Yelling at your kids doesn’t lead to better behavior. It creates stress, disconnection, and long-term emotional struggles. This post shares 9 powerful reasons to stop yelling and offers practical tools to help you respond with calm, connection, and confidence. Download your free Calm Mom printable!
It was the first few weeks into COVID in March of 2020 when we were technically in lockdown, or what they were calling, “quarantine.”
The world seemed to be crumbling. I literally couldn’t turn on the news. Feeling high amounts of fear and sadness, our routines went out the window, and our family of five was suddenly not allowed to leave our house unless we needed groceries.
By the way, my husband did the shopping so I could stay home with the kids. I’m extremely extroverted so not being able to leave my house to be with other humans was devastating to me.
One of those first days of COVID, I don’t even remember what triggered it, but I completely lost my mind. The boys were probably fighting because I know I was in the playroom. I officially hit my limit, and it had nothing to do with my kids fighting.
Before I even realized what was happening, I yelled at the kids, acknowledged the fear on their faces, then ran down the hallway out to my backyard and screamed at the top of my lungs.
Thankfully, my neighbors didn’t seem to notice. They were probably screaming from stress, too!
I stood there, shaking, humiliated, and flooded with emotion. It was terrible. Just writing about it brings me back to that time. It was so bad that I was in terrible pain a few days later, which took me a day or two more to figure out I had gotten shingles.
Shingles.
In my 30s. And the shingles started to get into my left eye. There were no ophthalmologists’ offices open because the world was shut down. Praise the Lord for a close childhood friend who happened to be an eye doctor and was able to treat me virtually.
After I came back into the house, I looked all three of my boys in the eyes and apologized. I didn’t just say sorry. Instead, I owned up to the hurt I may have caused, took full responsibility, and asked what we should do next time.
I see parent coaches on Instagram all the time talking about how they used to be a yeller, but after doing all this inner work, they stopped yelling, and they want that for other parents. For me, I wasn’t ever a yeller. It’s not really part of who I am or how I naturally respond to conflict. Instead, I flee, which isn’t great either but that’s for another post.
All it took was this one moment of becoming so flooded with stress that I burst from the seams. That moment changed me.
Since that time, I learned how to befriend my nervous system using daily breathing exercises, mindful walking, meditation, and all the yummy stuff that helps me access my calm down system (the parasympathetic nervous system) in times of high stress. Because this is what my kids need and it’s what your kids need, too, to develop in an emotionally and psychologically healthy way. At least, it’s one of the ingredients!
Yelling doesn’t make us bad parents, but it’s also not something we want to normalize or rely on. If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of shouting and regret, here are 9 powerful reasons to stop yelling and choose a different path forward.
Why yelling feels like it works (but it doesn’t)
Let’s start with some honesty: parenting is hard.
Read Next: The Real Reason Parenting Is Hard and How to Make It Easier
Parenting can stretch every part of you and bring out emotions you didn’t even know you had. Your kids’ behavior, especially if you’re unaware of why they’re acting that way, can really wear down your patience.
While parenting is also beautiful and full of love, there are moments when your child’s behavior, your own exhaustion, and the weight of life collide, leaving you to feel like yelling is the only way out.
If you yell at your kids, you’re not the only one.
In fact, most parents have. According to a study published by Wang and Kenny in The Journal of Marriage and Family, 90% of parents admit to using verbal aggression, including yelling, when disciplining their children.
I remember hearing the Gottmans speak years ago about how they can tell if there’s yelling in a home by simply testing a child’s urine. The child doesn’t even need to say anything!
Here’s a study I found called “The Effects of Parenting Interventions on Child and Caregiver Cortisol Levels: Systematic Review and Metaanalysis,” if you’d like some light reading on the topic. I’m totally kidding, but the paper is quite insightful!
And in those intense moments, yelling feels effective.
Here are a few reasons why:
- Yelling grabs attention. When I yelled, everyone stopped, and you could hear a pin drop in the room!
