when the big feelings become overwhelming. It’s not uncommon for me to tell my kids, “I am getting very upset right now, so I’m going to leave the room and come back when I’m calm.”
Take time for yourself and let your kids see that you spend time processing life, praying or practicing mindfulness.

For You! Grab my Free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter here!

2. Learn How To Express Feelings

It has taken some time, but teaching my kids how to use “I” statements along with “Bug and a Wish” has been extremely helpful in developing their self-awareness skills.

“I” Statements

Help your children understand how the outside world and their external experiences affect their internal state. You do this by teaching them to use this statement:

“I feel _____(emotion)_____ when _____(the cause of the feeling)_____.”

For example, “I feel mad when you hit the back of my head.” By revealing the cause of the big feeling, your kids will have a better understanding of what they can do to make them feel better.

Bug and a Wish

This little trick comes from Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline. You teach your kids to say,

“It bugs me when _____(what the other person did)_____, I wish you would _____(the action you would like for that person to take)_____.”

For this phrase, we did need to create parameters such as no name-calling and that it needs to be genuine. When used correctly, it not only helps the other person understand what is going on, but it also gives the child saying the statement a deeper understanding of his or her own feelings.

teaching self-awareness skills through expressing feelings

3. Become Effective Problem Solvers

Another way kids can learn self-awareness skills is by coming up with solutions to their own problems.

Oftentimes when kids face a predicament, they look to us to fix it and we often do. Instead of jumping in to rescue our kids especially because the emotions are too much to handle, let your child work it out. This doesn’t mean you leave your kids in the wilderness to forge food for themselves but rather give them the tools needed.

Big Life Journals has many GREAT resources that are broken down by ages and stages that help you teach problem-solving skills to your children.

Here are some simple tips that teach kids how to tackle their own problems and how to be aware of their feelings through the process:

Help your kids learn how to pause before reacting (or over-reacting) to identify what the problem is.
Ask your kids to show you the hard part. By breaking it down, your kids will be able to process why they can’t come to a solution. Then with your guidance, they will be able to solve it themselves.
Use your child’s favorite characters by asking, “What would (insert characters such as Daniel Tiger or Harry Potter) do in this situation?”
Teach your kids how to come up with a few solutions right away. If they really can’t think of anything, give them a few options.
Become your child’s emotion coach by naming and validating their feelings, helping them process their emotions, and brainstorming solutions.

When kids can come up with their own solutions to problems, it allows them to be self-aware so they don’t have to rely on you.

4. Gain Estimation and Prediction Skills

This one is probably not something you typically think of when it comes to developing self-awareness skills in kids. However, it’s a great skill to learn especially with those who have executive functioning challenges.

Before doing something such as playing a game, doing homework, attending an event, performing in a sport or taking a test, have your kids predict how they will do.

timers help kids learn time management skills

Slowly, they will get a better sense of time and not drive you crazy when you’re trying to get out the door while they decide to start a new project that takes an hour instead of two minutes.

You can start simply by estimating how easy or difficult a task is before starting it. Having your kids gauge their own abilities so that they can later self-reflect is a great way to help them develop self-awareness skills in all areas of their lives.

5. Become Empathic

In our house, we have found that one of our kids was born altruistic and empathy comes naturally to him. Whereas, another son has needed to be taught.

Typically when a child can understand him or herself, understanding others becomes easier. However, I think empathy can also teach self-awareness skills, especially for kids who struggle with looking inward. They can use how others feel and act to reveal their own emotions and behaviors.

Gratitude also goes hand in hand with empathy and self-awareness. I created a Gratitude Toolkit for Kids to help them develop these skills. You can download it here!

6. Doing Self-Reflection

Every night before bed, my son and I take less than five minutes to write in his One Question a Day for Kids Journal. Every day has a prompt to help him self-reflect about his day, interests, or experiences. It also gets him to think about who he wants to become (not just what he wants to become!). My other son works on his Big Life Journal weekly which focuses on self-reflection as well as a growth mindset.

Self-reflection is the act of setting aside time every day to look at yourself as a person and whatever roles you fill. For example, with my sons, their self-reflection time acknowledges their lives as brothers, students, friends, sons, and energetic boys!

Reflecting back on how the day went is a great way for kids to dig deeper into who they are and who they are becoming.

7. Understand Their Own Brain

I ended with this one because it’s MY FAVORITE!

Surprisingly, this is not a common tip that comes up when searching for ways to teach kids self-awareness skills. However, as I mentioned in the opening story, it has been life-changing for my son to understand himself and understand others.

I wonder what people out in public think when they hear him telling me that his three-year-old brother’s amygdala needs to calm down. Ha!

However, this has been a strategy to help him understand his brother’s underdeveloped brain and why he goes from happy to sad to angry to mean within one minute.

The Hand Model of The Brain

A great way to teach kids about their brains is by using the hand model which comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s books, Parenting From the Inside Out and The Whole-Brain Child.

The thumb represents the amygdala which is the part of the brain that reacts when it perceives a threat, even if it’s only stress instead of actual danger. Explain there is no thought when this part of the brain is activated. It causes a person to react resulting in developing strong emotions such as anger, sadness or fear.

The fingers then represent the prefrontal cortex. It’s the “thinker” part of our brains. This is where organized thought, self-regulation, and focus are found.

When we are in a calm state, the brain is in a “fist” mode as the prefrontal cortex (the fingers) is gently resting on top of the amygdala (the thumb) allowing the person to think clearly.

As soon as the child perceives a threat that could be not getting his or her way, being told, “no”, getting hurt or even being unable to get a toy to work, the fingers open up causing the amygdala to be in charge. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping the lid”.

I explained to my son that when this happens, his stress response is triggered causing him to go into fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode. I then asked him which of those he thinks his go-to is and he immediately responded with, “FIGHT!”

Growth Mindset

One more layer of teaching kids about their brains is to talk about how they are wired for GROWTH! Discuss the growth mindset thinking versus fixed mindset to help expand their abilities and learning capabilities.

Self-Awareness Can Make a BIG Difference

Helping your children become self-aware can affect the way they live in this world. Self-awareness improves self-esteem, allows kids to become good problem solvers, helps them to recognize and correct mistakes, helps them become empathic, develops a growth mindset, and cultivates resiliency.

In conclusion, kids develop self-awareness skills by:

Learning from you and other important adults in their lives.
Learning how to express feelings.
Becoming effective problem solvers.
Gaining estimation and prediction skills.
Becoming empathic towards others.
Doing self-reflection every day.
Understanding their own brain.

What Are Your Thoughts on Self-awareness?

I’d love to know how you teach self-awareness to your kids. Are they self-aware of their actions, thoughts, and feelings?

If you think this could benefit someone in your life, it would mean the world to me if you shared it…simply use the buttons below!

November 29, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 56 Comments

How to Help Your Anxious Child at Christmas Time

My little brother is seven years younger than I am. When he was around three or four, the Christmas season caused him to become an anxious child. Because of his personality, there were one too many completely innocent “Santa-is-watching-you’s” amongst other stressors my parents were completely unaware of until he couldn’t control his emotions.

Eventually, they had one of “Santa’s elves” (pre-Elf on the Shelf Days!) bring him a special early Christmas surprise. I remember being just as excited even though I personally knew the elf {*wink*wink*}.

We tiptoed down the basement stairs together to find a Power Wheels Quad. Knowing that he wasn’t actually bad helped his anxiety dissipate.

This post may contain affiliate links. See my disclosure policy here.

As parents, we don’t intentionally add extra stress to our kids during the holidays. But if you think about it, there is pressure for them to behave well.

Pressure During Christmas

“You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout I’m telling you why…”

Think about those lyrics. And if that’s not enough, in most homes there is now even an elf that is always watching AND reporting back to Santa.

Where does it end?!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I’m totally kidding! I just like being dramatic.

I’m not anti-Santa or anti-elf, because we are all about Santa in this house.

anxious child at christmas sitting with santa

As I get into what we can do to help our kids with their holiday anxiety, I wouldn’t suggest forcing your older child to sit on Santa’s lap. Ahem, like we did. Toddlers are free game though, right? Totally joking!!! We did make sure he was okay afterward in which he gave Santa a big high five. He just didn’t want to sit on or near him. That’s fair.

In the past, we always had an elf but have decided he is more useful staying at the North Pole to help Santa because it was causing way too much stress on our kids. We told them that they could create a landing pad anywhere in the house if they wanted the elf to come – giving them full control of the decision.

One of our boys has Generalized Anxiety, which manifests into angry physical outbursts. The last thing we wanted to do is to exacerbate those feelings. Besides, Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

For some kids, Christmas is already too much then you add lights, sounds, commotion and events that come with this season.

Quick Tip: If your child has angry outbursts, meltdowns, or struggles with self-regulation, download your free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress.

A statistic I found from the National Institute of Mental Health is that 1 in 8 children have anxiety. And less than 1% of kids get professional help for a multitude of reasons.

Read that again.

There are many types of anxiety. What they all have in common is the feeling of panic and/or fear of something that may not even be a threat, not being able to remain calm especially in times of high stress, having shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tension and there can also be feelings of nausea, sleeplessness, and dizziness.

I read the Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D. which I highly recommend! She goes through the challenges of people face who have brain differences, but also the strengths they have that can help them thrive and do far greater things than a neuro-typical person.

In the book, she explains that anxiety involves an array of behaviors and experiences. Every person is wired to have a stress response when they feel a threat. People who have anxiety may have the same physical feelings as a non-anxious person, but the thoughts in their minds usually take a negative turn.

Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Harvard psychologist and “father of temperament”, Jerome Kagan found that brains may be hardwired for anxiety. Following people from birth to adulthood in a longitudinal study, he found that babies who showed signs of being stressed out by simple things grew to be anxious adults.

The Magnetic Resonance Imaging also showed that they had thicker cortexes. Interesting!

