Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose), Author at Raising Kids With Purpose

February 24, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 54 Comments

6 Genius Ways to Make Your Family Values Stick

Inside: The importance of family values and how to make them make a lifelong impact on your kids.

Imagine a book that is stitched together with thread. The stronger the stitching, the more durable that book becomes regardless of how many times it has been read, stepped on, or thrown around.

If your family was a book, your family values would be the stitching. The more reinforcement you have and the more intentional you are, the stronger your family becomes.

Every family has values regardless if they are hung in the kitchen on a wooden plaque, written down on a poster or not recorded at all.

Family values are the fundamental beliefs or principles that serve as a guide for all actions made by the members of that family. These values are set by the parents but can be influenced by the values from the generations before them.

The Importance of Family Values

A message I find myself repeating is that all humans want to love and be loved. We also have a desire to experience relatedness.

The National Council of Family Relations states, “Values are important also because they provide a foundation as a source of protection, guidance, affection, and support. Instilling family values can protect and guide children against making hurtful decisions in the future as they teach a sense of right and wrong.”

Research also shows that when kids have a strong sense of belonging, this is when they are able to reach their full potential. Being part of a family unit, regardless of how this looks, is the single most important influence on how a child develops. It has been God’s plan for creation from the start.

6 Ways to Make Family Values Stick

Having family values isn’t just something you talk about. Instead, to truly live out these principles, there are five steps that need to take place to embed them into your family culture.

Here are the 6 ways you can pass down your values to your children:

Believe
Define
Talk
Feel
Experience
Model

Taking these steps will prepare your kids for every challenge, situation, and experience they face out in the world.

1. Believe

We must be rooted in a strong belief system. This is going to look different for every family. However, you must believe in something.

Having strong beliefs provides a foundation for how we live our lives.

Now, we can’t will ourselves into believing but we can do certain things that generate belief.

For our family, we believe in God. To cultivate that belief, we attend church, read scripture, pray, and listen to the stirrings in our hearts that come from the Holy Spirit.

Present your beliefs to your children while giving them opportunities to grow those beliefs. As mentioned, you cannot make yourself or others for that matter believe in something. Having something for your kids to aim for gives them a framework and helps them know they’re part of something bigger.

2. Define

If you haven’t done so yet, it’s important to define your family values.

Innately, they exist, but when you acknowledge what values dictate your decisions and how your family navigates life both at home and out in the world, that binding becomes even stronger. The compass that is directing you becomes easier to follow.

A great way to do this is to look at a list of values and pick your top 6-8. Also, during Family Meetings or family meals, discuss the values of other families or historical figures you admire. Have deep conversations about why you value what you do.

Lastly, take time to observe how you make decisions, how you treat each other, how you treat others, and the activities you engage in.

3. Talk

With the rise of technology, talking is decreasing more and more. However, it’s an important skill that we must do as a family. It’s that extra glue poured in between those threads.

Have both informal and formal discussions about your family values with your children.

Whenever one of our boys starts to put down his sibling, we’ll simply say, “In our family, we build each other up, instead of tearing each other down.” Without a long dissertation of what our values are, we are planting little seeds to remind our kids what matters most to our family.

A parenting tool I can’t emphasize enough that every family should be implementing is a Family Meeting. We typically have one every week, however, if our weekend schedule gets busy, it can sometimes be 1-2 times a month. The amount of meetings doesn’t matter, but instead, you continue to carve time out to discuss rules, celebrate with each other, connect, and reiterate your family values.

BONUS! By signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a free Family Meeting Agenda to help your meetings stay on track and give you something to reflect on as the years go on.

Discussing your values with your children gives them a base as they start to develop what is most important to them and what they will base their decisions on.

4. Feel

Embrace all emotions and encourage your children to feel your family values. This may seem fluffy, but it’s not! Think about it, emotions and strong feelings influence our actions.

Whenever your kids display these kinds of emotions, acknowledge them and link how they feel to your core values. You can even incorporate this into your emotion coaching.

For example, whenever my son shows empathy towards another human being, I point that out because that feeling is in line with what we believe and value. Or when another son is fearful about misbehaving in school, we unpack where that feeling is coming from and how it’s related to our value of making good decisions.

For You! Get a free emotion coach printable when you sign up for Raising Kids With Purpose’s newsletter.

5. Experience

Give your children the opportunity to experience your family’s values. When choosing the activities you do together, think about what values those emulate.

When my husband and son spend hours working on their dirt bikes to go out riding for the day, the values of hard work and enjoying life are both connected to the experience. There are probably a few other family values incorporated into the time they’re having together as well.

There is no need to constantly talk about values, but instead, live them out through the activities you do.

6. Model

Lastly, the absolute best way kids are going to learn is through the behaviors and values that are modeled by us, their parents. Hands down. Kids are often referred to as sponges because they literally soak up everything they see.

Everything you say and do will influence how your child perceives your family values.

Have you ever found yourself yelling, “Why are you yelling at me? We don’t yell in this family!”? That has definitely happened in our house. However, once we take a step back and realize that we can’t expect our kids to control an action we don’t even have a good hold on, we can become intentional to stop those behaviors.

Read Next: 10 Tips for Raising Grateful Kids

Living Out Your Family Values

Knowing that values provide a map to follow through life and the glue that holds our family together, it’s important that we take time to focus on it. We need to be consistent in our messaging, but not perfect. There are going to be times when you say something that doesn’t fit your values or you may do something out of impulse. You’re HUMAN! Give yourself grace!

Also, you need to give your kids the space to decide what their personal core values are. They’re not always going to be an exact match, and that’s okay.

Dr. Jim Taylor, author of Your Children are Under Attack: How Popular Culture is Destroying Your Kids’ Values, and How You Can Protect Them, explains, “Children who understand values and connect positive emotions with those values have a much better chance of making value-driven decisions, consider their options, weigh the benefits and costs, and make a choice that is consistent with their family value culture rather than ones based on self-interest or in response to the urgings from popular culture”

Kids need to know that they are loved unconditionally. And that it’s because of that love they have limits and boundaries to live inside.

What matters is that we keep the dialog open. Our sons and daughters should see how imperfect we are, while we are striving to be better people every day. We are raising kids to become adults who will work towards those same goals.

This is how we continue to add adhesive and fabric backing to the epic novels God gave us to live.

February 22, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 30 Comments

How To Define and Discover Your Family Values

In this post, you’ll discover why family values are so important and how to create a list of your own so you can be reminded of them daily.

Last night my boys decided they wanted to play a game. When they asked, “Do you want to play?” My first thought was, “Heck no! I have so much to do. With your new school schedule, I am having a tough time getting anything started or finished.”

But instead, I responded with, “Sure! Let’s go in the kitchen so my butt doesn’t hurt from sitting on the floor.”

We started to play a strategy game. Quickly after we started, emotions heightened so one of my sons decided to leave before it got ugly. He came back with a different game where we could work together instead of against each other.

As we were setting the second game up, my husband walked in. The boys asked if he wanted to play and he started with his usual answer of, “I need to get this, this and this done.” With a flash of some puppy dog eyes, he pulled up a seat next to me.

We played by supporting each other to use all of our pieces on each turn. There was no arguing, competitive remarks or upset kiddos. Instead, there was laughter and teamwork. It was really a beautiful moment that lasted maybe twenty minutes, but we’re still feeling the effects of it even today.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Defining Your Family Values

When I revisited this experience, I couldn’t help but see our family values sprinkled all through our time together. I then started to think about the impact of having strong values and began to research the benefits.

I discovered a quote about writing values down from Stanford Psychologist, Kelly McGonigal’s book, The Upside of Stress,

“It turns out that writing about your values is one of the most effective psychological interventions ever studied. In the short term, writing about personal values makes people feel more powerful, in control, proud, and strong. It also makes them feel more loving, connected, and empathetic toward others. It increases pain tolerance, enhances self-control, and reduces unhelpful rumination after a stressful experience.”

She was referring to personal core values, but I think this can be applied to family values as well. Our core values are influenced by what our parents believe whether we adopt their values or go in the complete opposite direction.

Writing down what you believe in and value in life can help your kids be on the same page as you and give them a guide for the choices and decisions they make.

In a study that explored key questions around what role the family plays in children’s personal identity, they found that only 3/10 families actually wrote down their family values.

So let’s change that!

Check out the steps below that will guide you in this process of discovering and recording your family values.

Download You Free Family Values List and Worksheet here!

How To Discover Your Family Values

“Families are the compass that guides you. They are the inspiration to reach great heights. and our comfort when we occasionally falter.” ~Brad Henry

Why is this? It’s because of the strong values that are embedded within a family. Ultimately, values are the glue that holds families together and a guiding light that affects decisions, choices, and actions.

There are multiple steps you can take to discover your family values. Then once you identify what they are, you can write down the values and hang them in a common area in your house.

Kids fighting? Refer to your values. Kids want to go somewhere you don’t approve of? Refer to your values. Are your kids saying mean words? Refer to your family values. You just said something out of line to your husband? Refer to your family values on how to correct.

Kids want to go serve at the homeless shelter? You keep having a desire to check social media? Kids want to have friends over? I think you know the answer by now!

The 4 Steps to Discovering Family Values:

Because there’s a lot to comb through, you may want to do each step below on separate days.

Remember, this whole identifying your family values process can be ongoing as your family dynamics change and everyone grows older.

Step 1: Discuss at Your Family Meeting

Add family values to your family meeting agenda (get one for free here!) or schedule a special family time where discussing values is the sole topic.

Make sure EVERYONE even brand new talkers has the chance to voice his or her opinion. Here are some bullet points to discuss under the topic of family values:

Ask yourselves these questions:

*These are adapted from Rachel at A Mother Far From Home:

What qualities do you value in other families, celebrities or friends?

How do you want everyone to feel when you all are at home?

How do you spend your time together and apart?

Are there character flaws in others that drive us bananas?

What do we find ourselves repeating over and over again? (Besides, “Get your shoes on!”)

Reflect on the values you and your partner grew up with.

If your family never went through this practice of discovering your family values, write down ideas and words that you feel emanated from your childhood.

For example, when I reflect on my childhood and teenhood, my family ate dinner together around the table every night so family time was a strong value. I had to call my dad from a payphone at every location I went to after a football game so safety was another value. My husband’s family went on some really cool trips around the country so exploration, adventure, and family togetherness were some of their core values.

Think about the things you did and the advice your parents gave to you while you lived with them.

How do you spend your time together and apart?

Have everyone yell out what you do together as a family such as play games, go to sporting events, camp, hike, etc. Then, focus on what the kids are allowed to do on their own. What do you and your partner do when the family isn’t around?

Discuss major life decisions everyone has made.

Think back to the big decisions you have made individually or as a family.

Recently, we let our kids make their own decision to switch schools that would be a better fit for their personalities and the way they learn. From that decision alone, we could see that our values are self-sufficiency, creative education, and spontaneity.