- Yelling releases pent-up energy in your body. If you feel anger a lot and have no way of healthily releasing it’s going to come out in one way or another.
- Yelling seems like a way to quickly “get through” to a child.
Here’s the truth: yelling doesn’t lead to long-term change. It actually does the opposite.
When a child gets yelled at, their stress response system in their brain activates immediately, along with a fired-up amygdala, which leads to triggering fight, flight or freeze.
It doesn’t stop there.
The survival state overrides their thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex), which is the part responsible for decision-making, problem-solving, and empathy.
Simply put: when your child’s brain feels threatened, your child can’t learn. They may not appear outwardly to be afraid or threatened. We’re talking about the neurological safety and perceived threat that the brain processes and is always on high alert for.
Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole-Brain Child, explains that when children feel scared or shamed, they disconnect from the parts of the brain responsible for regulation and reasoning. That means no matter how much yelling you do, your child won’t be in a state where they can absorb your message or change their behavior in a meaningful way.
Even more, chronic yelling can have lasting emotional impacts. The study mentioned above found that harsh verbal discipline, including raising your voice, was associated with increased behavior problems and symptoms of depression in adolescents, even when parents had a strong emotional bond with their child.
“The brain constantly scans 11 million bits of data, deciding if we’re safe or unsafe, all without us even knowing it. If it determines we are safe, we go into connection mode. If it senses danger, we shift into protection mode.” Stephen Porges, PhD.
This is so important to understand!
The intention behind yelling might be to gain control or correct behavior. But in reality, it often results in fear, disconnection, and a power struggle because cooperation can’t even happen. Think of it like the yelling being a barricade to access the child.
So if you’ve been stuck in the cycle and can’t stop yelling, reacting, and regretting, know this: you’re not broken, and you’re not a bad parent. Just reading this and wanting to change,
Just like your child’s nervous system goes into survival mode, your nervous system is doing what it thinks it needs to survive…yell! But once you understand why yelling doesn’t work, you can start replacing it with tools that do. This is where real transformation begins.
Reason #1: Yelling Is Unhelpful
In the heat of the moment, yelling can feel like the only tool left in your toolbox. You’re trying to make a point. You want the behavior to stop. You need your child to listen.
That would be AMAZING if it could do all that you’re wanting it to do, but yelling doesn’t solve the problem.
Let’s break that down. What problem are we even trying to solve?
Yelling might stop the behavior temporarily, especially if it triggers fear or the stress response because the child’s brain doesn’t feel safe in that instant, but it doesn’t teach your child what to do instead. The underlying issue, whether it’s emotional dysregulation, disconnection, or unmet needs, goes unaddressed. This is why we see that exact behavior over and over again.
True discipline (from the Latin word disciplina, meaning to teach) is about building skills. Yelling skips the teaching moment and usually leaves everyone feeling worse.
Yelling often escalates the situation rather than de-escalating it
Have you ever yelled, hoping your child would “snap out of it,” only to have things spiral even more? That’s because your tone and energy signal to your child that you’re in fight mode, so they match it with their own fight, flight, or freeze response.
Suddenly, you’re locked in a power struggle or emotional explosion, not resolution. When you don’t stop yelling, it’s basically like throwing kindling into a small spark or gasoline onto an already raging fire.
Children often shut down or act out more when yelled at
Some kids go quiet and withdraw, while others become even more reactive. Either way, yelling tends to block communication rather than open it up. It sends a message of “I’m not safe” rather than “I’m here to help you through this.”
What To Do
The good news? When you stay calm and connected, your child stays more regulated, too. And that opens the door for actual learning, problem-solving, and growth, both for them and for you. If you start to feel like you’re going to yell, tell yourself, “This is not an emergency. I am calm. I am safe.” Or you can adopt any affirmation that can keep your nervous system from moving into a reactive state.