I can attest to this with our anxious child (especially at Christmas). Even at a young age, he was afraid of everything – toys that moved or talked, people in costumes, strangers and certain sounds.

More research needs to be done to figure out if anxious people develop thicker cortexes or vice versa.

The environment can and does play a part, but I think it’s important for us to realize that our kids could be born this way. With this knowledge, we can help our anxious-prone children during Christmas, birthdays and every day of the year!

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Lastly, cognitive scientists at UC Berkeley have pinpointed anxiety. The contributing factors to anxiety are:

Overactive Amygdala | The amygdala is the part of the brain where the primal fight or flight reflex occurs. We talk to our anxious child about his amygdala a lot!
Underactive Ventral Prefrontal Cortex | Secondly, the neural part of our brain that aids in overcoming fears and worries, the ventral prefrontal cortex, isn’t mobilized. It’s hard for the person to access this part of the brain whenever fear is present.

Ring any bells for you?

Kids with and without Generalized Anxiety can experience anxiety and extra stress during the holidays.

Taking all this into consideration, kids (and adults alike) who already have anxious brain wiring may not be able to handle all the commotion (and joy and fun and excitement) Christmas brings. And kids who don’t have this brain difference can also develop anxiety as they become overwhelmed.

Anxiety During The Holidays

For adults and kids alike, November through January often disrupts regular routines. I know I keep mentioning Christmas but this goes for any holiday celebrated in the month of December.

It’s a more expensive time of year and the task demands are never-ending. Because of this, it’s good to take a look at the common triggers or reasons for kids’ anxiety during this time.

Common Triggers

Change of schedule
Seeing people and/or family your child hasn’t seen in a long time
Socially demanding events
Over-stimulation of lights and sounds
Lack of sleep
Traveling long distances and sleeping somewhere else
The weather (not necessarily here in AZ as we still get plenty of sunshine. I came from the cold so I soak every single ray up!)
Family tension brought up because of the holidays
Financial stress
Santa! Continuously being “watched” for good or bad behavior

7 Signs That Your Child is Anxious at Christmas

If your child is showing signs of frustration, sadness, or is uncharacteristically irritable, it may mean anxiety is present. Because the holidays can add extra stress, anxiety usually manifests into physical ailments as well.

Here are common symptoms to look out for:

Frequent Meltdowns or Sensory Tantrums | To figure out if these are actually a problem, keep track of every meltdown and tantrum easily on your phone or in a notebook. Look for patterns so you can mitigate the anxiety.
Sleep problems | Sleep can be affected by anxiety but also cause anxiety if there’s not enough. A vicious cycle is bound to happen without proper sleep.
Pain |Anxiety often presents itself as psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, unexplained muscle aches, and other physical pain. Anxiety can also cause a rash.
Other Physical Sensations | In addition to pain, anxiety can turn into arguing, crying, fleeing from situations, biting nails, pulling out hair or what I did as a kid was profusely scratch myself.
Anger | Oftentimes intense anger is actually anxiety in a child who doesn’t have the emotional regulation skills to cope.
Social Avoidance | If your child doesn’t want to go to school or public places, anxiety may be the culprit. Kids will often isolate themselves so they don’t have to face the scary feelings.
Frequent Questions | “What if’s” out of the wazoo! Anxious kids often present questions concerning safety and ask the same questions over and over again.

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

What You Can Do To Help Your Anxious Child At Christmas Time

Growing up, Christmas may have been a certain way. You may have incredible memories that you want to replicate. The problem with this is that it can often give unrealistic expectations for your current family. You may not have anticipated having to help an anxious child especially at Christmas which is why I bring you good news!

There are many ways you can help your anxious child minimize or avoid stress altogether!

Educate your kids (and yourself) |Teach your kids what anxiety is, how it affects their brains, and how to problem-solve.
Set a focus for the season | Ideas include Christmas memories, celebrating the seasons of change or the true meaning of Christmas then planning events accordingly.
Plan ahead and communicate it to your kids | There is so much to do in the community, at school, in your city or town. Instead of going to everything you can, let your kids be part of the plan and put it on a calendar so they can anticipate what is next.
Do more activities with only your family | Savor this time of year by making memories in the walls of your house.
Teach your kids to focus on the present moment | By doing this, kids can keep worrying feelings at bay. Mindfulness techniques work too.
Be open to change | Try your best to go with the flow. Approach the holidays with an open mind.
Be realistic | Have a realistic mindset on what can and can’t be accomplished this time of year. For example, kids who are very impulsive may need more structure to minimize disruptive behavior. Have a realistic plan to fall back on.
Take a break | Ask for help and realize Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Say no to things so you can say yes to what’s most important. Ask for help!
Seek medical attention if needed | Don’t forget this is always an option if can’t be managed at home.
Stay Alive 101 | Try your best to sleep, eat healthily, drink water, and exercise. This is for both you and your children even when it’s hard to do surrounded by candy canes, party food, and events around the clock.
Take natural supplements | We have found using natural herbs and spices helps tremendously with balancing neurotransmitters in the brain. As found in this article by Lyfe Botanicals, turmeric has the ability to modulate serotonin and dopamine. Ashwagandha, maca root, and licorice root all have similar benefits as well.
Reduce Screen Time | I know it’s an easy go-to for entertainment, but screens can exacerbate anxiety by over-activating the autonomic nervous system and increasing cortisol, the stress hormone.
Laugh and drink hot cocoa! | We may only get a limited amount of holiday seasons with our kids. Cherish every moment. Slow down, play games, laugh, and don’t forget the hot cocoa (sans the sugar for some of our kids and us, of course!). Hot chocolate solves problems.

11 ways to help an anxious child at Christmas

Read Next: The Perfect Holiday Gift Guide for Your Little Maker or Creator

The Reason for the Season

With all of this said it’s always good to remind ourselves what this season is truly about. We were given the greatest gift from God, Jesus, and we have the privilege to celebrate his birth.

Despite all the flashing lights (literally) and Christmas music, by showing our kids our love and what truly matters during this season, it can be enjoyed by all.

The true meaning of Christmas is love.

Grab the precious little gift you are so incredibly blessed to have and love him or hard. Open your kids’ eyes to what giving and helping others means and can feel like. Spend as much time as you can together creating memories that will last a lifetime. Lastly, from my photographer’s heart, be purposeful and take lots of pictures!

celebrating Christmas in Arizona - fake snow!

How do you help your child who is more anxious around Christmas?

Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com.

Originally published on December 18, 2018. Updated on November 29, 2019

November 10, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 62 Comments

10 Tips for Raising Grateful Kids

My two-year-old learned the phrase, “thank you” as soon as he could speak. Anytime someone does something nice for him, gives him something or does what he asks, he responds with the absolute cutest, “tank you.” And my older boys follow suit. It sure makes me feel like I am raising grateful kids.

Then, I realized that although they say those words that it’s not always followed up with action or a grateful heart or even attitude. At first, I thought it was mainly because of entitlement but found out that there are other reasons as well.

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My husband and I want to raise grateful kids who are thoughtful, compassionate, and happy. I think many parents have these same goals.

The question is then, how do we do this?

First, we need to break down what gratitude is.

For You! Sign up for my newsletter and receive a FREE Gratitude toolkit including Gratitude Poster, Random Acts of Kindness cards, Dinnertime Reflection cards, and a few worksheets that teach empathy!

The Four Parts of Gratitude

When you think about gratitude, you probably think of teaching your child to say, “thank you”, at appropriate times. However, gratitude is a little more than that.

As part of the Raising Grateful Children project at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, the researchers found that parents are really good at telling their kids what to do to show gratitude but often neglect to teach the other three parts.

I’m sure you have said it a time or two…“Now, what do you say?”

Gratitude can be broken down into four parts:

1. NOTICE – Simply take note of all that there is to be thankful for.

Use a gratitude journal, and give thanks at the dinner table or on the drive to school.

Ask: “What do you currently have in your life you are thankful for?” And “Is there something more to be thankful for than just the material item such as someone thinking about you when they bring you a gift?”

2. THINK – Take time to think about why you have the things, people, and experiences in your life.

The best time to do this is when you are having quality time together, around the dinner table, during a family meeting, or when someone does something kind.

Encourage your kids to think about these things on their own as they go on with their day.

Ask: “Do you think you earned this gift?” “What was the motive of the giver?” “Do you think every child gets to have these experiences?” “Do you think you deserved to do that or receive that gift?” “What do you think about reciprocating the gift to the person who gave that to you?”

3. FEEL – Get in touch with how the things you are most thankful for make you feel.

Have a conversation as soon as a child is given a gift or experience. You can even have your child close his or her eyes and really get in touch with how a gift or experience makes him or her feel.

Ask: “How does that make you feel?” “What part of that experience makes you the happiest?” “What kinds of feelings do you have when you think about that gift?”

4. DO – Say and take action to express gratitude.

Explaining to kids what they can do to thank someone usually happens at the moment, but can also be done anytime. Make a habit of creating thank you cards or gifts of gratitude when your child receives something.

Engaging in paying it forward or random acts of kindness is another great way to do this.

Ask: “What can you do or say to let the giver know you are thankful?” “Getting that gift makes you happy! Do you think you would want someone else to feel that way? How would you do that?”

This is a helpful video that walks you through discussions with your kid from The Greater Good Science Center. Check out more of their videos here.

It’s important to look at all of these for raising grateful kids who spread joy in the world and who become better humans and personally benefit from this daily practice.

Read Next: The Importance of Quality Time

The Loss of Gratitude Over Time

The reason why it’s important to be mindfully aware of what it is that you are grateful for is that the emotional connection tends to wear off. This is something called hedonic adaptation.

Great emotions like joy and happiness or even loss and sadness dwindle over time.

This explains why kids are so excited to receive a toy but then within a few days or months (or sometimes even hours, right?!), they barely touch it.

