Raising Kids With Purpose

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How Moms Can Be Nice To Their Kids (And Reduce Stress) During the Holidays

Last year around the beginning of December, I was sitting with a group of moms. Between the seven of us, we had 26 kids! As we started to talk about what was going on in our lives, I could see the exhaustion and even a little sadness on some of my friends’ faces. Then a few said similar things, “It’s really hard for me to be nice to my kids around the holidays. How can us moms reduce stress during the holidays? Please pray I can find patience.” 

Christmas brings an abundance of joy, but it also can bring a whole lot of stress. 

The schedule seems to fill up super fast. 

Diet can be thrown off because it’s too hard to resist all that yummy holiday food. 

Family can make things better or let’s be honest, complicate life a little more than usual. 

There may be a ton more travel involved, by car, plane or boat! Okay, maybe not by boat unless your super close to water. 

And there are a whole lot of to-do lists making our sleep suffer.

moms reduce stress during the holidays

It can feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get all the shopping, baking and activities finished. Then, on top of all that, we are expected to have enough mental capacity to be patient and kind to our kids. 

What Causes Parents to Snap?

In order to help moms reduce stress during the holidays, we need to figure out where this is coming from. Why are we quick to snap or yell at our kids, especially during the hap, hap, happiest Christmas (name that movie…and I stopped there because I’m not a fan of vulgar language 😉)? 

I will do a post that digs a little deeper into why parents get angry in general but for now, it’s good to have a basic understanding. 

mom stress during christmas

Here are the main reasons why you can get angry or unkind to your kids during the holidays: 

Taking things too personally

There are usually a lot more activities, events, and family visits this time of year and if our kids are not behaving perfectly, we take on that stress. Or we start to forget how to connect and jump on the correction-only train making our kids’ behavior spiral even more out of control. 

Related: The Real Reasons Parenting is Hard

Hyper-vigilance

As moms, we are always scanning the premises to detect a threat. Let’s face it, during this time of year there can be a lot of threats caused by lack of sleep, poor diet, too much excitement, and the list could go on. 

Expectations

Even if we don’t mean to, we can unintentionally set unrealistic expectations for how our kids should behave, for how all the events and activities should go and for what Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannakuh or whatever holiday we celebrate should be like. See that word, should. Let’s throw that out of the window and let the experiences be what they are. 

Lack of Rules and Limitations

It’s Thanksgiving! It’s Christmas! Hanukkah is here! We tend to let down our guard during this time and give in a little more than usual. Know the phrase, “give an inch and they take a mile?” My kids sure have taken their fair share of miles during this time of year so it’s good to be aware to reign that in because kids need structure and (positive) discipline.  

Burn Out

It’s especially hard to find time to take care of ourselves during this time of year because time is fleeting. This can leave to not having anything else to give to the people who need us most. 

BONUS!! If it’s hard to squeeze in one-on-one time with your kids, sign up for my newsletter to receive a FREE Quality Time Printable with over 60 activities to do with your child!

reduce mom stress with crying toddlers

6 Things You Can Do To Be Nice To Your Kids During the Holidays 

Here are six specific ways us, moms, can reduce stress during the holidays and in turn, be kind and nice to our kids!

1. Take Care of Your Mind!

Our minds are very precious commodities. We only have so much mental capacity to do so much during the day so we need to protect what we have like a treasure. 

Creating mental space allows you to not react right away when situations arise. Instead, you can take that time to stop, pause, pray and breathe.

The more you can create this space, the less you will have the urge to yell, scream, and be mean to your kids. In turn, they will eventually be able to return the kindness back to you. 

Behave Like the Person You Want To Be

Do you feel like your kids are driving you crazy? Act as if they aren’t.

Feel like you don’t have enough time to get everything done? Act as if you do.

Are you dreading driving a few hours to visit family? Act as if you can’t wait. 

This is the key to helping us, moms, reduce stress during the holidays because there is power in reframing the way we view our circumstances.

If you sit in the negativity, that’s where you will stay. Even if you are having those feelings, stop and act as if you are on top of the world and eventually your mind will catch up. 

mom doing yoga practicing mindfulness

Practice Mindfulness

It doesn’t need to take long to benefit from mindfulness. Even a few minutes a day can help bring awareness back to your mind and body so you can continue on with your day connecting and enjoying your family. 

A good time I practice mindfulness is when I’m in the car, I’m rocking my toddler and I’m lying in bed at night.

Pause and take a moment to see, hear and feel your environment. Do a quick body scan to see how you are physically feeling. Lastly, check-in with your emotions, label those emotions and take note on why you are feeling that way.

Practice Gratitude

Recognizing what you are grateful for has many more benefits than just being a nice person. It can contribute to our overall mental and physical health. There are four parts of gratitude that we should make sure we teach our kids, but also pay attention to for ourselves as well. 

Research shows that gratitude changes the brain for good! 

At the start or end of every day, go through at least five things you are grateful for. Be specific and change the list every day. You’ll be surprised at how this makes you feel. 

Also, turn your negative thoughts about a situation or person and turn into a positive. For example, if you are stressed you have to bake so many cookies for your child’s school, flip that thinking into what you grateful for in that situation. Find gratitude in being able to have a kitchen, enough money to afford to buy cookies, or be thankful that you are blessed to even have a child to make cookies for. 

One last way gratitude can come to play to be nicer to our kids is by teaching it to them! I find this to be so important in parenting that I created a Gratitude Toolkit that encourages kids to be introspective and learn how to be empathic towards others.

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laugh at christmas

2. Intentionally Reduce Stress

Most of what is on this list is geared to ways to help us moms reduce stress during the holidays. It’s also important to have an awareness that you may be getting stressed out so that you can nip it in the bud right away. 

Very simple ways to ensure you don’t reach a toxic level of stress are to plan ahead, stick to routines and systems as best as you can, have realistic expectations, set a budget and know when it’s time to ask for help! 

Related: 7 Easy Self-Care Ideas for Busy Moms

3. Hand Off Responsibility

Look at that perfect segue! 

Another thing we can do that will help us be nice to our kids is to hand off responsibility to others. This one is really hard for me because I never want to be a burden. Many of my friends have their parents or siblings who help, but all of our extended family members live across the country from us. 

It takes a lot to ask a friend who probably has kids of her own to help you out. What I have found is most people, if they can, do want to help. A friend of mine always tells me to stop taking her ability to bless me away from her.

A great way to find help is to get connected in a bible study or playgroup, make friends with an empty nester or retiree. If you can afford it, hire a babysitter or mother’s helper to help you lighten your load. 

4. Focus on Your Wants

It’s okay to be selfish and focus on what you want!

How do you want this season to look? Write down all that you want to experience and accomplish this time of year. Remember not to set too high of expectations. However, it’s still good to figure out what it is that you want. 

Don’t fall into the trap of being a grumpy mean mom because you feel like your opinion or feelings don’t matter. Instead, make them a priority! 

moms reduce stress during the holidays by laughing

5. Give Yourself Grace and Let Loose!

It’s okay if you are not perfect! 

Let me repeat that thought: “You don’t need to be perfect!”

With all of the images we are bombarded with on social media, it’s hard not to compare what we are doing for the holidays with others. It can create this sense of needing to be perfect. Have the perfect holiday photos, make the perfect Christmas dinner, get your kids the best presents, go to and do all the things. And can I mention that after being a family photographer for over 5 years that the end result most likely is NOT how the session went?

I know you’ve heard it before, but a lot of what we see is other people’s highlight reel so stop comparing your worst to their best. 

I’m here to tell you that you do not need to be perfect nor do you need to strive for perfection. Enjoy every moment as it comes! Next time you felt like you just messed up, stop and be courteous to yourself and remember that you are doing the best you can and that is MORE than enough because you matter! 

Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF with Self Care so I Can Give More to My Family

If you’re having a tough time giving yourself grace, drop everything and start dancing or singing or just let loose and find some FUN! I’m telling you dancing is the cure to most problems in my life. 

family time at christmas

6. If All Else Fails…((whisper))

I am not even kidding. This little teeny tiny tip has been life-changing. 

If your house starts to get loud or it seems like no one is listening to you, stop talking or yelling and whisper.

It’s amazing how quiet it can get. Sometimes I do have to get right up in my kids’ grill so they even know I’m trying to communicate to them. When this happens, they stop, look at me like I’m crazy and then a magical thing happens! The noise reduces, my kids can hear me and somehow I get calmer and can gather my thoughts enough to be NICE! 

Enjoy the Holidays and Spread Some Cheer

Remember when I said this time of year is supposed to be joyful? It really can be if we slow down. It’s much easier for us, moms, to reduce stress during the holidays and be nice to our kids when we become aware that they are only going to be two, three, four or however old this one year. It’s not worth creating negative memories because they will be gone before we know it. 

Take note of when you’re starting to feel unkind.

Have a heart to heart with your children about how you want to be nice and how you love spending time with them. Tell them you are thankful and go spread some Christmas cheer together. 

Here is a recap of the simple ways for moms to reduce stress during the holidays:

  1. Take care of your mind
  2. Intentionally reduce stress
  3. Handoff responsibility
  4. Focus on your wants (really, it’s okay!)
  5. Give yourself grace and let loose
  6. Whisper

How Are You Being Nice To Your Kids This Holiday Season? 

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How to Help Your Anxious Child at Christmas Time

My little brother is seven years younger than I am. When he was around three or four, the Christmas season caused him to become an anxious child. Because of his personality, there were one too many completely innocent “Santa-is-watching-you’s” amongst other stressors my parents were completely unaware of until he couldn’t control his emotions.

Eventually, they had one of “Santa’s elves” (pre-Elf on the Shelf Days!) bring him a special early Christmas surprise. I remember being just as excited even though I personally knew the elf {*wink*wink*}.

We tiptoed down the basement stairs together to find a Power Wheels Quad. Knowing that he wasn’t actually bad helped his anxiety dissipate.

anxious child at Christmas

This post may contain affiliate links. See my disclosure policy here. 

As parents, we don’t intentionally add extra stress to our kids during the holidays. But if you think about it, there is pressure for them to behave well.

Pressure During Christmas

“You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout I’m telling you why…” 

Think about those lyrics. And if that’s not enough, in most homes there is now even an elf that is always watching AND reporting back to Santa. 

Where does it end?!!!! Ahhhhhh! 

I’m totally kidding! I just like being dramatic. 

I’m not anti-Santa or anti-elf, because we are all about Santa in this house. 

anxious child at christmas sitting with santa

As I get into what we can do to help our kids with their holiday anxiety, I wouldn’t suggest forcing your older child to sit on Santa’s lap. Ahem, like we did. Toddlers are free game though, right? Totally joking!!! We did make sure he was okay afterward in which he gave Santa a big high five. He just didn’t want to sit on or near him. That’s fair.

In the past, we always had an elf but have decided he is more useful staying at the North Pole to help Santa because it was causing way too much stress on our kids. We told them that they could create a landing pad anywhere in the house if they wanted the elf to come – giving them full control of the decision.

One of our boys has Generalized Anxiety, which manifests into angry physical outbursts. The last thing we wanted to do is to exacerbate those feelings. Besides, Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. 

For some kids, Christmas is already too much then you add lights, sounds, commotion and events that come with this season. 

Quick Tip: If your child has angry outbursts, meltdowns, or struggles with self-regulation, download your free Calm Down Toolkit when you sign up for my newsletter.

What Is Anxiety? 

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress.

A statistic I found from the National Institute of Mental Health is that 1 in 8 children have anxiety. And less than 1% of kids get professional help for a multitude of reasons. 

Read that again.

There are many types of anxiety. What they all have in common is the feeling of panic and/or fear of something that may not even be a threat, not being able to remain calm especially in times of high stress, having shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tension and there can also be feelings of nausea, sleeplessness, and dizziness.

I read the Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D. which I highly recommend! She goes through the challenges of people face who have brain differences, but also the strengths they have that can help them thrive and do far greater things than a neuro-typical person.

In the book, she explains that anxiety involves an array of behaviors and experiences. Every person is wired to have a stress response when they feel a threat. People who have anxiety may have the same physical feelings as a non-anxious person, but the thoughts in their minds usually take a negative turn. 

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

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Babies Can Be Born With Anxiety

Harvard psychologist and “father of temperament”, Jerome Kagan found that brains may be hardwired for anxiety. Following people from birth to adulthood in a longitudinal study, he found that babies who showed signs of being stressed out by simple things grew to be anxious adults.

The Magnetic Resonance Imaging also showed that they had thicker cortexes. Interesting!

anxious baby at christmas santa suit

I can attest to this with our anxious child (especially at Christmas). Even at a young age, he was afraid of everything – toys that moved or talked, people in costumes, strangers and certain sounds.

More research needs to be done to figure out if anxious people develop thicker cortexes or vice versa. 

The environment can and does play a part, but I think it’s important for us to realize that our kids could be born this way. With this knowledge, we can help our anxious-prone children during Christmas, birthdays and every day of the year!

Where Anxiety Is Found In The Brain

Lastly, cognitive scientists at UC Berkeley have pinpointed anxiety.  The contributing factors to anxiety are:

  • Overactive Amygdala | The amygdala is the part of the brain where the primal fight or flight reflex occurs. We talk to our anxious child about his amygdala a lot!
  • Underactive Ventral Prefrontal Cortex | Secondly, the neural part of our brain that aids in overcoming fears and worries, the ventral prefrontal cortex, isn’t mobilized. It’s hard for the person to access this part of the brain whenever fear is present. 

