Raising Kids With Purpose

Creating a Strong Family Culture

generation mindful

By 16 Comments

A Parent’s Guide To Help Kids Accept Change and Tolerate Uncertainty

 Inside: The world can feel like a scary place especially right now. This is a guide for parents to help kids accept change and tolerate uncertainty while focusing on positive mental health. 

Mental health is about having emotions that are appropriate to experience during certain situations.

Being sad when something is sad. Being scared when the world feels scary.

Neither pretending like things are all rainbows and sunshine or spiraling into a pit of fear and anxiety is helpful for anyone. Instead, we need to pay attention to how we approach the ever-changing world so that our kids are able to develop resilience, positive mental health, and become good humans. 

accept change tolerate uncertainty

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

We Can’t Escape Change And Uncertainty

You can’t turn on a TV or open a computer without seeing all the crazy amounts of change going on right now.

As always, we, parents, MUST put on our oxygen mask first in order to help our kids. We’re not much help if we can’t breathe. Right?! 

What I have been noticing is that parents are having a hard time knowing what to do.

We know that change and adversity are good for kids as long as they can manage the stress and learn from their experiences (ahem, that goes for us, adults, too!). Also, kids may not even be worried about the same things that we are. Therefore, it’s important to start with attuning to our children’s individual needs.

It’s inevitable that our children will go through some huge changes during their lifetime. It may be a change in school, a loss of a loved one, a change in having to dress a certain way (like how people are being required to wear masks for the first time in US history), parents separating or divorcing, or any other big life change. 

When I told my husband what I was writing about he said, “Oooh and puberty! It’s a stinky and scary change!”

All kidding aside, all humans experience change and uncertainty throughout their lives. It’s important that we help our kids navigate these waters without drowning as evidence is showing us that our youth are becoming less resilient as they lack these very important skills. 

11 Ways To Help Kids Accept Change and Tolerate Uncertainty

For good mental health, it’s imperative that kids learn how to accept change.

Kids don’t have to like change, they just need to be able to get through it, adapt, and grow through it! 

Here are 11 ways parents can walk alongside kids to help them accept change and then tolerate uncertainty to the point where they can truly be better humans.

If you rather watch (or listen) than read, check out this video:

1. Unpack Your Own Feelings First

The first thing you need to do is make sense of how you feel as a parent.

Are you scared, anxious, annoyed, ready for change or indifferent?

Do a little self-reflection so you can overcome any scary feelings you may have about uncertain times.

I made an emergency emotions toolkit you can download to help you do just this!

emergency emotions toolbox

Here are other simple ways to figure out how to address your own concerns: 

  • Take walks around your neighborhood or through the woods. Nature is AMAZING for a worried brain.
  • Focus on your breath with daily breathing exercises or during a daily mindfulness practice.
  • Talk to an adult family member, close friend or listening partner.
  • Journal and write down your feelings. Do a brain dump to get all the thoughts out on paper or on a computer.
  • Listen to uplifting music such as worship music. I’m really digging this song right now. 
  • Have a sit spot that you go to every day and take notice of slight changes. I do this every morning in my neighborhood park.
  • Limit your social media and media exposure. Doing some research is okay in order to navigate all the changes happening, but too much is proven to help NO ONE! 
  • Read the truth and take all your concerns to God through prayer.

It’s nearly impossible to be able to help our kids accept change and tolerate uncertainty if we haven’t done the work ourselves.

And sometimes, it’s really hard work. 

Remember, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m only an email away!   

Also, if you’re in a place where everything feels like it’s just too much, find a mental health professional you can seek therapy from. They are very accessible today with most offering teletherapy services. 

.

2. Have Essential Conversations

Dr. Abigail Gerwitz, the author of “When the World Feels Like a Scary Place: Essential Conversations for Anxious Parents and Worried Kids,” encourages parents to pick a specific time every day to talk to their kids.

Make sure this is a time when everyone is at their calmest or what I call, connected. This is when the prefrontal cortex is online and you and your kids are both able to think rationally and engage in conversation. 

Gerwitz suggests that you aim for 10 minutes a day. A great time to do this is during one-on-one quality time. In our family, we call it FOCUS time.

PSSST: If you need easy activities to do with your child so he or she will open up, here is a free download of Quiet Time Activities. 

You can have these essential conversations while in the car on the way to or from school (or if that isn’t happening…enter a huge sad face here…on the way to anywhere)! A car is a great place because the kids can’t just walk away from you!

Another great time to engage in conversation is while playing cards, playing a board game, sitting on the floor together, or even while doing a life skill together such as cooking or doing laundry. 

For these conversations to be beneficial in helping kids accept change, you want to be prepared with what to say. Have a basic idea of what you want to address and lead with questions. 

Remember to consider these factors when deciding what to share and how much to share: 

  • Age of child
  • Temperament of child
  • Child’s individual needs – Is your child more or less anxious? Can he or she deal more or less with ambiguity? How engaged is the child? Do they care about the change or experience? 

Another great tip when having essential conversations about change and uncertainty is to become a good active listener. 

This means that you must put aside your own concerns and listen without judgement or without inserting your own emotions. This is why it’s so important that you unpack your feelings first. 

Listen to what your child’s specific concerns are. It may be completely opposite of your own worries or something that you never saw coming. 

Remember to not put a positive spin on situations especially if what your child is going through is really awful.

For example, there are protests occurring around the country right now. They’re scary and can trigger a lot of worry and anxiety. Instead of pretending like they’re not happening, allow your child to process their thoughts then meet them where they are in a developmentally appropriate way. 

Read Next: 10 Ways To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

In general, this is what kids at different developmental ages need:

  • Younger children need concrete language and concepts.
  • School-aged kids usually do well with being asked questions. This will help you gauge what their needs are. 
  • Teens can be spoken to in a more complex way and talk about existential concepts.

I asked Dr. Mallory Yee, a licensed psychologist who is part of The Childhood Collective, questions regarding helping kids with change and uncertainty.

My first question was, “What is the best way to talk about the changes happening in the world and how school will be?” 

She said, “I think you’ve described it perfectly above! Let your kids know that our world is always changing. You can provide some examples of how things are different now than when you were their age, and their grandparents. Change can be good, but we have to work for that to be true. Help {your kids} think of a time when a change happened that they were unsure of, that ended up being positive.” 

Dr. Mallory (as she says patients refer to her as) also said to make sure your kids know that it’s not their responsibility for taking care of the big things, but rather, it’s the adult’s job.

In addition to keeping them safe, communicate to your kids that life may look different than it used to, but that you will work hard to allow them to explore their interests even if it’s in new and different ways. 

3. Have Empathy and Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

This is the number one tip I give to any parent raising children; not just while facing change and uncertainty. 

Attuning to your child’s individual needs will fulfill their innate desire to feel safe, seen and heard. And when this happens, they can truly grow, accept change, tolerate uncertainty, overcome adversity and become resilient, self-actualized, competent people. 

If you have more than one child, remember their experiences may be different so meet them where they are.

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Acknowledge the losses your kids are facing and express how uncertainty can be challenging.

Identify and validate your child’s feelings. Be careful not to follow empathetic statements with, “but”. Instead, change your “but’s” to “because”. I heard this on a podcast once (but I’m not sure who said it!), and it has made such a difference when I’m attuning to my kids’ needs and feelings. 

Here is an example. Instead of saying, “I know you feel disappointed and sad you can’t play your favorite sport, but everything is shut down. None of your friends can play either,” a better way to put it would be, “I know you are disappointed and sad that you can’t play your favorite sport because you really enjoy being on a team. You also love practicing. I really enjoyed watching you play, too. How about we practice in the backyard every day after school until the season starts again?” 

Wouldn’t that make YOU feel like your parents understood you and cared about your circumstances more than the former statement? I know it would for me. 

It can be helpful to acknowledge where you see their emotions. I often see my son’s anger in his face and eyes. I simply tell him my observation then I follow up by asking where he feels the anxiety or strong feeling.  

Lastly, realize that what your child may be feeling is real even if it seems trivial to you.

Do not ignore or punish emotions because emotions are important signals.

If kids are told not to feel, their nervous system will either get confused because it literally can’t do that or your child may start hiding his or her feelings from you. Stuffed feelings have to come out one way or another. It’s not typically pretty if they have been hiding for a while.  

help kids tolerate uncertainty

4. Acknowledge That Some Days Will Be Harder Than Others

This piece of advice is also from Dr. Mallory of The Childhood Collective.

It’s important to realize that what your child is experiencing may be like a pendulum.

One day, it may swing to one side where they can manage more change then other days it swings to the opposite side which is much harder to accept the change or handle uncertainty. 

5. Help Kids Develop Practical Acceptance 

Dr. Christine Carter, author of “The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction,” says that kids really suffer when they resist what is actually happening. Oftentimes, it’s the adults in their lives that are trying to protect them so they ignore what is happening or pass it off as nothing. 

What we need to do instead is to help our kids accept the current situation whether that is a huge change or an uncomfortable experience.

As a parent, don’t be in denial about what is happening and don’t let your child be in denial either because that is extremely unhelpful when working towards accepting change and tolerating uncertainty. 

