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July 13, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 65 Comments

The Scary Truth About Sending Kids Back to School & What Experts Say to Do

Inside: Parents are at such a crossroads with what to do with their children’s education. Sending kids back to school can feel scary. I interviewed experts from The Childhood Collective on ways we can help our concerns and move forward in a healthy way. And don’t forget to download your Emergency Emotional Toolbox.

My mom-friend recently sent me the document she got from her children’s school outlining how the school will function when it reopens the doors. Her text to me said, “This feels like prison.”

She’s not the only one who feels this way.

In the past month or so, I don’t think I’ve gone a day without seeing or hearing parents posing questions about whether or not to send their kids back to school or whether or not schools are going to reopen. Many of these parents are really contemplating keeping their kids home regardless if they work or not.

This is a hot topic because education matters. Our kids’ social and emotional development matters. How we interact in this world and what we learn matters. How we overcome adversity and scary times matters not only for the time being but for our future; for our kids’ development and for their future well-being.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Parents’ Concerns About Kids Returning to School

I posed the question, “What is your biggest concern about kids returning to school when schools reopen?” on my personal Facebook page as well as a Facebook group I’m in. I got an overwhelming amount of insightful responses.

Here are some of the comments I received from moms:

“Wearing masks all day and our kids not getting the exercise they need by being stuck in the same room all day at a desk. Our kids even have to eat lunch in the room. The cafeteria staff will be bringing the food to them. Will they even get bathroom breaks or will those be limited too?” Danielle Phelps, Holistic Life & Business Coach

“So many questions about what the school year will look like – concerns about the schedule, it then changing, mandatory masks, mandatory temperature checks, social distancing what that would look like, no specials (we pay for his education to be above and beyond so what are we paying for if he doesn’t get what we originally “signed up for”), mandatory va-x — all of which we could navigate one by one, but as a whole, I think this year is so unstable from ‘what to expect'” Heather Shriver Burns, Mindset and Business Strategist

“Consistency. Having the district decide on a plan, then having to change it because of a rise in cases. Also not going back full time. Our district is considering a plan where they go one or a few days a week…my kids cannot handle the constant transition.” Connie S. Hurlburt, Online Health & Wellness Coach and Digital Media Marketing Strategist

“…Concerned about mental health for everyone, kids, teachers, families. This is still real and affecting everyone. Will everyone be anxious? Will kids be stressed? Acting out more in class? Will the environment be as good for learning as it was before this happened? Or is staying home better, for now, to be with family? Many of the staff, teachers even could be very anxious, scared, could even have lost family members or have had personal experiences with the virus. That’s a lot to go through and expect to go back to work like usual.” ~Amy, RN working with COVID patients

“The use of face masks and the physical distance as that’ll affect teaching and their [the children’s] sense of self.” Zoia, Natural Nutrition Health Coach

“The stress and chaos have me the most worried. I will be keeping kids home because of this more than my health concerns.” Jasmine Holdren

“I hate the idea of mandatory masks…and temperature checks and social distancing and anything else that will give young children anxiety. My son has fought a battle with chronic strep throat a few years back. I saw many doctors, shed a lot of tears, and spent a ton of money getting his immune system back on track. We now see an amazing chiropractor and he takes daily supplements and hasn’t had it since but…I refuse to start at square one again. I keep reading that strep is on the rise from wearing masks due to bacteria growth inside the mask. I just can’t fathom making him wear a mask…it gives me anxiety. My question is what if a child passes out from wearing a mask at school? And honestly how effective will they be? What if some kids parents never wash them or don’t provide clean ones? What if the kids touch them all day? 🤷🏻‍♀️” Echo Muncie, Former Preschool/Daycare Co-Director

“That my oldest child’s anxiety is going to go through the roof.” Jenn Paterson

Teachers’ Concerns About These Uncertain Times

With so many concerns about teachers, I reached out to a friend, Amanda Kortright, who is a school improvement consultant/coach. She wrote this post on Facebook, “You know what would be neat? If an article said, ‘Here’s what experts say schools should look like next year.’ And then those experts that they went on to quote WERE TEACHERS. Teachers. Teachers are experts on school.”

I couldn’t write this post about sending kids back to school without including what teachers’ concerns are as well. Amanda does a great job at summarizing what she has seen in the education communities.

Amanda writes:

“Every teacher I have spoken with is worried about their students and the learning gaps that have and that will widen. The abrupt end to the year caused havoc to their systems of delivering instruction and to student achievement growth.

They are all busy this summer (no extra pay, of course) trying to figure out how to assess the kids and catch them up! All are worried about the most disadvantaged, obviously. Some kiddos get their only hug or meal of the day at school.

Some want to go back face-to-face because they haven’t had any training in how to deliver instruction virtually. Despite the fact that there are record numbers of teachers spending their own time online in training on how to do so, they don’t even know if they’ll be delivering the content remotely or in-person because no one in government can make up their mind.

And don’t get me started on the two days on/three days off “blended” learning plans. Teachers are not being included in the conversation unless they have an awesome superintendent who wants to hear from them. How do they plan on teachers delivering instruction if they don’t know whether or not it’ll be on Zoom/Google Meets or in person?

And if teachers and students are in the classroom, that forces a whole new method of delivering instruction because of all of the regulations/rules.

Here are a few questions to ponder, ‘How do teachers teach reading when kids can’t see their mouths because of having to wear a mask? How does a teacher put 30 first graders in a small classroom and keep them 6 feet apart? How do they give the kids recess or gym class and keep them from spreading the virus?’

And I’ve seen some districts that cancelled recess altogether; a teacher’s worst nightmare.

Since masks mute voices, many teachers are also buying (with their own money) sound projection mic systems. Others are purchasing the mics that will record their voices to live feeds because their districts have ordered them to deliver instruction to kids who are sick at home, whose parents aren’t comfortable, or who have immunity issues. All of this is expected with no technology training.

Some teachers are terrified for their lives. New York City Schools stayed open one week longer than most other districts in the spring. They were worried about sending the most disadvantaged home to abusive households, homes with no food, etc. (Educators get sick to their stomachs in June for some of their kiddos for the same reason.) NYCSD lost 68 teachers/staff/lunch ladies/bus drivers/principals as a result because they died in March/April from COVID.

Some can’t bear the thought of homeschooling their own kids while delivering online instruction.

Some are worried they will bring COVID home to their own families – grandparents, immune-compromised kids, etc. They are praying for online instruction.

Some believe it’s a hoax and no worse than the flu. But they do know they get strep throat, colds, the flu 2-3 times a year because schools are cesspools of germs.

Bottom line: Teachers MUST be included in the conversation. Many teachers are feeling left out. This is not new. Only the wisest administrators/community leaders/politicians bring teachers to the table for education talks. And politicians (on both sides) typically bring in business people to decide on big issues – like state learning standards and testing. Lastly, teachers absolutely don’t make enough money for what their jobs require and compared to other professions that require the same higher education and licensure requirements.

From what I see and hear, most teachers have the safety and learning of their students on their minds and hearts.”

Parents And Teachers Are Worried

Only days after I was seeking out answers on this topic, it really started to explode all over Facebook. Parents and teachers alike are worried and many are fearful for a myriad of reasons.

After reading through hundreds of other posts, this is what I’m seeing that parents are most concerned about:

Kids getting sick, dying or spreading it to at-risk populations.
Schools not reopening at all; or on the flip side, that schools will open.
The social and emotional health of our young kids because of social isolation, mask-wearing, lack of play and recess, being stuck in the same room all day, no bathroom breaks, not being able to see facial expressions, not being able to make new friends, and a break in connection between teacher and child.
Being able to survive at home because of feeling like in-person school is not an option.
Disruption to schedules and routines.
No real learning will take place or kids will continue to fall behind.
The teachers’ mental and physical health or that teachers will quit.
Kids being able to social distance and how that will be enforced.
The chemicals they will use to clean and the carbon dioxide inhaled all day in a mask.
Special needs being met or educational issues with kids with IEP or 504 plans.
Parents’ own anxieties and fears about all the changes.
Kids who rely on schools for their well-being.

The Scary Truth

The scary truth about sending kids back to school is the uncertainty.

No one knows what is going to happen nor do we know the implications our decisions are going to have on our kids’ overall development or how it will affect our precious teachers.

The plans and rules are constantly changing.

Every time an email comes through from the school, parents hold their breath to see what new restrictions or rules are being proposed. In-person school start dates in some states are already getting pushed back and some schools are planning on starting virtually then moving to in-person when they are given the permission to do so.

There is no concrete plan nor can there be. This is not a situation where a one-size-fits-all approach will work. There is going to be trial and error and hopefully it’s not at the cost of our kids’ and teachers’ emotional and/or physical health.

Another scary truth about sending kids back to school is that we don’t know what the residual effects of social isolation, mask wearing, increased level of anxiety, and abrupt changes are going to have. How are these changes going to affect the future?

What Can Parents Do?

I keep seeing concerns but not much about what we should be doing.

For a better insight into what we can do, I interviewed mental health experts with The Childhood Collective. Their online parenting site (and amazing Instagram feed) is run by two psychologists and a speech-language pathologist. I wanted to get their professional insight on…

What can we do to help our kids come out on the other side of this pandemic as resilient, gritty, and emotionally strong individuals?!

You will see I categorized the questions so you can scroll down and find the information that will be most helpful for you and your family. All the italicized questions are what I asked the experts at The Childhood Collective and the information provided is all written by them.

Lastly, I wasn’t planning on making a printable, but I just wanted to have something you could print, hold, and use to write down your feelings to help you overcome these challenging times as a parent who cares deeply about your children. I named it The Emergency Emotional Toolbox so you can have some very practical tools to use.

Download: If you need something to help you walk your child through this time, download The Emergency Emotional Toolbox. It’s a quick little worksheet that helps you get your feelings out and gives you reminders on how to be your child’s emotion coach.

Disclaimer: The responses provided are opinions of The Childhood Collective unless otherwise noted. The information provided is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any type of medical condition and is not intended as personalized medical or psychological advice. Any decision you make regarding you and your family’s health and medical treatments should be made with a qualified healthcare provider.

Communicating With Kids About Going Back to School and All of The Changes

How should parents talk to kids about all the upcoming changes? Are there phrases to avoid or does it depend on the child?

HOW To Communicate To Kids

Anytime we are sharing important information with children, we want to consider that what we are saying is just as important as how we are saying it. Children are amazingly in-tune with us… often more than we realize!

If our stress, frustration, worry, or discomfort with the upcoming changes moves our conversations from factual to emotional, our children will respond accordingly. So, first and foremost, we must talk with our children about these changes when we are in an emotional state that allows us to convey the information in the most accurate way possible.

This is not to say that we can’t acknowledge the challenges of the present situation (indeed, we must in order to validate their experiences and feelings!), but we must take care to ensure that our message isn’t lost in translation because of the way it is delivered.

Yes, this is often easier said than done!

What To Communicate to Kids

When it comes to the content of this conversation, keep it factual and developmentally appropriate.

Help your child get a picture of what a typical day in the classroom or at home may look like, and supplement with developmentally-appropriate details about why it will look like this. Do your best to convey confidence and reassurance that the adults are doing their best to keep kids healthy and happy through these tough times.

Finally, once you’ve talked through these changes with your child, provide the space for questions.

Many times, what we anticipate will be an issue is not a concern for our child. Similarly, we may not anticipate certain questions or concerns that they have. Providing a space or “check-in time” regularly as the time approaches to return to school (whether physically or through distance learning), is just as important as your initial conversation.

Emotional Concerns

How do we help kids recover emotionally?

Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach

As the pandemic wears on, you’re not alone if you are seeing big emotions bubbling over in your child. The most important thing to keep in mind is that all feelings are allowed.

One of the ways you can best support your child emotionally during these times is to be an emotion coach for them. This entails allowing all feelings (though not all behaviors are acceptable), labeling and validating the feelings you observe, listening to hear rather than respond, and providing a safe space for your child to problem-solve.

To provide an example, you may be tempted to say something like, “I’ve already told you, you can’t see your friends! It’s not safe. I don’t want to keep repeating myself!” This statement shuts down the emotion. Your child may stop talking to you about it, but that doesn’t mean the underlying emotion goes away.

A more helpful, emotion coaching alternative would be, “You seem upset. It’s hard when you can’t see friends the same way you used to. I miss my friends, too. Even if we can’t see friends in person, I’m wondering if you have an idea about how we can make this all a little bit easier?” With this statement, you are labeling and validating their feelings. You are holding the same boundary (which, in this case, is not being able to see friends in person), but you are opening the door to problem-solving rather than shutting your child down.

Fostering Resilience

How do we help our kids become resilient during this time instead of emotionally damaged?

Emotion Coaching and Finding Passion-Igniting Activities

Emotion coaching, again, is a great way to foster resilience. It empowers children to manage their tough feelings and engage in helpful problem-solving.

Another great way to foster resilience during this time is to find activities that excite and ignite your child’s passion. Time that used to be invested elsewhere (sports, carpools, outings, etc.) can now be poured into other things that build your child up.