Reason #2: It Models Unwanted Behavior
Kids may not always listen to what we say, but they’re always watching what we do. Especially in emotionally charged moments.
Children are like mirrors, not just behaviorally, but bio-energetically. Their nervous systems are wired to attune to ours. When we yell, our dysregulated energy becomes their baseline. They soak up our stress, our tone, our body language, and they reflect it right back in one way or another.
This is why staying regulated is one of the most powerful parenting tools you have.
Kids learn how to handle stress by watching you and feeling your energy
In those heated moments, you’re not just managing your child’s behavior, you’re teaching them how to respond to stress.
Ask yourself, “Am I showing my child that big emotions mean yelling and losing control?” Or, “Am I modeling what it looks like to pause, breathe, and respond with intention?” Oftentimes, parents expect kids to be able to manage their emotions and behaviors better than they can, but it simply doesn’t work like this because a child’s brain is under construction.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents. But they do need present ones! Kids need caring, sturdy adults who are willing to do the work of emotional growth right alongside them.
Yelling teaches kids that shouting is an acceptable way to communicate frustration or get attention
If you struggle to stop yelling becomes your go-to when you’re upset, it sends a clear (though unintentional) message: this is how we handle problems. This is how we get people to listen. This is what grown-ups do when they’re overwhelmed.
Ouch. That one hits me right to the core. If I want my child to show emotional control and behave in ways that are respectful, kind, and caring, then I need to do the same!
Children are more likely to use the same tactics on siblings, peers, or even adults, because that’s what they’re inheriting, whether we want them to or not. And when that happens, it can leave us parents feeling frustrated and confused, without realizing they’re seeing a reflection of their own modeled behavior.
You’re reinforcing the very behavior you’re trying to correct
When your child yells, talks back, or explodes emotionally, it’s easy to see it as “bad behavior.” But if we meet that behavior with more of the same, we’re not offering a different path, we’re reinforcing the cycle.
This is where intentional modeling matters. When you respond to defiance or chaos as a sturdy leader (I got that from Dr. Becky from Good Inside), you show your children what regulation looks and feels like. Their nervous system starts to match and wire just like yours!
You can think of it like giving them a template for growth. Over time, that becomes part of their subconscious.
What To Do
Next time you feel that urge to raise your voice, take a deep breath. You’re not just stopping the behavior—you’re shaping a human. And the way you handle stress today becomes part of how they’ll handle it tomorrow.
Reason #3: The Brain Doesn’t Like It
Our children’s brains have one top priority: stay safe.
And this includes perceiving safety meaning it’s not always accurate as to what is actually safe or not.
According to Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and founder of Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids, a child’s brain is constantly scanning the environment for signs of safety or danger, which is often referred to as neuroception. This scanning happens automatically, beneath conscious awareness, and it determines how the child responds in any given moment.
When you yell, especially with intense facial expressions, body tension, or unpredictable tone, the brain perceives a threat.
Even if you’re not physically acting dangerous, the energy you’re putting out signals, “I’m not safe for you right now.” This activates the stress response system in your child’s nervous system: fight, flight, or freeze.
It’s very clear to us when a child goes into fight or flight, but freeze often looks like compliance or gives you the feedback that the yelling worked.
Bottom line: Yelling activates the stress response system
In survival mode, the body floods with cortisol and adrenaline. Heart rate increases. Muscles tighten. Breathing quickens. The child’s system is no longer focused on logic or cooperation, it’s preparing to survive.
If you’re in a state where you’re needing to yell, most likely all of these things are happening to you as well. Your system is preparing to survive as well.
Some kids may fight back, which looks like yelling, hitting, or talking back. Others may shut down completely. This looks like a blank stare, refusal to respond, emotional withdrawal or what a lot of people don’t talk about, laughing. If you are screaming at a child, and their response is laughter, this is simply a way their brain is coping with the stress. It does not mean they are being disrespectful.