Ring any bells for you?

anxious child at christmas

Kids with and without Generalized Anxiety can experience anxiety and extra stress during the holidays.

Taking all this into consideration, kids (and adults alike) who already have anxious brain wiring may not be able to handle all the commotion (and joy and fun and excitement) Christmas brings. And kids who don’t have this brain difference can also develop anxiety as they become overwhelmed. 

Related: Calm Down Kit Ideas To Help Kids Manage Big Feelings

Anxiety During The Holidays

For adults and kids alike, November through January often disrupts regular routines. I know I keep mentioning Christmas but this goes for any holiday celebrated in the month of December.

It’s a more expensive time of year and the task demands are never-ending. Because of this, it’s good to take a look at the common triggers or reasons for kids’ anxiety during this time.

Common Triggers

  • Change of schedule
  • Seeing people and/or family your child hasn’t seen in a long time
  • Socially demanding events
  • Over-stimulation of lights and sounds
  • Lack of sleep
  • Traveling long distances and sleeping somewhere else
  • The weather (not necessarily here in AZ as we still get plenty of sunshine. I came from the cold so I soak every single ray up!)
  • Family tension brought up because of the holidays
  • Financial stress
  • Santa! Continuously being “watched” for good or bad behavior

7 Signs That Your Child is Anxious at Christmas 

If your child is showing signs of frustration, sadness, or is uncharacteristically irritable, it may mean anxiety is present. Because the holidays can add extra stress, anxiety usually manifests into physical ailments as well. 

anxious child at Christmas

Here are common symptoms to look out for:  

  •  Frequent Meltdowns or Sensory Tantrums | To figure out if these are actually a problem, keep track of every meltdown and tantrum easily on your phone or in a notebook. Look for patterns so you can mitigate the anxiety.
  • Sleep problems | Sleep can be affected by anxiety but also cause anxiety if there’s not enough. A vicious cycle is bound to happen without proper sleep.
  • Pain |Anxiety often presents itself as psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, unexplained muscle aches, and other physical pain. Anxiety can also cause a rash.
  • Other Physical Sensations | In addition to pain, anxiety can turn into arguing, crying, fleeing from situations, biting nails, pulling out hair or what I did as a kid was profusely scratch myself.
  • Anger | Oftentimes intense anger is actually anxiety in a child who doesn’t have the emotional regulation skills to cope.  
  • Social Avoidance | If your child doesn’t want to go to school or public places, anxiety may be the culprit. Kids will often isolate themselves so they don’t have to face the scary feelings.
  • Frequent Questions | “What if’s” out of the wazoo! Anxious kids often present questions concerning safety and ask the same questions over and over again. 
Anxiety at Christmas

Read Next: 18 Ways To Help Your Child Calm Down

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What You Can Do To Help Your Anxious Child At Christmas Time 

Growing up, Christmas may have been a certain way. You may have incredible memories that you want to replicate. The problem with this is that it can often give unrealistic expectations for your current family. You may not have anticipated having to help an anxious child especially at Christmas which is why I bring you good news!

There are many ways you can help your anxious child minimize or avoid stress altogether! 

  • Educate your kids (and yourself) |Teach your kids what anxiety is, how it affects their brains, and how to problem-solve. 
  • Set a focus for the season | Ideas include Christmas memories, celebrating the seasons of change or the true meaning of Christmas then planning events accordingly. 
  • Plan ahead and communicate it to your kids | There is so much to do in the community, at school, in your city or town. Instead of going to everything you can, let your kids be part of the plan and put it on a calendar so they can anticipate what is next. 
  • Do more activities with only your family | Savor this time of year by making memories in the walls of your house.
  • Teach your kids to focus on the present moment | By doing this, kids can keep worrying feelings at bay. Mindfulness techniques work too.
  • Be open to change | Try your best to go with the flow. Approach the holidays with an open mind. 
  • Be realistic | Have a realistic mindset on what can and can’t be accomplished this time of year. For example, kids who are very impulsive may need more structure to minimize disruptive behavior. Have a realistic plan to fall back on. 
  • Take a break | Ask for help and realize Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Say no to things so you can say yes to what’s most important. Ask for help!
  • Seek medical attention if needed | Don’t forget this is always an option if can’t be managed at home. 
  • Stay Alive 101 | Try your best to sleep, eat healthily, drink water, and exercise. This is for both you and your children even when it’s hard to do surrounded by candy canes, party food, and events around the clock.
  • Take natural supplements | We have found using natural herbs and spices helps tremendously with balancing neurotransmitters in the brain. As found in this article by Lyfe Botanicals, turmeric has the ability to modulate serotonin and dopamine. Ashwagandha, maca root, and licorice root all have similar benefits as well.
  • Reduce Screen Time | I know it’s an easy go-to for entertainment, but screens can exacerbate anxiety by over-activating the autonomic nervous system and increasing cortisol, the stress hormone.
  • Laugh and drink hot cocoa! | We may only get a limited amount of holiday seasons with our kids. Cherish every moment. Slow down, play games, laugh, and don’t forget the hot cocoa (sans the sugar for some of our kids and us, of course!). Hot chocolate solves problems. 
11 ways to help an anxious child at Christmas

Read Next: The Perfect Holiday Gift Guide for Your Little Maker or Creator

The Reason for the Season

With all of this said it’s always good to remind ourselves what this season is truly about. We were given the greatest gift from God, Jesus, and we have the privilege to celebrate his birth. 

Despite all the flashing lights (literally) and Christmas music, by showing our kids our love and what truly matters during this season, it can be enjoyed by all. 

The true meaning of Christmas is love.

Grab the precious little gift you are so incredibly blessed to have and love him or hard. Open your kids’ eyes to what giving and helping others means and can feel like. Spend as much time as you can together creating memories that will last a lifetime. Lastly, from my photographer’s heart, be purposeful and take lots of pictures!

celebrating Christmas in Arizona - fake snow!

How do you help your child who is more anxious around Christmas?  

Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com.

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Originally published on December 18, 2018. Updated on November 29, 2019

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The Ultimate List of Toys and Activity Supply Lists to Keep Your Toddler Busy

I start to cringe when I think about buying Christmas presents this year. Our two-year-old is the third kiddo which means he has a lot of superhero toys, sports equipment, games, costumes and building toys passed down from his big brothers.

We already have so much and are tapped out in space.

Then it hit me, we could get our toddler toys and supplies that will keep him busy!

activities and toy to keep your toddler busy

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here.  

He is slowly giving up naps on most days of the week. Insert a loud, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

It is imperative I find toys and activities to keep my toddler busy so I can remain a happy and calm mama!

My hunt began.

Because I’ve done a lot of research on the effects of technology on the brain, we don’t use that as a source of entertainment for him at all. Okay, two times. Once he wouldn’t stop playfully screaming at a restaurant that we couldn’t leave and another time I was at a school meeting that he did not want to be at so we did let him watch PBS on the iPhone.

Finding the Right Toys and Activities

My goal was to find supplies for “busy activities” that my little guy could play with needing no help from me. Also, I wanted to discover items that I could either throw in a backpack for public outings or toys that would encourage him to self-play for more than 30 minutes.

car playmat and Melissa and Doug wooden toys

There’s actually a name for it! Open-ended toys. These are toys that foster creativity, imagination and play, which is why they keep toddlers busy busy busy!

As I was coming up with this ultimate list, I discovered we actually have a lot of these kinds of toys. Some of which, I just needed to dust off. It also gave me a list of new toys and supplies we can add to the Christmas list.

Read Next: 30 Fun Strategy and Board Games For Family

toddler playing with math counting cubes

Toys That Keep Your Toddler Busy

Remember, every child is different. If you can find something that piques his or her interest, there will be a better chance of longer self-play time.

A great strategy to get to the point where your toddler will play by him or herself is to stay for a few minutes to watch the play begin then walk away. The more you do this, the more your child will become engrossed in his or her imagination.

1. Jumbo String Beads

These look great! This kind of STEM toy works on fine motor skills, colors, shapes and they can be used to work on counting as well. The holes are big enough for little fingers to minimize frustration.

I also found lower case lacing letters that use the same concept but the toddler can work on his or her sounds, letter recognition and letter order!

2. Pic n’ Mix

These toys not only keep your toddler busy but are also educational.

Your toddler will get to color sort, recognize colors, use fine motor skills and creativity to mix and match the puzzle pieces.

What I love about these is that they are made out of a safe plastic that can easily be cleaned. Lastly, this will be a perfect toy to take out to eat or during trips because of the handy dandy carrying case.

3. Magnetic Drawing Board

I totally forgot about these! When our oldest was little he had a Thomas the Train Magnetic drawing board that he loved so much. That thing is long gone so I can’t wait to get one for our youngest this year.

As with anything, there are a lot of different options for this kind of toy. Check out this video from VTech:

The Write and Learn Creative Center by VTech has some added learning features as with all of their toys.

4. Lacing and Threading Toys

We got a few of these lace and trace toys during a busy bag playdate once. These types of toys keep your toddler busy as he or she focuses on putting the lace through each hole.

Without him even knowing it, he’s working on his hand-eye coordination, motor skills, attention and planning skills along with learning his animals, letters or whatever the object is that he’s lacing.

5. Wikki Sticks

Have you seen these things before?!

Wikki Sticks are pieces of yarn covered in wax sticks making them a super quiet and clean activity for your toddler. Score!

Your little person can use his or her imagination while getting some sensory input from the feeling of the wax. Thankfully, Wikki sticks are made with safety in mind.

6. Math Linking Cubes

Over the summer, every time I would go to pick up my boys from the gym child center, they would be playing with these cubes. Intended for math and counting, my boys used them to create tops, superheroes, toy guns, buildings and whatever else their little imaginations thought up to build.

We ended up getting a set and all three of my boys spend hours playing with them.

math counting cube activities for toddlers

In the picture above, all we did was put the bin of cubes on the ground then slowly backed away. They were so cute I wish I had video! My son made a “brush” and proceeded to brush his little friend’s hair. Then they both made phones and were calling each other. All of this with zero direction from any adult. THIS is how toddlers learn and make sense of their world. Having a friend to do it with is always an added bonus of learning communication and social and emotional skills.

Oh! They can be used for their intended purpose of counting and math skills, too, of course!

7. Bristle Blocks

Bristle blocks are a great sensory building toy. My son got these for Christmas last year and the little travel case has been very convenient for when we are on the go.

I have heard that these can get caught in long hair, so use with caution.

8. Busy Boards

How fun are these toddler busy boards?!

For my son’s first birthday, his aunt got him a busy board that could be customized with pictures of our family. He’s almost three and still plays with it!

Working on those motor skills and creativity is so important and these toys help with exactly that! I love the Montessori busy cube, too!

9. Squigz

We have Froogz which I would’ve linked but I couldn’t find them on Prime. Squigz are basically the same thing. Regardless of the name, this toy is very fun for toddlers once they can get the pieces to create a suction.

Living in Arizona, our floors are all hard surfaces so they stick quite well to our tile. Our two-year-old also likes to stick them to our stainless steel fridge in our kitchen and our fridge in the camper.

Another way to play with these toys is to suction the pieces together! These are toys that keep your toddler busy for a good chunk of time.

Once your toddler can do it on his or her own, a lot of self-play action happens!

10. Wooden Blocks

You can never go wrong with classic wooden blocks. These have lasted us for over nine years. Even after being played with a lot, they are still in great shape. Surprisingly, the wooden box they came in is still in perfect condition too!

classic wooden blocks for toddlers to stay busy

In addition to these, Melissa and Doug has many other wooden building toys that complement the blocks perfectly. The construction vehicles are great because they are puzzle-like and have stickers on the bottom to show the child what pieces go together.

toddler playing with wooden cars

Lastly, this car carpet playmat is a perfect addition to spark more imagination. It’s great for our house because we have zero carpeted floors and the tile and wood get a little cool on the tush. Double score!

11. Felt Storyboards

Do you remember these from Sunday School growing up? Or maybe it was just our class that did them. I loved watching the teacher tell stories through felt.

My brother got this for my boys a few years ago for Christmas and again, it’s a toy that has not disappointed. We have even used it for our FOCUS time and on long car trips to go camping.

Our toddler is just starting to understand the concept. He loves to make the people do funny things. Whatever keeps him busy!

12. Reusable Sticker pads

Stickers are great but they can stick to things you don’t want them to such as clothes that get washed and become ruined.

These reusable sticker pads by Melissa & Doug have been very durable and easy to take with us.

With the different scenes, a whole lot of creativity is used. Also, those fine motor skills are put to use as the toddler pulls the sticker up and places it on the mat.

supply lists to keep toddlers busy

Activities To Keep Toddlers Busy (with Supply Lists)!

In addition to toys, I wanted to come up with a list of supplies I could throw into a bag or put out on the counter and let my toddler get (and stay) busy! Most of these are inspired by or are activities directly from other bloggers. Check out the full activities from the other sites by going to the links provided.

We tested a few of the activities with TWO toddlers. They did a little solo self-play and created together. I love this age!

busy activities for toddlers

1. Sorting Activities

Activity from Teaching Mama

Have your toddler sort items such as fuzzy pom-poms by putting them in a divided tray or small containers. You can get creative and label each of the sections with say, an animal, color or number.

