February 14, 2025 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) Leave a Comment

5 Easy Strategies for Parenting Kids with Behavior Problems

Parenting a child with behavior problems can feel overwhelming, exhausting, and frustrating.

No matter how many books you read or strategies you try, it can seem like nothing works, leaving you wondering, What am I doing wrong?

I know this feeling!

Easy Strategies for parenting kids with behavior problems Pinterest pin

Growing up, I was the kind of kid who followed all the rules to a fault. I worked incredibly hard to be “good” because I never wanted to get in trouble. Having “perfect” behavior was my safety net, even when it came at the expense of my own emotional and mental well-being. I’m sure my parents would attest I didn’t have “perfect” behavior but on the inside, that is what I was striving for!

I held myself to impossibly high standards, believing that behaving “perfectly” meant I was doing life right.

Then, I became a mom.

When my first child turned two, he started to show signs of behavior challenges. What?! What do you mean I had a child who wanted nothing to do with the rules?

I was completely at a loss because this was brand new territory for me. He was incredibly active, struggled to follow instructions, and often got physical with other kids. At preschool, his teachers put him in timeout, but he would just laugh. No one knew what to do with his big behaviors and emotions.

As he got older and entered school, his behavior problems escalated. What had been small struggles at home became bigger challenges in the classroom.

Watching him struggle in ways I never did was very hard for me. I couldn’t understand why the traditional discipline strategies failed him. I felt lost and I couldn’t find any resources to help me.

If you’re reading this and nodding along, feeling like you’ve tried everything and nothing is helping, I want to let you know you’re not alone. I hear from parents all the time about their kids who have behavior challenges.

parents emailing Raising Kids With Purpose for help

Punishments and rewards are the only tactics they know how to use (or that the school knows how to use) and it isn’t what a child with behavior challenges needs.

The truth is, behavior problems aren’t just about discipline.

There are deeper reasons why kids “act out”, or “misbehave” and many of the methods we’ve been taught to manage behavior actually make things worse.

This post will guide you through:

Why behavior problems happen (and what’s really going on under the surface).
Why traditional discipline doesn’t work for every child (especially strong-willed or neurodivergent kids).
Practical strategies you can start using today to bring more peace to your home.

Understanding Behavior Problems in Kids

Behavior problems in kids can be one of the most frustrating challenges you may face as a parent simply because you’re not equipped with the knowledge about what to do. And teachers are still being educated to use behavioristic and behavior management strategies in the traditional classroom.

Whether it’s constant defiance, emotional outbursts, aggression, or hyperactivity, these behaviors can leave parents feeling exhausted and unsure of what to do next.

Here’s the reality: behavior challenges aren’t just kids being “bad”; these challenges or problems are actually a form of communication. Understanding why these behaviors happen is the first step toward helping your child thrive.

Let’s dive into what behavior problems look like and how to address them effectively.

If you have a hyperactive kid, you can download my Hyperactive Kid Toolkit by signing up here!

hyperactive toolkit for kids with high energy or ADHD

What Are Behavior Problems?

Behavior problems are any persistent or disruptive actions that make it difficult for a child to regulate their emotions, follow expectations, or interact appropriately with others.

These behavior challenges can show up at different ages in a variety of ways, often leaving parents feeling frustrated, confused, or even helpless.

It’s important to remember that all children exhibit challenging behaviors at some point. It’s part of being human. At least in our American culture, we have created unrealistic expectations for young kids. So many behaviors that people would consider “misbehavior” are part of normal development. People are born with all the emotions but no skills.

When behaviors become frequent, intense, or difficult to manage, they may indicate underlying emotional, developmental, or sensory struggles that need to be addressed with a different approach than traditional discipline.

Common Behavior Problems at Different Ages

Behavior problems can look very different depending on a child’s age, temperament, and environment. Here are some common behavior challenges you may see:

Toddlers & Preschoolers (Ages 2-5)

Frequent tantrums and meltdowns | These happen when things don’t go their way.
Defiance | Saying “no” to everything or absolutely refusing to listen to instructions.
Hitting, biting, or pushing | This is done when expressing frustration.
Hyperactivity | Constantly moving, struggling to stay focused.
Struggles with transitions | Behaviors such as leaving the playground, and getting dressed.

Elementary-Aged Kids (Ages 6-9)

Arguing or talking back | Often done when given instructions.
Difficulty managing emotions | Having big reactions to small problems.
Impulsivity | Blurting out in class, interrupting conversations.
Aggression toward peers or siblings | Hitting, yelling, name-calling.
Shutting down or withdrawing | This happens when faced with challenges.

big brother carrying little brother on his shoulders

Tweens & Teens (Ages 10-17)

Defiance and resistance to authority | Refusing to do homework, ignoring rules.
Emotional outbursts | Freaking out over what seem like small issues.
Risk-taking behaviors | Lying, sneaking out, experimenting with negative peer influences.
Avoidance or withdrawal | Can look like not engaging in family activities or isolating themselves in their room.
Low frustration tolerance | Giving up easily or having extreme reactions to setbacks.

Each of these behavior challenges has an underlying cause. Kids don’t misbehave just to be difficult…

Behavior is communication.

The key to improving behavior problems is understanding what’s beneath them, not just trying to fix the surface-level behavior. In the next section, we’ll explore why some traditional discipline methods don’t work—and what you can do instead.

Brain Development & Emotional Regulation

A child’s ability to manage their emotions and behaviors is directly linked to their brain development.

The part of the brain responsible for impulse control, problem-solving, and emotional regulation, the prefrontal cortex, doesn’t fully mature until early adulthood. This means that young children (and even teenagers) don’t yet have the biological ability to manage frustration, disappointment, or self-control the way adults do.

When a child is overwhelmed, their nervous system shifts into a stress response, making it difficult to listen, reason, or follow directions. This is why kids often act impulsively, throw tantrums, or seem “out of control”. This just means that their brain is signaling distress, and they lack the tools to regulate.

What This Means for Parents:

Instead of expecting a child to “just listen” or “calm down,” parents can help by:

Co-regulating by staying calm and offering support rather than reacting with frustration.
Teaching coping skills with breathing exercises, movement, or sensory tools to help them reset.
Setting realistic expectations—understanding that self-regulation is a learned skill, not an instant ability.

I have a great resource that you can download for free to help kids learn calming and regulation tools. You can grab that here. And at the bottom of this post, you’ll find a Calm Mom Toolkit that is specifically for parents!

Unmet Needs & Stress Responses

Children’s behavior problems often stem from unmet emotional, physical, or sensory needs. When these needs go unaddressed, kids may act out as a way of signaling distress.

Common Triggers for Behavior Challenges:

Hunger, fatigue, or overstimulation (especially for young kids).
Struggles with transitions (leaving a fun activity, going to school, bedtime).
Emotional stress (feeling unheard, anxious, or disconnected from caregivers).
Sensory sensitivities (loud noises, itchy clothing, bright lights).
Unrealistic demands (expecting a child to sit still for long periods or behave perfectly in overwhelming environments).

When kids experience sensory overload or emotional distress, their brains shift into fight, flight, or freeze mode, making them unable to respond calmly. Instead, they may lash out, refuse to cooperate, or completely shut down.

What This Means for Parents:

Instead of reacting to behavior with punishment, try to:

Identify the need: Is your child hungry? Tired? Overstimulated?
Provide proactive support: Create a routine that meets their emotional and sensory needs.
Help them express their feelings: Use words, visuals, or movement to help them communicate.

Parent-Child Dynamics: How Your Reaction Shapes Behavior

One of the most powerful influences on a child’s behavior is how a parent reacts in difficult moments. When a child is having a meltdown, defying rules, or showing aggression, parents often respond with frustration, threats, or punishment, which we now know can actually make the behavior worse.

Here’s why:

If a parent yells or punishes, the child may feel unsafe or misunderstood, leading to more defiance or shutting down.
If a parent dismisses the emotion (“stop crying, it’s not a big deal”), the child may struggle to develop healthy emotional regulation.
If a parent remains calm and supportive, the child learns how to regulate their own emotions through co-regulation.

Children mirror the nervous system state of their caregivers. If a parent is calm, patient, and responsive, a child will eventually learn to regulate themselves in the same way.

What This Means for Parents:

Pause before reacting: Take a deep breath before responding to a meltdown.
Acknowledge emotions: “I see you’re really upset. Let’s figure this out together.”
Model regulation: Show them how to calm down rather than demanding it

Behavior Problems Are a Signal, Not Just a “Bad Attitude”

When kids struggle with behavior problems, it’s not because they want to be difficult. It’s because they lack the skills, support, or regulation tools they need.

Instead of focusing only on consequences, parents can shift toward understanding what’s driving the behavior and helping their child develop the skills to manage challenges in healthier ways.

In the next section, we’ll explore why traditional discipline often makes behavior problems worse and what to do instead.

Why Traditional Discipline Often Makes Behavior Problems Worse

Many parents rely on traditional discipline methods like timeouts, yelling, and reward-based systems to manage behavior problems. These approaches often promise quick results, and sometimes they do seem to work…at least for a little while.

But what happens when a child keeps repeating the same behavior? What if the consequences don’t seem to matter? What if, instead of improving, the behavior actually gets bigger?

That was my reality.

When my son started struggling with behavior problems, I did everything I had been taught or told by the pediatrician:

I tried timeouts when he wasn’t listening.
I used a “kind by firm” tone when he ignored instructions.
I used sticker charts and reward systems to motivate him to behave.

Nothing worked the way I expected. If anything, his behaviors became more intense. Timeouts only made him laugh or get frustrated. Using a “mom voice” made his behaviors escalate or literally run away from me.

If I took a toy or privilege away, he didn’t seem to care.

It was like none of my strategies had any impact. The more I punished, the more disconnected we became. I found myself caught in an exhausting cycle of reacting to his behaviors instead of helping him learn how to manage them.

Why Punishment-Based Approaches Do NOT Work

Traditional discipline methods are often designed to stop unwanted behaviors immediately, but they rarely teach kids how to manage emotions, problem-solve, or build self-regulation skills.

Timeouts Can Increase Emotional Dysregulation

The idea behind a timeout is to give a child time to “calm down” and reflect on their actions. However, for many kids (especially those with big emotions) timeouts feel like rejection rather than a learning opportunity. Instead of calming down, many kids become more dysregulated, feel ashamed, or learn to suppress emotions rather than process them. They need YOU to process emotions.

Yelling and Harsh Consequences Trigger Fear, Not Learning

When a child is already struggling with behavior problems, yelling or threatening punishments can put them into a fight, flight, or freeze response.

This response shuts down their ability to listen, learn, or problem-solve, which means they are unlikely to take in any lesson you’re trying to teach. Over time, frequent yelling can make kids more reactive, anxious, or disconnected from their parents, damaging the parent-child relationship.

Rewards and Sticker Charts Can Backfire

Many parents use reward charts or behavior systems to encourage good behavior. While this can work in the short term, it teaches kids to behave for a prize, rather than developing internal motivation to make good choices. When the reward is gone, the behavior often reverts back because the child hasn’t actually learned self-regulation, they were just performing for a reward.

Short-Term Compliance vs. Long-Term Skill-Building

Traditional discipline focuses on controlling behavior in the moment, but it doesn’t teach children how to regulate themselves in the long run. When I was stuck in that cycle with my son, I was so focused on stopping the behavior that I wasn’t helping him understand it.

He needed guidance, not punishment.

He needed connection, not isolation.

Behavior problems are not about a lack of discipline. These challenges are about a lack of skills. When we shift our approach from punishment to coaching, we help our kids build the tools they need to handle their emotions, make better choices, and thrive.

In the next section, we’ll explore what works better than punishment-based discipline and how you can start using these strategies today.

5 Practical Strategies for Parenting Kids With Behavior Problems

Parenting a child with behavior problems is challenging, especially when their emotions escalate quickly, and you feel like you’re constantly reacting. The key to improving behavior isn’t about fixing your child, it’s about helping them build the skills they need to regulate.

And that starts with you.

1. Regulate Yourself Before Addressing Behavior

When your child is melting down, refusing to listen, or lashing out, it’s easy to react in the heat of the moment. Frustration builds, patience wears thin, and before you know it, you’re yelling, threatening, or sending them away. But here’s the truth: your emotional state directly impacts how your child responds.

Children, especially those who struggle with behavior problems, are deeply attuned to their parents’ emotions. When you’re frustrated, tense, or on edge, they pick up on it. If you meet their chaos with more chaos, their nervous system mirrors your reaction, making it even harder for them to calm down.

I used to think that my son’s behavior was the problem, but I slowly realized that my reactions (or lackof) were fueling the fire.

If I came into the situation stressed, impatient, or overwhelmed, his behavior only got harder to manage. But when I focused on regulating myself first, I noticed a shift. He was able to follow my lead or at least, calm down faster.

I created a Calm Mom Toolkit to give you some tools you can use to learn how to regulate. You can download it for free when you sign up for my newsletter!

2. Connection Over Correction

When a child is struggling with behavior, whether they’re screaming, refusing to listen, or melting down, our instinct as parents is often to correct the behavior first.

We want them to stop yelling, start listening, and behave appropriately. But if we focus on correction before connection, our efforts often backfire.

Kids don’t respond well to discipline when they feel misunderstood, unheard, or disconnected. Honestly, neither do I as an adlt. We all have an innate desire to feel those things.