Many of us adults were raised in environments where we weren’t allowed to react in this way, leading us to believe that they are signs of disobedience. Instead, the child is communicating protective brain responses.
The brain can’t learn or listen when it feels threatened
One of the most important things to understand about yelling is: it shuts down learning. When a child feels unsafe, they can’t absorb lessons, process consequences, or reflect on their behavior. Dr. Markham puts it simply: “You can’t teach kids when they’re in fight or flight.”
This is why even well-intended lectures or consequences that follow a yelling episode tend to do nothing, leading you to repeat yourself 100 more times, which may lead to more yelling.
Your child’s thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, is offline during this time. They’re not being defiant; they’re just not neurologically available to engage.
Yelling disconnects your child from their thinking brain
The prefrontal cortex is where empathy, problem-solving, and self-regulation live. That’s the part of the brain we want to engage when correcting behavior. But yelling sends your child into the lower brain—into reactivity, not reflection.
This is why calm, connected discipline works so much better in the long run. When your child feels safe—even in moments of correction—their whole brain stays more online. That’s when learning, empathy, and growth can actually take root.
What to do
While yelling might feel powerful in the moment, it robs your child of the very conditions they need to change. When we prioritize emotional safety, we unlock the brain’s full capacity for cooperation, connection, and true learning.
Reason #4: It Breaks Connection and Trust
At the heart of every parent-child relationship is one essential need: connection.
Children are biologically wired to seek closeness and attunement with their caregivers. This is the foundation of attachment. It’s a deep, instinctual drive that ensures their survival in early years and shapes their ability to form healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.
When kids feel securely connected to us, they’re more likely to cooperate, not because they’re afraid of punishment, but because they trust us. They feel emotionally safe, and that safety makes it possible for them to engage, listen, and grow.
Think about it. You’re more likely to do something for someone else and listen to them if you have trust. If that person is yelling at you all the time, that’s the quickest way to break down trust.
Yelling damages relational safety
When you raise your voice in anger or frustration, especially repeatedly, it can create a rupture in your child’s sense of connection. In that moment, they may feel scared, misunderstood, or even unloved.
You might not mean it that way, but to a child, especially a young or highly sensitive child, a yelling parent can feel like emotional abandonment.
That rupture doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. But without repair (sincere apology, demonstrate how you are going to do better next time), it can slowly erode trust, making it harder for your child to turn to you in moments of struggle, pain, or confusion. It turns your relationship from a safe harbor into something unpredictable.
Kids may comply out of fear, not respect
Yes, yelling can get immediate results. Your child might freeze, back down, or do what you ask. But when that obedience comes from fear, it’s not rooted in respect, it’s rooted in survival.
Read that again.
Disrespect is a common theme that comes up with parents, especially dads, and their kids. There’s this misconception that respect is a feeling and that if a child doesn’t do everything a parent says, it means that the behavior is disrespectful. I hope as you read this that a child’s behavior typically isn’t displaying respect or disrespect, but instead, feeling safe or not feeling safe.
A lot of parents demand respect because their parents inherently didn’t respect their boundaries, or they also demanded it.
Fear-based compliance might look like “good behavior,” but it often leads to hidden resentment, emotional suppression, or even rebellious behavior later on. It doesn’t build the internal motivation we want our kids to develop.
Long-term cooperation, where your child wants to work with you, comes from connection, not control.
What To Do
When your child knows that your love is safe, consistent, and not dependent on their behavior, it creates the fertile ground for true growth. When you feel like you’re about to lose it, remember: connection isn’t a soft alternative to discipline. It is the foundation that makes discipline work.
Reason #5: It Creates Shame Instead of Growth
Yelling doesn’t just correct behavior; it sends a message. And often, the message is not one that we want our kids to internalize.
When we yell at our kids, especially in moments when they’re already overwhelmed, what they hear isn’t just “Stop it!” What they feel is:
“I am bad.”