Supply List:

pipe cleaner activities for toddlers

2. Pipe Cleaner Activities

Activities from Teaching Mama, How Wee Learn, The Imagination Tree, And Next Comes L Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails, Speak, Play, Love and Hands On As We Grow

Who knew pipe cleaners were so perfect for little hands?! The possibilities are endless!

If you are on Pinterest, I’m sure you have seen the pipe cleaner colander activity! It’s super simple and toddlers love it! The pipe cleaners fit perfectly into the holes of a colander. The more holes, the better.

There are even more interesting and entertaining ways toddlers and preschoolers can use pipe cleaners! I found many ideas from activity bloggers including:

  • Button trees – Simply stick the pipe cleaners in the holes of the buttons. You can wrap a few of the pipe cleaners together to form trees to make it a little more fun.
pipe cleaner button trees for preschoolers
  • Pipe-cleaners, clothespins – clip together, wrap the popsicle sticks, or toddlers can do whatever their creative hearts desire.
  • Cardboard tube threading activity – Use the pipe cleaners to connect the cut toilet paper rolls.
  • Pipe-cleaners and pasta coral reef (idea was inspired from this fine motor activity) – Take balls of play dough to use as a stand. Stick the pipe-cleaners into the playdough then stick them through the holes of penne pasta. The kids loved this activity and said it looked like coral! And our little friend skipped the pipe cleaners and stuck the pasta straight into the play dough which worked well, too!
pipe cleaners, pasta and playdough toddler activity
make a coral reef out of pipe cleaners, playdough and penne pasta
  • Pool noodles and pipe cleaner structures – Cut the pool noodles to make small pieces. Then use the pipe cleaners to stack the cut noodles.
  • Pipe cleaners and recycled plastic containers – a fine motor skill activity putting pipe cleaners into holes of a plastic lid.
  • Contact paper art – Tape the contact paper to a flat surface with the sticky side up and let your toddler put whatever items he or she wants to. These toddlers really liked this activity! They made monster faces and then had fun throwing the pom poms into the air to see what would stick.
contact paper art

Supply List:

ice cube fun in backyard

3. Ice Cube Fun

Activity ideas from Twins Mommy, Busy Toddler, Beauty Through Imperfection and Things to Share and Remember

I love the idea of giving your toddler ice for so many reasons. There’s a sensory aspect to it, cause and effect (what happens when the ice is out of the freezer too long) amongst whatever else you want to add to it.

This can be as simple as dumping a bunch of ice into a tray or bin and letting your toddler or preschooler go crazy! Or you can get a little more creative using ice cube-shaped trays, plastic animals and fun scoopers.

sort ice cubes with trays and spatulas

Sometimes activities using a non-toy item beats toys that keep your toddler busy. And it’s much cheaper!

You can also add more creativity to make this activity last a little longer.

Ice Cube Activity Ideas:

toddlers eating ice cubes

And if you want to do more ice activities for kids of all ages, check out this Winter Ice post by Stacy at Things to Remember and Share.

Supply List:

toddler ice cube activity

4. Felt Activities

Activity ideas from Toddler Approved, Happy Hooligans, Powerful Mothering

Last but not least, there are so many creative ways you can use felt to keep your toddler busy! The texture of the felt feels good on little hands and the colors are an added bonus.

The one catch with using this material is the additional prep work such as cutting or poking holes. However, once you have done the work, you can store the materials in small bins for easy grab and play activities. It’s like having homemade toys that keep your toddler busy.

Simple Felt Activity Ideas:

  • Button Snake – cut holes in small pieces of felt, attach a large button at the end of a ribbon, then thread the ribbon through holes of the felt.
  • Felt Caterpillar – have your child make a caterpillar by putting felt circles on a bigger piece of felt.
  • Crazy Straw Felt Activity – Cut small circles or other shapes like squares and hearts out of felt. Next, cut a small slit in the middle. Give to your toddler so he or she can slide the felt shapes onto the crazy straws.

Supply List:

contact paper art for toddlers

Go Get Busy!

Now I’m exhausted and all I did was search and write..and I guess, take pictures of two super adorable toddlers!

A great tip to pull all of this together is to have a closet designated for all the busy toys and bins with the activity supplies divided and ready to go.

Also remember that when toddlers have too many things to play with at once, they tend to play less because it’s overwhelming to their developing brains. Give your toddler one toy or activity at a time and keep the supplies for the activities to a minimum!

Lastly, to get your toddler to want to play on his or her own, encourage through strengths, not through saying, “Good job!”

To help you discover what your little person’s strengths are, I created an Encouragement through Strengths Printable free for you to download when you sign up for my newsletter!

Subscribe to Receive Your Free Printable!

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encourage toddlers to play

What Am I Missing?

Do you have any great toys or activities that keep your toddler busy? If so, comment below!

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By 62 Comments

10 Tips for Raising Grateful Kids

My two-year-old learned the phrase, “thank you” as soon as he could speak. Anytime someone does something nice for him, gives him something or does what he asks, he responds with the absolute cutest, “tank you.” And my older boys follow suit. It sure makes me feel like I am raising grateful kids.

Then, I realized that although they say those words that it’s not always followed up with action or a grateful heart or even attitude. At first, I thought it was mainly because of entitlement but found out that there are other reasons as well.

Read Next: 4 Surprising Reasons Your Children Are Ungrateful

raising grateful kids

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

My husband and I want to raise grateful kids who are thoughtful, compassionate, and happy. I think many parents have these same goals.

The question is then, how do we do this?

First, we need to break down what gratitude is.

For You! Sign up for my newsletter and receive a FREE Gratitude toolkit including Gratitude Poster, Random Acts of Kindness cards, Dinnertime Reflection cards, and a few worksheets that teach empathy!

The Four Parts of Gratitude

When you think about gratitude, you probably think of teaching your child to say, “thank you”, at appropriate times. However, gratitude is a little more than that.

As part of the Raising Grateful Children project at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, the researchers found that parents are really good at telling their kids what to do to show gratitude but often neglect to teach the other three parts.

I’m sure you have said it a time or two…“Now, what do you say?”

talk to kids about gratitude

Gratitude can be broken down into four parts:

1. NOTICE – Simply take note of all that there is to be thankful for.

Use a gratitude journal, and give thanks at the dinner table or on the drive to school.

Ask: “What do you currently have in your life you are thankful for?” And “Is there something more to be thankful for than just the material item such as someone thinking about you when they bring you a gift?”

2. THINK – Take time to think about why you have the things, people, and experiences in your life.

The best time to do this is when you are having quality time together, around the dinner table, during a family meeting, or when someone does something kind.

Encourage your kids to think about these things on their own as they go on with their day.

Ask: “Do you think you earned this gift?” “What was the motive of the giver?” “Do you think every child gets to have these experiences?” “Do you think you deserved to do that or receive that gift?” “What do you think about reciprocating the gift to the person who gave that to you?”

3. FEEL – Get in touch with how the things you are most thankful for make you feel.

Have a conversation as soon as a child is given a gift or experience. You can even have your child close his or her eyes and really get in touch with how a gift or experience makes him or her feel.

Ask: “How does that make you feel?” “What part of that experience makes you the happiest?” “What kinds of feelings do you have when you think about that gift?”

4. DO – Say and take action to express gratitude.

Explaining to kids what they can do to thank someone usually happens at the moment, but can also be done anytime. Make a habit of creating thank you cards or gifts of gratitude when your child receives something.

Engaging in paying it forward or random acts of kindness is another great way to do this.

Ask: “What can you do or say to let the giver know you are thankful?” “Getting that gift makes you happy! Do you think you would want someone else to feel that way? How would you do that?”

This is a helpful video that walks you through discussions with your kid from The Greater Good Science Center. Check out more of their videos here.

It’s important to look at all of these for raising grateful kids who spread joy in the world and who become better humans and personally benefit from this daily practice.

Read Next: The Importance of Quality Time

raising grateful kids

The Loss of Gratitude Over Time

The reason why it’s important to be mindfully aware of what it is that you are grateful for is that the emotional connection tends to wear off. This is something called hedonic adaptation.

Great emotions like joy and happiness or even loss and sadness dwindle over time.

This explains why kids are so excited to receive a toy but then within a few days or months (or sometimes even hours, right?!), they barely touch it.

It’s not that they don’t appreciate it, they just become used to it and the excitement goes away. Doing a toy rotation can help minimize this hedonic adaptation and keep you from feeling like you need to buy new toys constantly.

According to Greater Good Magazine,  “research suggests that some degree of scarcity and restraint is more conducive to happiness.” This is good to keep in mind as we dive into all the ways we can teach and practice gratitude with our children.

raising grateful kids by teaching empathy

The Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to Kids

With all the reasons why we don’t have grateful kids, and why gratitude is so important to our own state of being and our children’s, I wanted to know,

What can we do to make sure we are raising grateful kids?

1. Model the Behavior

This should be NUMBER one on any top list involving parenting. The single most important thing we can do is model what we want our children to learn and do.

We can talk the talk but what matters is that we walk the walk. Amiright?

If we are never thanking people or are constantly grumbling, our kids will probably follow suit regardless of the words we tell them.

During your day-to-day, find ways to express gratitude toward others. Thank someone who opens the door for you, say, “thank you” to people who let you go in front of them while driving (even though the other driver can’t even hear you; because your kids can!), or return someone’s cart at the grocery store.

When something goes wrong, verbally express the good that came from that situation.

2. Talk About Gratitude

Lately, I’ve been greeting my kids in the morning with, “I’m thankful to see your smile this morning.” Also, “I’m thankful to be your mom.” The more they see that I’m truly thankful for them, the more they will return that feeling to me and others.

Use all the questions listed under the four parts of gratitude to spark conversations. I flat-out tell my kids about what is and isn’t beneficial for their brain development.

3. Volunteer and Give Back

Put your words into action by giving your children opportunities to serve and give to others.

Volunteer at a local nonprofit or better yet, take your children on a service trip.

Most people who go outside of the country to make a change say they are the ones who come back changed.

community service volunteer youth

I’ve been taking my oldest to the homeless shelter to read to the kid residents. The experience has been far more impactful than I realized it would be. He is being exposed to what homelessness really looks like, not just what he assumed. Some of the kids who walk in that door don’t smell clean and are wearing clothes and shoes that are three sizes too big. However, some kids come in looking just like him with electronics in their pockets.

Seeing how others are living and thinking about and discussing their living situation has changed my son’s perspective about his own life. Every single time we get back in our van, his heart nearly bursts and explodes with joy. His experience doesn’t just end there, either. It has led to so many incredible conversations and actions of generosity.

book drive

AND because of his actions, his brother has grown in empathy by wanting to give back as well. Because he isn’t old enough to volunteer, he took it upon himself to do a book drive in his class and collected over five bags of books!

4. Create Gratitude Habits

Weave gratitude into your daily life!

Here are some very simple ideas of habits that can lead to raising grateful kids.

raising grateful kids

Gratitude Journal

Every night before bed, write down three things that went well that day (even if it was a horrible day) and what you are thankful for. Turning negatives into positives is very impactful on the brain. Or if it’s too much to write it down, simply state three things!

Dinner Conversations

Every night before we start eating, we say a prayer and thank God for all the good (and not-so-good) things happening in our lives. Occasionally, each child goes around and names something they are thankful for.

Because I wanted to get more consistent with this, I created a Daily Reflection Card. It’s free for you to download as part of the Gratitude Toolkit. We want to start using these as a way to discuss the good, the challenging, and something we did that was thoughtful during our day.

PS: And to clarify in the picture below: It says, “legos ssssss. I’m a ssssnake,” because something else might jump out at you!)

daily reflection card

Use Pictures

If your kid has a phone, text a picture each week of something that you appreciate. My kids have watches like this so I text thankful reminders. This can spark bigger conversations on the topics of gratitude!

A friend of mine said she printed a photo I took of a cactus with bright fuschia flowers. She has it on a bookshelf she sees as soon as she wakes up every day. As she gets out of bed, she uses the photo as a reminder to think about things she’s grateful for. How sweet is that?!

Car Conversations

Another great time to list what you are grateful for is when everyone is trapped in the car! Listening to Christian radio helps initiate conversation. Another idea is to develop a habit. Before you put the car into drive, have everyone mention something they are thankful for.

thankful boy savoring

5. Savor

You have probably heard of this word in terms of savoring food, but did you know you can savor almost anything you experience?

Savoring is when you become mindfully engaged and aware of your feelings during positive events.

When you do this, your joy and happiness increase. Savoring can also improve relationships, better physical and emotional health, and increase creativity.

There are many ways to do this!

raise grateful boys

Create Mental Pictures

Teach your child to stop and become mentally aware of positive experiences.

Is your child having the time of his life at a soccer game? Encourage him to stop and think about how he feels. Mentally record the reactions of the other players, what it felt like to kick the ball, and even what the weather and atmosphere were like that day.

When my kids make their toddler brother giggle, I tell them to record that memory in their minds. By encouraging them to close their eyes, I have them think about what it sounds like and how that giggle makes them feel. Then when they open their eyes to see their brother’s adorable little face, they record what he looks like in their minds.

I did this a lot when that little guy was born. After having a rough pregnancy with extreme morning sickness and overwhelming amounts of sadness, his presence quickly became a time of joy that I didn’t want to forget.