Step 2: Write Out a Mission Statement or Manifesto

This doesn’t have to be difficult. So you don’t have to reinvent the wheel, I created a Pinterest Board with many examples and ideas. Find one you like and tweak it to fit your values. *Don’t forget to click on “follow” when you’re there!

In this free printable where you can write down your family values, there’s a space in the middle to include your mission statement!

Step 3: Point out Strengths and Weaknesses

Figure out what you do well as a family and other areas where you could improve. Make sure you’re pointing out more strengths than weaknesses.

Also, acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses that everyone displays; try to avoid only pointing out your kids’ flaws.

Pssst: I have a printable that helps you figure out and record your kids’ strengths. You can download here when you sign up or my newsletter!

Step 4: Use a List of Values

The last step is to write down your values!

The easiest way to do this is to use a list as a reference. I created a free printable with lots and lots of values to choose from that you can download.

In the download, there is also a sheet where you can write down your values divided by categories. This helps you keep things a little balanced if that is what floats your family’s boat, of course!

Family Values Categories

When looking at multiple lists of core and family values, I kept noticing that they fit into categories. This is probably a good place to start so this process of defining your family values isn’t so cumbersome.

Values can be broken down into these categories:

Spiritual, Faith, Morals and Ethics
Social – Friends and Family
Work and Play
Education
Time
Character
Financial
Health
Entertainment and Technology

Display Your Values For All To See

Once you have nailed down what your family values are, either type them up or write them down on the printable I made for you. We hang a lot of these types of things on our command center in our kitchen to have easy access and visibility.

Besides writing them down and looking at them, make sure you are living your values out daily. Refer to them often and allow them to shape your kids.

Family mission statement and family values printable

What Are Your Family Values?

Thinking back to last night when we were playing our game, I’m thankful that we value kindness, collaboration, cooperation, and love. All these things just make life a little sweeter.

Comment below and let me know what your values are. And if you wouldn’t mind share with your friends and family. Let’s all grow together!

February 18, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 50 Comments

To The Mom of “That Kid” Who Is Seen For His Behavior (Instead of His Character)

I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged and helpless. Since then, we let our son switch to a whole different kind of school that is made for kids who need to move, explore, and create! This is for the momma out there who sees the heart behind the behavior and a few things I’ve learned!!

It started when my son was two. Many times I would arrive at daycare at the end of a long day of work to see the teacher’s concerned face.

I knew what was coming.

She would tell me all about the behaviors he displayed. That he didn’t follow directions. He moved too much. He couldn’t focus. The best was when a teacher said, “I don’t know what to do with your son. Time-outs work for all the other kids, but not for him.”

The sweet teacher would explain that he sits in the corner of the room laughing instead of feeling bad about his actions. As soon as he came out of time-out, he would be worse than before. “We talk to him sternly, we clearly tell him what the consequence will be, but nothing works.”

Her words were very hard to swallow for the perfectionistic, rule-following mom that I am.

Therefore, this was my interpretation: “Hey lady, you have the bad kid.”

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Then in PreK, the teacher would “discipline” AKA, punish him, by making him clean up after the whole class for knocking blocks down or not staying on the big round carpet. Or he would be scolded for folding paper and creating crazy creations instead of coloring inside the lines.

I know now that he’s not an inside-the-lines kind of human. But yet, that’s what he’s been forced to do his whole school life.

In Kindergarten, I often heard about his behavior and inability to follow instructions. Then that continued on through First Grade causing him to lose recess often. His teachers were always very nice when speaking to me, but the words would go straight to this momma’s heart.

The defensive thoughts would circle around inside my head like a violent tornado…

I don’t know how I can help from home when I’m not there. We work hard to model good behavior at home. He’s not exposed to bad language, images, or anything of that nature. We talk to him. We pray with him. We go to church and love God. He knows how to make good choices. We eat family dinner together every single night. I can’t force him to sit still in school. I can’t shield him from every negative influence from outside of our home. He plays like one hour of video games A WEEK, never watches YouTube and we don’t even turn the TV on Monday through Friday. What else do they want me to do?

Thankfully, he had teachers in both Second and Third who started to peel back the layers and saw our son for his strengths first. But still, the school environment was challenging for him.

I felt like my husband and I were doing everything we could to help our child, but yet, the emails, calls, and principal visits continued to happen.

What else was there to do?

(In retrospect, it really wasn’t that often nor were the “offenses” ever that bad. It just felt bad.)

Then Something Happened…

Before I knew anything about the developing brain and only went by how society, in general, viewed behavior, I wasted a ton of air correcting and telling my child how he “should” act. I also wasted a ton of stickers, gummy bears and reward charts.

I never once asked, “Why is he acting this way?”

Or…

“How Can I Help?”

Then I came across a podcast, Tilt Parenting, hosted by who has become one of my favorite humans on this planet (although I’ve never met her)! Every episode had a psychologist, teacher, advocate, doctor or mental health professional explaining concepts in ways that completely shifted or what the host calls tilted the way I thought.

Most of the time, I would listen to or read the books mentioned. With every bite of research and information I chewed off, a reframe began.

This, in turn, changed the way I viewed my child.

More importantly, it changed the way I treated my son.

During the same timeframe, while scrolling through Instagram, a photographer I followed suggested reading “The Whole-Brain Child”.

I couldn’t get through it fast enough before moving on to “No-Drama Discipline”, both by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. And I’m currently reading their new book, “The Power of Showing Up.“

It was the first time I removed all of my preconceptions of how a child should behave and all the other “shoulds” I was exposed to by society growing up. Instead, I realized what was actually going on underneath the surface and in my son’s brain, mind and body. Also, I gained awareness of my own brain, mind and body.

That’s when a paradigm shift happened.

My son began to change as well. Not necessarily the surface behaviors in school, but in how he trusted us, how safe he felt, how he treated others and how he viewed the world.

We saw his strengths first instead of his weaknesses.

It felt like when Mary pulled back all the vines to discover the door to the Secret Garden. We spent years pulling those vines down and what was behind the wooden gate was beautiful. A precious little boy with a kind and compassionate heart.

Here is a quick rundown of what caused this change in thinking:

Learning phrases and concepts such as “behavior is communication”, and “kids do well if they can”, in addition to implementing Plan B.
There is a difference between “can’t” and “doesn’t want to.”
How to “connect and redirect.”
What executive functioning and self-regulation are.
How to support a child through scaffolding.
That praising my son by telling him “good job” can demotivate instead of encourage and motivate him.
A “disorder” diagnosis does not mean there is a deficiency or inadequacy.
That behavior is “top down” (driven by thought, logic and reasoning) or “bottom up” (driven by instinct).
There can be developmental advancements and developmental delays all in one brain.
The environment is the thing that needs to change, not the child. Also, I learned to communicate to my child that he is “not the problem.”
How to be my child’s emotion coach so he can develop Emotional Intelligence.
Lastly, that my son, who learned his alphabet, colors, and songs much later than his peers, but at an early age, was very empathic and could take anything apart and build very complicated structures out of paper was Twice Exceptional.

Related: Why Praise Doesn’t Work To Motivate Kids And What We Can Do Instead

Any time I would slip up and divert to my stern voice, I would be reciprocated with what I used to think was attitude and disrespect. Now I know, it’s the way he handles stress.

Instead of focusing on correction and correction and correcting more with little results, we became more intentional in connecting first which has built a very strong relationship. Having a strong relationship with my child matters for his psychological, emotional, and physical well-being. And for mine too.

I know we’re only hitting the very beginning stages of the adolescent years and his brain is getting ready to go through some serious changes, but I’m armed and ready with the knowledge that will hopefully continue to shape the way we parent.

To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

I see you. I understand. I feel you.

I know how your chest and hands feel when you see the school’s number pop up on your phone during school hours, even if it’s because a teacher wants to tell you something positive.

I know what it’s like to see your child’s heart and know she wants to do well, but yet, it not feel like that when she is in someone else’s care.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the one misbehaving and that sinking emotion of feeling like you are the one being sent to the principal’s office.

I know what it’s like when people think you’re “that crazy mom who thinks her child could do no wrong”. (Which by the way, I do NOT because believe me, I get frustrated and experience the behaviors, too, I just see the behaviors in a different light. One that is more helpful).

I know what it feels like to worry that if your child is treated (intentionally or unintentionally) like a bad kid he or she will become a bad kid.

I know what it’s like to feel sad when your child keeps getting in trouble.

I know what it’s like to want the best for your child.

I know what it’s like to think the teachers think you’re making excuses for your child because “he’s smart” and is “perfectly capable” of behaving better if he wanted to. (I have no idea if this is the truth, but this is the narrative I tell myself. And if they do think those thoughts, that’s great, but not the truth).

I know that in order for your child to learn, he needs to fail and make mistakes. And I know it can make you feel like a crappy parent.

I know what it feels like to allow mom guilt to eat away at you.

I know what it feels like to be verbally attacked because your child is misunderstood.

I know what it’s like to sit in the car and ugly cry while feeling hopeless.

But I also know what it’s like to champion your kid despite what others feel and see. I know that in order to advocate you need to walk the fine line of empowering and enabling. I know what it’s like to see the incredible compassionate kind heart underneath the surface and to see the resiliency forming and the grit emerging.

And that one day, your child will change the world if he or she sees himself through the same lens you and your husband do.

The Truth

My son will probably never color inside the lines and that is more than okay.

He has been fearfully, wonderfully, uniquely… and exceptionally made. Through his spirit, he has taught many people, I included, more than I could ever imagine about creativity, innovation, curiosity, humor, perspective and what it’s like to take risks.

He is more than his behavior.

Parenting isn’t easy, but with the right mindset and knowledge, we can push through what looks like a pile of weeds, vines and bushes and find the beauty within.

February 15, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 23 Comments

11 Ways To Build A Strong Parent-Child Relationship (Through Connection)

I posted a photo about connecting before correcting behavior on Facebook and got a comment from a mama who said, “I was so good at this in my classroom with other people’s kids, but with my own I am horrible. I truly want to be better but need help with how this looks at home.” “I’m sure this sounds so silly but [connection] is so different and difficult for me.” Not silly at all, my friend. It’s hard to find the right balance of discipline and connection that creates a strong parent-child relationship.

It has taken me years to get to the point where my focus is on the relationship with my kids, not necessarily if they do everything I ask in the amount of time I think they should do it in. Or if they obey perfectly.

Because the relationship is what will last. A strong parent-child relationship is what creates security. And when a child feels safe, he or she is able to take healthy risks, be creative and truly live to their full potential.

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

All humans are wired with a strong sense of needing to love and be loved.

When kids have a secure relationship with their parents, the foundation is being built for their behavior, values, personality, and traits.