“This is my fault.”
“I make mom or dad angry.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
And especially if they’re hearing messages like, “you’re a bad kid,” these types of statements start to become part of their identity over time.
This is the essence of shame.
Shame differs from guilt in one key way. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” And that distinction matters deeply in how kids process correction.
Yelling can make kids feel like they are bad, not just that they did something wrong
Especially for young children who haven’t yet developed the ability to separate their behavior from their identity, yelling can quickly lead to shame. They don’t have the developmental maturity to think, “My parent is having a hard time right now.” Instead, they believe they caused the reaction. They internalize the emotion as proof that they’re the problem.
And this may not just be with a parent but with a teacher, grandparent or any adult who cares for the child.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and leading voice on shame and vulnerability, has said:
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
When you yell, your children might appear to “get it,” but underneath they may be internalizing self-doubt and unworthiness, exactly the opposite of what we want them to believe.
Shame shuts down learning and encourages hiding, lying, or people-pleasing
In a 2009 study by Child Development, researchers found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline, including yelling, were more likely to show increased aggression and low self-esteem over time. They also found that these children would often hide their mistakes or lie to avoid getting in trouble.
These are classic shame-driven behaviors.
Instead of learning from their mistakes, children in shame spirals are more likely to avoid, cover up, or become overly eager to please to regain their parents’ approval. And while these responses may seem like “better” behavior, they’re not based in real understanding or growth, they’re based in fear of disconnection.
And it’s one thing for these shame spirals to only stay in childhood, but as many of us know, that’s not the case. We want to get ahead of this early in development.
What to do
Here’s the powerful truth: growth requires safety. When kids feel loved even in their messiest moments, they can reflect, repair, and change. But when our reactions create shame, we unintentionally shut down that process.
Next time you’re tempted to yell, try pausing. Take one single, slow breath. The goal is to slow everything down. The goal isn’t to show up perfectly. The goal is to create a relationship strong enough for real learning, deep connection, and lasting growth.
Reason #6: It Can Lead to Long-Term Emotional Struggles
While a single yelling episode may not define your child’s emotional health, chronic, consistent yelling, especially without repair, can have lasting effects that ripple into adolescence and adulthood.
When yelling becomes a pattern, it doesn’t just disrupt your relationship at the moment. It changes the way your child experiences themselves, others, and the world.
Chronic yelling can contribute to anxiety, low self-esteem, or aggression
Children who are regularly yelled at often live in a state of heightened alertness. Their nervous systems are always anticipating the next explosion. What this means is that the nervous system then becomes wired for hypervigilance, a constant low-level fear of doing something wrong or disappointing the parent.
Over time, this can manifest as:
- Anxiety: constant worry, perfectionism, people-pleasing
- Low self-esteem: believing they’re not good enough or are always the problem
- Aggression: mimicking yelling as a learned response to stress
The Wang and Kenny study found that teens who were frequently yelled at by their parents showed increased depressive symptoms and behavioral issues, regardless of how close the parent-child relationship otherwise was. That means even warm, loving parents can unknowingly harm their child’s emotional well-being if yelling is a regular response to stress.
Kids may internalize the harsh tone as their inner voice
As mentioned briefly above, one of the most heartbreaking effects of repeated yelling is how it shapes your child’s self-talk. What children hear from us, especially in moments of conflict, becomes the script they repeat in their minds and influences how they experience the world.
If a child hears, “What’s wrong with you?” or “You never listen!” or “You’re such a bad girl,” during moments of tension, those words can become part of their identity. Their inner critic takes on our voice, repeating phrases that echo into their teen and adult years:
- “I always mess up.”
- “I’m not lovable when I make mistakes.”
- “I have to be perfect to be safe.”
- “I’m too much.”
That’s not the legacy any of us wants to leave, nor do we want to have to live with those inner critics either.