Fully Experience Every Sense

It’s been fun to watch how this has impacted my son who is naturally pessimistic and suffers from anxiety. I encourage him to focus on one sense while thinking positively.

An easy way to do this is to cook and eat a favorite meal. While cooking, have your child hone in on his or her smelling sense by closing her eyes. Take a deep breath in to really enjoy that smell. Then when it’s finished, stare at the food to appreciate what it looks like. If they like textures, the food can also be savored while chewing and lastly, they can zero in on the yummy taste.

Compare the Experience

Get your child to look outside of her world and compare what she’s experiencing to others. Does she come to you saying she’s bored because she doesn’t have anything to play with?

Remind her that there are children who have no toys and to be grateful for what she does have. Or better yet, take her to donate a toy to one of those kids.

raising grateful kids reading about empathy

6. Read Books About Gratitude and Reciprocity

Research has shown that reciprocity of kind acts is not natural or instinctual. Instead, it must be taught.

A simple way to do this is to read a book that teaches this concept or simply show how you return kindness and gratitude.

We love this book, “Do Unto Otters” by Laurie Keller!

There are many other books that teach gratitude in a fun way.

7. Mental Subtraction

Experts suggest you take at least one day a week to do this practice. I think spending every Sunday night with your child would be a perfect time!

Encourage your child to think of a very joyous event such as when he got a new puppy, had a special time with grandma, won an award or trophy, etc. Then help him process what it took to get to make that event or experience possible.

Next, write down how it could’ve gone differently or what could have stood in the way of it happening.

Lastly, have your child shift his or her focus to remembering that the event actually did occur and that it wasn’t something that was for sure going to happen. Help them realize choices had to be made and certain circumstances had to fall in line to follow God’s plan. Remind them THAT is something to be thankful for.

Teaching empathy

8. Teach Empathy

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

Empathy is about seeing other people’s perspectives but ALSO caring about that person.

This idea goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence and can lead to so many positive things in a little person’s life such as forming strong relationships, developing acceptance for others, developing good mental health, creating high levels of happiness, and reducing toxic stress.

According to Goodstart Early Learning, “Building an understanding of what others are feeling, how their own actions can impact others, and why someone might be experiencing feelings at a particular time is a valuable life skill for children to possess.” And I believe it leads to raising grateful kids.

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raising grateful kids

Fun Ways to Teach Empathy

  1. Point to and Mimic Emotions. We do this a lot with our toddler! Any time a child is crying at the store or someone is angry in our house, our little guy labels that emotion. When we leave the situation, I ask him to mimic that child so he can get an understanding of the emotion.
  2. Role Play. Act out different scenarios of people with different emotions.
  3. Point Out Animal Emotions. This one can be fun. Dogs and cats can be quite expressive so ask your child what kind of emotion she thinks she is experiencing. And if you don’t have a pet, point out animals you see outside or go to the zoo. How is the lion feeling today?
  4. Talk About Feelings. You want to ask your child how they feel about a situation, but if that’s not working, express how you felt about a certain situation when you were his age.
  5. Make a Feelings Collage. Take your old magazines and have your child cut out the people. Then under each photo, label how that person is feeling.
  6. Play a Game. Find a fun game that promotes empathy and understanding feelings. Here are a few I found on Amazon:
family playing board games to teach gratitude

A gift for you! I have created a Gratitude Toolkit which includes two worksheets that encourage and teach empathy! Click here to sign up for the newsletter and receive the toolkit for free!

9. Give Your Kids Responsibilities

I love this quote,

“Do not do for a child what he can do for himself.”

teaching responsibility leads to thankfulness

The reason is that when you do, you’re taking away so much. Not only a sense of competence but the ability for your child to fail and more importantly, learn.

We are all about giving our kids autonomy in this house which includes instilling the value of hard work to help and support each other.

If you are still doing your child’s laundry, packing his lunch, waking him up for school, and doing everything else for him, start small.

Chores and Contributions

Maybe begin with one chore a week. Let your child pick the time, day, and task. When kids feel like they are in charge, they are more likely to want to help.

One of my boys loves dusting and doing laundry because he gets to be in control of when and how he does it! I also show gratitude and thank him for helping me so I can spend more time with him to do fun activities! See what I did there, I’m modeling gratitude also while ensuring my child isn’t becoming entitled.

kids doing chores

Routines

Help your kids come up with morning and evening routines so they can follow them without your help. I let my kids pick the order of their routines, made these awesome charts, laminated them, and hung them on our command center corkboard.

It has reduced the nagging so much and allows my kids to be thankful they can make their own choices and get themselves ready for school and bed without having to rely on me or my husband.

routine charts for kids

BONUS! Sign up for my newsletter and receive FREE routine charts!

Tools

A great way to help your kids take responsibility and in turn, learn how to be grateful for the privileges they have is to give them tools. We use timers for so many different things from homework to chores to screen time.

Our boys also wake up using an alarm clock. After spending a ton of time reading and seeing what praise and rewards were doing to our kids, we threw all the sticker charts away. There are lots of other tools, mental and physical, that kids can use to become self-motivated and competent.

10. Teach Humility

Gratitude is born of humility, for it acknowledges the giftedness of the creation and the benevolence of the Creator. This recognition gives birth to acts marked by attention and responsibility. Ingratitude, on the other hand, is marked by hubris, which denies the gift, and this always leads to inattention, irresponsibility, and abuse.

~Mark T. Mitchell, Professor of Political Science at Patrick Henry College in Virgini

toddler who is thankful

In order to overcome ingratitude, our kids need to understand how to be humble. This allows our kids to turn outside of themselves.

A truly humble person understands that the life he or she has been given is a gift rather than a right. Humility protects them from expecting to get everything they want without thinking anything needs to be owed in return.

And yet, humility is NOT natural.

Teaching your kids to be humble is a lot of ways the same as all the ways to teach them gratitude. In addition, talk about it and call them out when they are acting as if their poo doesn’t stink. But of course, do it in a connective non-shaming way.

Gratitude Changes Everything

Remember, we have the power to encourage compassion, kindness, empathy, and happiness in our children’s lives. The number one way to make sure you are raising grateful kids is to teach them how to express gratitude for all they have and get to do.

In summary, here are the Top 10 Ways to Teach Gratitude to ensure we are raising grateful kids:

  1. Model
  2. Talk About Thankfulness
  3. Volunteer/Give back
  4. Create Gratitude Habits
  5. Savor
  6. Read books about Gratitude
  7. Do Mental Subtraction Exercises
  8. Teach Empathy
  9. Give Your Kids Responsibilities
  10. Teach Humility

Don’t Forget! Your Free Gratitude Toolkit

raising grateful kids toolkit

I created a gratitude toolkit to help you with raising grateful kids. It includes:

  • A fill-in-the-blank gratitude poster
  • A FUN worksheet to teach your child about emotions and how others feel
  • A worksheet to help your child understand what his or her strengths are in understanding others and what he or she can improve upon.
  • Daily reflection cards for the whole family
  • Random acts of kindness hearts to help your children find ways to bless others
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gratitude toolkit

What Are Ways You Teach Gratitude?

Do you have a daily practice or volunteer? Do you feel like you are raising grateful kids? I’d love to hear all about it! Comment below or email me at adriane@raisingkidswithpurpose.com!

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By 52 Comments

4 Surprising Reasons Your Children are Ungrateful

Most parents I know work hard to give their kids “the world.” This often results in an inundation with so. much. stuff. And I’m not only referring to physical toys and gifts but rather, all the different places they can go to be entertained and the fun things they get to experience. Financial status (at least here in the U.S.) doesn’t necessarily differentiate kids from having too much either as there are so many free resources like local city and library events and giveaways. And yet, children can seem so ungrateful.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

This can leave us feeling like we need to lecture them on how good they have it…with a PowerPoint and all! Telling stories about how we only had two Barbie Dolls and some craft kits instead of having a room full of toys. And only got to go to the zoo twice in our whole childhood instead of having the opportunity to go every weekend. Or how we had to walk to school uphill both ways. Ha!

But is that how we teach gratitude?

Do we tell our children that they are ungrateful or threaten to take away all of their toys and park passes? Does that help them see that they, in fact, have a pretty darn good life?

No, this actually doesn’t keep our kids from being ungrateful as lectures rarely do.

So what’s the big deal about gratitude anyway? Does it really matter if our child thanks us for all that we do and give to them?

Gratitude Matters

It’s important to look at all the reasons why our children are ungrateful so we can instill gratitude because it’s important to their well-being.

The mere act of thinking about what we are grateful for is beneficial for our psychological, emotional, and even physical health! We don’t have to even be thankful, instead, we only need to start thinking about it.

Seriously, right now, think about how grateful you are for each of your precious blessings. Simply reading that sentence alone can be beneficial.

Concrete and Connective Gratitude

Yes, raising grateful kids leads to good manners which are referred to as a concrete type of gratitude, but there are so many more health benefits when people reach connective gratitude!

According to PositivePsychology.com, ” {Connective gratitude} is a fully understood and appreciated receipt of whatever has been given. The appreciation is returned in a meaningful and heartfelt way, benefiting both the receiver and the giver. For gratitude to be an effective way to increase happiness, it must be felt, and connective gratitude is the key.”

There have been countless studies on the practice of being thankful. All have shown an increase in happiness, determination, focus, enthusiasm, and energy!

It’s important to note that teaching and practicing gratitude isn’t about comparing our situations to others who have it “worse.” As that has shown not to be as helpful. Instead, gratitude is about appreciating your life and all the things in it.

Our brains are not wired to focus on both negative and positive stimuli simultaneously.

It also falls back on the confirmation basis of looking for something the mind already knows to be true. Therefore, the more you acknowledge what you are thankful for, the more your brain looks for things to be thankful for. And remember, this feeling of gratitude leads to a whole slew of positive things in due time!

The Benefits of Being Grateful

My focus in this post is about our children but being grateful has the same impact if not more on us!

  • Expressing gratitude can increase oxytocin in the brain which promotes empathy, relaxation, generosity, calmness, trust, attachment, intimacy, and a sense of safety. It also reduces the stress hormone which in turn, reduces anxiety.
  • Thinking about what we are thankful for can redirect our attention from toxic emotions such as resentment, regret, and bitterness.
  • Grateful kids often grow up to be emotionally, physically, and socially successful.
  • Kids who can look at their lives and be thankful for what they have often have decreased levels of depression, envy, and materialism.
  • Thankful kids can recognize the goodness in their life which helps them feel more connected and loved.
  • Appreciation leads to generosity. Studies show that the more grateful a person is, the more likely he or she is to give to others.
  • Acknowledging gratitude fosters strong relationships.
  • It can train the brain to be more sensitive to other people over time which then leads to… an improved life and overall mental health!

The Surprising Reasons Children Are Ungrateful

Figuring out why children are ungrateful is important to understand so we can make a change.

Developmentally, kids can typically understand gratitude starting between the ages of four and six. Besides development, there are other reasons why kids may keep asking for more, not say thank you, can’t see the good or have an ungrateful attitude when something nice is given or done for them.

One of the most common reasons can accidentally be brought on by us, their parents. Gasp! And there can be a few other things as play, as well.

1. Entitlement

I found this definition of entitlement, which is quite fitting for looking at why children are ungrateful: “An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.”

The culprit can be giving a child everything they want when they want it.

A book I highly recommend on this issue is “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic” by Amy McCready. She says, “The entitlement epidemic usually begins with over-parenting—over-indulging, over-protecting, over-pampering, over-praising, and jumping through hoops to meet kids’ endless demands,”

Read More: Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What We Can Do Instead. As a bonus, by signing up for my newsletter, you will receive a Free Printable that helps you stop over-praising your children by giving you ways to encourage them through their strengths.

We want our kids to be happy so we unintentionally start to mow down every object in their way or hover over them to ensure they never fail.

All people, young and old, learn through making mistakes!

If we don’t ever allow our kids to experience failure, they will start to form unrealistic expectations about the world around them.

I also want to note that kids can feel entitled even without over-parenting. When looking at the psychology of entitlement, it can actually be a coping mechanism.

A child who has a lot less than his or her peers may start to feel entitled to have all of those things. Lastly, it can also be filling a compelling need to feel admired or have an excessive sense of self-importance. This can result in feeling like they are better than others. Narcissism can be the culprit but thankfully, there are ways to overcome that too!

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Signs of Entitlement:

It’s important to acknowledge if our child has or is starting to have an entitlement problem.

The first step is awareness.

This could be something that can cause you to feel guilt or shame, but don’t! It already happened so let’s look at what we can do about it! Instead, look forward and think about how much you are going to help your child by getting him or her off of the entitlement train now!

Signs that a child is becoming or is entitled:

  1. Will only do something if he will be receiving some kind of reward or bribe.
  2. Never feels like she has enough, but instead, is constantly wanting more.
  3. Doesn’t help anyone else and only thinks of him or herself.
  4. Acts as if rules are only for others.
  5. Expects that someone will come to his rescue anytime he is in trouble or needs help.
  6. Can’t go shopping without whining to the point where you give in to buy whatever it is that she wants.
  7. Doesn’t take the blame even if a problem is his fault.
  8. Is unable to handle any kind of disappointment.

2. Living in a Bubble

Another reason children can be ungrateful is that they don’t have any experience to compare life to.