Instead, they resist, push back harder, or shut down completely. This is because a dysregulated child’s brain is their stress response and in that state, they physically can’t process logic or reason.

You can try all you want though, ha!

The key to getting cooperation isn’t more discipline, it’s making your child feel seen and understood first. When children feel emotionally safe, their nervous system settles, making them more receptive to guidance.

mom teaching a kid with behavior problems self-awareness

How Validation Leads to Cooperation

Validating your child’s emotions doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior, but it does mean you acknowledge what they are feeling before addressing what they need to do differently. When children feel heard, their defenses lower, and they become more willing to work with you instead of against you.

For example, if your child is melting down because they don’t want to leave the playground, instead of immediately saying:

“Stop crying. We have to go now.”

Try validating their feelings first:
“I know leaving is really hard because you’re having so much fun. It’s okay to feel upset.”

Once you validate, then you can set the limit:
“We do have to go, but would you like to hop like a bunny to the car or race me there?”

And if play doesn’t work, it’s okay to pick them up and take them to the car but continue to validate their emotions (not behaviors).

This approach helps kids feel understood while still reinforcing boundaries.

Example Phrases to Use When a Child Is Escalating

Instead of: “Calm down.”
Try: “I see you’re feeling really upset right now. I’m here to help.”
Instead of: “Stop crying. It’s not a big deal.”
Try: “It looks like this is really frustrating for you. Want to talk about it?”
Instead of: “Do what I said right now.”
Try: “I know this is hard. Let’s take a deep breath and figure it out together.”
Instead of: “You’re fine.”
Try: “I can see you’re having a tough time. What do you need right now?”

When kids feel emotionally connected, they become more open to redirection and problem-solving. Connection isn’t about being permissive. It’s about laying the foundation so that discipline TEACHES the lagging skill.

mom teaching the hand model of the brain to son in Arizona backyard — *I’m teaching my son the hand model of the brain so he can have better control of his emotions when his “lid flips”.*

3. Teach Skills Instead of Reacting to Problems

When a child is struggling with behavior problems, it’s easy to focus on stopping the behavior in the moment. But if we only react, we miss the opportunity to teach them the skills they need to handle challenges better next time.

Instead of jumping to discipline, try using questions and declarative statements to help your child learn self-awareness and problem-solving.

Rather than saying,

“Stop hitting your brother!”, try:
“I see you’re upset.”

Then once the child is regulated, you can say something like, “What else can you do when you’re frustrated instead of hitting?”

Declarative statements like “That cup spilled; let’s clean it up together” teach responsibility without shame or blame.

Modeling your own emotional regulation is also key. If you want your child to stay calm when upset, they need to see you handling frustration in a healthy way. Instead of reacting with anger, try saying aloud, “I’m feeling really frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond”.

This teaches them how to regulate their emotions by example.

Children don’t just learn by being told what to do. They learn by watching and practicing with you. By teaching skills instead of reacting, you equip them with the tools they need to manage their emotions and behaviors more effectively.

4. Empower Your Child With Autonomy and Choices

Many behavior problems stem from children feeling powerless or out of control in their environment.

When kids feel like they have no say in what happens to them, they are more likely to resist, argue, or act out. One of the simplest ways to reduce power struggles and increase cooperation is to give your child choices within limits.

Why Giving Choices Works

Increases cooperation: When kids feel in control, they’re more likely to comply.
Reduces defiance: Instead of feeling forced, they feel empowered.
Teaches decision-making: Kids learn to think critically and take responsibility for their choices.
Supports emotional regulation: When they have some autonomy, their stress levels decrease.

How to Offer Choices Effectively

The key to offering choices is to frame them as statements rather than questions. While questions can still feel demanding to a child, declarative statements provide clear boundaries while allowing them to feel a sense of autonomy. This approach helps reduce resistance while still guiding them toward the expected behavior.

Instead of “Put your shoes on now!”, try:
“It’s time to put on your shoes. Sneakers and sandals are ready for you.”
Instead of “Eat your vegetables.”, try:
“Carrots and cucumbers are on your plate.”
Instead of “It’s time to leave the playground.”, try:
“We’re heading to the car now. Let’s walk like a robot or stomp like a dinosaur.”
Instead of “Do your homework now.”, try:
“Math and reading are waiting for you. I wonder which subject will be easier for you to start with today.”

These small shifts help kids feel empowered within structure, making them more likely to cooperate rather than push back. Instead of feeling like they are being forced into a demand, they feel supported in making a decision within clear limits.

In the next section, we’ll talk about why seeking support as a parent can make all the difference when dealing with behavior challenges.

5. Get Support: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone!

If you’ve tried timeouts, rewards, consequences, deep breaths, and nothing seems to work, you’re not alone. Parenting a child with behavior problems can feel isolating, but the truth is, many parents face these same struggles.

You don’t have to figure it out on your own.

Parent coaching provides the support, tools, and confidence you need to help your child thrive. Instead of cycling through frustration and exhaustion, coaching gives you a clear roadmap for understanding your child’s behavior and making lasting changes in your family.

How Parent Coaching Helps with Behavior Problems

Parent coaching is a personalized approach designed to help parents understand, support, and guide their children through behavioral challenges. Unlike therapy, coaching is action-driven, practical, and focused on family-wide change.

If traditional discipline methods haven’t worked for your child, coaching can help you:

Identify the root causes behind your child’s behavior, so you can stop reacting and start addressing the real issues.
Develop personalized strategies that actually work for your unique child, rather than relying on one-size-fits-all parenting advice.
Gain confidence as a parent by learning how to respond effectively instead of reacting emotionally.
Transform family dynamics so your home feels calmer, more connected, and less like a battleground.

What You’ll Learn in Parent Coaching

Through coaching, you’ll move from reactive parenting to responsive parenting, shifting from discipline that doesn’t work to strategies that create real, lasting change.

You’ll discover how to teach emotional regulation and problem-solving, so your child learns how to manage their behavior independently rather than relying on external rewards or punishments.

Many parents who join coaching feel like they’ve already tried everything. But once they start applying connection-based, brain-informed strategies, they finally see progress. They see more cooperation, fewer meltdowns, and a home that feels peaceful instead of chaotic.

If you’re ready to break free from the cycle of reacting to your child’s behavior and start guiding them toward real growth, parent coaching can help.

To learn more, check out my blog post: Parent Coaching: What to Do When Parenting Is Overwhelming.

For personalized guidance in your parenting, click here to schedule a Discovery Call with Adriane!

mom and son hugging in Marley Park, in Surprise, AZ

From Frustration to Connection: A Parenting Transformation

When my son started showing signs of behavior problems, I was completely unprepared. I had spent my childhood working so hard to follow the rules, to be “good,” to avoid trouble at all costs. So when my son struggled to listen, was hyperactive, and didn’t respond to traditional discipline, I felt lost.

I tried timeouts, more demands and coercive tactics, reward charts (in every type and color), and other behavior programs like 1-2-3 Magic and Positive Discipline. But I wasn’t getting the results those books told me I would get. They were a one-size-fits all approach versus attuning to the child in front of me.

The more I corrected, the more he resisted. The more I used rewards, the more disconnected we became. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to control his behavior and started trying to understand it that everything changed.

I learned that his behaviors weren’t problems to fix, but signals telling me he needed something different: more connection, better emotional regulation tools, and parenting strategies that worked with his brain, not against it.

And the transformation wasn’t just in him. I saw a big transformation in how I viewed our relationship and how I showed up.

When I stopped reacting and started regulating myself first, when I focused on connection over correction, and when I taught him skills instead of punishing mistakes, I saw real change. I saw fewer power struggles, more cooperation, and a child who felt safe enough to learn how to manage his emotions and behaviors in a healthy way.

You Are Not Alone

Parenting a child with behavior problems is hard, but you are not alone. You don’t have to rely on strategies that don’t work. You don’t have to keep cycling through frustration and exhaustion. Small, intentional shifts like regulating yourself before responding, offering choices, and prioritizing connection can lead to big, lasting changes in your child’s behavior and your home environment.

If you’re feeling stuck, I’d love to walk this journey with you. Through my 12-week parent coaching program, I help parents just like you move from reacting to behaviors to understanding and transforming them. You’ll get personalized tools, expert guidance, and support to create a home that feels calmer, more connected, and less like a daily battle.

If you’re ready to take the next step, join my email list for weekly parenting tools and exclusive discounts for my coaching program. Let’s work together to create a home where your child thrives and where you feel confident, equipped, and less exhausted. Book a Discovery Call when you’re ready!

January 30, 2025 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 42 Comments

What I Wish I Knew as a Mom To a Very High Energy Toddler

Originally published: January 29, 2020
Updated: January 30, 2025

No joke. When my first son was very young, I scoured as many parenting book indexes to find information on what to do with a high energy toddler. When I couldn’t find “high energy”, I would scan the “C” section to see if I could find, “Crazy Toddler!”

I never found either in any book. Womp. Womp.

As a first time mom, I had already read the typical advice offered to discipline children. The positive discipline and positive parenting tactics worked great when it came to following instructions and sleeping at night.

He listened (fairly well), had very kind intentions, seemed to have an advanced understanding of differences in other children, and wanted to do well.

However, he literally bounced off the walls and acted CRAZY!! People will sometimes compare kids to the Energizer Bunny, well my high-energy toddler would give that bunny a run for its money! **I got his permission to share this and I keep checking in has he’s gotten older. He has seen the videos and concurs.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I knew boys had a lot of energy—I was prepared for that. But this? This was beyond anything I ever imagined. At two and three years old, my son would literally sprint full speed into the wall just to see if he could knock himself out. I had watched my little brother grow up, but he was calm and easygoing. This was completely uncharted territory for me.

At the time, I had no understanding of behavior or that brains could be differently wired. I had no framework to make sense of what was happening inside my home.

Then came a pivotal moment while my husband was out of town. My son was in the shower, water flying everywhere, grabbing his brother, screaming at the top of his lungs—completely out of control. He wasn’t upset; in fact, he was thrilled. But he had absolutely no control over his actions.

I sat on the toilet with this thought…

“I quit motherhood.”

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

As my son grew, started school and we learned more about how his brain was wired, a lot of things started to make sense.

If you find yourself in the same boat of not knowing what to do with your overly active hyper, maybe sometimes crazy child, here are some things I wish I would have known that may help you.

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

If I could make The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson required reading for every parent, I would! This book does an incredible job of breaking down what’s happening in your child’s brain in a way that’s both practical and easy to understand.

At its core, the brain functions best when it’s integrated, all parts working together in balance. Kids thrive when their right emotional brain and left logical brain work in sync, helping them live meaningful, creative, and well-balanced lives.

As parents, we can support this process by first connecting with our child’s right brain so we can meet them in their emotional state. Only once they are calm can we engage their left brain with logic and reasoning to help them process their behavior.

One of my biggest takeaways from the book was understanding the difference between the upstairs thinker brain and the downstairs reactive brain. The prefrontal cortex, the upstairs brain, doesn’t fully develop until the late 20’s. When kids have access to it, they can think clearly, make good decisions, and understand consequences. But when they’re stuck in their downstairs brain, things can get chaotic fast.

Dr. Siegel explains this with a powerful analogy: when kids are overwhelmed by big emotions—anger, frustration, sadness—a baby gate slams shut at the bottom of the stairs, blocking access to their upstairs brain. Our job as parents is to help open that gate by connecting with them first and guiding them to calm.

When I was navigating life with my wild, high-energy toddler, this concept changed everything. Instead of trying to control his behavior, I learned to get on his level, connect with him, name what was happening, and gently guide him back to a state where he could function like a calm human again.

How to Look Underneath the Surface

Behavior is communication. No matter how a child is acting, he or she is communicating with you.

Underneath every unwanted behavior is usually an unmet need.

Although my son wasn’t disobeying or making poor choices, there was a reason he was running full speed into the wall.

How a child acts on the outside is like the tip of the iceberg poking out of the water. It’s what is underneath the surface that gives us insight as to where the behavior is coming from.

For my high energy toddler, it was a sensory need. I still don’t have a full understanding of the proprioceptive system and sensory output versus input, but what I do know is some kids have challenges with responding to information that comes through their senses.

He had a need that required him to want movement and physical contact. It’s what is called sensory seeking. Here are signs to look out for:

Touches everything!
Is very physical and prefers to play rough (although the intent may not be to hurt)
Is clumsy or always falling
Has a high tolerance for pain
Squirms and fidgets a lot – it seems like he or she never stops moving!

Yep, this pretty much sums up my son as a toddler.

If I had this knowledge, I could have created more structure to his day with routines and given him tools to calm down (like in my calm down kit!).

I also wish I would have known about other outlets that we have found that work to fulfill his sensory needs such as fidgets, a weighted blanket, squeezy balls, mazes, joint compressions, a trampoline or anything else that allowed him to get energy out in a safe way. My friend, Julie, has a GREAT list of activities for kids to get the proprioceptive and vestibular sensory input they need.

Read Next: Routines for Kids: How They Work and & How To Create Your Own

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

I always knew that every child was unique and special—I mean, I had entire school units on it in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade! But what I didn’t know was that there was something called asynchronous development or neurodiversity—and that these concepts would completely change how I understood my child.

