Raising Kids With Purpose

Creating a Strong Family Culture

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The Importance of Creative Kids

Inside: I wanted to figure out about the world of creative kids – what creativity even is, what makes a child creative, how to cultivate creativity at home, and how to raise kids who are curious about their world and use that creativity for good.

This is also a kick-off to a mini-series on creative projects we have been working on during quarantine! All the other posts in the series are linked at the bottom of this post.

“The future belongs to a very different kind of person with a very different kind of mind—creators and empathizers, pattern recognizers, and meaning makers.”

― Daniel H. Pink, A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future

My boys and I were all sitting around the kitchen table starting school for the day. One was working on the computer. Another son was writing his word and sentence of the day.

My toddler hasn’t started school yet so he was getting ready to create art. I put an over-sized piece of paper, stamps, markers, scissors, and a box of colorful masking tape in front of him.

He started out by writing on the paper and putting tape on it, which is what I expected for him to do. But after leaving him alone for a few minutes, he did something else.

Grabbing all the rolls of purple, green, pink, blue, white, yellow, and black tape, he began to stack them up to make a huge tower. After he ran out of rolls, he used a marker as his sword watching the tape disperse all over the table (and his brother’s schoolwork).

This went on for a good 40 minutes!

Then after that activity, he proceeded to dig through the costume bin to find a Vikings helmet. Instead of becoming a Viking, he took one of the horns out, turned the helmet around, and became a rhino!

creative kids

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here. 

I couldn’t help but start to think about creative kids, what creativity is, how parents can cultivate creativity at home, what hinders creativity, and how useful creativity is in life.

Also, I’m a huge proponent of makerspaces and STEM projects so I figured I’d kick off a Creative Kids Series of projects we have been working on with this post on creative children.

What is Creativity?

Before learning about child and brain development, when I heard the word creativity, I thought of drawing, painting, writing, making music, and making crafts. However, it’s so much more than crayons, markers, and glue when you look at different disciplines that study it.

By definition, creativity means, “the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination.

Wowzas! That’s loaded.

I’m a visual person so this infographic made it easier for me to grasp.

creative kids

Cognitive science defines creativity as a characteristic that produces new and useful ideas. The kicker is for it to ascend from imaginative to creative means that the idea isn’t just thought of but acted upon. Creativity is both thinking and producing. 

Positive Psychology views creativity as a core character strength and synonymous with originality and ingenuity. The definition is similar to what I stated above in which it says that creativity is the ability to come up with novel and productive ideas in order to conceptualize and achieve goals. 

When it comes to creative kids, the way I think about it is perfectly stated in this quote by Maria Montessori,

“Nothing should be given to the brain that is not first given to the hand.”

When kids can take an idea and touch it, mold it, and explore deeper, creativity begins to emerge.

creative writing for kids

Why Creativity is Imperative

Hands down, creativity is important for children whether they are born creative or not because it helps with self-expression and supports emotional and mental health. 

Being able to tap into creativity increases the quality of a child’s life all the way into adulthood. It is actually proven to increase longevity as well. 

Kathryn Haydon, author of “Creativity For Everybody” says, “Creativity as a strength is fail-safe because everybody is creative. To be human is to be creative. Creative strengths are human qualities that support creative thinking. Every person has unique strengths in creativity even if a person knows they have them or not.”

Creativity gives all people young and old confidence and tools to live a fulfilling life. If I asked you right now what you want for your child as he or she becomes an adult, I’m sure the answer would something along the lines of “be happy.” 

Creativity is the gateway to that happiness if used in a positive way.

The Importance of Creative Kids

Kids are either born creative with divergent, imaginative, out-of-the-box thinking or they are not. However, children can learn how to be creative even if they are not naturally wired that way. 

Characteristics of Creative Kids:

Creative kids tend to have:

  • Creativity awareness
  • Independent thought and the need to do things differently
  • Insight (a-ha moments)
  • Significant and detailed imagination
  • More open-minded thoughts towards the opposition
  • Self-actualized abilities
  • A love for abstract objects and thoughts
  • Strong work ethic 
  • Innocence
  • The ability to make unusual connections between unrelated ideas
  • The ability to rearrange ideas to create new ideas or things
  • Endless amount of ideas or solutions
  • Unusual sense of humor
  • An inquisitive mind 
  • A need to challenge adults
creative toddler

Allow your creative kids to push boundaries but remember to set limits! Provide environments that allow for positive expression in those qualities. 

Creativity can manifest both in positive and negative ways. When kids are creative in a negative way, redirect that into a positive. 

One example of negative creativity is drawing on the walls. Redirect that behavior by painting a walk with chalk paint so they can use chalk (only on that wall, of course!) or dry erase paint to use markers (which may be a little riskier). 

How to Cultivate Creativity At Home

Creativity cannot be taught, but we parents sure can cultivate it in our kids!

To start, we need to be aware of creativity. Hopefully you are now if you’ve gotten this far. We also need to embrace novelty and new ideas, ways of thinking, mess and projects. 

Offer Choices and Opportunities

Any chance you get, offer your child a choice. This can be from what your toddler wants to wear for the day or what activity your elementary child wants to do if they are bored. Kids thrive on being autonomous so let them run free within the limits and values you have set for your family. 

In addition to choice, present creative opportunities as often as you can such as: 

  • Have materials on hand in an easy to reach spot (as long as your child is responsible enough to use those materials). 
  • Include creative time into your daily routine or summer schedule. 
  • Help your child learn how to play a musical instrument through choosing a school that teaches it, sign him or her up for lessons, or teach it yourself. You can also try Piano For All or Rocket Ukulele).
  • Take your child to museums or makerspaces.
  • Choose a school that celebrates creativity.
  • Sign your child up for (free or paid) art lessons (check out Creative Bug), coding classes (like UCode) or robotics classes.
  • Take your child to the library to pick out books on creative mediums he or she is interested in.
  • And more!

Embrace the Mess and Ambiguity! 

Just like with, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby with a baby carriage”, with creativity, it’s, “First comes creativity then comes exploration and invention, next comes a huge mess in a chaotic environment.” I know it doesn’t rhyme but you get the point. Ha! 

In all honesty, exploration, inventive thinking, and creation comes with messes that we should embrace. 

raising creative kids

An important part of this is to make sure you give your creative child the tools to clean up when appropriate. Cleaning and organization require executive function skills which many creative kids typically are developmentally delayed in acquiring.

That doesn’t mean they should leave messes everywhere though! Instead, work with and teach your disorganized creative child the skills he or she needs to organize and clean up after him or herself! 

My creative child cannot organize his thoughts let alone organize a room so instead of getting frustrated, we have come up with a system to work together. Because honestly, it would be way easier if I just did it myself.

Related: 4 Easy Steps For Teaching Life Skills to Kids

Provide a Workspace or Area For Creative Time

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law transformed their formal dining room into a process art studio. It is the coolest space I’ve ever seen in a home. They have incredibly gifted and creative children who FLOURISH and stay busy for hours in that room. 

Unfortunately, we don’t have space in our home, but we do have a way to turn our kitchen table into a little creative space. 

Back Off! 

Of course, I’m saying that in the most loving way from a friend to a friend.

In order to foster creativity in our kids, we need to give them the space to be creative.

Have you ever found yourself correcting a piece of art they are making to look exactly like the protocol or telling your kids what they are doing wrong? With creativity, there is no right or wrong, and the more we interfere with the process, the less creative our kids can be.  

Creative Kids Have Special Strengths

Another reason why creative kids are important and why we should be celebrating them instead of sending them to the back of the room in a classroom or getting frustrated is because of the strengths that lie within their soul. 

I recently connected with Kathryn Haydon of “The Non-Obvious Guide to Being Creative” who also fights for people’s strengths in this deficit focused world. She has a Creative Strengths Spotter using Gary Davis’s extensive research on creative characteristics. 

I wanted to include it in this post so you can find out what your child’s super power is!

Often times creative characteristics can be seen as a problem or challenge (especially in a traditional classroom!). Instead, help your child figure out what strengths he or she beholds and you will see confidence, new ideas, more adaptability to change, and you will watch your child rise above the status quo.

When kids feel understood and heard, the unwanted behaviors dissolve and the good choices rise. 

Read Next: How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

The 16 Creative Strengths

creative strengths in kids

As you can see, characteristics of creative kids are also mostly core creative strengths. 

Creative Kids Can Change The World

When creativity is harnessed and fostered in a way that celebrates instead of alienates kids, magical things can really happen. 

Children can use their powers for good and be a big bright shining light in the darkest parts of the world we live in. 

What Are You Doing To Foster Creativity In Your Child’s Life? 

I would love to know how creativity is released in your home. And as always, I’m incredibly thankful if you share this with your mom groups or on social media. Thank you!!!

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Check Out These Other Posts In The Creative Kids Series:

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10 Ways To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Inside: Being silent does not raise children who value all people and races, instead it can encourage racism. Here are 10 ways to encourage parents to avoid raising racist kids.

Growing up with friends from different races and cultures, I was ignorant about thef adversity they had to face. It wasn’t until my first college English Writing class that my eyes opened a bit more.

One of the topics of discussion we had towards the beginning of the semester was on racism. The class was predominantly filled with white students. A (white) girl who raised her hand ignorantly said something along the lines of, “The first time I saw a black person, I didn’t know what to do.”

My face immediately felt hot with anger and my heart filled with sadness. I typically run away from controversy but at this moment, I was overcome with a feeling of wanting to jump over her desk and shake her. I couldn’t sit there listening to her ramble about how unsafe she felt although the person was just walking down the street.

I spoke up and asked, “What in the world do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What if I walked in here with a paper bag on my head and you couldn’t tell what my skin looked like? Would you be scared?”

avoid raising racist kids

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I was so confused.

It made absolutely no sense to me why one person would be judged so harshly only because of what they looked like or who their ancestors were.

I was confused but also so naive. And I was ignorant for not realizing what this country was founded on. My knowledge was only based on what I learned in school, which hasn’t been the whole truth, right? I was never shaken to the core with the truth.

Although I had these feelings of wanting to stand up for my fellow human beings of different races, I really didn’t know how to. I was taught to be kind to all people but not didn’t know a lot about racism or how to fight against it.