When children are little, it’s great to encourage them to donate toys or backpacks to others in need. However, unless they can get a firsthand experience of what it’s like to live in that way, the lesson can be lost.

Yes, the world can be a scary and sad place, but it’s when we become gloriously broken and see how we can spread joy and goodness in the world, that we truly experience what life is meant to be.

The Benefits of Volunteering For Kids:

  1. Volunteering builds a sense of empathy and compassion. Kids tend to connect with and build empathy for those they can relate to. Thinking about others can change one’s perspective on his or her own life.
  2. It can shape their lives to look at the greater good.
  3. Helping others can give your child a sense of purpose and personal satisfaction leading to more happiness.
  4. It can promote collaboration and teamwork. This, in turn, can help a child become more grateful for the people they have supporting them and who or what they are serving.
  5. It can help kids acknowledge how grateful they are for their parents and family.
  6. Lastly, volunteering opens kids’ eyes to a world other than their own.

To fully receive all that volunteering offers in opening a child’s eyes to a different perspective, reflect afterward. Start a conversation about the impact he or she made and vice versa. Get your child thinking by asking open-ended questions about the experience.

3. Exchange Relationship

Understanding this concept has totally opened my eyes to look differently at what I thought was ungratefulness.

There are many studies on kids receiving rewards or gifts and a sense of gratitude.

One study done at Yale found that kids ages 4-8 years old were less likely to feel a deep sense of gratitude if they thought they earned a reward or gift because it was expected. The kids also had no desire to give to others. Researchers describe what looks like ungratefulness as actually an “exchange relationship.“

Whereas, when the children were randomly given the reward out of pure generosity by the giver, there was a greater emotional impact. This deeper sense of gratitude caused the kids to be intrinsically motivated to give to others.

Think about gifts that are given to your kids that are expected such as Christmas and birthdays. During the summer, you may go to special fun places like the Children’s Museum, Science Center, or waterpark. You take time, effort, and money into giving something really special to your child. However, they may see it as an exchange relationship because getting gifts and going places during these times is expected. Therefore, it’s natural for your children to not be as emotionally impacted as they would be if you surprised them with a trip to their favorite froyo place.

A perfect example of this is how my son reacted after receiving some gifts from his grandma. For his birthday, she got him a Lego set he loved. His reaction, though, was very, “meh.” He was appreciative but he didn’t express much gratitude. Then recently, she surprised him with a few pairs of new pajamas. He acted as if he just won the lottery he was so excited. Over PAJAMAS!

Learning about this concept of exchange relationship helped me see he wasn’t ungrateful for the birthday present, he just wasn’t as emotionally impacted because it was expected.

4. Need for Autonomy

This one really surprised me! Your children can seem like they are ungrateful by not thanking you for something because they need autonomy. The study I found was done on teenagers, but I see this as being a reason for my adolescent son as well.

Teenhood is a time when adulthood is knocking on the door! This population is mentally preparing for the departure from their life away from you.

In Pro Bronson’s book, Nurture Shock, he says, “For kids with a strong need for autonomy and independence, it might be demoralizing to recognize how much they are dependent upon grownups.” “Their sense of independence might be an illusion, but it’s a necessary illusion for the psychological balance and future growth into genuine independence. Their lack of gratitude might be the way they maintain the illusion that they are in control of their own lives.”

This is a good thing to keep in mind when we think our children are ungrateful ________________ (you fill in the blank…I prefer to call them turkeys. Ha!).

Bonus! Not sure what your kids are capable of doing? Sign up for my newsletter and receive a Free Skills By Age Printable!

Reframe Your Response

Next time you give your child a gift and they throw it to the side wanting more, stop and think why they are having that reaction.

Is it because they are entitled, they don’t have anything to compare it to, that the gift is expected or that they are fighting for autonomy?

Instead of jumping to telling your kids how ungrateful they are, focus on teaching them how to be grateful. Work on reaching that connective state of gratitude which will have a lifelong impact on their lives.

Are Your Children Ungrateful?

Do your kids fall into any of these categories when they forget to thank you or show appreciation? Comment below!

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8 Tips For Having a Family Meeting

In the past when a problem came up, we would often be reactionary with our kids. We had certain rules set in place but weren’t always consistent. It was easy to give in to lessen the yelling and whining. Oh, the whining sure wears me down.

When my husband and I saw a behavior we didn’t like, we would address it right then. If I saw that there was a way one of my kids could contribute to the family, without warning, I would tell them that this was their new chore. No discussion. No sense of autonomy. No checking in with their minds or hearts.

Tips for having family meetings

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

How family meetings impact our life

It didn’t occur to me until I was reading Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students that having a family meeting could help change things. It’s especially helpful for gifted kiddos but for all kids. I feel like I benefit just as much.

Another thing to consider is that we are born with wanting to belong. Where else should we feel welcome and like we’re part of a team than with our own family?

We consistently now have family meetings on Sundays and they have impacted our kids in such a huge way. The meetings are usually a mix of screaming, running around, dancing and cheering with a dash of order.

To be honest, it can feel crazy. One kid keeps leaving the room. The other is gluing and taping paper together. The littlest is there for the dancing. Even with the chaos, something amazing happens:

  • Our kids have input on decisions that impact them.
  • Problems or challenges get addressed in a judgment-free zone.
  • Our family values are highlighted and reiterated.
  • We find out if there’s something going on with someone that didn’t come up during the week.
  • Everyone feels like they are part of something bigger than themselves. They have others cheering them on.
  • Chores and family contributions are assigned.

Related: 6 Genius Ways to Make Your Family Values Stick

Why Should We Have Family Meetings?

Family Meetings can help build stronger families. Because everyone is in one room together with no other agenda than to communicate with each other, it develops an unbreakable bond. As years go on, these times together create memories of support. There may be complaints in the process as we have experienced with our kids. I can tell deep down under the occasional grumbling, tthat hey value the time together.

These are the things that children can learn:

  • Listening skills
  • How to be respectful to others
  • Self-confidence and how to have a high self-esteem
  • Using their voice to communicate how they feel or what they want
  • Problem-solving skills and how to learn from mistakes
  • How to present and resolve issues or conflicts collaboratively
  • Family members are interdependent. The actions they take can affect everyone else in the family
  • How to have a different perspective than just their own

Read Next: An Easy Way for Kids To Pack School Lunch

The goal of a Family Meeting should be to open communication between everyone in the family. Allowing our kids to have a voice gives them autonomy but also in this type of environment, they can get a lot of guidance and know who is ultimately in charge.

Quick Tip! To have a successful family meeting, use my FREE Family Meeting Agenda.

Tips for Having a Successful Family Meeting

Keep in mind that family dynamics play a part in how a family meeting can be conducted. The idea is to do what works best for your family. Here are some tips and guidelines that can help set up successful Family Meetings.

Set Ground Rules 

Being respectful, listening more than speaking, not interrupting, building others up not tearing them down are all examples of simple ground rules everyone should follow.

My oldest has a VERY tough time with not interrupting, disagreeing, or having to contribute his ideas and opinions to every discussion so this is often a weekly skill we discuss that he needs to work on for that week.

Bring On The Treats!

Have a special treat for the kids to have during the meeting.

This can be anything from popcorn, special smoothies, muffins to frozen yogurt. Our kids aren’t used to getting a lot of sweet treats so a family meeting is a perfect time to let them indulge a little.

Make It Short

Try to aim for 15 minutes or less.

Have an agenda, get through it, and let everyone feel heard. This is a tough one for me. When we first started having meetings, we would all say something nice about each person in our family. Then once all the compliments were finished, that person would get to dance around the house hearing us chant their name. My toddler LOVED this part.

But what ended up happening was the meeting got dragged out making it too long to keep attention.

Keep It Positive and Light

The goal should be to keep the overall tone light and positive.

Encourage your children to use “I” statements whenever they are addressing a conflict with another family member.

For example, “It didn’t feel good whenever you kept shooting me with Nerf guns while I was doing my homework.” And try to insert humor and laughter when possible. Share a funny story that happened that previous week or a joke you recently heard.

Keep A Consistent Day For The Meeting

Try to find a day (and try to be consistent with time) that you regularly have meetings.

If you have to skip a week, pick right back up the following week. Our day is Saturday because when we tried during the week after school, it was a total disaster. When they get home from school, they want to decompress, play, or go to practice, not be required to focus on one more thing.’

Read Next: 18 Ways to Help Your Child Calm Down

Focus On Strengths

When discussing problems or challenges, try to do so from a strengths perspective. Point out your kids’ strengths and how they can use those to solve the problem or start behaving the way you prefer.

Bonus! I have a GREAT resource to help you understand and remember your children’s strengths. By signing up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter, you can get it for FREE!

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Don’t Force Anyone To Participate

The key is to encourage participation from everyone (even toddlers) but not to force it.

Also, give them time to think over what they want to discuss instead. Try to let your kids come up with their own solutions.

This is another struggle for me. I have a controlling tendency so I want them to come up with ideas right away. “Everyone must participate and contribute to the meeting right now!” I have to remind myself that this is a way to create a bond with our family, not make them hate me.

My husband and I both have developed a habit of asking our kids a question and then answering it before letting them think. It takes kids time to process ideas sometimes or they may not be used to coming up with their ideas because we’re too quick to answer for them.

Change Up The Meeting Space

Pick a room in your house that will keep your kids engaged and want to have a meeting in. That may be your kitchen, living room, dining room, back porch, or whatever space you find will fit best.

I love this tip! You may also want to consider changing it up maybe once a month and doing it at a park, a froyo place, Chick-fil-A or somewhere where they can have fun afterward.

End With Fun!

Add an element of fun to the very end of the meeting. This gives the kids a memory maker for the kids to look forward to.

Examples include a board game or a dance party. My kids sure love dancing to some 80s music. Who doesn’t? If you are unable to take time to play an entire game, you can do a minute-to-win-it game that only takes ONE minute, some kind of race if you’re at a special place as mentioned above.

When you get pushback for family meetings

How to Avoid Push Back For Family Meetings

Lastly, we all know that kids have their own agendas. Whether at a school or home-schooled, they are required to take instruction from someone else and follow rules. Adding one more thing they have to do usually results in pushback. That’s okay! Don’t take this as an end-all. “No one is interested in doing a family meeting so I guess we won’t have them,” is not the attitude to have because of how important time is. Instead, here are some things you can do:

Set up some time for training

Take your time to develop what will be covered in the meetings.

Maybe start with going over how the agenda will be created and what will go on it the first week. After the agenda is established, introduce encouragement and compliments. Have everyone support each other in the ideas brought up for the agenda.

Then within a few weeks, explain how brainstorming for the ideas will work to solve problems.

Explain why it’s important

With my boys, if they understand why we’re doing something, there is usually more buy-in.

Emphasize what your children value most

For my family that would be special treats and games! As long as the goals of the meeting are accomplished, it doesn’t matter how much time is taken on the fun parts of the meeting.

Don’t be discouraged to stop early and try again the following week

Consistency is key even if that means the first month of meetings are only five minutes each. As your kids get used to the format, they will be more apt to enjoy the time spent together.

Give It a Fun Name

Calling it a “Family Meeting” can make it sound too formal, rigid, and mandatory which causes resistance. Change the name up to capture what that time together means to your family.

  • Use a “big word” to make it sound fancy like Family Colloquy or Family Confab (how fun is that word?!)
  • Take “meeting” completely out of the title. You could use names such as “Family Huddle” or “Family Rally”
  • Make the focus on something other than the meeting part and name it something like “Family Game Night” or “Family Fun Time”
  • Take a poll and ask your kids what they would like it to be called.

I’m not sure why, but our family calls it, Matt Damon. Whatever works!

Family meetings can be one of the most important things you do as a family unit.

Your kids whether they show appreciation or not will be getting so much from this time spent together than they can realize. And it’s not just about them. It’s a really great time to focus on who your kids are becoming and how to help foster your relationship and their growth.

Focus on these tips and you will have years’ worth of valuable time spent with your family.

Family Meeting Agenda

Need something to help you with your family meetings? My friend and author, Amy Carney, has a monthly Family Meeting Agenda specifically designed for families with teens. Or sign up to receive a free weekly agenda I made just for you!

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Originally published Oct 30, 2018, and updated Oct 22, 2019

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Simple Family Meeting Agenda Ideas (Free Printable)

In this post, you will find what to discuss during Family Meetings and also can download your own family meeting agenda to make meetings run smoothly.

On Sundays after dinner, there is laughter, discussion and a whole lot of noise. It has become one of my favorite days of the week and although my kids wouldn’t admit it, I think they enjoy it as well. Who wouldn’t want to voice their opinion on rules? Or play an epic game of Outfoxed?

As kids go from dependent little babies to toddlers with their own very strong opinions to kids who all have very different likes, dislikes, and thoughts, it’s important that they get to express who they are. The safest place for them to do this is in their own home. With you, their parents.

Without a doubt, kids who have boundaries tend to grow up to be successful and feel loved. So when I say they should be able to express who they are and have the autonomy to make their own decisions, I’m not talking about being permissive. Instead, I’m referring to providing them their own agency within the limits you set.

family meeting agenda

This post may contain affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details. 

The absolutely best way to accomplish this is to have weekly or even monthly family meetings.

Start Giving Your Kids the Ability to Make Decisions

Can I ask you a hard question I often ask myself?

How can our kids grow up to make good choices if they’re never allowed to make any choices?

That one hurts for me because I tend to be an over-controller (times a thousand). We are parenting people who will become adults. Our focus shouldn’t be to only have kids who are “good” and always “well behaved”, but adults who are kind, driven, have great leadership abilities and who are able to support themselves. This all starts with giving them room to make their own decisions.

Family Meetings are very important and useful. They allow kids to have some “skin in the game”, which in turn, helps them make better choices. They tend to feel valued so they behave better in front of you and when not in front of you, which is crucial! The question then is, “What do we talk about or do?” Coming up with a Family Meeting Agenda that you use at every meeting can really help!

Bonus! Sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter and receive The Family Meeting Agenda for FREE!

What to Put On Your Family Meeting Agenda

We follow this basic structure in order to keep it short:

Topics of Discussion

Concerns, new rules, anything that came up during the previous week that needs to be addressed. For example, last week, our topics of discussion were:

  • The boys needed to come up with a plan for when they got too physical with each other – three steps
  • Rules for going to the park next to our house
  • When and how long they want screen time, how to check in with their bodies and minds, and why screens are unhealthy to have all day long.
  • How our two boys are going to divide up laundry.

Read Next: 18 Ways to Help Your Child Calm Down

Calendar

This includes upcoming events, holidays, extra-curricular activities, and date nights!

My husband and I love this part because it helps the two of us be on the same page. I send him calendar invites that he doesn’t always get. This helps minimize any conflict over practices and events.

On the Family Meeting Agenda I made and use, there is a perfect spot to fill in the days of the week.

Word of the Week

Our middle child loves to learn new words.

We pick a word from a “words to make you sound smarter” list or “words to study for the SAT”, discuss the meaning and try to use it throughout the week.

A word we had one time was aberration. My oldest struggles a little with behavior at school because he’s so busy and has a lot of energy! On his own, he came up with a great sentence for this word. “It is an aberration for me to get a treasure box in my gifted class.”

Yep, that is very true! And you know what this did? It opened up a conversation about the choices he can make and the communication he can have with his teacher to help him work through those situations. So even though this may be something you wouldn’t typically have on your Family Meeting Agenda, it can help your kids talk about what’s happening in their lives!

The Skill of the Week

Each of our family members picks a skill to work on. This week included how to manage anger, how to stop correcting people, keep phones away while together, and go to the gym.

Something Nice

We try to go around the room and tell each other something nice.

This can be an appreciation for something specific they did or something we like about that person. The words can be as specific or generic as long as they are positive and not about poop or other bodily functions!

Read Next: Why Praise Doesn’t Work to Motivate Kids and What You Can Do Instead

Fun Activity

We played the game during the meeting but sometimes we’ll end with one or go for a bike ride.

Here are some fun games referred to me by my Facebook Followers!

Family Meetings

Other Agenda Item Ideas:

Instead of being broad with “topics of discussion”, you can specifically name what it is that you want to talk about every week. There are also additional “line items” that can be added to best fit your family.

Challenges and Solutions | These can be challenges individuals are facing or challenges that are happening within the family.

Concerns for Others in the Family | Someone may be dealing with sadness or anger causing other family members to be concerned. With this one, be sure to address the problem and not to attack the person.

Meal Planning | The whole family can get involved in what they want to eat for the week!

Open Discussion | This can be a time when family members address anything that happens to be on their minds.

Things to Celebrate/Things to Fix | Was there a birthday, or something exciting happening at school or at a sport? Celebrate it! This can also be a time to find things that didn’t go quite well and come up with solutions on how to fix them.

Discipline Tools and or Strategies | You can introduce new rules at this time or ways certain situations will be handled in the future.

Conversation Starters | By asking a question like, “What kind of superhero would you be?” can lighten the mood of the meeting. These kinds of questions are fun to hear what our kids come up with to get a better insight into who they are.

Something good and something bad | I’ve heard families call this Sweet and Sour or Highs and Lows. It’s a time when everyone thinks of something positive that happened the week before and also something that wasn’t a great experience.

Service or Acts of Kindness | The best way to teach our kids empathy is to get out and serve. Collecting items and donating money really benefits organizations. While kids are young though, they need to tangibly see the difference they are making. Seeing a person’s expression when they help out will help create a more compassionate person.

Free Family Meeting Agenda

Our family uses this agenda weekly! We printed a bunch out, three-hole-punched those suckers and put them in a pretty binder. My kids take turns running the meeting so this agenda makes it very easy for them.

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What is On Your Family Meeting Agenda?

Have you started to have family meetings? If so, what benefits have you started seeing? Do you have any additional ideas on how to run a Family meeting? I would love to hear from you!! Comment below.

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family meeting agenda

Originally published Nov 1, 2018, and updated Oct 8, 2019

By 43 Comments

The Top 10 Tips to End Homework Battles With Kids

The homework battles all started in Kindergarten! Yes, that young!

After agonizing over which school we should send our oldest son to, we decided on a brand new traditional school that was being built a mile from our house. It had a Positive Discipline model, lots of structure that we thought would benefit his hyper little body, and they taught in a similar way to how my husband and I learned.

However, while looking more closely at reviews, the number one complaint was the amount of homework given.

end homework battles

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I really didn’t think it would be that bad.

And I was wrong.

The amount of work wasn’t actually the problem, although, there was quite a bit. It was my approach and being unaware that my son is something that is known as Twice Exceptional. I was metaphorically squeezing him into a teeny tiny box. All the while, he was BUSTING out of it probably trying to figure out how he could create something with it. Ha!

homework after school

There were a lot of tears. Mostly from me because the frustration would boil over causing me to be a sobbing mess. I tried rewards such as (dye-free) gummy bears and stickers. I would sit right next to him repeating myself over and over again.

It was painful.

Now that I look back, there is no wonder he was so resistant, annoyed and more frustrated than I was! Thankfully, we have repaired that damage!

Bonus! Sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter and receive The End Homework Battles Toolkit for FREE! The toolkit includes a Homework Plan Worksheet, Top 10 Tips Poster, a Daily Homework Checklist and a Homework Supply List.

The Benefits of Homework

A few years ago, I was listening to a podcast where the author made a comment about how homework doesn’t even contribute to learning. Shortly after, I came across Alfie Kohn’s stance on homework and he states, “The fact is that after decades of research on the topic, there is no overall positive correlation between homework and achievement (by any measure) for students before middle school – or, in many cases, before high school.”

I threw my hands up in the air with the attitude of, “Well, that’s it! I’m not even going to make my kids do homework anymore. I’m sick of the homework battles anyway.”

homework freakout

But being the research-a-holic that I am, I did a little more digging.

It appears that the experts and researchers in the field of education can’t quite agree if this is true or not. There are too many variables at play such as developmental capacity, the type of homework, parental involvement, the amount, and the list could go on.

Another thing to consider is that even if homework does contribute to learning, it’s taking away free time and play. Young kids discover the world through play so to take that away can be detrimental to their development.

Something we do know is that homework can help a teacher gauge where a child is in terms of progress toward knowledge, and it can also contribute to more skills other than learning. This did get my attention because teaching life skills to our kids while they are young and in our safe environment is what parenting is all about to me.

Skills learned by doing homework:

  • Accountability
  • Time Management
  • Self-Discipline
  • Motivation
  • Goal-Setting
  • Delayed Gratification
  • Critical Thinking Skills
  • Independence and Self-Motivation
  • Study and Note-taking Skills
  • Following Directions
  • Responsibility
  • The Joy of Hard Work
  • Perseverance

End Homework Battles

fighting over homework

I didn’t realize there was another way to do this whole homework thing. I was the one causing way more problems than solutions. After taking a step back from all the tension, I realized there was a power struggle for autonomy happening.

In The Self-Driven Child by Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, the very second chapter is titled, “I Love You Too Much To Fight With You About Homework” The Parent As Consultant.

At first, I thought it was peculiar to have a chapter about homework at the very beginning of a book on childhood autonomy. After reading it though, I found it to be the perfect example of how we should view our role as parents – as a consultant, not manager and definitely not dictator.

Immediately, I started putting what they mentioned in practice.

The authors were spot on!

The battles (of two years!!) stopped, the tears dried up and my son started to be self-motivated!

Just the other day, he realized he had to recite a poem that was due the following day. We didn’t nag or remind him. As a result, he got to work and was able to say the whole thing in class the next day without any help. Would I have preferred that he didn’t procrastinate? Yes. But that’s not my choice to make.

Since reading The Self-Driven Child, I also read The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey and No Drama Homework by JoAnn Crohn. With all the amazing information, I started implementing their tips. It has made such a difference in our relationship and especially in our boys’ self-motivation and independence.

homework after school

The Top 10 Tips to End Homework Battles

The goal with all of this is to let our kids lead their own lives and be self-disciplined. Homework is a great place to start in allowing our kids to develop competence and become more resilient. If we do the work for them, we, in turn, make them weaker.

Here are the top 10 tips that really helped end homework battles:

1. Define What Homework Is (And Isn’t)

What the heck is homework for anyways?

If we start by realizing what the purpose of homework is and how it should be completed, we can continue to fall back on this if it starts to be something that it’s intended to be.

homework strategies

The Purpose of Homework

When googling the question, “What is the purpose of homework?”, there are many websites that answer this question such as Psychology Today, The Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, and even Crayola. After reading through what many of the professionals and experts had to say, this is the conclusion I came to:

The purpose of homework is to reinforce what was taught in class and result in meaningful learning.

With this in mind, we can determine if our child’s homework is appropriate or inappropriate. And if it’s the latter, don’t feel afraid to speak to your child’s teacher.

How Homework Should be Completed

According to an article on Princeton University’s website, ” only a certain amount of processing of information occurs in response to hearing information presented.”

And this is all dependent on the type of learner your child is. By doing homework at home, learning can be reinforced in a different way.

Kids should also be able to complete homework independently.

This means that if a child is unable to read, then he or she probably isn’t ready for homework that requires reading yet. This is not how it’s viewed at my children’s school and I’m sure they have their reasons. As a result, I did see that my kids weren’t able to work on many of the skills listed above like self-discipline or responsibility because they had to depend on me. And at that age, we need to encourage play and discovery in the small amount of time they have left in their day.

When a child can complete the work at home by himself or herself, even more learning will be strengthened which again, is the whole point.

math homework

Lastly, homework should also be completed with the teacher’s expectations in mind.

Set and understand what the teacher’s expectations are and reinforce those with your child.

Even though our school is pretty uniform in the instruction and homework given, each teacher does have slightly different rules and requirements for homework. Reiterating these with your child will help them be successful in accomplishing the purpose of homework, therefore, eliminating those awful homework battles.

2. Rule Out Any Learning Challenges

If your child seems to be sitting there and physically unable to get the pencil moving, it may not be because she is lazy or even tired. She may have a learning or developmental challenge. Or if they don’t seem to remember anything they learned in class, there may be a vision or hearing problem.

We had no idea our child had learning and attention issues AND needed glasses. Once we figured this all out, we were able to give him the accommodations he needed. I would get incredibly frustrated watching him sit there and do what I perceived as nothing. Thankfully, those feelings diminished once I was aware of what was going on. Then, I was able to be constructive instead of destructive.

Understood is an incredible resource for kids with learning and attention challenges. This article, “Why Kids With Executive Functioning Issues Have Trouble Starting Tasks“ opened my eyes to the effects of chemicals in the brain and task initiation.

The power of knowledge and awareness, I tell ya! It can change everything.

homework station

3. Make Sleep a Priority

Thanks to modern-day society, kids are getting less and less sleep.

Quality sleep helps kids focus and it helps increase learning. Research has shown that even increasing sleep by 27 minutes can help with focus and reduce inattention challenges.

According to Parents, “[Sleep] is when the body repackages neurotransmitters, chemicals that enable brain cells to communicate. And experts have recently been able to demonstrate that sleep allows brain cells to “take out the trash” each night, flushing out disease-causing toxins.”

4. Realize Homework Is OUR CHILD’S Responsibility

Let’s say it together:

Homework is my child’s responsibility, not mine.

This is what really released me feeling like I needed to be a homework dictator! If I’m making sure the homework is getting completed and constantly nagging, I’m making the responsibility mine.

And do you remember some of the skills that are learned through homework? Most of them cannot be achieved if I’m hovering over my child and making sure it gets in his backpack and eventually to school.

“It may seem harmless to step in, but the damage is cumulative. Every time you take over, and rescue your child from working out a challenging math problem or thesis statement on her own, you undermine your child’s sense of confidence and autonomy.”

~Jessica Lahey of The Gift of Failure

Kids learn through failure and natural consequences. If I make homework my responsibility, they will never have an opportunity to learn how to recover from mistakes.

Read Next: An Easy Way for Kids To Pack School Lunch

thinking about homework

5. Have a Plan

Come up with a plan together. Or better yet, give your child complete ownership over the plan (because it is his or her responsibility after all *wink wink*) and you can help if needed.

I had it in my head that the homework needed to be done immediately. My son had a different opinion. Before he would even walk into the house, a power struggle ensued. He needed a BREAK after school, whereas, I wanted to ensure his homework got done so he could have the rest of the evening to relax and create. In all honesty, I probably just wanted to be off the hook, too.