It’s not that they don’t appreciate it, they just become used to it and the excitement goes away. Doing a toy rotation can help minimize this hedonic adaptation and keep you from feeling like you need to buy new toys constantly.

According to Greater Good Magazine, “research suggests that some degree of scarcity and restraint is more conducive to happiness.” This is good to keep in mind as we dive into all the ways we can teach and practice gratitude with our children.

raising grateful kids by teaching empathy

The Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to Kids

With all the reasons why we don’t have grateful kids, and why gratitude is so important to our own state of being and our children’s, I wanted to know,

What can we do to make sure we are raising grateful kids?

1. Model the Behavior

This should be NUMBER one on any top list involving parenting. The single most important thing we can do is model what we want our children to learn and do.

We can talk the talk but what matters is that we walk the walk. Amiright?

If we are never thanking people or are constantly grumbling, our kids will probably follow suit regardless of the words we tell them.

During your day-to-day, find ways to express gratitude toward others. Thank someone who opens the door for you, say, “thank you” to people who let you go in front of them while driving (even though the other driver can’t even hear you; because your kids can!), or return someone’s cart at the grocery store.

When something goes wrong, verbally express the good that came from that situation.

2. Talk About Gratitude

Lately, I’ve been greeting my kids in the morning with, “I’m thankful to see your smile this morning.” Also, “I’m thankful to be your mom.” The more they see that I’m truly thankful for them, the more they will return that feeling to me and others.

Use all the questions listed under the four parts of gratitude to spark conversations. I flat-out tell my kids about what is and isn’t beneficial for their brain development.

3. Volunteer and Give Back

Put your words into action by giving your children opportunities to serve and give to others.

Volunteer at a local nonprofit or better yet, take your children on a service trip.

Most people who go outside of the country to make a change say they are the ones who come back changed.

I’ve been taking my oldest to the homeless shelter to read to the kid residents. The experience has been far more impactful than I realized it would be. He is being exposed to what homelessness really looks like, not just what he assumed. Some of the kids who walk in that door don’t smell clean and are wearing clothes and shoes that are three sizes too big. However, some kids come in looking just like him with electronics in their pockets.

Seeing how others are living and thinking about and discussing their living situation has changed my son’s perspective about his own life. Every single time we get back in our van, his heart nearly bursts and explodes with joy. His experience doesn’t just end there, either. It has led to so many incredible conversations and actions of generosity.

AND because of his actions, his brother has grown in empathy by wanting to give back as well. Because he isn’t old enough to volunteer, he took it upon himself to do a book drive in his class and collected over five bags of books!

4. Create Gratitude Habits

Weave gratitude into your daily life!

Here are some very simple ideas of habits that can lead to raising grateful kids.

Gratitude Journal

Every night before bed, write down three things that went well that day (even if it was a horrible day) and what you are thankful for. Turning negatives into positives is very impactful on the brain. Or if it’s too much to write it down, simply state three things!

Dinner Conversations

Every night before we start eating, we say a prayer and thank God for all the good (and not-so-good) things happening in our lives. Occasionally, each child goes around and names something they are thankful for.

Because I wanted to get more consistent with this, I created a Daily Reflection Card. It’s free for you to download as part of the Gratitude Toolkit. We want to start using these as a way to discuss the good, the challenging, and something we did that was thoughtful during our day.

PS: And to clarify in the picture below: It says, “legos ssssss. I’m a ssssnake,” because something else might jump out at you!)

Use Pictures

If your kid has a phone, text a picture each week of something that you appreciate. My kids have watches like this so I text thankful reminders. This can spark bigger conversations on the topics of gratitude!

A friend of mine said she printed a photo I took of a cactus with bright fuschia flowers. She has it on a bookshelf she sees as soon as she wakes up every day. As she gets out of bed, she uses the photo as a reminder to think about things she’s grateful for. How sweet is that?!

Car Conversations

Another great time to list what you are grateful for is when everyone is trapped in the car! Listening to Christian radio helps initiate conversation. Another idea is to develop a habit. Before you put the car into drive, have everyone mention something they are thankful for.

5. Savor

You have probably heard of this word in terms of savoring food, but did you know you can savor almost anything you experience?

Savoring is when you become mindfully engaged and aware of your feelings during positive events.

When you do this, your joy and happiness increase. Savoring can also improve relationships, better physical and emotional health, and increase creativity.

There are many ways to do this!

Create Mental Pictures

Teach your child to stop and become mentally aware of positive experiences.

Is your child having the time of his life at a soccer game? Encourage him to stop and think about how he feels. Mentally record the reactions of the other players, what it felt like to kick the ball, and even what the weather and atmosphere were like that day.

When my kids make their toddler brother giggle, I tell them to record that memory in their minds. By encouraging them to close their eyes, I have them think about what it sounds like and how that giggle makes them feel. Then when they open their eyes to see their brother’s adorable little face, they record what he looks like in their minds.

I did this a lot when that little guy was born. After having a rough pregnancy with extreme morning sickness and overwhelming amounts of sadness, his presence quickly became a time of joy that I didn’t want to forget.

Fully Experience Every Sense

It’s been fun to watch how this has impacted my son who is naturally pessimistic and suffers from anxiety. I encourage him to focus on one sense while thinking positively.

An easy way to do this is to cook and eat a favorite meal. While cooking, have your child hone in on his or her smelling sense by closing her eyes. Take a deep breath in to really enjoy that smell. Then when it’s finished, stare at the food to appreciate what it looks like. If they like textures, the food can also be savored while chewing and lastly, they can zero in on the yummy taste.

Compare the Experience

Get your child to look outside of her world and compare what she’s experiencing to others. Does she come to you saying she’s bored because she doesn’t have anything to play with?

Remind her that there are children who have no toys and to be grateful for what she does have. Or better yet, take her to donate a toy to one of those kids.

raising grateful kids reading about empathy

6. Read Books About Gratitude and Reciprocity

Research has shown that reciprocity of kind acts is not natural or instinctual. Instead, it must be taught.

A simple way to do this is to read a book that teaches this concept or simply show how you return kindness and gratitude.

We love this book, “Do Unto Otters” by Laurie Keller!

There are many other books that teach gratitude in a fun way.

7. Mental Subtraction

Experts suggest you take at least one day a week to do this practice. I think spending every Sunday night with your child would be a perfect time!

Encourage your child to think of a very joyous event such as when he got a new puppy, had a special time with grandma, won an award or trophy, etc. Then help him process what it took to get to make that event or experience possible.

Next, write down how it could’ve gone differently or what could have stood in the way of it happening.

Lastly, have your child shift his or her focus to remembering that the event actually did occur and that it wasn’t something that was for sure going to happen. Help them realize choices had to be made and certain circumstances had to fall in line to follow God’s plan. Remind them THAT is something to be thankful for.

8. Teach Empathy

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

Empathy is about seeing other people’s perspectives but ALSO caring about that person.

This idea goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence and can lead to so many positive things in a little person’s life such as forming strong relationships, developing acceptance for others, developing good mental health, creating high levels of happiness, and reducing toxic stress.

According to Goodstart Early Learning, “Building an understanding of what others are feeling, how their own actions can impact others, and why someone might be experiencing feelings at a particular time is a valuable life skill for children to possess.” And I believe it leads to raising grateful kids.

Fun Ways to Teach Empathy

Point to and Mimic Emotions. We do this a lot with our toddler! Any time a child is crying at the store or someone is angry in our house, our little guy labels that emotion. When we leave the situation, I ask him to mimic that child so he can get an understanding of the emotion.
Role Play. Act out different scenarios of people with different emotions.
Point Out Animal Emotions. This one can be fun. Dogs and cats can be quite expressive so ask your child what kind of emotion she thinks she is experiencing. And if you don’t have a pet, point out animals you see outside or go to the zoo. How is the lion feeling today?
Talk About Feelings. You want to ask your child how they feel about a situation, but if that’s not working, express how you felt about a certain situation when you were his age.
Make a Feelings Collage. Take your old magazines and have your child cut out the people. Then under each photo, label how that person is feeling.
Play a Game. Find a fun game that promotes empathy and understanding feelings. Here are a few I found on Amazon:

family playing board games to teach gratitude

A gift for you! I have created a Gratitude Toolkit which includes two worksheets that encourage and teach empathy! Click here to sign up for the newsletter and receive the toolkit for free!

9. Give Your Kids Responsibilities

I love this quote,

“Do not do for a child what he can do for himself.”

teaching responsibility leads to thankfulness

The reason is that when you do, you’re taking away so much. Not only a sense of competence but the ability for your child to fail and more importantly, learn.

We are all about giving our kids autonomy in this house which includes instilling the value of hard work to help and support each other.

If you are still doing your child’s laundry, packing his lunch, waking him up for school, and doing everything else for him, start small.

Chores and Contributions

Maybe begin with one chore a week. Let your child pick the time, day, and task. When kids feel like they are in charge, they are more likely to want to help.

One of my boys loves dusting and doing laundry because he gets to be in control of when and how he does it! I also show gratitude and thank him for helping me so I can spend more time with him to do fun activities! See what I did there, I’m modeling gratitude also while ensuring my child isn’t becoming entitled.

Routines

Help your kids come up with morning and evening routines so they can follow them without your help. I let my kids pick the order of their routines, made these awesome charts, laminated them, and hung them on our command center corkboard.

It has reduced the nagging so much and allows my kids to be thankful they can make their own choices and get themselves ready for school and bed without having to rely on me or my husband.

BONUS! Sign up for my newsletter and receive FREE routine charts!

Tools

A great way to help your kids take responsibility and in turn, learn how to be grateful for the privileges they have is to give them tools. We use timers for so many different things from homework to chores to screen time.

Our boys also wake up using an alarm clock. After spending a ton of time reading and seeing what praise and rewards were doing to our kids, we threw all the sticker charts away. There are lots of other tools, mental and physical, that kids can use to become self-motivated and competent.