What to do
Here’s the good news: you can rewrite the story. When you move toward calm, connected communication, even after a rupture or disconnect in your relationship, you help shape a new inner voice in your child: one that’s kind, compassionate, and resilient. And that voice will serve them far beyond childhood.
Reason #7: You Can Get Trapped In Dysregulation
Let’s be honest, yelling doesn’t usually come from a calm, grounded place. It’s a sign that you’re dysregulated. This is when your nervous system moves into a sympathetic state, like we talked about earlier, fight or flight.
When you yell, it’s not just about your child’s behavior, it’s about your nervous system needing to release.
Yelling is often a sign that your nervous system is dysregulated
The moment your child melts down, talks back, or explodes with emotion, your brain and body pick up on it instantly. Their stress signals (tone, body language, volume) activate your own nervous system. It’s called co-dysregulation, and it happens fast.
In fact, your child’s amygdala (their fear and emotion center) can “hijack” yours. It’s a primitive response rooted in survival. When your brain perceives danger, even if the threat is just spilled cereal or a defiant tone, your limbic system takes over, your thinker brain turns off and your brain is ready for battle.
Yes, even over spilled cereal. As you read this, you may be in a regulated state and think that’s ridiculous. The way we help our brains agree that it’s ridiculous is by practicing coping skills that will bring us back to regulation. Also, being aware of your thoughts in the moment can help your brain understand that cereal all over the table and the ground is not actually a threat.
Once your amygdala is triggered, you lose access to the part of your nervous system responsible for compassion, empathy, and perspective, which is called your ventral vagal state, or what some call your “highest self” or “social engagement system.”
This is why even well-intentioned parents say things they later regret when yelling. Your thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline, and your survival brain takes the wheel.
The more you resort to yelling, the more it becomes your default
Here’s the tricky part: the brain is efficient.
If yelling becomes your go-to, your brain wires it in as a habit. It becomes easier to yell the next time, and harder to pause, reflect, or respond calmly. This is why reading a book or even this blog post may not do the trick to get you to stop yelling.
If you need additional support, I invite you to schedule a complimentary coaching call with me!
You’re not just reacting when you yell, you’re reinforcing a neural pathway that takes a lot of practice and time to “reroute”.
Over time, this creates a chronic stress loop, not just for your child but also for you. Your body stays on edge, your patience runs thin, and even small things feel big. You may feel constantly tense, exhausted, or irritable, and unsure how to break the cycle.
Yelling increases stress for both of you
When you yell, cortisol (the stress hormone) surges in both your body and your child’s. This leaves you both feeling more drained, disconnected, and reactive. What began as a moment of frustration turns into a full-blown spiral.
But here’s the empowering truth: regulation is contagious, too.
When you focus on calming your own nervous system through tools like deep breathing, movement, mindfulness, or simply pausing, you model emotional strength. You show your child what it looks like to stay present, even when things feel hard.
And over time, that becomes your new default.
What to do
Yelling might feel like a release, but it costs more than it gives. The more you protect your peace, the more capacity you’ll have to guide your child through their big emotions, too. You absolutely need a release, but it can be done in healthy ways.
Related Resource: My friend has an incredible resource that could help if you’re stuck in a chronic state of stress and yelling! It’s called the Coping Skills Hub.
There are resources for parents and practitioners to teach kids, but there are also coping skills for adults, too! She’s a licensed therapist and knows her stuff!
Reason #8: It Doesn’t Teach the Skill Your Child Needs
Here’s a truth that can radically shift the way we approach parenting:
Discipline isn’t about punishment, it’s about teaching.
The word “discipline” means to teach or guide. Our job as parents isn’t just to stop unwanted behavior because we feel uncomfortable; it’s to help our kids build the skills they need to thrive: emotional regulation, empathy, problem-solving, and self-control.
Yelling teaches the opposite of those skills.
Yelling’s main lesson: fear.