Encourage them to pick-up that hobby that has been on the back-burner or go “all-in” with something they already love. Doing something you love, and doing it well, is a great way to build resilience and protect emotional well-being.

finding children's interests and passions

Choosing the Best Schooling Option

What are some considerations to take when deciding to 1.) send kids to school 2.) keep them at home for homeschool 3.) do online distance learning?

Do What Will Work Best for You and Your Child

This is where I encourage parents with the… “You know your child best.”

The fact of the matter is that, right now, there is no perfect answer. There probably won’t ever be.

You must consider your child’s personality, temperament, skill level, etc. You must also consider your personality, interest level, and availability! This is a situation where it may actually be helpful to write down your options, consider the advantages and disadvantages of each, and proceed with confidence knowing there is no perfect answer.

Try to find a good enough answer based on your family’s circumstances.

Handling Change and Transition

How to help kids with constant change and transitions? How do we help kids with transition especially those who are neurodiverse and already may face more challenges?

Reframe, Hold Constant and Have Open Conversations

How does that saying go? Something like… “The only constant in life is change.”

I like to reframe all of these changes as an opportunity rather than a detriment.

Our kids are learning how to adapt and manage changes. Some will do this better than others, but we as parents have the capacity to help them weather this storm.

My first piece of advice would be to hold constant as much as possible. Have open conversations with your kids about how things are changing and that you’re here to help them. But also point out how much hasn’t changed.

Keep essential routines firm, like bedtime, mealtimes, and mornings together.

When change is inevitable, do your best to prepare your child by doing some pre-teaching. This may include talking about what to expect, talking through possible scenarios, and role-playing if your child needs that level of support. Oh, and can I circle back again to the importance of being an emotion coach? That, too, will help during times of inevitable change.

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Benefits of Keeping Kids In School (If Schools Reopen)

What are the benefits of keeping kids in school even if there are going to be so many changes like mandatory mask-wearing, no specials, no recess, strict social distancing rules, etc? Or do you think it’s better for parents to homeschool if they have the means to do?

Attune To Your Child’s Needs

Again, this is very family specific.

At the time that I am writing this, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has actually urged for the goal of children returning to in-person schooling, citing the academic, social, and emotional well-being of children. EDITED: The AAP came out with a new statement urging for a safe return stating, “Public health agencies must make recommendations based on evidence, not politics.”

There are children that are greatly feeling the effects of social isolation, experiencing abuse in the home, and reporting increased symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation. These are all important things to consider when making the best decision for your family.

It’s hard to say what exactly the in-person school day will look like; these are very district-specific things. So, again, I urge families to stay as up-to-date as much as possible with their district’s plans in order to make a decision that sits well with their family.

Coping Skills For Kids

What are coping skills parents should be focusing on teaching their kids? Do you have resources for this?

Self-Calming and Relaxation Strategies

The importance of self-calming and relaxation strategies cannot be understated. These are some of the most overlooked life skills that come in handy on a daily basis.

We have a free Relaxation for Kids guide for families that provides different relaxation strategies for kids of all ages, including deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and guided imagery.

There are some great online resources for guided imagery and relaxation. A quick Google search for relaxation tools/apps will reveal tons of options! Some apps for kids include Calm, Smiling Minds, and Headspace.

I would also recommend that families talk with their kids about other helpful coping strategies, such as physical movement, mindfulness, and connecting with friends. Depending on your child’s age, you may even make a “menu” of coping skill options to help in stressful times and remind your child that there are tools at their fingertips.

Psssst: Check out Generation Mindful’s amazing tools! They have a game called Peacemakers that builds emotional IQ, a Time-In Toolkit, a plush toy collection called SnuggleBuddies, and an Online Positive Parenting class that all focus on teaching emotional health and coping skills to kids. Should we be concerned about kids not being able to see facial expressions? If so, what can parents do to help kids adapt or gain social skills?

Mask-Wearing Effects on Social-Emotional Health

What effects do you think mask-wearing will have on emotional health? Not being able to see facial expressions, be able to hear as well, etc?

Use Books or Other Tools and Practice

It’s really hard to predict how this will play out for our children.

However, keep in mind there are some countries with residents that regularly wear masks due to air quality (granted, not usually in the classroom).

Encourage your children to notice how people communicate what they are feeling outside of what their mouth does, including other facial cues, gestures, words spoken, and tone of voice.

If your child is in need of extra support, foster social and emotional understanding with books and educational shows. Make the experience interactive by making observations and asking questions (though be careful not to overdo it here!).

Make sure to allow time to practice wearing a mask before having to wear it at school all day. Your child will likely feel more confident and comfortable interacting with others in a mask if they have had time to adapt to it at home first.

Signs of Anxiety or Depression

What are signs parents should look for that their child is experiencing too much stress or if it’s turning into anxiety or depression? When should a parent seek professional help?

What to Look For

I always encourage parents to err on the side of seeking help if they think their child may need extra support.

You may consider seeking professional help if you notice:

changes to your child’s sleeping or eating habits
your child seems more fearful
your child is more tearful or emotional; your child frequently complains of physical pain/symptoms with no clear cause
they express to you thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideation
they spend more time in isolation
they stop finding pleasure in things they once enjoyed.

Again, parents, you know your child best. If something seems “off” or you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it may be time to seek a professional opinion. Many psychologists, therapists, and counselors are offering telehealth services from the comfort of your own home. If you’re ready to take that next step, we have a blog with tips about finding the right counselor for your child.

Thank you to The Childhood Collective for these incredible tips!

Additional Concerns

Do you have any concerns that weren’t covered? Comment below and I’ll try to do a follow-up post to address those.

And don’t forget to download the Emergency Emotional Toolbox to write out your thoughts and feelings to help walk your children through this time.

If have decided or are considering keeping your kids home for their education, check out 7 Practical Tips for Homeschooling and Working Full Time. Also included is a course that can really help working parents maintain sanity and emotional health for their whole family. It’s called “Work From Home With Kids And Thrive.” Enter the PROMO code: THRIVE25 for 25% off! We are going to have to make changes to make it through this thing without detrimental emotional scars. Thank goodness we were created to be resilient (with the right tools)!

And if you’re looking for online educational resources, download my free Master Home Education Resources eBook. It’s loaded with over 200 resources!

Encourage More Parents!

As I mentioned this is a very popular topic as I see constant posts and comments about parents’ concerns and worries in regards to sending their kids back to school. As they should be!

These tips that The Childhood Collective have provided can really help a lot of people but will only be seen if you share. Share in parent groups you’re in, with your school groups, or any other social media channel. Thank you so much!!!

July 8, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 10 Comments

An Easy Way for Kids To Pack School Lunch (Free Lunchbox List Printable)

Inside: Kids can learn how to pack their own school lunch by using this free lunchbox list. Discover the benefits of kids doing this life skill on their own and tips on how to teach it. Originally published: 7/28/19; updated July 8, 2020

A new school year is just around the corner! It doesn’t seem like schools quite know what they are doing yet, but it does look like many are requiring all lunches to be packed.

Does anyone else dread packing lunch for their kids? I sure did before I discovered that my kids can do it COMPLETELY by themselves! Without my involvement!

{This post contains affiliate links. This means if you click on something and purchase it, at no extra cost to you, I will earn a commission. see disclosure policy for details. )

No matter what I did such as try to get inspired and make something fancy or pack for an entire week in one day, it felt hard. I just didn’t want to do it. To add fuel to the fire, many times my kids would come home and complain about what they did or didn’t get for school lunch. OR they would give away their food or not eat it at all. Insert eye roll and a dagger to the heart here. Ha!

Then there would be days when I would have to go on a hunt for their lunchboxes and almost fall over from the smell of death.

Then I realized something super important.

Why in the world was I doing something for my kids who were perfectly capable of doing for themselves? What was I teaching them by packing their lunch and cleaning disgusting lost lunchboxes? How is this raising self-sufficient kids?

An Easy Way for Kids To Pack Their OWN School Lunch

Parents often do what psychologists refer to as over-functioning. Parent over-function for their kids by worrying too much about them or by not allow their kids to do what they are perfectly able and capable of doing themselves. And we now know how damaging over-functioning is as kids become adults. Essentially, it sets kids up for failure.

If my kids took the responsibility of packing, they have no one to complain to but themselves. And if they had to clean out a gross lunchbox, they would probably learn to not lose it or throw away their trash at school.

Lastly, they would become more independent which has a laundry list of benefits for a developing child.

Read More: Four Easy Steps For Teaching a Child a New Skill

Why Parents Should Let Their Children Pack Lunch

Here are the many reasons why kids should pack their own lunches and what I’ve learned by giving this responsibility to my boys.

Kids Will Learn How to Eat Healthy

Food affects my kids. Hands down. They do have “differently wired” brains, and therefore, we have to pay close attention to what they put in their bodies.

What we’ve found though is if we control what they eat, they make poor choices when we’re not around. Or they only want it because they can’t have it. So instead, we have taken the time to educate about healthy ways to eat, why it’s so important, and alternatives to sweets or foods they crave.

At ages eight and ten, they both even know how to properly read nutrition labels. I know adults who have no idea how to interpret these labels!

Having to pick out foods to pack for school lunch is a great way to teach kids about a balanced diet. In the lunch list, I provide below, it’s broken down into categories making this very easy for any child to do.

Kids Can Work On Life Skills

Statistics show this generation of kids entering adulthood is not ready. They don’t have the life skills or motivation to live on their own. That kind of scares me!

Starting kids early with simple things like packing school lunch every day will have lifelong benefits.

Kids Can Have Autonomy Over What They Eat

As I mentioned above, if kids pick what they are eating (with your guidance, of course), there is no room for complaints. All humans have an innate need to feel autonomous. This is such a beneficial and easy way to give kids control over their own lives. More on this can be found in one of my favorite books, The Self-Driven Child.

Also, this can broaden your kids’ palettes.

My oldest has come up with all kinds of concoctions that I would have never made for him. In addition, lessons have been learned as to what foods go together… and what does not. We’ll call it experimentation!

No More Power Struggles!

A lot of times, kids are picky because they don’t feel like they have control over what they eat. We have found this to be true with dinner.

If I fill a plate with food, our “picky eater” will immediately say it’s gross and that he doesn’t want it even though he ends up eating it anyway. However, if I put the same exact ingredients in separate containers for him to make his own plate, there is a lot less complaining because it is his choice.

School lunch is the same way. If your kids get to pick their own food using a lunchbox list, they are more likely to eat it and like it. Because they decided what to pack, less food is (usually) wasted.

4 Tips For Teaching Kids How To Pack School Lunch

Getting kids to pack their own lunch is an important life skill so how do we help them do it if they are resistant or have never done it before?

I’m a strong believer in scaffolding when it comes to helping our kids become independent. We need to support in the ways we can with the intention of completely removing ourselves when they are developmentally ready.

1. Discuss The New Responsibility

Before you do anything, have a little conversation about how they are getting older which comes with the privilege of being more responsible. Explain how they will need to pack their lunch every day.

Talk about it in a positive way!

“You get to do pack your own lunch now and pick what you want to eat!!!” Instead of, “I’m sick of packing your lunch and smelling your nasty lunch box, so it’s all on you, kid.”

I have to admit I have said the latter phrase but to my mirror only to get it out of my system. Because saying it to them would not be helpful in any way.

A great time to talk about their new responsibility is during a family meeting.

2. Help Devise a Plan

The plan doesn’t need to be complicated or involve a lot of steps.

A plan is important so your child knows what the expectations are. Instead of telling your child how and when to pack, have him or her take the lead while you facilitate the decisions. The more control he or she feels that they have, the more likely they will keep up the new skill to turn it into a habit.

The Time and Days Lunch Will Be Packed

A great tip I learned from a friend is to suggest that your kids pack lunches as soon as they get home from school. Before anything else, clean out the current day’s lunch and pack new food. Store it in the fridge so it’s ready to go the next morning.

Lunchbox Food Options

With the lunch box list I provide for you, it makes it easy to set rules on how many of each category a child needs.

Purchasing Lunch Options

When our kids used to go to a traditional school and they bought school lunch, we could usually tell in their attitudes and behavior almost immediately. However, for some reason, there are a few food choices that don’t have the same effect.

If your kids aren’t affected by what the school offers (or if your school is even going to have the cafeteria open), maybe give them the option to buy at least one day a week.

A Place To Put In Requests For Grocery Shopping

Because my kids are in control of what they eat (with guidance from us, their parents), I also give them a little freedom in what I will be purchasing from the grocery store.

We have the list on our command center. We have a place to put agenda items for our family meetings as well as what anyone wants to get from the grocery store. The command center is also where we hang our routines, monthly memories sheets, character strengths poster, empathy poster, camping packing lists and of course, our lunchbox list!

Now, we don’t eat food dyes and or a lot of processed sugar so I won’t buy those items. Instead, they can choose any fruits, vegetables, carbs or proteins they want for their lunchbox.

A Location For The Lunch Box, Containers and Food

Make sure everything your child needs to pack his or her own lunch is reachable. We moved all the containers to a floor level cabinet and the dried food/snacks on a lower shelf so there were no excuses of not being able to reach. This also keeps kids safe from having to climb countertops.