10. Teach Humility

Gratitude is born of humility, for it acknowledges the giftedness of the creation and the benevolence of the Creator. This recognition gives birth to acts marked by attention and responsibility. Ingratitude, on the other hand, is marked by hubris, which denies the gift, and this always leads to inattention, irresponsibility, and abuse.

~Mark T. Mitchell, Professor of Political Science at Patrick Henry College in Virgini

In order to overcome ingratitude, our kids need to understand how to be humble. This allows our kids to turn outside of themselves.

A truly humble person understands that the life he or she has been given is a gift rather than a right. Humility protects them from expecting to get everything they want without thinking anything needs to be owed in return.

And yet, humility is NOT natural.

Teaching your kids to be humble is a lot of ways the same as all the ways to teach them gratitude. In addition, talk about it and call them out when they are acting as if their poo doesn’t stink. But of course, do it in a connective non-shaming way.

Gratitude Changes Everything

Remember, we have the power to encourage compassion, kindness, empathy, and happiness in our children’s lives. The number one way to make sure you are raising grateful kids is to teach them how to express gratitude for all they have and get to do.

In summary, here are the Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to ensure we are raising grateful kids:

Model
Talk About Thankfulness
Volunteer/Give back
Create Gratitude Habits
Savor
Read books about Gratitude
Do Mental Subtraction Exercises
Teach Empathy
Give Your Kids Responsibilities
Teach Humility

Don’t Forget! Your Free Gratitude Toolkit

I created a gratitude toolkit to help you with raising grateful kids. It includes:

A fill-in-the-blank gratitude poster
A FUN worksheet to teach your child about emotions and how others feel
A worksheet to help your child understand what his or her strengths are in understanding others and what he or she can improve upon.
Daily reflection cards for the whole family
Random acts of kindness hearts to help your children find ways to bless others

What Are Ways You Teach Gratitude?

Do you have a daily practice or volunteer? Do you feel like you are raising grateful kids? I’d love to hear all about it! Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com!

September 23, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 16 Comments

The Real Reason Parenting is Hard and How to Make It Easier

Parenting can feel ridiculously hard. So hard that it leads to pure mental and physical exhaustion.

Being a parent can also make you act in a way that is not true to your core character. Worry and fear are two of many emotions often experienced. And yet, parenting is also one of the most amazing gifts.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Kids enter the world without a manual. They have their own unique personality that may be complementary to or total opposite of yours.

You may have one child who is easy to parent and another who makes you want to hit your head against the wall. Although I wouldn’t suggest you do this, it is okay to feel like that. Or like the intro of one of my favorite podcasts, Family Looking Up, says, you may feel like you want to jump off the washing machine on occasion.

Over the past few years, I have had a major mind-shift in what my job as a parent is. Then I realized because of this mind shift, parenting didn’t feel as hard anymore.

It’s as if I could finally exhale.

consoling a toddler when parenting is hard

The Reasons Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard-wired.

Five years ago, researchers discovered that parenting behaviors are triggered through neurons in the hypothalamus. This is a tiny part of the brain where hormones are released. They found that parenting behavior is controlled by galanin neuropeptides.

Say what?

These neurons are conveyed in many brain functions such as responding to harm, sleep-wake cycles, understanding, eating, mood and blood pressure regulation, and cell growth.

When we become parents, our brains change.

There is no immediate benefit to providing and caring for a completely dependent baby. However, we instinctively develop parental behaviors that come from genetic programming. Our feeling of responsibility increases as we have a new life to care for.

On a side note, researchers think the reason moms experience postpartum depression is because something goes wrong in the development of these neuronal circuits.

If I surveyed 100 people on what parts of parenthood are hard, I’m sure I’d get thousands of reasons. As parents, we are pulled in many directions. The tears, tantrums, and sibling fights are what I call surface-level challenges.

At the moment, all the noise can make our heads feel like they’re going to explode. Or the constantly correcting behavior and making sure our kids are making good choices can drain a person.

Do you ever feel like it’s just too much?

The REAL Reasons that Parenting is Hard

Yes, the running around, getting slapped in the face by a toddler or peed on by a baby, and being responsible all make parenting feel hard. But, there are some more underlying reasons I think are at play.

The Need For Autonomy

We want our autonomy and so do our children!

Ever you ever heard a toddler yell, “Me do it!” while trying to do a small task for him or her?

That is a plea for autonomy and control over his or her own life.

The self-determination theory presents three psychological needs that all humans are born with: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. We need these three things to be self-motivated.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer my child to be self-sufficient and independent of me. I don’t want to rely on punishments, rewards, and other extrinsic motivators to get them to do what I want.

parenting doesn't have to be hard if you understand self-determination theory

A parent will often butt heads with a child because he or she is inadvertently taking away that basic need for autonomy.

A Different Timeline

Why is it that when it’s time to leave, kids often think it’s time to take their clothes off or start an art project? Here I am feeling like my time disappears into oblivion every day and my kids are ready to be the next Picasso just as we are heading out the door.

I found some very fascinating research to explain why kids aren’t so pressured with time!

The perception of time does actually speed up as we grow older. The reason is found with executive functions found in the frontal lobe. Working memory, attention, and executive function are rapidly developing all throughout childhood.

The neural transmission is actually physically slower in kids!

The frontal lobe finishes developing into adulthood around the age of 24-25. By then, time is perceived to go by a lot faster and it is encoded more accurately.

When we are trying to rush out of the house or feel like our five minutes is going to be gone in a flash, our kids perceive that time to be a lot longer.

Failure is Hard to Watch

No one likes to watch their kid fail. For some, it can cause anxiety and tears. It’s completely normal to want your child to have everything and get through life without being scathed.

However, this doesn’t teach them anything because life isn’t perfect. There will be challenges your child needs to overcome. The more they walk through these times to learn from them, the more resilient they will most likely become.

Underdeveloped Brain

Lastly, parents get frustrated with kids and their behaviors a lot of times because they want a child to do something he or she doesn’t even have the developmental ability to do. It’s often frustrating when a child lacks self-regulation when we think they are in control of themselves.

It’s very easy to be understanding when a toddler chucks a toy across the room or screams in your face, but way harder to have a gentle response when a kid over five years old does the same thing.

Yes, these skills increase as a child gets older and the neural pathways are created, but kids can be further behind than parents realize. Many times the culprit of unwanted behaviors is found in the underdevelopment of executive functions. There’s that phrase again!

My favorite is to hear my husband ask, “Why did you just do that?” He’s often answered with blank stares looking back at him. (I’ve learned to not even ask! Ha!) Because developmentally, our child really has NO CLUE why he just ran by his brother and smacked him on the back of the head. At that moment, his prefrontal cortex went offline completely out of his control.

Again, the thinker part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until someone is in his or her mid-twenties!

We also forget to look specifically at the child. With my neurodiverse kids, one is developmentally a few years ahead in academics and empathy but a few years behind in organizational and time management skills.

Our mindset of, “My child is nine years old, he should be able to do ______” can make parenting feel so hard because we have false expectations of what that child is capable of doing based on his or her brain development.

The 4 Mindsets That Can Make Parenting Easier

Yes, my responsibility is still the same. I am responsible for teaching and guide my child to make good choices and be a kind, respectful, independent, competent adult.

After taking a step back, ahem, relinquishing control and shifting the way I viewed parenting, things started to feel more joyful, easier, and not so draining.

Here are the four mindsets that make parenting a little easier for me:

1. It’s Okay to Take Care of MYSELF First

This one is big. If we can’t handle our own emotions or feel like we are running on empty, life, in general, is going to feel very challenging.

I know self-care is a hot topic right now, but the type of self-care I think is vitally important to make parenting easier is more inwardly focused than a pedicure or massage. Even though, those can be helpful, too.

I came up with an acronym, MYSELF which is adapted from Julie Morgenstern’s Time to Parent. It stands for:

Motivate me
Yield to negativity
Sleep
Exercise
Love
Fun

So anytime you are feeling like parenting is extra hard, ask, “Am I taking care of MYSELF?”

I find this so important that I created this Self-Care Ebook just for you!

Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF With Self-Care

One last thing I wanted to mention was what I constantly talk about so I apologize if it seems like I’m preaching. It’s to…

Stop. Pray. Breathe.

Instead of constantly reacting to my kids, I now work on responding.

Sometimes this comes easy and other times, it’s imperative that I stop before heading into battle.

Another great tip is to either write down or take a mental note of how your body feels when your kids are being defiant or are displaying big feelings.

For me, I can feel it in my chest and hands. As soon as I acknowledge that physical sensation, I have to reconnect with my mind to pause before I say a single word. Because I’ve done this so much, it has become more automatic.

2. Realize I’m NOT in CONTROL

As parents, we are not in control of our kids.

It may feel like we need to be or even should be, but the truth is they are in control of themselves. Instead of viewing our job as a parent as a manager, it’s more effective if we view ourselves as their consultant or even a coach.

There are four causes of stress. An easy way to remember is using the acronym, N.U.T.S.

Novelty – Doing something new
Unpredictability – Having an experience you didn’t know was going to happen
Threat to the Ego – Your competence is questioned
Sense of No Control – Having a feeling of not being in control of oneself

There are three types of stress, positive, tolerable, and toxic. In order for kids to manage their stress so it doesn’t reach the toxic level, they need an adult they can trust to help them recover and have a sense of control over their lives.

Honestly, to know that I don’t have control over every behavior or decision my child makes has taken a huge weight off my chest.

Instead of controlling what our kids do or making all the big decisions for them, it helps our kids far more when we set limits, and ground rules and help our kids problem-solve.

3. Look for the ROOT of My Kids’ Behaviors

Behavior. That’s such an interesting word.

Before I developed an understanding of how a child’s brain forms, the reasons for their actions, and what their basic human needs are, I saw behavior as either good or bad. And “bad behavior needed to be corrected because kids must obey their parents.”

Now, I view behavior as communication.

