Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.
My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage.
Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane. I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”
As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven year old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on.
It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped.
Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad.
How did we get here?
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Rupture and Repair
When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture.
A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you had to enforce.
Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken.
We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair.
If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.
Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life.
Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.
This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.
The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy to your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime.
This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope.
Read Next: 11 Ways to Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship
How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child
What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!
1. Calm Down
Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray and breathe.
Stop what you are doing.
Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment.
And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”
Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick.
Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus through using your senses.
There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too!
Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate.
I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!
Related: 5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos
2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture
Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and
repair, repair, repair!!
When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst.
As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need.
If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids.
Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment.
Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior
Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful.
He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”
Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.
3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings
The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle towards healthy emotional and cognitive development.
Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think.
I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache.
After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy.
For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine!
On The Laundry Room Floor
The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is because I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress.
As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants and shirts.
I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me, and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.
Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time.
With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.”
He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”
Hello!!! I’m Adriane. I’m a mom to three loud boys, am a research-a-holic and very passionate person who writes at Raising Kids With Purpose. Parenting can feel so hard sometimes but with mindset shifts and understanding, it can be very enjoyable. My hope is to inspire parents like you to create lifelong connections with your children and enjoy the journey along the way!