3. Provide the Materials Needed

What kids pack their lunches in matters.

With one of our kids, if any food touches or looks “gross”, it comes back home with him. Having the right containers and right-sized lunchboxes makes a big difference.

However, remember to give your kids the control over what they pack their lunch in and how. If they don’t do it the way you want, that’s okay! Yes, your way may work better, but it’s vital that they figure out what works best for them. Trial and error help kids develop the life-long skills they need to be competent adults.

The one thing I do is show my kids what food containers usually work well and what they have available to use.

Items That Work Well for Packed School Lunches

Water Bottle – We got these Zorri Sports Bottles this year for a little bigger bottle but less expensive just in case it gets lost. I recently found these Dyln bottles that look great too. I also found these super cool smart water bottles for kids called Gululu. The price is a little high but look at all the features in the video below!

Lunchboxes – These have lasted a few years even being left at school with food in them for months! Ha! And they fit the lunch containers as not all lunch boxes do.
Lunch containers – We love these. However, the lids have broken by the end of the year with the way my kids use them. Thankfully, the containers are rather inexpensive and easy to replace. We usually get a new set at the beginning of every school year. Side note: These four-compartment snack containers look GREAT for toddlers!
Sauce containers – These fit perfectly inside the lunch containers and keep sauces or dips separate from the other food.
Paper Towels – I encourage the kids to put at least one paper towel in their lunch boxes because, you know, messes!
Reusable Cutlery – These don’t always make it home but it does save from needing to constantly buy disposable forks and spoons. And they are better on the environment!
Thermos Food Jars (for hot stuff) – A great tip in using thermos containers is to pour boiling water into the container first, dump it out then put the heated food in. This keeps the food hotter for a lot longer.
Flat Icepacks – Sometimes, my kids will pack a few of the puzzle icepacks so they can build cubes once they’re done eating. Always creating.

In addition to all the items needed to pack lunch, something we have found super helpful are labels! We have been using Mabel’s Label’s since my oldest was a baby. They work well in the dishwasher, and they help our kids find their lost items at school. I love all the fun creations they have too!

4. Teach New Skills

With any new skill a child learns, they may need a little help. When we give new responsibilities to our kids without helping or giving expectations, we are setting them up for failure (or at least it will feel like a failure compared to what we expect).

Here are the four steps to take in teaching a child to pack his or her own lunch.

First, pack the lunch with him or her watching.

Second, do it together. We did step two for about two weeks before moving onto the third step of watching.

Once I oversaw the lunch packing process and they packed enough food with plenty of variety, they moved onto the last step of doing it themselves. Now and again, I will help or pack for them if something comes up, but for the most part, it’s their responsibility… and it’s GLORIOUS!

Here are some basic skills that are beneficial for kids to learn to help them be successful lunch packers.

Cutting With A Knife

Our middle child loves to cook so for his sixth birthday, his aunt and uncle got this AWESOME kid knife set. They also got him these cut-resistant gloves which he still uses.

The gloves have been essential to giving him the confidence he needs to cut vegetables and fruits knowing that he won’t get hurt. And it’s a peace of mind for me to know he’s not going to cut his hand wide open. I don’t do blood very well.

We had to teach him how to properly hold a knife, how to cut certain fruits and vegetables, where to place his “helper hand” and where to put the knife when he was finished.

Microwaving Food

Using a microwave is simple for us adults. For kids, they may need a quick tutorial.

Most importantly, we need to go over what can and CANNOT go into a microwave. Avoiding explosions is a must in our house and probably should be a rule for all.

Packing the Lunch Container

Some kids struggle with visual perception skills so by showing them what fits in each part, they can get the amount of food they need.

They may also need help with putting the lid on or zipping the lunch box especially if they are young. Doing these things requires both fine and gross motor skills.

Making A Sandwich

One of our kids loves the loaded meat, cheese, and lots of sauces sandwiches whereas the other is more of a PB&J kind of guy. Both involve different skills.

We took the time to show each of them how to make a basic sandwich and how to use a butter knife to spread the sauces, peanut butter or jelly.

When Your Kid Doesn’t Seem Ready

If you have a child who just doesn’t seem like he or she can fully take on this responsibility, that’s okay! Here’s a great place to start:

Designate a drawer in your fridge and a bin(s) in the pantry for their lunch food items.
Bag up the items they can pack at the beginning of the week – Have your child HELP with this task.
Label how many items they need to grab from the fridge and how many they can from the pantry.
When it’s time to pack the lunch, simply have your child pick what he or she wants from what you prepared and put it in their lunch container or lunch box.

After it seems like your kids can pack the school lunch items by themselves, you can slowly start introducing food preparation skills.

What Kids Should Pack For Lunch

I created a master school lunch food list (download here) for my kids that I laminated and attached to our command center in the kitchen. Whenever they’re stuck on what to pack, my boys grab the sheet and make sure something from the required categories get thrown in the lunchbox.

They are required to have at least one protein, one fruit or veggie, and one carb. What they pack and how much is completely their choice.

Here are the main categories of food:

Protein
Fruit
Veggies
Carbs
Dairy
Nuts & Seeds
Sweet Treats

Free Download!

This has been so helpful for our family, I wanted to make it available to you as well. Bonus! I updated it for the company I work for so I’m including that one for you to download as well!! My boys like the colors better and there are a few added options.

It’s an exhaustive list of every healthy-ish easy-to-pack food I could think of.

Something I’ve also done is put a small mark next to all the items we currently have in the fridge or pantry. As the year went on, I forgot to do this part, but the kids figured it out. They’re rather resilient!

Now It’s Your Turn! Happy Packing!

Remain patient and remember that your children may fall back to old habits or complain they don’t want to pack.

Empathize and stay positive. Give specific ways you have overcome that feeling of dread to help them realize what a special opportunity they have to be self-sufficient.

So, tell me, will these tips help your kids pack their lunch? Or what are your concerns about giving this responsibility to your kids? I’d love to know! Please comment below.

And don’t forget to share with your mom and dad friends!

June 27, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 12 Comments

4 Easy Steps for Teaching Life Skills to Kids

Inside: Teaching kids life skills is imperative for raising self-sufficient, independent, self-reliant adults. Here are four simple steps to take in teaching a new skill to kids. Scroll to the bottom for a free life skills by age printable!

At the start of kindergarten and second grade for my two little guys, our morning routine looked similar to that of The Jetsons except for my husband and I were the machines.

We unintentionally got into the habit of waking them, dressing the younger kiddo, making breakfast, packing their book bags, and walking them to the bathroom. I’m almost embarrassed to say we even PUT THEIR SHOES ON while they did nothing.

teaching kids life skills such as cutting fruits and veggies

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Yep, there it is. We weren’t allowing them to have any autonomy whatsoever.

It’s not because we didn’t think they were capable. Oh, our oldest did all of those things on his own starting in Kindergarten. It’s because it was:

Easier
Faster
Involved no power struggles
and did I mention easier AND faster?

Now, with the implementation of routines, they do all of those things at only a year older.

READ MORE >> Routines for Kids: Why They Work & How to Create Your Own

When I tell people our third grader (read: nine-year-old) makes his own hot breakfast, including eggs, French toast, and pancakes, I get a lot of surprised looks, which are followed up with a lot of questioning.

Recently, I was talking with a mom who told me they just couldn’t trust their son because he can be impulsive. My son, too! I was able to share with her a four-step process to teach life skills that I break down below which I got from Julie Lythcott-Haims. author of “How To Raise An Adult.”

Life skills matter. I love what Caitlin Van Wyk has to say about why life skills matter for kids on Parent From Heart. She explains how life skills develop resiliency in kids. It helps them pick themselves up when life happens and things don’t always go as planned. Also, it helps kids develop many more traits and interpersonal skills such as regulating emotions, learning how to make responsible choices, critically solving problems, and more.

Four Steps For Teaching A New Skill To Kids

Learning new life skills can be exciting and rewarding for a child. It leads to autonomy which creates competence and self-confidence. Say that ten times fast.

mom teaching boy life skills of packing lunch and cutting fruit

I came across a very interesting study done by the online security company, AVG that found 47% of small children were able to navigate a smartphone but couldn’t do basic life skills like tying their shoes. Also, they referenced learning to ride a bike or swim unaided.

This hit me hard in the chest because it took us forever to teach our middle child how to tie his shoes since he didn’t need that skill. Thank you Under Armour Alternative Lace Sneaker 😉.

It’s not about needing to but the feeling of confidence in being able to do something on your own is what we are missing.

I have clear memories when I was five years old being able to tie my shoes for the very first time. As those loops came and STAYED together, I had an overwhelming exciting feeling. The feeling of competence.

We robbed our son of that because it was just easier to buy Velcro shoes. When we finally did teach him, we ended up using this video from Understood.org if you’re in the same boat of needing to teach your own child.

Consider These Things When Teaching New Life Skills To Kids

Your Child’s Readiness

Keep in mind your child’s personality, age, coordination, and physical ability.

The Time To Teach

Try to avoid times when your child is not ready to learn such as when he or she is hungry or tired. You may also want to eliminate any distractions.

The Difficulty Level

Consider how difficult or easy the skill is and make sure it’s developmentally appropriate. Teaching a two-year-old how to tie his shoes may just result in a lot of frustration because he or she probably doesn’t have the motor skills to do that skill yet.

Pssst: You can figure out what life skills kids typically can do by age group in this free Life Skills by Age Printable that you will get when you sign up for my newsletter.

Take As Much Time As Needed

Some kids may be on step one for one day, step two for multiple months, and step three for a little while longer before getting to full independence. Don’t feel like you need to rush it or do it all in one sitting.

I have been on step three with one of my boys teaching him how to pack for camping for like two years now. One day, he’ll fully pack on his own!

Now if it’s something like folding clothes, that’s a zip-through-the-process kind of task for most kids five and older. Allow your kid to feel confident enough to complete the task before you remove yourself from the process.

Give Encouragement

Focus on praising life skills or pointing out what they are learning. Try to avoid “personality praise” which is using labels like “smart kid” or “rock star”. Instead, praise the skill he or she learned and the effort it took to complete it.

Make the Experience POSITIVE

Focus on what they are doing right, not what they are doing wrong. They will continue to improve with time.

Find a Developmentally Appropriate Way of Teaching

There may be a more fun way of doing a skill or a way that allows doing something usually older kids do. For example, just this morning, my sister-in-law sent me a video of her FIVE-year-old making pancakes all by herself. She first sprayed the pan and then had a squeezy bottle from Dollar Tree of pancake batter that she squeezed onto the pan. GENIUS!

Give Your Child Time to Practice

Like with anything, practice makes perfect, right? Well, perfection isn’t quite the result we’re looking for but I know you get me.

READ NEXT: Why praise doesn’t work to motivate kids and what to do instead

For the cooking hot breakfast skill, we did steps 1-3 all in one day. It only took a day or so before my son was doing it completely on his own. We do still supervise while he’s turning on and off the stove, but that’s because we like our house and prefer it doesn’t burn down.

4 steps for teaching a child new life skills graphic

A quick disclaimer about the photos listed for each step below:

When originally writing this post, I picked a skill to teach. We decided to blow a bubble because gum is fun. After multiple tries, we realized it’s kind of hard to blow a bubble with no two front teeth.

Whoops!

I envisioned him with this huge bubble beaming with pride. Instead, he shed a few tears, got frustrated but decided he’ll try again when his teeth come in. It’s all part of the process, right?

And seeing that this is being updated a year and a half after, he can now blow a bubble! We kept working on each step until he got it.

Now onward with the steps!!! (Totally said with my chest sticking out and my right arm up in the sky😂)!

Step 1: Your Child Learns From You

There are two different approaches you can take for this step:

Take whichever task or skill you want your child to do such as clean the sinks, get dressed, or make hot breakfast, and show her how to do it.

Give verbal instructions. It helps to get on your child’s level and make sure you have his or her undivided attention. Use a calm voice with words she can understand to give clear instructions. You can even make a poster or write the instructions down.
Show or model the skill. This tends to be more effective and successful. Instead of just telling your child how to do something, show him or her! Move at a slow pace to ensure all the steps are shown clearly.

Step 2: You Do The Task WITH Your Child

Now that your child knows what and how to do the skill, it’s now time to do it together. Keep in mind he or she is learning so take it at the pace they need.

While I was teaching my son how to make eggs, we each did a different part of the task as he was continuously watching what he didn’t know how to do yet.

Step 3: You Watch Your Child

This one is easy to skip but it’s important that you don’t. Our kids need reassurance that we are there for support. They also need to know you are on their team.

This is a great way to build that self-confidence so your child is affirmed in knowing he can accomplish (big or small) things without you.

My son was so proud when he cracked that egg and no shell pieces were floating in the bowl. He kept looking at me as he turned on the stove to ensure he was doing it correctly. I was there to be his cheerleader and to keep him safe.

Step 4: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-C-E

You know what I mean? (Just in case you didn’t get that, it’s a song!)

The final step is getting your kids to do the new skill on their own. Your kids need to feel agency and be intrinsically motivated. They will feel a sense of relief to not have you breathing down their necks with criticism or not allowing them to do things on their own.