The Plan Could Involve:

  • Food! Fuel up and hydrate
  • What to do as soon as they walk in the door
  • Location for their homework folders or packets
  • Location for a “Homework station”
  • Supply Bins and a list of what they will need
  • The time they will start their homework
  • Anything else needed to complete homework such as timers

DOWNLOAD: Free Homework Toolkit

homework plan

By handing over the responsibility to your child to eliminate homework battles, this does not mean you can’t or shouldn’t help. Something I started doing was saying,

“Hey! Let me know if you need any help with homework tonight. If so, let’s come up with a time so I can plan around it.”

If they don’t want you to work with them then that’s their prerogative. One of my sons didn’t want my help until he did poorly on a test. During the following week, he asked if I could study with him. Of course, I told him I would. Then, we came up with a time that worked best for both of us. We didn’t have any homework battles! Woot Woot!

Remember, the responsibility is ultimately our child’s, not ours.

6. Create an Effective Learning Environment

Find a spot in your house where your child works well. And remember, just because you prefer a certain work environment doesn’t mean that it will work best for your child.

In the books I read, they recommend that you find a space with zero distractions. Focus these days is hard to come by even for a neurotypically developing child, let alone, one with attention deficits.

homework station

What I’ve found is to look specifically at your child’s individual needs. For example, we have one son who requires external stimulation. One day, we practiced spelling words while he was listening to a book with one earbud in, moving in his swivel chair, and creating something with a 3D pen. The crazy thing is that he spelled more words correctly while doing all those things than when he was sitting with no distractions! On the other hand, our other son needs a quiet space free of any clutter.

Suggestions for homework spots:

  • On a bed
  • At a desk
  • At the kitchen table
  • Outside at a table or in a comfy chair
  • On the floor
  • At the local library

Another great tip I read was to use a tri-fold poster board to keep the child separated from distractions if that’s what they need!

Ask your child what he prefers. Check in with him or her every few months to see if it’s still working, if not, change it up!

Quick Tip! To end homework battles, use my Free Printable Homework Toolkit that includes a Homework Plan, Top 10 Tips Poster, Homework Checklist and Homework Supply List.

7. Teach Organization and Strategy

Homework is an opportunity for your child to learn how to organize materials and organize time. This is often done by coming up with a strategy.

homework support

Strategies That Will End Homework Battles:

  • Use a planner to keep track of all the assignments and when they are due. Checklists and routine charts can also be a great tool to teach organizational skills.
  • Determine if help from an adult will be needed. If so, decide on who will help and what time. Before starting, determine what is most important and or the “hardest” task. Self-control is a limited commodity and your child will most likely have more towards the beginning of homework time. Hence why it is best to start with the hard stuff first.
  • Estimate how much time each task will take to complete and use a timer for accountability (and accuracy of that estimation). *We LOVE these ones!
  • Establish a system where the child checks his or her own work after it is complete.
  • Have a homework supply box so there’s no need to disrupt work time to find a sharpened pencil or ruler.
  • Have your kids come up with a “home” for their backpacks and help them create a habit to put the homework away as soon as they are done. This will cut down on running around like chickens with their heads cut off in the morning. We use a big bin in the shoe closet and soon will be building custom lockers!
homework supplies

Time Management Strategies

A great way to teach time management skills to kids is with what Jessica Lahey refers to as The Timer Cure.

This teaches kids how to budget their time. Have them estimate how much time a particular task or subject takes to complete. Cut that time in half and set a timer for that amount of time.

For example, if a math worksheet typically takes an hour, set a timer for 30 minutes. Tell the child that once the beeper goes off, then the math worksheet time is done and he needs to move onto the next assignment. Keep the timer visible so they can see it counting down. Unless the child has learning or attention issues or anxiety, as mentioned above, he or she will typically beat the clock!

Talk to the teacher about this tactic first to make sure he or she is okay with the homework assignment not getting completed. For my son who has a 504 Plan, we utilize this strategy which has worked pretty well. At first, I thought he would use it as an excuse to not work as hard since he could stop after a certain amount of time, but it did the opposite.

timer for chunking

Chunking

This is a great strategy to teach kids who have a tough time getting started or find the work to be challenging.

The child takes the homework assignments and breaks them down into manageable “chunks”.

  • Piles – Put each assignment or worksheet into a separate pile and work on one pile at a time.
  • Relatedness – Assignments can be sorted by relatedness such as written work, computer work, and more hands-on projects.
  • Subject – Work on one subject at a time
  • Due Date – Teach your child how to prioritize by working on the assignments that are due the soonest first.

Individual assignments can be broken down into even smaller chunks. The whole point is to make the task seem doable instead of so overwhelming that it’s hard to even start.

Dollar Tree

8. Call In Reinforcements

If the homework battles don’t seem to cease, then find someone else who can work with your child. Kids often listen better from a peer or someone just slightly older than him or her. They can feel a stronger connection or not have the need to fight back.

9. Discover Intrinsic Motivators

Before becoming a brain-compatible parenting research junkie (I don’t think that’s really a thing but in my world it is!), I thought rewards and praise were how you motivated a child to do something.

I was wrong.

In this post, I go into the hindrances that praise can actually cause. This also can go for rewards. Well, it may not damage the child and cause them to enter a psych ward or anything, but rewards don’t motivate in the way we think they do. Instead, they extrinsically motivate which means as soon as the reward is taken away, there is no desire left to continue doing that behavior, action or task. So instead, we should focus on doing things that intrinsically motivate our kids to want to do well or in this case, get their homework done.

Intrinsic motivation is doing something for the inherent enjoyment or satisfaction, but not for a separable outcome like a physical reward.

Thankfully, we have one child who loves homework so there is no external push needed from us. The other, however, would rather go scoop poop for a neighbor’s dog. Ha!

Sometimes rewards can kick start motivation, but because the effects wear off so fast, we need to be cautious not to rely on them. For example, using a sticker chart for potty training a two-year-old can work to jump-start the motivation to go in the toilet but as soon as they do, praise the action and empower the child with phrases like, “You did it!” Then they become proud of themselves and want to use the potty independently.

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Intrinsic Motivators For Homework

Below are some things that you can do get your child to a point where they are intrinsically motivated to do homework instead of only completing it because you gave them a gummy bear. Well, you may not have used gummy bears, but I sure tried!

  • Encourage your child to work on what she is interested in first. As mentioned above, have your child prioritize and pick what is hardest first. However, if there is zero motivation to do anything, have her work on what she’s most interested in. Doing this will give her a spike in the motivation biochemicals in her brain that may last enough long enough for the remaining subjects.
  • Acknowledge when your child masters a task or accomplishes an assignment that was difficult. Avoid using praise like, “Good job” but instead, praise the effort and hard work.
  • Give your child autonomy. This has already been discussed, but allowing your child to be in control over his or her decisions of when to do homework, what and how to finish it, there will be greater motivation and maybe even desire to get it done.
  • Help them find joy in what they are doing. Point out parts of the homework that are linked to what they are good at or interested in.
  • Point out one of your child’s strengths that will help them to complete the assignment.
  • Give positive feedback and encouragement. Try to refrain from over-correcting or giving negative feedback. Instead, encourage your child to check his own work and encourage him to keep working hard.
relationship with son

10. Stay Focused on the End Game!

Getting caught up on each homework assignment can cause more and more power struggles. Instead, keep your focus on the end game and what you hope to accomplish.

This reminds me of my friend Amy Carney who wrote a whole book with this message. In Parent on Purpose, she talks about visualizing the end. If we were to sit down at our child’s 18th birthday and watch the actual story of his or her life, not just the highlight reel, how would we feel? Do you think all the arguing, yelling and maybe even tears over homework battles is what we would care most about?

Probably not.

When we really think about it, what do we what to accomplish in our parenting journey with our kids as they develop into self-sufficient adults? Our list will probably be filled more with all the skills listed above on what homework teaches than nagging and feeling like it’s a fight to get our child to complete and turn it in.

The long-term goals should be for your child to develop a growth mindset, be independent, become competent, diligent and accomplish great things with the precious time they’ve been given to live in this world.

supporting children with homework

Ending Homework Battles is Easy Peasy!

Right? Seriously though, with the right mindset, homework time doesn’t have to feel so straining. Talk to the teacher if you feel like your child is unable to complete it on his or her own, that it’s not reinforcing what was taught in the classroom or it is taking way too long.

Depending on the school, your teacher may be able to work with you and the student to ensure that it’s beneficial and not just busy work that’s taking away family time at home.

The Top 10 Tips!

In conclusion, let’s review the Top 10 Tips to End Homework Battles:

  1. Define what homework is (and isn’t)!
  2. Rule out any learning challenges and come up with a plan to accommodate your child if there are any.
  3. Make sleep a priority.
  4. Realize homework is our child’s responsibility, not ours!
  5. Have a plan.
  6. Create an effective learning environment.
  7. Teach organization and strategy skills.
  8. Call in the reinforcements.
  9. Use Intrinsic Motivators.
  10. Stay Focused on the End Game.
homework checklists

Download Your Free End Homework Battles Toolkit!

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  1. Download the toolkit | Join me to receive my newsletter and as a thank you, receive the pdf files. If you haven’t filled out the form, click here to subscribe!
  2. Print the files | It works great to print onto cardstock but any paper will do. After you print, cut the half sheets.
  3. Laminate | Laminating the half sheets works well so you can use a dry-erase marker and reuse the checklists. If you want, you can laminate the Homework Plan after it’s filled out so that it stays in good shape. Keep it at the designated homework spot as a reminder.
  4. Use and update the plan | As the kids get older or make changes to their plans, update it and hang at the homework station.
homework plan

What Is Homework Time Like For You?

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to drop a comment below!!!

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homework station

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35 Podcasts for Moms – Episodes on Parenting, Neurodiversity and More!

Over a year and a half ago my sister-in-law mentioned how wireless earbuds were the best invention ever. It enabled her to listen to her favorite podcasts for moms while cleaning or doing anything around the house.

“Adriane, it’s the best thing! I stick these bad boys in and learn a lot of useful information while getting my house clean. I bet you listen to some amazing podcasts. Will you share your list with me?”

Ummmm, Podcasts?

This post may contain affiliate links. I will make a small commission if you make a purchase through one of these links, at no extra cost to you. See my disclosure policy here. 

To be honest, I had never heard of such a thing. I was super intrigued as to what this radio meets internet thing really was.

Now the podcast world is exploding and for good reason.

Confession Time

Ever since my sister-in-law mentioned the word, podcast, I became a junkie.

A little fact about me is that I have OCD (or possibly Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – OCPD). I spent years apologizing and running away from it but with the help of podcasts for moms (and books from the authors I found through these podcasts), I discovered I could use my obsession of learning to help others!

And I no longer need to apologize for being me.

Win. Win. And another Win.

woman balancing books on her head
Photo Credit: Michelle Praskins Photography

My interests slowly began to grow about how the brain works, how to be a better parent, what God wants me to do with my life, how to be a successful entrepreneur, and how to be a good human. There are not enough hours in the day to feed my brain all that it is hungry for.

Finding Time to Listen

A question I often get asked is, “How in the world do you have time to listen to all these podcasts for moms or read as much as you do?”

The answer is I build it into my schedule.

woman in car

I try to work out every day. The gym I’m most motivated to go to is 20 minutes away. That’s 40 minutes of good listening right there. I simply plug my phone into the car.

As my little guy gets bigger, I’ll probably listen with one earbud instead of blasting it through the whole car. Right now, he enjoys listening to people talk. On occasion, he will request, “Mee Mow” (Mickey Mouse) so I kindly oblige.

How to make time for podcasts:

Here are some tips on how to squeeze listening time into your busy day.

listen to podcasts for moms while doing laundry

Listen to podcasts…

  • While Driving | If you’re like me and you drive around all day, always have something in the queue ready to listen to. That rhymes!
  • In Driveline or Pickup | Pass the time while waiting for your kids after school or practice.
  • While cleaning or organizing | My wireless headphones are the best gift my parents have ever given to me! While putting groceries away, cleaning, doing laundry or any other household chore, I listen while I work.
  • In the shower | I try not to do this to give my brain a rest, but it can be a good time to listen.
  • On long road trips | My husband gets to tow our 30-foot trailer camper so in between chats with him, I listen or read.
  • While grocery shopping | I often order my groceries online (best thing EVER!), but if I go to the store by myself, I always have earbuds in.
  • When Working out | Working out on exercise equipment or lifting weights seems to be a popular time to listen to a podcast.
  • The Dentist! | I neglected my mouth for too many years so I have to go back every three months for cleaning. No Bueno! Lying in a chair for an hour with no kids works great to listen to a podcast. They only bug me when it’s time to rinse.
woman listening to a podcast on her bed

You may also like: Simple Systems To Keep Your Home Organized and Clutter Free

Are podcasts beneficial or harmful for your brain?

There are a few studies I found on what listening to podcasts does to our brains. One by Jack Gallant of UC Berkeley found that a lot more of our brain is engaged when we are listening to a story especially if it’s interesting. The meaning of what we are listening to is represented all throughout the brain, not just in the primary auditory cortex. That’s good!

We’re building upon the 80 billion neurons in our brains.

Now, try to wrap your mind around that one.

Listen to podcasts for moms

But there are also studies that show too much listening is not good for us. In the list above, I try to pick and choose a few times a day to put on a podcast, and not every chance I get.

Research suggests that when we sit in silence, cell development increases in the hippocampus, the part of the brain mainly associated with memory and also a part of where our emotions are stored. We need to be cautious to not overload ourselves with auditory content just as much as we do with any other media intake.