Also, make sure you accept your child’s (and your own personal) emotions of discomfort, sadness, frustration, etc. You don’t need to fix the emotion but rather, walk them through how to constructively deal with those feelings. Simply naming the feeling has a lot of power. It’s kind of crazy how the limbic system will literally calm down when a big feeling is named. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this, “name it to tame it.”

Carter also suggests to not let your child go down the “what might happen” rabbit trail. Instead, focus on the now. 

For You! To help you get out how you are feeling that can also lead to talking points with your kids, I created an Emergency Emotions Toolkit. Sign up for The Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter and get it for free!

6. Watch For Rumination

I have OCD so I will often ruminate about situations that I cannot control. In order to get off the rumination-train, I have to be self-aware, write it all down, and if needed, come up with a plan. 

Rumination is continuously thinking about the same thoughts, which tend to be sad or dark. 

When I asked Dr. Mallory if school-age kids ruminate, she replied, “Yes, school-age kids can get stuck in cycles of rumination and worrying. I love the book “What To Do When You Worry Too Much”… it helps kids “lock away” worry thoughts and save them for Worry Time each day. The more we attend to and talk about our worries, the more they grow. The idea behind Worry Time is saving those worries for a small, specific time of day so as to avoid them occupying all aspects of one’s day. The more and more we save them for Worry Time, the less they will start showing themselves throughout the day.” 

I absolutely love this idea and may need to grab a copy of the book for me, not my kids. Ha! 

Other ways to help kids who ruminate or get caught up in worries, anxious or dark thoughts is to teach them how to feel it in their bodies first. Bring them to the present as mentioned above, then ask how their emotions are connected to their thoughts. 

Here are easy questions to ask: 

  • Where in your body is it?
  • Does it have a color?
  • Does it have a texture?
  • Can you see it?

Then once your child is calm and connected, give him or her alternate ways to think. Ask questions like, “What is the best case scenario? “ Then let him or her know that his or her imaginations have the power to create thoughts that won’t trigger such negative emotions in the future.

emotion coach

7. Coach Your Kids Through Difficult Situations

The best way to coach your kids to accept change and tolerate uncertainty is to become their emotion coach. I have a whole post on how to do this including a free printable you can snag here. 

Dr. Mallory of The Childhood Collective says that oftentimes, your children will come to you with challenges more so they know you are on their side and not so much for the advice. Parents then should give kids a safe space to process their thoughts and feelings. 

She also suggests, “It can be helpful to ask your child, ‘Are you just looking to vent/for a listening ear, or do you want me to help you problem-solve?’ We can only be effective in helping our children problem-solve if we understand their view of the problem and they are open to our assistance. Also, I urge parents to provide at least 5-10 minutes per day of one-on-one “chat time” or “talk time” with their child. This time doesn’t have any agenda, but it is a saved, safe space for your child to bring to you any challenges.” 

.

8. Encourage Play

Kids make sense of their world through play. However, with all the access to technology (because it can sometimes be MUCH easier to entertain your kids with), kids are playing less and less. 

Give your kids the space to engage in free play.

This means the play is not organized or prompted by you or anyone else. As I have found the hard way, not everyone agrees that kids should be able to play freely, but research shows us that it isn’t just beneficial, it’s vital for healthy brain development. 

Also, during your one-on-one time, get down on the floor WITH your kids and take their lead while engaging in their play. 

Dr. Mallory suggests that instead of asking questions during this time, reflect back what you hear by simply narrating what you see them doing. This will help fill their attention bucket up which can also help them accept change. 

9. Have Consistent Routines

This is a big one!

routine charts for kids

Routines are important for both kids and parents because they create predictability which leads to security and can aid in developing self-discipline. 

When facing a huge change, having some kind of consistency in a child’s life can really help him or her feel less stressed and more importantly, safe. I unpack all the research behind routines in this post. 

Bonus! You can download your free morning and evening routines chart when you sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose newsletter.

10. Set A Goal Of What You Would Like To Happen

In general, we, parents, should have goals in mind of what we want to accomplish while raising kids. These can be written down or just thoughts that you don’t forget. 

My friend, Amy Carney, author of Parent On Purpose” “has this theme throughout her whole book. She suggests that you keep in mind what you want for your kids in the next five years. Then all of your decisions as a family are based on those goals. Parent for the end. 

So during big changes and uncertainty, figure out what goals you have to overcome this time. Examples include keeping your kids emotionally healthy, keeping your kids physically healthy, or teaching the gift of service or gratitude. 

Another thing to think about is, what kind of child do you want to raise? Aside from what is currently going on in the world, what values do you want to make sure you are instilling in your children. What do you find important that your kids grow up knowing or valuing?

Who do you envision your children becoming (not just “what” they’re going to become)?

Write these down and keep them in mind as you navigate these challenging and uncertain times. For example, if you want to raise compassionate, caring, kind, understanding, empathic people – be sure you are communicating these things instead of instilling fear or judgment.

Obviously, we are not solely in charge of who or what our kids are, but we can do our darndest to be a good influence, amiright?!

Our children are born wired to look for guidance from their parents or caretakers. With a clear vision of what you want for your children, you can help guide them to be good humans who love people (or maybe that’s my personal goal in raising kids)! 

tolerate uncertainty

11. Give Hope

Last but certainly, not least, we need to give our kids HOPE!

Don’t allow your kids to get sucked into a cycle of feeling powerless or feeling worse and helpless.

And if you feel this way, remember, there is always something we can do, even if it’s very small. I have a close friend who reminds me of this daily as she boldly stands up for her faith and beliefs.

Openly discuss what this change is allowing your kids and family to do that you couldn’t otherwise. 

Specifically, with the pandemic, I know many families who typically have to stay home in the summer due to crazy sports schedules and work. But because work is now remote and sports are canceled, they decided to go on on vacation for multiple weeks.

There is always light to be found in spite of the darkness. It’s important for our kids to see the light, too. 

And this would be the time when I would start belting out, “I See The Light” from Tangled. But since I’m writing this, you’ll just have to use your imagination! 

One last PSSST...if you are struggling working from home while your kids are in school also at home, check out this amazing course called Work From Home With Kids Who Thrive! Use the code THRIVE25 for 25% off!

How Do You Manage Sudden Changes and Uncertainty?

When I was younger, I really struggled with cognitive flexibility and really could have used some of these tips to overcome the feeling that the world was going to end. 

Now that I have more self-awareness, practice mindfulness, and have a better understanding of how we can overcome challenges, I am focusing on letting my kids truly grow through what they go through. 

Something I do still struggle with is tolerating uncertainty. I keep joking that the pandemic is forcing me to embrace uncertainty more than I ever have before. I have no other choice! 

How are you navigating these uncharted waters? I’d love to know as I’m sure it will be an encouragement to others as well. 

If you have found these tips helpful, please feel free to share or pin! 

adriane signature

By 65 Comments

The Scary Truth About Sending Kids Back to School & What Experts Say to Do

Inside: Parents are at such a crossroads with what to do with their children’s education. Sending kids back to school can feel scary. I interviewed experts from The Childhood Collective on ways we can help our concerns and move forward in a healthy way. And don’t forget to download your Emergency Emotional Toolbox.

My mom-friend recently sent me the document she got from her children’s school outlining how the school will function when it reopens the doors. Her text to me said, “This feels like prison.” 

She’s not the only one who feels this way.

In the past month or so, I don’t think I’ve gone a day without seeing or hearing parents posing questions about whether or not to send their kids back to school or whether or not schools are going to reopen. Many of these parents are really contemplating keeping their kids home regardless if they work or not. 

This is a hot topic because education matters. Our kids social and emotional development matters. How we interact in this world and what we learn matters. How we overcome adversity and scary times matter not only for the time being but for our future; for our kids’ development and for their future well-being. 

emotional health for kids school

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Parents’ Concerns About Kids Returning to School

I posed the question, “What is your biggest concern about kids returning to school when schools reopen?” on my personal Facebook page as well as a Facebook group I’m in. I got an overwhelming amount of insightful responses. 