Now that I have children of my own and they are old enough to use their voices to make a difference, I am learning how to teach anti-racism and how to educate my children about what some of their friends have to face that they most likely never will. I don’t want to raise racist kids who inadvertently grow up with unintentional or intentional racist thoughts or actions.

We have also been focusing a lot on developing empathy. What it is, how to put ourselves in other’s shoes, and why it matters.

In our city where we are raising our kids, 84.2% of the population is white, almost 6% black, 3.5% other, 2.6% Asian, 3% more than one race, and less than 1% Native American. The surrounding cities’ demographics are also similar to ours.

So basically, we are raising white boys in a predominantly white area.

I have been cognizant about partaking in our city’s MLK Day Celebration and listening to black preachers and speakers talk about equality and the work of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Additionally, although I didn’t realize it the first time we went, I often take my boys to a barbershop where most of the barbers are black. Any time we have been, we are the only white people waiting and I’m usually the only female. But…

Is making an effort to be around people of color enough?

No! It’s not.

This is why I need to figure out what my role is in raising anti-racist kids. I need to stop only giving the message of, “love all people and kindness wins” as I have been doing.

I need to stop being afraid of not saying the right thing or offending someone for fighting too hard or not fighting hard enough.

I need to stop feeling like I can’t do anything because I am white.

I need to stop (unintentionally) being colorblind.

I need to stop being fearful of everyone’s opinion and instead, live out what I know to be true and love all people in addition to standing up and fighting for what is right.

What Does It Mean To Be An Anti-Racist?

In order to understand what an anti-racist is, let’s look at what the dictionary says a racist is.

A racist is “a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that one’s own racial group is superior or that a particular racial group is inferior to the others.” Racism is defined as “hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.”

Even though I claim to not be a racist, I have had thoughts of racism without even realizing it. My eyes fill with tears as I reread that sentence.

I have to work hard to uncover where those thoughts are coming from and refrain from letting them manifest into something bigger.

Culture is a huge culprit as well as media exposure and honestly, policies in this country. I didn’t even realize how much I make general assumptions instead of focusing on individual behavior. Worst yet, I’m modeling that for my children.

To be an anti-racist is much more than just saying, “I’m not a racist.”

I recently listened to Brene Brown’s interview with Dr. Ibram X. Kendi about his book, “How to Be An Antiracist.” Much of what they both talked about really resonated and opened my eyes to the difference of not being a racist and being an anti-racist. What I gathered is there is no in-between. No gray area. Either you are or you aren’t and it takes hard work to rise above and distinguish racist idealogy and thoughts.

To be anti-racist means to move beyond saying you’re not racist and instead adopting and acting on antiracist views and beliefs. Kendi says, “What an anti-racist does first and foremost is identify racial inequities.”

Lastly, to be an anti-racist means that you need to let go of any racist thoughts and take action.

How To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Before I get into the resources that will help our family practice anti-racism and not only focus on not being racist, I want to mention that I am working on being as authentically real as my soul will allow with every word.

If I pose a question or seem ignorant, it’s because I am and I want to learn more.

My OCD causes me to digest as much information as possible, but in this instance, there is so much of “I don’t know what I don’t know“.

Please feel free to comment below this post and add whatever other information that will help me and other parents become more purposeful in how we teach our kids about racism.

If you are in the same boat and don’t even know where to start, here are 10 ways to avoid raising racist kids. Also included are ways to teach your kids about anti-racism to empower them to stand up for what’s right.

1. Educate Yourself

This is it!

We must start with US!

The work begins in us before we even open our mouths to speak to our kids. This goes for everything in parenting. Not only do we have nothing to give when our emotional cup is empty, but we also have nothing to give if we lack knowledge or wisdom.

For me, I first start by diving deep into God’s word and praying for my brothers and sisters.

Because of current events happening in our country around racial injustice, there is an abundant amount of resources helping parents navigate this topic.

Out of all the articles and videos I watched, the one that I found with the most valuable place to start is from Dr. Jazmine of the Mom Psychologist.

She strongly suggests that we parents put on our own oxygen masks first. She says, “We need to work on unlearning and relearning what we need to know because we cannot start this conversation about race until we have first started it with ourselves.”

In her video on How to Be a White Ally: How White Shame is Getting In the Way, she talks about sitting in the discomfort then using those emotions and feelings to take action. Don’t allow the discomfort or shame of not doing something in the past keep you in that same place. Instead, rise up and do the work.

Being a highly sensitive and empathic person, this work is extra difficult for me. I can’t help but feel intense emotions as I digest the information. The tears don’t stop. But instead of allowing myself to flee from those uncomfortable feelings, I’m making a conscious decision to be gloriously ruined so I can grow through the pain.

Also, remember to give yourself time. Unpacking your mental model of what race is and what you do about racism took years to develop so it may take years to unravel enough to do something about it.

This is an on-going process. Never stop learning.

Here are some people and resources that have been helpful for me so far on my journey to be an antiracist:

important conversations with kids

2. Talk About Race and Racism

Start early and do it often.

Having “the talk” one time about difficult topics isn’t effective. Only one conversation negates the importance or makes it seem taboo.

Many white parents neglect to talk about race. The reason is that they probably don’t even think about it or they don’t find it necessary.

Look around. It’s a conversation that can not be nor should be avoided.

How To Talk About Racism to Kids

When talking to your kids about race, be direct and specific. Point out differences in a positive light. Celebrate the differences of others that you see when reading books, while out in public, at school, or even watching a show.

Parents Magazine has a great age-by-age guide that walks you through how to talk to kids about racism starting very young.

  • Ages 0-6: Expose your child to other races and cultures. If you don’t live in a diverse area, study other cultures together. If a need for conversation around racism or bigotry arises, do it but in a developmentally appropriate way by labeling emotions and giving basic facts. Remember silence is worse than saying too much.
  • Ages 6-8: Conversations around racism may be a little easier at this age. Give your child the space to ask questions and express their curiosity. It is suggested that you use simple language, are honest and don’t over do it.
  • Ages 9-11: Don’t allow kids to hear about scary events from TV or the internet. Instead, be the person that informs them what is going on. When discussing racism with this age group, keep the language neutral.
  • Teens: Say something if you observe your teenagers engaging in racist thoughts or acts. Be cautious to keep the conversation open and help your teen think about concepts he or she has never thought about before.

Go with your gut and attune to where your child is in his or her understanding. The main point is to speak up instead of stay silent.

3. Read Books Together

As soon as I realized that I needed to step up my game in raising anti-racist kids, I logged onto the city’s library portal to request some books so we can start reading together.

I also added Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning to my Amazon cart since there were so many pending requests from the library.

We have some others from this list we are wanting to add to our bookshelf as well.

teaching kids empathy through books

4. Teach Your Child How to Listen

Being a good listener is stinking hard. We are wired to voice our opinions, maybe offer help and be heard. Listening takes more work.

The best way to teach our kids to listen well is to be a good listener ourselves. Use eye contact, positive body language, and be fully present. Then point out those traits of being a good listener when trying to understand other people.

Have discussions around how much can be learned simply from listening without making judgments. Wyoming Early Childhood Network has a great infographic that teaches kids how to become good listeners.

5. Support People of Color and Other Races

Buy books from authors of all races, watch movies with diverse casts and/or directed by people of color, listen to music from other cultures, and attend plays or concerts with diverse casts or artists.

>> Looking for books to read with your kids or encourage them to read? Check out these lists of books I curated on parenting and teaching kids about diversity and race on Bookshop.

6. Diversify Your Friend Group

If you live in an area like we do, this is harder to do. It would be akward and rude to go searching specifically for moms of different races simply because of the color of their skin. However, don’t just stick to your bubble. Join mom or parent groups, get involved in your child’s school, or get your child involved in sports so they can meet new people.

In addition to diversifying your friend group, speak up in your current circle of influence. I’ll keep saying this, but silence reinforces racism.

7. Guide Your Children’s Curiosity About Race

Psychological research has discovered that kids as young as three-years-old start assigning meaning to race and other people’s color of skin.

There are a few reasons for this.

First, they engage in essentialist reasoning which is when they begin to categorize people.

They also notice class-race-patterns.

Last, children (and people of all ages) experience biases that cause them to navigate towards people who look and act like them. This ingroup bias can start as young as three. Another bias called “high-status bias” starts to develop around age four or five, which is when they show preferences for people who are of higher-status groups.

Having this understanding, we need to guide our kids’ experiences with people from other social groups, races, and cultures by teaching them to celebrate similarities AND differences.

When your child asks you an honest question about the color of their friend’s skin or texture of their hair because it’s different than his or her’s, don’t shut down the conversation. Instead, use your child’s curiosity to teach and ask questions that engage him or her into a deeper conversation.

Figure out what’s underneath the surface of the question or spark of curiosity. Ask yourself,

  • “What is my child noticing about race?”
  • “What is making him or her think in that way?”
  • “What are they really saying or asking?”
  • “What did they mean by that?”
  • “Where did they hear that?”
  • You can also ask your child to explain what they mean and see if they have the words to express their thoughts. You may be surprised.

While writing this, my eight-year-old was asking why I was reading so many articles and watching many videos. He was truly shocked that people would be treated differently because of the color of their skin. He also had a ton of questions about where the color comes from and if he could become black because he prefers that skin tone. So we started by looking up diagrams of skin to learn about melanin. Just with those two questions, we were able to unveil what racism is, how to spot it, and what to do about it. I was able to take his curiosity and guide him to learn more in an unbiased way.

empower change

8. Make Visual and Tactile Connections That Empower Change

A brain is an association machine. This is why stories and analogies resonate better with people than straight-up facts. Find ways to visually demonstrate what racism does and why it’s important to fight against it.

One visual I came across was to have kids unravel a ball of yarn to create a tangled spider web. Once they are finished, the kids untangle the web. This visual illustration is then used to explain how much harder it is to untangle a web than it is to make which is very similar to how much harder it is to fix the unfairness that has been in this country for so long.

9. Teach Empathy

Empathy, empathy, empathy.

Empathy is declining in youth today making it even more important that we take the time to teach it.

Many well-intended parents talk about racial inequity as if people like Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and other civil rights activists fixed it, making everything right again. Racial inequity is sometimes talked about as if it only happened in the past. Although things are different today, racism still exists. Biases are still embedded in our culture. Racist policies still exist and people are still not treated equally or as if their culture matters. We must keep all of this in mind as we teach empathy, self-awareness and gratitude.