If your son looks at you after you just told him not to jump on the couch and he does it anyway, he is communicating something to you. When your daughter is crying and flailing on the floor and cannot get control of her emotions, she is trying to communicate something. If your son is refusing to get out of the car to go to school, he is communicating something to you.

The iceberg model visually explains how behavior works. What we see on the surface is usually only 10% of what’s really going on underneath the surface.

Instead of constantly thinking, “My kids don’t listen, they need to stop,” I switched my thinking to “Why are they acting this way and how can I help?”

One other thing I did was adopt the mantra, “Kids Do Well If They Can” by Dr. Ross Greene. Can I tell you how many times this has gotten me through some really tough emotional meltdowns with my son? A lot!

4. Stop Taking My Kids’ Actions and Words Personally

I end with this one because it’s huge.

We accidentally went to the Science Center on a sponsored day. It was free to get in so that meant every person and their mom (and dad and sister and grandma and great-grandma and Uncle Bob and Aunt Marge) were there!

One of my kids has a sensitive sensory system. After all the noise, people brushing past him and the added lights and visual stimulation, his responses to our directions were… anything but kind.

His words seemed as if they were a personal attack on us which could’ve easily made my husband and I react defensively.

The root of the disrespectful talk was overstimulation.

Speaking in a loud and rude manner was the only way my son was able to express how he was feeling at that moment. Although irritated, we restrained from yelling back. Once my son got in the quiet car and ate a protein-packed lunch, the disrespectful talk dissipated.

Oftentimes, we lose our cool because we get offended.

Has your child ever said something to you that made you think, “Whoah, dude, back up the train! You realize I’m in charge, right? How dare you speak to me like that!” And you match the lashing out talk, rude behavior, or yelling?

When we do this, we are modeling that unwanted behavior. We also aren’t attuning to what their needs are because remember, behavior is communication.

Getting offended or taking our kids’ behavior personally isn’t helpful.

Instead, focus on getting to the root of the behavior and connect in a way that is most helpful to your child. THEN, once he or she is calm and connected to the Thinker brain, you can take that time to talk about appropriate ways to speak if it’s even necessary.

Don’t Poke The Lizard

Another thing that happens if we take our kids’ behaviors and words personally is that we start using a whole lot of words and do what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls, “poke the lizard.”

If your daughter is angry, that means her “reptilian” or brain stem and the limbic region is activated. When kids are in this state, they are unable to think rationally. The more you talk back or try to correct, the more you poke that lizard.

And you know what happens when you poke a lizard! Ha!

Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be So Hard

I’m really hoping what has helped me will help you find joy in parenthood. Because once we realize that we don’t need to control our kids and that they are acting like crazy animals for a reason that is beyond what we can see, our own nervous systems remain calm. And when this happens, we can have rational thought about what’s really going on.

Self-control is a beautiful thing.

There are still times when I can feel my heart racing and fists clenching, but because I’m mindful about my body, I can recenter and focus on connection.

Let me know if any of these resonate with you and where you find parenting to be the most challenging. Comment below!

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August 28, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 19 Comments

How To Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach With These 5 Steps

Inside: Learn how to become your child’s emotion coach. This benefits both you and your children as they increase their emotional intelligence. Scroll down to sign up to get your free emotion coach printable.

What I’ve come to realize over the last ten years of my parenting journey is that the single most important thing my children need from me is emotional support. Not only to be understood but also to be taught social and emotional intelligence skills.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

raising a child with emotional intelligence

After reading countless books and listening to even more podcasts, I found that the common theme of successful child-rearing is creating a strong connection through understanding my own emotions first.

Once I can process my own emotions, then the second most important thing to do is to support how my child feels.

Regardless of the parenting style or philosophy, emotional intelligence is where it’s at. Don’t believe me, check out Generation Mindful! What they are doing to help kids increase emotional intelligence is INCREDIBLE!

Today, we know so much about the growing brain from neuroscience and behavioral research. There are longitudinal studies that span over 40, 50, 60 years! And with the help of technology such as Functional MRIs, we have concrete evidence of what’s happening with neural pathways during brain development.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence and How to Teach It To Your Child

Experts continue to gain very valuable knowledge about how people develop into resilient, competent adults who have high emotional intelligence.

How have we gone so long without realizing that emotions are healthy?

In the past, at least here in the United States, it was common for kids to not be treated like emotional beings. Instead, they were to be seen and not heard.

Denmark has been ranked as having the happiest people in the world for the past 40 years. If you take a deep dive into how they raise their kids, you’ll learn that empathy is deeply rooted in their values. There is not much shaming, blaming or frustration over unhappy feelings. And they instinctively start teaching empathy as soon as a child is born.

Read Next: Spend Quality Time With Your Kids

Emotional Intelligence

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in this field, states that research shows the biggest indicator of a child’s future is his or her relationship with others.

And that relationship starts with his or her parent.

By definition, emotional intelligence means, “The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

Whoah! That is loaded!

Here Are the Five Components of Emotional Intelligence:

Motivation
Empathy
Relationship & Social Skills
Self-Regulation
Self-Awareness

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is so important because it allows humans to flourish. It opens a door to better learning, relationships, understanding of others, academic achievement and eventually employment success. Psychologists even debate if EQ is more important than IQ.

Regardless, it’s something to pay attention to especially in raising kids. Even though some kids naturally have a higher EQ than others, it’s invaluable to focus on cultivating it in children so they can carry those skills into adulthood.

This can be done with a simple mind shift.

If your child struggles with big emotions, check out this Calm Down Toolkit to help him or her self-regulate.

It’s Not Only About Compliance

Since reading “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel Siegel, my eyes were opened to this world of connecting with my child on an emotional level. I had already figured out that punishment was not the most effective form of discipline, but connecting the dots with how the young brain develops was life-changing for my and my husband’s parenting approach.

A Tough Concept for Some

I do have to say that at first, this was a very hard concept for my husband to grasp. He was a firm believer that kids need consequences for every single mistake they make or when they display any kind of defiant behavior because “kids should be compliant.”

In fact, I can remember a situation where I was trying to put this knowledge into place and my husband was not having it.

We were walking home from the grocery store when one of my boys said or did something that appeared to be very disrespectful. I suggested we need to connect and then redirect as I had just learned.

Immediately, my husband glared into my eyes and asked, “You mean, I just let him get away with that behavior? I’m supposed to be kind to him when he just spoke to me like that? How will he ever learn?”

He often felt like they just “never listened.” The reason for this is that he wanted to control their behaviors right then and there versus allowing them to grow and learn from the situation. His thinking was understandable as it is a very common way for parents (and many teachers) to think.

Also, our boys may have seemed like they weren’t listening, but what they were really doing was fighting for autonomy. This is one of our basic psychological needs as humans, to feel like we have control over our own lives, and yet, children have very little.

Fast forward a few years and I learned that, in order for my husband to want to collaborate in parenting, I needed to stop telling and focus on supporting him and modeling how to connect with our boys. And secondly, we learned together that we don’t even need to correct those behaviors anymore because either they don’t happen or our kids self-correct.

We now know that our kids’ “disrespectful” talk is typically their stress response especially for our oldest. If we connect first, our boys will correct their own actions and most likely not repeat it in the future. That is a much better goal than only focusing on compliance at the moment.

It’s important to note that “stress response” behavior is not intentional like we usually assume. Instead, it’s out of their control which is why it’s even more important that we connect and take the opportunity to teach.

The Importance of Connection

As our boys have developed, we both realize the importance of connection and attuning to our children’s emotional needs. In fact, we’ve seen such a transformation and the fruits of this thinking, that this is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

I want to help other parents see past the behaviors and make strong connections with their kids. Because if a parent-child relationship is strong, that child is more likely to grow into a mentally and emotionally healthy adult.

Wouldn’t you agree that we need this more than ever now?

How To Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach With These 5 Steps

Recently, I came across the concept of Emotion Coaching.

It’s basically what we have been doing with our kids with all the research-based knowledge I’ve gained. I love how easy the steps are easy to remember and more importantly, implement.

Created by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute and author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting”, this concept teaches parents how to raise emotionally intelligent children.

The Five Steps to Emotion Coaching:

Be aware of emotions
Realize when a child is showing emotions that it’s an opportunity to connect
Help your child put a name to his or her emotions
Communicate empathy and understanding
Set limits and problem solve

I broke down each step so you can utilize this process in your own relationship with your kids:

Step 1: Be Aware of Emotions

All emotions are healthy. A great way to divide them is by acknowledging feelings that are uncomfortable and comfortable instead of good and bad.

In any relationship, there are two sets of emotions: one from each party. You have your bag of emotions, perceptions of the world, and feelings…

and so. does. your. child.

It’s very important that you are aware of yourself, first.

7 Ways to Work on Your Own Big Feelings:

Mindfulness Practice
- Wheel of Awareness
- Body Scan
- Go for a walk and draw your attention to the beauty in what you hear and what you see
Write in a Journal
Use Coloring Books
Pray
Relinquish Control
Be Aware of Your Triggers
Use Healthy Self-Talk and Positive Affirmations

Once we are aware of when we hit our stress response (fight, flight or freeze) and become either angry, frustrated, sad, or distant, we can acknowledge those feelings. Having a big feeling is totally okay, but it’s what we do with those emotions that matter in our own and our children’s lives.

What To Do with Heightened Emotions

By using some of the strategies listed above, we can be fully aware of when we’re feeling unhappy. In order for our kids to learn how to be in control of their own emotions, we must model and do the same ourselves.

Have you ever found yourself yelling, “Why are you yelling and being so rude to me?” I know I have! But do you see the irony?

There are going to be times when our heart rates just won’t come down.

This may be because we didn’t get emotion coaching as a child and there is something metaphorically blocking the gateway from our stress response to the thinker part of our brains. Being aware of this blockage can help reroute neural pathways. And if we really can’t get it together in the moment, that’s okay! Instead of lashing out either verbally or physically, do this one thing…

FOR YOU! You can download a free Emotion Coach Printable when you sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter

STOP!

