A few months ago, I asked a friend this question.
Should we be worried about our kids playing with toy guns?
This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.
She, too, is a momma of boys. I respect her opinion so I was intrigued as to how she and her husband handle this topic in their home.
She agreed it was a toughie.
We both have explained the difference between fake and real guns to our kids. There are rules and boundaries on how to play. We often have to remind them of these rules over and over and over again. Repeating expectations helps kids know we care about them, love them and provide security. This is also how they learn!
Besides aggressive play, our boys don’t play or own any video game consoles. They play a few games on their tablets (during the 45 minutes they get per WEEK). None of these games, however, involve guns. Also, they don’t watch any violent movies or shows; in fact, they barely watch any television at all.
Knowing I love research, she suggested I did a little digging. Days after our conversation, I hadn’t had time to look anything up, yet this topic became even more apparent that it’s important.
What I learned after being verbally attacked over toy guns
*This was written the night this happened because I was emotionally rattled and needed to get it out. Someone told me that when I started to blog, God may start giving me “content”. Well, here’s some content for ya!
It was a Thursday. Park day.
A few friends from a local church like to get together after school one day a week to hang out and let the kids play. It was mostly boys between the ages of two and nine.
On this particular day, we were at a park that was new to us. A few of the other boys brought toy guns. Our kids’ toy guns stay at home but they happily shared their friends’. There were a few NERF guns, a lot of bullets, and a few guns that didn’t shoot anything, but instead, made annoying sounds.
The boys were running around shooting each other.
Let me rephrase that.
They were yelling loudly running every which way, jumping off of anything they could, enjoying being rowdy outside after a long day at school. They were probably playing cops and robbers involving a few arrests. Not many NERF bullets were flying as they seemed to favor the noisy guns instead.
They were purely playing. Very intensely and loudly, but playing.
As I was over with the other moms under a ramada for a few moments, a woman came over asking whose son one of the boys was. She was upset that he was using inappropriate gun language towards her toddler.
I was the lucky winner of that boy.
Pulling him aside, I asked what happened. He claimed he didn’t say those words. Part of me felt guilty that I wasn’t by his side to know exactly what he said, but I also know how damaging helicopter parenting is.
It’s vital that our kids get freedom (within boundaries) even if they do make less-than-good choices. And when (it’s never IF because there is not a single perfect person) a bad choice is made, as cliche as it sounds, it’s a teaching opportunity. It’s not usually a character issue with this particular son but a chemical one especially since he’s Twice Exceptional.
The lady had already yelled at him leaving him armed and ready to defend. Because of this, I knew it was going to be hard to communicate with him at that time.
With him being differently wired and well, who he is, talking to him in the moment usually makes things worse, not better. If we can wait until his prefrontal cortex comes back online, he is far more open to discussing his poor choices. Then he can process that information to figure out how he can make better choices next time. That’s what we care more about than forcing him to say sorry on the spot without any change to his heart.
I used very little words. Instead of getting into it with him there, I asked him how he could make things right. I asked if he thought he should apologize even though he denied her accusations.
As we were talking, I heard an older woman yelling at my other son and his friend. She was screaming at them to stop aiming their guns at her. Then she proceeded to reprimand one of the (very young) boys because he was rolling his eyes.
It all happened so fast.
Somehow, I was standing in between two playground structures with three adults on both sides throwing words and gestures at me like I was their target at shooting practice. No pun intended.
They said that our kids needed psychiatric help because they were using words like “sniper” and saying, “I’m going to shoot you,” to each other. The one woman said she was a school principal. She mentioned that if she saw that behavior on her playground, she would be getting that family help. She also said that this was a public park and how dare our kids to make it uncomfortable for others to play.
As I was trying to connect with my little boy to see if he was intentionally pointing the gun at the lady (which I was standing right there and he was not; it just happened to be in her direction), the man who was with her starting yelling at me saying I needed to actually parent and take the gun away from him. Then the insult that rocked me to my core was,
“You are a horrible parent.”
I can barely write that without tears rolling down my face onto the keyboard. I was trying to help my child the best way I knew how, but they wouldn’t even give me the room to breathe.
Their anger was suffocating me.
Somehow I remained calm. Thank you Jesus, and thank you for mindfulness! As I politely responded, they got louder and louder until the woman pulled out her phone to call the police.
The police never came.
I don’t write all of this in a way that puts us at no fault. They were offended and their feelings (for whatever reasons they had) about toy guns were validated.
However, the way they handled the situation was not helpful to anyone and made it nearly impossible for me to parent. Ironically, this is why they got so mad.
Once the irate families left, I returned to my friends who had no idea any of this was happening. Calmly, I told them, “Those people just called the cops on us.” Jaws dropped and I was met with confused stares. They were so sweet making sure I was okay.