Here are some of the comments I received from moms:  

“Wearing masks all day and our kids not getting the exercise they need by being stuck in the same room all day at a desk. Our kids even have to eat lunch in the room. The cafeteria staff will be bringing the food to them. Will they even get bathroom breaks or will those be limited too?” Danielle Phelps,  Holistic Life & Business Coach

“So many questions what the school year will look like – concerns about the schedule, it then changing, mandatory masks, mandatory temperature checks, social distancing what that would look like, no specials (we pay for his education to be above and beyond so what are we paying for if he doesn’t get what we originally “signed up for”), mandatory va-x — all of which we could navigate one by one, but as a whole, I think this year is so unstable from ‘what to expect'” Heather Shriver Burns, Mindset and Business Strategist

“Consistency. Having the district decide on a plan, then having to change it because of a rise in cases. Also not going back full time. Our district is considering a plan where they go one or a few days a week…my kids cannot handle the constant transition.” Connie S. Hurlburt, Online Health & Wellness Coach and Digital Media Marketing Strategist

“…Concerned about mental health for everyone, kids, teachers, families. This is still real and affecting everyone. Will everyone be anxious? Will kids be stressed? Acting out more in class? Will the environment be as good for learning as it was before this happened? Or is staying home better, for now, to be with family? Many of the staff, teachers even could be very anxious, scared, could even have lost family members or have had personal experiences with the virus. That’s a lot to go through and expect to go back to work like usual.” ~Amy, RN working with COVID patients
 

“The use of face masks and the physical distance as that’ll affect teaching and their [the children’s] sense of self.” Zoia, Natural Nutrition Health Coach

“The stress and chaos have me the most worried. I will be keeping kids home because of this more than my health concerns.” Jasmine Holdren

“I hate the idea of mandatory masks…and temperature checks and social distancing and anything else that will give young children anxiety. My son has fought a battle with chronic strep throat a few years back. I saw many doctors, shed a lot of tears, and spent a ton of money getting his immune system back on track. We now see an amazing chiropractor and he takes daily supplements and hasn’t had it since but…I refuse to start at square one again. I keep reading that strep is on the rise from wearing masks due to bacteria growth inside the mask. I just can’t fathom making him wear a mask…it gives me anxiety. My question is what if a child passes out from wearing a mask at school? And honestly how effective will they be? What if some kids parents never wash them or don’t provide clean ones? What if the kids touch them all day? 🤷🏻‍♀️”  Echo Muncie, Former Preschool/Daycare Co-Director

“That my oldest child’s anxiety is going to go through the roof.” Jenn Paterson

sending kids to school

Teachers’ Concerns About These Uncertain Times

With so many concerns about teachers, I reached out to a friend, Amanda Kortright, who is a school improvement consultant/coach. She wrote this post on Facebook, “You know what would be neat? If an article said, ‘Here’s what experts say schools should look like next year.’ And then those experts that they went on to quote WERE TEACHERS. Teachers. Teachers are experts on school.” 

I couldn’t write this post about sending kids back to school without including what teachers’ concerns are as well. Amanda does a great job at summarizing what she has seen in the education communities.

Amanda writes: 

“Every teacher I have spoken with is worried about their students and the learning gaps that have and that will widen. The abrupt end to the year caused havoc to their systems of delivering instruction and to student achievement growth.

They are all busy this summer (no extra pay, of course) trying to figure out how to assess the kids and catch them up! All are worried about the most disadvantaged, obviously. Some kiddos get their only hug or meal of the day at school.

Some want to go back face-to-face because they haven’t had any training in how to deliver instruction virtually. Despite the fact that there are record numbers of teachers spending their own time online in training on how to do so, they don’t even know if they’ll be delivering the content remotely or in-person because no one in government can make up their mind. 

And don’t get me started on the two days on/three days off “blended” learning plans. Teachers are not being included in the conversation unless they have an awesome superintendent who wants to hear from them. How do they plan on teachers delivering instruction if they don’t know whether or not it’ll be on Zoom/Google Meets or in person? 

And if teachers and students are in the classroom, that forces a whole new method of delivering instruction because of all of the regulations/rules. 

Here are a few questions to ponder, ‘How do teachers teach reading when kids can’t see their mouths because of having to wear a mask? How does a teacher put 30 first graders in a small classroom and keep them 6 feet apart? How do they give the kids recess or gym class and keep them from spreading the virus?’

And I’ve seen some districts that cancelled recess altogether; a teacher’s worst nightmare. 

Since masks mute voices, many teachers are also buying (with their own money) sound projection mic systems. Others are purchasing the mics that will record their voices to live feeds because their districts have ordered them to deliver instruction to kids who are sick at home, whose parents aren’t comfortable, or who have immunity issues. All of this is expected with no technology training. 

Some teachers are terrified for their lives. New York City Schools stayed open one week longer than most other districts in the spring. They were worried about sending the most disadvantaged home to abusive households, homes with no food, etc. (Educators get sick to their stomachs in June for some of their kiddos for the same reason.) NYCSD lost 68 teachers/staff/lunch ladies/bus drivers/principals as a result because they died in March/April from COVID.

Some can’t bear the thought of homeschooling their own kids while delivering online instruction.

Some are worried they will bring COVID home to their own families – grandparents, immune-compromised kids, etc. They are praying for online instruction.

Some believe it’s a hoax and no worse than the flu. But they do know they get strep throat, colds, the flu 2-3 times a year because schools are cesspools of germs.

Bottom line: Teachers MUST be included in the conversation. Many teachers are feeling left out. This is not new. Only the wisest administrators/community leaders/politicians bring teachers to the table for education talks. And politicians (on both sides) typically bring in business people to decide on big issues – like state learning standards and testing. Lastly, teachers absolutely don’t make enough money for what their jobs require and compared to other professions that require the same higher education and licensure requirements.

From what I see and hear, most teachers have the safety and learning of their students on their minds and hearts.” 

homeschooling

Parents And Teachers Are Worried

Only days after I was seeking out answers on this topic, it really started to explode all over Facebook. Parents and teachers alike are worried and many are fearful for a myriad of reasons.

After reading through hundreds of other posts, this is what I’m seeing that parents are most concerned about:

  1. Kids getting sick, dying or spreading it to at-risk populations. 
  2. Schools not reopening at all; or on the flip side, that schools will open.
  3. The social and emotional health of our young kids because of social isolation, mask-wearing, lack of play and recess, being stuck in the same room all day, no bathroom breaks, not being able to see facial expressions, not being able to make new friends, and a break in connection between teacher and child. 
  4. Being able to survive at home because of feeling like in-person school is not an option.
  5. Disruption to schedules and routines.
  6. No real learning will take place or kids will continue to fall behind. 
  7. The teachers’ mental and physical health or that teachers will quit. 
  8. Kids being able to social distance and how that will be enforced.
  9. The chemicals they will use to clean and the carbon dioxide inhaled all day in a mask.  
  10. Special needs being met or educational issues with kids with IEP or 504 plans. 
  11. Parents’ own anxieties and fears about all the changes.
  12. Kids who rely on schools for their well-being.
.

The Scary Truth

The scary truth about sending kids back to school is the uncertainty. 

No one knows what is going to happen nor do we know the implications our decisions are going to have on our kids’ overall development or how it will affect our precious teachers.

kids is surprised

The plans and rules are constantly changing.

Every time an email comes through from the school, parents hold their breath to see what new restrictions or rules are being proposed. In-person school start dates in some states are already getting pushed back and some schools are planning on starting virtually then moving to in-person when they are given the permission to do so. 

There is no concrete plan nor can there be. This is not a situation where a one-size-fits-all approach will work. There is going to be trial and error and hopefully it’s not at the cost of our kids’ and teachers’ emotional and/or physical health. 

Another scary truth about sending kids back to school is that we don’t know what the residual effects of social isolation, mask wearing, increased level of anxiety, and abrupt changes are going to have. How are these changes going to affect the future? 

What Can Parents Do? 

I keep seeing concerns but not much about what we should be doing.

For a better insight into what we can do, I interviewed mental health experts with The Childhood Collective. Their online parenting site (and amazing Instagram feed) is run by two psychologists and a speech-language pathologist. I wanted to get their professional insight on…

What can we do to help our kids come out on the other side of this pandemic as resilient, gritty, and emotionally strong individuals?!

You will see I categorized the questions so you can scroll down and find the information that will be most helpful for you and your family. All the italicized questions are what I asked the experts at The Childhood Collective and the information provided is all written by them.

Lastly, I wasn’t planning on making a printable, but I just wanted to have something you could print, hold, and use to write down your feelings to help you overcome these challenging times as a parent who cares deeply about your children. I named it The Emergency Emotional Toolbox so you can have some very practical tools to use.

Download: If you need something to help you walk your child through this time, download The Emergency Emotional Toolbox. It’s a quick little worksheet that helps you get your feelings out and gives you reminders on how to be your child’s emotion coach.

emergency emotional toolbox for parents

Disclaimer: The responses provided are opinions of The Childhood Collective unless otherwise noted. The information provided is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any type of medical condition and is not intended as personalized medical or psychological advice. Any decision you make regarding you and your family’s health and medical treatments should be made with a qualified healthcare provider.

Communicating With Kids About Going Back to School and All of The Changes

How should parents talk to kids about all the upcoming changes? Are there phrases to avoid or does it depend on the child?

HOW To Communicate To Kids

Anytime we are sharing important information with children, we want to consider that what we are saying is just as important as how we are saying it. Children are amazingly in-tune with us… often more than we realize! 

If our stress, frustration, worry, or discomfort with the upcoming changes moves our conversations from factual to emotional, our children will respond accordingly. So, first and foremost, we must talk with our children about these changes when we are in an emotional state that allows us to convey the information in the most accurate way possible. 

This is not to say that we can’t acknowledge the challenges of the present situation (indeed, we must in order to validate their experiences and feelings!), but we must take care to ensure that our message isn’t lost in translation because of the way it is delivered. 

Yes, this is often easier said than done!

how to communicate to kids

What To Communicate to Kids

When it comes to the content of this conversation, keep it factual and developmentally appropriate. 

Help your child get a picture of what a typical day in the classroom or at home may look like, and supplement with developmentally-appropriate details about why it will look like this. Do your best to convey confidence and reassurance that the adults are doing their best to keep kids healthy and happy through these tough times.