In a neurotypical brain, development follows a relatively predictable pattern, where cognitive, emotional, and physical growth stay fairly in sync with peers of the same age. But in a neurodiverse brain, development can be wildly uneven: advanced in some areas and significantly behind in others. This is especially common in gifted children, where the higher the IQ, the greater the developmental gaps tend to be.

And here’s where things get tricky: our medical and educational systems in the U.S. are built for neurotypical kids.

The challenge is that culture and society will treat that child like their brain is that age instead of meeting where he or she is developmentally. This is where advocacy becomes vitally important.

So there I was, desperately seeking help, wondering why my son, a child who could create the most intricate paper sculptures, disassemble and reassemble electronics at three years old, and do complex math in his head, couldn’t seem to control his emotions, body, or impulses like other kids his age.

The only advice I got from professionals? “Just keep him safe.” And let me tell you, that alone was a full-time job.

What I really needed was a framework to understand his development. Simply recognizing that he wasn’t on the same trajectory as his peers or the kids he was being compared to by doctors and teachers would have helped me in a much bigger way. Instead of feeling like I was failing at motherhood, I could have focused on supporting his growth in the areas where he was behind, rather than expecting him to fit a mold that wasn’t made for him.

high energy toddlers struggle with self regulation

Connection is More Important Than Correction

When my son was little, I joined mom groups like Stroller Strides and MOPS (both have updated company names).

The number one topic I heard moms discuss was: How do we get our toddlers and preschoolers to listen? We were all searching for the magic formula to make our kids do what we wanted when we wanted.

Wow! My perspective sure has changed about how to get kids to listen. And honestly, I completely stopped asking that question because it was the wrong one. And let me tell you, it has made parenting so much less stressful. Looking back, I realize I could have saved myself so many frustrating moments I changed my perspective earlier.

Instead of focusing on how to get my child to listen, what I really needed to learn was how to connect before I corrected. Most of the time, my son wasn’t even misbehaving. He was typically overflowing with energy and enthusiasm which made me feel overwhelmed.

It wasn’t bad behavior; it was just more than I could handle at the moment.

And here’s the game-changer: kids respond best when they feel connected.

Instead of resorting to counting to three, time-outs, or the latest discipline hack I found online, all I needed to do was figure out what my high-energy toddler needed to connect.

For my son, that meant a hug, eye contact, and affirmations—even now as a teen, that’s still what works best for him. For your child, it might be playful interaction, physical closeness, or simply feeling heard.

Once I started focusing on connection first, everything shifted. I didn’t have to fight for control or constantly repeat myself. My son felt safe, seen, and understood—and that made all the difference in how he responded.

So if you’re feeling exhausted trying to get your child to listen, take a step back and ask:

How does my child like to connect?

You might be surprised at how much easier parenting becomes when you prioritize connection over correction. 💛

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

Lastly, I didn’t really take care of myself. Instead, I put all my energy and effort into chasing after a crazy high energy toddler! How in the world could I have time to focus on myself?

What I found as my kids got older is when I focus on self-care every day (not just Sundays!), I have a whole lot more to give. Self-care doesn’t have to be this long day at the spa. Instead, it can be squeezing in a workout, spending time with friends, reading the Bible and praying, or heck, taking a shower and actually blow drying your hair! Some of these were extremely hard to do with a very high energy toddler running around screaming, but I should have made them a priority!

If you struggle with self-care, check out my free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter.

A Note To The Mama With a High Energy Toddler (Who May Be Driving You a Little Bonker Balls)

I want to tell you that I can relate. Seriously, if you don’t know where to turn and you’re struggling to help calm your child, CONTACT ME! I’d love to chat and help you figure out what’s under the surface.

Also, I’m here to let you know that it can get better. Stay focused on connecting with your child regardless of how tired he or she makes you feel and the rewards will be more than you could ever imagine.

What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Here is the condensed version of what I could have done differently and what I ended up changing as my son got older. Knowledge is power!

Get on your child’s level (or below eye contact if they’re not too low to the ground!), connect with him or her, and name it to tame it.
Provide outlets for your active child to get all the wiggles out! Don’t repress the movement! Use sensory toys, encourage playing outside, running, jumping, use a weighted blanket or do joint compressions at night.
Reframe your thinking about how your child should be acting. Look at his or her brain wiring, interests and developmental milestones compared only to your child, not other kids the same age.
Connect before you correct. Every time!
Work with a parent Coach! I have a 12-week P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Program where we address what’s written in this post and so much more!

PS: If you don’t know what “bonker balls” is referencing to, then you are missing out and must check out the best podcast ever for kids. Shhhh, I even listen when I’m without my kids!!

Download Your Free Hyperactive Kids Toolkit

Need help with your hyperactive toddler? I created the Hyperactive Kid Toolkit just for you!

Hyperactivity Signs and Signals

The first page is a guide to signs and signals, making it easier to track your child’s behaviors. When my son was younger—toddler, preschooler, and even when he was in elementary school—he checked every box for hyperactivity. Now, as a teenager, I don’t notice it as much, but he’s still very active, which is why he wants to live at the skatepark, jujitsu gym, or basketball court every day! The good news is he has learned how to channel that energy on his own. 🙌

Parenting Strategies

The second page is packed full of parenting Strategies that I unpack in this post and that will truly help you parent a child with crazy amounts of energy.

Calm Down Toolkit

The last page is part of a bigger toolkit I have that helps kids with calming strategies. Oftentimes, hyperactive kids have BIG emotions. They need a little extra help in the emotional regulation department. You can grab the full Calm Down Toolkit here.

Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

Are you currently in the toddler stage and don’t know what to do with all of your toddler’s energy? Or are you past that phase, but your child is still bouncing off the walls? I hope these tips help! If you know other moms who this information will benefit, please feel free to share!!! Click on the share buttons below.

Lastly, I mentioned this earlier, and I mean it. If you’re not sure where else to turn and traditional advice is not working, please email me!

April 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 41 Comments

How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair them afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.

My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage.

Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane.

I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”

As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven-year-old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on.

It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped.

Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad.

How did we get here?

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Rupture and Repair

When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture.

A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you have to enforce.

Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken.

We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair.

If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.

Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others, and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life.

Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.

This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.

The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy for your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime.

This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope.

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!

1. Calm Down

Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray, and breathe.

Stop what you are doing.

Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment.

And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”

Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick.

Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus by using your senses.

There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too!

Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate.

I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and

repair, repair, repair!!

When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst.

As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need.

If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, or overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids.

Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment.

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful.

He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”

Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.

parent child relationship after conflict

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle toward healthy emotional and cognitive development.

Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back on what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think.

I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness, or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache.

After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy.

For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine!

learning social emotional intelligence through play

On The Laundry Room Floor

The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is that I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress.

As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants, and shirts.

I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.

Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time.

With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.”

He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”

February 18, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 50 Comments

To The Mom of “That Kid” Who Is Seen For His Behavior (Instead of His Character)

I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged and helpless. Since then, we let our son switch to a whole different kind of school that is made for kids who need to move, explore, and create! This is for the momma out there who sees the heart behind the behavior and a few things I’ve learned!!

It started when my son was two. Many times I would arrive at daycare at the end of a long day of work to see the teacher’s concerned face.

I knew what was coming.

She would tell me all about the behaviors he displayed. That he didn’t follow directions. He moved too much. He couldn’t focus. The best was when a teacher said, “I don’t know what to do with your son. Time-outs work for all the other kids, but not for him.”

The sweet teacher would explain that he sits in the corner of the room laughing instead of feeling bad about his actions. As soon as he came out of time-out, he would be worse than before. “We talk to him sternly, we clearly tell him what the consequence will be, but nothing works.”

Her words were very hard to swallow for the perfectionistic, rule-following mom that I am.

Therefore, this was my interpretation: “Hey lady, you have the bad kid.”

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Then in PreK, the teacher would “discipline” AKA, punish him, by making him clean up after the whole class for knocking blocks down or not staying on the big round carpet. Or he would be scolded for folding paper and creating crazy creations instead of coloring inside the lines.

I know now that he’s not an inside-the-lines kind of human. But yet, that’s what he’s been forced to do his whole school life.

In Kindergarten, I often heard about his behavior and inability to follow instructions. Then that continued on through First Grade causing him to lose recess often. His teachers were always very nice when speaking to me, but the words would go straight to this momma’s heart.

The defensive thoughts would circle around inside my head like a violent tornado…

I don’t know how I can help from home when I’m not there. We work hard to model good behavior at home. He’s not exposed to bad language, images, or anything of that nature. We talk to him. We pray with him. We go to church and love God. He knows how to make good choices. We eat family dinner together every single night. I can’t force him to sit still in school. I can’t shield him from every negative influence from outside of our home. He plays like one hour of video games A WEEK, never watches YouTube and we don’t even turn the TV on Monday through Friday. What else do they want me to do?

Thankfully, he had teachers in both Second and Third who started to peel back the layers and saw our son for his strengths first. But still, the school environment was challenging for him.

I felt like my husband and I were doing everything we could to help our child, but yet, the emails, calls, and principal visits continued to happen.

What else was there to do?

(In retrospect, it really wasn’t that often nor were the “offenses” ever that bad. It just felt bad.)

Then Something Happened…

Before I knew anything about the developing brain and only went by how society, in general, viewed behavior, I wasted a ton of air correcting and telling my child how he “should” act. I also wasted a ton of stickers, gummy bears and reward charts.

I never once asked, “Why is he acting this way?”

Or…

“How Can I Help?”

Then I came across a podcast, Tilt Parenting, hosted by who has become one of my favorite humans on this planet (although I’ve never met her)! Every episode had a psychologist, teacher, advocate, doctor or mental health professional explaining concepts in ways that completely shifted or what the host calls tilted the way I thought.

Most of the time, I would listen to or read the books mentioned. With every bite of research and information I chewed off, a reframe began.

This, in turn, changed the way I viewed my child.

More importantly, it changed the way I treated my son.

During the same timeframe, while scrolling through Instagram, a photographer I followed suggested reading “The Whole-Brain Child”.

I couldn’t get through it fast enough before moving on to “No-Drama Discipline”, both by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. And I’m currently reading their new book, “The Power of Showing Up.“

It was the first time I removed all of my preconceptions of how a child should behave and all the other “shoulds” I was exposed to by society growing up. Instead, I realized what was actually going on underneath the surface and in my son’s brain, mind and body. Also, I gained awareness of my own brain, mind and body.

That’s when a paradigm shift happened.

My son began to change as well. Not necessarily the surface behaviors in school, but in how he trusted us, how safe he felt, how he treated others and how he viewed the world.

We saw his strengths first instead of his weaknesses.

It felt like when Mary pulled back all the vines to discover the door to the Secret Garden. We spent years pulling those vines down and what was behind the wooden gate was beautiful. A precious little boy with a kind and compassionate heart.

Here is a quick rundown of what caused this change in thinking:

Learning phrases and concepts such as “behavior is communication”, and “kids do well if they can”, in addition to implementing Plan B.
There is a difference between “can’t” and “doesn’t want to.”
How to “connect and redirect.”
What executive functioning and self-regulation are.
How to support a child through scaffolding.
That praising my son by telling him “good job” can demotivate instead of encourage and motivate him.
A “disorder” diagnosis does not mean there is a deficiency or inadequacy.
That behavior is “top down” (driven by thought, logic and reasoning) or “bottom up” (driven by instinct).
There can be developmental advancements and developmental delays all in one brain.
The environment is the thing that needs to change, not the child. Also, I learned to communicate to my child that he is “not the problem.”
How to be my child’s emotion coach so he can develop Emotional Intelligence.
Lastly, that my son, who learned his alphabet, colors, and songs much later than his peers, but at an early age, was very empathic and could take anything apart and build very complicated structures out of paper was Twice Exceptional.

Related: Why Praise Doesn’t Work To Motivate Kids And What We Can Do Instead

Any time I would slip up and divert to my stern voice, I would be reciprocated with what I used to think was attitude and disrespect. Now I know, it’s the way he handles stress.

Instead of focusing on correction and correction and correcting more with little results, we became more intentional in connecting first which has built a very strong relationship. Having a strong relationship with my child matters for his psychological, emotional, and physical well-being. And for mine too.

I know we’re only hitting the very beginning stages of the adolescent years and his brain is getting ready to go through some serious changes, but I’m armed and ready with the knowledge that will hopefully continue to shape the way we parent.

To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

I see you. I understand. I feel you.

I know how your chest and hands feel when you see the school’s number pop up on your phone during school hours, even if it’s because a teacher wants to tell you something positive.

I know what it’s like to see your child’s heart and know she wants to do well, but yet, it not feel like that when she is in someone else’s care.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the one misbehaving and that sinking emotion of feeling like you are the one being sent to the principal’s office.

I know what it’s like when people think you’re “that crazy mom who thinks her child could do no wrong”. (Which by the way, I do NOT because believe me, I get frustrated and experience the behaviors, too, I just see the behaviors in a different light. One that is more helpful).

I know what it feels like to worry that if your child is treated (intentionally or unintentionally) like a bad kid he or she will become a bad kid.

I know what it’s like to feel sad when your child keeps getting in trouble.

I know what it’s like to want the best for your child.

I know what it’s like to think the teachers think you’re making excuses for your child because “he’s smart” and is “perfectly capable” of behaving better if he wanted to. (I have no idea if this is the truth, but this is the narrative I tell myself. And if they do think those thoughts, that’s great, but not the truth).