Ask your kids what they think it would be like to be judged for how they look. Point out how others are feeling based on what they say and the expressions on their faces.

We love the podcast, Imagine Neighborhood. It’s written specifically for kids to help them grow their social-emotional skills. I often reference some of their episodes when discussing empathy to help my kids understand better.

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10. Advocate & Take Action

We often tell our kids we are all equal, but stop the conversation there. Instead, we need to model and show how to be an advocate. Take a stand against racism. our children have the power to be agents of change for all cultures.

On NBC’s Parent Toolkit, the author states, “An important part of being an advocate is not just saying people are equal, but acting in a way that reflects that thinking.”

Here are some practical ways you can be an advocate and in turn, teach your children how to advocate and take action:

celebrate differences

Join Me In Raising Anti-Racist Kids

My eyes have been opened so much wider as I devoured everything I read and saw in researching for this post.

We can’t stay silent.

Instead, we need to talk and talk often to our kids about fighting for what’s right. Saying, “everyone should be equal or love all people,” is no longer enough. If a fire has been lit in your heart like mine, I encourage you to share this post or comment on your thoughts below.

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Picking the Best Summer Schedule for Kids | 8 Free Printables

Inside: Learn how to have a stress-free summer with these summer schedules and routines for kids. Don’t forget to scroll to the bottom to download your free printables!

It’s that time of year that every kid loves, SUMMER!

Although the end of school looked drastically different this year, it was still school and learning had to get done. With summer, kids can let loose and be kids. Play all day with no cares in the world.

But what happens when there are no plans or schedules? 

Siblings fight more, unwanted behaviors rise, the whining is on a nonstop loop, sleep starts to dwindle and life just doesn’t feel so carefree and full of summer fun anymore. 

The reason this happens is that kids thrive on routines. They need to know what’s next and it helps if they have something to look forward to. Children also feel safe and secure when their lives are predictable. 

Also having some kind of plan to your week helps create deeper longlasting memories. Since we live in a very hot place, we need to have things to do and places to go so we’re not trapped inside for three months straight. We can be outdoors as long as water is involved because well, 110+ degrees. 

summer schedule for kids

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here. 

The Importance of A Summer Schedule for Kids

Although we don’t want to overpack our kids’ schedules, knowing what to do in summer vacation with some kind of routine is incredibly beneficial.

Developmental research shows that routines decrease stress which then leads to better behavior and increased happiness. 

Also, when kids know what is next in their day, many of the tasks become habits. And habits require less mental energy. It’s like putting the brain on auto-pilot to preserve energy in order to complete complicated tasks that require more intellect or brainpower. 

Giving kids healthy and reasonable expectations encourages healthy habits that lead to optimal brain growth. 

Flexibility is also important within the routines which is why having a schedule that has slight changes each day or week is ideal. 

Lastly, if kids are used to a daily routine, disrupting this can cause even more stress. Remember, the more stress we’re adding to our kids’ brains, the more unwanted behaviors we are bound to see. 

routine charts for kids

Want to print our free morning and evening routine chart? Just sign up here, get them delivered to your inbox, download, and print! From time to time we might send you other stuff we think you’ll enjoy!

How to Implement a Summer Schedule and Routine 

What exactly is the difference between a schedule and a routine? 

Routines are tasks or activities that are done without planning because they recur daily. Whereas, a schedule includes activities, tasks, or events that are planned out and typically written down.

For a stress-free fun summer with kids, I think both are important to have. A routine that includes tasks in the same order every day in addition to scheduled activities or events.

There are many different ways you can implement a summer schedule for kids.

Instead of providing you with one kind of schedule or routine, I have made many different styles and types that you can fully customize. You have the option to pick what schedules will work best for your family! Click here to sign up and get them delivered to your inbox!

How to Pick a Summer Schedule and Routine

First, when picking what your summer will look like, make sure you involve your kids in the process!

Plan it during a Family Meeting! The more skin your kids have in the game, the more willing they may be to participate and have fun. 

Here are some things to consider when creating your routines and schedules:

Age of Children

A routine for a toddler may look different than a routine or schedule for a school-aged, preteen or teenager! *Teens may not be interested in following your summer schedule and that’s okay, but it doesn’t hurt to encourage them to be part of some of your plans. Or have them complete a checklist (like one of the printables you can download).

Temperament and Personalities

You may have one child who HAS to get out of the house and another who is easily overstimulated so he or she prefers to stay home. Pick a schedule and routine that is a compromise for everyone. 

Interests

Keep everyone’s interests in mind while picking what to do for your summer schedule. Don’t worry about pleasing everyone all the time. Instead, have special days such as “YOU PICK” day that rotates between kids.

Sleep

If your kids want to stay up a little later, make sure they are getting up a little later too! Sleep is imperative to brain development and the lack of sleep is becoming an epidemic. Be mindful of how many hours of sleep your kids need and do what it takes to help them get enough. 

sleep chart for kids

Cost 

When planning activities, think about and budget for the cost.

Thankfully, there are so many free activities for kids to do such as swimming at your neighborhood pool, going to library events, local parks and playgrounds, playdates, dispersed camping, etc.

What we did last year was found year-long memberships that were reduced in price through promotions or sites like Groupon. This cut down on costs a lot as we frequented the water park, Science Center and indoor play places.

Self-Care for YOU!

This is not as obvious but we need to make sure within these routines and schedules that we don’t forget to take care of ourselves as parents. Personally, I do a modified version of The Miracle Morning.

I have been able to stick to my own routine hours before my kids wake up, but for you, your self-care time may be during your kids’ nap or quiet time. If you don’t have a built-in quiet time, I highly recommend incorporating one into your summer routine as well.

Again, this time can be for you as much as it for your kids! 

Since we avoid screens as much as possible because my boys’ nervous systems just can’t handle it and it’s not worth the battles, they love to do projects from companies like Kiwi Crate (use code SHARE30 for 30% off) and Little Passports. And Legos are always a winner, too, of course!

Pssst… if you are running on empty, I have a Free eBook that walks you through how to take care of yourself so you have more to give to your family. Implementing these concepts have seriously been life-changing for me!

Schedule & Routine Ideas: What to Do In Summer Vacation

There are so many different ways you can make a summer schedule and daily/weekly routine. I have made printables of the different types that you can download here!!

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Block Schedules For Kids 

Although block schedule has “schedule” in the name, it is actually a way to help you keep a consistent daily routine by scheduling activities and tasks within blocks of time. The blocks remain the same every day; the activities and tasks typically change.

Sample Block Schedule

  • 7:00am – 9:00am (Block 1): MORNING ROUTINE – Get dressed, eat, brush teeth, get ready for the day
  • 9:00am – 12:00pm (Block 2): FUN ACTIVITY – Go somewhere fun or plan something to do at home on days you don’t feel like going anywhere. 
  • 12:00pm – 1:00pm (Block 3): LUNCH & CLEAN – Eat and clean up the kitchen.
  • 1:30pm – 4:00pm (Block 4:): QUIET TIME – Nap, rest, quiet or room time.
  • 4:00pm – 6:00pm (Block 5): DINNER – Prepare and eat dinner then clean up after dinner.
  • 6:00pm – 8:00pm (Block 6): BEDTIME ROUTINE – Hang out, read, prepare for bedtime.

Activity Block Schedules

Another way to do a block schedule is to do the same activity in a certain block every day. 

I made a few different activity block schedules that you can customize. 

Master Activity List By Category

The first block schedule I created is inspired by Modern Minimalism! She created a master list of activities and tasks, then grouped them all into categories like help, move, create, etc.

For the daily schedule, kids pick an activity under each category to do during that block of time.

Daily Routine with a Mind, Body, Soul Focus

I often see these kinds of lists for kids to complete before they get screen-time. It ensures they are filling their minds and bodies with good things first. 

The blocks in this schedule can be divided into 1.) Wake Up 2. ) Late Morning 3.) Afternoon and 4.) Evening

Wake up tasks include everything that has to do with care:

Late Morning tasks include activities for the body such as: 

  • Ride bike
  • Exercise
  • Jump on the trampoline
  • Swim
  • Hike
  • Play with friends

Afternoon tasks include ways to build the brain such as: 

Evening tasks are whatever needs to happen to end the day or wind down:

Daily Checklist

I got this idea from one of my favorite parenting podcasts, Sunshine Parenting with Audrey Monke.

Instead of focusing on a specific schedule, your kids need to check off everything on the list each day. They can do the activities whenever they want as long as they get done. This kind of list is especially great for older kids and teenagers who don’t rely on you as much.

Summer Bucket List Schedules

I love the idea of having a summer bucket list although we have never done it. If you don’t know what a bucket list is, it’s a collection of aspirations, goals and dreams someone would like to accomplish before they leave this earth. This concept can be applied to kids and what they want to do in summer break.

There are different ways you can do a bucket list. You can pick from a huge list of activities like you can find on Busy Mom Smart Mom (Ultimate Summer Bucket List for Kids: 100+ Ways to Beat the Heat) or you can do a weekly bucket list schedule which includes places they want to go to and things they want to do; goals can be incorporated into the schedule as well. 

I’ve seen many bloggers make each day of the week a theme that starts with the same letter as that day of the week. Just check Pinterest! There are some very creative schedules out there! 

I created my own version of a summer bucket list printable for you as well!

Daily Summer Schedule and To-Do’s

Some families prefer to mix it up or change their schedule depending on the day. I’ve included a section for the schedule of events and tasks, gratitude, priorities, and meals.

You can either print out a new one to use every day or laminate it so you can reuse over and over again. I love my laminator!

Good Ol’ Weekly Schedule

This is what our family has been using until we decide what we want our blocks to be. It’s super simple to use! I laminated ours so we could reuse every week.

Every night, we figure out what we are going to do the following day and fill in the schedule. I keep it on the fridge so it’s super easy for the kids to see. They can also add to it!

Weekly Themed Schedules

One last way you can structure your summer schedule for kids can be adapted from summer camp!