Finally, once you’ve talked through these changes with your child, provide the space for questions.

Many times, what we anticipate will be an issue is not a concern for our child. Similarly, we may not anticipate certain questions or concerns that they have. Providing a space or “check-in time” regularly as the time approaches to return to school (whether physically or through distance learning), is just as important as your initial conversation.

Emotional Concerns

How do we help kids recover emotionally?

Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach

As the pandemic wears on, you’re not alone if you are seeing big emotions bubbling over in your child. The most important thing to keep in mind is that all feelings are allowed. 

One of the ways you can best support your child emotionally during these times is to be an emotion coach for them. This entails allowing all feelings (though not all behaviors are acceptable), labeling and validating the feelings you observe, listening to hear rather than respond, and providing a safe space for your child to problem-solve.

emotion coaching

To provide an example, you may be tempted to say something like, “I’ve already told you, you can’t see your friends! It’s not safe. I don’t want to keep repeating myself!” This statement shuts down the emotion. Your child may stop talking to you about it, but that doesn’t mean the underlying emotion goes away.

A more helpful, emotion coaching alternative would be, “You seem upset. It’s hard when you can’t see friends the same way you used to. I miss my friends, too. Even if we can’t see friends in person, I’m wondering if you have an idea about how we can make this all a little bit easier?” With this statement, you are labeling and validating their feelings. You are holding the same boundary (which, in this case, is not being able to see friends in person), but you are opening the door to problem-solving rather than shutting your child down.

Read Next: 5 Steps To Raise a Child With Emotional Intelligence

.

child is confident

Fostering Resilience

How do we help our kids become resilient during this time instead of emotionally damaged?

Emotion Coaching and Finding Passion-Igniting Activities

Emotion coaching, again, is a great way to foster resilience. It empowers children to manage their tough feelings and engage in helpful problem-solving. 

Another great way to foster resilience during this time is to find activities that excite and ignite your child’s passion. Time that used to be invested elsewhere (sports, carpools, outings, etc.) can now be poured into other things that build your child up. 

Encourage them to pick-up that hobby that has been on the back-burner or go “all-in” with something they already love. Doing something you love, and doing it well, is a great way to build resilience and protect emotional well-being.

Read Next: 7 Attributes Kids Need To Build Resilience & Overcome Challenges

finding children's interests and passions

Choosing the Best Schooling Option

What are some considerations to take when deciding to 1.) send kids to school 2.) keep them at home for homeschool 3.) do online distance learning?

Do What Will Work Best for You and Your Child

This is where I encourage parents with the… “You know your child best.”

The fact of the matter is that, right now, there is no perfect answer. There probably won’t ever be.

You must consider your child’s personality, temperament, skill level, etc. You must also consider your personality, interest level, and availability! This is a situation where it may actually be helpful to write down your options, consider the advantages and disadvantages of each, and proceed with confidence knowing there is no perfect answer.

Try to find a good enough answer based on your family’s circumstances.

Handling Change and Transition

How to help kids with constant change and transitions? How do we help kids with transition especially those who are neurodiverse and already may face more challenges?

Reframe, Hold Constant and Have Open Conversations

How does that saying go? Something like… “The only constant in life is change.”

I like to reframe all of these changes as an opportunity rather than a detriment.

Our kids are learning how to adapt and manage changes. Some will do this better than others, but we as parents have the capacity to help them weather this storm.

My first piece of advice would be to hold constant as much as possible. Have open conversations with your kids about how things are changing and that you’re here to help them. But also point out how much hasn’t changed.

Keep essential routines firm, like bedtime, mealtimes, and mornings together.

When change is inevitable, do your best to prepare your child by doing some pre-teaching. This may include talking about what to expect, talking through possible scenarios, and role-playing if your child needs that level of support. Oh, and can I circle back again to the importance of being an emotion coach? That, too, will help during times of inevitable change.

https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/i7w0n7

Benefits of Keeping Kids In School (If Schools Reopen)

What are the benefits of keeping kids in school even if there are going to be so many changes like mandatory mask-wearing, no specials, no recess, strict social distancing rules, etc? Or do you think it’s better for parents to homeschool if they have the means to do?

Attune To Your Child’s Needs

Again, this is very family specific.

At the time that I am writing this, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has actually urged for the goal of children returning to in-person schooling, citing the academic, social, and emotional well-being of children. EDITED: The AAP came out with a new statement urging for a safe return stating, “Public health agencies must make recommendations based on evidence, not politics.”

There are children that are greatly feeling the effects of social isolation, experiencing abuse in the home, and reporting increased symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation. These are all important things to consider when making the best decision for your family.

It’s hard to say what exactly the in-person school day will look like; these are very district-specific things. So, again, I urge families to stay as up-to-date as much as possible with their district’s plans in order to make a decision that sits well with their family.

.

Coping Skills For Kids

What are coping skills parents should be focusing on teaching their kids? Do you have resources for this?

Self-Calming and Relaxation Strategies

The importance of self-calming and relaxation strategies cannot be understated. These are some of the most overlooked life skills that come in handy on a daily basis.

We have a free Relaxation for Kids guide for families that provides different relaxation strategies for kids of all ages, including deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and guided imagery.

There are some great online resources for guided imagery and relaxation. A quick Google search for relaxation tools/apps will reveal tons of options! Some apps for kids include Calm, Smiling Minds, and Headspace.

I would also recommend that families talk with their kids about other helpful coping strategies, such as physical movement, mindfulness, and connecting with friends. Depending on your child’s age, you may even make a “menu” of coping skill options to help in stressful times and remind your child that there are tools at their fingertips.

Psssst: Check out Generation Mindful’s amazing tools! They have a game called Peacemakers that builds emotional IQ, a Time-In Toolkit, a plush toy collection called SnuggleBuddies, and an Online Positive Parenting class that all focus on teaching emotional health and coping skills to kids. Should we be concerned about kids not being able to see facial expressions? If so, what can parents do to help kids adapt or gain social skills?

calm down strategies blowing bubbles

Mask-Wearing Effects on Social-Emotional Health

What effects do you think mask-wearing will have on emotional health? Not being able to see facial expressions, be able to hear as well, etc?

Use Books or Other Tools and Practice

It’s really hard to predict how this will play out for our children.

However, keep in mind there are some countries with residents that regularly wear masks due to air quality (granted, not usually in the classroom).

Encourage your children to notice how people communicate what they are feeling outside of what their mouth does, including other facial cues, gestures, words spoken, and tone of voice.

If your child is in need of extra support, foster social and emotional understanding with books and educational shows. Make the experience interactive by making observations and asking questions (though be careful not to overdo it here!).

Make sure to allow time to practice wearing a mask before having to wear it at school all day. Your child will likely feel more confident and comfortable interacting with others in a mask if they have had time to adapt to it at home first.

anxiety and depression signs in kids

Signs of Anxiety or Depression

What are signs parents should look for that their child is experiencing too much stress or if it’s turning into anxiety or depression? When should a parent seek professional help?

What to Look For

I always encourage parents to err on the side of seeking help if they think their child may need extra support.

You may consider seeking professional help if you notice:

  • changes to your child’s sleeping or eating habits
  • your child seems more fearful
  • your child is more tearful or emotional; your child frequently complains of physical pain/symptoms with no clear cause
  • they express to you thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideation
  • they spend more time in isolation
  • they stop finding pleasure in things they once enjoyed.

Again, parents, you know your child best. If something seems “off” or you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it may be time to seek a professional opinion. Many psychologists, therapists, and counselors are offering telehealth services from the comfort of your own home. If you’re ready to take that next step, we have a blog with tips about finding the right counselor for your child.

Thank you to The Childhood Collective for these incredible tips!

Additional Concerns

Do you have any concerns that weren’t covered? Comment below and I’ll try to do a follow-up post to address those.

And don’t forget to download the Emergency Emotional Toolbox to write out your thoughts and feelings to help walk your children through this time.

emergency emotional toolbox

.

If have decided or are considering keeping your kids home for their education, check out 7 Practical Tips for Homeschooling and Working Full Time. Also included is a course that can really help working parents maintain sanity and emotional health for their whole family. It’s called  “Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.” Enter the PROMO code: THRIVE25 for 25% off! We are going to have to make changes to make it through this thing without detrimental emotional scars. Thank goodness we were created to be resilient (with the right tools)!

And if you’re looking for online educational resources, download my free Master Home Education Resources eBook. It’s loaded with over 200 resources!

Encourage More Parents!

As I mentioned this is a very popular topic as I see constant posts and comments about parents’ concerns and worries in regards to sending their kids back to school. As they should be!

These tips that The Childhood Collective have provided can really help a lot of people but will only be seen if you share. Share in parent groups you’re in, with your school groups, or any other social media channel. Thank you so much!!!

adriane signature

By 16 Comments

10 Ways To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Inside: Being silent does not raise children who value all people and races, instead it can encourage racism. Here are 10 ways to encourage parents to avoid raising racist kids.

Growing up with friends from different races and cultures, I was ignorant about thef adversity they had to face. It wasn’t until my first college English Writing class that my eyes opened a bit more.

One of the topics of discussion we had towards the beginning of the semester was on racism. The class was predominantly filled with white students. A (white) girl who raised her hand ignorantly said something along the lines of, “The first time I saw a black person, I didn’t know what to do.”