Why Kids Need Independence

Do you remember why my husband and I did everything for our kids? It’s because it felt easy. But these reasons why independence is so important help remind me that it really isn’t making anything easy to achieve our goal of raising adults.

Here are the reasons why it’s so important to get to step 4:

It teaches self-discipline
Kids feel self-worth and have greater self-esteem
It allows kids to experience failure and more importantly resiliency skills
And lastly, it teaches kids to make their own choices in what they want and like to do

Take a Class

One other way that kids can acquire new skills quickly is through taking classes. Check into your local library or community center for life skills classes such as cooking.

Here are a few classes and subscription boxes I’ve come across that your kids may love to learn a new skill!

UCode – Online coding classes such as animation and Python
Creative Bug – Online art classes
Epic Soccer Training – Online classes to teach you how to be a stellar soccer player
Read Music Notes for Children – Learn how to read music
Raddish Kids – Cooking subscription boxes for kids
Piano For All – Online piano classes
Little Passports – themed subscription boxes for kids
Kiwi Crate – STEM subscription boxes for kids
For Purpose Kids – Kindness kits for kids

Life Skills By Age

For kicks, I created A “Life Skills by Age” Guide. It’s super helpful to realize where we are ahead of the curve or a little behind on teaching our kids skills that will benefit them into adulthood.

What new skills have you been teaching your kids?

Originally published on January 29, 2019; updated on October 23, 2024

June 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 7 Comments

Creative Kids: Engineering Inflatable Project for Kids

Inside: How engineering, building and making foster creativity in kids. Also included is an engineering activity for kids, how to make an Inflatable friend. The inflatable project was inspired by The Tech Interactive and is the second activity in the Creative Kids Mini Series. Click here to download the experiment to print and do at home!

My oldest son’s favorite way to be creative is through engineering, inventing, building, and making! He has been a maker before he knew how to walk!

Engineering and creativity go hand in hand. Engineering needs creativity to provide breakthroughs during the design phase.

In an abstract by David, H. Cropley of the University of South Australia on Creativity in Engineering, he states, “Creativity is the fundamental element of Engineering. Creativity is concerned with the generation of effective, novel solutions to problems, while Engineering, and Engineering Design has a similar goal, focused on technological solutions.”

inflatable friend engineering project for kids

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My kids love doing engineering activities for kids. However, something I’ve noticed is that when they have more access to screens (any including television, computers, tablets, video games), the less they want to make and create. The attitudes and anger often come in full force as well. This is why we have a zero TV rule M-F and Minecraft only gets played on the weekend.

Because of this, we are teaching our kids how to use the computer as a tool. When used to design, research, or engineer a project, their nervous systems don’t get as overloaded and they don’t spend as much mindless time on a screen. It’s more mind-full time!

Another thing I’ve noticed is that the project cannot be my idea!

Do you know anyone like that?

So instead, I keep the materials in an easy-to-access location in our house and I may suggest a project, but then don’t mention it again (which is super hard for me to do)!

Side Note: I recently came across UCode which a company that offers coding classes for kids! If you have kids like mine who are very interested in all things STEM and coding, you should check them out. And if you’re reading this during the summer, they have a ton of summer camps like Python Plus Camp and Animation Camp.

Engineering Activities For Kids

Let’s unpack what engineering activities for kids are.

An engineer is a person who not only builds something but also designs and maintains everything from machines, engines, structures, and the environment.

When engineering is introduced to kids, it needs to be developmentally appropriate.

Help your child take big concepts and pare those concepts down to simpler ideas that they can create, implement, review, and do all over again. With the rise of technology and STEAM and STEM curriculum, kids have been exposed to engineering at a much younger age so they can develop even more advanced skills early on.

The Engineering Process For Kids

This doesn’t have to be a formal process but it is good for kids to understand that there is a process that engineers take when making or building something. It is iterative which means the different steps are repeated until the project is complete.

Also, while steps need to be revisited, the engineer makes improvements and learns through failure.

The Design Process Has 7 Parts:

Define the problem
Research the problem
Brainstorm solutions
Pick one solution and begin planning
Create by building a prototype
Test and evaluate
Make improvements

This is such a great way to explain the engineer design process for kids!

How Engineer Projects Help Kids

While watching kids play, you can already see that they are natural-born engineers.

This is how kids discover their world.

Stacking a ton of blocks on top of each other to see what happens when it’s knocked over is one of the first ways kids explore how things work.

Two of my boys learned how to use a (real) screwdriver before they were three. They love to take things apart and figure out how to put them back together again. Actually, they are still like that!

When kids become curious and begin to design or make something, they learn so many skills. Engineering not only requires creativity but also applies the disciplines of math and science.

Once kids use their minds and hands to make something, they can see how these subjects are relevant to their everyday lives.

Lastly, kids often work with others in the engineering process. When this happens, they learn both collaboration and effective communication skills. All of these benefits and skills are crucial as our society moves forward with all its technological advances.

Read Next: The Best STEM Toys for Kids

Inflatable Project For Kids

This project was inspired by The Tech Interactive.

I stumbled across their site when researching hundreds of educational resources and websites for kids. I highly recommend you check out all they have to offer. Also, if you are ever near Silicon Valley, you should check out their physical Science Center. I can’t wait to go one day!

Bonus!!! If you’re looking for ways to entertain your kids that are educational or you need to supplement your education during temporary homeschooling, click here to receive The Ultimate Home Education Resource when subscribing to the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter.

I’ll walk you through the steps to make an inflatable friend or you can scroll to the bottom of this post to watch the Tech Interactive’s video that inspired us.

Materials:

Plastic- grocery bags, garbage bags, shopping bags, bubble wrap (!) or any other kind of plastic that you can fill with air will work!
Tape
Scissors
Sharpie
Accessories – pipe cleaners, buttons, feathers, yarn, ribbons or anything else you would like to embelish your inflatable friend with
A Fan or Blower

A great place to get materials if you don’t have them on hand is Dollar Tree.

How to Create An Inflatable Friend

Now the fun part!

Step 1: Prepare

Pull out all your materials and come up with an idea of how you are going to create a friend out of plastic. You can draw a design or simply discuss it.

On the Tech Interactive’s Instagram page, they had fans who made the COOLEST inflatable friends. One was taller than the little girl’s house and another was the ghost from Ghost Busters! I even saw a cactus friend. Now, that my friends, is creativity!

Step 2: Create

Start cutting and taping!

There will be trial and error during this step. Encourage your kids to use tape in different ways to figure out what works best to attach the plastic. Tech Interactive recommends using poster board or something thicker at the bottom to give the inflatable friend structural support.

We worked on this step for a while!

Step 3: Blow Up With Air

Fill your inflatable friend with AIR!

You can use a blow dryer, leaf blower, extra large fan or what we used was the fan for our indoor bounce house.

You may need to figure out where holes are in the plastic or materials you use in order to figure out how to get your inflatable friend to stay up. It took us a while, but when our friend finally stood tall, my son was SO excited. I was also excited because I caught his natural reaction on camera.

Step 4: Spread Joy to Your Neighbors

We put our inflatable friend outside in the driveway so it could waive to friends and neighbors to spread a little joy as this was during the stay at home orders. We had a few friends stop by and other neighbors smile big as they walked by.

Step 5: Discussion

After you are finished, end with some questions!

I love getting insight on what my kids’ favorite part was or what they would do differently. After reading Alfie Kohn’s book, Punishment By Rewards, I’m careful not to tell the kids, “Good Job”, but instead reflect on how they feel about what they created. I’m sure this helps raise creative kids as well as they won’t constantly be looking for other people’s approval through life.

Read Next: Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What To Do Instead

What We Did:

The boys watched the video from Tech Interactive on how to make an inflatable project then I asked what kind of materials they wanted me to help them gather. They decided to keep it simple but wanted to go tall and big!

We pulled out different colored grocery bags, scotch tape, yarn, sharpies and one of my sons grabbed fake money. Dollar Tree is a great place to check out too!

After the first round of cuts to the bags, my oldest son realized it was much easier to cut the sides of the bags so they could fully open, then tape from there.

My middle son was in charge of the face so he drew eyes, a mouth, and taped yarn for hair. Then he decided to put money in the friend’s hand that they later took off because of the added weight.

The last thing they did was add arms. They left the “hands” open so the air could flow out of them.

Once my boys’ inflatable friend was finished, it was time to blow him up!

The boys brainstormed what they could use for air. Pretty much at the same time they remembered the bounce house fan. It was a good size and blew a lot of air with a lot of force.

Plugging it into the garage outlet, the boys completed their inflatable project in our driveway for neighbors to see as I mentioned above. It took many tries to get our friend to stay standing because there were too many holes throughout the body. With perseverance, my son continued to use tape until he was successful.

Free Inflatable Friend Worksheet

If you would like to do this project and would rather print out instructions, you can download here! Or you can grab the printable from The Tech Interactive’s website; it has more educational content!

Happy Making!

June 12, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 23 Comments

The Importance of Creative Kids

Inside: I wanted to figure out about the world of creative kids – what creativity even is, what makes a child creative, how to cultivate creativity at home, and how to raise kids who are curious about their world and use that creativity for good.

This is also a kick-off to a mini-series on creative projects we have been working on during quarantine! All the other posts in the series are linked at the bottom of this post.

“The future belongs to a very different kind of person with a very different kind of mind—creators and empathizers, pattern recognizers, and meaning makers.”

― Daniel H. Pink, A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future

My boys and I were all sitting around the kitchen table starting school for the day. One was working on the computer. Another son was writing his word and sentence of the day.

My toddler hasn’t started school yet so he was getting ready to create art. I put an oversized piece of paper, stamps, markers, scissors, and a box of colorful masking tape in front of him.

He started out by writing on the paper and putting tape on it, which is what I expected him to do. But after leaving him alone for a few minutes, he did something else.

Grabbing all the rolls of purple, green, pink, blue, white, yellow, and black tape, he began to stack them up to make a huge tower. After he ran out of rolls, he used a marker as his sword watching the tape disperse all over the table (and his brother’s schoolwork).

This went on for a good 40 minutes!

Then after that activity, he proceeded to dig through the costume bin to find a Viking helmet. Instead of becoming a Viking, he took one of the horns out, turned the helmet around, and became a rhino!

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

I couldn’t help but start to think about creative kids, what creativity is, how parents can cultivate creativity at home, what hinders creativity, and how useful creativity is in life.

Also, I’m a huge proponent of maker spaces and STEM projects so I figured I’d kick off a Creative Kids Series of projects we have been working on with this post on creative children.

What is Creativity?

Before learning about child and brain development, when I heard the word creativity, I thought of drawing, painting, writing, making music, and making crafts. However, it’s so much more than crayons, markers, and glue when you look at different disciplines that study it.

By definition, creativity means, “the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination.

Wowzas! That’s loaded.

I’m a visual person so this infographic made it easier for me to grasp.

Cognitive science defines creativity as a characteristic that produces new and useful ideas. The kicker is for it to ascend from imaginative to creative means that the idea isn’t just thought of but acted upon. Creativity is both thinking and producing.

Positive Psychology views creativity as a core character strength and synonymous with originality and ingenuity. The definition is similar to what I stated above in which it says that creativity is the ability to come up with novel and productive ideas to conceptualize and achieve goals.

When it comes to creative kids, the way I think about it is perfectly stated in this quote by Maria Montessori,

“Nothing should be given to the brain that is not first given to the hand.”

When kids can take an idea and touch it, mold it, and explore it deeper, creativity begins to emerge.

Why Creativity is Imperative

Hands down, creativity is important for children whether they are born creative or not because it helps with self-expression and supports emotional and mental health.

Being able to tap into creativity increases the quality of a child’s life all the way into adulthood. It is actually proven to increase longevity as well.

Kathryn Haydon, author of “Creativity For Everybody” says, “Creativity as a strength is fail-safe because everybody is creative. To be human is to be creative. Creative strengths are human qualities that support creative thinking. Every person has unique strengths in creativity even if a person knows they have them or not.”

Creativity gives all people young and old confidence and tools to live a fulfilling life. If I asked you right now what you want for your child as he or she becomes an adult, I’m sure the answer would be something along the lines of “be happy.”

Creativity is the gateway to that happiness if used in a positive way.

The Importance of Creative Kids

Kids are either born creative with divergent, imaginative, out-of-the-box thinking or they are not. However, children can learn how to be creative even if they are not naturally wired that way.

Characteristics of Creative Kids:

Creative kids tend to have:

Creativity awareness
Independent thought and the need to do things differently
Insight (a-ha moments)
Significant and detailed imagination
More open-minded thoughts toward the opposition
Self-actualized abilities
A love for abstract objects and thoughts
Strong work ethic
Innocence
The ability to make unusual connections between unrelated ideas
The ability to rearrange ideas to create new ideas or things
Endless amount of ideas or solutions
Unusual sense of humor
An inquisitive mind
A need to challenge adults

Allow your creative kids to push boundaries but remember to set limits! Provide environments that allow for the positive expression of those qualities.

Creativity can manifest both in positive and negative ways. When kids are creative in a negative way, redirect that into a positive.