I know that in order for your child to learn, he needs to fail and make mistakes. And I know it can make you feel like a crappy parent.

I know what it feels like to allow mom guilt to eat away at you.

I know what it feels like to be verbally attacked because your child is misunderstood.

I know what it’s like to sit in the car and ugly cry while feeling hopeless.

But I also know what it’s like to champion your kid despite what others feel and see. I know that in order to advocate you need to walk the fine line of empowering and enabling. I know what it’s like to see the incredible compassionate kind heart underneath the surface and to see the resiliency forming and the grit emerging.

And that one day, your child will change the world if he or she sees himself through the same lens you and your husband do.

The Truth

My son will probably never color inside the lines and that is more than okay.

He has been fearfully, wonderfully, uniquely… and exceptionally made. Through his spirit, he has taught many people, I included, more than I could ever imagine about creativity, innovation, curiosity, humor, perspective and what it’s like to take risks.

He is more than his behavior.

Parenting isn’t easy, but with the right mindset and knowledge, we can push through what looks like a pile of weeds, vines and bushes and find the beauty within.

February 12, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 22 Comments

The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior (To Get Kids to Listen)

Inside: Correcting behavior teaches kids many life skills. Besides making life easier for us, the parents, the real reason we do it is to teach kids how they should live in this world. Learn how to CONNECT before you CORRECT!

I have three boys. Read: three energetic, don’t think before they act, fun-loving, intense boys ranging from 10 years old to three!

Our life is loud, chaotic and a little cray cray.

It’s not abnormal for balls to be bouncing, nerf bullets and paper airplanes to be flying and RC cars to be driven down the hallways of our house. The way our boys are learning about how to live in this world is through playing, fighting with each other and testing boundaries.

If I went into every situation correcting every little misbehavior and telling them or yelling (which is very unproductive) orders, first of all, I would be exhausted. And second of all, I wouldn’t get very far as this approach is proven to be ineffective with kids unless you do something before the correction.

The Secret To Getting Kids to Listen

An analogy I heard before compared parenting to fighting fires. Firefighters don’t run into a burning building, but instead, they walk while remaining calm.

When you see your child doing something wrong or unwanted according to your rules and values, the go-to is to “~~run~~ sprint into the burning flames” and correct that behavior, right? But often, as soon as you jump to correcting, your child may appear that he or she isn’t listening. The shut-off button has been pressed.

There’s actually a reason for this. It’s not because your child is disrespecting you or not wanting to make the right choice. Yet, many parents see it this way. The reason is that instead of viewing the misbehavior as something he or she did wrong that must be fixed, developmentally, your ethnocentric child becomes defensive and goes into protection mode.

So what is the secret to preventing the shut-off button from being activated?

The answer is: connection.

Connecting Before Correcting Behavior

I first learned about connecting before correcting when reading No-Drama Discipline by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

I’m not going to lie, at first, it didn’t seem natural to stop what I was doing, connect with my child AND THEN correct what he was doing. And it was also unnatural for my husband who thought that there should be a consequence for every wrong move.

As we took this approach though we found that we didn’t have to correct as often because our kids began to self-correct and self-regulate! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!

Also, it was extremely rewarding to experience a really close relationship forming with each of our boys.

This whole connecting with your child thing does take a little more effort. At least until you retrain your brain to resort to connection before correction. And while your kids get used to not just being told what to do right away. The good news is the more you approach behavior this way, the faster it will become!

Why Should We Connect Before We Correct Our Children?

Brain science (and honestly, the Bible sure has signs of this all throughout scripture) tells us that people are wired for connection and love.

Connection is human nature.

Research has proven that children learn best (mature, grow, thrive, and can become resilient) when they have a sense of belonging and significance.

I don’t know about you, but I have this innate need to be included, too. So imagine how much bigger that need is in a developing child.

There are three benefits to connecting before correcting behavior:

Short-Term Benefit: In the moment, kids can move from a defensive, reactive state to a receptive one! They must be willing to listen in order to listen.
Long Term Benefit: Connection wires those neural pathways and builds a stronger, better brain.
Relational Benefit: It creates a strong parent-child bond that is hard to break.

“Kids must be willing to listen in order to listen.”

Lastly, when you yell, nag, shame or constantly correct, this causes a child to go straight into his or her stress response of fight, flight, freeze or faint. It’s impossible for kids to make good choices when they are in this reactive mode.

How Does Connection Happen?

We know that connecting before correcting behavior has many benefits and will help your child feel secure and safe with you.

But what does connecting even mean?

Connection is when a person is linked to or associated with another person. If you read between the lines of this simplified definition, you will see, safety. In order to reach this level, three things need to happen:

1. Let the Past Go

First, we may have been raised in an environment that was the complete opposite of this connection model. And that’s okay! However, it does impact the way we parent whether we like it or not.

Not only does it impact our behaviors based on what we saw growing up, but it also wired our brains.

Have you ever freaked out on your kids and then thought, “Holy Wow! Where the heck did that come from??!” Ya, I definitely have and as I scan my childhood through reflection, I realize that there were experiences from my childhood that caused me to flip a switch to crazy mom. But because I know this, it can’t be used as an excuse because of something called neuroplasticity. This means the brain can CHANGE until the day we die! Say What?!

In order to make a change in the way you view your role as a parent and how you should correct your child’s behavior, you must make sense of your past and heal those memories. Or be intentional in forgetting them so you can connect in the way you want to with your child.

2. Be a Detective

Instead of jumping to conclusions about your child’s (what may seem to you as bizarre) actions, pause for a moment to figure out the “Why”.

Think about the reason behind the behavior.

A lot of times, my kids are unable to listen or make good choices because their brain chemicals are out of wack. I read in The Self-Driven Child that 90% of our children’s behaviors are chemical! Ever since reading that, I am able to acknowledge when my son’s dopamine is super low (or high) or the cortisol is pumping creating a lot of anger.

Other reasons for your child’s unwanted or misbehavior can also be because he or she is tired, hungry, bored or experiencing emotions he or she doesn’t know what to do with.

Put your detective hat on and focus on why your child is not listening. Don’t stop there either. Have a conversation about why you think these behaviors are happening and what your child can do instead.

Just as I was writing this, one of my sons told me that he feels like he hears noise when I speak but for some reason, he doesn’t always make sense of the meaning behind what I’m saying. He has always been extremely self-aware so he continued by saying that he’s pretty sure it’s his ADHD. We were then able to discuss what I could do so he could hear me better and what changes he could make to ensure the information was processed.

3. Watch Your Tone!

This part deserves an exclamation point because it’s so easy to overlook. When speaking to your child or correcting behavior, don’t only pay attention to your words but HOW you are saying them and what you look like when you are talking.

Side Note: Have you ever done the mirror trick? Next time you are angry or frustrated, run to a mirror to see what you look like. That may be the ticket you need to change your demeanor or simply laugh at yourself. It works for me!

Kids pick up on the nonverbal cues much more than the words that are spoken to them. My husband always says he can’t be this little happy fairy with a sweet voice when things need to get done. However, he’s learning that his tone of voice really affects whether or not our boys listen to him and correct their behavior. It’s like that infamous meme of a mom’s voice turning into Batman’s voice. Ya, let’s try not to get to that point because it doesn’t usually help our cause.

4. Proactively Connect

It sounds so simple and yet can feel so hard.

Once you get in the habit of jumping to connecting first to respond instead of react, I promise, it will become second nature.

There are many ways you can connect with a child before, during, and after a storm that I will discuss in a separate post.

In general, though, a great way to check in with your kids on a consistent basis to build a strong foundation of connection is to have Family Meetings. I can not express how much these have helped our family in so many ways.

Discussing rules, values and our calendar every week has decreased misbehaviors, increased a positive family culture, allowed our kids to feel like they matter and more importantly connected with us in a way that will be pretty stinking hard to break. I dare you (I’m totally kidding because I completely cower in the face of conflict).

If you want to start Family Meetings and don’t know where to start, you can download my free Family Meeting Agenda here! or by filling out the form below.

What Are the Ways You Connect?

I would love to see how you connect with your kids. Tag me on social media or send me a private message. If you found this article helpful in correcting behavior, please feel free to share by using the share buttons below.

November 29, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 56 Comments

How to Help Your Anxious Child at Christmas Time

My little brother is seven years younger than I am. When he was around three or four, the Christmas season caused him to become an anxious child. Because of his personality, there were one too many completely innocent “Santa-is-watching-you’s” amongst other stressors my parents were completely unaware of until he couldn’t control his emotions.

Eventually, they had one of “Santa’s elves” (pre-Elf on the Shelf Days!) bring him a special early Christmas surprise. I remember being just as excited even though I personally knew the elf {*wink*wink*}.

We tiptoed down the basement stairs together to find a Power Wheels Quad. Knowing that he wasn’t actually bad helped his anxiety dissipate.

This post may contain affiliate links. See my disclosure policy here.

As parents, we don’t intentionally add extra stress to our kids during the holidays. But if you think about it, there is pressure for them to behave well.

Pressure During Christmas

“You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout I’m telling you why…”

Think about those lyrics. And if that’s not enough, in most homes there is now even an elf that is always watching AND reporting back to Santa.

Where does it end?!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I’m totally kidding! I just like being dramatic.

I’m not anti-Santa or anti-elf, because we are all about Santa in this house.

anxious child at christmas sitting with santa

As I get into what we can do to help our kids with their holiday anxiety, I wouldn’t suggest forcing your older child to sit on Santa’s lap. Ahem, like we did. Toddlers are free game though, right? Totally joking!!! We did make sure he was okay afterward in which he gave Santa a big high five. He just didn’t want to sit on or near him. That’s fair.

In the past, we always had an elf but have decided he is more useful staying at the North Pole to help Santa because it was causing way too much stress on our kids. We told them that they could create a landing pad anywhere in the house if they wanted the elf to come – giving them full control of the decision.

One of our boys has Generalized Anxiety, which manifests into angry physical outbursts. The last thing we wanted to do is to exacerbate those feelings. Besides, Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

For some kids, Christmas is already too much then you add lights, sounds, commotion and events that come with this season.

Quick Tip: If your child has angry outbursts, meltdowns, or struggles with self-regulation, download your free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress.

A statistic I found from the National Institute of Mental Health is that 1 in 8 children have anxiety. And less than 1% of kids get professional help for a multitude of reasons.

Read that again.

There are many types of anxiety. What they all have in common is the feeling of panic and/or fear of something that may not even be a threat, not being able to remain calm especially in times of high stress, having shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tension and there can also be feelings of nausea, sleeplessness, and dizziness.

I read the Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D. which I highly recommend! She goes through the challenges of people face who have brain differences, but also the strengths they have that can help them thrive and do far greater things than a neuro-typical person.

In the book, she explains that anxiety involves an array of behaviors and experiences. Every person is wired to have a stress response when they feel a threat. People who have anxiety may have the same physical feelings as a non-anxious person, but the thoughts in their minds usually take a negative turn.

Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Harvard psychologist and “father of temperament”, Jerome Kagan found that brains may be hardwired for anxiety. Following people from birth to adulthood in a longitudinal study, he found that babies who showed signs of being stressed out by simple things grew to be anxious adults.

The Magnetic Resonance Imaging also showed that they had thicker cortexes. Interesting!

I can attest to this with our anxious child (especially at Christmas). Even at a young age, he was afraid of everything – toys that moved or talked, people in costumes, strangers and certain sounds.

More research needs to be done to figure out if anxious people develop thicker cortexes or vice versa.

The environment can and does play a part, but I think it’s important for us to realize that our kids could be born this way. With this knowledge, we can help our anxious-prone children during Christmas, birthdays and every day of the year!

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Lastly, cognitive scientists at UC Berkeley have pinpointed anxiety. The contributing factors to anxiety are:

Overactive Amygdala | The amygdala is the part of the brain where the primal fight or flight reflex occurs. We talk to our anxious child about his amygdala a lot!
Underactive Ventral Prefrontal Cortex | Secondly, the neural part of our brain that aids in overcoming fears and worries, the ventral prefrontal cortex, isn’t mobilized. It’s hard for the person to access this part of the brain whenever fear is present.

Ring any bells for you?

Kids with and without Generalized Anxiety can experience anxiety and extra stress during the holidays.

Taking all this into consideration, kids (and adults alike) who already have anxious brain wiring may not be able to handle all the commotion (and joy and fun and excitement) Christmas brings. And kids who don’t have this brain difference can also develop anxiety as they become overwhelmed.

Anxiety During The Holidays

For adults and kids alike, November through January often disrupts regular routines. I know I keep mentioning Christmas but this goes for any holiday celebrated in the month of December.

It’s a more expensive time of year and the task demands are never-ending. Because of this, it’s good to take a look at the common triggers or reasons for kids’ anxiety during this time.

Common Triggers

Change of schedule
Seeing people and/or family your child hasn’t seen in a long time
Socially demanding events
Over-stimulation of lights and sounds
Lack of sleep
Traveling long distances and sleeping somewhere else
The weather (not necessarily here in AZ as we still get plenty of sunshine. I came from the cold so I soak every single ray up!)
Family tension brought up because of the holidays
Financial stress
Santa! Continuously being “watched” for good or bad behavior

7 Signs That Your Child is Anxious at Christmas

If your child is showing signs of frustration, sadness, or is uncharacteristically irritable, it may mean anxiety is present. Because the holidays can add extra stress, anxiety usually manifests into physical ailments as well.