My face immediately felt hot with anger and my heart filled with sadness. I typically run away from controversy but at this moment, I was overcome with a feeling of wanting to jump over her desk and shake her. I couldn’t sit there listening to her ramble about how unsafe she felt although the person was just walking down the street.

I spoke up and asked, “What in the world do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What if I walked in here with a paper bag on my head and you couldn’t tell what my skin looked like? Would you be scared?”

avoid raising racist kids

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I was so confused.

It made absolutely no sense to me why one person would be judged so harshly only because of what they looked like or who their ancestors were.

I was confused but also so naive. And I was ignorant for not realizing what this country was founded on. My knowledge was only based on what I learned in school, which hasn’t been the whole truth, right? I was never shaken to the core with the truth.

Although I had these feelings of wanting to stand up for my fellow human beings of different races, I really didn’t know how to. I was taught to be kind to all people but not didn’t know a lot about racism or how to fight against it.

Now that I have children of my own and they are old enough to use their voices to make a difference, I am learning how to teach anti-racism and how to educate my children about what some of their friends have to face that they most likely never will. I don’t want to raise racist kids who inadvertently grow up with unintentional or intentional racist thoughts or actions.

We have also been focusing a lot on developing empathy. What it is, how to put ourselves in other’s shoes, and why it matters.

In our city where we are raising our kids, 84.2% of the population is white, almost 6% black, 3.5% other, 2.6% Asian, 3% more than one race, and less than 1% Native American. The surrounding cities’ demographics are also similar to ours.

So basically, we are raising white boys in a predominantly white area.

I have been cognizant about partaking in our city’s MLK Day Celebration and listening to black preachers and speakers talk about equality and the work of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Additionally, although I didn’t realize it the first time we went, I often take my boys to a barbershop where most of the barbers are black. Any time we have been, we are the only white people waiting and I’m usually the only female. But…

Is making an effort to be around people of color enough?

No! It’s not.

This is why I need to figure out what my role is in raising anti-racist kids. I need to stop only giving the message of, “love all people and kindness wins” as I have been doing.

I need to stop being afraid of not saying the right thing or offending someone for fighting too hard or not fighting hard enough.

I need to stop feeling like I can’t do anything because I am white.

I need to stop (unintentionally) being colorblind.

I need to stop being fearful of everyone’s opinion and instead, live out what I know to be true and love all people in addition to standing up and fighting for what is right.

What Does It Mean To Be An Anti-Racist?

In order to understand what an anti-racist is, let’s look at what the dictionary says a racist is.

A racist is “a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that one’s own racial group is superior or that a particular racial group is inferior to the others.” Racism is defined as “hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.”

Even though I claim to not be a racist, I have had thoughts of racism without even realizing it. My eyes fill with tears as I reread that sentence.

I have to work hard to uncover where those thoughts are coming from and refrain from letting them manifest into something bigger.

Culture is a huge culprit as well as media exposure and honestly, policies in this country. I didn’t even realize how much I make general assumptions instead of focusing on individual behavior. Worst yet, I’m modeling that for my children.

To be an anti-racist is much more than just saying, “I’m not a racist.”

I recently listened to Brene Brown’s interview with Dr. Ibram X. Kendi about his book, “How to Be An Antiracist.” Much of what they both talked about really resonated and opened my eyes to the difference of not being a racist and being an anti-racist. What I gathered is there is no in-between. No gray area. Either you are or you aren’t and it takes hard work to rise above and distinguish racist idealogy and thoughts.

To be anti-racist means to move beyond saying you’re not racist and instead adopting and acting on antiracist views and beliefs. Kendi says, “What an anti-racist does first and foremost is identify racial inequities.”

Lastly, to be an anti-racist means that you need to let go of any racist thoughts and take action.

How To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Before I get into the resources that will help our family practice anti-racism and not only focus on not being racist, I want to mention that I am working on being as authentically real as my soul will allow with every word.

If I pose a question or seem ignorant, it’s because I am and I want to learn more.

My OCD causes me to digest as much information as possible, but in this instance, there is so much of “I don’t know what I don’t know“.

Please feel free to comment below this post and add whatever other information that will help me and other parents become more purposeful in how we teach our kids about racism.

If you are in the same boat and don’t even know where to start, here are 10 ways to avoid raising racist kids. Also included are ways to teach your kids about anti-racism to empower them to stand up for what’s right.

1. Educate Yourself

This is it!

We must start with US!

The work begins in us before we even open our mouths to speak to our kids. This goes for everything in parenting. Not only do we have nothing to give when our emotional cup is empty, but we also have nothing to give if we lack knowledge or wisdom.

For me, I first start by diving deep into God’s word and praying for my brothers and sisters.

Because of current events happening in our country around racial injustice, there is an abundant amount of resources helping parents navigate this topic.

Out of all the articles and videos I watched, the one that I found with the most valuable place to start is from Dr. Jazmine of the Mom Psychologist.

She strongly suggests that we parents put on our own oxygen masks first. She says, “We need to work on unlearning and relearning what we need to know because we cannot start this conversation about race until we have first started it with ourselves.”

In her video on How to Be a White Ally: How White Shame is Getting In the Way, she talks about sitting in the discomfort then using those emotions and feelings to take action. Don’t allow the discomfort or shame of not doing something in the past keep you in that same place. Instead, rise up and do the work.

Being a highly sensitive and empathic person, this work is extra difficult for me. I can’t help but feel intense emotions as I digest the information. The tears don’t stop. But instead of allowing myself to flee from those uncomfortable feelings, I’m making a conscious decision to be gloriously ruined so I can grow through the pain.

Also, remember to give yourself time. Unpacking your mental model of what race is and what you do about racism took years to develop so it may take years to unravel enough to do something about it.

This is an on-going process. Never stop learning.

Here are some people and resources that have been helpful for me so far on my journey to be an antiracist:

important conversations with kids

2. Talk About Race and Racism

Start early and do it often.

Having “the talk” one time about difficult topics isn’t effective. Only one conversation negates the importance or makes it seem taboo.

Many white parents neglect to talk about race. The reason is that they probably don’t even think about it or they don’t find it necessary.

Look around. It’s a conversation that can not be nor should be avoided.

How To Talk About Racism to Kids

When talking to your kids about race, be direct and specific. Point out differences in a positive light. Celebrate the differences of others that you see when reading books, while out in public, at school, or even watching a show.

Parents Magazine has a great age-by-age guide that walks you through how to talk to kids about racism starting very young.

  • Ages 0-6: Expose your child to other races and cultures. If you don’t live in a diverse area, study other cultures together. If a need for conversation around racism or bigotry arises, do it but in a developmentally appropriate way by labeling emotions and giving basic facts. Remember silence is worse than saying too much.
  • Ages 6-8: Conversations around racism may be a little easier at this age. Give your child the space to ask questions and express their curiosity. It is suggested that you use simple language, are honest and don’t over do it.
  • Ages 9-11: Don’t allow kids to hear about scary events from TV or the internet. Instead, be the person that informs them what is going on. When discussing racism with this age group, keep the language neutral.
  • Teens: Say something if you observe your teenagers engaging in racist thoughts or acts. Be cautious to keep the conversation open and help your teen think about concepts he or she has never thought about before.

Go with your gut and attune to where your child is in his or her understanding. The main point is to speak up instead of stay silent.

3. Read Books Together

As soon as I realized that I needed to step up my game in raising anti-racist kids, I logged onto the city’s library portal to request some books so we can start reading together.

I also added Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning to my Amazon cart since there were so many pending requests from the library.

We have some others from this list we are wanting to add to our bookshelf as well.

teaching kids empathy through books

4. Teach Your Child How to Listen

Being a good listener is stinking hard. We are wired to voice our opinions, maybe offer help and be heard. Listening takes more work.

The best way to teach our kids to listen well is to be a good listener ourselves. Use eye contact, positive body language, and be fully present. Then point out those traits of being a good listener when trying to understand other people.

Have discussions around how much can be learned simply from listening without making judgments. Wyoming Early Childhood Network has a great infographic that teaches kids how to become good listeners.

5. Support People of Color and Other Races

Buy books from authors of all races, watch movies with diverse casts and/or directed by people of color, listen to music from other cultures, and attend plays or concerts with diverse casts or artists.

>> Looking for books to read with your kids or encourage them to read? Check out these lists of books I curated on parenting and teaching kids about diversity and race on Bookshop.

6. Diversify Your Friend Group

If you live in an area like we do, this is harder to do. It would be akward and rude to go searching specifically for moms of different races simply because of the color of their skin. However, don’t just stick to your bubble. Join mom or parent groups, get involved in your child’s school, or get your child involved in sports so they can meet new people.

In addition to diversifying your friend group, speak up in your current circle of influence. I’ll keep saying this, but silence reinforces racism.

7. Guide Your Children’s Curiosity About Race

Psychological research has discovered that kids as young as three-years-old start assigning meaning to race and other people’s color of skin.

There are a few reasons for this.

First, they engage in essentialist reasoning which is when they begin to categorize people.

They also notice class-race-patterns.