(and if you need to, leave the room to calm down)

Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting teaches parents to Stop, Pause and Breathe. I’ve adapted it a little to Stop, Pray and Breathe.

When stuff hits the fan and I’m ready to go into battle, before even entering the battlefield, I stop. Well, let’s be real, this is my goal.

Secondly, we need to be attuned to our kids’ emotional needs. When they are displaying a certain feeling, it is most beneficial if we realize that their emotions may be expressed differently than ours. Also, because of their underdeveloped brains, they may not be able to regulate as quickly and easily.

It’s very common for kids who are neurodiverse to have challenges in this area. So by being aware that certain emotions are out of the child’s full control, we can move on to the next step with confidence and a gentle state of mind.

Step 2: When A Child is Emotional, Acknowledge it is a Time to Connect

Kids get upset.

Their little brains have a lot to learn when it comes to regulating emotions. When they are crying or angry, it’s not usually a time when parents see it as an opportunity to connect. But by understanding what emotions are, it’s one of the best times to show a child he or she is loved and cared for.

Strong parent-child relationships happen when there is caring communication so that a healthy attachment can form. If a child feels anything but loved every time he or she shows emotion, the relationship with that parent will slowly turn into a fear-based one or it will grow apart.

In order to achieve this, contingent communication should be the goal. I just read Parenting From the Inside Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. They say, “Signals sent by the child are directly perceived, understood, and responded to by the parent in a dance of communication that involves mutual collaboration.”

Both parties feel good. This is at the heart of a strong parent-child connection.

Emotional distress occurs when a person does not receive the communication he or she needs. It’s very confusing to a child if he is feeling one way but his parent is on a different page because kids require connection. When this happens, kids tend to not open up as much in fear that they won’t be understood.

You may not have grown up in a house where the focus was on connection but rather, correction and compliance. That’s a whole lot of c’s!

raising boys with Emotional Intelligence

In No-Drama Discipline (another book I highly recommend!) by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel Siegel, they give specific ways to connect with a child and I’ve found some other ways to achieve this.

10 Ways to Use Your Children’s Emotions to Connect With Them:

Stop, Pause and notice the child’s emotions and how they are acting before jumping in immediately.
Actively listen to your child. Fully listen without making assumptions or formulating a response to fire back.
Get on or below your child’s eye level.
Lovingly touch his or her arm while communicating.
Show sincere non-verbal empathic facial expressions.
Nod in an agreement or even if you don’t agree, show that you are trying to understand his or her point of view.
Validate your child’s feelings by acknowledging how they feel and you can even give a time when you felt the same exact way (if their emotions aren’t too out of control and they are in a teachable state).
Use reflective listening – summarize what you hear your child saying and repeat it back to him or her.
Once the dust has settled, savor your time together.
Be fully present and eliminate distractions.

Step 3: Teach Your Child How to Name His or Her Emotions

Emotions are something we are constantly pointing out in our family. Even our toddler is aware of when a baby is sad or his brother is angry.

The first step to emotional intelligence is to be able to name what a specific emotion is. Once kids have the language to attach to how they feel, it can help them work out those feelings and have a healthy relationship with emotions.

Psychologist Robert Plutchik developed a wheel of emotions that stem from these eight basic emotions:

Joy
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Surprise
Anticipation
Trust
Disgust

This is a great place to start. Then once they have these down, you can move on to even more emotions. Check this bad boy out (Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions):

In fact, when a child can label his or her emotions, he or she is less likely to turn those feelings into physical aggression. Saying, “I’m angry” is the first step to not using hands to express that same emotion.

8 Fun Ways to Help Kids Label Emotions:

Alphabet Game | This can be played anywhere. You go through the alphabet and try to come up with an emotion that starts with that letter. I’ll start, “A is for Affectionate.” Now it’s your turn!
Use Books! | While reading to your child, point out characters in the book and ask questions like, “How do you think she is feeling?” “Look at his face, is he happy, sad, angry or afraid?”
Read Books That Teach Social-Emotional Intelligence | There are some great books out there about feelings, empathy and being socially aware for all ages.
People Watch | I do this mainly with my toddler, but anytime there is another toddler or baby crying or laughing, I ask my little guy, “How is she feeling right now?”
Color by Number | A friend of mine got coloring sheets from the Dollar Spot at Target that teach emotional intelligence! There are colors assigned to different emotions. Then, every day, she discusses with her daughter how she feels. She picks an emotion and colors one section of the picture. At the end of the month, she could see all the different emotions she was feeling. What a great way to bring emotional awareness!
Watch and Pause | Watch a show together and randomly pause it. Point out the characters and ask what kind of emotion they are displaying.
Big Life Journal | Learning to journal while kids are young is a great way to get in touch with what’s going on inside.
Draw Emotions | Use a coloring sheet to teach your kids how to draw different facial expressions.

Step 4: Communicate Empathy and Understanding

Children do best when they feel like they have ideas that are valued, they can solve their own problems and they know you trust in their abilities.

And don’t we all just want to be loved and feel understood?

We can feel like we are pouring all this love on our kids but if they don’t also feel like we get them, there’s a missing link.

When a child is lashing out or not acting in a way you would like, there’s this common thinking that validating his or her feelings mean you are giving in or allowing the child to get away with something. After reading about the brain, neurotransmitters and how neural pathways are formed, this thinking is incorrect. And I see it in my own home every day.

Understanding feelings is not condoning defiant behavior.

It’s MUCH easier for a child to behave in an appropriate manner or follow rules if they feel validated.

What has helped me is putting myself in my child’s shoes and asking, “Would I like it if someone spoke to me that way or downplayed my beliefs?”

Oftentimes, we unintentionally treat kids in a way that we would never want to be treated especially when we are experiencing uncomfortable emotions.

Here are a Few Ways Your Child Will Feel Like You Care:

Acknowledge feelings without judgment. We need to keep our own opinions as opinions. Allow your child to make her own decisions.
Share the message that the way he is feeling is not only okay but accepted. It’s as if you give your child permission to experience whatever emotion he has at the time.
Be sensitive to his or her feelings. Don’t brush off how he or she feels just because you think it is silly or it doesn’t make any sense to you.
Once you show them you are aware of how they are feeling, connect with how you have felt that way one time. This piece has been very helpful with my kids.

develop emotional intelligence in your child

Step 5: Set Limits and Problem Solve

This one is my FAVORITE piece for developing emotional intelligence!

Over time my kids have started coming up with solutions without my help making me realize how important this is to teach.

Because I’m a control freak, I naturally want to come in and solve my kids’ problems for them. If we do this too much, they become unable to see problems and are unable to work through them without your help. Then they get to adulthood and every slight problem is an astronomical crisis. Do you know anyone like that?

Also, teaching kids how to solve their own problems gives them self-confidence, and makes them more independent which essentially makes them feel good about themselves, helps them become more creative and develop grit.

Great Ways to Help Your Child Problem-Solve:

Redirect | This is a superpower especially with toddlers! Redirect them for behavior that is unwanted not emotions that are uncomfortable.
Show Me The Hard Part | By asking your child to show you the hard part, it gets her to think about what she has to overcome or solve.
Teach Your Kids Problem-Solving Steps (These come from Big Life Journal)
1. What am I feeling?
2. What’s the problem?
3. What are the solutions?
4. What would happen if…?
5. Which one should I try?
Ask questions to get your child thinking
- How can you solve this?
- I see you have a problem, can you think of three ways that would fix it?
- If you do _________, what do you think would happen?
- How can I help you? This one is often a winner!
Break problems into pieces | Help your child come up with ways to solve each piece of the puzzle.

Last Step

The last step to emotional intelligence is to love your children hard.

In your actions and words, communicate to your kids that you are on their side. You want them to succeed and you are doing your best to understand and respect their thoughts and feelings, not forcing them to be who you want them to be.

I love the word “coach” because that implies that we have skills and lessons to teach.

This is a lot of information so I created a printable with all the nuts and bolts that you can hang in your office or on the fridge!

Comment below if you have any questions! Thank you for joining me on your parenting journey.

July 11, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 30 Comments

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Misbehavior & Sibling Fighting

Do you experience this in your home?

One kiddo is gone, and there are butterflies fluttering around, birds chirping, and sounds of peace.

Okay, maybe not the butterflies and birds, but there seems to be a sense of calm in the home and no unwanted behavior or sibling fighting.

For us, it’s when one of our older boys is missing. As soon as everyone is back together, chaos ensues.

Or what about this?

You are on the phone and as soon as you start talking or texting, your child starts yelling for your attention or making poor choices so you are forced to put the phone down.

The tension rises.

Patience starts to run thin.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

mom and son reading a book quality time pin

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Experiences shape brain structures and make connections as the child learns and grows.

Every time I’m having a positive interaction with my kids, I envision the neural pathways firing and connecting. This is why the way we interact and care for our child, especially in those first six years, is utterly important.

Humans are born with a primary emotional need for significance and belonging.

Attachment theory explains that there’s an emotional connection between a parent and child that aids in that child’s development into adulthood.

Psychologist World states, “Specifically, it [attachment theory] makes the claim that the ability for an individual to form an emotional and physical “attachment” to another person gives a sense of stability and security necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a personality.”

Simply put, our children desire connection and are wired to want to be connected to you, their parents. When they have to share the attention with another sibling, rivalry or resentment can usually form. Or if you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it.

Spending uninterrupted one-on-one quality time reduces tension and unwanted behaviors.

“If you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it.” ~Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose

mom and son making a paper ninja star spending quality time together

The Benefits of Spending One-On-One Time With Kids

With the busyness of life, although you see your kids often (some more than others), you may not spend the time that fosters deep connection.