Here are common symptoms to look out for:

Frequent Meltdowns or Sensory Tantrums | To figure out if these are actually a problem, keep track of every meltdown and tantrum easily on your phone or in a notebook. Look for patterns so you can mitigate the anxiety.
Sleep problems | Sleep can be affected by anxiety but also cause anxiety if there’s not enough. A vicious cycle is bound to happen without proper sleep.
Pain |Anxiety often presents itself as psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, unexplained muscle aches, and other physical pain. Anxiety can also cause a rash.
Other Physical Sensations | In addition to pain, anxiety can turn into arguing, crying, fleeing from situations, biting nails, pulling out hair or what I did as a kid was profusely scratch myself.
Anger | Oftentimes intense anger is actually anxiety in a child who doesn’t have the emotional regulation skills to cope.
Social Avoidance | If your child doesn’t want to go to school or public places, anxiety may be the culprit. Kids will often isolate themselves so they don’t have to face the scary feelings.
Frequent Questions | “What if’s” out of the wazoo! Anxious kids often present questions concerning safety and ask the same questions over and over again.

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

What You Can Do To Help Your Anxious Child At Christmas Time

Growing up, Christmas may have been a certain way. You may have incredible memories that you want to replicate. The problem with this is that it can often give unrealistic expectations for your current family. You may not have anticipated having to help an anxious child especially at Christmas which is why I bring you good news!

There are many ways you can help your anxious child minimize or avoid stress altogether!

Educate your kids (and yourself) |Teach your kids what anxiety is, how it affects their brains, and how to problem-solve.
Set a focus for the season | Ideas include Christmas memories, celebrating the seasons of change or the true meaning of Christmas then planning events accordingly.
Plan ahead and communicate it to your kids | There is so much to do in the community, at school, in your city or town. Instead of going to everything you can, let your kids be part of the plan and put it on a calendar so they can anticipate what is next.
Do more activities with only your family | Savor this time of year by making memories in the walls of your house.
Teach your kids to focus on the present moment | By doing this, kids can keep worrying feelings at bay. Mindfulness techniques work too.
Be open to change | Try your best to go with the flow. Approach the holidays with an open mind.
Be realistic | Have a realistic mindset on what can and can’t be accomplished this time of year. For example, kids who are very impulsive may need more structure to minimize disruptive behavior. Have a realistic plan to fall back on.
Take a break | Ask for help and realize Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Say no to things so you can say yes to what’s most important. Ask for help!
Seek medical attention if needed | Don’t forget this is always an option if can’t be managed at home.
Stay Alive 101 | Try your best to sleep, eat healthily, drink water, and exercise. This is for both you and your children even when it’s hard to do surrounded by candy canes, party food, and events around the clock.
Take natural supplements | We have found using natural herbs and spices helps tremendously with balancing neurotransmitters in the brain. As found in this article by Lyfe Botanicals, turmeric has the ability to modulate serotonin and dopamine. Ashwagandha, maca root, and licorice root all have similar benefits as well.
Reduce Screen Time | I know it’s an easy go-to for entertainment, but screens can exacerbate anxiety by over-activating the autonomic nervous system and increasing cortisol, the stress hormone.
Laugh and drink hot cocoa! | We may only get a limited amount of holiday seasons with our kids. Cherish every moment. Slow down, play games, laugh, and don’t forget the hot cocoa (sans the sugar for some of our kids and us, of course!). Hot chocolate solves problems.

11 ways to help an anxious child at Christmas

Read Next: The Perfect Holiday Gift Guide for Your Little Maker or Creator

The Reason for the Season

With all of this said it’s always good to remind ourselves what this season is truly about. We were given the greatest gift from God, Jesus, and we have the privilege to celebrate his birth.

Despite all the flashing lights (literally) and Christmas music, by showing our kids our love and what truly matters during this season, it can be enjoyed by all.

The true meaning of Christmas is love.

Grab the precious little gift you are so incredibly blessed to have and love him or hard. Open your kids’ eyes to what giving and helping others means and can feel like. Spend as much time as you can together creating memories that will last a lifetime. Lastly, from my photographer’s heart, be purposeful and take lots of pictures!

celebrating Christmas in Arizona - fake snow!

How do you help your child who is more anxious around Christmas?

Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com.

Originally published on December 18, 2018. Updated on November 29, 2019

October 22, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 22 Comments

8 Tips For Having a Family Meeting

In the past when a problem came up, we would often be reactionary with our kids. We had certain rules set in place but weren’t always consistent. It was easy to give in to lessen the yelling and whining. Oh, the whining sure wears me down.

When my husband and I saw a behavior we didn’t like, we would address it right then. If I saw that there was a way one of my kids could contribute to the family, without warning, I would tell them that this was their new chore. No discussion. No sense of autonomy. No checking in with their minds or hearts.

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

How family meetings impact our life

It didn’t occur to me until I was reading Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students that having a family meeting could help change things. It’s especially helpful for gifted kiddos but for all kids. I feel like I benefit just as much.

Another thing to consider is that we are born with wanting to belong. Where else should we feel welcome and like we’re part of a team than with our own family?

We consistently now have family meetings on Sundays and they have impacted our kids in such a huge way. The meetings are usually a mix of screaming, running around, dancing and cheering with a dash of order.

To be honest, it can feel crazy. One kid keeps leaving the room. The other is gluing and taping paper together. The littlest is there for the dancing. Even with the chaos, something amazing happens:

Our kids have input on decisions that impact them.
Problems or challenges get addressed in a judgment-free zone.
Our family values are highlighted and reiterated.
We find out if there’s something going on with someone that didn’t come up during the week.
Everyone feels like they are part of something bigger than themselves. They have others cheering them on.
Chores and family contributions are assigned.

Why Should We Have Family Meetings?

Family Meetings can help build stronger families. Because everyone is in one room together with no other agenda than to communicate with each other, it develops an unbreakable bond. As years go on, these times together create memories of support. There may be complaints in the process as we have experienced with our kids. I can tell deep down under the occasional grumbling, tthat hey value the time together.

These are the things that children can learn:

Listening skills
How to be respectful to others
Self-confidence and how to have a high self-esteem
Using their voice to communicate how they feel or what they want
Problem-solving skills and how to learn from mistakes
How to present and resolve issues or conflicts collaboratively
Family members are interdependent. The actions they take can affect everyone else in the family
How to have a different perspective than just their own

The goal of a Family Meeting should be to open communication between everyone in the family. Allowing our kids to have a voice gives them autonomy but also in this type of environment, they can get a lot of guidance and know who is ultimately in charge.

Quick Tip! To have a successful family meeting, use my FREE Family Meeting Agenda.

Tips for Having a Successful Family Meeting

Keep in mind that family dynamics play a part in how a family meeting can be conducted. The idea is to do what works best for your family. Here are some tips and guidelines that can help set up successful Family Meetings.

Set Ground Rules

Being respectful, listening more than speaking, not interrupting, building others up not tearing them down are all examples of simple ground rules everyone should follow.

My oldest has a VERY tough time with not interrupting, disagreeing, or having to contribute his ideas and opinions to every discussion so this is often a weekly skill we discuss that he needs to work on for that week.

Bring On The Treats!

Have a special treat for the kids to have during the meeting.

This can be anything from popcorn, special smoothies, muffins to frozen yogurt. Our kids aren’t used to getting a lot of sweet treats so a family meeting is a perfect time to let them indulge a little.

Make It Short

Try to aim for 15 minutes or less.

Have an agenda, get through it, and let everyone feel heard. This is a tough one for me. When we first started having meetings, we would all say something nice about each person in our family. Then once all the compliments were finished, that person would get to dance around the house hearing us chant their name. My toddler LOVED this part.

But what ended up happening was the meeting got dragged out making it too long to keep attention.

Keep It Positive and Light

The goal should be to keep the overall tone light and positive.

Encourage your children to use “I” statements whenever they are addressing a conflict with another family member.

For example, “It didn’t feel good whenever you kept shooting me with Nerf guns while I was doing my homework.” And try to insert humor and laughter when possible. Share a funny story that happened that previous week or a joke you recently heard.

Keep A Consistent Day For The Meeting

Try to find a day (and try to be consistent with time) that you regularly have meetings.

If you have to skip a week, pick right back up the following week. Our day is Saturday because when we tried during the week after school, it was a total disaster. When they get home from school, they want to decompress, play, or go to practice, not be required to focus on one more thing.’

Read Next: 18 Ways to Help Your Child Calm Down

Focus On Strengths

When discussing problems or challenges, try to do so from a strengths perspective. Point out your kids’ strengths and how they can use those to solve the problem or start behaving the way you prefer.

Bonus! I have a GREAT resource to help you understand and remember your children’s strengths. By signing up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter, you can get it for FREE!

Don’t Force Anyone To Participate

The key is to encourage participation from everyone (even toddlers) but not to force it.

Also, give them time to think over what they want to discuss instead. Try to let your kids come up with their own solutions.

This is another struggle for me. I have a controlling tendency so I want them to come up with ideas right away. “Everyone must participate and contribute to the meeting right now!” I have to remind myself that this is a way to create a bond with our family, not make them hate me.

My husband and I both have developed a habit of asking our kids a question and then answering it before letting them think. It takes kids time to process ideas sometimes or they may not be used to coming up with their ideas because we’re too quick to answer for them.

Change Up The Meeting Space

Pick a room in your house that will keep your kids engaged and want to have a meeting in. That may be your kitchen, living room, dining room, back porch, or whatever space you find will fit best.

I love this tip! You may also want to consider changing it up maybe once a month and doing it at a park, a froyo place, Chick-fil-A or somewhere where they can have fun afterward.

End With Fun!

Add an element of fun to the very end of the meeting. This gives the kids a memory maker for the kids to look forward to.

Examples include a board game or a dance party. My kids sure love dancing to some 80s music. Who doesn’t? If you are unable to take time to play an entire game, you can do a minute-to-win-it game that only takes ONE minute, some kind of race if you’re at a special place as mentioned above.

When you get pushback for family meetings

How to Avoid Push Back For Family Meetings

Lastly, we all know that kids have their own agendas. Whether at a school or home-schooled, they are required to take instruction from someone else and follow rules. Adding one more thing they have to do usually results in pushback. That’s okay! Don’t take this as an end-all. “No one is interested in doing a family meeting so I guess we won’t have them,” is not the attitude to have because of how important time is. Instead, here are some things you can do:

Set up some time for training

Take your time to develop what will be covered in the meetings.

Maybe start with going over how the agenda will be created and what will go on it the first week. After the agenda is established, introduce encouragement and compliments. Have everyone support each other in the ideas brought up for the agenda.

Then within a few weeks, explain how brainstorming for the ideas will work to solve problems.

Explain why it’s important

With my boys, if they understand why we’re doing something, there is usually more buy-in.

Emphasize what your children value most

For my family that would be special treats and games! As long as the goals of the meeting are accomplished, it doesn’t matter how much time is taken on the fun parts of the meeting.

Don’t be discouraged to stop early and try again the following week

Consistency is key even if that means the first month of meetings are only five minutes each. As your kids get used to the format, they will be more apt to enjoy the time spent together.

Give It a Fun Name

Calling it a “Family Meeting” can make it sound too formal, rigid, and mandatory which causes resistance. Change the name up to capture what that time together means to your family.

Use a “big word” to make it sound fancy like Family Colloquy or Family Confab (how fun is that word?!)
Take “meeting” completely out of the title. You could use names such as “Family Huddle” or “Family Rally”
Make the focus on something other than the meeting part and name it something like “Family Game Night” or “Family Fun Time”
Take a poll and ask your kids what they would like it to be called.

I’m not sure why, but our family calls it, Matt Damon. Whatever works!

Family meetings can be one of the most important things you do as a family unit.

Your kids whether they show appreciation or not will be getting so much from this time spent together than they can realize. And it’s not just about them. It’s a really great time to focus on who your kids are becoming and how to help foster your relationship and their growth.

Focus on these tips and you will have years’ worth of valuable time spent with your family.

Family Meeting Agenda

Need something to help you with your family meetings? My friend and author, Amy Carney, has a monthly Family Meeting Agenda specifically designed for families with teens. Or sign up to receive a free weekly agenda I made just for you!

Originally published Oct 30, 2018, and updated Oct 22, 2019

September 26, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) Leave a Comment

35 Podcasts for Moms – Episodes on Parenting, Neurodiversity and More!

Over a year and a half ago my sister-in-law mentioned how wireless earbuds were the best invention ever. It enabled her to listen to her favorite podcasts for moms while cleaning or doing anything around the house.

“Adriane, it’s the best thing! I stick these bad boys in and learn a lot of useful information while getting my house clean. I bet you listen to some amazing podcasts. Will you share your list with me?”

Ummmm, Podcasts?

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

To be honest, I had never heard of such a thing. I was super intrigued as to what this radio meets internet thing really was.

Now the podcast world is exploding and for good reason.

Confession Time

Ever since my sister-in-law mentioned the word, podcast, I became a junkie.

A little fact about me is that I have OCD (or possibly Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – OCPD). I spent years apologizing and running away from it but with the help of podcasts for moms (and books from the authors I found through these podcasts), I discovered I could use my obsession of learning to help others!