One example of negative creativity is drawing on the walls. Redirect that behavior by painting a walk with chalk paint so they can use chalk (only on that wall, of course!) or dry-erase paint to use markers (which may be a little riskier).

How to Cultivate Creativity At Home

Creativity cannot be taught, but we parents sure can cultivate it in our kids!

To start, we need to be aware of creativity. Hopefully, you are now if you’ve gotten this far. We also need to embrace novelty and new ideas, ways of thinking, messes, and projects.

Offer Choices and Opportunities

Any chance you get, offer your child a choice. This can be from what your toddler wants to wear for the day or what activity your elementary child wants to do if they are bored. Kids thrive on being autonomous so let them run free within the limits and values you have set for your family.

In addition to choice, present creative opportunities as often as you can such as:

Have materials on hand in an easy-to-reach spot (as long as your child is responsible enough to use those materials).
Include creative time into your daily routine or summer schedule.
Help your child learn how to play a musical instrument by choosing a school that teaches it, signing him or her up for lessons, or teaching it yourself. You can also try Piano For All or Rocket Ukulele).
Take your child to museums or makerspaces.
Choose a school that celebrates creativity.
Sign your child up for (free or paid) art lessons (check out Creative Bug), coding classes (like UCode), or robotics classes.
Take your child to the library to pick out books on creative mediums he or she is interested in.
And more!

Embrace the Mess and Ambiguity!

Just like with, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby with a baby carriage”, with creativity, it’s, “First comes creativity then comes exploration and invention, next comes a huge mess in a chaotic environment.” I know it doesn’t rhyme but you get the point. Ha!

In all honesty, exploration, inventive thinking, and creation come with messes that we should embrace.

An important part of this is to make sure you give your creative child the tools to clean up when appropriate. Cleaning and organization require executive function skills which many creative kids typically are developmentally delayed in acquiring.

That doesn’t mean they should leave messes everywhere though! Instead, work with and teach your disorganized creative child the skills he or she needs to organize and clean up after him or herself!

My creative child cannot organize his thoughts let alone organize a room so instead of getting frustrated, we have come up with a system to work together. Because honestly, it would be way easier if I just did it myself.

Related: 4 Easy Steps For Teaching Life Skills to Kids

Provide a Workspace or Area For Creative Time

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law transformed their formal dining room into a process art studio. It is the coolest space I’ve ever seen in a home. They have incredibly gifted and creative children who FLOURISH and stay busy for hours in that room.

Unfortunately, we don’t have space in our home, but we do have a way to turn our kitchen table into a little creative space.

Back Off!

Of course, I’m saying that in the most loving way from a friend to a friend.

To foster creativity in our kids, we need to give them the space to be creative.

Have you ever found yourself correcting a piece of art they are making to look exactly like the protocol or telling your kids what they are doing wrong? With creativity, there is no right or wrong, and the more we interfere with the process, the less creative our kids can be.

Creative Kids Have Special Strengths

Another reason why creative kids are important and why we should be celebrating them instead of sending them to the back of the room in a classroom or getting frustrated is because of the strengths that lie within their souls.

I recently connected with Kathryn Haydon of “The Non-Obvious Guide to Being Creative” who also fights for people’s strengths in this deficit-focused world. She has a Creative Strengths Spotter using Gary Davis’s extensive research on creative characteristics.

I wanted to include it in this post so you can find out what your child’s superpower is!

Often times creative characteristics can be seen as a problem or challenge (especially in a traditional classroom!). Instead, help your child figure out what strengths he or she beholds and you will see confidence, new ideas, more adaptability to change, and you will watch your child rise above the status quo.

When kids feel understood and heard, the unwanted behaviors dissolve and the good choices rise.

The 16 Creative Strengths

As you can see, the characteristics of creative kids are also mostly core creative strengths.

Creative Kids Can Change The World

When creativity is harnessed and fostered in a way that celebrates instead of alienates kids, magical things can really happen.

Children can use their powers for good and be a big bright shining light in the darkest parts of the world we live in.

What Are You Doing To Foster Creativity In Your Child’s Life?

I would love to know how creativity is released in your home. And as always, I’m incredibly thankful if you share this with your mom groups or on social media. Thank you!!!

Check Out These Other Posts In The Creative Kids Series:

Process Art: Paint Rockets Activity
Engineering: Engineering Inflatable Project For Kids
Art & Engineering: Super Simple Kaleidoscope For Kids

June 9, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 16 Comments

10 Ways To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Inside: Being silent does not raise children who value all people and races, instead it can encourage racism. Here are 10 ways to encourage parents to avoid raising racist kids.

Growing up with friends from different races and cultures, I was ignorant about the adversity they had to face. It wasn’t until my first college English Writing class that my eyes opened a bit more.

One of the topics of discussion we had towards the beginning of the semester was racism. The class was predominantly filled with white students. A (white) girl who raised her hand ignorantly said something along the lines of, “The first time I saw a black person, I didn’t know what to do.”

My face immediately felt hot with anger and my heart filled with sadness. I typically run away from controversy but at this moment, I was overcome with a feeling of wanting to jump over her desk and shake her. I couldn’t sit there listening to her ramble about how unsafe she felt although the person was just walking down the street.

I spoke up and asked, “What in the world do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What if I walked in here with a paper bag on my head and you couldn’t tell what my skin looked like? Would you be scared?”

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I was so confused.

It made absolutely no sense to me why one person would be judged so harshly only because of what they looked like or who their ancestors were.

I was confused but also so naive. And I was ignorant for not realizing what this country was founded on. My knowledge was only based on what I learned in school, which hasn’t been the whole truth, right? I was never shaken to the core with the truth.

Although I had these feelings of wanting to stand up for my fellow human beings of different races, I really didn’t know how to. I was taught to be kind to all people but didn’t know a lot about racism or how to fight against it.

Now that I have children of my own and they are old enough to use their voices to make a difference, I am learning how to teach anti-racism and how to educate my children about what some of their friends have to face that they most likely never will. I don’t want to raise racist kids who inadvertently grow up with unintentional or intentional racist thoughts or actions.

We have also been focusing a lot on developing empathy. What it is, how to put ourselves in other’s shoes, and why it matters.

In our city where we are raising our kids, 84.2% of the population is white, almost 6% black, 3.5% other, 2.6% Asian, 3% more than one race, and less than 1% Native American. The surrounding cities’ demographics are also similar to ours.

So basically, we are raising white boys in a predominantly white area.

I have been cognizant about partaking in our city’s MLK Day Celebration and listening to black preachers and speakers talk about equality and the work of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Additionally, although I didn’t realize it the first time we went, I often take my boys to a barbershop where most of the barbers are black. Any time we have been, we are the only white people waiting and I’m usually the only female. But…

Is making an effort to be around people of color enough?

No! It’s not.

This is why I need to figure out what my role is in raising anti-racist kids. I need to stop only giving the message of, “love all people and kindness wins” as I have been doing.

I need to stop being afraid of not saying the right thing or offending someone for fighting too hard or not fighting hard enough.

I need to stop feeling like I can’t do anything because I am white.

I need to stop (unintentionally) being colorblind.

I need to stop being fearful of everyone’s opinion and instead, live out what I know to be true and love all people in addition to standing up and fighting for what is right.

What Does It Mean To Be An Anti-Racist?

In order to understand what an anti-racist is, let’s look at what the dictionary says a racist is.

A racist is “a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that one’s own racial group is superior or that a particular racial group is inferior to the others.” Racism is defined as “hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.”

Even though I claim to not be a racist, I have had thoughts of racism without even realizing it. My eyes filled with tears as I reread that sentence.

I have to work hard to uncover where those thoughts are coming from and refrain from letting them manifest into something bigger.

Culture is a huge culprit as well as media exposure and honestly, policies in this country. I didn’t even realize how much I make general assumptions instead of focusing on individual behavior. Worst yet, I’m modeling that for my children.

To be an anti-racist is much more than just saying, “I’m not a racist.”

I recently listened to Brene Brown’s interview with Dr. Ibram X. Kendi about his book, “How to Be An Antiracist.” Much of what they both talked about really resonated and opened my eyes to the difference of not being a racist and being an anti-racist. What I gathered is there is no in-between. No gray area. Either you are or you aren’t and it takes hard work to rise above and distinguish racist idealogy and thoughts.

To be anti-racist means to move beyond saying you’re not racist and instead adopting and acting on antiracist views and beliefs. Kendi says, “What an anti-racist does first and foremost is identify racial inequities.”

Lastly, to be an anti-racist means that you need to let go of any racist thoughts and take action.

How To Avoid Raising Racist Kids

Before I get into the resources that will help our family practice anti-racism and not only focus on not being racist, I want to mention that I am working on being as authentically real as my soul will allow with every word.

If I pose a question or seem ignorant, it’s because I am and I want to learn more.

My OCD causes me to digest as much information as possible, but in this instance, there is so much of “I don’t know what I don’t know“.

Please feel free to comment below this post and add whatever other information that will help me and other parents become more purposeful in how we teach our kids about racism.

If you are in the same boat and don’t even know where to start, here are 10 ways to avoid raising racist kids. Also included are ways to teach your kids about anti-racism to empower them to stand up for what’s right.

1. Educate Yourself

This is it!

We must start with US!

The work begins in us before we even open our mouths to speak to our kids. This goes for everything in parenting. Not only do we have nothing to give when our emotional cup is empty, but we also have nothing to give if we lack knowledge or wisdom.

For me, I first start by diving deep into God’s word and praying for my brothers and sisters.

Because of current events happening in our country around racial injustice, there is an abundant amount of resources helping parents navigate this topic.

Out of all the articles and videos I watched, the one that I found the most valuable place to start is from Dr. Jazmine of the Mom Psychologist.

She strongly suggests that we parents put on our own oxygen masks first. She says, “We need to work on unlearning and relearning what we need to know because we cannot start this conversation about race until we have first started it with ourselves.”

In her video on How to Be a White Ally: How White Shame is Getting In the Way, she talks about sitting in discomfort and then using those emotions and feelings to take action. Don’t allow the discomfort or shame of not doing something in the past to keep you in that same place. Instead, rise up and do the work.

Being a highly sensitive and empathic person, this work is extra difficult for me. I can’t help but feel intense emotions as I digest the information. The tears don’t stop. But instead of allowing myself to flee from those uncomfortable feelings, I’m making a conscious decision to be gloriously ruined so I can grow through the pain.

Also, remember to give yourself time. Unpacking your mental model of what race is and what you do about racism took years to develop so it may take years to unravel enough to do something about it.

This is an ongoing process. Never stop learning.

Here are some people and resources that have been helpful for me so far on my journey to be an antiracist:

EmbraceRace
The Children’s Community School – Social Justice Resources
How to Be an Antiracist by Dr. Ibram X. Kendi
Real American by Julie Lithcott-Haims (I also highly recommend her book, How To Raise An Adult)
Latasha Morrison
What Does The Bible Say About Racism?
The Mom Psychologist
ADL
Candace Owens
Anti-racism Resources For White People Google Doc
The Labouring Mom
Becoming Mamas Together has a post with great resources

2. Talk About Race and Racism

Start early and do it often.

Having “the talk” one time about difficult topics isn’t effective. Only one conversation negates the importance or makes it seem taboo.

Many white parents neglect to talk about race. The reason is that they probably don’t even think about it or they don’t find it necessary.

Look around. It’s a conversation that can not be nor should be avoided.

How To Talk About Racism to Kids

When talking to your kids about race, be direct and specific. Point out differences in a positive light. Celebrate the differences of others that you see when reading books, while out in public, at school, or even watching a show.

Parents Magazine has a great age-by-age guide that walks you through how to talk to kids about racism starting very young.

Ages 0-6: Expose your child to other races and cultures. If you don’t live in a diverse area, study other cultures together. If a need for conversation around racism or bigotry arises, do it but in a developmentally appropriate way by labeling emotions and giving basic facts. Remember silence is worse than saying too much.
Ages 6-8: Conversations around racism may be a little easier at this age. Give your child the space to ask questions and express their curiosity. It is suggested that you use simple language, are honest, and don’t overdo it.
Ages 9-11: Don’t allow kids to hear about scary events from TV or the internet. Instead, be the person that informs them what is going on. When discussing racism with this age group, keep the language neutral.
Teens: Say something if you observe your teenagers engaging in racist thoughts or acts. Be cautious to keep the conversation open and help your teen think about concepts he or she has never thought about before.

Go with your gut and attune to where your child is in his or her understanding. The main point is to speak up instead of staying silent.

3. Read Books Together

As soon as I realized that I needed to step up my game in raising anti-racist kids, I logged onto the city’s library portal to request some books so we could start reading together.

I also added Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning to my Amazon cart since there were so many pending requests from the library.

We have some others from this list we are wanting to add to our bookshelf as well.

4. Teach Your Child How to Listen

Being a good listener is stinking hard. We are wired to voice our opinions, maybe offer help, and be heard. Listening takes more work.

The best way to teach our kids to listen well is to be a good listener ourselves. Use eye contact, and positive body language, and be fully present. Then point out those traits of being a good listener when trying to understand other people.