Here are specific benefits to a strong and positive parent-child relationship:

These kinds of relationships lead to children being able to have healthy relationships from childhood through adulthood.
When kids feel safe and loved, they gain higher levels of confidence.
It increases self-esteem.
Children are able to develop much healthier cognitive, emotional and social skills.
A strong parent-child bond usually leads to that child being able to face adversity better and develop resilience.

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Strengthening your relationship with your kids can happen all the time from when you are spending quality time together and everyone is happy to the times when kids are disobeying and you’re about to lose your mind.

I divided this list of ways to connect with your child into two categories – before correction and during the other times you are intentionally spending time with your child.

Connection Before Correction

Experts say that kids should experience five positives to every one negative! Just as I talk about in this post about connecting before correcting behavior, kids will respond much better to discipline if they feel like you are on their side and understand them first.

How do we do this?

Keep in mind that every parent-child relationship is extremely unique due to personalities, culture and everything in between. You may have one child who loathes being touched when he’s mad and another who needs a hug when she’s sad. Do what works best for YOU and for your particular child you are connecting with.

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

Did you get that? Ha!

The caveat is to not over-empathize, but rather, give enough so your child knows you see and hear him or her. Validate those feelings!

Seriously though, let’s say my spouse is upset with something I did. I’m going to be far more receptive to actually listen to him without having a gazillion arguments in my head to shoot back IF he empathizes first. I want to know he understands my motive and my heart.

The same goes for our kids.

Honestly, they should get an extra hall pass because their prefrontal cortex where all the rational thought and good decision-making happens doesn’t fully develop until they are in their mid-twenties. Not that it’s an excuse to not be responsible for their actions, however, they may need some tools and skills to help them strengthen their neural pathways, which requires understanding from you.

When your son or daughter looks at you blankly after you asked, “Why in the world would you do that?” It’s not because they wanted to disobey, they probably truly do not know. The impulse control in their brain was probably temporarily shut off.

Empathy should be the go-to whenever your kids face any challenge. You don’t need to solve their problems, but instead, put yourself in their shoes and let them know you get it. For example, if your son comes home from school and is in tears because his teacher yelled at him, empathize with him before unpacking what happened.

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

Could you imagine having a person two feet taller than you looking down and correcting your every move? It would feel like you’re Jack and the Giant is peering down on you ready to stomp on you. Pretty intimidating, right?

Any time you need to correct behavior, before you do, get down on or below your child’s eye level and communicate comfort and safety. This could be a gentle hand on his or her shoulder, a nice smile or a hug.

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

Praise the Lord for my husband who often reminds me of this one. My go-to is to over-explain and do a dissertation of what just happened.

If a child is shut down including showing big feelings like anger, sadness or frustration, there is no reason to talk because they can’t process what you are saying. Instead, listen to what they have to say without judgment.

Psssst: Your child may need tools to help calm down. A calm down or “mad” box can be extremely helpful or you can download this free Calm Down Toolbox printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

4. Become a Sportscaster

This tool has been extremely useful in our house for both discipline and meaningful praise. It’s super easy and barely takes any thought from you. Simply repeat what you see just like a sportscaster does when explaining what’s going on during a game.

For example, “Johnny, I see that you just hit your sister. I see that you are very frustrated that she took your puzzle.” Pause and wait for Johnny to talk. If he doesn’t, then you can continue with empathy to figure out why he behaved in that way.

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

Now that you know how to connect with your child during discipline, let’s focus on building a strong relationship by being intentional with the time you spend together. Kids need to know you like them. Depending on the personality match, you may not understand your child, but it’s important that you find a way to truly enjoy being with him or her.

5. Play!

Kids learn through play. Okay, so playing tea party or superheroes may not be your cup of tea. And that’s okay!

Find an activity your child likes that you ALSO ENJOY doing.

For me, I can play board games all day long. There are instructions and rules to follow making it easy for me to have fun with my kids. Now, if you hand me a Nerf gun and tell me to pretend like I’m a bad guy, it’s not going to be enjoyable for me making it harder to make the kind of connection I want with my kids.

6. Quality One-On-One Time

There are many different names you can call this time with your child. In our family, we call it FOCUS Time which stands for Focus on Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time together. Basically, we carve out one-on-one time to do something non-technology related so we can really enjoy each other’s company.

It has been our secret weapon to keeping sibling fights and misbehaviors down to a minimum. Because it can be hard to come up with ideas of what to do, I created a Quality Time Printable with 60+activities to do with your child.

7. Hug!

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” ~ Virginia Satir

As kids grow older, it may not be as natural to hug them or make sure they are receiving some positive touch throughout their day. However, studies show that this not only connects you but it also promotes better health.

Hugs are proven to have a plethora of benefits including increased immunity, better heart health, more feelings of happiness, reduced stress and fears, and boosted communication.

I heard Dr. Kelli Harding, author of The Rabbit Effect, say that research shows that a hug should be at least 20 seconds long to make kids healthier. My 10-year-old boy finds this quite awkward, however, he humors me!

8. Bedtime Bonding

With each of our boys, our bedtime ritual is one of my favorites. Although I’m tired, I intentionally turn off my to-do list and focus on being fully present, even if it’s for five minutes or less.

Read books, build a puzzle, tell stories, journal together or simply snuggle. This time doesn’t have to be very long. However, it will have a life-long impact on your child.

9. Eat Dinner Together

Growing up, my dad and stepmom did something that impacted me greatly. They made sure we had family dinner together every night. No matter what our sports schedules were like or how much they both worked, we sat together as a family and had a meal.

Family dinners have so many brain benefits amongst being good for the body and soul. Kids build bigger vocabularies, eat healthier and feel like they’re part of something bigger than themselves. This is where family culture can really bloom.

According to the Washington Post, “Researchers concluded that regular family dinners were associated with lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts. In a very recent study, kids who had been victims of cyberbullying bounced back more readily if they had regular family dinners.”

Last week during dinner, my husband randomly asked the boys what they wanted to be for Halloween even though it’s nine months away. We spent the next 15 minutes coming up with the funniest family costumes. There was so much laughter my heart could explode.

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

I wrote a long post about how saying, “Good job” to our kids over and over again can actually demotivate our kids. Instead, focus on giving effort-based praised and focus on how hard your children are working instead of how amazing they are to really build them up. Having support like this is a surefire way to create a strong parent-child connection.

Bonus: Download your free Encouragement Through Praise Printable when you sign up for my newsletter.

11. Disconnect to Connect

I’m super passionate about this one. Technology is both a blessing and truly a curse. It’s replacing eye contact, person-to-person interaction and the human connection that a developing brain needs.

I have been working on being fully present anytime I’m spending time with my boys. I didn’t even think I was on my phone that much until my toddler pointed it out. Ouch!

Not only will this model for my kids how to have a healthy relationship with technology, but it will allow us to work on our relationship with each other.

A great way to do limit the time we spend on technology is to keep your phone on the charger in a bedroom, turn off ALL sound notifications, or designate certain times or rooms in your house as no-phone zones.

And when technology is not present, we can truly savor our time together without interruptions.

Related: Why You Should Stop Buying Tech Toys For Your Kids According to Experts

The Reward

How do you envision your relationship with your children as they grow?

I had someone say to me once that for two-thirds of their children’s lives, they will know them as adults. This is, of course, if everyone lives a full life. They went on to say that they want to be good friends with their adult children. The way we get there is by working on the relationship now. Yes, parents are responsible for teaching kids the way they should go, instilling values, correcting behaviors and helping them make tough decisions, but this can all be done with connection in mind, not an iron fist.

A parent-child relationship doesn’t have to be one full of contention. Instead, it can be one that reaps great (positive) rewards.

Let’s Connect

I would love to CONNECT (see what I did there! Ha!) with you!!! Comment below and don’t forget to share this post by using the social share buttons. THANK YOU!

February 12, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 22 Comments

The Very First Thing Parents Must Do Before Correcting Behavior (To Get Kids to Listen)

Inside: Correcting behavior teaches kids many life skills. Besides making life easier for us, the parents, the real reason we do it is to teach kids how they should live in this world. Learn how to CONNECT before you CORRECT!

I have three boys. Read: three energetic, don’t think before they act, fun-loving, intense boys ranging from 10 years old to three!

Our life is loud, chaotic and a little cray cray.

It’s not abnormal for balls to be bouncing, nerf bullets and paper airplanes to be flying and RC cars to be driven down the hallways of our house. The way our boys are learning about how to live in this world is through playing, fighting with each other and testing boundaries.

If I went into every situation correcting every little misbehavior and telling them or yelling (which is very unproductive) orders, first of all, I would be exhausted. And second of all, I wouldn’t get very far as this approach is proven to be ineffective with kids unless you do something before the correction.

The Secret To Getting Kids to Listen

An analogy I heard before compared parenting to fighting fires. Firefighters don’t run into a burning building, but instead, they walk while remaining calm.

When you see your child doing something wrong or unwanted according to your rules and values, the go-to is to “~~run~~ sprint into the burning flames” and correct that behavior, right? But often, as soon as you jump to correcting, your child may appear that he or she isn’t listening. The shut-off button has been pressed.

There’s actually a reason for this. It’s not because your child is disrespecting you or not wanting to make the right choice. Yet, many parents see it this way. The reason is that instead of viewing the misbehavior as something he or she did wrong that must be fixed, developmentally, your ethnocentric child becomes defensive and goes into protection mode.

So what is the secret to preventing the shut-off button from being activated?

The answer is: connection.

Connecting Before Correcting Behavior

I first learned about connecting before correcting when reading No-Drama Discipline by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

I’m not going to lie, at first, it didn’t seem natural to stop what I was doing, connect with my child AND THEN correct what he was doing. And it was also unnatural for my husband who thought that there should be a consequence for every wrong move.

As we took this approach though we found that we didn’t have to correct as often because our kids began to self-correct and self-regulate! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!

Also, it was extremely rewarding to experience a really close relationship forming with each of our boys.

This whole connecting with your child thing does take a little more effort. At least until you retrain your brain to resort to connection before correction. And while your kids get used to not just being told what to do right away. The good news is the more you approach behavior this way, the faster it will become!

Why Should We Connect Before We Correct Our Children?

Brain science (and honestly, the Bible sure has signs of this all throughout scripture) tells us that people are wired for connection and love.

Connection is human nature.

Research has proven that children learn best (mature, grow, thrive, and can become resilient) when they have a sense of belonging and significance.

I don’t know about you, but I have this innate need to be included, too. So imagine how much bigger that need is in a developing child.

There are three benefits to connecting before correcting behavior:

Short-Term Benefit: In the moment, kids can move from a defensive, reactive state to a receptive one! They must be willing to listen in order to listen.
Long Term Benefit: Connection wires those neural pathways and builds a stronger, better brain.
Relational Benefit: It creates a strong parent-child bond that is hard to break.

“Kids must be willing to listen in order to listen.”

Lastly, when you yell, nag, shame or constantly correct, this causes a child to go straight into his or her stress response of fight, flight, freeze or faint. It’s impossible for kids to make good choices when they are in this reactive mode.

How Does Connection Happen?

We know that connecting before correcting behavior has many benefits and will help your child feel secure and safe with you.

But what does connecting even mean?

Connection is when a person is linked to or associated with another person. If you read between the lines of this simplified definition, you will see, safety. In order to reach this level, three things need to happen:

1. Let the Past Go

First, we may have been raised in an environment that was the complete opposite of this connection model. And that’s okay! However, it does impact the way we parent whether we like it or not.

Not only does it impact our behaviors based on what we saw growing up, but it also wired our brains.

Have you ever freaked out on your kids and then thought, “Holy Wow! Where the heck did that come from??!” Ya, I definitely have and as I scan my childhood through reflection, I realize that there were experiences from my childhood that caused me to flip a switch to crazy mom. But because I know this, it can’t be used as an excuse because of something called neuroplasticity. This means the brain can CHANGE until the day we die! Say What?!

In order to make a change in the way you view your role as a parent and how you should correct your child’s behavior, you must make sense of your past and heal those memories. Or be intentional in forgetting them so you can connect in the way you want to with your child.

2. Be a Detective

Instead of jumping to conclusions about your child’s (what may seem to you as bizarre) actions, pause for a moment to figure out the “Why”.

Think about the reason behind the behavior.

A lot of times, my kids are unable to listen or make good choices because their brain chemicals are out of wack. I read in The Self-Driven Child that 90% of our children’s behaviors are chemical! Ever since reading that, I am able to acknowledge when my son’s dopamine is super low (or high) or the cortisol is pumping creating a lot of anger.

Other reasons for your child’s unwanted or misbehavior can also be because he or she is tired, hungry, bored or experiencing emotions he or she doesn’t know what to do with.

Put your detective hat on and focus on why your child is not listening. Don’t stop there either. Have a conversation about why you think these behaviors are happening and what your child can do instead.

Just as I was writing this, one of my sons told me that he feels like he hears noise when I speak but for some reason, he doesn’t always make sense of the meaning behind what I’m saying. He has always been extremely self-aware so he continued by saying that he’s pretty sure it’s his ADHD. We were then able to discuss what I could do so he could hear me better and what changes he could make to ensure the information was processed.

3. Watch Your Tone!

This part deserves an exclamation point because it’s so easy to overlook. When speaking to your child or correcting behavior, don’t only pay attention to your words but HOW you are saying them and what you look like when you are talking.

Side Note: Have you ever done the mirror trick? Next time you are angry or frustrated, run to a mirror to see what you look like. That may be the ticket you need to change your demeanor or simply laugh at yourself. It works for me!

Kids pick up on the nonverbal cues much more than the words that are spoken to them. My husband always says he can’t be this little happy fairy with a sweet voice when things need to get done. However, he’s learning that his tone of voice really affects whether or not our boys listen to him and correct their behavior. It’s like that infamous meme of a mom’s voice turning into Batman’s voice. Ya, let’s try not to get to that point because it doesn’t usually help our cause.

4. Proactively Connect

It sounds so simple and yet can feel so hard.

Once you get in the habit of jumping to connecting first to respond instead of react, I promise, it will become second nature.

There are many ways you can connect with a child before, during, and after a storm that I will discuss in a separate post.

In general, though, a great way to check in with your kids on a consistent basis to build a strong foundation of connection is to have Family Meetings. I can not express how much these have helped our family in so many ways.

Discussing rules, values and our calendar every week has decreased misbehaviors, increased a positive family culture, allowed our kids to feel like they matter and more importantly connected with us in a way that will be pretty stinking hard to break. I dare you (I’m totally kidding because I completely cower in the face of conflict).

If you want to start Family Meetings and don’t know where to start, you can download my free Family Meeting Agenda here! or by filling out the form below.

What Are the Ways You Connect?

I would love to see how you connect with your kids. Tag me on social media or send me a private message. If you found this article helpful in correcting behavior, please feel free to share by using the share buttons below.

February 9, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 40 Comments

7 Attributes Kids Need to Build Resilience & Overcome Challenges

As parents, we spend so much time teaching manners, correcting behavior, providing ways to make our kids happy, maybe complaining about their behaviors and doing all the things, but why?! If you are like me and strive to raise good humans who can overcome challenges, love others and be interdependent, the absolute best way to do this is by helping our kids build resilience.

build resilience and overcome challenges

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Think of how you build a 1000-piece puzzle.

The first thing you do is find the corner and flat edge pieces to build the outer edges. The border represents the safe boundaries and limitations we need to set for our kids to live inside.

The next step is to look at the box as a reference as you sort the same colored pieces. The picture on the box is the map we give to our kids – the tools, skills, and ideas of how to live a fulfilling life.

Lastly, are the rest of the pieces. These bad boys belong to our children to move around and eventually connect. The act of picking up the pieces, figuring out how they fit together, learning how to overcome challenges, and making bold decisions all within the boundaries we set for them is how they develop resilience.

I did not make this analogy up but rather, recently heard it from Dr. Ken Ginsburg, Director of Programs at Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

It perfectly illustrates our role as parents that’s easy to remember so we can keep ourselves in check. We need to make sure the border isn’t missing any pieces and that we are allowing our kids to put the rest of the puzzle together regardless of how hard of a challenge.

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how kids build resilience and why it’s important, especially in parenting, I want to break down how stress affects the brain.

When a person faces a challenge, or adversity or experiences something hard, the brain interprets that as stress. All of the alerts and signals go out through neurotransmitters and biochemicals to prepare the body to be better, stronger, and more capable. However, this process is intended to be very short-term.

If the brain continues to release those biochemicals including cortisol and adrenaline, the immune and other systems in the body and brain begin to weaken. This is why when we are under a ton of stress, we often get sick or get a massive headache that won’t go away. That’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay, we need to gain control here!”

What also happens is that the prefrontal cortex, also known as the command center or thinker part of the brain, essentially turns off. That’s not a good thing because this is the part of the brain that needs to be activated in order to make rational decisions, organize thoughts and actions, think creatively, and regulate emotions.

The prefrontal cortex brings calm to the chaos.

When a child (who will later become an adult) can develop resilience, this means that he or she is able to overcome challenges, recover from stress, and turn his or her prefrontal cortex back on quicker and more efficiently.

It’s pretty stinking cool!

The more that this happens, the stronger those neural pathways become, resulting in our kids being able to adapt to, recover from, and resolve conflict, failure,e or other forms of stress. Booyah!

What Is Resilience?

Children need to be able to cope with change and overcome challenges.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard situations, manage stress, solve problems, and recover from failure.

In today’s society, it seems to be very common for parents to bubblewrap their kids by over-protecting, over-involving themselves, and doing way too much. I say, parents, which includes me! There’s no shame in that! I think the reason stems from an enormous amount of love mixed with social conformity and a need for control.

However (you knew that was coming, right?!), what this bubble wrap is doing is keeping our kids’ brains from being able to manage stress, overcome challenges, and make their own choices.

Most parents would say that they want their kids to be happy. I often hear moms saying they want to give their kids “the world”. The absolute best way to do this is to help them develop resilience! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

Typically if a child develops resiliency, he or she will grow up as an adult who is ABLE to handle stress, challenges, failures, and whatever other lemons are thrown at them. Or is it lemons that are given to them?! Anyhoo, when children are able to develop the ability to be resilient, research has shown that they are able to make braver choices, be curious and creative, and most importantly, create a bigger wave of positivity in this world.

According to The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, kids who build resilience develop more positive relationships, healthy brain development, and better self-regulation skills.

Instead of focusing on the specific strategies and things you can do to teach kids resilience, I wanted to unpack the attributes Dr. Ken Ginsburg calls the 7 Essential C’s of Building Resilience.

1. Competence

All humans have a need to feel competent.

Innately, children want to not only know how to do something but also experience it for themselves. In The Self-Driven Child, the authors call competence an internal barometer of accomplishment.

Competence is more than just kids believing in their own abilities, but rather, actually taking action and living out those abilities.

For some reason, a lot of parents often lean towards doing most tasks for their kids. This may be because they fear failure, they think this is what a parent’s role is, or because it’s quicker, easier, and faster. However, when this happens, parents are stripping away their children’s ability to be able to handle situations on their own and gain a sense of accomplishment.

A great way to help kids become competent is to focus on their strengths instead of deficits in everything they do including the choices they make, behaviors they display, the way they solve problems, and how they treat others.

2. Confidence

When kids feel competent…drum roll, please…confidence develops.

According to Fostering Resilience, “Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special or precious. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges.”

This kind of confidence comes from kids knowing that they have an adult really believing in them. And this isn’t the adult saying, “Good job” until he or she is blue in the face. Instead, it’s when parents encourage their children to work harder and are there to talk with and walk through challenges.

Bonus! Sign up for my newsletter and receive free strength-based printables with phrases that encourage kids through effort-based praise instead of empty praise AND a worksheet that helps you figure out your child’s strengths so you can build upon them.

overcoming challenges through mother son connection

3. Connection

If you’ve been around me in person or online, you know that I wholeheartedly believe in the power of connection. If our kids feel connected to us first, everything else falls in line and parenting doesn’t have to feel so stinking hard.

If kids feel like they are seen, safe, and heard, they are more likely to make better choices, be creative, and take risks.

Connections made with not only parents but also community members, friends, extended family, teachers, and coaches show kids that they really matter. That life is worth living.

Then, a sense of security is created that later becomes the prevention of more harmful or destructive choices in life for a myriad of reasons.

4. Character

Kids need to understand and gain a sense of what is right and wrong. Regardless of what your individual family’s values are, it’s important that your kids know them and more importantly, see you living those values out.

Although your kids’ beliefs may change, being part of a family that has a strong sense of who they are is powerful. It provides the backbone for his or her character. A great time to reiterate your beliefs and values is during family meetings.

How your kids act when you’re not around is a good indicator of their character. If the way they behave away from you doesn’t fall in line with your family’s values, take some time to do character-building.

One of my favorite ways we have done this is by teaching our kids how to have a strong sense of gratitude. Sometimes they still appear as if they are ungrateful children, but for the most part, they are thankful for all the blessings in their lives.

5. Contribution

Something magical happens when children realize the world is a better place because they are part of it!

Take a look at how most schools motivate kids. They resort to physical rewards like stickers, treasure box items, and other empty verbal praise. However, the research shows that these extrinsic motivators actually can demotivate kids because once they’re gone, there is no reason to keep engaging in that behavior. Also, some kids may feel like they will never receive those rewards so they don’t bother trying. We have seen that time and time again with our boys.

Instead, the focus should be getting kids to intrinsically motivate themselves from the inside out. When a child begins to understand the importance of personal contribution, he or she can truly find their purpose. And when anyone has a sense of purpose, motivation to do better comes naturally and is there to stay.

Lastly, contribution isn’t just about giving but also helping kids to learn how to be good receivers as well.

build resilience in kids by giving them life skills

6. Coping Skills

All people need to learn how to effectively cope with and work through stress. If not, it becomes too much for the body and brain. This is why emotion coaching is so important. Kids need to know it’s healthy to express emotions but then know how to manage those emotions.

Coping skills include the choices that someone makes to overcome challenges. Do they resort to negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to bandaid their feelings or do they have another way to work through those problems?

This is such a gift all parents can give their kids. Not all things work out the way we want them to so we need to have a Plan B, C, and sometimes even D!

7. Control

I see this as a culprit for contention in parent-child relationships all the time!

Every human is born with a sense of needing to have control over their own lives. However, a lot of parents misinterpret their role of being responsible for their kids. They feel the need to fully control their kid’s choices, behaviors, and actions.

When children have control over their own lives, they know that when a challenge arises, they have the power to bounce back. Powerful, right?

Ginsburg says, “A young person who feels ‘everything always happens to me’ tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. He sees control as external—whatever he does really doesn’t matter because he has no control of the outcome.” [source]

When we look at it that way, it makes handing over the reins to our kids a little easier. Again, as long as we still have the boundaries and limitations in place to protect their choices and guide them in the way they should go.

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

In order for our children to build resilience, we must be intentional. Instead of jumping to reactive mode, take time to connect with your child first and let them know you believe in them. Support the decisions your kids make and give them the opportunity to build their masterpiece puzzle within the flat edge pieces you build around them.

The more they work on all of these skills, the easier it will be for them to pick themselves up every time they get knocked down.

January 23, 2020 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 76 Comments

7 Ways Kids Can Develop Self-Awareness Skills (That Also Help With Kindness & Empathy!)

We were having a heck of a time with one of our kids until he started to develop self-awareness skills. Having a differently wired brain, he is developmentally delayed in empathy and understanding other people especially compared to other kids his age. He would get extremely explosive. As you can imagine, it started to take a toll on him and our whole family. We did everything we could to help him manage his big feelings.

Recently, I decided to teach him about his brain.

I’m not really sure what took me so long because learning facts is his jam. Earlier in the year, we read a Science Comics Book about the brain that we both loved, but I never thought of using that information to help him become aware of his emotions and actions.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

The day after he learned the hand model of the brain, he became aware of his big emotions and stopped all of his anger right in its tracks. Ever since he has been able to self-regulate much quicker.

Pssst: Does your child struggle with big emotions? Download this free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What is Self-Awareness?

Simply put, it’s becoming aware of one’s self.

For children, it’s important that we teach self-awareness skills such as knowing how their strengths, weaknesses, and personality affect their choices and the way they treat the people in their lives. When the child is receptive, it’s much easier for empathy to develop as he or she can better understand others. This then typically trickles down to being more kind.

Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

When kids are self-aware, they are able to understand themselves in relation to the world around them. Besides learning who they are as a person, self-awareness helps them dig a little deeper to decode how their emotions impact what they do.

Here are many benefits of self-awareness:

Higher levels of emotional intelligence
The ability to empathize, be more compassionate and kind
Better communication and listening skills
Critical thinking skills
The ability to make better decisions
Stronger relationships
Better leadership skills

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills

There are many ways to teach self-awareness, however, these are what I found to be the most effective ways.

1. Learn From You!

As in anything with parenting, our kids’ behaviors and actions begin with us! We cannot expect our children to do something when we do the opposite. They learn far more from our actions than our words.

I was just listening to Brene Brown’s, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting where she tells a story of her daughter calling herself an idiot for doing something wrong. She explained to her daughter that calling herself those names was unhelpful and led to shame. She then discussed other ways to work through that situation. But then while Brene was cooking spaghetti, she dropped the sauce spoon making a huge mess. As she picked up the spoon she said out loud, “I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid?” She then presents this question: What is a more powerful message? I’ll let you answer that one!

When it comes to teaching kids self-awareness skills, it’s important to model self-awareness yourself.

Use everyday moments to show your children how you handle situations.
When you are experiencing big emotions like anger or frustration, talk about those feelings and what you are planning on doing to overcome them.
Give yourself a calm-down time when the big feelings become overwhelming. It’s not uncommon for me to tell my kids, “I am getting very upset right now, so I’m going to leave the room and come back when I’m calm.”
Take time for yourself and let your kids see that you spend time processing life, praying or practicing mindfulness.

For You! Grab my Free Taking Care of MYSELF Ebook when you sign up for my newsletter here!

2. Learn How To Express Feelings

It has taken some time, but teaching my kids how to use “I” statements along with “Bug and a Wish” has been extremely helpful in developing their self-awareness skills.

“I” Statements

Help your children understand how the outside world and their external experiences affect their internal state. You do this by teaching them to use this statement:

“I feel _____(emotion)_____ when _____(the cause of the feeling)_____.”

For example, “I feel mad when you hit the back of my head.” By revealing the cause of the big feeling, your kids will have a better understanding of what they can do to make them feel better.

Bug and a Wish

This little trick comes from Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline. You teach your kids to say,

“It bugs me when _____(what the other person did)_____, I wish you would _____(the action you would like for that person to take)_____.”

For this phrase, we did need to create parameters such as no name-calling and that it needs to be genuine. When used correctly, it not only helps the other person understand what is going on, but it also gives the child saying the statement a deeper understanding of his or her own feelings.

teaching self-awareness skills through expressing feelings

3. Become Effective Problem Solvers

Another way kids can learn self-awareness skills is by coming up with solutions to their own problems.

Oftentimes when kids face a predicament, they look to us to fix it and we often do. Instead of jumping in to rescue our kids especially because the emotions are too much to handle, let your child work it out. This doesn’t mean you leave your kids in the wilderness to forge food for themselves but rather give them the tools needed.

Big Life Journals has many GREAT resources that are broken down by ages and stages that help you teach problem-solving skills to your children.

Here are some simple tips that teach kids how to tackle their own problems and how to be aware of their feelings through the process:

Help your kids learn how to pause before reacting (or over-reacting) to identify what the problem is.
Ask your kids to show you the hard part. By breaking it down, your kids will be able to process why they can’t come to a solution. Then with your guidance, they will be able to solve it themselves.
Use your child’s favorite characters by asking, “What would (insert characters such as Daniel Tiger or Harry Potter) do in this situation?”
Teach your kids how to come up with a few solutions right away. If they really can’t think of anything, give them a few options.
Become your child’s emotion coach by naming and validating their feelings, helping them process their emotions, and brainstorming solutions.

When kids can come up with their own solutions to problems, it allows them to be self-aware so they don’t have to rely on you.

4. Gain Estimation and Prediction Skills

This one is probably not something you typically think of when it comes to developing self-awareness skills in kids. However, it’s a great skill to learn especially with those who have executive functioning challenges.

Before doing something such as playing a game, doing homework, attending an event, performing in a sport or taking a test, have your kids predict how they will do.

timers help kids learn time management skills

Slowly, they will get a better sense of time and not drive you crazy when you’re trying to get out the door while they decide to start a new project that takes an hour instead of two minutes.

You can start simply by estimating how easy or difficult a task is before starting it. Having your kids gauge their own abilities so that they can later self-reflect is a great way to help them develop self-awareness skills in all areas of their lives.

5. Become Empathic

In our house, we have found that one of our kids was born altruistic and empathy comes naturally to him. Whereas, another son has needed to be taught.

Typically when a child can understand him or herself, understanding others becomes easier. However, I think empathy can also teach self-awareness skills, especially for kids who struggle with looking inward. They can use how others feel and act to reveal their own emotions and behaviors.

Gratitude also goes hand in hand with empathy and self-awareness. I created a Gratitude Toolkit for Kids to help them develop these skills. You can download it here!

6. Doing Self-Reflection

Every night before bed, my son and I take less than five minutes to write in his One Question a Day for Kids Journal. Every day has a prompt to help him self-reflect about his day, interests, or experiences. It also gets him to think about who he wants to become (not just what he wants to become!). My other son works on his Big Life Journal weekly which focuses on self-reflection as well as a growth mindset.

Self-reflection is the act of setting aside time every day to look at yourself as a person and whatever roles you fill. For example, with my sons, their self-reflection time acknowledges their lives as brothers, students, friends, sons, and energetic boys!

Reflecting back on how the day went is a great way for kids to dig deeper into who they are and who they are becoming.

7. Understand Their Own Brain

I ended with this one because it’s MY FAVORITE!

Surprisingly, this is not a common tip that comes up when searching for ways to teach kids self-awareness skills. However, as I mentioned in the opening story, it has been life-changing for my son to understand himself and understand others.

I wonder what people out in public think when they hear him telling me that his three-year-old brother’s amygdala needs to calm down. Ha!

However, this has been a strategy to help him understand his brother’s underdeveloped brain and why he goes from happy to sad to angry to mean within one minute.

The Hand Model of The Brain

A great way to teach kids about their brains is by using the hand model which comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s books, Parenting From the Inside Out and The Whole-Brain Child.

The thumb represents the amygdala which is the part of the brain that reacts when it perceives a threat, even if it’s only stress instead of actual danger. Explain there is no thought when this part of the brain is activated. It causes a person to react resulting in developing strong emotions such as anger, sadness or fear.

The fingers then represent the prefrontal cortex. It’s the “thinker” part of our brains. This is where organized thought, self-regulation, and focus are found.

When we are in a calm state, the brain is in a “fist” mode as the prefrontal cortex (the fingers) is gently resting on top of the amygdala (the thumb) allowing the person to think clearly.

As soon as the child perceives a threat that could be not getting his or her way, being told, “no”, getting hurt or even being unable to get a toy to work, the fingers open up causing the amygdala to be in charge. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping the lid”.

I explained to my son that when this happens, his stress response is triggered causing him to go into fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode. I then asked him which of those he thinks his go-to is and he immediately responded with, “FIGHT!”

Growth Mindset

One more layer of teaching kids about their brains is to talk about how they are wired for GROWTH! Discuss the growth mindset thinking versus fixed mindset to help expand their abilities and learning capabilities.

Self-Awareness Can Make a BIG Difference

Helping your children become self-aware can affect the way they live in this world. Self-awareness improves self-esteem, allows kids to become good problem solvers, helps them to recognize and correct mistakes, helps them become empathic, develops a growth mindset, and cultivates resiliency.

In conclusion, kids develop self-awareness skills by:

Learning from you and other important adults in their lives.
Learning how to express feelings.
Becoming effective problem solvers.
Gaining estimation and prediction skills.
Becoming empathic towards others.
Doing self-reflection every day.
Understanding their own brain.

What Are Your Thoughts on Self-awareness?

I’d love to know how you teach self-awareness to your kids. Are they self-aware of their actions, thoughts, and feelings?

If you think this could benefit someone in your life, it would mean the world to me if you shared it…simply use the buttons below!

December 16, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 54 Comments

Why You Should Stop Buying Tech Toys For Your Kids According to Experts

I have breaking news!! Kids do not need high tech toys and gadgets for development, self-regulation, and executive functioning or to make them learn faster or better!

What babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and school-aged kids really need is human interaction. They also need ways to expand their minds.

Tech toys impact kids’ developing brains in ways that may not be beneficial.

This post contains affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.

Hours.

This is how long our firstborn would sit building train tracks and pushing his trains down our long hallway. Wood, plastic, metal. Name brand or generic. All he cared about was if the pieces connected and how long of a track he could build.

Give him building blocks and he would create the largest structures with stories of how they were skyscrapers, spaceships or robots.

Then at around age three, he discovered paper, which provided him with a whole new world of creativity as he folded, cut and taped. When he was four-years-old, he would make semi-trucks complete with moving steering wheels, trailers and quads or motorcycles, all out of paper! If a material was foldable, it would become a paper airplane or origami animal. I’ll never forget going to the bathroom and finding the toilet paper folded as a jet while still on the holder.

I recently came across a video of him when he was three years old inside a large box pretending to be a robot. Oh, how I miss that age and his budding imagination. He was spinning in circles because he “ran out of batteries.”

Today, although he is ten, you can still find him covered in paper and cardboard making the latest and greatest invention to use or wear.

Our middle son didn’t build as much, but he would spend hours talking to his stuffed animals. Every animal had a first, middle, and last name, interests, and an array of emotions. And if he wasn’t playing with those, his time was spent building puzzles or blocks. To this day, he still spends a lot of his time building anything he can get his hands on.

Also, since they didn’t have the option to play video games and we had access to some great libraries, they loved to read.

All of our boys have been able to allow their creativity to flourish with very simple materials, toys, and books. Without even realizing it, they have been working hard on developing very important life skills.

Yes, we do own toys like Dash the Robot, the Harry Potter Coding Wand, and Fire Tablets.

Nevertheless, what we have found is exactly what researchers and pediatricians are telling parents about how tech toys impact kids.

Tech Toys Are Not Needed For Kids’ Development

Kids do not need the latest and greatest high-tech toys or gadgets to keep them busy, help their brains develop or make them smarter.

In fact, the opposite may be true!

Flashing lights, bright colors, and the latest and greatest “educational” toys seem like they’re a really good idea especially for very young children like babies and toddlers, but child development experts disagree.

In December 2018, the Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics published an article titled, “Selecting Appropriate Toys for Young Children in the Digital Era.”

The article uses research to explain that our human brains are not built for all the over-stimulation that tech toys and gadgets provide for kids. Period.

The toy companies make bold claims about their toys’ educational values but that is not science or research-based. I’m not saying they can’t aid in educating a child at all, but the more important skills that need to be taught aren’t letters, numbers, shapes, and colors.

Life Skills

Academics are great! However, research keeps coming out explaining that the most successful adults may not have learned to read at age three, but they did have early self-regulation and social and emotional intelligence skills.

I also want to mention that I’m well aware and am thankful for the world changers who aren’t wired in a way to be as social; but for those that are, they will be their best selves if they can not only develop but strengthen these skills.

These Are The Skills Important for Development:

Self-control
Perspective-taking
Critical thinking and problem-solving
Social-emotional intelligence
Resilience
Independence and responsibility
Executive function and organization

I don’t see the alphabet and numbers on that list 😉.

A great way to teach a lot of these skills is through gratitude. I created a toolkit filled with a gratitude poster, emotions worksheet, understanding strength worksheet, daily reflection cards and random acts of kindness ideas. You can download here by subscribing to my newsletter!

tech toys can negatively impact kids' development

The Power of Play

Instead of tech toys, kids need to PLAY!!

The skills learned through play are endless. Play is essentially the foundation of development as it teaches everything from learning how to share and tolerate others to gross and fine motor physical skills.

Play can mean different things, but when you boil it down, it’s an emotive word that indicates kids freely choosing, personally directing, and intrinsically motivating themselves to be creative and use their imaginations. It includes experimentation, exploration, continued experience, and imitation of their environment. Check that alliteration out!

” Play is essential to development because it contributes to the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being of children and youth. Play also offers an ideal opportunity for parents to engage fully with their children.”

~ Official Journal of the American Pediatrics

Kids use play and pretend to make sense of and explore their world.

My two-year-old son talks to his stuffed animals explaining how BoBo the Bear is either sad, happy or angry. Through that (non-tech) toy, he is beginning to grasp the concept of emotions outside of his own. He’s also doing this by interacting and explaining these concepts to me, my husband, and his brothers.

The impact of tech toys on kids is that they play less with toys that matter

Technology on the Developing Brain

Every year of a person’s life is important. However, we know the most important years are in those first five years. Experiences shape and mold a baby’s innate personality. Because of this, it’s vital that we realize what a brain needs to grow.

Technology actually is not one of those things. Can you believe it? I’m being sarcastic, but I think we often need this reminder.

It is true that we are far more advanced in today’s world because of technology. Conversely, high -ech toys can negatively impact kids and not help brain development in the way many people think (or are sold on).

My eyes were opened to all the systems in our bodies that are disturbed by technology in the book, Reset Your Child’s Brain by Victoria L. Dunkley, M.D. I highly recommend it!

She addresses the effects of screens including electronic book readers, video games, iPads, iPhones, television and basically anything with an actual screen.

“Because electronic screen media is unnaturally intense in terms of sensory, cognitive, and psychological input – designed to keep the user engaged – it tends to overstimulate the nervous system. The brain interprets all this stimulating input as a form of stress. This, in turn, triggers fight-or-flight reactions and a high state of arousal, making it difficult to wind down and sleep deeply.”

With Every Use, Technology Changes The Brain

The reward pathways begin to become desensitized because of how much they are used. Although some companies and “experts” claim that technology doesn’t affect the brain, it does.

The way Dr. Dunkley explains the impact of tech toys and screens on kids’ developing brains makes me think of a trickle-down effect.

Our frontal lobes are where emotional regulation, attention, creativity, and social behaviors are developed. Screens can cause such a drastic change in this area that more blood starts to flow down to the primitive, “reptilian” brain (which is more rigid and compulsive). Then chronic stress increases cortisol levels making it even harder to access the frontal lobe. Lastly, with the increase of cortisol, the hippocampus (our memory center) can be impaired. This can cause sleep challenges and even cause the brain to shrink, our bodies to gain weight, and an increase in blood sugar.

Over time, the stimulation can change the frontal lobe affecting the way a child thinks, behaves, relates to others, and feels to a point where Dr. Dunkley calls Electronic Screen Syndrome or ESS. This ESS can look like many other psychiatric disorders which then leads to doctors prescribing medicine to correct the wrong problem.

Whew! That’s a lot to take in!!

tech toys and screens impact kids in negative and positive ways

I can’t recall the book addressing babies and toddlers and tech toys. Because their systems are so brand-spankin’ new, I have to imagine the havoc all the lights, sounds, and visual stimulation could be having on their growing brains and bodies.

It’s too much.

Again, babies may be more drawn to a toy or iPhone app with a ton of visual and auditory stimulation making your life WAY EASIER to hand over to them to keep them busy, but it also can prevent them from being able to develop self-regulation amongst many other life skills.

Sidenote: Do you have a school-aged child who can’t seem to put down the controller or hand over the iPad without a fight? I sure do! It’s because his nervous system (and differently wired brain) cannot handle the stimulation. By having him set limits on how much time he gets in front of the screen and teaching him how to handle his big emotions, he is a much happier and calmer kid!

Bonus!! For signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a FREE Calm Down Toolkit to help your child handle his or her big emotions.

The Impact of Tech Toys For Kids

Again, our school-aged kids own high-tech toys. We work together to help them develop self-control while using screens. I wish there was a magic answer on how much time or how to do this, but there’s not!

I’m not saying that you should throw away anything that moves or resembles a robot or computer. Well, maybe hide them from your baby or toddler for a while *wink wink.

What we must do, though, is to pay attention to how tech toys impact our kids.

Check in with how they feel when they play with those kinds of toys and if there are any delays in important life skills. For some differently wired kids, technology may actually be the answer to help them with these skills so it’s important to look at your unique child.

Life Skills to Look At:

Self-control – This is a BIGGIE especially in our home. Look at the ability or inability your child has to stop playing with the robot, tablet or video game. Do they fight you, do they seem stressed, can they look at you in the eyes? These are all signs that could indicate the overstimulation of the Autonomic Nervous System or a sign of ESS.
Social-emotional skills – Do they want to play with other real-life human kids? That may sound like a joke, but in today’s world, it’s very important to look at your child’s social patterns.
Executive Function – Can your child organize, plan or manage time? If not, look into ways without using a screen to strengthen those skills.
Resilience – How do they handle failure? Do they bounce back quickly or lose it every time?

Our older boys love their technologically-driven toys but get even more enjoyment out of creating, building, throwing, riding and playing with open-ended toys and materials.

I also want to mention we do not give our toddler a cell phone, or tablet of any sort even ones marketed to his age, or even let him watch much television. (Okay, we had to give the phone to him twice but desperate times called for desperate measures. And he played with the tablet for the first time while taking photos for this post). Obviously, it’s inevitable he’ll have some access to these things with two older brothers but because this stuff doesn’t get turned on Monday – Friday, it’s easier to control.

I can say that because of this, mixed with his personality, he doesn’t even ask to watch shows, play video games or other technological toys and prefers “driving” his dirt bike across the couch a thousand times. He also builds tracks up and down the hallways as his older brother did. He can self-play for hours. The only tech-like toys he has are some V-Tech train tracks that have lights and sounds, but they also incorporate STEM skills.

The Best Toys For Cognitive Development

We are teaching our boys to understand and acknowledge how technology makes them feel and then comparing it to the non-tech stuff.

Dopamine still increases when engaging in creative free-range play. The more they do it, the more (neurological) rewards they get.

Technology can override this feeling.

This is the reason why it’s important to show your kids how to manage the amount of technology they use; not just take it away or give time limits.

kid emotions — *Photo taken by: Michelle Praskins Photography*

If you want to find toys that promote cognitive development, check out Parent’s Choice Foundation. I love their PlayAbility Scale™ because it includes a great list of the cognitive skills different toys promote and develop.

Tech toys impact kids so choose toys wisely

Keep these things in mind before buying any kind of latest and greatest hottest toy that’s going to turn your child into a neuroscientist overnight. Again, sarcasm.

The Toys You Do Want to Buy!

If we want to limit the usage of high tech toys, then what should we encourage our kids to play with? It’s simple! The old school, back to basics toys.

Referring back to the “Selecting Appropriate Toys for Young Children in the Digital Era” on The Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, they recommend “high-quality toys in each of these categories (below) can facilitate caregiver-child interactions, peer play, and the growth of imagination. It should be emphasized that high-quality toys need not be expensive.”

Examples of Traditional Toys:

Symbolic and/or Pretend:
- Dolls
- Action Figures
- Cars
- Cooking/Feeding toys
- Dress Up Clothes
Fine Motor, Adaptive, and/or manipulatives
- Blocks
- Shapes
- Puzzles
- Legos
- Trains
Art
- Clay
- Coloring
- Paint
- Crafts
Language and/or Concepts
- Card Games, Board Games and Strategy Games
- Toy Letters, Numbers and Shapes
Gross Motor and/or Physical
- Large Toy Cars
- Tricycles, Bicycles, Scooters and Skateboards
- Push and Pull Toys
- Balls and other Sport-Related Games

toddler getting creative painting — Photo taken by: Michelle Praskins Photography

Where To Shop

I am a full supporter of stores and businesses that promote the development of cognitive skills. Here are a few toy companies that I’m an affiliate for because of this reason!

Brackitz

How fun are these?! My boys LOVE building toys. Kids have the ability to create super simple or complex structures. This is a GREAT toy that promotes creativity, fine motor, and engineering skills.

ToyLibrary

I LOVE the concept of ToyLibrary! Research has shown that the more toys kids have, the less they play with them. Kids are also more apt to play with something if it’s “new”. And clutter is not good for their mental health.

For each shipment, you choose two toys (or one expensive toy), let your kids play with them then send the toys back so they can sanitize and ship out to the next family.

This company focuses on providing toys that develop all the skills that were mentioned above! They even have a system that identifies which skills and for what developmental age. Genius!

Sensory TheraPlay Box

Sensory toys have been such life savers for us.

These boxes are marketed for kids with sensory processing challenges, but I think they are great for all kids! Sensory TheraPlay Boxes have a subscription option or you can purchase a sampler or the previous month’s box individually. The items are curated by an Occupational Therapist and include items like play foam, stretch bands, stickers, scratchboards and other manipulatives.

toddlers should be building with blocks not playing with screens

The Natural Baby Company

This company has many cognitive-developmental toys for babies and toddlers including Waldorf toys, books, dolls, puzzles, magnetic mazes, ride-on vehicles, STEM toys and other wooden toys.

Lovevery

On Lovevery’s homepage, there is a quote that says, “designed by experts for your child’s developing brain.” We need more companies whose focus is on that and not overstimulating our kids!

The toddler playkits are sent every few months with toys that are developmentally appropriate for your baby as he or she grows! What a cool idea!! Lovevery also has a few other options for non-tech toys.

Educate and Decide For Yourself

I’m not here to judge whether or not you allow your toddler to own new tech toys or your older kids to own a tablet, iPad and iPhone that they play for hours and hours every day.

What I am here to do is to inform you what tech toys could be doing to your kid’s developing brain which will impact them for their entire life.

If you are a parent, most likely, you did not grow up with technology shoved in your face. Your brain had a chance to develop in a way to crave and want connection, and autonomy and to feel safe, seen and heard.

If we don’t allow our kids to develop in this same way, it’s looking as if anxiety and depression are going to continue to rise making it a very sad future. Ironically, because of technology and this “information age”, we do have the power to make a change, now!

December 6, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 34 Comments

How To Destress Your Mornings With Kids

I’m so excited to feature Sierra, a content creator for The Zebra. It is a site that compares auto insurance quotes for users! She wrote this article on how to destress your mornings with kids by using routines.

I’m all about routines over here. Because of them, I’m thankful we’re even to the point where my kids need basically ZERO involvement from me in the morning. At only ages 7 and 10, they wake themselves up, make and eat breakfast, pack lunches, brush teeth, do hair, pack backpacks and bike themselves a mile to school. These tips below are a great start to helping your kids become self-sufficient. In turn, there is no stress in the morning!

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

No one wants to begin the morning in a high-spirited argument over the need to brush your teeth or eat breakfast. Clashing on how things run in the morning is truly the worst. Everyone can be groggy and grumpy when they should be getting geared up. What should be a good time to bond with your child, for many of us, can become a huge battle. That’s why you need to destress your mornings with kids.

For many parents during the week, that brief time in the morning is the only chance they get to interact with their children before dinner. Of course, we would all love to fill that time with positive support instead of yelling about where a shoe may have gone.

There’s no doubt that making that time more cooperative, instead of combative, can hugely alter a parent-child relationship.

Problems in the morning usually stem from a lack of preparedness and a difficulty in keeping up with very specific duties that must be accomplished before going to school. By codifying the actions you and your children take (and doing as much as you can beforehand) it is possible to recraft the morning into the engaging and beneficial time that it should be.

It Starts With The Night Before

The best way to have a more organized morning is to strategize the previous evening. Every puzzle piece you put into place the night before is something that you won’t have to think about the next day.

Discuss Plans At Dinner

There are many proven positive effects of sitting down to a family dinner. Research has shown that families that sit down to dinner have children with higher self-esteem, improved academic performance, and even lower obesity rates.

Another benefit that studies may have not covered is one that helps you destress your mornings with kids. When you have a chance to sit down as a family, it is a great time to discuss the plan for the following day in detail. Not only will this give you a strategy for setting up for tomorrow, including thinking of things like instruments that need to be packed away or assignments that are due, but it also may have your child opening up to you about things in school that you might otherwise have missed.

For many children, putting a schedule on a board helps them get centered for the day ahead. If you have space, get a large chalkboard or paint a chalkboard wall as a great place to keep a daily schedule to refer to after dinner.

destress your mornings with kids by packing lunch at night

Prep Lunches

If you want the morning to run more smoothly, part of your routine for the evening should be cleaning up, doing dishes and making lunches. Give your children responsibility over their lunches as soon as is possible to give them some empowerment on what they are eating.

Note from Adriane: By signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a free Lunchbox List of Food Ideas so your kids can pack their own lunches! My kids started in First Grade!

If you have young children, they may feel more like a hindrance than a help with getting things ready. Even if this is the case, they will benefit more from being part of this task than if you did it for them. This is how kids learn!

A great tip that works well is to have your child pick what he would like to pack and also decided how he wants you to help. You can make the sandwich, but have him or her bag it up and place it in the lunch box. Using Bentgo-like lunch containers make it even easier to split up the work because you can do one of the sections and your child do the other two.

Older kids can be given the chore of crafting their own lunches as part of their evening work. And remember, if they don’t pack what you like, that’s THEIR choice! Make sure you provide healthy options or set limits on what is and isn’t allowed.

Pull Out Clothes

With many children, waiting for them to get “acceptable” clothes on is a huge chunk of the morning wasted. Whether it’s a favorite shirt or the right pants, many kids will float back and forth before making their decisions (leaving you with a pile of clean clothes all over their room). Instead of putting all that on your morning you can get some of this out of the way in the night before.

For those with younger children, help them pick out clothes during pajama time. This also allows you to avoid that awful moment when your child realizes that the shirt they wanted to wear is dirty or currently in the wash. If your child also requires uniforms or gym clothes to be ready, you can make sure these are ready and even put a bag in the car rather than waiting until the last minute.

For many of us, shoes are an additional issue. Have your kids put shoes in the same place every day so you don’t have to endure a yelling battle over lost shoes.

Focus on Sleep

The National Sleep Foundation says that children should get about 10 hours of sleep per night to foster the best brain development.

Thinking back from the time your child needs to get up to get to school on time means that if she has a 6:30am alarm, she should be getting to sleep around 8:30pm. This is a struggle for any parent, but doing what we can to get children off to bed means creating beneficial evening habits.

It’s best to shut the screens off at least an hour before they hit the pillow because the harsh blue light suppresses the melatonin needed to get quality rest. Take that time to read to little children and encourage teens to grab a book rather than sit on their ipads. At the same time, you can start lowering lights to stimulate melatonin.

If your children have trouble sleeping, consider creating the best nighttime environment that is conducive to rest.

These work great:

Blackout curtains create darkness signaling to the brain that it’s time to sleep.
Some sounds can be very soothing and the addition of a whirring fan, or adding a white or pink noise machine, to their nighttime routine can help them calm down enough to fall asleep.
Temperature control is important. Keep it as comfortably cool as you can in your child’s room.
Use a diffuser or other method to promote fragrances that help with sleep.

A good night of sleep can easily destress your mornings with kids.

5 Ways to Have a Successful Morning With No Yelling

When everyone gets up, having a routine to reference will make everything run more smoothly.

Start With Time For You

If you can, try to rise about 15 minutes or so before everyone else and take some time to breathe.

Yoga or some stretching exercises can help center you before your day begins, but it can be just as helpful and grounding to sit with a cup of coffee for a moment before the morning fun.

Make Wake Up Time Calming

Try to leave enough time in the morning to make wake-ups as gentle as possible. With younger children, having time to cuddle a bit makes for a much nicer morning. For older kids, raising the lights slowly, maybe with some soothing music accompanying, puts less of a shock on wake-up time.

Or better yet, let them choose their own alarm clock and give them the responsibility of getting up completely on their own!

Create A Morning Routine

Put together an easy-to-follow plan of how things go. This will is a surefire destress your mornings with kids. Starting with your child making the bed is a good way to set the tone for the morning ahead.

Then keep things in an established order: getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, finding shoes, and getting last minute things ready for school all should be followed in the same order every day. This way there is never any confusion and it sets up good and clear habits.

To help your family get out the door, try using a morning or evening checklist from The Zebra so everyone leaves the house on time and safely. Kids can check off their routine and you can even offer special points or incentives to keep them getting all of their checks.

Read Next: 6 Steps to Master a School Morning Routine for Kids (on The Zebra’s website)

Load Up On Protein

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but how often do you go with only a bowl of cereal?

While grains are great, trying to get kids in the habit of having protein at breakfast will pay off in the long run. Higher protein foods like eggs and yogurt are good for keeping kids focused and will keep them fuller longer.

Adding fruits and vegetables and limiting sugar is a good plan as well. It’s also crucial to be hydrated in the morning.

Expect the Unexpected

With kids, of course, you have to realize that all of your carefully laid plans can change in an instant. The best thing you can do to destress your mornings with kids is to be flexible when things don’t go exactly as you anticipate.

Giving yourself the time, and preparing in advance will mean you have the latitude to take on anything that comes up.

Being prepared will turn your mornings into a better time for bonding with your kids. It may just mean changing the way you think of the evening and turning it into a time for preparations for tomorrow.

AUTHOR BIO:

Sierra Skelly is a content creator for The Zebra who develops helpful and compelling stories. Her passion for digital marketing and creative writing has led her to cover unique topics ranging from business to lifestyle. She calls San Diego, CA home and enjoys crafting, decorating and traveling in her spare time.