Yelling creates short-term compliance, not long-term understanding
When we yell, kids might stop what they’re doing at the moment. But that pause is driven by fear or stress, not reflection or insight. They’re not learning why their behavior was a problem or how to make a better choice next time. They’re just trying to get out of trouble.
And if fear is the main driver of “good behavior,” kids often struggle when no one’s watching. They haven’t internalized the values or skills; we’ve just scared them into silence or pushed them so far into the “not caring” or apathy zone, which isn’t where we want kids either.
Yelling blocks emotional learning
True emotional intelligence is built in moments of safety, not shame. If a child is melting down, hitting, lying, or struggling to follow directions, it’s likely because they don’t yet have the skills to manage that moment in a healthy way. Yelling punishes them for not having a skill they still need to develop.
It’s like yelling at a toddler for not knowing how to tie their shoes. Or yelling at a baby who falls down when learning to walk.
Read Next: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching Life Skills to Kids
What to do
Kids need coaching, not criticism. They need the adult to be the calm, even if they have chaotic behavior. They do not need the adult to add more chaos.
Teaching through connection builds skills for life.
When you stay regulated and choose connection over control, you’re not being permissive, you’re being strategic. You’re meeting your child’s nervous system with stability so you can co-regulate. You’re creating the brain state where learning can happen.
And over time, that kind of teaching builds not just better behavior, but stronger, more resilient kids and a relationship built on trust and connection.
So next time you feel the urge to yell, ask yourself:
“What does my child need to learn right now?”
And then: “How can I teach that with calm, clarity, and connection?”
That’s where the real transformation begins.
Reason #9: There Are Better Tools That Work
If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of yelling, reacting, and regretting, it’s not because you’re a bad parent. It’s because no one taught or modeled the tools that actually work.
The truth is: you don’t need to yell to get your child to listen.
In fact, the calmer, more consistent, and connected you are, the more likely you are to see lasting behavior change.
Calm, connected discipline creates real change
Discipline rooted in connection doesn’t mean you’re letting your child “get away” with things. It means you’re guiding them with authority and compassion. You’re holding boundaries with kindness. You’re correcting without shaming.
And it works.
I probably don’t need to say this again, but when kids feel safe, they can access the part of their brain that helps them reflect, listen, and grow. They’re more open to feedback. More willing to cooperate. More able to repair and try again.
Co-regulation, the process where a calm adult helps a dysregulated child return to balance, is one of the most powerful parenting tools you have. And it only works if you stay grounded.
What to do
When you choose to breathe instead of yell, pause instead of react, or connect instead of control, you’re not “letting them off the hook.” You’re leading them toward growth by giving their brain exactly what it needs to learn.
You get better results and preserve your relationship
At the end of the day, it’s not just about stopping the yelling, it’s about building something better in its place: a relationship based on mutual trust, safety, and connection.
When you parent from this place, discipline becomes less about control and more about guiding. And over time, your child learns not just how to behave, but how to regulate, relate, and repair.
If you’re not sure where to start, I created a Calm Mom Toolkit for you!
Free Download: Calm Mom Toolkit
If you’ve yelled at your kids, you’re not a bad parent. You’re a human parent.
I’ll never forget that day in the playroom. I can still picture the look on my kids’ faces. It was pure shock and complete fear since they weren’t used to it. With everything going on in the world and the messages we were getting, I reached my breaking point.
I made a choice after that moment. I chose to learn a better way. I started small, daily breathing exercises, walking, going to a daily sit spot, intentionally calming the noise in my mind, and I began noticing the signs that I was about to snap. And slowly, I began to change.
You can, too.
Here’s your invitation!
Download the Calm Mom Toolkit
Try one tool this week, and practice for at least 5 minutes a day. You can dedicate 5 minutes to a calmer you, I promise!
The toolkit is full of simple, science-backed tools to help you stay grounded, respond instead of react, and break the yelling cycle for good.
Let me know how it goes! And as always, I’m only an email away – adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com