It is proven that spending quality time with each of your children has many benefits. Your kids:

Gain confidence.
Feel secure.
Gain a strong sense of belonging and significance.
Become calmer and not feel the need to misbehave to get negative attention. WIN!!!!
Change their negative behaviors and make better choices.
Fight less with siblings. Sign me up for this one!
Become more cooperative.
Openly communicate with you.
Build a strong bond and really connect with you. This time also helps you see your kids in a different light, have more empathy, and enjoy who they are.

brother spending quality time together laughing

When you spend uninterrupted time with your child, he or she feels special and gets his or her attachment and attention bucket filled. When this happens, misbehavior, poor choices and sibling fighting reduce tremendously. There is no need to act out to get your negative attention because they are getting an excessive amount of the good stuff.

Read Next: 30 Fun Strategy and Board Games for Families

How to Incorporate More Quality Time With Your Kids

Quality time is very important and can make parents’ lives easier because of all the reasons listed above.

You may be thinking, “How in the world can I squeeze in even more time when I don’t have enough time as it is?” In reality, spending quality time with each of your children, SAVES you time because you will spend less time on annoying power-seeking behaviors. Also, your kids will become more cooperative the FIRST time you ask.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

The key is consistency.

Name Your Special Time

Before coming up with a schedule or time to squeeze in quality time, name it. This would make for a great Family Meeting Agenda topic so your kids can be involved.

Here are name ideas:

FOCUS Time – This is what my kids came up with. Because I love acronyms, it stands for: Focus On Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together.
Special Time – This seems to be the most common name as it appears on many parenting websites.
Mind Body Soul Time – This comes from Positive Parenting Solutions.
Hang Out
Together Time
One-on-One Time
{The child’s name} Time This comes from Aha Parenting.
QT – Because this is what it is right?!
Oodly Noodly Silly Time, Ninja Alliance, Prickly Pear Pow Wow – These came from my brain. Ha! I don’t know! Come up with something fun that makes you or your child giggle. Let your kids come up with something off the wall to make it even more special.

Read Next: 8 Tips For Having a Family Meeting

mom and son hugging on hammock spending quality time together

Carve Out the Time

Dr. Jane Nelson of Positive Discipline breaks down how much time kids need at each stage.

Toddlers under the age of two or three already require a lot of your time and won’t comprehend or benefit from this dedicated time with you or your spouse.

As they get older between the ages of two and six, about ten minutes every day is needed to build a deep connection. And kids, ages six to twelve, may not need this special quality time every day, but at least thirty minutes a week. Lastly, teenagers may not seem interested in spending one-on-one time with you, but trying to do something once a week or even once a month can help keep communication open and your relationship strong.

Once you know roughly how much time your kids need, try to schedule it either daily or weekly.

This is where we struggle especially during times when our daily schedule is inconsistent. By having time on a calendar, it’s easier to stay committed. Oh, and you know your kids will not forget.

Establish Rules and Guidelines

It is very important that you establish what this time is and isn’t with your child. Expectations prevent disappointments.

Discuss rules and guidelines with your child to get his or her input on what this time will look like. In “Me, Me, Me Epidemic” by Amy McCready, she lists the following basic guidelines after teaching parents all over the globe this concept of quality one-on-one time which she calls, Mind-Body-Soul Time or MBST.

Have a no-screen rule. Screens include TV shows, YouTube videos, phones, computers, tablets, etc.
Be Creative. This time can be when you’re in the car, on a walk or run, or when your kids first wake up.
Make sure the activity can be completed or reach a good stopping point within the time frame you set. When the time is up, it’s up. If you extend it, a feeling of entitlement can start setting in.
Don’t spend too much time coming up with an activity to do. If your child has a hard time deciding what to do then create or use the list I provide for you at the end of this post to pick an activity quickly.
Label the time together so they realize the time is special. McCready mentions reminding your child that his or her attention and power buckets are full. You can say something like, “I enjoyed our FOCUS time together. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.”
Set a timer. If your child has a tough time with the transition, have something already planned for him or her afterward like going outside or eating a snack. Food is always a good idea, right?!

Ways to Make Quality Time More Special

Your child will already feel special by getting your sole attention, but there are ways to make a lifelong impact.

Below are tips to make this time you spend with your child more memorable. They are adapted from the “Joy Fixes for Weary Parents” by Erin Leyba.

Have Your Child Do Something

When you are spending quality time together, give your child responsibility. You can also turn normal daily routines and errands into a special time by making your child feel useful. Kids will also want to be more cooperative and feel important when you put them in charge of a task.

For example, let your child use one of the huge vacuums at the car wash to help clean the car. My kids love cleaning the car then ending the time with a little sword fight. Shhhh, don’t tell the car wash owners.

Another example is to let your child pick out all the fruits and veggies and let them weigh them at the grocery store.

mom and son dancing in kitchen spending quality time together

Let Your Child Pick The Activity

This is part of our guidelines. As I mentioned above, they may not know what they want to do. Giving options works well as long as your child has the final say. Have your child use the free printable I created for you:

When kids pick the activity, they become more invested. And ever since reading, “Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, I realized that our kids need to have a sense of control (with direction from us, of course). When we hand over the control by giving our kids choices, they slowly build up a stress tolerance that will affect their lives forever.

Make Sure You Enjoy Each Other and Have Fun!

Let loose during this time. In our family, that usually involves dancing or singing terribly. The more terrible with made-up words, the better.

Find special ways that sprinkle a little extra fun. Connect by locking eyes making sure your child knows you really enjoy him or her.

Preview The Activity

If you are heading out of the house, talk about what you are going to see. Then, when you are at the location, seeing those will be more meaningful. It may also bring out the inquisitive side of your child. Since they know it’s coming, they will be more apt to ask questions.

Take Pictures or Video

Pull out your phone, camera, or video camera to capture the time together. Limit how many photos you take, though. Possibly only pull out the phone once. I’m guilty of being more concerned about taking the pictures than enjoying my kids. Because of this, they started hating pictures.

Now that they are getting older, they do appreciate seeing memories from when they were little so as long as I can keep myself in check, they will let me snap a picture or two.

Also, hand the camera over to your child so the moment is captured through his or her eyes!

Finally, once you have a bunch of photos, make a scrapbook, photobook, or journal together.

It’s important to have quality time WITHOUT capturing it. Just because you don’t have a photo of it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Incorporate Play

Use pretend play to tap into your child’s imagination. Play is the foundation of creativity.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive and emotional strength. Play is important to healthy brain development.”

Play allows kids to experience a sense of belonging in this world.

If you can’t stand making a horse go round and round and round a stable or pretend to be a little girl lost in the woods who is calling for her horse to come to save her, use play in a way that is more natural to you. If you go to a zoo, pretend to be the animal you see, or if you’re staying home, play store or use a felt board to create a little scene.

Incorporate your interests into play with your child.

Review The Quality of Time

Recall specific memories of one-on-one time you have spent together. Talking about these memories will allow your child to bring them up as well.

For example, we use this felt board a lot and one of my sons loves to reference the one story we made up. He mentions the characters we created and the funny things they did.

Brains are shaped by experience. The more we remind ourselves of specific memories and experiences, they move into long-term memory. And the more positive experiences kids store in their long-term memory, the more impact it will have on how they interact and react with their own families when they are older.

When You Don’t Have Time

You may be in a season right now where it is impossible to be consistent with individual quality time with each of your kids. If you have more than one or two children, the time commitment to do this may not be in the cards.

I know a mama right now who has a full-time job and is in school full time and has three kids, under the age of six!

The thought of needing to spend daily uninterrupted time with each of her children would probably stress her out. If you are like my friend, throw the mom guilt away. You are the perfect parent for each of your children!

Here are a few things that can help:

First, this may only be a season. Your kids will get older and it will become easier to squeeze in some one-on-one time. Also, there will come a time when it’s not as busy. In my friend’s case, she doesn’t have a lot of variables she can move around, but you might. See if there are things in your schedule that don’t need to take priority. Instead, put your kids into that 10-15 minute time slot.

Secondly, find your tribe. This isn’t only for your business or friendship circles but also for your kids. Do they have someone special in their life who can take this time to focus solely on their child for a few minutes a day? What about a caretaker, grandparent, family friend, aunt or uncle? If so, spending time with another adult who loves your child will still help keep his or her attention bucket filled.

dad and son building a 3D Printer for quality time together

Another idea may be to come up with something super short that only that specific child does such as a special handshake. Every time you do have a second, lock eyes with him or her and do your special thing.

Lastly, explain to your kids how important they are to you and that’s why you’re in this season of life – working hard, going to school, taking classes, or whatever else you are doing to improve your family life. Share the love and joy you have with your kids in any way you can. Being open and honest will help them understand a little more or at least be able to reflect back on what you were sacrificing.

Quality Time Activities

Now, the question is, “What activities do we do for Quality Time?” I’m so happy you asked!

I’ve created a printable with over 60 activities you can do with your kids.

Fill out the form below to snag it.

The activities are sorted by things to do in the house and out of the house. Some may require more than 10-20 minutes but can be incorporated into your daily tasks and routines.

mom and son at aquarium with books spending quality time together

How Do You Spend One-On-One With Your Kids?

How do you spend quality time with your kids? I would love to know so I can add it to the list!

Can you tell when their attention buckets are empty?

Please let me know if any of these strategies or tips help you build a stronger connection with each of your children by commenting below.

Haaaaave fun!

January 8, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 10 Comments

Routines for Kids: Why They Work & How to Create Your Own

By nature, I like to structure my day. I don’t only prefer it, I feel like my world is crashing down around me if I don’t have a routine to follow.

I was the same way when I had my first son. Even before he came, I spent hours making schedules in Excel, color-coded and all, to help all of us get in a routine as soon as possible. Ya, I was a bit of a nut. Some of my friends would attest that not a lot has changed but they still love me.

Now, these schedules didn’t always work because you know, brand-new babies think they should have their own timelines and needs met {insert dramatic hands thrown up in the air here}.