Last, children (and people of all ages) experience biases that cause them to navigate towards people who look and act like them. This ingroup bias can start as young as three. Another bias called “high-status bias” starts to develop around age four or five, which is when they show preferences for people who are of higher-status groups.

Having this understanding, we need to guide our kids’ experiences with people from other social groups, races, and cultures by teaching them to celebrate similarities AND differences.

When your child asks you an honest question about the color of their friend’s skin or texture of their hair because it’s different than his or her’s, don’t shut down the conversation. Instead, use your child’s curiosity to teach and ask questions that engage him or her into a deeper conversation.

Figure out what’s underneath the surface of the question or spark of curiosity. Ask yourself,

  • “What is my child noticing about race?”
  • “What is making him or her think in that way?”
  • “What are they really saying or asking?”
  • “What did they mean by that?”
  • “Where did they hear that?”
  • You can also ask your child to explain what they mean and see if they have the words to express their thoughts. You may be surprised.

While writing this, my eight-year-old was asking why I was reading so many articles and watching many videos. He was truly shocked that people would be treated differently because of the color of their skin. He also had a ton of questions about where the color comes from and if he could become black because he prefers that skin tone. So we started by looking up diagrams of skin to learn about melanin. Just with those two questions, we were able to unveil what racism is, how to spot it, and what to do about it. I was able to take his curiosity and guide him to learn more in an unbiased way.

empower change

8. Make Visual and Tactile Connections That Empower Change

A brain is an association machine. This is why stories and analogies resonate better with people than straight-up facts. Find ways to visually demonstrate what racism does and why it’s important to fight against it.

One visual I came across was to have kids unravel a ball of yarn to create a tangled spider web. Once they are finished, the kids untangle the web. This visual illustration is then used to explain how much harder it is to untangle a web than it is to make which is very similar to how much harder it is to fix the unfairness that has been in this country for so long.

9. Teach Empathy

Empathy, empathy, empathy.

Empathy is declining in youth today making it even more important that we take the time to teach it.

Many well-intended parents talk about racial inequity as if people like Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and other civil rights activists fixed it, making everything right again. Racial inequity is sometimes talked about as if it only happened in the past. Although things are different today, racism still exists. Biases are still embedded in our culture. Racist policies still exist and people are still not treated equally or as if their culture matters. We must keep all of this in mind as we teach empathy, self-awareness and gratitude.

Ask your kids what they think it would be like to be judged for how they look. Point out how others are feeling based on what they say and the expressions on their faces.

We love the podcast, Imagine Neighborhood. It’s written specifically for kids to help them grow their social-emotional skills. I often reference some of their episodes when discussing empathy to help my kids understand better.

Subscribe For Your Free Gratitude & Empathy Toolkit

* indicates required

10. Advocate & Take Action

We often tell our kids we are all equal, but stop the conversation there. Instead, we need to model and show how to be an advocate. Take a stand against racism. our children have the power to be agents of change for all cultures.

On NBC’s Parent Toolkit, the author states, “An important part of being an advocate is not just saying people are equal, but acting in a way that reflects that thinking.”

Here are some practical ways you can be an advocate and in turn, teach your children how to advocate and take action:

celebrate differences

Join Me In Raising Anti-Racist Kids

My eyes have been opened so much wider as I devoured everything I read and saw in researching for this post.

We can’t stay silent.

Instead, we need to talk and talk often to our kids about fighting for what’s right. Saying, “everyone should be equal or love all people,” is no longer enough. If a fire has been lit in your heart like mine, I encourage you to share this post or comment on your thoughts below.

adriane signature

By 41 Comments

How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.

My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage. 

Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane. I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”

As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven year old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on. 

It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped. 

Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad. 

How did we get here? 

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Rupture and Repair

When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture. 

A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you had to enforce.

Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken. 

We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage. 

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair. 

conflict with kids

If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.

Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life. 

Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.

This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.

The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy to your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime. 

This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope. 

Read Next: 11 Ways to Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!

1. Calm Down

Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray and breathe. 

Stop what you are doing. 

Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment. 

And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”

Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick. 

mantras for moms and parents

Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus through using your senses. 

There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too! 

Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate. 

I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!

Related: 5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos

mindfulness for moms

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and 

repair, repair, repair!!

When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst. 

As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need. 

If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids. 

Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment. 

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful. 

He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”  

Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.

parent child relationship after conflict

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle towards healthy emotional and cognitive development. 

Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think. 

I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache. 

After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy. 

For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine! 

learning social emotional intelligence through play

On The Laundry Room Floor

The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is because I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress. 

As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants and shirts.  

I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me, and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.

Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time. 

With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.” 

He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”

By 30 Comments

How To Define and Discover Your Family Values

In this post, you’ll discover why family values are so important and how to create a list of your own so you can be reminded of them daily.

Last night my boys decided they wanted to play a game. When they asked, “Do you want to play?” My first thought was, “Heck no! I have so much to do. With your new school schedule, I am having a tough time getting anything started or finished.”

But instead, I responded with, “Sure! Let’s go in the kitchen so my butt doesn’t hurt from sitting on the floor.”

We started to play a strategy game. Quickly after we started, emotions heightened so one of my sons decided to leave before it got ugly. He came back with a different game where we could work together instead of against each other.

As we were setting the second game up, my husband walked in. The boys asked if he wanted to play and he started with his usual answer of, “I need to get this, this and this done.” With a flash of some puppy dog eyes, he pulled up a seat next to me.

We played by supporting each other to use all of our pieces on each turn. There was no arguing, competitive remarks or upset kiddos. Instead, there was laughter and teamwork. It was really a beautiful moment that lasted maybe twenty minutes, but we’re still feeling the effects of it even today.

defining family values

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Defining Your Family Values

When I revisited this experience, I couldn’t help but see our family values sprinkled all through our time together. I then started to think about the impact of having strong values and began to research the benefits.

I discovered a quote about writing values down from Stanford Psychologist, Kelly McGonigal’s book, The Upside of Stress,

“It turns out that writing about your values is one of the most effective psychological interventions ever studied. In the short term, writing about personal values makes people feel more powerful, in control, proud, and strong. It also makes them feel more loving, connected, and empathetic toward others. It increases pain tolerance, enhances self-control, and reduces unhelpful rumination after a stressful experience.”

She was referring to personal core values, but I think this can be applied to family values as well. Our core values do are influenced by what our parents believe whether we adopt their values or go in the complete opposite direction.

Writing down what you believe in and value in life can help your kids be on the same page as you and give them a guide for the choices and decisions they make.

In a study that explored key questions around what role the family plays in children’s personal identity, they found that only 3/10 families actually wrote down their family values.

So let’s change that!

Check out the steps below that will guide you in this process of discovering and recording your family values.

Download You Free Family Values List and Worksheet here!

writing down family values

How To Discover Your Family Values

“Families are the compass that guides you. They are the inspiration to reach great heights. and our comfort when we occasionally falter.” ~Brad Henry

Why is this? It’s because of the strong values that are embedded within a family. Ultimately, values are the glue that holds families together and a guiding light that affects decisions, choices, and actions.

There are multiple steps you can do to discover your family values. Then once you identify what they are, you can write down the values and hang them in a common area in your house.

Kids fighting? Refer to your values. Kids want to go somewhere you don’t approve? Refer to your values. Are your kids saying mean words? Refer to your family values. You just said something out of line to your husband? Refer to your family values on how to make a correction.

sibling fights

Kids want to go serve at the homeless shelter? You keep having a desire to check social media? Kids want to have friends over? I think you know the answer by now!

The 4 Steps to Discovering Family Values:

Because there’s a lot to comb through, you may want to do each step below on separate days.

Remember, this whole identifying your family values process can be ongoing as your family dynamics change and everyone grows older.

Step 1: Discuss at Your Family Meeting

Add family values to your family meeting agenda (get one for free here!) or schedule a special family time where discussing values is the sole topic.

Make sure EVERYONE even brand new talkers has the chance to voice his or her opinion. Here are some bullet points to discuss under the topic of family values:

family meetings

Ask yourselves these questions:

*These are adapted from Rachel at A Mother Far From Home:

  • What qualities do you value in other families, celebrities or friends?
  • How do you want everyone to feel when you all are at home?
  • How do you spend your time together and apart?
  • Are there character flaws in others that drive us bananas?
  • What do we find ourselves repeating over and over again? (Besides, “Get your shoes on!”)

Reflect on the values you and your partner grew up with.

If your family never went through this practice of discovering your family values, write down ideas and words that you feel like emanated your childhood.

For example, when I reflect on my child and teenhood, my family ate dinner together around the table every night so family time was a strong value. I had to call my dad from a payphone every location I went to after a football game so safety was another value. My husband’s family went on some really cool trips around the country so exploration, adventure, and family togetherness were some of their core values.

Think about the things you did and the advice your parents gave to you while you lived with them.

How do you spend your time together and apart?

Have everyone yell out what you do together as a family such as play games, go to sporting events, camp, hike, etc. Then, focus on what the kids are allowed to do on their own. What do you and your partner do when the family isn’t around?

live out your family values

Discuss major life decisions everyone has made.

Think back to big decisions you have made individually or as a family.