Shortly after, I gathered my crew and we drove home while most of us cried. It felt awful yet there were incredible learning opportunities that came from the situation. We were able to discuss:
- How to read people
- Ways to properly handle conflict
- How many people have very strong opinions about different topics
- How our words really do matter
- What we should do when an adult is irate, etc.
Because I was able to do this AFTER the fact and when they were in a teachable state, they still talk and reference back to what happened and are equipped to make a better choice.
What Are My Personal Thoughts On Toy Guns?
Good question.
My brother was killed with a real gun at the age of 19 and didn’t survive.
I hate guns. I hate violence.
Mean people make me really really sad. And evil hurts my head, body, and more than anything, my heart. I feel like even more than the average person; it’s like I can actually feel the excruciating aches and cries of those wounded. My heart and prayers go out to anyone affected by real guns or any kind of weapon used for harm.
But what about toy guns? Is it the same thing?
I know my kids don’t think they are real and play is important. As a friend of mine says, “Boys also come out of the womb as cavemen ready for war.” Our two-year-old turns paper, pencils, pretty much anything and pretends to shoot it, but by being okay with it, does that mean we normalizing real guns? And is that okay?
I have a lot of questions! Whenever researching a topic like this, I really want to look at both sides. There is evidence that is in support and is also against the use of toy guns for kids. With anything in parenting or life, we have the ultimate decision to do what we think is best for our kids.
What the research says:
Before we get into the play side of toy guns, it’s imperative we teach our kids other topics surrounding guns and violence. If we forbid our kids of something without them fully understanding why they will want it even more.
Educate Educate Educate
We need to talk to our kids about both gun safety and gun violence as they will be exposed to it whether it is on the news, internet, TV, at school, or with friends. With any “hard topic,” it’s always best that they hear from us first.
We have to remember this is an ongoing conversation over the years as they grow and develop a greater understanding of the world around them. Kids are wired to want to learn from their parents.
The More Important Issue
Talking to our kids about issues surrounding guns is more important than allowing them to play with a squirt gun, NERF gun, or plastic noise-maker.
Here are ways and topics to discuss with your kids. We want to keep their developmental age in mind and do it in a way that doesn’t create debilitating anxiety.
- There is endemic violence that is occurring in our country and around the world. | It’s important that our kids hear about these tragedies from us and not the news or the internet. We can discuss it in an age-appropriate way and reiterate that it’s our responsibility as parents to keep them safe.
- There are healthy ways to diffuse anger. | This goes for how to control our own anger as to how to respond to those who are angry like I tried my hardest to display to my kids in the story above.
- How to handle conflict. | We don’t come out of the womb knowing how to handle conflict. This must be taught!
- Why there are safety protocols and police officers on the streets and may even be in your child’s school? | Have open discussions about the drills they do and that servicemen and women’s responsibilities are to keep them safe.
- What to do if they see a gun. | See below.
As I’m typing this, I want to make sure I’m not minimizing what continues to happen in our country and worldwide with gun violence. We do need to process it, pray for the families, show sincere support; not just see it on the news and then forget about it.
Dr. F. Ski Chilton explains, ” …if a threat is constantly reinforced by repetitive exposure, nature has put in genetic (actually epigenetic) mechanisms that assure that this fear is learned and intensified, and our response to it only grows stronger.”
Teach Your Kids About Gun Safety
In addition to gun violence, we also need to make our kids very aware that guns are weapons. Here are the basics of gun safety according to NRA Family.
- Teach your child that if they see a gun, “Stop. Don’t Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an adult.” This mantra is from NRA’s Eddie Eagle. Even if they think the gun is fake, make sure they know to get an adult immediately.
- If they ever are handling a gun with an adult’s supervision, treat all guns as if they are loaded. Tell them to always keep their finger off the trigger unless they are ready to shoot. Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction. And always keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.
- Make sure they know guns including BB guns are not to play with like a toy because toys don’t hurt; real guns do.
- Stress how different guns have different powers.
- Start with target practice in a safe environment shooting something like cans.
The Debate About Toy (NOT REAL) Guns
Educating and keeping an open conversation with our kids about the real thing is utterly important.
Allowing our kids to play and use their imaginations is vital to healthy development.
More than ever, our kids are getting less and less unstructured play. Despite the research that supports play linking to social and cognitive development, too much structure, pressure for our kids to perform, and technology is providing a barricade.
Why Kids Should NOT Play With Toy Guns
To be honest, it was a lot harder to find information in support of keeping toy guns out of kids’ hands. I intentionally went out seeking why kids should not play with toy guns and most of the content led back to why it’s beneficial.
However, I did find one very small study done in 1992. The conclusion was that playing with toy guns made kids (mostly boys) more aggressive. However, the biggest factor wasn’t about the guns but rather, how they were parented at home. Corporal punishment and harsh talk played a bigger role than just the toy guns themselves.
Other than that study, a lot of people had personal opinions about not prohibiting toy gun play. Mostly, it stemmed from the heightened fear of real gun usage or the opinion that toy gun play leads to aggressive adults.
The Benefits of Toy Gun and Aggressive Play
From pouring over all the evidence, it seems that there are a lot of benefits. I read a lot of studies and articles regarding the subject. In particular, this article by Jay Mechling was written well and full of juicy research if you want to dig deeper.
Why we should allow our kids to play with toy guns:
- Playing with toy guns is not about violence, instead, it symbolizes power, leadership, authority, strength, and control. | Kids are able to decipher between these skills in the safety of play {source}
- If you try banning this type of play for a kid who is drawn to pretend shooting things, it will give the toy gun and aggressive play more power. | They may hide it or feel shame for having the desire.
- When kids are forbidden from taking part of aggressive play with or without weapons, they are being limited in the opportunities they can have for cognitive, social and emotional, physical, and verbal development. | Kids especially boys have been playing this way for hundreds of years. {source}
- When a child is playing with a toy gun, it’s not real violence. | This is many adults’ perception like the people in my story. Michael Thompson of “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys states, “I understand why parents get upset by these games, but it is play, and play does not lead to lethal aggression. Play … is consensual. Aggression is hurtful and produces injury in the person. Play doesn’t produce any of that.”
- Yelling at a child for engaging in typical pretend play can cause shame which then cuts off communication.
- Toy guns can help kids self-regulate in the real world. | Researchers postulate that when kids incorporate violence into their pretend play, they may learn how to control real violent impulses and regulate their emotions.
- Lastly, compared to other forms of healthy aggressive play, playing with toy guns is considerably more “hands-off.”
Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Kid Calm Down
9 Tips for Allowing Your Kids To Play With Guns
- The intent should never be to hurt. | Letting kids go buck wild with a toy gun or aggressive play is never okay. Once it’s clear that the kid has crossed the threshold from play to real aggression, it must be stopped (through positive communication, of course!)
- Encourage your kids to switch roles from being the bad guy to the good guy. | Or I would prefer always the good guy because my fantasy world doesn’t involve bad guys. Ha!
- Be careful with criticizing the words they are using during this type of play. | Thompson says, “Boys think, ‘If you don’t like my play, you don’t like me.'” Allow them to be imaginative.
- Stand up for your kids. | Respectfully stand up to other adults who are scrutinizing how your kids are playing. Reference all the benefits above if they give you time to speak.
- Monitor what kind of guns they play with. | Maybe stay away from ones that replicate real ones, toy guns that can still hurt like a paintball gun and others that may cause injury.
- Constantly remind kids to never aim a toy gun at someone’s face even if it doesn’t shoot anything. | This is something we feel is very important to teach our boys.
- Make sure your child knows how to point out a toy gun from a real gun. | Teach him or her the mantra listed above if they do come across the real thing.
- Keep the amount to a minimum. | If they start becoming obsessed or build up a huge arsenal, maybe limit it to a certain amount. A great tip from my friend mentioned at the beginning of the post is that her son has to donate his NERF gun in order to get a new one.
- Consider where they are allowed to play with the toy guns. | Obviously, some people have very strong opinions about the subject so maybe keep them at home or only with other kids whose parents see the benefit.
An Apology
If somehow the people that were at the park stumbled upon this post, I would like to apologize.
We did not in any way want you to feel like you couldn’t be at the park with the little girls you were with. My boys had a lot of remorse in making you feel that way and learned really great lessons.
They were only playing which I know you don’t agree is appropriate. As I found through hours of research, it can be healthy and beneficial to their development.
They didn’t mean any harm.
My son who said those words had a REALLY tough day that day at school and was already feeling defeated. He also thinks and acts differently than a neurotypical kid, but is also one of the most empathic, sweetest, most intelligent and caring boys I know. And more importantly, he understood that his words make an impact but sometimes can’t realize it until after. This is not his choice; it’s where he is, developmentally.
I don’t want to negate my apology because it is of utmost sincerity. But for my own healing, I want to also forgive you for saying some very hurtful things to me, a mom who has made it her life’s goal to raise psychologically healthy, joyful, kind, and respectful humans with the help of the best research out there and even more importantly, God.
I know I don’t always get it right and with the help of you pointing that out, I can try harder and give myself the grace to keep fighting the good fight.
What Are Your Thoughts?
From all the research I feel a little bit of a relief that there is good to be found in this type of play. My gut definitely still struggles with it.
I would love to know! What are your thoughts on allowing kids to play with toy guns? Leave a reply below.