Each week has a theme and with a general block schedule already in place, the activities and tasks you do will revolve around that theme. Here are super fun themed schedules:

  • Camp, Learn and Play – 17 weekly themes planned out for you! No Time For Flashcards
  • DIY Summer Camp – 11 weekly themes full of fun. Steamstational
  • Summer Camp at Home Planner – Weekly activities including snack ideas to go along with the theme. Printable Activities Club
  • At Home Summer Camps for Kids – 12 themed weeks with 84 activities including crafts, games, sensory play, dramatic play, open-play ideas, printables, and more! Teaching Mama
  • 12 Ideas To DIY Summer Camp at Home – Girl Mom Chaos
summer fun schedules
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What Will You Be Doing This Summer? 

Let me know if any of these schedules are helpful in planning your summer vacation with kids. If you have friends looking for routines or summer schedules, please share! 

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Vacation Packing List | Get Kids To Pack Without Any Help!

Inside: Packing for vacation can be overwhelming if you have more than one child. This post breaks down the best ways to teach kids how to pack their own suitcase or duffle bag! Included is a FREE packing checklist for kids.

(Originally published on June 3, 2019; updated on May 14, 2020)

Summer is just about here AND many states are reopening so who else is screaming, “FREEEDOM??!!!”

I am lifting my hands high!

It’s time to grab your vacation packing list and pack for vacation!

If you were planning on traveling to another state and that trip has been canceled, go on a staycation. Thankfully, we live in Arizona which has gorgeous resorts and hotels that are great for a one to three-day stay.

Or what we do often during the summer is go camping! Because unless water is involved, it can feel like our eyeballs are going to melt off of our faces. I wish I were kidding.

After saving for three years, we sold our pop-up camper and bought what I call “an apartment on wheels.” It’s a 30-foot pull-behind trailer with triple bunk beds, a king-size bed, microwave, oven, sink, and full bathroom. I feel like we’re cheating when I say we camp. However, we are able to head to the woods or campgrounds around 60 days a year! Our summers wouldn’t be the same without it.

The goal is to leave Phoenix every other week to escape the heat. We only need to drive a few hours before we are in a totally different climate surrounded by a totally different landscape (aka: grass and trees)!

teaching kids to pack with boy packing suitcase

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

When we first started taking a lot of road trips, I was losing my mind with having to pack for myself and three kids.

Since we camp, the vacation packing list is twice as long as it would be to stay in a hotel because I have to prep and shop for meals, pack bedding and toys, restock toiletries and paper products, in addition, to pack cool and hot weather clothes because the highs can be in the 70’s or 80s and the lows in the 30’s or 40’s!

It didn’t occur to me until my boys were six and eight that they were completely capable of packing their own clothes and entertainment items.

All they needed was a little direction and guidance which did NOT need to involve me. Woot Woot!

For You! Sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose newsletter and receive a free vacation packing list for kids.

family standing at Cedar Breaks National Monument

Keep Reading: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching New Skills to Your Kids

Teach Your Kids How to Pack for Vacation

The first thing you need to do is explain to your kids that they are old enough to do a very important task – decide what to wear on vacation by packing all by themselves! Make sure you are very positive in your communication.

Last year, we came up with a vacation packing list together with all the potential items they will need for a road trip. Included is a quantities column that I fill out.

Then we followed the four steps to learning a new skill until they could pack without my help.

Now, our boys are responsible for packing everything they will need or use that isn’t already in the camper!

suitcase and packing list

What Kids Learn When They Pack For Themselves

I didn’t realize how many skills and lessons my kids would learn simply by being responsible for their own stuff by using a vacation packing list.

Ownership

My kids can no longer yell, “Mom! You didn’t pack my favorite Harry Potter pajamas!” or “Where is my favorite blanket?”

If they forget something, the only person they can blame is themselves. And you know happened when they forgot something? When they packed for the next trip, they remembered everything! Our brains learn through failure!

Responsibility

Kids need to have duty over something, act independently, and be given the opportunity to act independently. Packing for vacation is a perfect way to teach responsibility.

boys using packing list to pack for vacation

Self-belief, Self-confidence, and Self-esteem

Humans are born with a sense of wanting to have control over their lives. Packing for vacation can really boost a child’s sense of self-belief, self-confidence and self-esteem. Especially when they see their friends’ parent doing everything for them and forgetting their favorite toy.

Life Skills

Allow your kids to develop these skills while they are young, teachable and while they have you to help!

Independence

This is one of the main points of parenthood, to raise little people who become independent big people. Being responsible for packing all of their belongings is a gateway to independence.

Organizational Skills

If your kiddo struggles with executive function, you may need to help them a little more on this one, but ideally, they will learn how to organize items in a suitcase or duffle bag.

kids pack for vacation infographic

What To Pack For Vacation

In having the boys gather their own belongings for road trips, we have learned a few other things that help it go successfully.

On the vacation packing list they use, all of the following items are included:

Clothes, Shoes, and Accessories

In deciding how many items to bring, have your kids plan one outfit for each day plus two additional. With kids, you never know if an outfit will make it an entire day!

Let your kids pick out their outfits!

This has been a toughie for me especially because I like to take photos on our trips. Every photographer knows that colors and clothing make a big difference. Slowly, I’ve been embracing the neons mixed with patterns and colors that don’t complement each other. At all.

If mismatched clothes really do bother you then teach your kids how to put an outfit together. Use a color wheel to show what colors look best together and explain about solids and patterns.

It’s important to be okay with whatever they choose especially if they throw that color wheel out the window as my kids have! Kids also have a need to express who they are!

boy sitting on suitcase

Packing List Order:

  • Shirts (and or dresses for girls)
  • Shorts to match shirt (and anything to go with the dress like if they need leggings underneath)
  • Long sleeves (if needed)
  • Pants (if needed)
  • Socks and underwear
  • Sweatshirts or outwear that can go with the shorts
  • Pajamas – Even if they don’t typically wear these, we have them pack at least one pair when packing for vacation.
  • Hat(s)
  • Shoes – One pair of flip flops or sandals and one pair of tennis shoes usually does the trick
  • Water bottle – Check out these awesome Dyln bottles that create alkaline antioxidant water. Or Gululu is a smart water bottle made specifically for kids!
Encourages Healthy Drinking Habits

Don’t forget to check the weather. As I mentioned we often have to plan for both cold weather and hot weather outfits for each day.

Read Next: An Easy Way For Kids To Pack School Lunch (With FREE Lunch List)

boy packing toiletry bag

Toiletries

Let your kids pick out their own toiletry bag and make sure they fill it with at least the basics.

  • Shampoo
  • Body wash
  • A scrubby (doesn’t get gross like washcloths!)
  • Toothbrush and toothpaste
  • Comb, brush and hair accessories
  • Lastly, other helpful items are sunblock, moisturizer, and lip balm

Entertainment

This category is vital for kids ages one to twelve. Entertainment items are used for the car ride as well as in and outside the camper. Here are a few non-screen ideas:

Here are some great games to play once you get to the destination! *Some can probably be played in the car.

Pick the Best Packing Method For Each Child

Find a method using your vacation packing list that works for each child.

Again, using these four steps to teach your kids a new skill really works! Just tattoo the steps to your arm seeing you’ll be using them a lot while your kids are young. Ha!

mom and son packing for vacation

Ziplock Bags

A GREAT tip I came across for packing kids’ clothes in a suitcase or duffle bag is to use gallon-sized ziplock bags.

Have your kid use a sharpie to write his or her name on the bag. If your child needs some organizational help, he or she can label each bag with the day he or she plans on wearing each outfit.

Fold or Roll

There are basically two methods – fold or roll.

For most kids (especially those who want to get it done quickly), the rolling method is usually best. My son used one bag per outfit, one for socks and underwear and one more for pajamas.

boy packing using the rolling method

1. Roll – For shirts, fold in the sleeves and roll from the neck down. For pants, fold in half and roll from the waistband down.

Here’s a great video with a demonstration. Once the items are rolled, put both the top and bottom into a bag.

2. Fold – When folding the items, have your child make sure the clothes are flat. Match the top and bottoms and put into a ziplock bag. There are many different techniques to fold clothes.

Other Ways to Store the Clothes

As your kids get older, the ziplock bag trick may be harder to fit the clothes into because of the size of the clothes.

Packing cubes can do wonders!

Another idea a friend just told me is that she assigns different colored rubber bands for each of her four kids and wraps the rubber bands around the rolled clothing. No baggies required.

Teach Your Kids How to Pack a Suitcase or Dufflebag

The ziplock bag, packing cube or rubber band method all make it very easy to pack a bag or suitcase. Some kids are naturally organized but others need to be taught how to stack and arrange clothes.

Show your kids how to utilize the different sections in a suitcase or bag that make it easiest to find what they need.

Download Your Free Packing List

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To help my kids, together, we made a packing list with all the items they usually need to pack for vacation. I used my handy dandy laminator so they can write on the sheets with a dry erase marker and wipe it clean after every vacation or road trip.

For you, I’ve updated it and made two different lists – one for girls and the other for boys.

kid-friendly packing list printable

Oftentimes, I put the numbers in the quantity column but have recently been asking them how many items they think they need.

Having your kids think for themselves is just as important as getting stuff done independently. So far, my boys have been right on as they realize how dirty they get.

Do your children pack for vacation?

Have any questions or additional tips? I’d love to hear! Comment below.

And feel free to share with friends who are heading on vacation!

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boy with suitcase in front of house

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How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.

My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage. 

Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane. I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”

As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven year old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on. 

It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped. 

Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad. 

How did we get here? 

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Rupture and Repair

When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture. 

A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you had to enforce.

Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken. 

We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage. 

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair. 

conflict with kids

If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.

Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life. 

Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.

This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.

The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy to your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime. 

This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope. 

Read Next: 11 Ways to Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!

1. Calm Down

Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray and breathe. 

Stop what you are doing. 

Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment. 

And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”

Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick. 

mantras for moms and parents

Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus through using your senses. 

There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too! 

Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate. 

I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!

Related: 5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos

mindfulness for moms

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and 

repair, repair, repair!!

When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst. 

As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need. 

If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids. 

Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment. 

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful. 

He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”  

Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.

parent child relationship after conflict

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle towards healthy emotional and cognitive development. 

Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think. 

I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache. 

After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy. 

For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine! 

learning social emotional intelligence through play

On The Laundry Room Floor

The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is because I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress. 

As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants and shirts.  

I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me, and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.

Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time. 

With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.” 