Recently, we let our kids make their own decision to switch schools that would be a better fit for their personalities and the way they learn. From that decision alone, we could see that our values are self-sufficiency, creative education and spontaneity.

Step 2: Write Out a Mission Statement or Manifesto

This doesn’t have to be difficult. So you don’t have to reinvent the wheel, I created a Pinterest Board with many examples and ideas. Find one you like and tweak it to fit your values. *Don’t forget to click on “follow” when you’re there!

In this free printable where you can write down your family values, there’s a space in the middle to include your mission statement!

Step 3: Point out Strengths and Weaknesses

Figure out what you do well as a family and other areas where you could improve. Make sure you’re pointing out more strengths than weaknesses.

Also, acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses that everyone displays; try to avoid only pointing out your kids’ flaws.

Pssst: I have a printable that helps you figure out and record your kids’ strengths. You can download here when you sign up or my newsletter!

living out family values

Step 4: Use a List of Values

The last step is to write down your values!

The easiest way to do this is to use a list as a reference. I created a free printable with lots and lots of values to choose from that you can download.

In the download, there is also a sheet where you can write down your values divided by categories. This helps you keep things a little balanced, if that is what floats your family’s boat, of course!

Family Values Categories

When looking at multiple lists of core and family values, I kept noticing that they fit into categories. This is probably a good place to start so this process of defining your family values isn’t so cumbersome.

family values list

Values can be broken down into these categories:

  • Spiritual, Faith, Morals and Ethics
  • Social – Friends and Family
  • Work and Play
  • Education
  • Time
  • Character
  • Financial
  • Health
  • Entertainment and Technology

Display Your Values For All To See

Once you have nailed down what your family values are, either type them up or write them down on the printable I made for you. We hang a lot of these types of things on our command center in our kitchen to have easy access and visibility.

Besides writing them down and looking at them, make sure you are living your values out daily. Refer to them often and allow them to shape your kids.

.
Family mission statement and family values printable

What Are Your Family Values?

Thinking back to last night when we were playing our game, I’m thankful that we value kindness, collaboration, cooperation, and love. All these things just make life a little sweeter.

Comment below and let me know what your values are. And if you wouldn’t mind share with your friends and family. Let’s all grow together!

adriane signature

By 50 Comments

To The Mom of “That Kid” Who Is Seen For His Behavior (Instead of His Character)

I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged and helpless. Since then, we let our son switch to a whole different kind of school that is made for kids who need to move, explore and create! This is for the momma out there who sees the heart behind the behavior and a few things I’ve learned!!

It started when my son was two. Many times I would arrive at daycare at the end of a long day of work to see the teacher’s concerned face.

I knew what was coming.

She would tell me all about the behaviors he displayed. That he didn’t follow directions. He moved too much. He couldn’t focus. The best was when a teacher said, “I don’t know what to do with your son. Time-outs work for all the other kids, but not for him.” 

The sweet teacher would explain that he sits in the corner of the room laughing instead of feeling bad about his actions. As soon as he came out of time-out, he would be worse than before. “We talk to him sternly, we clearly tell him what the consequence will be, but nothing works.”

Her words were very hard to swallow for the perfectionistic, rule-following mom that I am.

Therefore, this was my interpretation: “Hey lady, you have the bad kid.” 

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Then in PreK, the teacher would “discipline” AKA, punish him, by making him clean up after the whole class for knocking blocks down or not staying on the big round carpet. Or he would be scolded for folding paper and creating crazy creations instead of coloring inside the lines. 

I know now that he’s not an inside-the-lines kind of human. But yet, that’s what he’s been forced to do his whole school life. 

In Kindergarten, I often heard about his behavior and inability to follow instructions. Then that continued on through First Grade causing him to lose recess often. His teachers were always very nice when speaking to me, but the words would go straight to this momma’s heart.

The defensive thoughts would circle around inside my head like a violent tornado… 

I don’t know how I can help from home when I’m not there. We work hard to model good behavior at home. He’s not exposed to bad language, images or anything of that nature. We talk to him. We pray with him. We go to church and love God. He knows how to make good choices. We eat family dinner together every single night. I can’t force him to sit still in school. I can’t shield him from every negative influence from outside of our home. He plays like one hour of video games A WEEK, never watches YouTube and we don’t even turn the TV on Monday through Friday. What else do they want me to do? 

Thankfully, he had teachers in both Second and Third who started to peel back the layers and saw our son for his strengths first. But still, the school environment was challenging for him.

I felt like my husband and I were doing everything we could to help our child, but yet, the emails, calls, and principal visits continued to happen. 

What else was there to do? 

(In retrospect, it really wasn’t that often nor were the “offenses” ever that bad. It just felt bad.)

the mom of that kid

Then Something Happened…

Before I knew anything about the developing brain and only went by how society, in general, viewed behavior, I wasted a ton of air correcting and telling my child how he “should” act. I also wasted a ton of stickers, gummy bears and reward charts. 

I never once asked, “Why is he acting this way?” 

Or… 

“How Can I Help?” 

Then I came across a podcast, Tilt Parenting, hosted by who has become one of my favorite humans on this planet (although I’ve never met her)! Every episode had a psychologist, teacher, advocate, doctor or mental health professional explaining concepts in ways that completely shifted or what the host calls tilted the way I thought.

Most of the time, I would listen to or read the books mentioned. With every bite of research and information I chewed off, a reframe began.

This, in turn, changed the way I viewed my child.

More importantly, it changed the way I treated my son. 

advocacy for behavior

During the same timeframe, while scrolling through Instagram, a photographer I followed suggested reading “The Whole-Brain Child”.

I couldn’t get through it fast enough before moving onto “No-Drama Discipline”, both by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. And I’m currently reading their new book, “The Power of Showing Up.”

It was the first time I removed all of my preconceptions of how a child should behave and all the other “shoulds” I was exposed to by society growing up. Instead, I realized what was actually going on underneath the surface and in my son’s brain, mind and body. Also, I gained awareness of my own brain, mind and body.

That’s when a paradigm shift happened.

My son began to change as well. Not necessarily the surface behaviors in school, but in how he trusted us, how safe he felt, how he treated others and how he viewed the world. 

We saw his strengths first instead of his weaknesses.

It felt like when Mary pulls back all the vines to discover the door to the Secret Garden. We spent years pulling those vines down and what was behind the wooden gate was beautiful. A precious little boy with a kind and compassionate heart.

mom son bond

Here is a quick rundown of what caused this change in thinking:

Related: Why Praise Doesn’t Work To Motivate Kids And What We Can Do Instead

Any time I would slip up and divert to my stern voice, I would be reciprocated with what I used to think was attitude and disrespect. Now I know, it’s the way he handles stress.

Instead of focusing on correction and correction and correcting more with little results, we became more intentional in connecting first which has built a very strong relationship.  Having a strong relationship with my child matters for his psychological, emotional and physical well-being. And for mine too.

I know we’re only hitting the very beginning stages of the adolescent years and his brain is getting ready to go through some serious changes, but I’m armed and ready with the knowledge that will hopefully continue to shape the way we parent. 

champion your child

To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things: 

I see you. I understand. I feel you.

I know how your chest and hands feel when you see the school’s number pop up on your phone during school hours, even if it’s because a teacher wants to tell you something positive.

I know what it’s like to see your child’s heart and know she wants to do well, but yet, it not feel like that when she is in someone else’s care.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the one misbehaving and that sinking emotion of feeling like you are the one being sent to the principal’s office. 

 I know what it’s like when people think you’re “that crazy mom who thinks her child could do no wrong”. (Which by the way, I do NOT because believe me, I get frustrated and experience the behaviors, too, I just see the behaviors in a different light. One that is more helpful).  

I know what it feels like to worry that if your child is treated (intentionally or unintentionally) like a bad kid that he or she will become a bad kid. 

I know what it’s like to feel sad when your child keeps getting in trouble. 

I know what it’s like to want the best for your child. 

I know what it’s like to think the teachers think you’re making excuses for your child because “he’s smart” and is “perfectly capable” of behaving better if he wanted to. (I have no idea if this is the truth, but this is the narrative I tell myself. And if they do think those thoughts, that’s great, but not the truth). 

I know that in order for your child to learn, he needs to fail and make mistakes. And I know it can make you feel like a crappy parent. 

I know what it feels like to allow mom guilt eat away at you.

I know what it feels like to be verbally attacked because your child is misunderstood.

I know what it’s like to sit in the car and ugly cry while feeling hopeless. 

But I also know what it’s like to champion your kid despite what others feel and see. I know that in order to advocate you need to walk the fine line of empowering and enabling. I know what it’s like to see the incredible compassionate kind heart underneath the surface and to see the resiliency forming and the grit emerging.

And that one day, your child will change the world if he or she sees himself through the same lens you and your husband do. 

advocate for your child

The Truth

My son will probably never color inside the lines and that is more than okay.

He has been fearfully, wonderfully, uniquely… and exceptionally made. Through his spirit, he has taught many people, I included, more than I could ever imagine about creativity, innovation, curiosity, humor, perspective and what it’s like to take risks.  

He is more than his behavior.

Parenting isn’t easy, but with the right mindset and knowledge, we can push through what looks like a pile of weeds, vines and bushes and find the beauty within.