And I no longer need to apologize for being me.

Win. Win. And another Win.

woman balancing books on her head — Photo Credit: **Michelle Praskins Photography**

My interests slowly began to grow about how the brain works, how to be a better parent, what God wants me to do with my life, how to be a successful entrepreneur, and how to be a good human. There are not enough hours in the day to feed my brain all that it is hungry for.

Finding Time to Listen

A question I often get asked is, “How in the world do you have time to listen to all these podcasts for moms or read as much as you do?”

The answer is I build it into my schedule.

I try to work out every day. The gym I’m most motivated to go to is 20 minutes away. That’s 40 minutes of good listening right there. I simply plug my phone into the car.

As my little guy gets bigger, I’ll probably listen with one earbud instead of blasting it through the whole car. Right now, he enjoys listening to people talk. On occasion, he will request, “Mee Mow” (Mickey Mouse) so I kindly oblige.

How to make time for podcasts:

Here are some tips on how to squeeze listening time into your busy day.

Listen to podcasts…

While Driving | If you’re like me and you drive around all day, always have something in the queue ready to listen to. That rhymes!
In Driveline or Pickup | Pass the time while waiting for your kids after school or practice.
While cleaning or organizing | My wireless headphones are the best gift my parents have ever given to me! While putting groceries away, cleaning, doing laundry or any other household chore, I listen while I work.
In the shower | I try not to do this to give my brain a rest, but it can be a good time to listen.
On long road trips | My husband gets to tow our 30-foot trailer camper so in between chats with him, I listen or read.
While grocery shopping | I often order my groceries online (best thing EVER!), but if I go to the store by myself, I always have earbuds in.
When Working out | Working out on exercise equipment or lifting weights seems to be a popular time to listen to a podcast.
The Dentist! | I neglected my mouth for too many years so I have to go back every three months for cleaning. No Bueno! Lying in a chair for an hour with no kids works great to listen to a podcast. They only bug me when it’s time to rinse.

You may also like: Simple Systems To Keep Your Home Organized and Clutter Free

Are podcasts beneficial or harmful for your brain?

There are a few studies I found on what listening to podcasts does to our brains. One by Jack Gallant of UC Berkeley found that a lot more of our brain is engaged when we are listening to a story especially if it’s interesting. The meaning of what we are listening to is represented all throughout the brain, not just in the primary auditory cortex. That’s good!

We’re building upon the 80 billion neurons in our brains.

Now, try to wrap your mind around that one.

But there are also studies that show too much listening is not good for us. In the list above, I try to pick and choose a few times a day to put on a podcast, and not every chance I get.

Research suggests that when we sit in silence, cell development increases in the hippocampus, the part of the brain mainly associated with memory and also a part of where our emotions are stored. We need to be cautious to not overload ourselves with auditory content just as much as we do with any other media intake.

It’s great to consume information, but our brains also need time to digest that information. To best do this, it’s encouraged to have moments of silence throughout your day and engage in the physical world we live in.

Podcasts for Moms That Are Worth Listening To

I have a laundry list of podcasts that I subscribe to. To avoid over-listening, I try to prune my list down to the ones that bring value to me or you, my readers.

Instead of only giving you the list of my subscribed podcasts for moms, I thought I’d also share specific episodes that made an impact on how I live my life and in turn, parent with purpose.

I separated them out into categories knowing that not all of these will interest you.

Another strategy in helping our brains retain information is to re-listen. The two that I have relistened to more than two times are the Executive Functioning episodes with Seth Perler on the Tilt Parenting Podcast and the Give Yourself the Gift of Done with Jon Acuff, author of “Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done” on For the Love Podcast. Both have improved my life in more ways than one. I reference the first one regarding my kids on the daily and the Jon Acuff episode just about every week for me.

35 Podcast Episodes That Will Help You Be a Better Parent

Before I get into the 35 incredible episodes, check out my interview with Andrea from The Flourish Together Podcast! We talked about Family Meetings and Emotion Coaching! It was so much fun to be ON a podcast. It’s a little different than sitting in my car listening.

Parenting

Parenting is my jam!

I love learning about different strategies, techniques, tips, and scripts for my own family but even more so to help others. My focus tends to be on cognitive psychology and how we can use our knowledge of the brain to best parent our kids. Most of the podcasts for moms I listen to are professionals who have their Ph.D. or Masters in the field of child psychology or pediatrics.

Family Looking Up with Camille, Beth, and Andrea

Episode 89: Four Keys to Becoming An Effective Parent with Dr. Wally Goddard
Episode 13: Do Good. Be Kind with Chris Kurtz

Parenting Great Kids with Dr. Meg Meeker

Episode 8: Yes! You Can with guest John O’Leary
Episode 55: Raising Kind Kids with Dr. Thomas Lickona
Episode 74: Kids and Screens: Help for Parents with Dr. Tom Kersting

Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan Peters

Episode 37: The Yes Brain: How To Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience In Your Child with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Episode 22: Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome with Ty Tashiro
Episode 7: Raising Creative Kids with Dr. Susan Daniels

Screen Smart

Episode 14 – Porn and Your Kids with Chris McKenna (with Protect Young Eyes)
Episode 5 – Video Game Addiction with Cam Adair (of Game Quitters)

Mind Matters with Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

Episode 24: True Grit – Fostering Tenacity and Resilience with Emily Mofield, EdD, and Megan Parker Peters, PhD
Episode 5: The Creativity Crisis with Steve Coxon, PhD

How to Talk to Kids About Anything with Dr. Robyn Silverman

Jan 15, 2019: How to Talk to Kids about Drugs and Alcohol with Jeremy Schneider
Oct 23, 2018: How to Organize Your Life so You Can Bring Out the Best in Your Child and You with Julie Morgenstern
Sept 25, 2017: How to Talk to Kids About Peaceful Sibling Relationships with Dr. Laura Markham

Raising Neurodiverse Kids

Out of my three kids, so far we know our two oldest are neurodiverse children. If you have never heard of that phrase, it means brain differences are just that, differences instead of something being wrong or abnormal. It also leads to helping these kids see their strengths in the way their brain is wired instead of focusing on fixing any perceived deficits.

Our boys are gifted learners which usually comes with asynchronous development in the brain. They are both also Twice-Exceptional meaning there is something paired with the giftedness.

In fact, some of these podcast episodes I listed below are how I figured out very valuable information that was able to help eliminate power struggles with one of our boys.

Many lightbulbs have gone off while listening. These have provided me with the resources that have brought calm and joy into our home simply because of knowledge. For that, I am forever grateful.

Understood is THE resource to learn about neurodiversity and they just started a podcast, too!

Tilt Parenting with Debbie Reber (my hero!)

Episodes 96 (Part 1) and 97 (Part 2): A “Masterclass” in Executive Functioning with Seth Perler
Episode 140: Julie Lythcott-Haims on How to Raise an Adult and Help Our Kids Successfully Launch
Episode 144: Dr. Sharon Saline on What Our ADHD Kids Wish We Knew
Episode 90: Dr. Dan Siegel on Helping Our Kids Develop a “Yes” Brain

Mind Matters with Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

Episode 8: A Guide to Self-Advocacy (with Deb Douglas)

How to Talk to Kids About Anything with Dr. Robyn Silverman

Nov. 12, 2018: How to Help Kids with Autism, ADHD and Other Neurological Disorders Gain Better Brain Balance with Dr. Robert Melillo of Brain Balance Centers
Dec 11, 2018: How to Talk to Kids about the Gifts, Tools, and Rituals of the ADHD Brain with Peter Shankman

Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs

Episode 134: Understanding Sensory-Based Behavior with Christy Bennett, OT

Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan Peters

Episode 42: With Understanding Comes Calm with Julie Skolnick

Good for the Soul

Lastly, these episodes are good for the heart, soul, and mind. Some focus on faith and others on how we can be better humans. It’s good for me to take a break from all the parenting advice and focus on myself at least once in a while.

Read more: How to Take Care of MYSELF so I Can Give More to My Family (It’s More Than an Occasional Pedicure)

I read this quote while looking up the podcast guest’s websites to provide for you, “Self-care is not selfish. It is the foundation for serving others.”

What wisdom!

For the Love with Jen Hatmaker

Series 1, Episode 3: Girlfriends Can Save the World with Shasta Nelson
The Entire Series: For The Love of Change!
Series 14, Episode 4: Give Yourself the Gift of Done: Jon Acuff
Series 7, Episode 3: A Time to Lead, A Time to Follow: Chasing the Next Big Thing with Nicole Walters

She Proves Faithful

Episode 70: Is Self Care Biblical?

Going Scared with Jessica Honegger

Episode 30: Create Compassionate Spaces with Curt Thompson
Episode 7: Being Kind Over Being Right: Bob Goff gets real (another one of my heroes!)

Oprah Super Soul Conversations Podcasts

Steven Pressfield: Unlock Your Creative Genius

Science of Success

Nov. 29, 2018: Stop Being Afraid To Be YOU – The Power of Bold Authenticity with Dr. Aziz Gazipura

Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs

Episode 112: Anxiety in Motherhood with Special Guest Dr. Emily Shupert

The Mom-Inspired Show

Episodes 78 (Part 1) & 79 (Part 2): Cancer Prevention and Healing Foods with Kim Maravich

Other podcasts for Moms I enjoy listening to:

Drive Time Devotions (with Tom Holladay of Saddleback Church)
Christy Wright’s Business Boutique
The G.O.A.T. Show with Mike Arce
Ted Radio Hour with Guy Raz
Personality Hacker
Flourishing Together Podcast with Andrea Worley
In It by Understood
Northridge Church

woman scrolling through podcasts for moms

Download the Full List

For easy access, I made a full list of all the podcasts for moms and episodes listed above in both a Word Document and PDF with links. You choose! (Click on the links to download)

Instead of writing summaries of each of the podcasts for moms, I provided the links. If you have any questions about any of these episodes or topics, leave a comment below or contact me directly.

I’d love to hear your input and what you listen to!

My hope is that these make as great of an impact on your life as they have on me.

Originally written on March 6, 2019; Updated on September 26, 2019

August 28, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 19 Comments

How To Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach With These 5 Steps

Inside: Learn how to become your child’s emotion coach. This benefits both you and your children as they increase their emotional intelligence. Scroll down to sign up to get your free emotion coach printable.

What I’ve come to realize over the last ten years of my parenting journey is that the single most important thing my children need from me is emotional support. Not only to be understood but also to be taught social and emotional intelligence skills.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

raising a child with emotional intelligence

After reading countless books and listening to even more podcasts, I found that the common theme of successful child-rearing is creating a strong connection through understanding my own emotions first.

Once I can process my own emotions, then the second most important thing to do is to support how my child feels.

Regardless of the parenting style or philosophy, emotional intelligence is where it’s at. Don’t believe me, check out Generation Mindful! What they are doing to help kids increase emotional intelligence is INCREDIBLE!

Today, we know so much about the growing brain from neuroscience and behavioral research. There are longitudinal studies that span over 40, 50, 60 years! And with the help of technology such as Functional MRIs, we have concrete evidence of what’s happening with neural pathways during brain development.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence and How to Teach It To Your Child

Experts continue to gain very valuable knowledge about how people develop into resilient, competent adults who have high emotional intelligence.

How have we gone so long without realizing that emotions are healthy?

In the past, at least here in the United States, it was common for kids to not be treated like emotional beings. Instead, they were to be seen and not heard.

Denmark has been ranked as having the happiest people in the world for the past 40 years. If you take a deep dive into how they raise their kids, you’ll learn that empathy is deeply rooted in their values. There is not much shaming, blaming or frustration over unhappy feelings. And they instinctively start teaching empathy as soon as a child is born.

Read Next: Spend Quality Time With Your Kids

Emotional Intelligence

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in this field, states that research shows the biggest indicator of a child’s future is his or her relationship with others.

And that relationship starts with his or her parent.

By definition, emotional intelligence means, “The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

Whoah! That is loaded!

Here Are the Five Components of Emotional Intelligence:

Motivation
Empathy
Relationship & Social Skills
Self-Regulation
Self-Awareness

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is so important because it allows humans to flourish. It opens a door to better learning, relationships, understanding of others, academic achievement and eventually employment success. Psychologists even debate if EQ is more important than IQ.

Regardless, it’s something to pay attention to especially in raising kids. Even though some kids naturally have a higher EQ than others, it’s invaluable to focus on cultivating it in children so they can carry those skills into adulthood.

This can be done with a simple mind shift.

If your child struggles with big emotions, check out this Calm Down Toolkit to help him or her self-regulate.

It’s Not Only About Compliance

Since reading “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel Siegel, my eyes were opened to this world of connecting with my child on an emotional level. I had already figured out that punishment was not the most effective form of discipline, but connecting the dots with how the young brain develops was life-changing for my and my husband’s parenting approach.

A Tough Concept for Some

I do have to say that at first, this was a very hard concept for my husband to grasp. He was a firm believer that kids need consequences for every single mistake they make or when they display any kind of defiant behavior because “kids should be compliant.”

In fact, I can remember a situation where I was trying to put this knowledge into place and my husband was not having it.

We were walking home from the grocery store when one of my boys said or did something that appeared to be very disrespectful. I suggested we need to connect and then redirect as I had just learned.

Immediately, my husband glared into my eyes and asked, “You mean, I just let him get away with that behavior? I’m supposed to be kind to him when he just spoke to me like that? How will he ever learn?”