He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”

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How to Stop Siblings Fighting Without Getting Involved

Inside: Siblings fighting can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for everyone in the family. This is definitely true for this scary time as we are not getting any breaks from each other. The best way to manage sibling conflict is by providing them the tools to develop skills they may not yet have.

Last spring, I was sitting in the shallow water of my gym’s beach entry pool when I overheard siblings fighting. I didn’t really pay much attention until I heard the mom’s response to them screaming her name wanting her to intervene.

Instead of telling them how to solve the problem, she simply asked, “Well, did you, “Walk, talk or rock?”

Did they what?!

You know, my ears perked up.

The little girl told her her mom, no, then went off with her brother and they talked a little and came up with a solution on their own. The fight ended in about two minutes flat before they were off playing with each other again.

stop siblings fighting

The Reasons Siblings Fight

I break down the reasons siblings fight in this post. Basically, a lot is at play when it comes to brothers and sisters not being able to get along. Here are some of the main reasons:

  1. Development and maturity
  2. Sensory challenges
  3. Self-regulation skills
  4. Personality conflicts
  5. What is being modeled by peers, adults in their lives or other influences such as TV
  6. Culture
  7. Competition

It is good to look at the why behind any behavior so you know what to target in order for a change to happen. For my older boys, self-regulation and major sensory challenges and maturity all play a role in their sibling conflicts. One is incredibly impulsive and the other is highly sensitive so fighting can’t always be avoided.

The Key to Stop Siblings Fighting

My natural instinct when approaching a sibling quarrel is to correct, maybe increase the volume of my voice, use a strict tone and try to get them to stop immediately.

Or simply yell, “STOP FIGHTING!” or “BE NICE!”

However, this isn’t very effective. Womp Womp.

The reason is that if we take into account all the reasons why they might be fighting, being nice may not do the trick or they may not be able to stop due to how their brains are wired.

Instead, the key to eliminating siblings fighting is to teach your kids how to manage their own conflict.

On their own.

Without your involvement.

So really, this isn’t about keeping your kids from fighting but rather teach them how to resolve the conflicts they’re bound to have.

ending sibling fighting

I recently read this quote from Corinna Tucker, a professor at the University of New Hampshire, “The sibling relationship is where you learn how to fight.”

Oooh, that’s good!

As kids grow into teens then into adults, they will face conflict with friends, family, teachers, coaches, co-workers or bosses. Where they get the best practice to resolve conflicts is with their own brothers and sisters under your roof!

Become Your Children’s COACH

Kids need to be taught how to resolve their own fighting. The best way to do this is to mediate the situation.

This does not mean you tell your kids what to say such as, “Tell him sorry,” or “Give back her toy,” but instead, guide the siblings into coming up with their own solution to the problem.

Because remember, this is their problem, not yours!

What does this look like in the real world?

I’ve broken down what parenting experts recommend in teaching kids very important life skills such as conflict management, empathy, and perspective-taking.

Fighting Rules

You want to make sure you set ground rules ahead of time. Include your kids in deciding what these rules should be at your next family meeting.

There is a good chance they won’t follow all of these rules all of the time, but they’re good to have so your kids know what to strive for and what is important to your family.

Pssst: You can snag this as a poster along with “Our Family’s Fighting Rules” Poster when you sign up for my newsletter.

Calm Down Time

If the situation is already heated, there is zero reason to focus on getting your kids to work out a problem.

They can’t.

In order to think rationally, kids need to first be connected to the thinker part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex. This shuts down and is inaccessible when the brain perceives a threat. It goes into fight or flight and angry, frustrated or super sad states.

In our house, the first step is to separate.

For some reason though, this is very difficult for our boys to do. Although they’ll be mad at each other, they can not physically get away. As a parent, it’s so frustrating. What we have been focusing on is getting them to be self-motivated to leave each other alone to cool off.

Read next: How to Define and Discover Your Family Values

Talk It Out

If your kids are younger, they may need your help in mediating who talks first. Allow each child to tell his or her side of the story and make sure the sibling actually listens.

As your kids get older, they need to learn how to do this on their own while following the fighting rules. It’s very hard to listen when someone is shouting or touching you.

Talking it out is much easier for siblings to do if they are given tools on how to communicate.

We have adopted “A Bug and a Wish” and “I feel when statements.” This makes it easy for each of our boys to express his or her feelings using words, not hands. In turn, it helps the child receiving the message understand how his or her actions are affecting others.

Perspective Taking

This is a big part in resolving conflicts. Kids are self-centered thanks to under-development of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. They don’t have the developmental skills to understand or interpret how their actions affect another; especially a sibling. Therefore, they need to be taught.

A great way to do this is to ask questions! “How did your actions make your little sister feel?” or “Do you notice how he is feeling right now after you pinched his arm?”

Allow your child to do the thinking with your guidance!

>>Bonus Tip!

I read a research study about how siblings fighting can lead to poor mental health to my 10-year-old and immediately, I could see that he had an “uh oh” feeling in his gut. I wasn’t using this information to make him feel shame but rather, a little guilt. It helped him understand that his actions can make a lasting impact on others – for better or for worse.

Since sharing that information, his perspective has shifted a little causing him to put a lot more effort into resolving conflicts with his brother in a non-physical way. It has really brought them closer together…for the time being.

Solution Time

Typically, by the time our kids talk it out, they’re already onto the next thing. However, some conflicts need solutions. The reason is for both parties to move on so that conflict doesn’t happen again in the near future.

This can be done in any fashion that works best for your family. Every child is unique and handles stress differently. Siblings can write ideas that would work for both kids, draw pictures, or simply both come up with an idea and decide on which one would work best.

sibling relationships

Act of Kindness

One last thing we do if the “offense” was bad is to encourage the offender to do an act of kindness for the brother or sister. Another phrase we often use is, “What can you do to make things right.” We also ask, “How do you think he or she is feeling?” This is in replace of forcing a child to say, “sorry.”

A great way to do this is to have your kids fill out these kindness cards by For Purpose Kids! Or another suggestion could be to do chores for each other or play a preferred game.

parenting boys crazy life

Your Role in Ending Siblings Fighting

All of the above steps help kids resolve their own conflicts. When teaching these skills to your kids, its important that you:

  1. Let your kids work out the problems on their own
  2. Only intervene if it’s getting physical or harmful
  3. Do not take sides
  4. Model good conflict management yourself
  5. Have patience

Walk, Talk or Rock

Now back to walk, talk or rock. After understanding what needs to happen to help kids solve their own conflicts and fight less, this strategy is brilliant!

This simple parenting tool incorporates basic conflict management skills for kids in a playful way that gives your kids control.

When introducing the concept go through what each of the words mean:

Walk – Either party can choose to walk AWAY. As I mentioned, our boys have a very tough time with this one. But for some reason, if it’s an option in this context, they are more likely to do it.

Talk – Together, your kids can choose to use their words (not hands) to solve the problem. Give them different ways to talk as mentioned above.

Rock – If the argument is over a toy that one person wants or an activity he or she wants to do, the siblings can do, “rock, paper, scissors” to see who gets it. This could cause more issues but usually, it’s a quick solution.

As I was writing this, I overheard my seven-year-old doing rock, paper, scissors with my toddler. My little guy didn’t really get it and just got angrier. So maybe, this strategy is better for kids who are a tad older!

Ending Siblings Fighting

Next time your kids are ready to battle it out, instead of run to the rescue and solve their problem or tell them what to do, let them work it out. And if they don’t have the tools yet, start loading up that toolbox!

Bonus! Fighting Rules!

For you! When you sign up for my newsletter, you will get a pdf you can download with two different fighting rules posters to hang and use a reminder for your kids.

fighting rules
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How do you handle sibling conflict?

Comment below and let me know what kind of tricks, tips or strategies you employ when there is constant fighting in your house!

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7 Reasons Siblings Fight Constantly

Inside: Understanding the reasons why siblings fight constantly can help you eliminate the bickering, arguing or fighting. This is the first step to bringing peace to your home.

In December, we got a trampoline. My boys play together and get so much energy out on that thing. However, a little friendly flipping competition or play wrestling match often turns into someone crying from pain or yelling because of an argument.

As a parent, hearing kids fight can be painful. Or if I’m completely honest, frustrating and sometimes annoying.

Why can’t everyone just get along? I’m telling you, the world would be a much better place if people including siblings were kind to each other!

reasons siblings fight

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

Siblings Who Fight Constantly Can Be Linked to Poor Mental Health

I am totally guilty of not taking siblings fighting seriously.

It’s very common so part of me thought it was good for character development.

For the most part, our boys play really well together and can be best friends.

However, there are many times when their play wrestling goes a step too far. Also, if one boy is tired, hungry, needing attention, or all of the above, the fighting escalates to an unsafe level. And it never fails that one of my older boys will fight with my toddler over who owns what toy.

Why does that even matter?!

I don’t love that they fight, but I also know I can’t be the person solving their problems. There’s no way I could show up for them if I did; I would run out of gas by midday.

brothers fighting

Read Next: The Real Reasons Parenting is Hard and How to Make It Easier

Whenever I’m facing any kind of parenting problem, my first go-to is to hit the research. Yes, I pray and have mommy intuition, but the research is usually right on.

I was looking for studies on the reasons siblings fight constantly and what kept coming up was…

Siblings fighting can actually lead to poor mental health.

According to Science Daily, “Fights between siblings are so common they’re often dismissed as simply part of growing up. Yet a new study finds that sibling aggression is associated with significantly worse mental health in children and adolescents. In some cases, the effects of sibling aggression on mental health were the same as those of peer aggression.”

Therefore, when siblings fight constantly, it can cause problems that should not be shoved under the rug or shrugged off. Instead, we need to communicate to our kids how important it is to get along or leave the other sibling alone.

fighting rules

7 Reasons Siblings Fight

To fix the problem, we need to know why the problem exists. The reasons below are adapted by Kids Health with a few of my own observations.

1. Development

One reason brothers and sisters constantly fight is because of brain development. Kids may not have the skills to understand why their siblings are acting a certain way. Or it can be how they are trying to figure out the world.

A common saying is that relationships take work.