December 2, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 32 Comments

How Moms Can Be Nice To Their Kids (And Reduce Stress) During the Holidays

Last year around the beginning of December, I was sitting with a group of moms. Between the seven of us, we had 26 kids! As we started to talk about what was going on in our lives, I could see the exhaustion and even a little sadness on some of my friends’ faces. Then a few said similar things, “It’s really hard for me to be nice to my kids around the holidays. How can us moms reduce stress during the holidays? Please pray I can find patience.”

Christmas brings an abundance of joy, but it also can bring a whole lot of stress.

The schedule seems to fill up super fast.

Diet can be thrown off because it’s too hard to resist all that yummy holiday food.

Family can make things better or let’s be honest, complicate life a little more than usual.

There may be a ton more travel involved, by car, plane or boat! Okay, maybe not by boat unless your super close to water.

And there are a whole lot of to-do lists making our sleep suffer.

It can feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get all the shopping, baking and activities finished. Then, on top of all that, we are expected to have enough mental capacity to be patient and kind to our kids.

What Causes Parents to Snap?

In order to help moms reduce stress during the holidays, we need to figure out where this is coming from. Why are we quick to snap or yell at our kids, especially during the hap, hap, happiest Christmas (name that movie…and I stopped there because I’m not a fan of vulgar language 😉)?

I will do a post that digs a little deeper into why parents get angry in general but for now, it’s good to have a basic understanding.

Here are the main reasons why you can get angry or unkind to your kids during the holidays:

Taking things too personally

There are usually a lot more activities, events, and family visits this time of year and if our kids are not behaving perfectly, we take on that stress. Or we start to forget how to connect and jump on the correction-only train making our kids’ behavior spiral even more out of control.

Hyper-vigilance

As moms, we are always scanning the premises to detect a threat. Let’s face it, during this time of year there can be a lot of threats caused by lack of sleep, poor diet, too much excitement, and the list could go on.

Expectations

Even if we don’t mean to, we can unintentionally set unrealistic expectations for how our kids should behave, for how all the events and activities should go and for what Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannakuh or whatever holiday we celebrate should be like. See that word, should. Let’s throw that out of the window and let the experiences be what they are.

Lack of Rules and Limitations

It’s Thanksgiving! It’s Christmas! Hanukkah is here! We tend to let down our guard during this time and give in a little more than usual. Know the phrase, “give an inch and they take a mile?” My kids sure have taken their fair share of miles during this time of year so it’s good to be aware to reign that in because kids need structure and (positive) discipline.

Burn Out

It’s especially hard to find time to take care of ourselves during this time of year because time is fleeting. This can leave to not having anything else to give to the people who need us most.

BONUS!! If it’s hard to squeeze in one-on-one time with your kids, sign up for my newsletter to receive a FREE Quality Time Printable with over 60 activities to do with your child!

6 Things You Can Do To Be Nice To Your Kids During the Holidays

Here are six specific ways us, moms, can reduce stress during the holidays and in turn, be kind and nice to our kids!

1. Take Care of Your Mind!

Our minds are very precious commodities. We only have so much mental capacity to do so much during the day so we need to protect what we have like a treasure.

Creating mental space allows you to not react right away when situations arise. Instead, you can take that time to stop, pause, pray and breathe.

The more you can create this space, the less you will have the urge to yell, scream, and be mean to your kids. In turn, they will eventually be able to return the kindness back to you.

Behave Like the Person You Want To Be

Do you feel like your kids are driving you crazy? Act as if they aren’t.

Feel like you don’t have enough time to get everything done? Act as if you do.

Are you dreading driving a few hours to visit family? Act as if you can’t wait.

This is the key to helping us, moms, reduce stress during the holidays because there is power in reframing the way we view our circumstances.

If you sit in the negativity, that’s where you will stay. Even if you are having those feelings, stop and act as if you are on top of the world and eventually your mind will catch up.

Practice Mindfulness

It doesn’t need to take long to benefit from mindfulness. Even a few minutes a day can help bring awareness back to your mind and body so you can continue on with your day connecting and enjoying your family.

A good time I practice mindfulness is when I’m in the car, I’m rocking my toddler and I’m lying in bed at night.

Pause and take a moment to see, hear and feel your environment. Do a quick body scan to see how you are physically feeling. Lastly, check-in with your emotions, label those emotions and take note on why you are feeling that way.

Practice Gratitude

Recognizing what you are grateful for has many more benefits than just being a nice person. It can contribute to our overall mental and physical health. There are four parts of gratitude that we should make sure we teach our kids, but also pay attention to for ourselves as well.

Research shows that gratitude changes the brain for good!

At the start or end of every day, go through at least five things you are grateful for. Be specific and change the list every day. You’ll be surprised at how this makes you feel.

Also, turn your negative thoughts about a situation or person and turn into a positive. For example, if you are stressed you have to bake so many cookies for your child’s school, flip that thinking into what you grateful for in that situation. Find gratitude in being able to have a kitchen, enough money to afford to buy cookies, or be thankful that you are blessed to even have a child to make cookies for.

One last way gratitude can come to play to be nicer to our kids is by teaching it to them! I find this to be so important in parenting that I created a Gratitude Toolkit that encourages kids to be introspective and learn how to be empathic towards others.

2. Intentionally Reduce Stress

Most of what is on this list is geared to ways to help us moms reduce stress during the holidays. It’s also important to have an awareness that you may be getting stressed out so that you can nip it in the bud right away.

Very simple ways to ensure you don’t reach a toxic level of stress are to plan ahead, stick to routines and systems as best as you can, have realistic expectations, set a budget and know when it’s time to ask for help!

3. Hand Off Responsibility

Look at that perfect segue!

Another thing we can do that will help us be nice to our kids is to hand off responsibility to others. This one is really hard for me because I never want to be a burden. Many of my friends have their parents or siblings who help, but all of our extended family members live across the country from us.

It takes a lot to ask a friend who probably has kids of her own to help you out. What I have found is most people, if they can, do want to help. A friend of mine always tells me to stop taking her ability to bless me away from her.

A great way to find help is to get connected in a bible study or playgroup, make friends with an empty nester or retiree. If you can afford it, hire a babysitter or mother’s helper to help you lighten your load.

4. Focus on Your Wants

It’s okay to be selfish and focus on what you want!

How do you want this season to look? Write down all that you want to experience and accomplish this time of year. Remember not to set too high of expectations. However, it’s still good to figure out what it is that you want.

Don’t fall into the trap of being a grumpy mean mom because you feel like your opinion or feelings don’t matter. Instead, make them a priority!

moms reduce stress during the holidays by laughing

5. Give Yourself Grace and Let Loose!

It’s okay if you are not perfect!

Let me repeat that thought: “You don’t need to be perfect!”

With all of the images we are bombarded with on social media, it’s hard not to compare what we are doing for the holidays with others. It can create this sense of needing to be perfect. Have the perfect holiday photos, make the perfect Christmas dinner, get your kids the best presents, go to and do all the things. And can I mention that after being a family photographer for over 5 years that the end result most likely is NOT how the session went?

I know you’ve heard it before, but a lot of what we see is other people’s highlight reel so stop comparing your worst to their best.

I’m here to tell you that you do not need to be perfect nor do you need to strive for perfection. Enjoy every moment as it comes! Next time you felt like you just messed up, stop and be courteous to yourself and remember that you are doing the best you can and that is MORE than enough because you matter!

Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF with Self Care so I Can Give More to My Family

If you’re having a tough time giving yourself grace, drop everything and start dancing or singing or just let loose and find some FUN! I’m telling you dancing is the cure to most problems in my life.

6. If All Else Fails…((whisper))

I am not even kidding. This little teeny tiny tip has been life-changing.

If your house starts to get loud or it seems like no one is listening to you, stop talking or yelling and whisper.

It’s amazing how quiet it can get. Sometimes I do have to get right up in my kids’ grill so they even know I’m trying to communicate to them. When this happens, they stop, look at me like I’m crazy and then a magical thing happens! The noise reduces, my kids can hear me and somehow I get calmer and can gather my thoughts enough to be NICE!

Enjoy the Holidays and Spread Some Cheer

Remember when I said this time of year is supposed to be joyful? It really can be if we slow down. It’s much easier for us, moms, to reduce stress during the holidays and be nice to our kids when we become aware that they are only going to be two, three, four or however old this one year. It’s not worth creating negative memories because they will be gone before we know it.

Take note of when you’re starting to feel unkind.

Have a heart to heart with your children about how you want to be nice and how you love spending time with them. Tell them you are thankful and go spread some Christmas cheer together.

Here is a recap of the simple ways for moms to reduce stress during the holidays:

Take care of your mind
Intentionally reduce stress
Handoff responsibility
Focus on your wants (really, it’s okay!)
Give yourself grace and let loose
Whisper

The Importance of Family Values

6 Ways to Make Family Values Stick

1. Believe

2. Define

3. Talk

4. Feel

5. Experience

6. Model

Get Your Free Family Values Printables!

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Living Out Your Family Values

Defining Your Family Values

How To Discover Your Family Values

The 4 Steps to Discovering Family Values:

Step 1: Discuss at Your Family Meeting

Ask yourselves these questions:

Reflect on the values you and your partner grew up with.

How do you spend your time together and apart?

Discuss major life decisions everyone has made.

Step 2: Write Out a Mission Statement or Manifesto

Step 3: Point out Strengths and Weaknesses

Step 4: Use a List of Values

Family Values Categories

Display Your Values For All To See

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What Are Your Family Values?

Then Something Happened…

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To the mom whose kid is often only seen for his or her “behavior”, I want to let you know a few things:

The Truth

The Importance of a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

11 Ways To Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection

Connection Before Correction

1. Empathize, Empathize, Empathize

2. Get On Your Child’s Level

3. Limit Your Words and Listen

4. Become a Sportscaster

Connection For Strengthening Your Relationship

5. Play!

6. Quality One-On-One Time

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7. Hug!

8. Bedtime Bonding

9. Eat Dinner Together

10. Give Effort-Based Praise

11. Disconnect to Connect

The Reward

Let’s Connect

The Secret To Getting Kids to Listen

Connecting Before Correcting Behavior

Why Should We Connect Before We Correct Our Children?

How Does Connection Happen?

1. Let the Past Go

2. Be a Detective

3. Watch Your Tone!

4. Proactively Connect

Get Your Free Family Meeting Agenda!

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What Are the Ways You Connect?

How Resilience Impacts the Brain

What Is Resilience?

7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience

1. Competence

2. Confidence

3. Connection

4. Character

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5. Contribution

6. Coping Skills

Get Your Free Emotion Coach Printable!

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7. Control

Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges

What is Self-Awareness?

Benefits of Self-Awareness for Kids

7 Ways Kids Learn Self-Awareness Skills