He often felt like they just “never listened.” The reason for this is that he wanted to control their behaviors right then and there versus allowing them to grow and learn from the situation. His thinking was understandable as it is a very common way for parents (and many teachers) to think.

Also, our boys may have seemed like they weren’t listening, but what they were really doing was fighting for autonomy. This is one of our basic psychological needs as humans, to feel like we have control over our own lives, and yet, children have very little.

Fast forward a few years and I learned that, in order for my husband to want to collaborate in parenting, I needed to stop telling and focus on supporting him and modeling how to connect with our boys. And secondly, we learned together that we don’t even need to correct those behaviors anymore because either they don’t happen or our kids self-correct.

We now know that our kids’ “disrespectful” talk is typically their stress response especially for our oldest. If we connect first, our boys will correct their own actions and most likely not repeat it in the future. That is a much better goal than only focusing on compliance at the moment.

It’s important to note that “stress response” behavior is not intentional like we usually assume. Instead, it’s out of their control which is why it’s even more important that we connect and take the opportunity to teach.

The Importance of Connection

As our boys have developed, we both realize the importance of connection and attuning to our children’s emotional needs. In fact, we’ve seen such a transformation and the fruits of this thinking, that this is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

I want to help other parents see past the behaviors and make strong connections with their kids. Because if a parent-child relationship is strong, that child is more likely to grow into a mentally and emotionally healthy adult.

Wouldn’t you agree that we need this more than ever now?

How To Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach With These 5 Steps

Recently, I came across the concept of Emotion Coaching.

It’s basically what we have been doing with our kids with all the research-based knowledge I’ve gained. I love how easy the steps are easy to remember and more importantly, implement.

Created by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute and author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting”, this concept teaches parents how to raise emotionally intelligent children.

The Five Steps to Emotion Coaching:

Be aware of emotions
Realize when a child is showing emotions that it’s an opportunity to connect
Help your child put a name to his or her emotions
Communicate empathy and understanding
Set limits and problem solve

I broke down each step so you can utilize this process in your own relationship with your kids:

Step 1: Be Aware of Emotions

All emotions are healthy. A great way to divide them is by acknowledging feelings that are uncomfortable and comfortable instead of good and bad.

In any relationship, there are two sets of emotions: one from each party. You have your bag of emotions, perceptions of the world, and feelings…

and so. does. your. child.

It’s very important that you are aware of yourself, first.

7 Ways to Work on Your Own Big Feelings:

Mindfulness Practice
- Wheel of Awareness
- Body Scan
- Go for a walk and draw your attention to the beauty in what you hear and what you see
Write in a Journal
Use Coloring Books
Pray
Relinquish Control
Be Aware of Your Triggers
Use Healthy Self-Talk and Positive Affirmations

Once we are aware of when we hit our stress response (fight, flight or freeze) and become either angry, frustrated, sad, or distant, we can acknowledge those feelings. Having a big feeling is totally okay, but it’s what we do with those emotions that matter in our own and our children’s lives.

What To Do with Heightened Emotions

By using some of the strategies listed above, we can be fully aware of when we’re feeling unhappy. In order for our kids to learn how to be in control of their own emotions, we must model and do the same ourselves.

Have you ever found yourself yelling, “Why are you yelling and being so rude to me?” I know I have! But do you see the irony?

There are going to be times when our heart rates just won’t come down.

This may be because we didn’t get emotion coaching as a child and there is something metaphorically blocking the gateway from our stress response to the thinker part of our brains. Being aware of this blockage can help reroute neural pathways. And if we really can’t get it together in the moment, that’s okay! Instead of lashing out either verbally or physically, do this one thing…

FOR YOU! You can download a free Emotion Coach Printable when you sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter

STOP!

(and if you need to, leave the room to calm down)

Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting teaches parents to Stop, Pause and Breathe. I’ve adapted it a little to Stop, Pray and Breathe.

When stuff hits the fan and I’m ready to go into battle, before even entering the battlefield, I stop. Well, let’s be real, this is my goal.

Secondly, we need to be attuned to our kids’ emotional needs. When they are displaying a certain feeling, it is most beneficial if we realize that their emotions may be expressed differently than ours. Also, because of their underdeveloped brains, they may not be able to regulate as quickly and easily.

It’s very common for kids who are neurodiverse to have challenges in this area. So by being aware that certain emotions are out of the child’s full control, we can move on to the next step with confidence and a gentle state of mind.

Step 2: When A Child is Emotional, Acknowledge it is a Time to Connect

Kids get upset.

Their little brains have a lot to learn when it comes to regulating emotions. When they are crying or angry, it’s not usually a time when parents see it as an opportunity to connect. But by understanding what emotions are, it’s one of the best times to show a child he or she is loved and cared for.

Strong parent-child relationships happen when there is caring communication so that a healthy attachment can form. If a child feels anything but loved every time he or she shows emotion, the relationship with that parent will slowly turn into a fear-based one or it will grow apart.

In order to achieve this, contingent communication should be the goal. I just read Parenting From the Inside Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. They say, “Signals sent by the child are directly perceived, understood, and responded to by the parent in a dance of communication that involves mutual collaboration.”

Both parties feel good. This is at the heart of a strong parent-child connection.

Emotional distress occurs when a person does not receive the communication he or she needs. It’s very confusing to a child if he is feeling one way but his parent is on a different page because kids require connection. When this happens, kids tend to not open up as much in fear that they won’t be understood.

You may not have grown up in a house where the focus was on connection but rather, correction and compliance. That’s a whole lot of c’s!

raising boys with Emotional Intelligence

In No-Drama Discipline (another book I highly recommend!) by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel Siegel, they give specific ways to connect with a child and I’ve found some other ways to achieve this.

10 Ways to Use Your Children’s Emotions to Connect With Them:

Stop, Pause and notice the child’s emotions and how they are acting before jumping in immediately.
Actively listen to your child. Fully listen without making assumptions or formulating a response to fire back.
Get on or below your child’s eye level.
Lovingly touch his or her arm while communicating.
Show sincere non-verbal empathic facial expressions.
Nod in an agreement or even if you don’t agree, show that you are trying to understand his or her point of view.
Validate your child’s feelings by acknowledging how they feel and you can even give a time when you felt the same exact way (if their emotions aren’t too out of control and they are in a teachable state).
Use reflective listening – summarize what you hear your child saying and repeat it back to him or her.
Once the dust has settled, savor your time together.
Be fully present and eliminate distractions.

Step 3: Teach Your Child How to Name His or Her Emotions

Emotions are something we are constantly pointing out in our family. Even our toddler is aware of when a baby is sad or his brother is angry.

The first step to emotional intelligence is to be able to name what a specific emotion is. Once kids have the language to attach to how they feel, it can help them work out those feelings and have a healthy relationship with emotions.

Psychologist Robert Plutchik developed a wheel of emotions that stem from these eight basic emotions:

Joy
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Surprise
Anticipation
Trust
Disgust

This is a great place to start. Then once they have these down, you can move on to even more emotions. Check this bad boy out (Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions):

In fact, when a child can label his or her emotions, he or she is less likely to turn those feelings into physical aggression. Saying, “I’m angry” is the first step to not using hands to express that same emotion.

8 Fun Ways to Help Kids Label Emotions:

Alphabet Game | This can be played anywhere. You go through the alphabet and try to come up with an emotion that starts with that letter. I’ll start, “A is for Affectionate.” Now it’s your turn!
Use Books! | While reading to your child, point out characters in the book and ask questions like, “How do you think she is feeling?” “Look at his face, is he happy, sad, angry or afraid?”
Read Books That Teach Social-Emotional Intelligence | There are some great books out there about feelings, empathy and being socially aware for all ages.
People Watch | I do this mainly with my toddler, but anytime there is another toddler or baby crying or laughing, I ask my little guy, “How is she feeling right now?”
Color by Number | A friend of mine got coloring sheets from the Dollar Spot at Target that teach emotional intelligence! There are colors assigned to different emotions. Then, every day, she discusses with her daughter how she feels. She picks an emotion and colors one section of the picture. At the end of the month, she could see all the different emotions she was feeling. What a great way to bring emotional awareness!
Watch and Pause | Watch a show together and randomly pause it. Point out the characters and ask what kind of emotion they are displaying.
Big Life Journal | Learning to journal while kids are young is a great way to get in touch with what’s going on inside.
Draw Emotions | Use a coloring sheet to teach your kids how to draw different facial expressions.

Step 4: Communicate Empathy and Understanding

Children do best when they feel like they have ideas that are valued, they can solve their own problems and they know you trust in their abilities.

And don’t we all just want to be loved and feel understood?

We can feel like we are pouring all this love on our kids but if they don’t also feel like we get them, there’s a missing link.

When a child is lashing out or not acting in a way you would like, there’s this common thinking that validating his or her feelings mean you are giving in or allowing the child to get away with something. After reading about the brain, neurotransmitters and how neural pathways are formed, this thinking is incorrect. And I see it in my own home every day.

Understanding feelings is not condoning defiant behavior.

It’s MUCH easier for a child to behave in an appropriate manner or follow rules if they feel validated.

What has helped me is putting myself in my child’s shoes and asking, “Would I like it if someone spoke to me that way or downplayed my beliefs?”

Oftentimes, we unintentionally treat kids in a way that we would never want to be treated especially when we are experiencing uncomfortable emotions.

Here are a Few Ways Your Child Will Feel Like You Care:

Acknowledge feelings without judgment. We need to keep our own opinions as opinions. Allow your child to make her own decisions.
Share the message that the way he is feeling is not only okay but accepted. It’s as if you give your child permission to experience whatever emotion he has at the time.
Be sensitive to his or her feelings. Don’t brush off how he or she feels just because you think it is silly or it doesn’t make any sense to you.
Once you show them you are aware of how they are feeling, connect with how you have felt that way one time. This piece has been very helpful with my kids.

develop emotional intelligence in your child

Step 5: Set Limits and Problem Solve

This one is my FAVORITE piece for developing emotional intelligence!

Over time my kids have started coming up with solutions without my help making me realize how important this is to teach.

Because I’m a control freak, I naturally want to come in and solve my kids’ problems for them. If we do this too much, they become unable to see problems and are unable to work through them without your help. Then they get to adulthood and every slight problem is an astronomical crisis. Do you know anyone like that?

Also, teaching kids how to solve their own problems gives them self-confidence, and makes them more independent which essentially makes them feel good about themselves, helps them become more creative and develop grit.

Great Ways to Help Your Child Problem-Solve:

Redirect | This is a superpower especially with toddlers! Redirect them for behavior that is unwanted not emotions that are uncomfortable.
Show Me The Hard Part | By asking your child to show you the hard part, it gets her to think about what she has to overcome or solve.
Teach Your Kids Problem-Solving Steps (These come from Big Life Journal)
1. What am I feeling?
2. What’s the problem?
3. What are the solutions?
4. What would happen if…?
5. Which one should I try?
Ask questions to get your child thinking
- How can you solve this?
- I see you have a problem, can you think of three ways that would fix it?
- If you do _________, what do you think would happen?
- How can I help you? This one is often a winner!
Break problems into pieces | Help your child come up with ways to solve each piece of the puzzle.

Last Step

The last step to emotional intelligence is to love your children hard.

In your actions and words, communicate to your kids that you are on their side. You want them to succeed and you are doing your best to understand and respect their thoughts and feelings, not forcing them to be who you want them to be.

I love the word “coach” because that implies that we have skills and lessons to teach.

This is a lot of information so I created a printable with all the nuts and bolts that you can hang in your office or on the fridge!

Comment below if you have any questions! Thank you for joining me on your parenting journey.

April 10, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 12 Comments

Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What We Can Do Instead

We were at the pediatrician for our baby boy’s well-check. Because we were first-time parents, my husband came to every appointment.

With each visit, we had a ton of questions. We wanted to make sure our little guy was hitting the appropriate developmental milestones.

The doctor walked in. Before she could slide across the floor on her rolly stool, she started going through her checklist.

He’s (finally) at a great weight and almost off the charts for height. Phew. Is he sleeping at least 11 hours at night? Does 13 count? Does he have a well-balanced diet? Check. He should start toilet training within the year. Sticker charts work great for this. Got it. Is he active? Oooooh yes! Does he understand commands? Yeppers.

We were feeling pretty thankful for our healthy little guy.

I can’t remember everything she said. I only recall her ending our little talk with how we should be praising him at least 20 times a day. My husband and I looked at each other beaming with pride. We praised him at least triple that number PER day and the charts were already purchased.

He was going to be the most successful kid on the planet.

Or so we thought.

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Fast forward six years later, my husband was getting LASIK surgery. To pass the time, I was pushing our littlest guy in the stroller around the medical complex. My wireless headphones were cranking with a podcast where Jessica Lahey of The Gift of Failure was being interviewed.

The host and Jessica started talking about how praise can deter kids from accomplishments. They started talking about extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. Names like Dan Pink, Alfie Kohn, and Dr. Carol Dweck were mentioned. Immediately, I made note of these books I now needed to read.

It was like I got hit by a hurricane.

Did They Just Say Praise Was Bad?

Back. Up. The. Train.

I was in complete shock.

There was a cacophony of thoughts running through my mind…

I’m not supposed to praise my kid?

…but the doctor said…

How else are they going to be confident?