Have discussions about how much can be learned simply from listening without making judgments. Wyoming Early Childhood Network has a great infographic that teaches kids how to become good listeners.

5. Support People of Color and Other Races

Buy books from authors of all races, watch movies with diverse casts and/or directed by people of color, listen to music from other cultures, and attend plays or concerts with diverse casts or artists.

>> Looking for books to read with your kids or encourage them to read? Check out these lists of books I curated on parenting and teaching kids about diversity and race on Bookshop.

6. Diversify Your Friend Group

If you live in an area like we do, this is harder to do. It would be awkward and rude to go searching specifically for moms of different races simply because of the color of their skin. However, don’t just stick to your bubble. Join mom or parent groups, get involved in your child’s school, or get your child involved in sports so they can meet new people.

In addition to diversifying your friend group, speak up in your current circle of influence. I’ll keep saying this, but silence reinforces racism.

7. Guide Your Children’s Curiosity About Race

Psychological research has discovered that kids as young as three years old start assigning meaning to race and other people’s color of skin.

There are a few reasons for this.

First, they engage in essentialist reasoning which is when they begin to categorize people.

They also notice class-race patterns.

Last, children (and people of all ages) experience biases that cause them to navigate towards people who look and act like them. This ingroup bias can start as young as three. Another bias called “high-status bias” starts to develop around age four or five, which is when they show preferences for people who are of higher-status groups.

Having this understanding, we need to guide our kids’ experiences with people from other social groups, races, and cultures by teaching them to celebrate similarities AND differences.

When your child asks you an honest question about the color of their friend’s skin or the texture of their hair because it’s different than his or hers, don’t shut down the conversation. Instead, use your child’s curiosity to teach and ask questions that engage him or her in a deeper conversation.

Figure out what’s underneath the surface of the question or spark of curiosity. Ask yourself,

“What is my child noticing about race?”
“What is making him or her think in that way?”
“What are they really saying or asking?”
“What did they mean by that?”
“Where did they hear that?”
You can also ask your child to explain what they mean and see if they have the words to express their thoughts. You may be surprised.

While writing this, my eight-year-old was asking why I was reading so many articles and watching many videos. He was truly shocked that people would be treated differently because of the color of their skin. He also had a ton of questions about where the color comes from and if he could become black because he prefers that skin tone. So we started by looking up diagrams of skin to learn about melanin. Just with those two questions, we were able to unveil what racism is, how to spot it, and what to do about it. I was able to take his curiosity and guide him to learn more in an unbiased way.

8. Make Visual and Tactile Connections That Empower Change

A brain is an association machine. This is why stories and analogies resonate better with people than straight-up facts. Find ways to visually demonstrate what racism does and why it’s important to fight against it.

One visual I came across was to have kids unravel a ball of yarn to create a tangled spider web. Once they are finished, the kids untangle the web. This visual illustration is then used to explain how much harder it is to untangle a web than it is to make which is very similar to how much harder it is to fix the unfairness that has been in this country for so long.

9. Teach Empathy

Empathy, empathy, empathy.

Empathy is declining in youth today making it even more important that we take the time to teach it.

Many well-intended parents talk about racial inequity as if people like Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and other civil rights activists fixed it, making everything right again. Racial inequity is sometimes talked about as if it only happened in the past. Although things are different today, racism still exists. Biases are still embedded in our culture. Racist policies still exist and people are still not treated equally or as if their culture matters. We must keep all of this in mind as we teach empathy, self-awareness, and gratitude.

Ask your kids what they think it would be like to be judged for how they look. Point out how others are feeling based on what they say and the expressions on their faces.

We love the podcast, Imagine Neighborhood. It’s written specifically for kids to help them grow their social-emotional skills. I often reference some of their episodes when discussing empathy to help my kids understand better.

10. Advocate & Take Action

We often tell our kids we are all equal, but stop the conversation there. Instead, we need to model and show how to be an advocate. Take a stand against racism. our children have the power to be agents of change for all cultures.

On NBC’s Parent Toolkit, the author states, “An important part of being an advocate is not just saying people are equal, but acting in a way that reflects that thinking.”

Here are some practical ways you can be an advocate and in turn, teach your children how to advocate and take action:

Look for organizations in the area doing anti-racist justice work and partner with them.
Donate money to organizations like Mothering Justice.
Go to your local library with titles of books written by people of color that you want them to purchase. Encourage them to buy more than one copy as well. I wanted to check out Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning, and there were 24 requests for only one copy.
Silence reinforces racial prejudices so learn when to listen and when to speak up and teach your kids the same.
If you have older kids or teens, read through resources like this Justice Begins At Home guide from Racial Equity Tools to see how you can take action.

Join Me In Raising Anti-Racist Kids

My eyes have been opened so much wider as I devoured everything I read and saw in researching for this post.

We can’t stay silent.

Instead, we need to talk and talk often to our kids about fighting for what’s right. Saying, “everyone should be equal or love all people,” is no longer enough. If a fire has been lit in your heart like mine, I encourage you to share this post or comment on your thoughts below.

May 27, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 8 Comments

Picking the Best Summer Schedule for Kids | 8 Free Printables

Inside: Learn how to have a stress-free summer with these summer schedules and routines for kids. Don’t forget to scroll to the bottom to download your free printables!

It’s that time of year that every kid loves, SUMMER!

Although the end of school looked drastically different this year, it was still school and learning had to get done. With summer, kids can let loose and be kids. Play all day with no cares in the world.

But what happens when there are no plans or schedules?

Siblings fight more, unwanted behaviors rise, the whining is on a nonstop loop, sleep starts to dwindle and life just doesn’t feel so carefree and full of summer fun anymore.

The reason this happens is that kids thrive on routines. They need to know what’s next and it helps if they have something to look forward to. Children also feel safe and secure when their lives are predictable.

Also having some kind of plan to your week helps create deeper longlasting memories. Since we live in a very hot place, we need to have things to do and places to go so we’re not trapped inside for three months straight. We can be outdoors as long as water is involved because well, 110+ degrees.

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

The Importance of A Summer Schedule for Kids

Although we don’t want to overpack our kids’ schedules, knowing what to do in summer vacation with some kind of routine is incredibly beneficial.

Developmental research shows that routines decrease stress which then leads to better behavior and increased happiness.

Also, when kids know what is next in their day, many of the tasks become habits. And habits require less mental energy. It’s like putting the brain on auto-pilot to preserve energy in order to complete complicated tasks that require more intellect or brainpower.

Giving kids healthy and reasonable expectations encourages healthy habits that lead to optimal brain growth.

Flexibility is also important within the routines which is why having a schedule that has slight changes each day or week is ideal.

Lastly, if kids are used to a daily routine, disrupting this can cause even more stress. Remember, the more stress we’re adding to our kids’ brains, the more unwanted behaviors we are bound to see.

Want to print our free morning and evening routine chart? Just sign up here, get them delivered to your inbox, download, and print! From time to time we might send you other stuff we think you’ll enjoy!

How to Implement a Summer Schedule and Routine

What exactly is the difference between a schedule and a routine?

Routines are tasks or activities that are done without planning because they recur daily. Whereas, a schedule includes activities, tasks, or events that are planned out and typically written down.

For a stress-free fun summer with kids, I think both are important to have. A routine that includes tasks in the same order every day in addition to scheduled activities or events.

There are many different ways you can implement a summer schedule for kids.

Instead of providing you with one kind of schedule or routine, I have made many different styles and types that you can fully customize. You have the option to pick what schedules will work best for your family! Click here to sign up and get them delivered to your inbox!

How to Pick a Summer Schedule and Routine

First, when picking what your summer will look like, make sure you involve your kids in the process!

Plan it during a Family Meeting! The more skin your kids have in the game, the more willing they may be to participate and have fun.

Here are some things to consider when creating your routines and schedules:

Age of Children

A routine for a toddler may look different than a routine or schedule for a school-aged, preteen or teenager! *Teens may not be interested in following your summer schedule and that’s okay, but it doesn’t hurt to encourage them to be part of some of your plans. Or have them complete a checklist (like one of the printables you can download).

Temperament and Personalities

You may have one child who HAS to get out of the house and another who is easily overstimulated so he or she prefers to stay home. Pick a schedule and routine that is a compromise for everyone.

Interests

Keep everyone’s interests in mind while picking what to do for your summer schedule. Don’t worry about pleasing everyone all the time. Instead, have special days such as “YOU PICK” day that rotates between kids.

Sleep

If your kids want to stay up a little later, make sure they are getting up a little later too! Sleep is imperative to brain development and the lack of sleep is becoming an epidemic. Be mindful of how many hours of sleep your kids need and do what it takes to help them get enough.

Cost

When planning activities, think about and budget for the cost.

Thankfully, there are so many free activities for kids to do such as swimming at your neighborhood pool, going to library events, local parks and playgrounds, playdates, dispersed camping, etc.

What we did last year was find year-long memberships that were reduced in price through promotions or sites like Groupon. This cut down on costs a lot as we frequented the water park, Science Center, and indoor play places.

Self-Care for YOU!

This is not as obvious but we need to make sure within these routines and schedules that we don’t forget to take care of ourselves as parents. Personally, I do a modified version of The Miracle Morning.

I have been able to stick to my own routine hours before my kids wake up, but for you, your self-care time may be during your kids’ nap or quiet time. If you don’t have a built-in quiet time, I highly recommend incorporating one into your summer routine as well.

Again, this time can be for you as much as it is for your kids!

Since we avoid screens as much as possible because my boys’ nervous systems just can’t handle it and it’s not worth the battles, they love to do projects from companies like Kiwi Crate (use code SHARE30 for 30% off) and Little Passports. And Legos are always a winner, too, of course!

Pssst… if you are running on empty, I have a Free eBook that walks you through how to take care of yourself so you have more to give to your family. Implementing these concepts have seriously been life-changing for me!

Schedule & Routine Ideas: What to Do In Summer Vacation

There are so many different ways you can make a summer schedule and daily/weekly routine. I have made printables of the different types that you can download here!!

Block Schedules For Kids

Although block schedule has “schedule” in the name, it is actually a way to help you keep a consistent daily routine by scheduling activities and tasks within blocks of time. The blocks remain the same every day; the activities and tasks typically change.

Sample Block Schedule

7:00am – 9:00am (Block 1): MORNING ROUTINE – Get dressed, eat, brush teeth, get ready for the day
9:00am – 12:00pm (Block 2): FUN ACTIVITY – Go somewhere fun or plan something to do at home on days you don’t feel like going anywhere.
12:00pm – 1:00pm (Block 3): LUNCH & CLEAN – Eat and clean up the kitchen.
1:30pm – 4:00pm (Block 4:): QUIET TIME – Nap, rest, quiet or room time.
4:00pm – 6:00pm (Block 5): DINNER – Prepare and eat dinner then clean up after dinner.
6:00pm – 8:00pm (Block 6): BEDTIME ROUTINE – Hang out, read, and prepare for bedtime.

Activity Block Schedules

Another way to do a block schedule is to do the same activity in a certain block every day.

I made a few different activity block schedules that you can customize.

Master Activity List By Category

The first block schedule I created is inspired by Modern Minimalism! She created a master list of activities and tasks, and then grouped them all into categories like help, move, create, etc.

For the daily schedule, kids pick an activity under each category to do during that block of time.

Daily Routine with a Mind, Body, and Soul Focus

I often see these kinds of lists for kids to complete before they get screen time. It ensures they are filling their minds and bodies with good things first.

The blocks in this schedule can be divided into 1.) Wake Up 2. ) Late Morning 3.) Afternoon and 4.) Evening

Wake-up tasks include everything that has to do with care:

Personal care such as eating, getting ready, and brushing teeth.
Family care such as daily chores or doing tasks that are helpful to the family.
Soul care such as reading a daily devotional, filling out a gratitude journal or daily reflection journal. *My son LOVES this One Question a Day for Kids: A Three-Year Journal: Time Capsule for Kids journal

Late Morning tasks include activities for the body such as:

Ride bike
Exercise
Jump on the trampoline
Swim
Hike
Play with friends

Afternoon tasks include ways to build the brain such as:

Read or listen to a book
Write
Do a science project
Make crafts (ToucanBoxes have great monthly boxes)
Play the piano or write music
Watch an educational video
Design or build something
Listen to a podcast – here are the podcasts my kids love!
Make kindness cards

Evening tasks are whatever needs to happen to end the day or wind down:

Dinner
Clean kitchen/rooms
Family time or play a game
Read
Sleep!!

Daily Checklist

I got this idea from one of my favorite parenting podcasts, Sunshine Parenting with Audrey Monke.

Instead of focusing on a specific schedule, your kids need to check off everything on the list each day. They can do the activities whenever they want as long as they get done. This kind of list is especially great for older kids and teenagers who don’t rely on you as much.

Summer Bucket List Schedules

I love the idea of having a summer bucket list although we have never done it. If you don’t know what a bucket list is, it’s a collection of aspirations, goals and dreams someone would like to accomplish before they leave this earth. This concept can be applied to kids and what they want to do in summer break.

There are different ways you can do a bucket list. You can pick from a huge list of activities like you can find on Busy Mom Smart Mom (Ultimate Summer Bucket List for Kids: 100+ Ways to Beat the Heat) or you can do a weekly bucket list schedule that includes places they want to go to and things they want to do; goals can be incorporated into the schedule as well.

I’ve seen many bloggers make each day of the week a theme that starts with the same letter as that day of the week. Just check Pinterest! There are some very creative schedules out there!

I created my own version of a summer bucket list printable for you as well!

Daily Summer Schedule and To-Do’s

Some families prefer to mix it up or change their schedule depending on the day. I’ve included a section for the schedule of events and tasks, gratitude, priorities, and meals.

You can either print out a new one to use every day or laminate it so you can reuse it over and over again. I love my laminator!

Good Ol’ Weekly Schedule

This is what our family has been using until we decide what we want our blocks to be. It’s super simple to use! I laminated ours so we could reuse it every week.

Every night, we figure out what we are going to do the following day and fill in the schedule. I keep it on the fridge so it’s super easy for the kids to see. They can also add to it!

Weekly Themed Schedules

One last way you can structure your summer schedule for kids can be to adapt from summer camp!

Each week has a theme and with a general block schedule already in place, the activities and tasks you do will revolve around that theme. Here are super fun themed schedules:

Camp, Learn, and Play – 17 weekly themes planned out for you! No Time For Flashcards
DIY Summer Camp – 11 weekly themes full of fun. Steamstational
Summer Camp at Home Planner – Weekly activities including snack ideas to go along with the theme. Printable Activities Club
At Home Summer Camps for Kids – 12 themed weeks with 84 activities including crafts, games, sensory play, dramatic play, open-play ideas, printables, and more! Teaching Mama
12 Ideas To DIY Summer Camp at Home – Girl Mom Chaos

What Will You Be Doing This Summer?

Let me know if any of these schedules are helpful in planning your summer vacation with kids. If you have friends looking for routines or summer schedules, please share!

May 14, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 10 Comments

Vacation Packing List | Get Kids To Pack Without Any Help!

Inside: Packing for vacation can be overwhelming if you have more than one child. This post breaks down the best ways to teach kids how to pack their own suitcase or duffle bag! Included is a FREE packing checklist for kids.

(Originally published on June 3, 2019; updated on May 14, 2020)

Summer is just about here AND many states are reopening so who else is screaming, “FREEEDOM??!!!”

I am lifting my hands high!

It’s time to grab your vacation packing list and pack for vacation!

If you were planning on traveling to another state and that trip has been canceled, go on a staycation. Thankfully, we live in Arizona which has gorgeous resorts and hotels that are great for a one to three-day stay.

Or what we do often during the summer is go camping! Because unless water is involved, it can feel like our eyeballs are going to melt off of our faces. I wish I were kidding.

After saving for three years, we sold our pop-up camper and bought what I call “an apartment on wheels.” It’s a 30-foot pull-behind trailer with triple bunk beds, a king-size bed, microwave, oven, sink, and full bathroom. I feel like we’re cheating when I say we camp. However, we are able to head to the woods or campgrounds around 60 days a year! Our summers wouldn’t be the same without it.

The goal is to leave Phoenix every other week to escape the heat. We only need to drive a few hours before we are in a totally different climate surrounded by a totally different landscape (aka: grass and trees)!

teaching kids to pack with boy packing suitcase

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

When we first started taking a lot of road trips, I was losing my mind with having to pack for myself and three kids.

Since we camp, the vacation packing list is twice as long as it would be to stay in a hotel because I have to prep and shop for meals, pack bedding and toys, restock toiletries and paper products, in addition, to pack cool and hot weather clothes because the highs can be in the 70’s or 80s and the lows in the 30’s or 40’s!

It didn’t occur to me until my boys were six and eight that they were completely capable of packing their own clothes and entertainment items.

All they needed was a little direction and guidance which did NOT need to involve me. Woot Woot!

For You! Sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose newsletter and receive a free vacation packing list for kids.

family standing at Cedar Breaks National Monument

Keep Reading: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching New Skills to Your Kids

Teach Your Kids How to Pack for Vacation

The first thing you need to do is explain to your kids that they are old enough to do a very important task – decide what to wear on vacation by packing all by themselves! Make sure you are very positive in your communication.

Last year, we came up with a vacation packing list together with all the potential items they will need for a road trip. Included is a quantities column that I fill out.

Then we followed the four steps to learning a new skill until they could pack without my help.

Now, our boys are responsible for packing everything they will need or use that isn’t already in the camper!

What Kids Learn When They Pack For Themselves

I didn’t realize how many skills and lessons my kids would learn simply by being responsible for their own stuff by using a vacation packing list.

Ownership

My kids can no longer yell, “Mom! You didn’t pack my favorite Harry Potter pajamas!” or “Where is my favorite blanket?”

If they forget something, the only person they can blame is themselves. And you know happened when they forgot something? When they packed for the next trip, they remembered everything! Our brains learn through failure!

Responsibility

Kids need to have duty over something, act independently, and be given the opportunity to act independently. Packing for vacation is a perfect way to teach responsibility.

boys using packing list to pack for vacation

Self-belief, Self-confidence, and Self-esteem

Humans are born with a sense of wanting to have control over their lives. Packing for vacation can really boost a child’s sense of self-belief, self-confidence and self-esteem. Especially when they see their friends’ parent doing everything for them and forgetting their favorite toy.

Life Skills

Allow your kids to develop these skills while they are young, teachable and while they have you to help!

Independence

This is one of the main points of parenthood, to raise little people who become independent big people. Being responsible for packing all of their belongings is a gateway to independence.

Organizational Skills

If your kiddo struggles with executive function, you may need to help them a little more on this one, but ideally, they will learn how to organize items in a suitcase or duffle bag.

What To Pack For Vacation

In having the boys gather their own belongings for road trips, we have learned a few other things that help it go successfully.

On the vacation packing list they use, all of the following items are included:

Clothes, Shoes, and Accessories

In deciding how many items to bring, have your kids plan one outfit for each day plus two additional. With kids, you never know if an outfit will make it an entire day!

Let your kids pick out their outfits!

This has been a toughie for me especially because I like to take photos on our trips. Every photographer knows that colors and clothing make a big difference. Slowly, I’ve been embracing the neons mixed with patterns and colors that don’t complement each other. At all.

If mismatched clothes really do bother you then teach your kids how to put an outfit together. Use a color wheel to show what colors look best together and explain about solids and patterns.

It’s important to be okay with whatever they choose especially if they throw that color wheel out the window as my kids have! Kids also have a need to express who they are!

Packing List Order:

Shirts (and or dresses for girls)
Shorts to match shirt (and anything to go with the dress like if they need leggings underneath)
Long sleeves (if needed)
Pants (if needed)
Socks and underwear
Sweatshirts or outwear that can go with the shorts
Pajamas – Even if they don’t typically wear these, we have them pack at least one pair when packing for vacation.
Hat(s)
Shoes – One pair of flip flops or sandals and one pair of tennis shoes usually does the trick
Water bottle – Check out these awesome Dyln bottles that create alkaline antioxidant water. Or Gululu is a smart water bottle made specifically for kids!

Don’t forget to check the weather. As I mentioned we often have to plan for both cold weather and hot weather outfits for each day.

Read Next: An Easy Way For Kids To Pack School Lunch (With FREE Lunch List)

Toiletries

Let your kids pick out their own toiletry bag and make sure they fill it with at least the basics.

Shampoo
Body wash
A scrubby (doesn’t get gross like washcloths!)
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Comb, brush and hair accessories
Lastly, other helpful items are sunblock, moisturizer, and lip balm

Entertainment

This category is vital for kids ages one to twelve. Entertainment items are used for the car ride as well as in and outside the camper. Here are a few non-screen ideas:

Books and magazines
Toys such as Legos, figurines or building toys (My kids LOVE these connecting blocks)
Games
Coloring and activity books, stickers and other crafts (check out this AWESOME craft store I found with all of these things!!!)
Sensory toys

Here are some great games to play once you get to the destination! *Some can probably be played in the car.

Pick the Best Packing Method For Each Child

Find a method using your vacation packing list that works for each child.

Again, using these four steps to teach your kids a new skill really works! Just tattoo the steps to your arm seeing you’ll be using them a lot while your kids are young. Ha!

Ziplock Bags

A GREAT tip I came across for packing kids’ clothes in a suitcase or duffle bag is to use gallon-sized ziplock bags.

Have your kid use a sharpie to write his or her name on the bag. If your child needs some organizational help, he or she can label each bag with the day he or she plans on wearing each outfit.

Fold or Roll

There are basically two methods – fold or roll.

For most kids (especially those who want to get it done quickly), the rolling method is usually best. My son used one bag per outfit, one for socks and underwear and one more for pajamas.

1. Roll – For shirts, fold in the sleeves and roll from the neck down. For pants, fold in half and roll from the waistband down.

Here’s a great video with a demonstration. Once the items are rolled, put both the top and bottom into a bag.

2. Fold – When folding the items, have your child make sure the clothes are flat. Match the top and bottoms and put into a ziplock bag. There are many different techniques to fold clothes.

Other Ways to Store the Clothes

As your kids get older, the ziplock bag trick may be harder to fit the clothes into because of the size of the clothes.

Packing cubes can do wonders!

Another idea a friend just told me is that she assigns different colored rubber bands for each of her four kids and wraps the rubber bands around the rolled clothing. No baggies required.

Teach Your Kids How to Pack a Suitcase or Dufflebag

The ziplock bag, packing cube or rubber band method all make it very easy to pack a bag or suitcase. Some kids are naturally organized but others need to be taught how to stack and arrange clothes.

Show your kids how to utilize the different sections in a suitcase or bag that make it easiest to find what they need.

Download Your Free Packing List

To help my kids, together, we made a packing list with all the items they usually need to pack for vacation. I used my handy dandy laminator so they can write on the sheets with a dry erase marker and wipe it clean after every vacation or road trip.

For you, I’ve updated it and made two different lists – one for girls and the other for boys.

Oftentimes, I put the numbers in the quantity column but have recently been asking them how many items they think they need.

Having your kids think for themselves is just as important as getting stuff done independently. So far, my boys have been right on as they realize how dirty they get.

Do your children pack for vacation?

Have any questions or additional tips? I’d love to hear! Comment below.

And feel free to share with friends who are heading on vacation!

April 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 41 Comments

How to Handle Parent-Child Conflict To Avoid Permanent Emotional Damage

Inside: Parent-child conflict can be tough on a relationship. To raise emotionally healthy kids, it’s quite healthy to have ruptures, but it’s vital that you repair them afterward. Here are very simple ways to help your child grow to have a strong sense of self and grow to have healthy relationships in his or her life.

My husband was away on a trip leaving the house to me and our three boys. Typically, being alone didn’t phase me much. However, on this particular day, my inner beast apparently had been waiting to be released from its cage.

Having a manageable schedule is very important for us all to stay sane.

I am usually great about not having too many activities or commitments on the calendar. Yet, I quickly found myself asking, “Why did I tell my son we would go indoor rock climbing after school when his brother also has soccer practice?”

As we were so close to leaving, everyone began to unravel one by one. My anxious seven-year-old was feeling rushed so he decided he was not leaving the house and refused to get his shoes on.

It happened so fast. I was calm until the beast escaped.

Before I knew it, my son and I were lying flat on the floor of the laundry room sobbing. He was angry and I was sad. Very sad.

How did we get here?

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Rupture and Repair

When a connection between you and your child breaks, this is called a rupture.

A rupture can be any non-positive experience between the two of you such as an argument, misunderstanding, or disagreement. It can also be when your child is upset because of the limitations and rules you have to enforce.

Ruptures are an inevitable part of parenting. It is impossible and quite unhealthy to avoid any kind of conflict with your child, but what is extremely important is that we mend what is broken.

We must regain control, let the dust settle, then go in and clean up the wreckage.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting From The Inside Out refers to this as rupture and repair.

If we don’t repair the ruptures in our relationship, it can affect our child’s sense of self.

Unresolved parent-child conflict can also result in the child experiencing a deep sense of shame and humiliation, developing feelings of inadequacy, pulling away from others, and growing to feel that there is something wrong or defective about him or herself. This can take a serious toll on your child as he or she grows older affecting many aspects of his or her adult life.

Serious emotional damage can result in our lack of repairing the experience or situation.

This is especially true if there are repeated offenses.

The INCREDIBLE news is that if repaired, ruptures are actually healthy for your child’s cognitive development and sense of self. Additionally, your relationship will be strong and can last a lifetime.

This doesn’t give us a free pass to fly off the handle every day as we should be working on our own self-control, but it does give us imperfectly perfect mamas hope.

How to Repair Ruptures With Your Child

What exactly does this repair process look like? It’s actually quite simple!

1. Calm Down

Take a moment to recenter yourself so you can go in without shaming, blaming or adding fuel to the fire. Instead, stop, drop, pray, and breathe.

Stop what you are doing.

Drop any agenda or preconceived notions of what should be happening at this moment.

And pray something simple like, “God I know I’m safe with you.”