By 40 Comments

7 Attributes Kids Need to Build Resilience & Overcome Challenges

As parents, we spend so much time teaching manners, correcting behavior, providing ways to make our kids happy, maybe complaining about their behaviors and doing all the things, but why?! If you are like me and strive to raise good humans who can overcome challenges, love others and be interdependent, the absolute best way to do this is by helping our kids build resilience.

build resilience and overcome challenges

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Think of how you build a 1000 piece puzzle.

The first thing you do is find the corner and flat edge pieces to build the outer edges. The border represents the safe boundaries and limitations we need to set for our kids to live inside.

The next step is to look at the box as a reference as you sort the same colored pieces. The picture on the box is the map we give to our kids – the tools, skills, and ideas of how to live a fulfilling life.

Lastly, are the rest of the pieces. These bad boys belong to our children to move around eventually connect. The act of picking up the pieces, figuring out how they fit together, learning how to overcome challenges, making bold decisions all within the boundaries we set for them is how they develop resilience.

I did not make this analogy up but rather, recently heard it from Dr. Ken Ginsburg, Director of Programs at Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

It perfectly illustrates our role as parents that’s easy to remember so we can keep ourselves in check. We need to make sure the border isn’t missing any pieces and that we are allowing our kids to put the rest of the puzzle together regardless of how hard of a challenge.

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how kids build resilience and why it’s important especially in parenting, I want to break down how stress affects the brain.

understanding resilience in kids

When a person faces a challenge, adversity or experiences something hard, the brain interprets that as stress. All of the alerts and signals go out through neurotransmitters and biochemicals to prepare the body to be better, stronger, and more capable. However, this process is intended to be very short term.

If the brain continues to release those biochemicals including cortisol and adrenaline, the immune and other systems in the body and brain begin to weaken. This is why when we are under a ton of stress, we often get sick or get a massive headache that won’t go away. That’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay, we need to gain control here!”

What also happens is that the prefrontal cortex, also known as the command center or thinker part of the brain, essentially turns off. That’s not a good thing because this is the part of the brain that needs to be activated in order to make rational decisions, organize thoughts and actions, think creatively and regulate emotions.

The prefrontal cortex brings calm to the chaos.

When a child (who will later become an adult) can develop resilience, this means that he or she is able to overcome challenges, recover from stress and turn his or her prefrontal cortex back on quicker and more efficiently.

It’s pretty stinking cool!

Because the more that this happens, the stronger those neural pathways become, resulting in our kids being able to adapt to, recover from and resolve conflict, failure or other forms of stress. Boo yah!

What Is Resilience?

Children need to be able to cope with change and overcome challenges.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard situations, manage stress, solve problems and recover from failure.

In today’s society, it seems to be very common for parents to bubble wrap their kids by over-protecting, over-involving themselves and doing way too much. I say, parents, which includes me! There’s no shame in that! I think the reason stems from an enormous amount of love mixed with social conformity and a need for control.

However (you knew that was coming, right?!), what this bubble wrap is doing is keeping our kids’ brains from being able to manage stress, overcome challenges and make their own choices.

Most parents would say that they want their kids to be happy. I often hear moms saying they want to give their kids “the world”. The absolute best way to do this is to help them develop resilience! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

Typically if a child develops resiliency, he or she will grow up as an adult who is ABLE to handle stress, challenges, failures and whatever other lemons are thrown at them. Or is it lemons that are given to them?! Anyhoo, when children are able to develop the ability to be resilient, research has shown that they are able to make braver choices, be curious and creative, and most importantly, create a bigger wave of positivity in this world.

According to The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, kids who build resilience develop more positive relationships, healthy brain development, and better self-regulation skills.

Instead of focusing on the specific strategies and things you can do to teach kids resilience, I wanted to unpack the attributes Dr. Ken Ginsburg calls the 7 Essential C’s of Building Resilience.

Resilience in kids

1. Competence

All humans have a need to feel competent.

Innately, children want to not only know how to do something but also experience it for themselves. In The Self-Driven Child, the authors call competence an internal barometer of accomplishment.

Competence is more than just kids believing in their own abilities, but rather, actually taking action and living out those abilities.

For some reason, a lot of parents often lean towards doing most tasks for their kids. This may be because they fear failure, they think this is what a parent’s role is or because it’s quicker, easier and faster. However, when this happens, parents are stripping away their children’s ability to be able to handle situations on their own and gain a sense of accomplishment.

A great way to help kids become competent is to focus on their strengths instead of deficits in everything they do include the choices they make, behaviors they display, the way they solve problems and how they treat others.

2. Confidence

When kids feel competent…drum roll, please…confidence develops.

According to Fostering Resilience, “Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special or precious. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges.”

This kind of confidence comes from kids knowing that they have an adult really believing in them. And this isn’t the adult saying, “Good job” until he or she is blue in the face. Instead, it’s when parents encourage their children to work harder and are there to talk with and walk through challenges.

Bonus! Sign up for my newsletter and receive free strength-based printables with phrases that encourage kids through effort-based praise instead of empty praise AND a worksheet that helps you figure out your child’s strengths so you can build upon them.

overcoming challenges through mother son connection

3. Connection

If you’ve been around me in person or online, you know that I whole-heartedly believe in the power of connection. If our kids feel connected to us first, everything else falls in line and parenting doesn’t have to feel so stinking hard.

If kids feel like they are seen, safe and heard, they are more likely to make better choices, be creative and take risks.

Connections made with not only parents but also community members, friends, extended family, teachers, and coaches show kids that they really matter. That life is worth living.

Then, a sense of security is created that later becomes prevention to more harmful or destructive choices in life for a myriad of reasons.

Read Next: Quality Time: The Best Way to Stop Unwanted Behavior

character building

4. Character

Kids need to understand and gain a sense of what is right and wrong. Regardless of what your individual family’s values are, it’s important that your kids know them and more importantly, see you living those values out.

Although your kids’ beliefs may change, being part of a family that has a strong sense of who they are is powerful. It provides the backbone for his or her character. A great time to reiterate your beliefs and values is during family meetings.

How your kids act when you’re not around is a good indicator of their character. If the way they behave away from you doesn’t fall in line with what your family’s values, take some time to do character building.

One of my favorite ways we have done this is by teaching our kids how to have a strong sense of gratitude. Sometimes they still appear as if they are ungrateful children, but for the most part, they are thankful for all the blessings in their lives.

Subscribe to Receive Your Free Gratitude Toolkit for Kids

* indicates required

5. Contribution

Something magical happens when children realize the world is a better place because they are part of it!

Take a look at how most schools motivate kids. They resort to physical rewards like stickers, treasure box items, and other empty verbal praise. But the research shows that these extrinsic motivators actually can demotivate kids because once they’re gone, there is no reason to keep engaging in that behavior. Also, some kids may feel like they will never receive those rewards so they don’t bother trying. We have seen that time and time again with our boys.

Instead, the focus should be getting kids to intrinsically motivate themselves from the inside out. When a child begins to understand the importance of personal contribution, he or she can truly find their purpose. And when anyone has a sense of purpose, motivation to do better comes naturally and is there to stay.

Lastly, contribution isn’t just about giving but also helping kids to learn how to be good receivers as well.

build resilience in kids by giving them life skills

6. Coping Skills

All people need to learn how to effectively cope with and work through stress. If not, it becomes too much for the body and brain. This is why emotion coaching is so important. Kids need to know it’s healthy to express emotions but then know how to manage those emotions.

Coping skills include the choices that someone makes to overcome challenges. Do they resort to negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to bandaid their feelings or do they have another way to work through those problems?

This is such a gift all parents can give their kids. Not all things work out the way we want them to so we need to have a Plan B, C, and sometimes even D!

7. Control

I see this as a culprit for contention in parent-child relationships all the time!

Every human is born with a sense of needing to have control over their own lives. However, a lot of parents misinterpret their role of being responsible for their kids. They feel the need to fully control their kid’s choices, behaviors, and actions.

When children have control over their own lives, they know that when a challenge arises, they have the power to bounce back. Powerful, right?

Ginsburg says, “A young person who feels ‘everything always happens to me’ tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. He sees control as external—whatever he does really doesn’t matter because he has no control of the outcome.” [source]

When we look at it that way, it makes handing over the reigns to our kids a little easier. Again, as long as we still have the boundaries and limitations in place to protect their choices and guide them in the way they should go.

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

In order for our children to build resilience, we must be intentional. Instead of jumping to reactive mode, take time to connect with your child first and let them know you believe in them. Support the decisions your kids make and give them the opportunity to build their masterpiece puzzle within the flat edge pieces you build around them.

The more they work on all of these skills, the easier it will be for them to pick themselves up every time they get knocked down.

adriane signature


The Secret to Building Your Child’s Strengths While Decreasing Weaknesses

“Mom! Look, I’m using my perseverance strength!” is what I recently heard my eight-year-old excitedly yell to me as he picked himself up continuing to follow the dirt path. He had just fallen down a huge cinder cone we were exploring while hiking in Northern Arizona. He even needed a bandaid on his bottom because […]

©2018-2020

The information on this website has not been evaluated by the FDA and is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any disease.

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.