In all seriousness though, having some kind of structure to our day did help with sleep training, squeezing playtime in, helping with soothing and more importantly, keeping me (as) sane (as the crazy new mom I was could get).

Routines Are Imperative

Fast forward nine years, routines are more imperative than ever. My son has challenges with Executive Functioning with a provisional diagnosis of ADHD so he needs a routine.

Also, I have found that trying to rush out the door in the morning and making dinner are often my triggers. I go from Unikitty to Angry Kitty.

By having a routine for my kids to follow, there is a reduced amount of nagging to get things done before needing to head out the door. We get to stay on Cloud Cuckoo Land with all the rainbows and puffy clouds.

I like rainbows and puffy clouds. A lot.

What is a Routine?

When I say routine, I’m referring to some kind of consistent schedule at a certain part of the day. Mornings, after school and bedtime are the times of the day that we try to have some kind of routine, although flexible, in place.

Here are daily routines that are often helpful to have:

Morning – In my house, this is the most crucial routine we have. I am no longer involved in my boys getting ready in the morning and it’s glorious.
After School –Is it only me or does your house feel like a circus complete with acrobats when your kids get home from school?
Naps (if still taking them) and Bedtime
Chore Schedules and Routines
Play and Family Time

Because I don’t want to be more controlling than I already tend to be, we pretty much focus on having a solid morning and bedtime routine and chore schedules to allow for creativity and a little freedom.

Why Routines are Important

Routines are important for both kids and parents because they create predictability which leads to security and can aid in developing self-discipline.

There is so much change in a child’s life that having some kind of daily structure can significantly reduce stress and anxiety. Starting off the day knowing exactly what needs be done versus running around the house like your hair is on fire or you’re being chased by an angry monkey (you pick!) can set the tone for a much calmer and more productive day for you and your kids. And it feels good!

Raising Kids With Purpose Creating Routines

Dr. Laura Markham, author of many books I recommend and founder of Aha! Parenting says, “Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively control themselves and their environments.”

Kids who don’t have set times or places to get mundane tasks done have a tougher time learning to do the same when they are grown. Also, I can attest to not really having much of a self-care routine during my childhood (mainly because my parents working hard and not at home) which has resulted in a tougher time developing healthy habits as an adult.

“Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively control themselves and their environments.” – Dr. Laura Markham

We want our kids to thrive as adults which includes brushing their teeth, wiping their butts (I’m not even kidding), and eating healthy without being told to do so. If they are capable of creating a routine that is easy to follow, these things can be done on autopilot and without any hesitation.

The Benefits of Routines

Routines are helpful to both adults and kids and for our relationship with each other. Since implementing a morning and evening routine, I no longer turn purple from saying, “Put your shoes on” or “brush your teeth” over and over and over AND over again.

I barely have to repeat myself (even having a kid with ADHD which is a feat in itself!) which helps me treat my kids with kindness creating a stronger connection with them.

Raising Kids With Purpose Morning Routine

The Brain Benefits of Routines:

Our brains become more happy by increasing certainty. | Whenever people face uncertainty, the amygdala (the responsible party for fight, flight or freeze) is engaged. Routines help us know what to expect keeping our bodies calm and more alert.
We can think more clearly. |The prefrontal cortex (the thinker brain) houses executive functions which allow people to organize, plan, self-regulate, and get tasks done. This part of the brain tends to tire more easily if used a lot. Establishing routines helps our brain store those tasks in our basal ganglia, where our habits are stored, freeing up space in our prefrontal cortex and allowing us to have a clear mind so we can do new tasks and be creative in other areas. Wowzas! That was one heck of a run-on sentence so you may want to read it again *wink.
Our energy levels won’t be depleted as easily. | The Ego-Depletion effect is that feeling you get after completing tasks all day long. After a long hard day, you get the feeling of wanting to curl up on the couch and watch Netflix because you use up all your limited willpower (and self-control). Having routines can conserve our self-control and energy.
We can lose fewer things. | I love organization and to be organized but because I’m always thinking of the next thing (and probably because I have three little people with different wants all at the same time), I lose things…a lot. I can better keep track of things by putting simple routines into place. For example, hanging up my keys in the same place every day as soon as I walk into the house has helped tremendously. Now, if I could put a routine in place where I place my phone….

8 Benefits of Having Routines With Our Kids

Routines let your kids know what is important to you and can help minimize a lot of parent-child struggle. Also, we know that kids thrive when there is structure. Because of this, routines can have emotional, behavioral, and health benefits such as these:

Kids are more likely to cooperate and be intrinsically motivated to do the task at hand.
Power struggles can be eliminated or at least minimized. This runs true for our family which I mentioned above. Instead of getting into a battle on what they should be doing, I hand over their laminated routine chart and then walk away.
Expectations can be established for kids. Routines can teach time management, teach responsibility with chores, establish healthy habits, and help your child know what to expect all the while decreasing anxiety.
You can be more consistent in those expectations you have for your kids. Often we assume our kids know how to get themselves ready without any help which isn’t always the case. By having a routine in place (and better yet, printed out!), our expectations will be realistic.
Confidence and independence can develop. My oldest loves being able to cook his own breakfast in the morning. His self-confidence has exploded now that he is getting closer to taking care of himself.
Stronger connections and family bonds are created.
Time management skills are acquired from a young age. Don’t we all wish we knew how to use our time wisely? Getting started young can develop stronger habits for the future.
Kids experience stability and security. A predictable environment helps kids feel safe and protected especially during developmental changes such as synaptic pruning periods and puberty. Oh, puberty.

Fostering Autonomy When Creating Routines

Before I get into how to create a routine, I want to bring up the topic of autonomy. So often in parenting, by default, we have our own agendas for our kids to follow without any collaboration. We are the CEO and we treat our kids with a top-down approach.

What if we allowed them to make their own decisions with the amount of guidance they need?

Self-determination theory is a macro theory of human motivation and personality (Gagne & Deci, 2005). It is concerned with the motivation behind the choices people make without being extrinsically motivated or rewarded.

According to Good Therapy, the self-determination theory explains the three basic psychological needs people need to fulfill:

Autonomy, or the need to feel free to choose their own behavior
Competence, or the need to feel capable of effectively interacting with their environment
Relatedness, or the need to feel close to and meaningfully connected to others

I mention this because allowing your kids to create their own routines and then follow through on those themselves can develop a strong sense of autonomy. Kids are then able to develop problem-solving skills and great emotional well-being which will be beneficial for a lifetime.

When kids feel capable of making their own choices, the learning that occurs is invaluable. By doing this, kids can also realize the importance of family values, rules, and how to be a good human being.

In creating a routine, instead of handing over what you think is best, guide them carefully to choose what works for them and for the family.

Now The Fun Part, Creating Routines

For a routine to be effective, make sure it is

Clearly planned | Everyone needs to know what role they play with a plan made AHEAD of time.
Consistent |We have been trying to establish a routine of all hands on deck to clean the kitchen after dinner but aren’t very consistent. Therefore, the routine hasn’t been as successful as our morning and evening routines. After being consistent for a few months or so, check in with your kids and maybe change things up so it feels new again.
Predictable | On some of our routine charts, we listed times so every day we can try to aim to do those things at the same time or at least around that time.
Fun | Add a little fun. Our kids listed “do push-ups” as their last task of the morning. They don’t always do this but when they see it, they laugh.

Creating a Routine Chart

As mentioned, have your child be part of creating a chart. There are a ton of pre-made charts available but they are more likely to take part if they are given the autonomy to do their own.

Ways to Create a Routine Chart

Draw one! | My nieces talked to their mom about what should be on their morning routine chart and then drew pictures for each of the tasks. They enjoyed making a special creation that they could use daily.
Make one on the computer | Use a program like Word and allow your kid to pick his or her own clip art.
Use a stuffed animal or favorite toy | This is a great suggestion for kids who have sensory challenges or prefer soft things to touch. Attach the tasks to different parts of the toy that the child will follow in a specific order.
Use a chalkboard or whiteboard| If you have a place in your home with a chalkboard or whiteboard, put the routine on there for a reference for your kids. This can easily be changed as well.
Print out the routine chart I created for you!

Command Center Ideas:

The benefits of routines for kids and how you can get your mornings and evenings back. #routines #freeprintable

Download Free Routine Charts Including a Create-Your-Own

The routine charts are for both morning and night. I cut then laminated them so they were easy to carry around the house. When they are finished, they pin them back up on the Command Center.

I also included a Create-Your-Own. You can open it on your computer and add clip art or let your kids draw pictures!

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Connection Before Correction

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

4. Become a Sportscaster

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

5. Play!

6. Quality One-On-One Time

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7. Hug!

8. Bedtime Bonding

9. Eat Dinner Together

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

11. Disconnect to Connect

The Reward

Let’s Connect

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

What Is Resilience?

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

1. Competence

2. Confidence

3. Connection

4. Character

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5. Contribution

6. Coping Skills

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7. Control

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

How to Look Underneath the Surface

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

Connection is More Important Than Correction

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

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What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

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Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills

1. Learn From You!

2. Learn How To Express Feelings

“I” Statements

Bug and a Wish

3. Become Effective Problem Solvers

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4. Gain Estimation and Prediction Skills

5. Become Empathic

6. Doing Self-Reflection

7. Understand Their Own Brain

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Growth Mindset

Self-Awareness Can Make a BIG Difference

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Pressure During Christmas

What Is Anxiety?

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Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Anxiety During The Holidays

Common Triggers

7 Signs That Your Child is Anxious at Christmas

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What You Can Do To Help Your Anxious Child At Christmas Time

The Reason for the Season

How do you help your child who is more anxious around Christmas?

The Four Parts of Gratitude

1. NOTICE – Simply take note of all that there is to be thankful for.

2. THINK – Take time to think about why you have the things, people, and experiences in your life.

3. FEEL – Get in touch with how the things you are most thankful for make you feel.