Mantras such as “My child would do well if he could right now,” or “I’m breathing in calm and breathing out calm,” all can do the trick.

Lastly, you want to breathe and redirect your focus by using your senses.

There are many breathing strategies to calm your nervous system. My go-to is called 5-7-8. I breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 7, then blow out for 8. This works great for my kids, too!

Once the breathing kicks in, then you can do some other grounding techniques such as notice a few items in the room, touch a few things, see if you smell anything (hopefully it’s a good smell instead of an icky one!), and bring your awareness to a taste like if you have a drink nearby or a small piece of chocolate.

I have a friend who “touches the earth” to bring a sense of calm to her mind and body. She will literally lay her hands flat on her granite countertop, close her eyes and breathe deeply. Don’t knock it until you try it! There is power in God’s creation around us for sure!

2. Initiate the Repair and Heal the Rupture

Once you are in a calm state and your view is no longer clouded by strong feelings of frustration or anger, it’s time to go in and

repair, repair, repair!!

When you are the one to initiate the repair, you are telling your child that he or she matters. You are showing love and respect in a time when they need it most – when they are at their worst.

As you repair the rupture, attune to your child’s needs. Remember, behavior is an unmet need.

If your toddler just did something that appears to blatantly be disobedient, stop and think about what unmet need he or she has. Or what is your child communicating to you? Is he tired, hungry, or overstimulated? We teach empathy through being empathic with our kids.

Get on your son or daughter’s eye level. Some kids may need your positive touch or be close to you while others will need physical space. I’ve asked my kids what they prefer and I have one who wants a hug and another son who wants me to leave the room for a moment.

Related: The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior

Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests that the communication be neutral. It can be natural to blame but refrain from doing this as it’s unhelpful.

He uses this example dialogue, “This has been so difficult for both of us fighting like this. I really want to feel good about each other again. Let’s talk about it.”

Lastly, don’t forget to process what triggered your own reaction. The more we bring awareness and make sense of our own childhood and life experiences, the more control we will have over our own emotions.

parent child relationship after conflict

3. Allow Your Child To Express His or Her Feelings

The last step can often be overlooked, but it’s the last piece of the puzzle toward healthy emotional and cognitive development.

Ask your child how he or she felt during your parent-child conflict. Take the time to really listen without judgment. Then, reflect back on what you heard. Their experience may be different than what you think.

I often ask my boys where they feel their anger, sadness, or frustration. For my middle son, he feels it in his hands and mouth which is probably why he hits and screams. My other son feels it in his head and will often develop a headache.

After they tell me about their physical sensations, I reciprocate and let them know where I can feel my big feelings. Again, empathy.

For younger children, play may be helpful to repair the rupture. Bring it to their developmental level. Hand your toddler a stuffed animal and act out what happened. This often makes me laugh. And you know what they say about humor…it is the best medicine!

learning social emotional intelligence through play

On The Laundry Room Floor

The reason my son and I were on the laundry room floor that day is that I allowed my anxiety to direct my actions. I became controlling as I could only focus on getting him into the car. My fear of being late escalated my stress.

As we were making our way to the door, I tripped and fell into him leaving us in a hysterical heap surrounded by dirty socks, pants, and shirts.

I had to pull myself together, ask God to wrap His arms around me and find a state of calm so I could repair this awful rupture.

Yes, we were going to be late. However, I realized that my relationship with my child was far more important than not getting to soccer practice on time.

With my eyes still filled with tears, I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to be rushed. I was only thinking about myself because I didn’t want to be late. Let me know how I can help you.”

He looked back at me as the anger and sadness slowly melted off his face. He hugged me and quietly replied, “I’m sorry I wouldn’t get my shoes on. I love you too.”

April 18, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 25 Comments

How to Stop Siblings Fighting Without Getting Involved

Inside: Siblings fighting can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for everyone in the family. This is definitely true for this scary time as we are not getting any breaks from each other. The best way to manage sibling conflict is by providing them the tools to develop skills they may not yet have.

Last spring, I was sitting in the shallow water of my gym’s beach entry pool when I overheard siblings fighting. I didn’t really pay much attention until I heard the mom’s response to them screaming her name wanting her to intervene.

Instead of telling them how to solve the problem, she simply asked, “Well, did you, “Walk, talk or rock?”

Did they what?!

You know, my ears perked up.

The little girl told her her mom, no, then went off with her brother and they talked a little and came up with a solution on their own. The fight ended in about two minutes flat before they were off playing with each other again.

The Reasons Siblings Fight

I break down the reasons siblings fight in this post. Basically, a lot is at play when it comes to brothers and sisters not being able to get along. Here are some of the main reasons:

Development and maturity
Sensory challenges
Self-regulation skills
Personality conflicts
What is being modeled by peers, adults in their lives or other influences such as TV
Culture
Competition

It is good to look at the why behind any behavior so you know what to target in order for a change to happen. For my older boys, self-regulation and major sensory challenges and maturity all play a role in their sibling conflicts. One is incredibly impulsive and the other is highly sensitive so fighting can’t always be avoided.

The Key to Stop Siblings Fighting

My natural instinct when approaching a sibling quarrel is to correct, maybe increase the volume of my voice, use a strict tone and try to get them to stop immediately.

Or simply yell, “STOP FIGHTING!” or “BE NICE!”

However, this isn’t very effective. Womp Womp.

The reason is that if we take into account all the reasons why they might be fighting, being nice may not do the trick or they may not be able to stop due to how their brains are wired.

Instead, the key to eliminating siblings fighting is to teach your kids how to manage their own conflict.

On their own.

Without your involvement.

So really, this isn’t about keeping your kids from fighting but rather teach them how to resolve the conflicts they’re bound to have.

I recently read this quote from Corinna Tucker, a professor at the University of New Hampshire, “The sibling relationship is where you learn how to fight.”

Oooh, that’s good!

As kids grow into teens and then into adults, they will face conflict with friends, family, teachers, coaches, co-workers, or bosses. Where they get the best practice to resolve conflicts is with their own brothers and sisters under your roof!

Become Your Children’s COACH

Kids need to be taught how to resolve their own fighting. The best way to do this is to mediate the situation.

This does not mean you tell your kids what to say such as, “Tell him sorry,” or “Give back her toy,” but instead, guide the siblings into coming up with their own solution to the problem.

Remember, this is their problem, not yours!

What does this look like in the real world?

I’ve broken down what parenting experts recommend in teaching kids very important life skills such as conflict management, empathy, and perspective-taking.

Fighting Rules

You want to make sure you set ground rules ahead of time. Include your kids in deciding what these rules should be at your next family meeting.

There is a good chance they won’t follow all of these rules all of the time, but they’re good to have so your kids know what to strive for and what is important to your family.

Pssst: You can snag this as a poster along with the “Our Family’s Fighting Rules” Poster when you sign up for my newsletter.

Calm Down Time

If the situation is already heated, there is zero reason to focus on getting your kids to work out a problem.

They can’t.

In order to think rationally, kids need to first be connected to the thinker part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex. This shuts down and is inaccessible when the brain perceives a threat. It goes into fight or flight and angry, frustrated, or super sad states.

In our house, the first step is to separate.

For some reason though, this is very difficult for our boys to do. Although they’ll be mad at each other, they can not physically get away. As a parent, it’s so frustrating. What we have been focusing on is getting them to be self-motivated to leave each other alone to cool off.

Talk It Out

If your kids are younger, they may need your help in mediating who talks first. Allow each child to tell his or her side of the story and make sure the sibling actually listens.

As your kids get older, they need to learn how to do this on their own while following the fighting rules. It’s very hard to listen when someone is shouting or touching you.

Talking it out is much easier for siblings to do if they are given tools on how to communicate.

We have adopted “A Bug and a Wish” and “I feel when statements.” This makes it easy for each of our boys to express his or her feelings using words, not hands. In turn, it helps the child receiving the message understand how his or her actions are affecting others.

Perspective Taking

This is a big part in resolving conflicts. Kids are self-centered thanks to the under-development of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. They don’t have the developmental skills to understand or interpret how their actions affect another; especially a sibling. Therefore, they need to be taught.

A great way to do this is to ask questions! “How did your actions make your little sister feel?” or “Do you notice how he is feeling right now after you pinched his arm?”

Allow your child to do the thinking with your guidance!

>>Bonus Tip!

I read a research study about how siblings fighting can lead to poor mental health to my 10-year-old and immediately, I could see that he had an “uh oh” feeling in his gut. I wasn’t using this information to make him feel shame but rather, a little guilt. It helped him understand that his actions can make a lasting impact on others – for better or for worse.

Since sharing that information, his perspective has shifted a little causing him to put a lot more effort into resolving conflicts with his brother in a non-physical way. It has really brought them closer together…for the time being.

Solution Time

Typically, by the time our kids talk it out, they’re already onto the next thing. However, some conflicts need solutions. The reason is for both parties to move on so that conflict doesn’t happen again in the near future.

This can be done in any fashion that works best for your family. Every child is unique and handles stress differently. Siblings can write ideas that would work for both kids, draw pictures, or simply both come up with an idea and decide on which one would work best.

Act of Kindness

One last thing we do if the “offense” is bad is to encourage the offender to do an act of kindness for the brother or sister. Another phrase we often use is, “What can you do to make things right.” We also ask, “How do you think he or she is feeling?” This is instead of forcing a child to say, “sorry.”

A great way to do this is to have your kids fill out these kindness cards by For Purpose Kids! Or another suggestion could be to do chores for each other or play a preferred game.

Your Role in Ending Sibling Fighting

All of the above steps help kids resolve their own conflicts. When teaching these skills to your kids, it’s important that you:

Let your kids work out the problems on their own
Only intervene if it’s getting physical or harmful
Do not take sides
Model good conflict management yourself
Have patience

Walk, Talk, or Rock

Now back to walk, talk, or rock. After understanding what needs to happen to help kids solve their own conflicts and fight less, this strategy is brilliant!

This simple parenting tool incorporates basic conflict management skills for kids in a playful way that gives your kids control.

When introducing the concept go through what each of the words means:

Walk – Either party can choose to walk AWAY. As I mentioned, our boys have a very tough time with this one. But for some reason, if it’s an option in this context, they are more likely to do it.

Talk – Together, your kids can choose to use their words (not hands) to solve the problem. Give them different ways to talk as mentioned above.

Rock – If the argument is over a toy that one person wants or an activity he or she wants to do, the siblings can do, “rock, paper, scissors” to see who gets it. This could cause more issues but usually, it’s a quick solution.

As I was writing this, I overheard my seven-year-old doing rock, paper, scissors with my toddler. My little guy didn’t really get it and just got angrier. So maybe, this strategy is better for kids who are a tad older!

Ending Siblings Fighting

Next time your kids are ready to battle it out, instead of running to the rescue and solving their problem or telling them what to do, let them work it out. And if they don’t have the tools yet, start loading up that toolbox!

Bonus! Fighting Rules!

For you! When you sign up for my newsletter, you will get a PDF you can download with two different fighting rules posters to hang and use as a reminder for your kids.

How do you handle sibling conflict?

Comment below and let me know what kind of tricks, tips, or strategies you employ when there is constant fighting in your house!

Parents’ Concerns About Kids Returning to School

Teachers’ Concerns About These Uncertain Times

Parents And Teachers Are Worried

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The Scary Truth

What Can Parents Do?

Communicating With Kids About Going Back to School and All of The Changes

HOW To Communicate To Kids

What To Communicate to Kids

Emotional Concerns

Become Your Child’s Emotion Coach

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Fostering Resilience

Emotion Coaching and Finding Passion-Igniting Activities

Choosing the Best Schooling Option

Do What Will Work Best for You and Your Child

Handling Change and Transition

Reframe, Hold Constant and Have Open Conversations

Benefits of Keeping Kids In School (If Schools Reopen)

Attune To Your Child’s Needs

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Coping Skills For Kids

Self-Calming and Relaxation Strategies

Mask-Wearing Effects on Social-Emotional Health

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An Easy Way for Kids To Pack Their OWN School Lunch

Why Parents Should Let Their Children Pack Lunch

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Kids Can Have Autonomy Over What They Eat

No More Power Struggles!

4 Tips For Teaching Kids How To Pack School Lunch

1. Discuss The New Responsibility

2. Help Devise a Plan

The Time and Days Lunch Will Be Packed

Lunchbox Food Options

Purchasing Lunch Options

A Place To Put In Requests For Grocery Shopping

A Location For The Lunch Box, Containers and Food

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When Your Kid Doesn’t Seem Ready

What Kids Should Pack For Lunch

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Now It’s Your Turn! Happy Packing!

Four Steps For Teaching A New Skill To Kids

Consider These Things When Teaching New Life Skills To Kids

Your Child’s Readiness

The Time To Teach

The Difficulty Level

Take As Much Time As Needed

Give Encouragement

Make the Experience POSITIVE

Find a Developmentally Appropriate Way of Teaching

Give Your Child Time to Practice

A quick disclaimer about the photos listed for each step below:

Step 1: Your Child Learns From You

Step 2: You Do The Task WITH Your Child

Step 3: You Watch Your Child

Step 4: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-C-E