We have all been there.

Everything seems to be going fine until one kid doesn’t get what he or she wants or someone says something that sparks a complete meltdown. It doesn’t matter the age of the kid, extreme emotions and tantrums happen.

Often when emotions are high, as parents, we come alongside them causing it to be a head-on collision with both parties being taken to the ER from all the damage.

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How to Help Your Kids Self Regulate

It’s usually more frequent the younger the child is. If the outbursts continue to happen into school age, that is usually an indicator he or she has difficulty with self or emotional regulation.

I have good news, there are ways we can minimize and even get rid of the outbursts altogether. Our kids need the tools AND US {!) to do it.

Not all kids are alike

Temperament can play a huge role in whether or not a child gets his or her feathers ruffled easily. They don’t usually randomly become feisty but come out of the womb screaming, literally.

Some kids, especially those who are neurodiverse, have any kind of mental diagnosis of giftedness, ADHD, Autism, ADD, Anxiety, OCD, multiple diagnoses, etc, tend to have an even more difficult time regulating the big emotions. Especially if the child is tired, hungry or had some of his or her kryptonite (another post on that coming soon!).

Two of my kids (that we know of) are differently wired so the screaming, flailing and complete angry atomic bombs going off in my house can sometimes be OFF THE CHARTS.

Can anyone else relate? I’m not even sure how we’ve gotten to the other side alive in some instances. It can be very heartbreaking for me to watch, which is why I became intentional in learning how to control my own emotions so I can give them the tools to cope with their extreme outbursts.

I like to envision myself putting on a sparkly superhero cape, swooping down and using my special powers to magically make the emotions go running down the street in fear.

In reality, I desperately try to remember what tools we have at our disposal that can be used to minimize the meltdown as much as possible.

This is why I created the Calm Down Tool Box that can go on my fridge for a quick reference.

Read Next: Calm Down Kit Ideas to Help Kids Manage Big Emotions | Free Printable

Every kid is unique and responds to different tools at different times, you guessed it, differently. And these can be used for any child whether or not they have a tiny rainstorm or an incredibly large category five hurricane tantrum.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Really quick, before I head into the strategies that help manage emotions, I want to get a little nerdy on ya. If you are like me, you will find all of this extremely fascinating. My goal is to help you realize what is going on behind the scenes so that you can remain calm in the storm.

Let’s first learn a little about Self and Emotional Regulation.

Self Reg, as the cool kids call it, is the ability to control both our behaviors and emotions. In regards to helping a child with big emotions, this is called Emotional Regulation. The brain is very complex so to break it down, it is our ability to calm ourselves down when emotions are high and to get emotions back up when we are down in the dumps.

Handling the Day-To-Day

We have task demands coming at us all day long. From the moment kids wake up, they need to do what it takes to get themselves ready and out of the house and then off to school or whatever activity is planned that day. The demands don’t end until we hit the pillow at night.

Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to these demands of life. I like to think of it as the gears turning in our heads when something arises we don’t like or when something puts us in a fight, flight or freeze mode.

Think of the characters on Inside Out. They are helping the little girl regulate her behaviors and emotions to provide for her best life. Some kids “Anger” guy is a lot stronger and beats out the others.

Being able to regulate emotions is in the Prefrontal Cortex or as what a lot of psychologists refer to as the “cognitive” or “thinker” brain. This part of the brain does not fully develop until we are in our mid-20’s!

The more developed part of the brain is the limbic system or also known as the “reptilian” or “caveman” brain. This is where these strong emotions stem from.

Do you see the disconnect?

A child’s emotional processor is far more developed and ready to battle than the part of the brain where planning, reasoning, decision making and moderating social behavior comes from.

Aha! Here is the question we should be asking in regards to anger, frustration, tantrum-like whining or any kind of lashing out emotion:

How do we give a child the skills necessary to help the undeveloped part of the brain connect neurons and make our lives a lot more peaceful?

How We Can Help Our Kids Control Their Big Emotions?

The mindset we need to first become very familiar with is that our kids’ big emotions mean they are struggling. Our kids are not out to get us, they simply have a lot going on in their brain that they need some assistance with. And we can’t put their oxygen mask on without putting ours on first.

Co-Regulation

There’s that regulation word again. Isn’t God’s design of us incredible? I can’t even wrap my brain (pun not intended!) around how we were created as I slowly unpack what the brain is capable of. By staying calm, clear and concise ourselves, we actually have the power to influence our kid’s emotional state in what is called co-regulation.

Because I know how much impact my own emotions can have on my kids, it makes it so much easier for me to stay calm (most of the time; don’t talk to me about the other night! Ha!). If it helps, you can pretend like you have the mind-controlling superhero power because basically, you do! And you can even scream (in your head, of course), “I HAVE THE POWER {insert evil laugh here}…

There are also many ways you can manage your own anger and emotions that I’ll discuss in another post.

How can you use your brain to calm your child’s? 

• Think of your interaction as helping the child.
• Make sure they know you are on their side.
• Remember that their feelings are too big for them to feel.
• Give them hope that big feelings won’t always be this big.
• The absolute best thing we can say to them when they’re extremely angry, frustrated or sad is, “I am on your side. What can I do to help you?” Try to avoid correction or phrases that speak down to them like, “You didn’t deserve to do that anyway” or “Why would you do that?”
• Ask your child, “Can I hold that for you?” Meaning you can hold his or her anger or big feelings for him or her. How precious is that message you’re sending?

Calming Techniques

Now we know what is going on in our kids’ brains and why we need to remain calm to help them.  Let’s get to the tools we can give our kids to help them do something they are incapable of doing.

A favorite mantra of mine is adopted by Dr. Ross Greene who wrote The Explosive Child (It’s a super quick listen!):

Kids will do well if they can.

So it’s our job to help them if it appears that they can’t.

Limit How Much We Talk

This one is soooo tough for me! When a child is in full meltdown mode, do not try to teach, reason or explain.

There will be no point in doing this.

While the Reptilian brain is in charge, it can’t hear you. A phrase Dr. Dan Siegel uses is, “Don’t poke the lizard.” When a child is in this state of mind, he or she is not capable of rational thought. Subsequently, they are in survival mode using either fight, flight or freeze. If you are not attuned to your child, your words are viewed as a threat.

Your job is to give your kids the tools they can use themselves to get connected back to the Thinker brain.

18 Ways to Help Your Kid Calm Down and Handle Big Emotions

Breathe

This is THE number one thing any person can do to calm themselves down. Breathing has a direct connection with the part of the arousal center of the brain. It’s your “in” to calm.

1. Birthday cake breathing. | Telling your kids to “breathe” may not actually get them to breathe especially when they’re out of control. What has worked for my kids is to tell them to breathe in the birthday cake, hold in the breath as they put up the candles on their hand, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5” then blow those candles out as hard as they can.
2. Use a mindfulness app like Breathe Kids |The app has different missions based on how the child is feeling. It can aid in getting their breathing under control.
3. Blow bubbles | Genius! Give them a bottle of bubbles and let them work on that long exhale as they blow. If you are indoors and don’t want your child to blow bubbles, hand him or her a pinwheel.
4. Volcano Breath | I like this visualization because it combines breathing with being physical and a little humor. Have your child crouch down to the ground and take a deep breath in. Then, tell them to explode up in the air with hands above the head exhaling as if lava was flowing out of their head.

Creativity

1. “Mad Box”. | Create a box filled with playdough, crayons, paint, paper, or anything they can destroy. This is a great thing to hand over to your kid and walk away to give them needed space.
2. Draw out the feelings. | On a piece of paper, tell your child to simply “draw what you feel.” They may just scribble or draw a person. It’s a great way to express feelings.
3. Sing or make up a song. | This one may take practice, but you can start singing and have them join in. Often when I start singing, it pokes my bigger kids’ lizards (doesn’t that sound funny???), but this works wonders for my toddler.
4. Paint. | Visual arts have been linked to resilience to stress and this will give your child a mental distraction from the big feelings. If handing over paint to your kids causes you stress (!), give them a can of shaving cream so they can “paint” with that. There’s always the option to send them outside to paint, too!

Physical Activity

1. Run, jump, or get moving in a physical way | It’s not uncommon for us to send our kids outside to run up and down the sidewalk. I’m not sure what our neighbors think, but it’s one of our best tools when meltdowns happen. If you live in a cold climate, find an area in your house where they can run like stairs or a long hallway. Jumping or stomping on balls of paper can work as well.
2. Tear it up | Hand your enraged child a piece of paper letting them tear away. When we use this tool for our six year old, we ask him if he can tear it into a certain amount of pieces. It’s usually 50-75. By the time he gets to about 30, the big emotions are almost completely gone… like magic!
3. Splash cold water on the face | I don’t know a ton about it but know that cold water can trigger vegus tone which helps calm the nervous system down. Another way you can approach water is to tell your child to visualize the anger running off of his or her face and down the drain.
4. Freeze an object | Hear me out on this one. You can let the child take an object or a crumpled piece of paper and have them put it in the freezer. Tell them it’s their anger that needs to be cooled down. This helps them visualize what to do with the emotion but then also gives the cooling down sensation when they remove the object.
5. Shake shake shake | Tell your child to shake his or her hands a certain amount of times. Get the blood flowing to the hands.
6. Go upside down | Inversions like headstands or downward dog have a restorative effect on the autonomic nervous system which controls the body’s response to stress. Your child can also do something simple as bend over and touch their toes for 20 seconds.

Mental Distractions

1. Use humor | Try to get your kid to laugh by either being silly yourself or asking him or her to tell you a joke. They may not be ready for this, but for some kids, this is the best way to help them get out of their funk.
2. Watch a fish swim | Watching fish swim reduces blood pressure and heart rate. We have two little tanks with one Beta each, but the research says, the bigger the tank the better. If your kids have been begging you for a pet, this one will have multiple benefits!
3. Glitter jars | Have a few glitter jars on hand for your child to shake and watch during a meltdown.
4. Count | There’s a reason anesthesiologists have patients count down from 100 while administering medicine. It’s a great way to focus on something else. Counting offers a concentration task without overwhelming the brain. You can also have your child close his or eyes and count to five. This short meditation gives your child the ability to think before they act.

The Calm after the Storm

Now It’s Safe to Talk It Out 

As mentioned above, the worst time to talk to a child or try to explain what you want from them is while their emotions are heightened.

Wait until they are calm and connected.

This may be within minutes or with my kids, I need to wait for at least 30 minutes or even the next day to talk about what happened.

1. Ask your child, “Where was the Anger?” | Help them locate where the big feeling was. For some kids, it may be in their hands which typically are the kids who hit. For others, it may be in their head or mouths which caused them to scream. Tell them where you often feel your anger to show empathy and relatability.
2. A bug and a wish | This is a tool that Dr. Wendy Young teaches. Help your kid communicate when others are bothering them, “It bugs me when you ______________. I wish that you would _______________. Such an easy way to help them express their feelings without exploding.
3. Get your child to tell you how you can help | As I mentioned above, make sure they know you are on their side. You are there to do what is necessary to help them calm down. We may not always have the time to get on their level but in whatever capacity you can, being there for your child is what counts.

That’s All There Is To It

Right?!

Please feel my sarcasm.

This parenting stuff is hard work. However, I know from experience that when we connect first and give our kids the tools they need, the hard work pays off. I hear parents saying they don’t have time to do all of this. My answer is that you don’t have time not to. Once we give our kids the skills they need to emotionally regulate, they won’t need us as much. That should be the goal.

To help you help your kids, I created a few free printables to hang on the fridge or command center.

Read More: Routines for Kids: How They Work And How To Create Your Own

This is even great if you are heading out the door or are cooking dinner and can’t drop everything to calm your child. They can go grab the sheet and find what they want to do at that moment. Another way to give them the power to be in control of their own emotions. SCORE!!!

Calm Down Toolbox – Free download

I developed this free download for your kiddos. It has all of the calm down techniques discussed in this post. I have found that it helps when I involve my kids in the process. Because of this, there is a second printable available if your child would like to make his or her own. Simply cut and paste the techniques they think will help!

What strategies do you use? 

I would love to hear from you! Do you have an emotional child? Angry child? What kinds of strategies or techniques have you found that work? Tell me by commenting below!