This rings even more true for growing children whose brains don’t have the skills to interpret how another person feels let alone unpack his or her own feelings.

constant fighting between toddler and older siblings

3 General Stages That Impact Siblings Fighting:

  • Toddlers & Preschoolers | Discovering independence, beginning to understand possession
  • School-Age Kids | Fighting for autonomy, having a strong sense of equality (or what is or isn’t fair) and knowing what’s right and wrong.
  • Pre-teens and Teenagers | Coming into their own, discovering who they are apart from their parents.

2. Self-Regulation Development

The ability to self-regulate is a huge one.

Neurotypical kids usually start to self-regulate by ages four or five. However, if your child has asynchronous development happening in his or her brain as my boys do, then this skill may come later.

Kids need to manage their own problems and stress response before being able to understand others. You can find more information on self-regulation in this post.

For You! By subscribing to be part of the Raising Kids With Purpose community, you will receive a free calm down toolkit.

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3. Personality

It’s no secret that some personalities just don’t mix.

According to the Child Development Institute, “Personality is determined by the interaction of temperament traits with the environment. Each person (including your child) comes with factory-installed wiring.”

Your kids could have temperaments that don’t mesh well. This is not an excuse to allow them to fight, but rather, something worth looking into to see how they can build each other up. A great way to do this is to have each kiddo learn what their siblings’ core character strengths are.

Besides looking at their strengths, there are nine temperamental traits that may help you discover why contention rises. They are activity level, distractibility, intensity, regularity, sensory threshold, approach/withdrawal, adaptability, persistence, and mood.

Any bells going off as you read through those attributes?

I can hear the sirens blaring as I skim past every single one!

Something else to keep in mind is when kids have special needs or behavioral challenges as that can also add fuel to the fire. We have some of that in this house so what would be a small argument can turn into a full-blown brawl if not stopped immediately.

4. How Fighting Is Modeled

Ooooh, this one can sting a little bit.

Our kids learn through observing and imitating. Witnessing conflicts being resolved between you and your partner or between you and anybody for that matter can impact how your kids interact with each other. This also goes for any other influence they have such as television shows, video games, and other people they spend a lot of time with.

It’s important to connect before you correct and remain calm when correcting behavior. One of those reasons is because the way you treat your child will impact how he or she treats a sibling.

And you know what, your kids may be acting in ways that you never do. Most likely, they have outside influences. Kids learn a whole slew of words actions from peers and other adults in their lives.

siblings fight constantly

If this is happening, bring it up!

I often will tell my boys, “When I disagree with dad on something, I don’t just go up to him and slap him in the back or punch him in the face. Wouldn’t that be silly if I did?” They usually agree and are slowly making the connection of the kind of behavior they should have with each other especially during a disagreement.

5. Sensory Challenges

The research has been pouring out over the last decade about sensory integration.

Every person perceives what he or she tastes, touches, hears, sees or smells differently from each other. In addition to those basic five senses, there are also vestibular (balance) and proprioceptive (awareness of body in space) senses that can affect mood and the way kids interact with each other.

Kid Sense explains sensory integration as “…the effective registration (and accurate interpretation) of sensory input in the environment (including one’s body). It is the way the brain receives, organizes and responds to sensory input in order to behave in a meaningful & consistent manner.”

Our family has two kiddos with sensory processing sensitivity which makes them extra sensitive to noise and touch. And these challenges have a major impact on whether or not they can get along with each other.

We used to have music playing in our house nonstop. What I realized is that the extra noise was causing sensory overload which led to more fighting and physical touch between my boys.

There is a common misconception that only children with diagnoses have a sensory challenge. Any child can be more sensitive. To figure this out, simply observe how each of your children react to his or her environment. Also, a friend recently introduced me to this quiz on highly sensitive people that you can take for your kids AND yourself!

6. Culture

Culture impacts behavior in everyone. A child’s environment will affect how he or she sees the world including how he or she treats a sibling.

Research even shows that culture may shape how the brain processes anything visual.

This is important to keep in mind when siblings fighting is driving you bananas.

sibling competition

7. Competition

Anyone else have kids who literally turn everything into a competition or comparison? There is a laundry list of reasons why sibling rivalry exists.

Read Next: Quality Time: The Best Way to Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Self-determination theory explains that all humans are born with three basic psychological needs, autonomy, relatedness, and competence. Therefore, kids want to be separate from their siblings and define who they are as individuals. There may also be a need to feel less competent when compared to a sibling which can cause more contention.

Another piece of the puzzle is that kids have what I call an attention bucket that needs to be filled by their parents. If that bucket is empty, a child may be competing for attention and love they innately crave.

reasons siblings fight infographic

Do Your Kids Fight?

What is it like at your house? Do you have siblings who fight constantly? Or just fight some of the time? I hope that with this list of reasons, you can chisel away some of the problems in order to bring more peace into your home.

As I said, no one wants to hear their kids fighting all day.

In my next post, I will uncover the best way to get siblings to stop fighting which a lot of parents don’t typically do.

And if you know friends who can’t figure out why their kids fight all the time, please SHARE the love.

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5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises For Parents In a Time Of Chaos

In this post, you will find creative mindfulness exercises for parents that bring connection and a sense of calm, joy and happiness to the chaos of life. This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

The biggest struggle I have in being the gentle, kind, calm and connected parent I want to be is that my kids are LOUD!

I’m not talking about occasional shrieking when they get excited or yelling that they are open when playing a game of basketball, but rather, talking and being loud all of the time. I can be a few feet from my son and yet he projects as if I’m across the street. My boys were not born with a volume button.

mom stress

I lied.

They do have a volume knob.

It just goes from 70% to 100% when they are upset or frustrated. It’s in these moments that I need to keep myself calm so I can attune to their needs.

Because I know that in those moments, there is ZERO reason to correct or reason with them if their lid is flipped.

Staying calm when the noise is deafening was so hard for me. I would start to feel like I was trapped in an echoey cave complete with cave kids and no way out.

The key to getting out of that cave is learning how to practice MINDFULNESS!

In order to get out of survival mode, find joy in motherhood, and stay calm enough to make long-lasting connections with my kids, I needed to learn how to be mindful.  

In order to get to this point where we train our brains and bodies to go into relaxation mode when the stress (or noise) is high, we need to know how to bring awareness to our experience.

Over the years, I have found a few creative mindfulness exercises for parents that help reduce the stress in stressful parenting situations.

What is Mindfulness For Parents?

Before I go into the specific exercises, let’s talk about what mindfulness even is.

It is a buzzword so I’m sure you have heard of it a time or two. This may also mean you have some preconceived notions of what it is. I know I did.

What Mindfulness is NOT

Here are a few things that mindfulness for parents is not:

Weird

It does not mean you need to climb to the top of a mountain surrounded by llamas and alpacas, repeating, “Ommmm”. That is a form of meditation. Two separate things.

Against Religion

It’s not against the Christian religion. I avoided anything to do with this word because I thought it was about emptying the mind.

Wrong!

It’s actually the opposite and can be used to bring you closer to God!

Something That Has To Take A Long Time

I’ve heard people say they don’t have time to do a mindfulness practice.

This is silly because being mindful doesn’t have to be this long-drawn-out process. It can be a quick, check-in with how your body feels and what you are thinking kind of thing then move on your merry way to clean the toilets or play with your child. I don’t know about you, but I typically choose to play with my child!

savoring motherhood

What Mindfulness IS

Simply put, mindfulness is the act of becoming aware of your experiences.

That’s it!

Right now, wherever you are, in your bed, in your house, at the park, at a doctor’s office, hopefully not in your car driving…take your attention off of this blog and bring awareness to how your body feels.

How does your face feel? Your hands? Feet? What kind of experience are you having this very second?

That, my friend, is mindfulness!

Noticing what is going on WITHOUT reacting or trying to fix things, or making judgments. 

Work with and direct those thoughts and feelings. This helps us enter a state where we can observe what is happening instead of allowing our emotions to hijack our behavior.

5 Creative Mindfulness Exercises for Parents 

Now, the real fun begins! 

Taking time to check in with your mind and body has so many benefits.

Mindfulness can take a crappy day and turn it into a good one. It can give you the space to think before you speak, connect before you correct and respond instead of react.

Being mindful can help you become the mom or dad you want to be for your children and the husband or wife you want to be for your spouse.

There are many different kinds of mindfulness practices you can incorporate into your daily life.

I am unpacking five creative mindfulness exercises that will help you find joy in parenthood and life, reduce stress, not yell and if you want, become closer to God.

All of these can be taught to your children which in turn can help you stay calm.

BONUS! By signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a Taking Care of MYSELF ebook that helps you take care of yourself so you have more to give. Learn how to be a calm happy, fulfilled parent with an acryonym that’s easy to remember!

1. STOP, Pause (or Pray) then Breathe

 Stop.

Drop your agenda. If nothing is physical and it’s not an actual emergency…

PRAY. 

Then BREATH. Take 3 deep breaths and CHOOSE to calm down. 

mindfulness for moms

2. Use Mantras

Ond day while my son was having a sensory (read: intense) meltdown, repeating mantras in my head totally saved me from matching his emotions. Otherwise, I would have totally lost it.

Because I kept repeating to myself, “He would do well if he could”, I was able to stay regulated long enough to help him calm down (this is called co-regulation).

Here are mantras that can help parents calm down:

  • This is not an emergency.
  • I can handle this.
  • I breathe in calm, I breathe out calm. I breathe in love, I breathe out calm. (Dr. Laura Markham)
  • My child would do well if he or she could (Dr. Ross Greene)
  • Behavior is an unmet need.
  • Behavior is communication.
  • God, I’m safe with you.
  • I have everything I need right now (Abundant Mama)
  • Connection before correction (Dr. Daniel Siegel)
mantras for moms and parents
click to download a full poster!

Every time you are able to calm down, your prefrontal cortex gets stronger and more neural pathways are formed.

You develop what is called, vagal tone.

The nerve that calms your body down, the vagus nerve, gets stronger. Someone with a good vagal tone is more resilient and can return to a sense of calm much faster.

As your vagal tone gets stronger,

  • You can intervene
  • Connect before you correct and 
  • Respond before you react! 

Have you caught onto the underlying benefits of mindfulness yet?

3. Breathe!

Last year, I was sitting with a group of women and my friend mentioned how she thought it was funny that her iwatch kept telling her to breath. She said, “Obviously, I’m breathing. I have to breathe to live.”

 True.

However, there are different ways to breathe. The way the iwatch wants you to breathe to deactivate your stress response.