…but my kids need to know when they’re doing well. …Don’t they?

NOOOOOO…NOT THE STICKER CHARTS!

I MADE THEM LOOK SO PRETTY. They work so well! …Or I guess when we first started they did and as long as we kept changing them up.

But, but, but….

When I thought about how a child doesn’t need to be told a good job because when they do a good job it is self-evident, the puzzle was beginning to come together. Instead, a child needs to be told why what he did was a good job so he can continue to duplicate that behavior.

Their valid points made me thirsty for the results of all the research done on praise. And more importantly, how could we make the shift from turning our praise into everlasting encouragement?

I do have to say this shift has been incredibly difficult for me and especially my husband. We just can’t help but “good job” our kids to death.

Thankfully they’re still alive.

What has been put to death, however, are our sticker charts.

The Difference Between Praise and Encouragement:

To start, we need to establish that praise and encouragement are not necessarily the same thing.

Vicki Hoefle’s article on pbs.org provides a very thought-provoking definition of encouragement,

“It is an observation, an acknowledgment, a statement which focuses on effort, improvement of choice, and it helps to promote self-esteem and a sense of well-being, confidence, insight, and resilience.”

Whereas praise may leave us with nowhere to go when there is a similar situation resulting in a negative outcome.

Praise is typically a blank statement of opinion. According to the dictionary, the definition is, “The expression of approval or admiration for someone or something.” The word that should jump off the screen here is approval.

Do you see the difference? Do you see how praise could (oftentimes unintentionally) be detrimental to a child’s confidence? It can cause our kids to be dependent on our approval.

Not All Praise Is Bad

I have good news! We should still use positive communication with our kids but be intentional with the words we use.

In The Strength Switch by Dr. Lea Waters, she references a longitudinal study (this is research done over several years) conducted with late elementary to high school-age kids on the effects of positive communication.

Astoundingly, they found that low levels or the absence of positive communication had a greater risk of brain alterations. This led to kids being more susceptible to depression. The parents didn’t negatively talk to their kids, they simply didn’t use enough positive words or ideas when communicating with them.

Whereas, the kids who received high levels of positive communication had brain alterations that were associated with the enhancement of capacity for learning, decision-making, social skills, and emotional functioning. The types of positive communication that were used followed patterns that were approving, validating, affectionate, humorous, pleasant, and caring.

Doesn’t that make you want to do the latter?

Our words truly are POWERFUL! And something Dr. Waters says a few times in the book that has really stuck with me is, “Where attention goes, energy flows.”

Types of Praise

This was news to me. I thought praise was praise but actually, there are different types. You have probably guessed that some can be helpful and in more of the, ‘I’m here to encourage you’ camp, than the more damaging, ‘you need my approval’ camp.

Alfie Kohn says, “Clearly, it is worth reconsidering the use of praise if it turns out to be something we need to say more [for our benefit] than something they need to hear.”

Preach it, Alfie!

The goals of praise are related to performance, enjoyment, promoting appropriate behavior, and motivation.

Generic Praise

These are generic positive statements like we mentioned above. This is what we’ve had no trouble at all doing in our house.

It includes “good job”, “way to go”, “awesome”, “great work”, etc.

The problem with this type of praise is that it’s not attached to what the child did that was good or beneficial so it’s harder for him or her to do the same thing with the same kind of success. It focuses on the outcome instead of the process.

The reason we use this type of praise is to reinforce good behavior. However, the research shows the reverse is true. We can be sending discouraging messages because they take away from the effort our kids are putting in. Rewarding expected behaviors comes off as judgment.

In “Unconditional Parenting“, Alfie Kohn uses the example of saying “good job” to a child who is swinging by making the point that, “It’s gravity, for goodness sake!”

Oh, I can’t even begin to tell you what we have praised our kids for doing. I’m pretty sure there was a good job of wiping their butts somewhere along the way.

Person Praise

When the praise is directed at what the kid’s innate qualities are, this is called character or person praise. Examples include calling your child smart, responsible, helpful, or generous.

In Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on mindset, she has found that person-praise can lead to a fixed mindset regarding achievement.

In Carol Dweck’s findings:

If children don’t hold up to the standard of what they’ve been called – smart, intelligent, etc., then they can’t see it objectively as to what they can improve upon. And instead, think the opposite is now true.
Person praise typically leaves a person to not try as hard. He or she tends to stay away from challenges to maintain that label.
It is a short-term feel-good tactic when they are succeeding, but it affects their resilience in a negative way when they face setbacks later in life.

In studies of person-praise at home, she has found that with praise specific to morals, kids do have the growth mindset that we want to encourage.

Just the other day, I pointed out to my son that he was being responsible. He packed for camping without me asking. Then during the trip, he pridefully got his pajamas ready for bed and repeated what I had told him earlier, “Look, mom! I’m being responsible again.” By pointing out what his actions are displaying, this encouraged him to continue with those behaviors.

Process Praise

This type of praise focuses on the actions of the child. It praises the child for his or her effort, improvement, technique, or strategy. It’s praising the behaviors we want to see again.

For achievement, this is the type of praise needed to cultivate a growth mindset. It makes our kids feel good about their choices, helps them see what it takes to be successful so they can do it again, and can develop optimism and resilience for future outcomes.

Kids can become competent by realizing what happens when they do something positive instead of being told about what happens.

The one thing we have to be cautious about this type of praise is with our perfectionist son. Because of his mentality, process praise can sometimes demotivate him like other kids whose core beliefs are this way.

>>Read more: How to teach your child a new skill

How to Use Praise That Encourages Kids

Lastly, praise which is a bit of a hybrid that Dr. Lea Waters developed is what she calls strength-based praise. Because it combines both person and process praise, it transforms your words into encouragement.

To do this, you praise both character strengths (person praise) and how the strengths were used (process praise). It can look like this:

“You were very responsible (PERSON) for packing your clothes by doing it all yourself without being asked (PROCESS). You used your ability to organize (STRENGTH) to get your clothes packed in time for our trip.”

This Type of Encouragement:

Acknowledges actions. This helps them understand what they did well so they can do it again.
Acknowledges strengths such as ability, talent, skills, and positive personality traits to recognize the inner assets the child has brought to the situation. You’re showing your child how his strengths work, not just what they are.

“I believe this is because, in the more natural setting of the home, where parents likely use a mix of praise over a period of years as kids pass through various phases of identity formation and skills development, it’s the blend of praise that happens dynamically and organically over time that constructs a growth mindset. ” – Dr. Lea Waters

By making this small change of giving generic praise to both person and process, I’ve seen our kids take greater pride in what they do and repeat those behaviors like the research shows! Imagine that!

They are acknowledging what they need to make good choices and be good humans.

GOALS!

Put the Focus on What They Think

Something else I found in regards to praise was in The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-By-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World. by Amy McCready. Instead of keeping the focus on our opinion on what our kids do, flip it to see what they think.

Continuously giving approval and opinions can cause trust issues. It teaches kids to constantly look to others instead of relying on their own judgment.

This is especially true when the statement isn’t even true like telling your child who is awful at basketball that they are the best basketball player on the planet.

An easy way to do this is to ask a question like, “What do you think about the project you just created?”

A great time to do this is during a Family Meeting.

This has really helped our kids start to become proud of themselves. They no longer need to turn to us for approval for every single little thing.

“We want our kids to learn to measure their behavior by their own standards. Learning to set their own standards and being the judge of their own behavior is what actually builds positive self-esteem – not shallow “you’re the best!” from another person.” – Amy McCready

Then they can grow into adults who don’t care about what others think (as much).

Become a Sportscaster

One of the easiest ways to make sure you are encouraging instead of giving empty praise is to repeat what they just did. You are acknowledging what they are doing without attaching any opinion to it which in turn, encourages them.

For example, recently, my husband told the kids “Good job” for eating their yogurt and granola. Shifting to encouragement would look like this, “Look! You are eating all of your yogurt and granola.” Then he could expand by adding process praise by commending their responsibility and autonomy for getting it and cleaning it up without any help.

How to Make the Change from Praise to Encouragement

With all the information given above, here is a list of the practical things we can do to make the switch from praise to encouragement.

Focusing On Strengths and Process

Point out the effort or process | You will help your child’s development far more if you give process praise with nothing else.
Acknowledge the specific behavior you want to be repeated in the future and which of the strengths they used to do it |“Your attention to detail helped you organize and clean your bedroom.”
Discover your child’s core character traits and strengths so they’re easy to point out during the moment | I made a printable to help you with this! See below.
Avoid praising an innate area because they can’t control it | The research supports we should avoid praising these areas which include intelligence, appearance, athleticism, or creativity. Instead, point out areas where they do have control such as effort, attitude, responsibility, integrity, focus (unless they have attention deficits), perspective, compassion, respect, love, humility, etc. So instead of saying, “Wow you are so athletic”, praise how much effort they put in by practicing at home.
Connect their behavior to how it affects others| Praise the process and effort in showing how it made their friend, sibling or you feel.

strength-based encouragement infographic

Other Tips to Make the Shift from Praise to Encouragement

Eliminate the labels – It’s okay to point out the strength your child used to do a task but make sure it’s partnered with how they used that strength or trait.
Describe the behavior – Become a sportscaster and “report” the action or behavior they just did.
Ask questions – Instead of making a blank statement, ask how they can do the task or how they feel about the project.
Be truthful and authentic – You can over-encourage by not being completely honest. Kids can sniff this out from a mile away.
Shift the focus from “I” to “You” – Instead of, “I’m so proud of you.” Turn it into, “You must be so proud of yourself.”
Put a greater focus on the journey than the destination – Instead of only celebrating the result such as the dance recital or playoff game, connect that to the behavior that helped them get there.

Is it clicking for you yet?

Free Printables!

On the spot, I have a difficult time remembering what I should be saying. What comes out of my mouth is anything but natural. At first, I sounded so awkward as if I were a robot repeating programmed phrases.

My kids looked at me like I was so weird …because I sounded so weird. And sometimes still do.

So to help you, I thought I’d provide some phrases that you can modify. Also, by writing down each of my boys’ strengths, it’s been easier for me to be more intentional in commending them in hopes they will repeat the behavior again.

The Change We’ve Seen In Our Home

Once we started to make the switch from empty praise (and rewards), we have actually seen our kids become intrinsically motivated to help out without being nagged about it. Most of the time! And they’re excelling in certain areas far beyond expectations. Just like research shows!

One bonus result is that I’ve overheard my kids praising each other’s effort and encouraging their friends in ways that really make them feel good or want to repeat that behavior.

Now that deserves a little dance.

How Do You Encourage Your Child?

I would love to hear how you encourage your child!!!! Or what I can add to my repertoire. Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com.

Understanding Behavior Problems in Kids

What Are Behavior Problems?

Common Behavior Problems at Different Ages

Toddlers & Preschoolers (Ages 2-5)

Elementary-Aged Kids (Ages 6-9)

Tweens & Teens (Ages 10-17)

Brain Development & Emotional Regulation

What This Means for Parents:

Calm Down Toolkit Download

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Unmet Needs & Stress Responses

Common Triggers for Behavior Challenges:

What This Means for Parents:

Parent-Child Dynamics: How Your Reaction Shapes Behavior

What This Means for Parents:

Behavior Problems Are a Signal, Not Just a “Bad Attitude”

Why Traditional Discipline Often Makes Behavior Problems Worse

Why Punishment-Based Approaches Do NOT Work

Short-Term Compliance vs. Long-Term Skill-Building

5 Practical Strategies for Parenting Kids With Behavior Problems

1. Regulate Yourself Before Addressing Behavior

2. Connection Over Correction

How Validation Leads to Cooperation

Example Phrases to Use When a Child Is Escalating

3. Teach Skills Instead of Reacting to Problems

4. Empower Your Child With Autonomy and Choices

Why Giving Choices Works

How to Offer Choices Effectively

5. Get Support: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone!

How Parent Coaching Helps with Behavior Problems

What You’ll Learn in Parent Coaching

From Frustration to Connection: A Parenting Transformation

You Are Not Alone

What I Wish I Knew When My Son Was a High Energy Toddler

Get Your Free Hyperactive Kid Toolkit!

Thank you!

The Inner-workings of a Child’s Brain

How to Look Underneath the Surface

The Difference Between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Children

Connection is More Important Than Correction

How to Make Self-Care a Priority!

A Note To The Mama With a High Energy Toddler (Who May Be Driving You a Little Bonker Balls)

What To Do If You Have a High Energy Toddler

Download Your Free Hyperactive Kids Toolkit

Hyperactivity Signs and Signals

Parenting Strategies

Calm Down Toolkit

Get Your Free Hyperactive Kid Toolkit!

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Does Your Toddler Have a Ton of Energy?

Rupture and Repair

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

1. Calm Down

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

On The Laundry Room Floor

Get Your Free Emotion Coach Printable!

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Then Something Happened…

Get Your Free Strengths Toolkit!

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To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

The Truth

The Secret To Getting Kids to Listen

Connecting Before Correcting Behavior

Why Should We Connect Before We Correct Our Children?

How Does Connection Happen?

1. Let the Past Go

2. Be a Detective

3. Watch Your Tone!

4. Proactively Connect

Get Your Free Family Meeting Agenda!

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What Are the Ways You Connect?

Pressure During Christmas

What Is Anxiety?

Calm Down Toolkit Download

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Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs