July 16, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 13 Comments

Transform Your Morning Routine to be a Productive and Happy Mom

Some days it feels like I’m on a never-ending Merry-Go-Round. Do you ever feel this way?

It’s a cycle of important but also mundane tasks. Working, picking up clothes, cleaning counters, scrubbing toilets, sweeping floors, wiping butts and noses (hopefully at separate times), running kids to activities, helping with homework, cooking dinner, spending time with your spouse and squeezing whatever time is left to exercise and read all take up an ENTIRE day.

There are some nights when my head finally crashes into the pillow, I ask myself, “What did I even do today?” Or I feel completely and utterly drained. I have nothing left to give.

I fall asleep and jump back on the Merry-Go-Round the next morning emptier than the day before.

mom doing yoga and reading a book self care for moms

Transform Your Morning Routine to be a Productive and Happy Mom

Being a mom is a tough job. We are constantly needed.

I have found that if I feel productive and find a little time for myself, I’m so much happier and in turn, I am able to be a nice mom and wife. Instead of feeling like I’m on a never-ending ride, I am on an exhilarating roller coaster that fills me with joy. When it’s finished, I can get off and am recharged enough for the next ride.

Read Next: Simple Systems to Keep Your Home Organized and Clutter Free

How to Be a More Productive and Happy Mom

I can’t ever remember being able to wake up in the morning.

In high school, I would get ready in just enough time to throw clothes on, put my hair in a pony and head out the door. Then in college, I worked hard not to schedule any early classes. What has always bothered me though is that I WANTED to be a morning person.

The birds chirping, cool crisp morning air, and a refreshed brain enticed me.

My kids are late sleepers so I never needed to wake early. Recently, I decided I would pull up my big girl pants and go for it! Even though it’s been a struggle, the more I do it, the happier I’ve become. Spending time with God, journaling, savoring my surroundings, and preparing for the day, I have all the mental tools I need.

The way we start our day often predicts the quality of our day and quality of life. It all starts with a good morning routine.

Kids desire routines too! Check this post out: Routines for Kids: Why They Work & How to Create Your Own

Tips on How To Become a Morning Person

How do we become a morning person if we aren’t already? Isn’t this the million-dollar question?

Genetics determines what biologists and psychologists call chronotype. The definition is “a person’s natural inclination with regard to the times of day when they prefer to sleep or when they are most alert or energetic.”

According to Dr. Michael Breus, a psychologist, sleep specialist and author of “The Power of When“, there are four different chronotypes:

Dolphin – Light sleepers
Lion – Early risers who wake with a lot of energy
Bear – Sleepers whose internal clocks track the rise and fall of the sun
Wolf – Night owls who have a hard time waking up early and are the most energetic at night

Half of the population are Bears like me, with the remaining filling into the remaining three categories. My husband is a wolf making morning very difficult for him to wake up.

For all chronotypes except Lions, retraining our natural wake-up clock is possible but takes time, practice and consistency. The trifecta of so many things in life, right?

Retrain Your Sleep Schedule

There are six tips to help retrain your natural sleep-wake cycle. These come from Dr. W. Christopher Winter, spokesperson for the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (source).

Figure out a good morning schedule, but don’t worry too much about bedtime. | When you focus so much on what time to go to bed at night, it causes you to become stressed making it hard to fall asleep. However, if you are waking early, you will eventually get tired and not be able to stay up as late. Focus on getting out of bed when you say you will. This has definitely been the case for me as I used to consistently go to bed at midnight but can barely make it to 10:00 pm most nights.
Stay consistent seven days a week. | Try to keep the same schedule every day because if you don’t, your chronotype will take charge. It will tell your body that the early schedule is temporary starting the hard-to-wake cycle again.
Use an alarm that makes you think. | A regular snooze alarm doesn’t allow your body to wake enough to really wake up. Instead, pick an app like Alarmy There are also alarm clocks specifically for sound sleepers. Or what I do is put my phone across the room so I have to get up out of bed to turn it off. I have contemplated doing jump squats to the alarm so I don’t get back in bed and fall back to sleep. Ha!
Light up your room! | Open your curtains to allow natural light to come in or if it’s winter, use artificial light. When my husband was in high school, he put a floodlight on a timer so it would blast him with light first thing in the morning. Light signals to the brain to stop making melatonin which is the hormone that helps you sleep.
Move your body! | Exercising first thing in the morning helps wake the body. Exercise has so many benefits from sleep to energy levels and it attributes to good mental health.
Eat a high protein breakfast. | We focus on having a high protein diet in our home because we found how it positively affects our kids’ moods and energy levels. Also according to Winter, “Protein facilitates wakefulness while carbs promote sleep.” So save those donuts for later in the day (or maybe not at all, wink wink).

mom doing yoga and reading bible study in the morning

Read More: How to Take Care of MYSELF so I Can Give More to My Family

Start Habit Stacking Your Mornings

Simply meaning doing a set of habits in sequential order the same way every day, habit stacking makes the sequence itself a new habit. Once you do this enough, it takes less motivation and energy to implement behaviors.

Habit Stacking is created with this statement:

“After I {do something} I will {do the next thing}.

If I have a morning routine established, it’s easier to wake up. Having a plan is imperative or I wake up wasting time and thinking I should be sleeping instead.

Morning Routine Ideas

There are many different habits you can start doing in the morning that will make you feel fulfilled and in turn, be more productive during the day. All of the steps contribute to self-care and soul care. I say this all the time, but we can’t give to others if we aren’t taking care of ourselves first.

In order to have a kind of morning that energizes me, I need to do it before my kids wake up. Thankfully, our boys all sleep in making a distraction-free morning fairly easy to do.

If you have early risers, try to find ways to keep them in their rooms longer, give them their own morning routine to do that doesn’t require your help or if you can swing it, wake even earlier than them.

Here are ideas of what you can do for your morning routine. They can be put in any order.

Read

The very first thing I do when I wake (before my kids) is to grab my current bible study book, Bible and head out to the back porch. Fresh air helps me wake up. I’m the opposite of a homebody so anytime I can be outside of my house, the better I feel. A perfect spot for you may be in your breakfast nook or on living room couch.

Starting the day with God’s Word fills my soul. What I have been learning from my study is that I need to delight in the Lord first so I can be filled with joy for everyone else in my life.

Pray/Meditate

I take this time to pray which includes affirming God, thanking him for my life, praying for specific things and people and asking for forgiveness.

This time can also be spent doing Transcendental Meditation or guided meditation practice. Try to pick something where you can calm your mind, sit in silence and focus on the plans for your life.

These Calm Down strategies for kids can help you get to a state of peace as well!

Gratefulness Practice

The next thing I do is write down all the things I’m thankful for and because of my faith, I thank God for those things.

If this is new to you and it’s a challenge to come up with what you’re grateful for, start with this: Write down something in your past, present and something that’s coming up in the future. Or look around your house. I’m sure there are at least five things that can help you instantly find gratitude.

Research has proven that gratitude improves physical and psychological health, builds relationships, helps with empathy and decreases aggression, attributes to better sleep, self-esteem and mental strength.

In addition to stating what I’m grateful for, I also look around my backyard and savor the sounds, sights, and smells.

Journal

Writing is very therapeutic for me. I write down my prayers, thoughts, and friends who may be going through something hard or a family member or friend I want to make sure I connect with that day.

I do all of this in my Day Planner because it has plenty of space. I also want to get a plain leather journal like this to really write out everything floating around my mind.

Take this time to journal your thoughts or brain dump whatever is going on in your life. It doesn’t have to be more than a few sentences.

Plan the Day

After writing down thoughts and prayers, I go straight to my schedule and to-do list for the day. On Sundays, I plan the week so I know what activities we will be doing, when I will be working, what appointments we have and what I’m cooking for dinner each night.

During this time, take one to two minutes to write down your to-do list, figure out what is a priority, what you can delegate to others and what items can be saved for the next day. You can even set times to everything if this helps you stay on task. Use a paper or digital planner or to-do list such as Trello, Day Planner, etc.

Move Your Body

Lastly, I get my body moving. On the days I am unable to exercise, my whole family can feel it!

Find an exercise class you go to early in the morning, do an online workout video or yoga practice. Do what you like. YouTube is a GREAT place to find short exercise videos. You can even do 50 jumping jacks or jog around your backyard or block. The goal is to get your heart rate up.

According to SHAPE Magazine, exercising early has many benefits. Some of the benefits are:

Unhealthy food will seem less appealing
You will have more energy all day long
You will burn more fat and calories
Blood pressure will decrease
Muscle is gained more efficiently
It is easier to get good quality sleep

Make Over Your Mornings

Check out this course by Crystal Paine to really jump start your brand spanking new, morning routine!

Miracle Morning

Recently, I came across The Miracle Morning for Parents and Families by Hal Elrod and Mike and Lindsey McCarthy (the family version of Elrod’s Miracle Morning). This book implements a lot of what I was already doing. You follow a six-step routine using the acronym SAVERS which stands for Silence, Affirmations, Visualization, Exercise, Reading and Scribing.

Prepare the Night Before

A few other things you can do is to prepare the night before. Lay your clothes out, pack the diaper bag, bookbags or your own purse/bag, take a shower, and have everything you need ready to go!

Whether or not you pop out of bed doing squat jumps or slowly crawl out with your eyes still half-closed, if your morning spot is ready, motivation will be easily available.

Get Started Tomorrow!

The first day is always the hardest when starting something new. When you first implement a morning routine, begin with only a few habits or condense the habits into two-minute increments. Knock it out in ten minutes or less in the first week.

Eventually, get up earlier and earlier. As your body gets used to waking up, find a good time where you have one solid hour to work on self-improvement.

You can also give yourself a goal of one month and cut that in half.

Two weeks! Try having a productive morning for two weeks then add two more weeks. Once you get to a month, it becomes a habit that your brain will crave daily.

Do YOU have a Morning Routine?

Tell me, do you have a morning routine? Or if you start implementing these habits, is it changing your day? I sure hope so! Tell me about it below!

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

Hello!!! I’m Adriane. I’m a mom to three loud boys, am a research-a-holic and very passionate person who writes at Raising Kids With Purpose. Parenting can feel so hard sometimes but with mindset shifts and understanding, it can be very enjoyable. My hope is to inspire parents like you to create lifelong connections with your children and enjoy the journey along the way!

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

July 13, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 11 Comments

How to Take Care of MYSELF with Self Care so I Can Give More to My Family

Say it with me, “Taking care of MYSELF is not selfish.”

And one more time…

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF IS NOT SELFISH.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

If you would track every detail of your day, how much of it would actually be focused on only you? Whether you are a working or stay at home mom, there are people and things needing our attention and time all. day. long.

The wonderful news is that God wired our brains to be able to multitask. Scientists have used MRI imaging to discover that female brains are actually designed to carry out many tasks simultaneously. The not so good news is when we multitask all day long, often giving to everyone and thing other than ourselves, we grow tired, impatient, become less creative and we can get sad or anxious.

Simply said, we experience BURN OUT.

As moms, we need to be extra intentional so we don’t feel completely drained. We are not only moms to humans but are humans ourselves that also need to be taken care of. This is why self care is vital.

For You! By subscribing to the Raising Kids With Purpose newsletter, you will receive a free Taking Care of MYSELF eBook!

Balance Does Not Exist

It’s not healthy to only focus on ourselves. The opposite is true too. It’s not healthy to only focus on our kids and everyone else around us.

I have come to realize that balance isn’t even a real thing. At least not in the terms of everything being even. However, the attempt to try to have some kind of balance when it comes to raising kids with purpose is so important. I have found with the acronym below, I am more joyful, am able to feel accomplished and am a happier mom and wife when there is focus on both.

Mom and son playing in backyard with balls

Organizing Our Time As Moms

In Julie Morgenstern’s book, Time to Parent, she talks about giving ourselves a job description so we can have a better focus on how to manage the parenting a human/being a human balance. She came up with the acronym SELF which I have taken so much value from. After chatting with my best friend, we added two more letters making MYSELF – Motivate yourself, Yield to negativity, Sleep, Exercise, Love and relationships, and FUN!

If I focus a little more on MYSELF, I will have more energy, clarity, perspective and patience to do this whole parenting thing. I will find more joy in the day to day and in turn, be more in tune to God’s plan for my life. I’ll be able to bring the same, if not more, happiness to everyone around me.

These are not in order of importance, the acronym is a reminder to focus on what we need to get to that place of calm and joy.

The Benefits of Self Care For Moms

Psychologists say focusing on ourselves:

Reboots our brains
Helps us unwind
Improves our concentration
Makes us more productive
Gives space to self-discovery
Allows time for introspective thinking
Helps with critical thinking and problem-solving skills
Strengthens our relationships

After looking at that list, do you still feel like taking care of yourself is selfish?

Motivate Yourself

This can mean so many different things to different people. Motivating yourself applies to everyone but especially for stay at home and home school moms. If we don’t need to go anywhere, then what is the motivation to do anything other than stay in our PJs and have the TV on all day?

Here Are Some Things to Motivate Yourself to Do Self Care:

Take a shower! | If you have really little ones, let them shower with you or put a seat right outside the shower. It’s amazing how much better I feel when I’m clean which results in a more productive day.
Change out of your exercise clothes or pajamas and put some makeup on | This one is a hard one for me. I love my workout clothes, but there’s a mind shift that happens when I throw on a pair of jeans or a comfy dress. I don’t wear a ton of makeup but at a minimum will put foundation and mascara on (I’m kind of obsessed with this mascara because it doesn’t run). The five to ten minutes it takes is worth every second for how much better I feel.
Leave the house | Get outside for some fresh air or go surround yourself around others if you’re an extrovert like me and need social interaction.
Take some time to be mindful | Mindfulness is one of those keywords that seem to be popping up everywhere. There is a reason for it. It’s a way to learn how to pay attention to what’s happening in your life. Introspectively check in with your heart, mind, and soul. Take some time to do some quiet time or read a short devotional.
Get Organized | This can go with being mindful and setting intentions, but getting organized and staying organized can really bring down your stress levels. Finding a daily schedule that works for you is a great place to start.
Connect with others in your same life stage | This is a great tip for all moms from working to not. Make friendships with other women with similar age children as you and similar working situation. These friends will be able to empathize with what you are going through. They will also be able to bring you hope and celebrate the wins.
Drink water | Just a little bonus one I thought I’d throw in here. Your body will thank you later.

list of six motivators for self care for moms

Yield to Negativity

Yielding to negativity including negative thoughts reminds us to focus on the positive. The actual definition of “yield” is, “give way to arguments, demands, or pressure.” How fitting is that when it comes to motherhood?

When you yield to negativity, you can be authentic. Find your true self and love her hard.

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
― Brene Brown,The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

After that shower you just took *wink wink*, look at yourself in the mirror. This is a huge part of self care people don’t think about.

Some people like to put clothes on first. But whatever floats your boat! Be comfortable in the skin you’re in! Whichever you choose, stare at the person you were designed to be. Think about your strengths and all the positives you possess so you can choose joy for the day. Weed out those negative thoughts.

woman looking in mirror part of self care

Did you know positive thinking can actually change the chemicals in your brain?

When you have a thought, chemicals are released. Happy thoughts produce serotonin and dopamine which makes people feel happy, calm and pleased. Whereas negative thoughts produce cortisol, the stress hormone, so I’m sure you know how those affect the brain (source).

If we don’t “yield to the negative,” energy is taken away from the prefrontal cortex resulting in lower brain performance. Negative thoughts also decrease activity in the cerebellum, which is in charge of voluntary movements, working relationships, and motor learning.

Getting rid of negativity, I am a much calmer and happier mom, wife and friend.

Sleep

We know that if we don’t sleep, we are tired. Duh! Like on those shirts you see people wearing, “Tired as a Mother.” The less sleep we get, the more time it takes to get things done. And who has more time in the day? Not I said the ~~fly~~ busy mama.

Research of the cognitive neuroscience of sleep has found that each of the sleep states is linked to important learning and memory processes and creativity. While we sleep, we practice what we learned for that day [source]. We jam so much into our brains all day. There’s not a whole lot to show for it if we don’t get enough red eye.

According to Healthfinder.gov sleep keeps us healthy. We should focus on the quality of sleep we get in addition to the amount of time on a consistent schedule. That is something I need to work on. I’m infamous for getting six hours of sleep for 3-4 nights then 9-10 hours when my body decides it can’t take it anymore!

In this post, I unpack all the different sleep types called chronotypes: Transform Your Morning Routine

The benefits of sleep:

Sleep keeps you healthy and helps keep away sickness.
It helps you stay at a healthy weight.
Your risk for serious long term health problems is reduced.
The amount of stress you endure can be lessened and sleep can make you more JOYFUL!
Your creativity can flourish when your brain gets enough rest to recharge.
It can aid in social settings helping you have more patience and in turn, get along better with people (and your kids).
Sleep can help you make good decisions and not be as impulsive.

Exercise

My body and my brain love to move. In fact, when they don’t, I’m not very fun to be around. I’m sad, don’t have patience, start to have self-harming thoughts and climb into my little turtle shell. It’s really bad. Not everyone is like this, but we know that moving our bodies benefits everyone.

Incorporating physical activity into your day is similar to the benefits of sleep as it’s good for your health in a multitude of ways, helps you get that vital quality sleep, is a happifier (totally my fictitious word, but I know you get me!) and a de-stressor.

The benefits of Exercise and How Beneficial It Is To Our Brains

Exercise is also incredibly beneficial for our brains! It has positive effects on brain function from the molecular to behavioral level. This is what exercise does to the incredible organ in our noggin:

Exercise facilitates information processing and memory functions. There is also an increased amount of cell growth in the hippocampus which is the part of the brain that is responsible for learning and remembering things. Learn more in the study published in the US National Library of Medicine.
When we exercise, our heart rate increases resulting in more oxygen being pumped to the brain.
Exercise helps the body release hormones which provide a nourishing environment for brain cell growth.
A study from UCLA shows that physical activity stimulates brain plasticity (the ability of the brain to change its connections or re-wire itself) by triggering the growth of new connections between cells in important parts of the brain. Exercise makes it easier for the brain to grow new neural pathways.
We get a jolt of happy energy. The reason is that when we work out hard, our stress hormones actually drop. Scientists have found that while people experience exercise euphoria, their brains are exposed to excessive amounts of drug-like opioids (found in this article on Very Well Mind).

Exercise Motivators

It’s hard to get motivated to exercise mainly because of the time it takes. Here are some quick and easy things to do that will hopefully help you gain all the benefits of moving our bodies above:

Schedule it | Write it down on a planner or put it on your phone calendar. Do your best to work it into your schedule.
Make realistic goals | Goals are great but keep them realistic. Start out easy then work up to bigger goals.
Track your workouts | There are so many apps out on the market that make it incredibly easy to track your exercise.
Find a tribe | Find others you can work out with or who will keep you accountable. It’s harder not to show up when someone else is counting on you.
Reward yourself | What about a spa day, a yummy protein drink or a special day out with a girlfriend? If extrinsic motivators work for you, then go for it!
Do something FUN! | As much as I know weightlifting is beneficial to our bodies, I just can’t do it because I don’t find it fun. I might do a little here and there, but I rather go to a crazy group fitness class or find workouts to do on huge boulders in the mountains. Find what you enjoy doing!

Love (and relationships)

As humans, we need to love and be loved. Putting effort into our relationships with our spouses and our friends takes work that is more than worth it. To build strong relationships we need to develop empathy, positivity for each other and build a strong emotional connection.

According to Harvard Medical School, “Good connections can help improve health and longevity.”

The Benefits of Relationships

These are the benefits of having healthy relationships and focusing on having a little more love in your life. This is still a form of self-care even though it involves others.

Having close friendships and a good marriage make you feel supported.
Healthy relationships give us pleasure.
Research has shown that people who have gratifying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems and live longer!
On the contrary, when we don’t invest in relationships, we tend to become more depressed and experience a faster cognitive decline.
Loving relationships relieve stress which we should know by now that increases our overall health.
The benefits affect both parties – the receiver and the giver and vice versa.
Cultivating healthy relationships ultimately brings us joy.

*and find a friend who will pretend to be doing self-care with you in the kitchen (how gorgeous is her kitchen?!) holding a coffee mug even though she doesn’t drink coffee and apparently doesn’t know how to hold say coffee mug, either.

Fun

We can’t forget to bring on the fun. It has all the same benefits as above. Find what you are passionate about and gifted in doing. It can be an organized activity or literally just dancing around in your kitchen!

Participate in a monthly painting class, go on a hike (another favorite of mine!), draw, dance, include your kids with a super fun activity like whipping each other with balls (note: it was fun, but really hurt so do with caution), or do anything that makes you belly laugh and enjoy life.

The Benefits of Having Fun

Of course, there are benefits to having fun! Most all hit on the same exact things as everything listed above. These are found on Heel That Pain:

Your stress gets lessened! | Man, after doing all these things, your stress levels should be packing up and heading off to Hawaii! Ha!
Serotonin levels are increased | This chemical is the one that regulates basic processes – mood, sleep, memory, and body temperature.
The ability to cope better | BINGO! Exactly what we’re trying to accomplish by focusing on “MYSELF”. Having fun can help you tap into your calm zone.
More energy | Spending time doing activities you enjoy helps you feel less tired and more mentally awake.
Improves Memory and Concentration | Having fun reduces cortisol and increases serotonin helps with the memory and clears your mind.
Creates stronger connections | I can tell you that posing for a picture using a remote and tripod brought so much joy and laughter connecting me to my dear friend even more than we already were. Our brains got in sync with each other bringing us both so much joy. We need social connection and that bond is stronger when there are laughter and fun involved.
More quality sleep | Because your stress levels are decreased, your body can sleep better.
Creates more positive patterns in your day to day | Once you get in the habit of having fun, it becomes a continuous cycle of joy.

Now if that isn’t self care, I don’t know what is!

Free Mini eBook

Because I’m so passionate about helping other mamas making sure they’re getting the self AND soul care they need, I created a little book. Fill out the form below to have it sent to your email!

How are you focusing on “MYSELF”?

I really hope this acronym and post helps you find more joy in your everyday life.

If things start to feel out of wack or you feel down, think about what is missing from your “MYSELF” and give that area a little TLC. I’d love to hear what you do to help keep the balance of being a human and raising humans.

Comment below!

Originally published Dec 1, 2018, and updated July 13, 2019

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

July 11, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 30 Comments

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Misbehavior & Sibling Fighting

Do you experience this in your home?

One kiddo is gone, and there are butterflies fluttering around, birds chirping and sounds of peace.

Okay, maybe not the butterflies and birds, but there seems to be a sense of calm in the home and no unwanted behavior or sibling fighting.

For us, it’s when one of our older boys is missing. As soon as everyone is back together, chaos ensues.

Or what about this?

You are on the phone and as soon as you start talking or texting, your child starts yelling for your attention or making poor choices so you are forced to put the phone down.

The tension rises.

Patience starts to run thin.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

mom and son reading a book quality time pin

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

Experiences shape brain structures and make connections as the child learns and grows.

Every time I’m having a positive interaction with my kids, I envision the neural pathways firing and connecting. This is why the way we interact and care for our child, especially in those first six years, is utterly important.

Humans are born with a primary emotional need for significance and belonging.

Attachment theory explains that there’s an emotional connection between a parent and child that aids in that child’s development into adulthood.

Psychologist World states, “Specifically, it [attachment theory] makes the claim that the ability for an individual to form an emotional and physical “attachment” to another person gives a sense of stability and security necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a personality.”

Simply put, our children desire connection and are wired to want to be connected to you, their parents. When they have to share the attention with another sibling, rivalry or resentment can usually form. Or if you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it.

Spending uninterrupted one-on-one quality time reduces tension and unwanted behaviors.

“If you are giving your attention to someone or something else while their attention bucket is empty, they demand it any way they know how to get it.” ~Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose

mom and son making a paper ninja star spending quality time together

The Benefits of Spending One-On-One Time With Kids

With the busyness of life, although you see your kids often (some more than others), you may not spend the time that fosters deep connection.

It is proven that spending quality time with each of your children has many benefits. Your kids:

Gain confidence.
Feel secure.
Gain a strong sense of belonging and significance.
Become calmer and not feel the need to misbehave to get negative attention. WIN!!!!
Change their negative behaviors and make better choices.
Fight less with siblings. Sign me up for this one!
Become more cooperative.
Openly communicate with you.
Build a strong bond and really connect with you. This time also helps you see your kids in a different light, have more empathy and enjoy who they are.

brother spending quality time together laughing

When you spend uninterrupted time with your child, he or she feels special and gets his or her attachment and attention bucket filled. When this happens, misbehavior, poor choices and sibling fighting reduce tremendously. There is no need to act out to get your negative attention because they are getting an excessive amount of the good stuff.

Read Next: 30 Fun Strategy and Board Games for Families

How to Incorporate More Quality Time With Your Kids

Quality time is very important and can make parents’ lives easier because of all the reasons listed above.

You may be thinking, “How in the world can I squeeze in even more time when I don’t have enough time as it is?” In reality, by spending quality time with each of your children, it SAVES you time because you will spend less time on annoying power-seeking behaviors. Also, your kids will become more cooperative the FIRST time you ask.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

The key is consistency.

Name Your Special Time

Before coming up with a schedule or time to squeeze in quality time, name it. This would make for a great Family Meeting Agenda topic so your kids can be involved.

Here are name ideas:

FOCUS Time – This is what my kids came up with. Because I love acronyms, it stands for: Focus On Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together.
Special Time – This seems to be the most common name as it appears on many parenting websites.
Mind Body Soul Time – This comes from Positive Parenting Solutions.
Hang Out
Together Time
One-on-One Time
{The child’s name} Time This comes from Aha Parenting.
QT – Because this is what it is right?!
Oodly Noodly Silly Time, Ninja Alliance, Prickly Pear Pow Wow – These came from my brain. Ha! I don’t know! Come up with something fun that makes you or your child giggle. Let your kids come up with something off the wall to make it even more special.

Read Next: 8 Tips For Having a Family Meeting

mom and son hugging on hammock spending quality time together

Carve Out the Time

Dr. Jane Nelson of Positive Discipline breaks down how much time kids need at each stage.

Toddlers under the age of two or three already require a lot of your time and won’t comprehend or benefit from this dedicated time with you or your spouse.

As they get older between the ages of two and six, about ten minutes every day is needed to build a deep connection. And kids, ages six to twelve, may not need this special quality time every day, but at least thirty minutes a week. Lastly, teenagers may not seem interested in spending one-on-one time with you, but trying to do something once a week or even once a month can help keep communication open and your relationship strong.

Once you know roughly how much time your kids need, try to schedule it either daily or weekly.

This is where we struggle especially during times where our daily schedule is inconsistent. By having time on a calendar, it’s easier to stay committed. Oh, and you know your kids will not forget.

Establish Rules and Guidelines

It is very important that you establish what this time is and isn’t with your child. Expectations prevent disappointments.

Discuss rules and guidelines with your child to get his or her input on what this time will look like. In “Me, Me, Me Epidemic” by Amy McCready, she lists the following basic guidelines after teaching parents all over the globe this concept of quality one-on-one time which she calls, Mind-Body-Soul Time or MBST.

Have a no-screen rule. Screens include TV shows, YouTube videos, phones, computers, tablets, etc.
Be Creative. This time can be when you’re in the car, on a walk or run, or when your kids first wake up.
Make sure the activity can be completed or reach a good stopping point within the time frame you set. When the time is up, it’s up. If you extend it, a feeling of entitlement can start setting in.
Don’t spend too much time coming up with an activity to do. If your child has a hard time deciding what to do then create or use the list I provide for you at the end of this post to pick an activity quickly.
Label the time together so they realize the time is special. McCready mentions reminding your child his or her attention and power bucket is full. You can say something like, “I enjoyed our FOCUS time together. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.”
Set a timer. If your child has a tough time with the transition, have something already planned for him or her afterward like go outside or eat a snack. Food is always a good idea, right?!

Ways to Make Quality Time More Special

Your child will already feel special by getting your sole attention, but there are ways to make a lifelong impact.

Below are tips to take this time you spend with your child more memorable. They are adapted from the “Joy Fixes for Weary Parents” by Erin Leyba.

Have Your Child Do Something

When you are spending quality time together, give your child responsibility. You can also turn normal daily routines and errands into a special time by making your child feel useful. Kids will also want to be more cooperative and feel important when you put them in charge of a task.

For example, let your child use one of the huge vacuums at the car wash to help clean the car. My kids love cleaning the car then ending the time with a little sword fight. Shhhh, don’t tell the car wash owners.

Another example is to let your child pick out all the fruits and veggies and let them weight it at the grocery store.

mom and son dancing in kitchen spending quality time together

Let Your Child To Pick The Activity

This is part of our guidelines. As I mentioned above, they may not know what they want to do. Giving options works well as long as your child has the final say. Have your child use the free printable I created for you:

When kids pick the activity, they become more invested. And ever since reading, “Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, I realized that our kids need to have a sense of control (with direction from us, of course). When we hand over the control by giving our kids choices, they slowly build up a stress tolerance that will affect their lives forever.

Make Sure You Enjoy Each Other and Have Fun!

Let loose during this time. In our family, that usually involves dancing or singing terribly. The more terrible with made-up words, the better.

Find special ways that sprinkle a little extra fun. Connect by locking eyes making sure your child knows you really enjoy him or her.

Preview The Activity

If you are heading out of the house, talk about what you are going to see. Then, when you are at the location, seeing those will be more meaningful. It may also bring out the inquisitive side of your child. Since they know it’s coming, they will be more apt to ask questions.

Take Pictures or Video

Pull out your phone, camera or video camera to capture the time together. Limit how many photos you take, though. Possibly only pull out the phone once. I’m guilty of being more concerned about taking the pictures than enjoying my kids. Because of this, they started hating pictures.

Now that they are getting older, they do appreciate seeing memories from when they were little so as long as I can keep myself in check, they will let me snap a picture or two.

Also, hand the camera over to your child so the moment is captured through his or her eyes!

Finally, once you have a bunch of photos, make a scrapbook, photobook or journal together.

It’s important to have quality time WITHOUT capturing it. Just because you don’t have a photo of it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Incorporate Play

Use pretend play to tap into your child’s imagination. Play is the foundation of creativity.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive and emotional strength. Play is important to healthy brain development.”

Play allows kids to experience a sense of belonging in this world.

If you can’t stand making a horse go round and round and round a stable or pretend to be a little girl lost in the woods who is calling for her horse to come to save her, use play in a way that is more natural to you. If you go to a zoo, pretend to be the animal you see or if you’re staying home, play store or use a felt board to create a little scene.

Incorporate your interests into play with your child.

Review The Quality Time

Recall specific memories of one-on-one time you have spent together. Talking about these memories will allow your child to bring them up as well.

For example, we use this felt board a lot and one of my sons loves to reference the one story we made up. He mentions the characters we created and the funny things they did.

Brains are shaped by experience. The more we remind ourselves of specific memories and experiences, it moves into long term memory. And the more positive experiences kids store in their long term memory, the more impact it will have on how they interact and react with their own families when they are older.

When You Really Don’t Have Time

You may be in a season right now where it is impossible to be consistent with individual quality time with each of your kids. If you have more than one or two children, the time commitment to do this may not be in the cards.

I know a mama right now who has a full-time job and is in school full time and has three kids, under the age of six!

The thought of needing to spend daily uninterrupted time with each of her children would probably stress her out. If you are like my friend, throw the mom guilt away. You are the perfect parent for each of your children!

Here are a few things that can help:

First, this may only be a season. Your kids will get older and it will become easier to squeeze in some one-on-one time. Also, there will come a time when it’s not as busy. In my friend’s case, she doesn’t have a lot of variables she can move around, but you might. See if there are things in your schedule that don’t need to take priority. Instead, put your kids into that 10-15 minute time slot.

Secondly, find your tribe. This isn’t only for your business or friendship circles but also for your kids. Do they have someone special in their life that can take this time to focus solely on your child a few minutes a day? What about a caretaker, grandparent, family friend, aunt or uncle? If so, spending time with another adult who loves your child will still help keep his or her attention bucket filled.

dad and son building a 3D Printer for quality time together

Another idea may be to come up with something super short that only that specific child does such as a special handshake. Every time you do have a second, lock eyes with him or her and do your special thing.

Lastly, explain to your kids how important they are to you and that’s why you’re in this season of life – working hard, going to school, taking classes, or whatever else you are doing to improve your family life. Share the love and joy you have with your kids in any way you can. Being open and honest will help them understand a little more or at least be able to reflect back what you were sacrificing.

Quality Time Activities

Now, the question is, “What activities do we do for Quality Time?” I’m so happy you asked!

I’ve created a printable with over 60 activities you can do with your kids.

Fill out the form below to snag it.

The activities are sorted by things to do in the house and out of the house. Some may require more than 10-20 minutes but can be incorporated into your daily tasks and routines.

mom and son at aquarium with books spending quality time together

How Do You Spend One-On-One With Your Kids?

How do you spend quality time with your kids? I would love to know so I can add it to the list!

Can you tell when their attention buckets are empty?

Please let me know if any of these strategies or tips help you build a stronger connection with each of your children by commenting below.

Haaaaave fun!

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

May 8, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 28 Comments

This Is What Happens When Kids Play With Toy Guns

A few months ago, I asked a friend this question.

Should we be worried about our kids playing with toy guns?

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

She, too, is a momma of boys. I respect her opinion so I was intrigued as to how she and her husband handle this topic in their home.

She agreed it was a toughie.

We both have explained the difference between fake and real guns to our kids. There are rules and boundaries on how to play. We often have to remind them of these rules over and over and over again. Repeating expectations helps kids know we care about them, love them and it provides security. This is also how they learn!

Besides aggressive play, our boys don’t play or own any video game consoles. They play a few games on their tablets (during the 45 minutes they get per WEEK). None of these games, however, involve guns. Also, they don’t watch any violent movies or shows; in fact, they barely watch any television at all.

Knowing I love research, she suggested I did a little digging. Days after our conversation, I hadn’t had time to look anything up, yet this topic became even more apparent that it’s important.

What I learned after being verbally attacked over toy guns

*This was written the night this happened because I was emotionally rattled and needed to get it out. Someone told me that when I started to blog, God may start giving me “content”. Well, here’s some content for ya!

It was a Thursday. Park day.

A few friends from a local church like to get together after school one day a week to hang out and let the kids play. It was mostly boys between the ages of two and nine.

On this particular day, we were at a park that was new to us. A few of the other boys brought toy guns. Our kids’ toy guns stay at home but they happily shared their friends’. There were a few NERF guns, a lot of bullets and a few guns that didn’t shoot anything, but instead, made annoying sounds.

The boys were running around shooting each other.

Let me rephrase that.

They were yelling loudly running every which way, jumping off of anything they could, enjoying being rowdy outside after a long day at school. They were probably playing cops and robbers involving a few arrests. Not many NERF bullets were flying as they seemed to favor the noisy guns instead.

They were purely playing. Very intensely and loudly, but nonetheless, playing.

As I was over with the other moms under a ramada for a few moments, a woman came over asking whose son one of the boys was. She was upset that he was using inappropriate gun language towards her toddler.

I was the lucky winner of that boy.

Pulling him aside, I asked what happened. He claimed he didn’t say those words. Part of me felt guilty that I wasn’t by his side to know exactly what he said, but I also know how damaging helicopter parenting is.

It’s vital that our kids get freedom (within boundaries) even if they do make less than good choices. And when (it’s never IF because there is not a single perfect person) a bad choice is made, as cliche as it sounds, it’s a teaching opportunity. It’s not usually a character issue with this particular son but a chemical one especially since he’s Twice Exceptional.

The lady had already yelled at him leaving him armed and ready to defend. Because of this, I knew it was going to be hard to communicate with him at that time.

With him being differently wired and well, who he is, talking to him in the moment usually makes things worse, not better. If we can wait until his prefrontal cortex comes back online, he is far more open to discussing his poor choices. Then he can process that information to figure out how he can make better choices next time. That’s what we care more about than forcing him to say sorry on the spot without any change to his heart.

I used very little words. Instead of getting into it with him there, I asked him how he could make things right. I asked if he thought he should go apologize even though he denied her accusations.

As we were talking, I heard an older woman yelling at my other son and his friend. She was screaming at them to stop aiming their guns at her. Then she proceeded to reprimand one of the (very young) boys because he was rolling his eyes.

It all happened so fast.

Somehow, I was standing in between two playground structures with three adults on both sides throwing words and gestures at me like I was their target at shooting practice. No pun intended.

They said that our kids needed psychiatric help because they were using words like “sniper” and saying, “I’m going to shoot you,” to each other. The one woman said she was a school principal. She mentioned that if she saw that behavior on her playground, she would be getting that family help. She also said that this was a public park and how dare our kids to make it uncomfortable for others to play.

As I was trying to connect with my little boy to see if he was intentionally pointing the gun at the lady (which I was standing right there and he was not; it just happened to be in her direction), the man who was with her starting yelling at me saying I needed to actually parent and take the gun away from him. Then the insult that rocked me to my core was,

“You are a horrible parent.”

I can barely write that without tears rolling down my face onto the keyboard. I was trying to help my child the best way I knew how, but they wouldn’t even give me the room to breathe.

Their anger was suffocating me.

Somehow I remained calm. Thank you Jesus, and thank you for mindfulness! As I politely responded, they got louder and louder until the woman pulled out her phone to call the police.

The police never came.

I don’t write all of this in a way that puts us at no fault. They were offended and their feelings (for whatever reasons they had) about toy guns were validated.

However, the way they handled the situation was not helpful to anyone and made it nearly impossible for me to parent. Ironically, this is why they got so mad.

Once the irate families left, I returned to my friends who had no idea any of this was happening. Calmly, I told them, “Those people just called the cops on us.” Jaws dropped and I was met with confused stares. They were so sweet making sure I was okay.

Shortly after, I gathered my crew and we drove home while most of us cried. It felt awful yet there were incredible learning opportunities that came from the situation. We were able to discuss:

How to read people
Ways to properly handle conflict
How many people have very strong opinions about different topics
How our words really do matter
What we should do when an adult is irate, etc.

Because I was able to do this AFTER the fact and when they were in a teachable state, they still talk and reference back to what happened and are equipped to make a better choice.

What Are My Personal Thoughts On Toy Guns?

Good question.

My brother was killed with a real gun at the age of 19 and didn’t survive.

I hate guns. I hate violence.

Mean people make me really really sad. And evil hurts my head, body and more than anything, my heart. I feel like even more than the average person; it’s like I can actually feel the excruciating aches and cries of those wounded. My heart and prayers go out to anyone affected by real guns or any kind of weaponed used for harm.

But what about toy guns? Is it the same thing?

I know my kids don’t think they are real and play is important. As a friend of mine says, “Boys also come out of the womb as caveman ready for war.” Our two-year-old turns paper, pencils, pretty much anything and pretends to shoot it, but by being okay with it, does that mean we normalizing real guns? And is that okay?

mom and son shooting tower of foam cylinders with NERF guns

I have a lot of questions! Whenever researching a topic like this, I really wanted to look at both sides. There is evidence that is in support and is also against the use of toy guns for kids. With anything in parenting or life, we have the ultimate decision to do what we think is best for our kids.

What the research says:

Before we get into the play side of toy guns, it’s imperative we teach our kids other topics surrounding guns and violence. If we forbid our kids of something without them fully understanding why they will want it even more.

Educate Educate Educate

We need to talk to our kids about both gun safety and gun violence as they will be exposed to it whether it is on the news, internet, tv, school or friends. With any “hard topic,” it’s always best that they hear from us first.

We have to remember this is an ongoing conversation over the years as they grow and develop a greater understanding of the world around them. Kids are wired to want to learn from their parents.

The More Important Issue

Talking to our kids about issues surrounding guns is more important than allowing them to play with a squirt gun, NERF gun or plastic noise-maker.

Here are ways and topics to discuss with your kids. We want to keep their developmental age in mind and do it in a way that doesn’t create debilitating anxiety.

There is endemic violence that is occurring in our country and around the world. | It’s important that our kids hear about these tragedies from us and not the news or the internet. We can discuss it in an age-appropriate way and reiterate that it’s our responsibility as parents to keep them safe.
There are healthy ways to diffuse anger. | This goes for how to control our own anger as to how to respond to those who are angry like I tried my hardest to display to my kids in the story above.
How to handle conflict. | We don’t come out of the womb knowing how to handle conflict. This must be taught!
Why there are safety protocols and police officers on the streets and may even be in your child’s school. | Have open discussions about the drills they do and that servicemen and women’s responsibilities are to keep them safe.
What to do if they see a gun. | See below.

As I’m typing this, I want to make sure I’m not minimizing what continues to happen in our country and worldwide with gun violence. We do need to process it, pray for the families, show sincere support; not just see it on the news then forget about it.

Dr. F. Ski Chilton explains, ” …if a threat is constantly reinforced by repetitive exposure, nature has put in genetic (actually epigenetic) mechanisms that assure that this fear is learned and intensified, and our response to it only grows stronger.”

Teach Your Kids About Gun Safety

In addition to gun violence, we also need to make our kids very aware that guns are weapons. Here are the basics of gun safety according to NRA Family.

Teach your child that if they see a gun, “Stop. Don’t Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an adult.” This mantra is from NRA’s Eddie Eagle. Even if they think the gun is fake, make sure they know to get an adult immediately.
If they ever are handling a gun with an adult’s supervision, treat all guns as if they are loaded. Tell them to always keep their finger off the trigger unless they are ready to shoot. Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction. And always keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.
Make sure they know guns including BB guns are not to play with like a toy because toys don’t hurt; real guns do.
Stress how different guns have different power.
Start with target practice in a safe environment shooting something like cans.

The Debate About Toy (NOT REAL) Guns

Educating and keeping an open conversation with our kids about the real thing is utterly important.

Allowing our kids to play and use their imaginations are vital to healthy development.

More than ever, our kids are getting less and less unstructured play. Despite the research that supports play linking to social and cognitive development, too much structure, pressure for our kids to perform and technology is providing a barricade.

Why Kids Should NOT Play With Toy Guns

To be honest, it was a lot harder to find information in support of keeping toy guns out of kids’ hands. I intentionally went out seeking why kids should not play with toy guns and most of the content led back to why it’s beneficial.

However, I did find one very small study done in 1992. The conclusion was that playing with toy guns made kids (mostly boys) more aggressive. However, the biggest factor wasn’t about the to guns but rather, how they were parented at home. Corporal punishment and harsh talk played a bigger role than just the toy guns themselves.

Other than that study, a lot of people had personal opinions about not prohibiting toy gun play. Mostly, it was stemmed from the heightened fear of real gun usage or the opinion that toy gun play leads to aggressive adults.

The Benefits of Toy Gun and Aggressive Play

From pouring over all the evidence, it seems that there are a lot of benefits. I read a lot of studies and articles regarding the subject. In particular, this article by Jay Mechling was written well and full of juicy research if you want to dig deeper.

Why we should allow our kids to play with toy guns:

Playing with toy guns is not about violence, instead, it symbolizes power, leadership, authority, strength, and control. | Kids are able to decipher between these skills in the safety of play {source}
If you try banning this type of play for a kid who is drawn to pretend shooting things, it will give the toy gun and aggressive play more power. | They may hide it or feel shame for having the desire.
When kids are forbidden from taking part of aggressive play with or without weapons, they are being limited in the opportunities they can have for cognitive, social and emotional, physical, and verbal development. | Kids especially boys have been playing this way for hundreds of years. {source}
When a child is playing with a toy gun, it’s not real violence. | This is many adults’ perception like the people in my story. Michael Thompson of “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys states, “I understand why parents get upset by these games, but it is play, and play does not lead to lethal aggression. Play … is consensual. Aggression is hurtful and produces injury in the person. Play doesn’t produce any of that.”
Yelling at a child for engaging in typical pretend play can cause shame which then cuts off communication.
Toy guns can help kids self-regulate out in the real world. | Researchers postulate that when kids incorporate violence into their pretend play, they may learn how to control real violent impulses and regulate their emotions.
Lastly, compared to other forms of healthy aggressive play, playing with toy guns is considerably more “hands off.”

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Kid Calm Down

9 Tips for Allowing Your Kids To Play With Guns

9 tips for allowing kids to play with toy guns infographic with boys playing at the park with NERF guns

The intent should never be to hurt. | Letting kids go buck wild with a toy gun or aggressive play is never okay. Once it’s clear that the kid has crossed the threshold from play to real aggression, it must be stopped (through positive communication, of course!)
Encourage your kids to switch roles from being the bad guy to the good guy. | Or I would prefer always the good guy because my fantasy world doesn’t involve bad guys. Ha!
Be careful with criticizing the words they are using during this type of play. | Thompson says, “Boys think, ‘If you don’t like my play, you don’t like me.'” Allow them to be imaginative.
Stand up for your kids. | Respectfully stand up to other adults who are scrutinizing how your kids are playing. Reference all the benefits above if they give you time to speak.
Monitor what kind of guns they play with. | Maybe stay away from ones that replicate real ones, toy guns that can still hurt like a paintball gun and others that may cause injury.
Constantly remind kids to never aim a toy gun at someone’s face even if it doesn’t shoot anything. | This is something we feel is very important to teach our boys.
Make sure your child knows how to point out a toy gun from a real gun. | Teach him or her the mantra listed above if they do come across the real thing.
Keep the amount to a minimum. | If they start becoming obsessed or build up a huge arsenal, maybe limit it to a certain amount. A great tip from my friend mentioned at the beginning of the post is that her son has to donate his NERF gun in order to get a new one.
Consider where they are allowed to play with the toy guns. | Obviously, some people have very strong opinions about the subject so maybe keep them at home or only with other kids whose parents see the benefit.

An Apology

If somehow the people that were at the park stumble upon this post, I would like to apologize.

We did not in any way want you to feel like you couldn’t be at the park with the little girls you were with. My boys had a lot of remorse in making you feel that way and learned really great lessons.

They were only playing which I know you don’t agree is appropriate. As I found through hours of research, it can be healthy and beneficial to their development.

They didn’t mean any harm.

My son who said those words had a REALLY tough day that day at school and was already feeling defeated. He also thinks and acts differently than a neurotypical kid, but is also one of the most empathic, sweetest, most intelligent and caring boys I know. And more importantly, he understood that his words make an impact but sometimes can’t realize it until after. This is not his choice; it’s where he is, developmentally.

I don’t want to negate my apology because it is of utmost sincerity. But for my own healing, I want to also forgive you for saying some very hurtful things to me, a mom who has made it her life’s goal to raise psychologically healthy, joyful, kind and respectful humans with the help of the best research out there and even more importantly, God.

I know I don’t always get it right and with the help of you pointing that out, I can try harder and give myself the grace to keep fighting the good fight.

What Are Your Thoughts?

From all the research I feel a little bit of a relief that there is good to be found in this type of play. My gut definitely still struggles with it.

I would love to know! What are your thoughts on allowing kids to play with toy guns? Leave a reply below.

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

April 10, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 12 Comments

Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What We Can Do Instead

We were at the pediatrician for our baby boy’s well check. Because we were first-time parents, my husband came to every appointment.

With each visit, we had a ton of questions. We wanted to make sure our little guy was hitting the appropriate developmental milestones.

The doctor walked in. Before she could slide across the floor on her rolly stool, she started going through her checklist.

He’s (finally) at a great weight and almost off the charts for height. Phew. Is he sleeping at least 11 hours at night? Does 13 count? Does he have a well-balanced diet? Check. He should start toilet training within the year. Sticker charts work great for this. Got it. Is he active? Oooooh yes! Does he understand commands? Yeppers.

We were feeling pretty thankful for our healthy little guy.

I can’t remember everything she said. I only recall her ending our little talk with how we should be praising him at least 20 times a day. My husband and I looked at each other beaming with pride. We praised him at least triple that number PER day and the charts were already purchased.

He was going to be the most successful kid on the planet.

Or so we thought.

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Fast forward six years later, my husband was getting LASIK surgery. To pass the time, I was pushing our littlest guy in the stroller around the medical complex. My wireless headphones were cranking with a podcast where Jessica Lahey of The Gift of Failure was being interviewed.

The host and Jessica started talking about how praise can deter kids from accomplishments. They started talking about extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. Names like Dan Pink, Alfie Kohn and Dr. Carol Dweck were mentioned. Immediately, I made note of these books I now needed to read.

It was like I got hit by a hurricane.

Did They Just Say Praise Was Bad?

Back. Up. The. Train.

I was in complete shock.

There was a cacophony of thoughts running through my mind…

I’m not supposed to praise my kid?

…but the doctor said…

How else are they going to be confident?

…but my kids need to know when they’re doing well. …Don’t they?

NOOOOOO…NOT THE STICKER CHARTS!

I MADE THEM LOOK SO PRETTY. They work so well! …Or I guess when we first started they did and as long as we kept changing them up.

But, but, but….

When I thought about how a child doesn’t need to be told a good job because when they do a good job it is self-evident, the puzzle was beginning to come together. Instead, a child needs to be told why what he did was a good job so he can continue to duplicate that behavior.

Their valid points made me thirsty for the results of all the research done on praise. And more importantly, how could we make the shift from turning our praise into everlasting encouragement?

I do have to say this shift has been incredibly difficult for me and especially my husband. We just can’t help but “good job” our kids to death.

Thankfully they’re still alive.

What has been put to death, however, are our sticker charts.

The Difference Between Praise and Encouragement:

To start, we need to establish that praise and encouragement are not necessarily the same thing.

Vicki Hoefle’s article on pbs.org provides a very thought-provoking definition of encouragement,

“It is an observation, an acknowledgment, a statement which focuses on effort, improvement of choice, and it helps to promote self-esteem and a sense of well-being, confidence, insight, and resilience.”

Whereas praise may leave us with nowhere to go when there is a similar situation resulting in a negative outcome.

Praise is typically a blank statement of opinion. According to the dictionary, the definition is, “The expression of approval or admiration for someone or something.” The word that should jump off the screen here is approval.

Do you see the difference? Do you see how praise could (oftentimes unintentionally) be detrimental to a child’s confidence? It can cause our kids to be dependent on our approval.

Not All Praise Is Bad

I have good news! We should still use positive communication with our kids but be intentional with the words we use.

In The Strength Switch by Dr. Lea Waters, she references a longitudinal study (this is research done over several years) conducted with late elementary to high school age kids on the effects of positive communication.

Astoundingly, they found that low levels or the absence of positive communication had a greater risk of brain alterations. This led to kids being more susceptible to depression. The parents didn’t negatively talk to their kids, they simply didn’t use enough positive words or ideas when communicating with them.

Whereas, the kids who received high levels of positive communication had brain alterations that were associated with the enhancement of capacity for learning, decision making, social skills, and emotional functioning. The types of positive communication that were used followed patterns that were approving, validating, affectionate, humorous, pleasant and caring.

Doesn’t that make you want to do the latter?

Our words truly are POWERFUL! And something Dr. Waters says a few times in the book that has really stuck with me is, “Where attention goes, energy flows.”

Types of Praise

This was news to me. I thought praise was praise but actually, there are different types. You have probably guessed it that some can be helpful and in more of the, ‘I’m here to encourage you’ camp, than the more damaging, ‘you need my approval’ camp.

Alfie Kohn says, “Clearly, it is worth reconsidering the use of praise if it turns out to be something we need to say more [for our own benefit] than something they need to hear.”

Preach it, Alfie!

The goals of praise are related to performance, enjoyment, promoting appropriate behavior and motivation.

Generic Praise

These are generic positive statements like we mentioned above. This is what we’ve had no trouble at all doing in our house.

It includes “good job”, “way to go”, “awesome”, “great work”, etc.

The problem with this type of praise is that it’s not attached to what the child did that was good or beneficial so it’s harder for him or her to do the same thing with the same kind of success. It focuses on the outcome instead of the process.

The reason we use this type of praise is to reinforce good behavior. However, the research shows the reverse is true. We can be sending discouraging messages because they take away from the effort our kids are putting in. Rewarding expected behaviors comes off as judgment.

In “Unconditional Parenting“, Alfie Kohn uses the example of saying “good job” to a child who is swinging by making the point that, “It’s gravity, for goodness sake!”

Oh, I can’t even begin to tell you what we have praised our kids for doing. I’m pretty sure there was a good job for wiping their butts somewhere along the way.

Person Praise

When the praise is directed at what the kid’s innate qualities are, this is called character or person praise. Examples include calling your child smart, responsible, helpful or generous.

In Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on mindset, she has found that person praise can lead to a fixed mindset in regards to achievement.

In Carol Dweck’s findings:

If children don’t hold up to the standard of what they’ve been called – smart, intelligent, etc., then they can’t see it objectively as to what they can improve upon. And instead, think the opposite is now true.
Person praise typically leaves a person to not try as hard. He or she tends to stay away from challenges to maintain that label.
It is a short term feel-good tactic when they are succeeding, but it affects their resilience in a negative way when they face setbacks later in life.

In studies of person praise at home, she has found that with praise specific to morals, kids do have the growth mindset that we want to encourage.

Just the other day, I pointed out to my son that he was being responsible. He packed for camping without me asking. Then during the trip, he pridefully got his pajamas ready for bed repeated what I had told him earlier, “Look, mom! I’m being responsible again.” By pointing out what his actions are displaying, this encouraged him to continue with those behaviors.

Process Praise

This type of praise focuses on the actions of the child. It praises the child for his or her effort, improvement, technique or strategy. It’s praising the behaviors we want to see again.

For achievement, this is the type of praise needed to cultivate a growth mindset. It makes our kids feel good about their choices, help them see what it takes to be successful so they can do it again, and it can develop optimism and resilience for future outcomes.

Kids can become competent by realizing what happens when they do something positive instead of being told about what happens.

The one thing we have to be cautious about this type of praise is with our perfectionist son. Because of his mentality, process praise can sometimes demotivate him like other kids whose core beliefs are this way.

>>Read more: How to teach your child a new skill

How to Use Praise That Encourages Kids

Lastly, praise that is a bit of a hybrid that Dr. Lea Waters developed is what she calls strength-based praise. Because it’s combining both person and process praise, it transforms your words into encouragement.

To do this, you praise both character strengths (person praise) and how the strengths were used (process praise). It can look like this:

“You were very responsible (PERSON) for packing your clothes by doing it all yourself without being asked (PROCESS). You used your ability to organize (STRENGTH) to get your clothes packed in time for our trip.”

This Type of Encouragement:

Acknowledges actions. This helps them understand what they did well so they can do it again.
Acknowledges strengths such as ability, talent, skills, positive personality traits to recognize the inner assets the child has brought to the situation. You’re showing your child how his strengths work, not just what they are.

“I believe this is because, in the more natural setting of the home, where parents likely use a mix of praise over a period of years as kids pass through various phases of identity formation and skills development, it’s the blend of praise that happens dynamically and organically over time that constructs a growth mindset. ” – Dr. Lea Waters

By making this small change of giving generic praise to both person and process, I’ve seen our kids take greater pride in what they do and repeat those behaviors like the research shows! Imagine that!

They are acknowledging what they need to make good choices and be good humans.

GOALS!

Put the Focus on What They Think

Something else I found in regards to praise was in The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-By-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World. by Amy McCready. Instead of keeping the focus on our opinion on what our kids do, flip it to see what they think.

Continuously giving approval and opinion can cause trust issues. It teaches kids to constantly look to others instead of relying on their own judgment.

This is especially true when the statement isn’t even true like telling your child who is awful at basketball that they are the best basketball player on the planet.

An easy way to do this is to ask a question like, “What do you think about your project you just created?”

A great time to do this is during a Family Meeting.

This has really helped our kids start to become proud of themselves. They no longer need to turn to us for approval for every single little thing.

“We want our kids to learn to measure their behavior by their own standards. Learning to set their own standards and being the judge of their own behavior is what actually builds positive self-esteem – not shallow “you’re the best!” from another person.” – Amy McCready

Then they can grow into adults who don’t care about what others think (as much).

Become a Sportscaster

One of the easiest ways to make sure you are encouraging instead of giving empty praise is to repeat what they just did. You are acknowledging what they are doing without attaching any opinion to it which in turn, encourages them.

For example, recently, my husband told the kids “good job” for eating their yogurt and granola. Shifting to encouragement would look like this, “Look! You are eating all of your yogurt and granola.” Then he could expand by adding process praise by commending their responsibility and autonomy for getting it and cleaning it up without any help.

How to Make the Change from Praise to Encouragement

With all the information given above, here is a list with the practical things we can do to make the switch from praise to encouragement.

Focusing On Strengths and Process

Point out the effort or process | You will help your child’s development far more if you give process praise with nothing else.
Acknowledge the specific behavior you want to be repeated in the future and which of the strengths they used to do it |“Your attention to detail helped you organize and clean your bedroom.”
Discover your child’s core character traits and strengths so they’re easy to point out during the moment | I made a printable to help you with this! See below.
Avoid praising an innate area because they can’t control it | The research supports we should avoid praising these areas which include intelligence, appearance, athleticism or creativity. Instead, point out areas where they do have control such as effort, attitude, responsibility, integrity, focus (unless they have attention deficits), perspective, compassion, respect, love, humility, etc. So instead of saying, “Wow you are so athletic”, praise how much effort they put in by practicing at home.
Connect their behavior to how it affects others| Praise the process and effort in showing how it made their friend, sibling or you feel.

strength-based encouragement infographic

Other Tips to Make the Shift from Praise to Encouragement

Eliminate the labels – It’s okay to point out the strength your child used to do a task but make sure it’s partnered with how they used that strength or trait.
Describe the behavior – Become a sportscaster and “report” the action or behavior they just did.
Ask questions – Instead of making a blank statement, ask how they are able to do the task or how they feel about the project.
Be truthful and authentic – You can over-encourage by not being completely honest. Kids can sniff this out from a mile away.
Shift the focus from “I” to “You” – Instead of, “I’m so proud of you.” Turn it into, “You must be so proud of yourself.”
Put a greater focus on the journey than the destination – Instead of only celebrating the end result such as the dance recital or playoff game, connect that to the behavior that helped them get there.

Is it clicking for you yet?

Free Printables!

On the spot, I have a difficult time to remember what I should be saying. What comes out of my mouth is anything but natural. At first, I sounded so awkward as if I were a robot repeating programmed phrases.

My kids looked at me like I was so weird …because I sounded so weird. And sometimes still do.

So to help you, I thought I’d provide some phrases that you can modify. Also, by writing down each of my boys’ strengths, it’s been easier for me to be more intentional in commending them in hopes they will repeat the behavior again.

free strength based encouragement printable

The Change We’ve Seen In Our Home

Once we started to make the switch from empty praise (and rewards), we have actually seen our kids become intrinsically motivated to help out without being nagged about it. Most of the time! And they’re excelling in certain areas far beyond expectations. Just like research shows!

One bonus result is that I’ve overheard my kids praising each other’s effort and encouraging their friends in ways that really make them feel good or want to repeat that behavior.

Now that deserves a little dance.

How Do You Encourage Your Child?

I would love to hear how you encourage your child!!!! Or what I can add to my repertoire. Comment below.

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

February 18, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 13 Comments

Simple Systems to Keep Your Home Organized and Clutter Free

Whenever there is stuff all over my house, I feel paralyzed. My mind only sees clutter and to-do lists and time suckers.

A few years ago I remember talking to a friend about organizing. I told her it appeared that my house was clean, but not to open any cabinet or drawer.

Eeeek! It was so bad.

boy holding timer for organizational systems

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Since then, I found a way I could go into a room and not ugly cry. Instead, my house stays clutter-free and it’s fabulous. It takes being intentional, but with systems and routines in place, it has been easy to keep up.

The only area in our house that needs to be managed better is the playroom. My suggestion to the kids was to get rid of all the toys. That didn’t go over so well, but I tried.

Imperative Systems

In order to stay on top of things and make your home feel decluttered and organized, you need to have systems. Period. Some take time to set up and others are quick and easy.

the laundry room, get all the good dirt here — This was in our laundry room when we moved in. I’m not sure why, but it makes me smile.

Laundry Systems

First on the list is the “L” word! It’s one of those things that never ever ever EVER stop. When I was in a super busy phase of life I began to neglect laundry altogether. I think I did it once a month taking me HOURS. Who am I kidding? DAYS to complete. It was suffocating.

Now, we use a super simple system of sorting the clothes by which room they go to. When that bin gets full, it gets washed, dried, and put away all in the same day. Or at least, that is the goal.

Here are some great laundry systems that may help you:

Sort by room or kid. | Do it when it’s full and have the person whose clothes they belong to put them away!
Assign each day of the week to each person in the family. | You can even get creative and name it like “Molly Monday” (if you have a Molly!)
Have a three-day laundry system. | Wash everything the first day, fold it all the second, and put it away on the third.
Have a single laundry day. | Pick a day of the way where you do all the laundry AND put it away all in the same day. This is what we used to do. It did work well but the new system takes less time since we only have to go into one room to put the clothes away.
Wash a load every day. | The key to this working is to throw the load in before you go to sleep then switch to the dryer as soon as you wake up. Put it all away before your day gets started. If not, it usually will start to pile up.

Bonus!!! Grab your free monthly inspection checklist when subscribing to the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter so you can keep your house decluttered!

Daily Clean Sweep

This one is life-changing.

I’m not even kidding.

It allows for a fresh start every day with no clutter. Read: toys, clothes, shoes, books and whatever other random things our kids leave around the house.

Every night as part of your evening routine, give everyone a basket, crate, bin or even a wagon to walk around and grab all things that aren’t where they should be. Something with wheels can work great, too!

Read more: Routines for Kids: Why & How They Work

Then, all those items get put away in their “home” (my next tip!). If it’s been a long night, it’s okay if everything doesn’t get put away, but at least it’s not all over the house.

When you keep up on this, it’s amazing how quickly it goes. And you can make it into a game by setting a timer, let your kids toss unbreakable items from a far distance or allow them to push each other around in a basket.

Everything Must Have a Home

I constantly find myself asking, “Where is that ____________’s home?”

If something comes into the house and it does not have a “home”, then it’s home becomes the garbage or gets donated. This goes for paper and mail, too. If you don’t have a home for it and you won’t need it in the future, get rid of it!

“Homes” that work well for our stuff:

Crates or bins
Rolling Carts
Hangers – not used only for clothes. For example, I use belt hangers to hang my bags and purses.
Shoe Organizers
Shelving Units
Drawers – plastic or real dressers
Overhead storage racks
Plastic Containers WITH lids!
Wall Holders for items like brooms and mops
Drawer organizers
Folders and Filing Cabinets for mail and papers
Accordion Organizers – I use these for all school work and art I want to keep.
Pizza Boxes – My friend saves each year of her daughter’s school work in a pizza box so they fit nicely under the bed!

Because I love to organize, most of our bins are labeled and micro-organized by color or size. You don’t need to go that far. You (and your kids!) just need to know where everything goes.

The Dollar Store and IKEA are both amazing places to get very inexpensive organizational tools.

Your bins don’t need to be pretty to function. Our pantry has a bunch of Dollar Tree bins because they were um, $1! We also have bins from Ikea and Michaels to add a little style!

And if you are putting something away, make sure it goes in its actual home, don’t just throw it in a drawer as we did for years then couldn’t find anything! Make sure it goes in the spot you reserved for it.

The more you keep up on this, the less time you have to go back and clean later. And it’ll cut down on the need to buy more of something because you can actually locate it.

No More Tchatchkes! (Cha-Skies)

Another phrase that rattles in my brain to help keep the clutter at a minimum, “No more Tchatchkes!”

A friend of mine introduced me to this word. and I love it. Seriously, say it a few times.

So much fun, right?!

It’s Yiddish for junk, trinkets, little toys or basically what I call crap. Ha! I apologize for the language but there’s no other way to properly describe it.

Tchatchkes that need to be tossed:

Treasure Box or Goody Bag Toys | Can we please talk about this? I get it. Our teachers are doing their best job to manage their classrooms and our kids LOVE getting to go to the treasure box. It’s so sweet of their teachers to reward them. And our kids love getting little surprises at birthday parties. If it’s not practical like a pencil, bookmark, book or something they will actually use and gain value from, it doesn’t stay in our house.
Fast Food Toys | These fall in the same category as the toys above. You can donate them to the treasure box at school. HA HA!
Swag | How many stress balls, koozies and drawstring bags can one family really use? Again, if it’s something that won’t get used or provides value, it has to go.

Great Idea Alert! A way to allow your kids to play with new and fun toys that don’t stay in your house is to rent some from ToyLibrary!

It’s genius! You order used (and disinfected) toys, then when you’re done, you send them back. This way you don’t have to find a home for them.

After Dinner Clean Up Dance Party

This one is something we are trying hard to instill in our kids. We got the “clear off your plate and put it in the sink” down but getting the kitchen cleaned is taking some work.

If done right, it should only take 10 maybe 15 minutes.

Our Echo plays some rockin’ 80’s music, everyone is required to put away or clean at least 2 or 3 things as we dance. When the kitchen gets done AS SOON AS dinner is complete, nothing piles up and it feels so good.

I follow a blogger who even has a Disco Ball in their kitchen and another with a fun bell the kids get to ring when finished. Whatever it takes!

keep home organized using systems infographic

The Daily Goal

In implementing all these systems, the goal is to have the house clutter-free and cleaned up every single night to start each day fresh!

This doesn’t happen all the time. Part of the reason is….life. Sports, rehearsals and busy schedules get in the way. But when you really break it all down while staying consistent, it saves you so much time in the long run. And can I just say it feels good?! Clean spaces are where it’s at!

Here are a few tips that really help me:

If you think about it, do it! Just do it, you’ll thank yourself later.
Set a timer. Some nights when the kitchen doesn’t get done after dinner, I look around and just want to go lay in bed. But instead, I’ll set a timer for 5-10 minutes to see what can get done. More times than not, it gets done in that time. And if it doesn’t, I’m already cleaning so I might as well finish. We LOVE these timers!
Don’t pass something up that’s not in it’s home. If the kids are still going to be playing with something, I’ll leave it, but other than that I don’t let anything just sit there. It needs to go to it’s HOME!
Get my kids to help! This is a no-brainer except if I’m trying to get rid of toys. Ha!

Getting Started

Okay, so if you’re sitting there thinking, “Oooh, I can use that system and that would work well for us. I’m not sure about that but we can try….WHO AM I KIDDING? AHHHH MY HOUSE IS A MESS WITH NO SYSTEMS, IT’S TOO OVERWHELMING. I’m just going to shut every door in my house and go eat Bon Bons.”

You know, that overwhelming feeling of not even knowing where to start?

I have good news. It doesn’t have to happen overnight. It has taken me years to get good systems in place and feel like my house is semi-decluttered.

Having older kids also helps this because they are far more capable of pitching in now than when they were toddlers.

So if you’re in the weeds, hang tight, it gets better.

How To Start Decluttering

Decluttering your house when you have kids can feel daunting and overwhelming. All you have to do is commit to a few minutes every day which will sometimes turn into hours. Here are other tips that have really helped me:

Visualize how you want your home to look

Set goals for each space in your home.

Do a Deep Organize

This is like a deep clean, but instead only getting rid of stuff, make sure every area is organized.

Focus on one room at a time

I started at one end of my house, went through every cabinet, closet, area that had stuff, and made sure there were homes for everything. Bring along a big garbage bag and don’t be afraid to toss!

Set a timer for 20-minute chunks

I’ve been doing this for the playroom. It gets me started then I work on it for a little longer than that.

Ask yourself imperative questions

You can google how to get organized and will find so many tips, tricks, and scripts to tell yourself. Some professionals have you ask yourself if that item brings you joy. Another question I often use is, “Have I used this in the past year?”

Teach one system at a time

In converting your kids to becoming declutterers, explain how they can be involved, and focus on one system at a time. Create habits!

Think about every item that you bring into your house

Before buying another coloring book or toy, think about where it will go, what can you replace it with, or if it really is something that will bring joy or value. And it’s best to not bring ANYTHING else into your house until your decluttering process is complete.

Get inspired!

Every time I go to two particular friends’ houses, I always come home wanting to throw everything away! Their houses are completely free of clutter and feel so refreshing which does inspire me to do the same. *Thanks, friends!

The After Effects

When you look at a space where there once was a lot of stuff, you’ll think, “Wow! That’s so nice to see the countertop again.” Or at least for me, I have happy thoughts instead of little gremlins yelling in my head.

And it can be addicting! Once you get rid of the clutter, your mind can be freed to think and do other things.

Room by room, space by space, if done with intention and keep systems in place, it will be more manageable. And don’t forget to include the kiddos!

Bonus! Monthly Inspection Checklist

I created a monthly inspection checklist that you can laminate and use over and over again. There are two lists. One has suggested rooms to inspect and the other is blank so you can fill it out.

I keep this on my fridge so I can make sure all the rooms in my house get cleaned and stay decluttered.

What Systems Do You Use?

I want to know! What am I missing? What other systems could we be using to maintain a clutter-free home? Comment below!

Originally published on 02/18/19; updated 06/23/20

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

January 8, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 10 Comments

Routines for Kids: Why They Work & How to Create Your Own

By nature, I like to structure my day. I don’t only prefer it, I feel like my world is crashing down around me if I don’t have a routine to follow.

I was the same way when I had my first son. Even before he came, I spent hours making schedules in Excel, color-coded and all, to help all of us get in a routine as soon as possible. Ya, I was a bit of a nut. Some of my friends would attest that not a lot has changed but they still love me.

Now, these schedules didn’t always work because you know, brand new babies think they should have their own timelines and needs met {insert dramatic hands thrown up in the air here}.

In all seriousness though, having some kind of structure to our day did help with sleep training, squeezing playtime in, helping with soothing and more importantly, keeping me (as) sane (as the crazy new mom I was could get).

Routines Are Imperative

Fast forward nine years, routines are more imperative than ever. My son has challenges with Executive Functioning with a provisional diagnosis of ADHD so he needs a routine.

Also, I have found that trying to rush out the door in the morning and making dinner are often my triggers. I go from Unikitty to Angry Kitty.

By having a routine for my kids to follow, there is a reduced amount of nagging to get things done before needing to head out the door. We get to stay on Cloud Cuckoo Land with all the rainbows and puffy clouds.

I like rainbows and puffy clouds. A lot.

What is a Routine?

When I say routine, I’m referring to some kind of consistent schedule at a certain part of the day. Mornings, after school and bedtime are the times of the day that we try to have some kind of routine, although flexible, in place.

Here are daily routines that are often helpful to have:

Morning – In my house, this is the most crucial routine we have. I am no longer involved in my boys getting ready in the morning and it’s glorious.
After School –Is it only me or does your house feel like a circus complete with acrobats when your kids get home from school?
Naps (if still taking them) and Bedtime
Chore Schedules and Routines
Play and Family Time

Because I don’t want to be more controlling than I already tend to be, we pretty much focus on having a solid morning and bedtime routine and chore schedules to allow for creativity and a little freedom.

Why Routines are Important

Routines are important for both kids and parents because they create predictability which leads to security and can aid in developing self-discipline.

There is so much change in a child’s life that having some kind of daily structure can significantly reduce stress and anxiety. Starting off the day knowing exactly what needs be done versus running around the house like your hair is on fire or you’re being chased by an angry monkey (you pick!) can set the tone for a much calmer and more productive day for you and your kids. And it feels good!

Raising Kids With Purpose Creating Routines

Dr. Laura Markham, author of many books I recommend and founder of Aha! Parenting says, “Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively control themselves and their environments.”

Kids who don’t have set times or places to get mundane tasks done have a tougher time learning to do the same when they are grown. Also, I can attest to not really having much of a self-care routine during my childhood (mainly because my parents working hard and not at home) which has resulted in a tougher time developing healthy habits as an adult.

“Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively control themselves and their environments.” – Dr. Laura Markham

We want our kids to thrive as adults which include brushing their teeth, wiping their butts (I’m not even kidding) and eating healthy without being told to do so. If they are capable of creating a routine that is easy to follow, these things can be done on autopilot and without any hesitation.

The Benefits of Routines

Routines are helpful to both adults and kids and for our relationship with each other. Since implementing a morning and evening routine, I no longer turn purple from saying, “Put your shoes on” or “brush your teeth” over and over and over AND over again.

I barely have to repeat myself (even having a kid with ADHD which is a feat in itself!) which helps me treat my kids with kindness creating a stronger connection with them.

Raising Kids With Purpose Morning Routine

The Brain Benefits of Routines:

Our brains become more happy by increasing certainty. | Whenever people face uncertainty, the amygdala (the responsible party for fight, flight or freeze) is engaged. Routines help us know what to expect keeping our bodies calm and more alert.
We can think more clearly. |The prefrontal cortex (the thinker brain) houses executive functions which allow people to organize, plan, self regulate and get tasks done. This part of the brain tends to tire more easily if used a lot. Establishing routines helps our brain store those tasks in our basal ganglia which is where our habits are stored freeing up space in our prefrontal cortex allowing us to have a clear mind so we can do new tasks and be creative in other areas. Wowzas! That was one heck of a run-on sentence so you may want to read it again *wink.
Our energy levels won’t be depleted as easy. | The Ego-Depletion effect is that feeling you get after completing tasks all day long. After a long hard day, the reason you get the feeling of wanting to curl up on the couch and watch Netflix is that you use up all your limited amount of willpower (and self-control). Having routines can conserve our self-control and energy.
We can lose fewer things. | I love organization and to be organized but because I’m always thinking of the next thing (and probably because I have three little people with different wants all at the same time), I lose things…a lot. By putting simple routines into place, I can better keep track of things. For example, hanging up my keys in the same place every day as soon as I walk in the house has helped tremendously. Now, if I could put a routine in place on where I place my phone….

8 Benefits of Having Routines With Our Kids

Routines let your kids know what is important to you and can help minimize a lot of parent-child struggle. Also, we know that kids thrive when there is structure. Because of this, routines can have emotional, behavioral and health benefits such as these:

Kids are more likely to cooperate and be intrinsically motivated to do the task at hand.
Power struggles can be eliminated or at least minimized. This runs true for our family which I mentioned above. Instead of getting into a battle on what they should be doing, I hand over their laminated routine chart then walk away.
Expectations can be established for kids. Routines can teach time management, teach responsibility with chores, establish healthy habits and help your child know what to expect all the while decreasing anxiety.
You can be more consistent in those expectations you have for your kids. Often we assume our kids know how to get themselves ready without any help which isn’t always the case. By having a routine in place (and better yet, printed out!), our expectations will be realistic.
Confidence and independence can develop. My oldest loves being able to cook his own breakfast in the morning. His self-confidence has exploded now that he is getting closer to taking care of himself.
Stronger connections and family bonds are created.
Time management skills are acquired from a young age. Don’t we all wish we knew how to use our time wisely? Getting started young can develop stronger habits for the future.
Kids experience stability and security. A predictable environment helps kids feel safe and protected especially during developmental changes such as synaptic pruning periods and puberty. Oh puberty.

Fostering Autonomy When Creating Routines

Before I get into how to create a routine, I want to bring up the topic of autonomy. So often in parenting, by default, we have our own agendas for our kids to follow without any collaboration. We are the CEO and we treat our kids with a top-down approach.

What if we allowed them to make their own decisions with the amount of guidance they need?

Self-determination theory is a macro theory of human motivation and personality (Gagne & Deci, 2005). It is concerned with the motivation behind the choices people make without being extrinsically motivated or rewarded.

According to Good Therapy, the self-determination theory explains the three basic psychological needs people need to fulfill:

Autonomy, or the need to feel free to choose their own behavior
Competence, or the need to feel capable of effectively interacting with their environment
Relatedness, or the need to feel close to and meaningfully connected to others

I mention this because allowing your kids to create their own routines and then follow through on those themselves can develop a strong sense of autonomy. Kids are then able to develop problem-solving skills and great emotional well-being which will be beneficial for a lifetime.

When kids feel capable of making their own choices, the learning that occurs is invaluable. By doing this, kids can also realize the importance of family values, rules and how to be a good human being.

In creating a routine, instead of handing over what you think is best, guide them carefully to choose what works for them and for the family.

Now The Fun Part, Creating Routines

In order for a routine to be effective, make sure it is

Clearly planned | Everyone needs to know what role they play with a plan made AHEAD of time.
Consistent |We have been trying to establish a routine of all hands on deck to clean the kitchen after dinner but aren’t very consistent. Therefore, the routine hasn’t been as successful as our morning and evening routines. After being consistent for a few months or so, check in with your kids and maybe change things up so it feels new again.
Predictable | On some of our routine charts, we listed times so every day we can try to aim to do those things at the same time or at least around that time.
Fun | Add a little fun. Our kids listed “do push-ups” as their last task of the morning. They don’t always do this but when they see it, they laugh.

Creating a Routine Chart

As mentioned, have your child be part of creating a chart. There are a ton of pre-made charts available but they are more likely to take part if they are given the autonomy to do their own.

Ways to Create a Routine Chart

Draw one! | My nieces talked to their mom about what should be on their morning routine chart and then drew pictures for each of the tasks. They enjoyed making a special creation that they could use daily.
Make one on the computer | Use a program like Word and allow your kid to pick his or her own clip art.
Use a stuffed animal or favorite toy | This is a great suggestion for kids who have sensory challenges or prefer soft things to touch. Attach the tasks to different parts of the toy that the child will follow in a specific order.
Use a chalkboard or whiteboard| If you have a place in your home with a chalkboard or whiteboard, put the routine on there for a reference for your kids. This can easily be changed as well.
Print out the routine chart I created for you!

Command Center Ideas:

The benefits of routines for kids and how you can get your mornings and evenings back. #routines #freeprintable

Download Free Routine Charts Including a Create-Your-Own

The routine charts are for both morning and night. I cut then laminated them so they were easy to carry around the house. When they are finished, they pin them back up on the Command Center.

I also included a Create-Your-Own. You can open on your computer and add clip art or let your kids draw pictures!

Tell me, what kind of routines do your kids use?

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

December 4, 2018 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 8 Comments

Calm Down Kit Ideas to Help Kids Manage Big Emotions | Free Printable

How to create a Mad Box to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

Big emotions run high in my house. Because of this, I have spent a lot of time learning about emotional and self-regulation. One of the greatest ways to help kids calm down is with a Calm Down Kit or Mad Box.

More on emotional regulation and a Calm Down Poster for your fridge: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

We love our Calm Down Kit! It can also be referred to as an “Anger Box”, “Mad Box”, “SOS” kit, or whatever your kids want to call it.

I am a firm believer in getting our kids to take ownership in all they do. They gain critical thinking skills and are more invested when they have a say. This includes helping your kid help himself handle big emotions.

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Calm down strategies for kids. What to put in a mad box.

Creating a Calm Down Kit

Using the items we had around the house and Dollar Tree, this is what my six-year-old included in his Mad Box:

1. The Box

He picked a shoebox we had from buying his school shoes a few months ago. It had logos on the outside so he decorated it with large Lego stickers.

Decorating the box can also aid in helping a child calm down or engage his or her creativity.

As he was carefully placing the stickers, he made up a story about what each character was doing to the other. The dialog was quite creative. The best part is the story continues every time he picks up the box.

2. Bubbles

How to create a Calm Down kit to help kids calm down when they have big emotions.

Using bubbles is one of my favorite ways to get kids to breathe. Long exhales have the most incredible calming effect.

As each bubble is blown, the child can focus her attention on the pretty colors or shape of the bubble and work on that breathing.

3. Calm Down Jar

Calm Down glitter jar for kids with big emotions

Together, we created this very simple Calm Down Glitter Jar. When all the glitter settles, he likes to flip it upside down to watch the clumps of glitter slowly fall down to the bottom.

4. Paper

I loooooove paper! Paper is my secret weapon to help my kids calm down. Here are the multiple ways paper can be used to help a child get rid of his or her big emotions:

Create and Build

My oldest has loved building with paper since he was three! He has created objects like semitrailers (with moveable parts!), bomb bots, cranes, cameras, microphones, planes, and origami. Something magical happens in his brain when he begins to create with paper. It’s as if he becomes a totally different kid.

I am still trying to find the secret sauce that makes him go from angry, not very kind mode to happy sweetest-kid-in-the-entire mode and so far, paper comes close!

Smash

If your child is really angry, have her crumple it up and smash or stomp on it. Smashing it releases aggression in a very safe way.

Tear

Tearing the paper up into tiny little pieces really calms my middle child. It’s as if the anger slowly seeps out with each and every rip.

Color or Draw

Use the paper to draw out feelings or color a picture. The drawing doesn’t even need to represent anything. Your child can scribble to his heart’s content as the big emotions slowly dissipate.

One time my oldest drew the way he felt about his brother by creating a picture with a boy whose head was on fire. His drawing made him laugh which helped him forget why he was mad in the first place.

Cut

The sensation of having scissors cut through paper can be calming. Also, the child needs to concentrate more which is a great way to stabilize his or her mood.

Glue or Tape

Let your child get as creative as she wants. These can be used to wrap the paper, create pictures, glue pieces together, glue other craft pieces to the paper and whatever else your child comes up with.

The point is paper can be an open door to a world of imagination.

5. Craft Items

You can get creative with this by adding anything from paint to feathers. My son put some fuzzy balls, pipe cleaners, colored wood sticks, crayons and glue in his box.

6. Stress Ball

Throw in anything your child can squeeze to get that aggression in the hands out.

7. Playdough

Playdough is another great way to create a picture to represent feelings. It can also be used as a sensory outlet. Your child can rub it in between his or hands, smash it, stretch it, or stick it on her face.

8. Stones and Coins

We happened to have a bunch of little stones and fake coins from a neighborhood event. Items like this engage many senses such as hearing, touch, and sight.

Creating Your Own Mad Box

The contents of a calm down kit for your child will be specific to him or her. Let them pick what they think will work and encourage them to swap out items occasionally.

The Whole Calm Down Toolkit has 18 different calming strategies, step-by-step instructions for your child to create his or her own calm down (or mad) box and a list of 40+ ideas to put in the box. Fill out the form below:

If you only want the list of Calm Down Box items, Click here to download.

What Is In Your Calm Down Kit?

I would love to hear what is in your calming toolbox. Or if you have any questions about anything above, please comment below.

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

November 23, 2018 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 30 Comments

The Best STEM Toys for Kids

When deciding what to get for our kids from their birthday and Christmas lists, the majority of the toys we choose to purchase must have a purpose. Open-ended toys that have a “long play life” and that spark imagination and creativity! We realized quickly they like STEM toys for kids.

boy with 3d pen creation and straw builders

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

Why STEM Toys Are Beneficial For Kids

What are STEM toys? STEM stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math and the toys that fall under this category include at least one of these areas of learning. You may have also seen STEAM which adds in art and creativity.

The future, our kids’ futures, will encompass innovation, creativity, and technology.

Beth Holloway, director of the Women in Engineering Program at Purdue says that these kinds of toys help kids take an idea and bring it to reality while using motor skills. Confidence is built allowing kids to really make an impact in the world.

Because of this, I decided to create a gift guide with STEM toys for kids to help you with the perfect toy for your little maker or creator.

If you don’t know what a maker is as I didn’t until I had one in my house, it’s a person who uses tools and tells stories by making things!

Toy Types

We are a little more on the cautious side when it comes to technology (especially with our toddler – check out what we give him to play with!). The guide has some of the newest and shiniest tech/coding kits but also a lot of traditional building toys and games that instill critical thinking and motor skills kids need to become innovators.

Read Next: 30 Fun Strategy and Board Games

Most of these items we own and are tested and approved by my kids and their friends. There are a few others I found that may end up under our tree this year. Hint Hint.

STEM Toys Your Kids Will Love!

1. 3D Pen

Have you heard of a 3D pen? If your child loves to create, it is a must-have. As they become more popular, there are many tutorials and templates online.

This is my oldest son’s favorite thing to play with right now. I explain the pen to people by comparing it to a glue gun. Plastic filament is fed into the back end, heated up and comes out melted. It hardens quickly and isn’t too hot making it perfect for kids. The pen itself is rather small which works well to travel with (as long as you have somewhere to plug it in).

My nine year old has created many cars, planes, bridges including the San Francisco bridge and the Tower Bridge in London, a flower for his teacher, a pig and pen (of course!), and a lot of other vehicles.

2. Straw Builders

The straw builder kit comes with flexible straws and two different types of connector pieces. The creations a kid can make are endless. It seems so simple and yet it stimulates learning in an exciting way.

For a few years now, our bin of straw builders has been THE most used toy in our house. And the most copied. Every time our boys take their bin to the park or camping, the other kids usually love them so much they beg their parents to go buy some too.

My kids have used the straws to make building structures, vehicles they climb in, guns and weapons and they even made a pretend toilet once. You know, because having a toilet in the middle of the park is hilarious.

3. Anki Cosmo

Anki Cosmo is an educational robot that uses code to program it. Kids use a Cosmo app to control the small robot.

4. Goldie Blox & The Dunk Tank

I had seen this but didn’t know what it was until I was looking for STEM toys for this post.

This toy is based around a story of the worlds’ first female engineer. She’s given a problem she needs to solve. The kit comes with 55 pieces including hinges and levers for kids to follow along and help Goldie create a dunk tank for her dog.

5. 4M Water Rocket Kit

Our boys have had a few of the stomp rockets, but this one makes it more into an experiment.

This kit uses the power of water to launch a bottle 90 feet into the air! These kits are perfect STEM toys for kids that make learning fun!

6. Scientific Explorer Crime Catchers Spy Science Kit

Scientific Explorer has some great science kits. This one looks like kids could play with it more than once as it has eight different activities. It’s a great introduction to forensic science!

7. Snap Circuits

Snap circuits are electric circuits inside plastic modules that easily snap together. This is a great way to introduce electronics to kids. The kits contain enough pieces to perform electrical experiments so kids can learn about magnetic fields, electromagnetism, static electricity, and parallel and series circuits.

Friends and family know my son very well so we have a few different sets he got as birthday and Christmas gifts. All the pieces are interchangeable and he has learned how to build them inside and around his Legos.

8. Piper Computer Kit (Ages 7-13)

Piper is the Raspberry-Pi computer kit and has everything your child needs to build his or her own computer. It is the Raspberry Pi edition of Minecraft through physical controls, switches, buttons & lights. It teaches critical thinking skills, circuits, engineering, electronics, programming and coding with hands-on learning.

This computer kit allows kids to learn the basics of coding and computer building. It’s the way of the future, right?!

We don’t have this yet, but my kid has learned a lot about Raspberry Pi from books at the library. This looks like a great way to introduce it to him.

9. Magnet Building Tiles (Ages 3+)

Other toys that gets so much use year after year are Magnet Tiles or Magformers. I have a friend who purged all of her toys and has basically only kept their Magna-tiles because her kids play with them that much.

These are plastic colored tiles that fit together using magnets. The shapes make it easy to create structures of all kinds. This kind of toy engages spatial and fine motor skills while sparking a child’s imagination.

10. Hape Quadrilla Wood Marble Run (Ages 4-15)

Marble runs are loved by our family. This is a classic wooden kinetic run that is easy to put together. I also like that kids can exclude the marbles and used the woodblock to build other towers and structures.

11. Roller Coaster Challenge (Ages 6+)

Thinkfun has incredible one player strategy games. These are great for kids who have a hard time losing against others (ahem, like our middle kiddo) or for introverts.

I was first introduced to these games by a friend who has a son who prefers to be by himself. He loved being intellectually tested without having to be social. She encourages him to play with others but also respects his personality.

The Roller Coaster Challenge is a logic game and a roller coaster building toy. Two in one! The game cards provide a challenge that needs to be solved by building a roller coaster. Once the track is built, the player places the car on the track to see if it can make it to the bottom.

Other STEM toys for kids from Thinkfun include Gravity Maze, Rush Hour Traffic Jam, Chocolate Fix, Thinking Putty Puzzle, and Laser Maze.

12. Zoob Builderz

Zoob creates kits with building pieces that have axels and joints that fit together. Once the child has something built, they can move the pieces and continue to play.

We have both Zoob Builderz RC Mover and Z-Strux Lift Sky Crane. The boys really like the mover since it comes with a “body” and remote to make the pieces move. Living in Arizona, they thought it was fun to make a scorpion. I’m okay with it as long as it’s not real. I hate those things!

The construction set is great because it comes with so many pieces and two little Zoob people. When my son got this (for Christmas), he really wanted a crane. So instead of just a crane, he got to build his own.

13. Wonder Workshop Dash Robot (Ages 6+)

Dash is a real robot your child can program using a free coding app. Kids are able to give this adorable robot voice commands and explore many different options using the included challenge cards.

Both my six and nine-year-old love this learning-to-code robot. This toy was their first experience with coding which made it easy and fun. Dash has a really sweet voice.

14. Thames & Kosmos Kids First Coding & Robotics

Coding is such a great skill for kids to learn but it can be hard for their autonomic nervous systems to constantly be on electronics. I didn’t think it was possible for my boys to learn how to code without being on a computer or smart device until I found this toy!

Instead of needing a screen, kids learn how to code through model building exercises and other lessons.

15. Melissa and Doug Building Blocks

Building blocks are a must to any toy repertoire. With these blocks, kids can have an endless amount of play.

This Melissa and Doug set provide plenty of different shapes making it easy to balance and build entire cities. The woodblocks are completely smooth. A lot of wooden toys and puzzles come with boxes that fall apart. We have had this one for over four years and I swear it is indestructible.

16. Kano Harry Potter Coding Wand Kit

The wand in this kit marries coding with everyone’s favorite wizard. Following simple set up instructions, your kid can build a wand that responds to movement.

This is another STEM toy that should be on every gift guide as it teaches about loops, logic, and variables by using JavaScript.

Kano has many other coding and building computer kits that are definitely worth looking into.

17. Invent the Greatest Board Game

There are multiple ways for kids to make their own board game using blank game boards and dice. Instead of searching online for all of those items, this game provides it all for you.

With the Spark! Lab Invention Guide, kids can brainstorm to come up with their own unique game. Talk about critical thinking skills. This game comes with over 220 pieces from a spinner to a sand timer so a fun game can be invented.

18. littleBits Rule Your Room Kit

littleBits has really great toys for inspiring creators and inventors. They create electronic prototyping platforms for kids to teach them about how electronics work.

The bits are like little electronic building blocks that connect with a magnetic snap where each piece does something different.

I like this specific kit because it came with something my son was very excited about called a Makey Makey. That’s really what it is called! Say that a few times and try not laughing.

The Makey Makey turns normal objects into touchpads when connected to the internet. Your child can turn a banana into a piano. Ya, I don’t quite get how, but it works!

19. Scientific Explorer Young Architect Building Set

Have an aspiring architect on your hands? This kit is reusable allowing kids to design 3D models of homes. The floors are made out of tracing paper and the walls out of acrylic so they can easily see from room to room.

20. K’NEX Imagine – Power and Play Motorized Building Set

The Power and Play Motorized Building Set has over 500 pieces so your child can create 50 different models. It is also their only set with a motor that expands the opportunities for your child to get creative.

Was This Gift Guide Helpful for Your Little Creator?

Comment below what toys you love or what you would add to this list!

Post originally published on December 12, 2018, and updated on November 23, 2019.

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com

November 15, 2018 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) Leave a Comment

Five Phrases to Help Parents Build Strong Connections With Their Kids

When I was a first-time mom with a 15-month-old, I decided to take him to Red Robin. Just the two of us. To be honest, it was kind of awkward. I mean I did all the talking and he just looked at me (and threw food).

He would make silly faces. I would return those same looks. The placemat had interesting things to look at so I probably pointed those things out to him. As I sat there essentially talking to myself, I remember wishing we could have a two-way conversation.

I could not wait for that day.

Fast forward eight years later, I can say that is one of my favorite things about being a parent. I love being able to communicate with my kids. What was once gah’s, bah’s, whoa’s and grunts are now words with meaning. Ideas and thoughts that we can bounce back and forth. Intriguing discussions about what is going on in each of our worlds. We get to talk about memories together. And you know, the talking back, the high pitched whine talk thing that they do and all the other fun ways they express emotions {insert slight sarcasm here}.

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

Words that teach and grow who they are becoming.

With the ability to converse also comes responsibility. I never did believe that old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but word will never hurt me.”

Errrr FALSE! Words do matter.

They REALLY matter.

Today I wanted to share with you some phrases I have come across to use when communicating with our kids. These aid in connection and behavior management.

1. Asked and Answered

Do you have a child who you feel like should be a lawyer when he or she grows up? My hand is up! I MOST DEFINITELY have one of those! Every decision turns into a negotiation. His negotiating skills are really good too! At the end of our conversation, I feel like I’ve talked in circles saying the same thing in a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he is so determined that I end up giving in which is probably where he attained these skills in the first place.

Insert Asked and Answered.

This is a tool created by Lynn Lott, MA, MFT author of Chores Without Wars and coauthor of some of the Positive Discipline series of books. My husband and I both love using this tool to end a debate quickly.

With these three words, you are able to clearly communicate to your kids they been heard but also that the decision is final. It has helped shut down so many arguments that probably would have escalated into a complete meltdown. I love how concise it is and how it can be used time and time again.

Here’s an example of how we recently used it: After a football game, my oldest wanted ice cream. One, it was 8:00pm! Two, he can’t have a lot of sugar because it causes him to go in no self-control mode. And three, it was 8:00pm! He asked the question, we gave the answer. He wasn’t happy with that answer but our reply simply was “asked and answered.”

Now, this doesn’t always shut down the high emotions but it still communicates with what the final decision is. No negotiation. No giving in.

How to establish Asked and Answered

Take these steps once your child asks a question about something they want to do or have. Here is a script to use:

“Have you heard of “Asked and Answered?” They will probably reply with a, “No.”
“Did you ask me a question about [insert whatever they are asking for or what to do here]?” They should answer this with a “Yes.”
“What was my answer?” Guide them with the answer if needed.
“You asked and I answered – asked and answered.” Then don’t engage in any further discussion about that topic! It’s done!

That’s all there is to it. Hopefully, you’ll have to use this tool less and less as they understand that you are firm with your answer and not budging.

2. Show Me the Hard Part

I stumbled across this one from A Mother Far From Home and love it. If you are like me, when your child is struggling with something like tying his shoes, learning how to ride a bike or building a toy, you probably give motivational words.

“You can do it.” “I believe in you.” “You just need to do this then you have it!”

Instead of telling them something they have already decided they cannot do, say, “Show me the hard part.” This flips the power struggle mindset that is probably occurring in their minds by giving them ownership.

When I first heard of this phrase we had some kids over to my house for a birthday party. The theme was my son’s favorite thing in the world, paper! Not all of the kids were as familiar or interested in folding paper like him. One of the boys tried for a few minutes then gave up. At first, my intuition was to tell him he could do it. But then, I locked eyes with him and said, “Show me the hard part.” Without skipping a beat, he showed me so I could help him. Once he got over that “hard part”, he felt so proud he was able to complete the project.

3. Tell Me More

Asking your child to tell you or show you more opens up an environment of connection. This concept helps our kids know that we are invested in what they have to say. So often, our conversations end short. My son explains what he is building or doing at school and I used to always respond with my opinion. Instead, I now try to say, “Tell me more or show me more,” which opens up the dialog I’ve always dreamed of. When you do this…

Your child feels heard.

You get to work on your listening skills.

Win Win.

Asking your child to tell you more is a great habit to get into especially when they reach the teen years. In countless surveys I’ve come across, teens have astoundingly recorded that they don’t feel like they are heard. “Tell me more” communicates that they are.

This is also a great tool to help get your kids to finish up their screen time. Instead of telling them their time is up or that they need to stop, take a few minutes to ask them to tell you more about what they are doing. The look on my kids’ faces when I ask them to show me what they worked on in Minecraft is priceless. It gives them the time they need to transition off of the fictional world and back into the real world.

4. What Do You Need To Remember?

This is another one of those, “Aha” phrases for me.

My boys are constantly doing things that could cause injury. Climbing on furniture, beating each other, running full speed (in flip flops), using their bodies to do things that bodies weren’t made for and probably a lot of other things I am unaware of. I’m constantly telling them to be careful. In their minds, what does that even mean?

Engage their critical thinking skills making them more aware of what they should do in order to be careful.

“What do you need to remember when you are in the living room jumping on the couch?”
“What do you need to remember when you are climbing a tree at the park?”
“What do you need to remember when you are running full speed in flip flops?”

If they don’t answer audibly, assist them with what they should be doing to ensure safety.

Read Next: Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What We Can Do Instead

5. How did that make you feel?

In trying to get off of the praise train, have your child look inward to decide what they feel about something. My kids are little makers. Once a project is even halfway complete, they are always looking to my husband and me for approval.

We show interest and excitement but also try to put the focus on how they feel. We ask a question like “How did that make YOU feel?” followed by exclaiming, “YOU must feel so good about that!” Another question we often ask is, “What did YOU like about that?”

We unknowingly tend to teach our kids to look to others for approval in everything that they do. This can cultivate a teen or adult who looks to others for validation and ultimately leads to doing something to gain the wrong kind of attention or approval. Allowing our kids to self-asses and make their own decisions (with positive guidance from you, of course) can be such an important life skill.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were all our own biggest fan instead of constantly worrying about what others think about us? Getting your child to connect with his or her internal compass can help create adults who do incredible things without letting others’ thoughts paralyze them.

A few weeks ago, I got a video from my sister in law of my five-year-old niece huffing and puffing.

With her jean jacket, glasses and cute little ringlets hanging in front of her face, she said, “Aunt Adriane, I runned all the way up the hill of the bus stop then I runned all the way back down too.” “…I was getting Ellie (a lovie that is very important to her sister) for Emily because she forgot it.”

My sister in law asked, “How did that make you feel?”

Her face was BEAMING with pride as she answered, “So good.”

Seeing how proud she was for making a good choice made my heart so full. She not only did a very kind thing but she was able to recognize how thoughtful that was simply because she was asked.

What Phrases Do You Use?

Are there any key phrases you have come across that work wonders in parenting? I would love to hear so I can add to my mental parenting toolbox! Comment below.

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose)

Transform Your Morning Routine to be a Productive and Happy Mom

How to Be a More Productive and Happy Mom

Tips on How To Become a Morning Person

Retrain Your Sleep Schedule

Start Habit Stacking Your Mornings

Morning Routine Ideas

Read

Pray/Meditate

Gratefulness Practice

Journal

Plan the Day

Move Your Body

Make Over Your Mornings

Miracle Morning

Prepare the Night Before

Get Started Tomorrow!

Do YOU have a Morning Routine?

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF IS NOT SELFISH.

Balance Does Not Exist

Organizing Our Time As Moms

The Benefits of Self Care For Moms

Motivate Yourself

Here Are Some Things to Motivate Yourself to Do Self Care:

Yield to Negativity

Sleep

The benefits of sleep:

Exercise

The benefits of Exercise and How Beneficial It Is To Our Brains

Exercise Motivators

Love (and relationships)

The Benefits of Relationships

Fun

The Benefits of Having Fun

Free Mini eBook

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How are you focusing on “MYSELF”?

Quality Time: The Best Way To Stop Unwanted Behavior and Sibling Fighting

The Benefits of Spending One-On-One Time With Kids

How to Incorporate More Quality Time With Your Kids

Name Your Special Time

Carve Out the Time

Establish Rules and Guidelines

Ways to Make Quality Time More Special

Have Your Child Do Something

Let Your Child To Pick The Activity

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Thank you!

Make Sure You Enjoy Each Other and Have Fun!

Preview The Activity

Take Pictures or Video

Incorporate Play

Review The Quality Time

When You Really Don’t Have Time

Here are a few things that can help:

Quality Time Activities

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Thank you!

How Do You Spend One-On-One With Your Kids?

What I learned after being verbally attacked over toy guns

What Are My Personal Thoughts On Toy Guns?

But what about toy guns? Is it the same thing?

What the research says:

Educate Educate Educate

The More Important Issue

Teach Your Kids About Gun Safety

The Debate About Toy (NOT REAL) Guns

Why Kids Should NOT Play With Toy Guns

The Benefits of Toy Gun and Aggressive Play

Why we should allow our kids to play with toy guns:

9 Tips for Allowing Your Kids To Play With Guns

An Apology

What Are Your Thoughts?

Did They Just Say Praise Was Bad?

The Difference Between Praise and Encouragement:

Not All Praise Is Bad

Types of Praise

Generic Praise

Person Praise

In Carol Dweck’s findings:

Process Praise