You can do this RIGHT NOW!

Breath in slowly.

Hold your breath at the top.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 …keep holding 6 – 7

Now blow out all of the air until it’s all gone.

Doesn’t that feel good? I was doing this as I was writing and have decided air is my drug of choice!!! Ha!  

The reason why this feels good is because of a few things:

Your Autonomic Nervous System is made up of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic system is what helps you get into a calm state. I envision floating along on a parasail. This is when you can be relaxed, lose weight easier, sleep better and be happier. It’s restorative and gets rid of the stress hormones. You feel safe and can access intuition and insight.

Then we have the sympathetic nervous. When it’s activated, it’s telling our bodies there is an EMERGENCY!! This is when we go into a fight, flight, freeze or faint state and cortisol levels increase.

If we don’t get out of this system, we can gain weight, become sleep deprived, depressed and sad, be defensive, impulsive or completely shut down.

Get This! A relaxation response takes 12 breaths (roughly 2 minutes). However, if you do deep breathing regularly, it can work after 6 breaths!

I’ve had people tell me that breathing doesn’t work. It’s usually because they wait until they are at their boiling point and wanting to shake their child (which I don’t recommend doing that) to breathe! Then yes, it may not seem like breathing works. 

The research is very clear.

Breathing calms down the body. Period. It is also readily available!

window of tolerance for moms

Specific Breathing exercises

  • 5, 7, 8 breathing – Inhale for five counts, hold for seven and blow out a big exhale for eight counts. I don’t usually count, but instead, I just make sure my exhales are longer than my inhales.
  • Box breathing – Breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. You can use your finger to draw a box or square as you count to four.
  • Scripture breathing – inhale as you recite scripture in your head and then exhale as you finish.
  • Connecting your breath to your thoughts, don’t just notice it.

You can access a deeper level of restfulness and healing by filling your mind with goodness. 

calm mom

When to Practice Breathing

Here are great times to do deep breathing exercises. In fact, since I do my breathing practice while driving, every time I put my car into drive, I automatically start to inhale deeply. My brain has been trained to take nice long deep breaths anytime I’m on the go.

Here are all the spots that work well to practice deep breathing:

  • Driving or riding in the car
  • While rocking a baby or toddler
  • Nursing a baby
  • Waiting for kids while in the car
  • Watching kids play sports from the sidelines at a practice or a game

4. Do a Body Scan

This is something else you can do while reading this post on creative mindfulness exercises.

Bring your attention to each of the following body parts one at a time:

  1. Toes → ball of the foot
  2. Calves → quads
  3. Stomach 
  4. Mind
  5. Heart

If we continue to keep ALL THE JUNK stuffed, that anxiety builds up then later explodes. Alternatively, think about how you feel in every nook and cranny of your body so you can release the tension.

happy mom

5. Savor

Savoring is aiming your attention on positive things in order to create a “bank account” of goodness to draw on in tough times. 

I once heard Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting say, “Happiness is not in our brain’s job description…it’s always on the lookout for danger.” That helped me make sense of why I feel the way I do in so many situations.

When you induce the feelings of gratitude, empathy, and pleasure, you are actually changing the neurotransmitters in your brain to give yourself a positive sense of well-being and a strong sense of safety.

How to savor: attach positive thoughts to each of your senses.

What you see around you – nature, your kids getting along, your house you are blessed to live in, certain colors you enjoy

What you hear – music, a baby’s laugh, the sizzling of food, birds chirping, the leaves rustling

What you smell – your favorite food, essential oils, your hair, perfume, your baby’s sweet skin

How you felt in the past – reminisce on past experiences that were very joyful. Savor through journaling.

What you feel – something soft, your baby’s skin, your clothes, a tree

What you taste – think of the texture, flavor, and temperature

When savoring, it’s important that you choose something you actually like.

It’s confusing to the brain if you force positive thoughts while eating chocolate when you can’t stand the taste. Rather, look, listen, smell, feel and taste what you already enjoy.

Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

Yes, we are sold on a lot of ways to find happiness and ways to change our lives.

Some work and some don’t.

I can tell you from experience that having a mindfulness practice really does make a positive change. The more we bring awareness to our mind and body connection, the better we become at managing our emotions and the words that come out of our mouths.

Freebies for You!

I presented on this topic at my local MOPS chapter. For my talk, I provided my mommy friends with a printable that I wanted to make available to you as well. Click here to download the Mindfulness Handout.

I also have a self-care ebook to help mamas be their best selves! Fill out the form below and it will be sent directly to your email inbox.

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Share the Love

If you find this information helpful in finding calm and happiness, please feel free to share! Use the sharing buttons below.

Much love,

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5 Ways to Create a Happy Married Life You Want Your Kids to Have

My husband and I dated for over five years before we got married. During that time, we never had a single fight. Okay, maybe one weird little tiff, but nothing other than that. Neither of us saw the value in fighting with each other. Also, I am a total flight person so as soon as I see conflict on the horizon, I run for the hills (which I now know, is not healthy!).

I really thought we were already set up for a happy married life. What could go wrong?

Soon after our wedding, my husband and I got into a fight. Gasp! Well, it was an argument that led me running (see?) up the stairs after saying the sound, of the letter, “F”, because apparently, that’s the closest I get to saying sware words when I’m really upset.

What we were arguing about was that I was doing too much out of the house, volunteering too much and essentially, not making my husband a priority. Growing up as a VERY independent person, I just couldn’t wrap my head around making someone else a priority. I thought I was but my actions proved otherwise.

Over the years, this has been a struggle, but with intentionality and a strong purpose to love my husband and SHOW him the way he needs to be loved, we both work towards a happy married life. It’s a work in progress.

creating a happy married life

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Today, I’m SO EXCITED to feature my dear friend, Sarah! She is such an incredible example of how to live out God’s plan for marriage. With four super sweet little boys, she has her hands (and most definitely, her heart) FULL! Today, she’s going to share the importance of marriage and some tips that have helped her make her husband a priority.

Creating A Marriage That Matters

When I first got married I truly believed that I was the princess and my husband was supposed to serve me and meet every one of my needs. I was very into Matthew McConaughey’s movies back then!

Looking back I realize I was new in my faith with the Lord and immature. I had no idea what it meant to truly serve my husband and love him out of love for God, honoring him and out doing him in love. 

By the time we got to our third year of marriage, we found ourselves in marriage counseling. This was not the happy married life I imagined. During this time I had to be honest and transparent with how many expectations I placed on my husband and how much I thought he was supposed to make me happy.  I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell myself some of these tips.

Honoring and loving our spouse is the biggest example we can give our kids. And there’s no way to do that without God.

Our flesh will fail. 

In, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity by Francis & Lisa Chan “The more you grow in your pursuit of Christ-likeness, the more you will naturally live out your god-given role.” 

The way you treat your husband is modeling to your children what marriage looks like which will impact generations to come.

As a mom to four boys, I know how exhausting it can to be a wife and a mom. It is so easy to put your kids before your husband, but God did not design it that way. In order to keep our marriage strong, here are some things I have found over the years that work!

1. Say NO! 

Yep, I said it. Say NO!

Wives set the temperature for the house especially with young kids at home. Don’t overdo it. Make sure your schedule, commitments etc. aren’t so busy that at the end of your day you have nothing left to give your husband.

What does your schedule say about your marriage? Is it a priority? 

2. You have the power to influence

Your husband cares deeply about what you think. Be his biggest fan, praise him, encourage him and go out of your way to make him feel special (leave notes, text messages, treats etc.).

What an example you are showing your kids. Things are caught not taught. Be an example to your kids by the way you treat their Daddy. 

Read Next: The Kind of Praise That Motivates

reading the bible

3. God must be the center of your own life. 

Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend but was never meant to be your God. There’s no way to be a Christ-like spouse apart from drawing closer to God. 

Our relationship with the Lord has to come first. If you are a believer, you are a new creation in Christ and called to love others especially your spouse with sacrificial love.

4. Simplify

I know it’s a buzz word right now to get rid of everything and be a minimalist, but really, you should try it!

When you simplify your life you make space for what matters. You can NOT be all things to all people. You must get rid of what is taking up room before your husband. Pay attention to the order of your priorities. The order should be:

  1. God
  2. Husband
  3. Kids
  4. Others and other priorities such as job, house, chores, etc.

If not, work towards getting your priorities back in line.

happy marriage

5. You Are Called to Be Your Husband’s Helpmate. 

What does this mean? His career, passions and voice matter.

I know so many wives that want their husband to “lead” but when they give an opinion on what they want, the wife quickly steps in and trumps him. If you want your husband to lead, you need to listen to his leading in the small things so he can feel confident to lead in the big things.

So ladies hold your tongue! When in doubt… be quiet, don’t nag, nitpick or sigh loudly. It’s unhelpful.

6. Bad Company Ruins Good Morals

We are a product of our environment.

Make sure that your tribe/village whoever you are around is FOR your marriage. Don’t be around negative talk people and don’t talk negativity or bash your spouse. Or be around others who bash their own spouses.

Your kids are watching everything. 

7. Be On The Same Page

Be a united front when it comes to parenting, finances, spending, priorities, and everything!

You are called to be one flesh in the Bible. You need to model that in all things. Practically don’t let your kids ask one parent and then the other to get a different answer.

Have check-ins with one another to talk about all the things (schedules, sports, appointments, finances etc). Put in on your calendar so you can keep yourself accountable. 

A note from Adriane: A great way to be on the same page is to discover and define what your family values are. To help you do this, I’ve created this free printable with a list of values and a poster to write them down on!

creating a strong marriage

8. Togetherness

The greatest influence in your kids’ lives is YOU and your hubby!

Both of you are modeling to your children what a home looks like, how to interact, respect others, be honest, what priorities matter. Make time for one another even if that means putting the kids to bed early and having a date night at home.

Sit next to one another during meals, on the couch, hold hands, be affectionate. Make intimacy a priority. Serve at church together.

Being together is huge. Time spells love! 

What Do You Value In Marriage?

Which of these things can you implement in your marriage? What stood out the most? Which of these would your husband say would mean the most? Comment below.

About the Author

Sarah lives in sunny Arizona with her husband and four sons. She loves hosting, drinking boba, being outside and dreams of creating a legacy of generations who love God and their families. 

If anyone has questions or wants to find out how to have a new life in the Lord you can connect with Sarah at SarahEGoebel @ gmail.com 

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Create Family Goals To Break Down Challenges (Includes Free Goal-Setting Tool)

Inside this post, you’ll find how to create family goals and build long-lasting relationships with your children.

I have a confession.

I’m terrified of goals. It may be my perfectionism or that I have a diagnosis of OCD, but the thought of not meeting a goal paralyzes me from making them.

I looked it up because that’s what I do, and I found the official name for this kind of fear. Atychiphobia. The fear of failure. Reading about it actually helped me realize I haven’t reached the phobia level and I would like to keep it that way!

To personally avoid goals is one thing, but not setting them for my family or allowing my kids to watch me set goals that I later achieve could be a disservice to them. Because goals are proven to help us see the bigger picture, move the needle forward, break down big challenges into achievable bite-size pieces, give purpose and get things done, I wanted to model that I can get over this teeny phobia and set goals together as a family.

creating family goals

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

The Difference Between Family Goals and Family Values

In my search to create a strong family connection, I found that values should not only be talked about and lived out, but recorded and reflected upon.

To help you do that, I created a family values kit for you to download.

I wanted to know how goals differed from values. Are setting family goals secondary or added fluff to identifying values?

Nope. Not at all. They are both very helpful and impactful.

The difference is that family values provide a roadmap or compass that guides decisions and actions; they are the glue that binds the family together.

Values are basically core principals.

Loving God, being kind, compassionate, empathic, financially responsible, and persevering through tough times are the values we live out.

Goals are the objectives we look to achieve.

The goals are more tangible and usually require specific actions to take place.

In The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, he breaks down values as being the HOW in which we live our lives and goals as the specific WAYS you execute your values.

This connection is imperative. You don’t want to set goals that are way off-kilter from what you believe in as a family. That would send up red flags and be super confusing to your kiddos developing brains. Although they are completely different concepts, they do work in conjunction with each other, especially in the case of working together as a unit.

family goals

The Importance of Setting Family Goals

When a group of people all work together to achieve a goal, it typically brings them closer. With families, having common goals can not only create a stronger bond, but they can help the members find purpose and their individual sense of belonging.

According to the University of Missouri, “Research indicates that families who establish both short and long-term goals are more likely to achieve those things in life that are important to them. Families who set goals manage their overall finances better than families who do not. They are also better able to communicate with each other when personal goals compete for resources or interfere with shared family goals.”

Family goal setting promotes autonomy and if you’ve been on this blog long you know that I am a firm believer in self-determination theory. This theory represents a broad framework of human motivation that unpacks how all people have a need for autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

Lastly, setting goals is a life skill your kids will thank you for instilling in them as they grow into adults.

Breaking Down Family Goals

When I first thought of goals that my whole family would set, a yearly thing popped into mind. But then I recalled all those past New Year’s Resolutions and yearly goals set in college courses that never came to fruition which caused atichyphobia to creep in. So instead, I thought a more manageable way of creating family goals would be to set ones that are monthly or weekly or even daily!

More boxes to check off for this checklist junkie!

The best way to set a family goal is for it to be “SMART” which stands for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time. This is what a SMART goal looks like for families:

  1. Specific | State exactly what you want to achieve or accomplish.
  2. Measurable | There needs to be a starting point and ending point and a way to measure how far you have come.
  3. Attainable (and I’m adding…Agreed Upon) | Your goals need to be something that everyone agrees upon and that can be achieved with hard work.
  4. Realistic | Don’t set goals that are unattainable for your family to achieve.
  5. Time | Set a certain amount of time in which you want to see a result. THIS is where I crumble so maybe I’ll give myself a little more breathing room and double it!

The Best Time to Set Family Goals

The absolute best time to get started on your family goals is RIGHT NOW! Okay, maybe not this exact moment as you may be at a doctor’s appointment, lying in bed or sitting at your child’s practice.

If you’re not having Family Meetings, I’m really not sure what you’re waiting for! They don’t have to be these complicated drawn out, pull out the whiteboard meetings but rather consistent gatherings where your entire family engages about rules, your event calendar, affirmations, values and now….GOALS!

Carve out a meeting where this is the only thing you focus on so that it doesn’t last forever and everyone is rolling their eyes because of another “great idea” you have. I hope I’m not alone in this. Ha!

Instead, approach creating goals as being something super exciting! Although I discourage rewards for motivation, make achieving the goal the reward! And celebrate the heck out of it when you do. Dancing always fares well in this family.

importance of family goals

4 Steps To Setting (and Achieving!) Your Family Goals

I’m all about embarking on a new journey as long as I have a plan to get me there (and I know that I can be successful *wink wink). If you have never spent time setting family goals before like us, this process doesn’t have to be strenuous.

I have broken the process down for you in this free Family Goal-Setting Toolkit.

Take these steps and you’ll look back after a few months and be so proud of your accomplishments. Or you’ll look back and find where you need to improve to continue moving forward.

Ooooh and so I don’t forget, for this to be successful, make sure everyone weighs in on the goals you choose. This isn’t a top-down, parent to child kind of exercise. It’s collaborative!

discover family goals

Step 1: Discover Your Goals

It also starts with a plan. To come up with a list of goals you want to work towards, I suggest starting with three main categories.

Here are some questions that can help guide you to figure out what you want to make goals around (adapted from Bitz n’ Giggles):

1. What are some challenges you face as a family? Include both from the child’s perspective as well as your perspective.

Example: Technology is becoming a huge challenge in our family. Our kids feel like they never get to play video games, and we want to let them play but their behavior changes and they are unable to stop playing on their own.

2. What areas of family life do you want to do better?

Example: Getting out of the house on time would be something that would reduce a lot of contention.

3. What are some things you would do if you had more free time?

Example: This one is perfect for us to focus on right now as my kids went from a seven-hour school day with a lot of homework to a four-hour day school day, only four days a week! We now have free time that could be filled to create a stronger connection or get things done.

4. What does everyone like to do more than anything else?

Example: I love to hike, my husband loves to ride dirt bikes and the boys love to camp. We can find a common goal that incorporates all three of these activities.

5. What are some things your family has always wanted to do but are afraid to try?

Example: Sky Diving! I’m kidding. This one was hard for me to come up with an example. Maybe hike the Grand Canyon or go on a long trip across the country.

6. What motivates everyone in the family?

Example: Being in charge motivates one of our sons so a goal would be to learn leadership skills and put the new skills into action.

Step 2: Write Down Your Goals

Be specific about what you want to accomplish!

If the goal is to overcome the challenge of technology, break it down to include what kind of technology this includes such as tablets, iPads, computer and/or television. And the specific goal could be to develop self-control and only spend x amount of hours each week in order to engage in outdoor and other creative activities.

screen time for families

Step 3: Create an Action Plan

After you figure out what you want to focus on for this first round of goals, you need to come up with ways that you will be able to achieve those family goals.

I suggested answering the questions below (if applicable) for every goal you set. I make this super easy to do in the free Family Goal Setting Toolkit. To illustrate how easy this is, I have provided answers to the questions using the “manage technology better” goal.

1. What steps need to be taken to reach this goal? Do we need to work on something every day, weekly, monthly?

Together, we need to come up with the amount of time we think everyone can handle being on devices and then specific ways to adhere to those time frames such as using a zapping machine. I’m totally kidding! A real tool that could be used is kitchen timers that our kids would be fully responsible for setting. We could also set up certain rooms, days, or times during the day that must be screen-free.

2. What will the achievement of this goal look like?

The kids (and adults) adhering to the timeframes set! Self-control is apparent.

3. What are some obstacles we will most likely face? And how will we overcome them?

The kids go to friends’ houses where they don’t have limits on technology. They can talk to their friends’ about how they are working on this goal. Or they could bring games or toys such as Nerf Guns or Beyblades so there is no temptation to play video games.

4. How long should this goal take to achieve?

Let’s work on being consistent for one week with the goal of reaching to one month. The kids will need to focus on turning off technology ON THEIR OWN and the adults will need to work on keeping phones in a separate room during dinner and family time.

5. How will accomplishing this goal make us feel?

Elated! We would feel supportive of each other and happier! There won’t be as much anger, annoyance, and frustration over technology usage.

Step 4: Reflect on Your Goals

This is a step that is often skipped when setting family goals. However, it’s one of the most important parts because it helps determine if you were successful or not.

And if you were not successful, it gives you more goals to work on! Failure is how we learn, (as I keep reminding myself)!

Here are some reflection questions to ask yourselves:

1. In what areas did we do really well?

2. What are we proud of? What part of the goal is dance-worthy?

3. Where could we improve?

4. What would have made us more successful?

family goals action plan

60 Day Goal-Setting Action Plan

Once all the planning of your goals is finished, it’s time to get crackin on accomplishing some family goals together as a team!

This is where the 60 Day Plan comes into play.

A lot of goal-setting tools I saw used a 90 Day Plan, but I have young kids and their attention spans small and sometimes non-existent. Honestly, 60 days may be too much so you could do check-ins every week or during the halfway point if that floats your fancy.

I made this part super easy for you! On the 60-Day goal-setting worksheet, you will list the main goals you want to reach on one side and all the tasks or mini-goals you need to do to get to your end goal. AND there are checkboxes! Woot Woot!

I suggest focusing on 2-3 goals at a time. Any more than that may be too overwhelming if you’re anything like me. However, if you are a GOAL-GETTER and so are your kiddos, then you can aim higher.

A tip I heard once from Jon Acuff, the author of Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done is to cut your goals in half. It’s much more attainable and less defeating. I’m a big fan of that philosophy!

family goal setting worksheets

Having a Tough Time Finding a Goal?

No worries, boo, I got your back!

If you find going through all the questions too much, I made a cheater’s goal-setting sheet with a list of family goal ideas that promotes connection, positive family culture, and productivity. Simply peruse that list to determine a few goals you want to work on and add to the 60 Day Action Plan.

Go Set Your Family Goals

What are you waiting for? Download the Family Goal Setting Toolkit by subscribing and filling out the form below. Then, print it out and have that family meeting or your Matt Damon (check out this post for reference).

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It would mean the world to me if you shared this post to help even more families with their goal-setting endeavors. Use the social icons below. Thank you!!

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goal setting action plan and worksheet

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