It’s great to consume information, but our brains also need time to digest that information. To best do this, it’s encouraged to have moments of silence throughout your day and engage in the physical world we live in.

Podcasts for Moms That Are Worth Listening To

I have a laundry list of podcasts that I subscribe to. To avoid over-listening, I try to prune my list down to the ones that bring value to me or you, my readers.

Instead of only giving you the list of my subscribed podcasts for moms, I thought I’d also share specific episodes that made an impact on how I live my life and in turn, parent with purpose.

I separated them out into categories knowing that not all of these will interest you.

Another strategy in helping our brains retain information is to re-listen. The two that I have relistened to more than two times are the Executive Functioning episodes with Seth Perler on the Tilt Parenting Podcast and the Give Yourself the Gift of Done with Jon Acuff, author of “Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done” on For the Love Podcast. Both have improved my life in more ways than one. I reference the first one regarding my kids on the daily and the Jon Acuff episode just about every week for me.

35 Podcast Episodes That Will Help You Be a Better Parent

Before I get into the 35 incredible episodes, check out my interview with Andrea from The Flourish Together Podcast! We talked about Family Meetings and Emotion Coaching! It was so much fun to be ON a podcast. It’s a little different than sitting in my car listening.

Parenting

Parenting is my jam!

I love learning about different strategies, techniques, tips, and scripts for my own family but even more so to help others. My focus tends to be on cognitive psychology and how we can use our knowledge of the brain to best parent our kids. Most of the podcasts for moms I listen to are professionals who have their Ph.D. or Masters in the field of child psychology or pediatrics.

Family Looking Up with Camille, Beth, and Andrea

Parenting Great Kids with Dr. Meg Meeker

Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan Peters

Screen Smart

Mind Matters with Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

How to Talk to Kids About Anything with Dr. Robyn Silverman

mom hugging toddler

Raising Neurodiverse Kids

Out of my three kids, so far we know our two oldest are neurodiverse children. If you have never heard of that phrase, it means brain differences are just that, differences instead of something being wrong or abnormal. It also leads to helping these kids see their strengths in the way their brain is wired instead of focusing on fixing any perceived deficits.

Our boys are gifted learners which usually comes with asynchronous development in the brain. They are both also Twice-Exceptional meaning there is something paired with the giftedness.

In fact, some of these podcast episodes I listed below are how I figured out very valuable information that was able to help eliminate power struggles with one of our boys.

Many lightbulbs have gone off while listening. These have provided me with the resources that have brought calm and joy into our home simply because of knowledge. For that, I am forever grateful.

Understood is THE resource to learn about neurodiversity and they just started a podcast, too!

Tilt Parenting with Debbie Reber (my hero!)

Mind Matters with Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC

How to Talk to Kids About Anything with Dr. Robyn Silverman

Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs

Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan Peters

boy smashing play dough

Good for the Soul

Lastly, these episodes are good for the heart, soul, and mind. Some focus on faith and others on how we can be better humans. It’s good for me to take a break from all the parenting advice and focus on myself at least once in a while.

Read more: How to Take Care of MYSELF so I Can Give More to My Family (It’s More Than an Occasional Pedicure)

I read this quote while looking up the podcast guest’s websites to provide for you, “Self-care is not selfish. It is the foundation for serving others.”

What wisdom!

For the Love with Jen Hatmaker

She Proves Faithful

Going Scared with Jessica Honegger

Oprah Super Soul Conversations Podcasts

Science of Success

Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs

The Mom-Inspired Show

Other podcasts for Moms I enjoy listening to:

woman scrolling through podcasts for moms

Download the Full List

For easy access, I made a full list of all the podcasts for moms and episodes listed above in both a Word Document and PDF with links. You choose! (Click on the links to download)

podcasts for moms to listen in the car

Instead of writing summaries of each of the podcasts for moms, I provided the links. If you have any questions about any of these episodes or topics, leave a comment below or contact me directly.

I’d love to hear your input and what you listen to!

My hope is that these make as great of an impact on your life as they have on me.

Originally written on March 6, 2019; Updated on September 26, 2019

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The Real Reason Parenting is Hard and How to Make It Easier

Parenting can feel ridiculously hard. So hard that it leads to pure mental and physical exhaustion.

Being a parent can also make you act in a way that is not true to your core character. Worry and fear are two of many emotions often experienced. And yet, parenting is also one of the most amazing gifts.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

Kids enter the world without a manual. They have their own unique personality that may be complementary to or total opposite of yours.

You may have one child who is easy to parent and another who makes you want to hit your head against the wall. Although I wouldn’t suggest you do this, it is okay to feel like that. Or like the intro of one of my favorite podcasts, Family Looking Up, says, you may feel like you want to jump off the washing machine on occasion.

Over the past few years, I have had a major mind-shift in what my job as a parent is. Then I realized because of this mind shift, parenting didn’t feel as hard anymore.

It’s as if I could finally exhale.

consoling a toddler when parenting is hard

The Reasons Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard-wired.

Five years ago, researchers discovered that parenting behaviors are triggered through neurons in the hypothalamus. This is a tiny part of the brain where hormones are released. They found that parenting behavior is controlled by galanin neuropeptides.

Say what?

These neurons are conveyed in many brain functions such as responding to harm, sleep-wake cycles, understanding, eating, mood and blood pressure regulation, and cell growth.

When we become parents, our brains change.

There is no immediate benefit to providing and caring for a completely dependent baby. However, we instinctively develop parental behaviors that come from genetic programming. Our feeling of responsibility increases as we have a new life to care for.

On a side note, researchers think the reason moms experience postpartum depression is because something goes wrong in the development of these neuronal circuits.

parenting is hard

If I surveyed 100 people on what parts of parenthood are hard, I’m sure I’d get thousands of reasons. As parents, we are pulled in many directions. The tears, tantrums, and sibling fights are what I call surface-level challenges.

At the moment, all the noise can make our heads feel like they’re going to explode. Or the constantly correcting behavior and making sure our kids are making good choices can drain a person.

Do you ever feel like it’s just too much?

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The REAL Reasons that Parenting is Hard

Yes, the running around, getting slapped in the face by a toddler or peed on by a baby, and being responsible all make parenting feel hard. But, there are some more underlying reasons I think are at play.

The Need For Autonomy

We want our autonomy and so do our children!

boy packing lunch

Ever you ever heard a toddler yell, “Me do it!” while trying to do a small task for him or her?

That is a plea for autonomy and control over his or her own life.

The self-determination theory presents three psychological needs that all humans are born with: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. We need these three things to be self-motivated.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer my child to be self-sufficient and independent of me. I don’t want to rely on punishments, rewards, and other extrinsic motivators to get them to do what I want.

parenting doesn't have to be hard if you understand self-determination theory

A parent will often butt heads with a child because he or she is inadvertently taking away that basic need for autonomy.

Read More: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching Life Skills to Kids

A Different Timeline

Why is it that when it’s time to leave, kids often think it’s time to take their clothes off or start an art project? Here I am feeling like my time disappears into oblivion every day and my kids are ready to be the next Picasso just as we are heading out the door.

I found some very fascinating research to explain why kids aren’t so pressured with time!

The perception of time does actually speed up as we grow older. The reason is found with executive functions found in the frontal lobe. Working memory, attention, and executive function are rapidly developing all throughout childhood.

The neural transmission is actually physically slower in kids!

timers in parenting

The frontal lobe finishes developing into adulthood around the age of 24-25. By then, time is perceived to go by a lot faster and it is encoded more accurately.

When we are trying to rush out of the house or feel like our five minutes is going to be gone in a flash, our kids perceive that time to be a lot longer.

Failure is Hard to Watch

No one likes to watch their kid fail. For some, it can cause anxiety and tears. It’s completely normal to want your child to have everything and get through life without being scathed.

However, this doesn’t teach them anything because life isn’t perfect. There will be challenges your child needs to overcome. The more they walk through these times to learn from them, the more resilient they will most likely become.

Underdeveloped Brain

Lastly, parents get frustrated with kids and their behaviors a lot of times because they want a child to do something he or she doesn’t even have the developmental ability to do. It’s often frustrating when a child lacks self-regulation when we think they are in control of themselves.

It’s very easy to be understanding when a toddler chucks a toy across the room or screams in your face, but way harder to have a gentle response when a kid over five years old does the same thing.

Yes, these skills increase as a child gets older and the neural pathways are created, but kids can be further behind than parents realize. Many times the culprit of unwanted behaviors is found in the underdevelopment of executive functions. There’s that phrase again!

My favorite is to hear my husband ask, “Why did you just do that?” He’s often answered with blank stares looking back at him. (I’ve learned to not even ask! Ha!) Because developmentally, our child really has NO CLUE why he just ran by his brother and smacked him on the back of the head. At that moment, his prefrontal cortex went offline completely out of his control.

Again, the thinker part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until someone is in his or her mid-twenties!

We also forget to look specifically at the child. With my neurodiverse kids, one is developmentally a few years ahead in academics and empathy but a few years behind in organizational and time management skills.

Our mindset of, “My child is nine years old, he should be able to do ______” can make parenting feel so hard because we have false expectations of what that child is capable of doing based on his or her brain development.

The 4 Mindsets That Can Make Parenting Easier

Yes, my responsibility is still the same. I am responsible for teaching and guide my child to make good choices and be a kind, respectful, independent, competent adult.

After taking a step back, ahem, relinquishing control and shifting the way I viewed parenting, things started to feel more joyful, easier, and not so draining.

Here are the four mindsets that make parenting a little easier for me:

1. It’s Okay to Take Care of MYSELF First

This one is big. If we can’t handle our own emotions or feel like we are running on empty, life, in general, is going to feel very challenging.

I know self-care is a hot topic right now, but the type of self-care I think is vitally important to make parenting easier is more inwardly focused than a pedicure or massage. Even though, those can be helpful, too.

mom and toddler doing exercise

I came up with an acronym, MYSELF which is adapted from Julie Morgenstern’s Time to Parent. It stands for:

  • Motivate me
  • Yield to negativity
  • Sleep
  • Exercise
  • Love
  • Fun

So anytime you are feeling like parenting is extra hard, ask, “Am I taking care of MYSELF?”

I find this so important that I created this Self-Care Ebook just for you!

self care ebook
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Read Next: How to Take Care of MYSELF With Self-Care

One last thing I wanted to mention was what I constantly talk about so I apologize if it seems like I’m preaching. It’s to…

Stop. Pray. Breathe.

Instead of constantly reacting to my kids, I now work on responding.

Sometimes this comes easy and other times, it’s imperative that I stop before heading into battle.

Another great tip is to either write down or take a mental note of how your body feels when your kids are being defiant or are displaying big feelings.

For me, I can feel it in my chest and hands. As soon as I acknowledge that physical sensation, I have to reconnect with my mind to pause before I say a single word. Because I’ve done this so much, it has become more automatic.

2. Realize I’m NOT in CONTROL

As parents, we are not in control of our kids.

It may feel like we need to be or even should be, but the truth is they are in control of themselves. Instead of viewing our job as a parent as a manager, it’s more effective if we view ourselves as their consultant or even a coach.

There are four causes of stress. An easy way to remember is using the acronym, N.U.T.S.

  • Novelty – Doing something new
  • Unpredictability – Having an experience you didn’t know was going to happen
  • Threat to the Ego – Your competence is questioned
  • Sense of No Control – Having a feeling of not being in control of oneself
causes of stress

There are three types of stress, positive, tolerable, and toxic. In order for kids to manage their stress so it doesn’t reach the toxic level, they need an adult they can trust to help them recover and have a sense of control over their lives.

Honestly, to know that I don’t have control over every behavior or decision my child makes has taken a huge weight off my chest.

Instead of controlling what our kids do or making all the big decisions for them, it helps our kids far more when we set limits, and ground rules and help our kids problem-solve.

3. Look for the ROOT of My Kids’ Behaviors

Behavior. That’s such an interesting word.

Before I developed an understanding of how a child’s brain forms, the reasons for their actions, and what their basic human needs are, I saw behavior as either good or bad. And “bad behavior needed to be corrected because kids must obey their parents.”

Now, I view behavior as communication.

If your son looks at you after you just told him not to jump on the couch and he does it anyway, he is communicating something to you. When your daughter is crying and flailing on the floor and cannot get control of her emotions, she is trying to communicate something. If your son is refusing to get out of the car to go to school, he is communicating something to you.

The iceberg model visually explains how behavior works. What we see on the surface is usually only 10% of what’s really going on underneath the surface.

behavior management iceberg

Instead of constantly thinking, “My kids don’t listen, they need to stop,” I switched my thinking to “Why are they acting this way and how can I help?”

One other thing I did was adopt the mantra, “Kids Do Well If They Can” by Dr. Ross Greene. Can I tell you how many times this has gotten me through some really tough emotional meltdowns with my son? A lot!

4. Stop Taking My Kids’ Actions and Words Personally

I end with this one because it’s huge. 

We accidentally went to the Science Center on a sponsored day. It was free to get in so that meant every person and their mom (and dad and sister and grandma and great-grandma and Uncle Bob and Aunt Marge) were there! 

One of my kids has a sensitive sensory system. After all the noise, people brushing past him and the added lights and visual stimulation, his responses to our directions were… anything but kind. 

His words seemed as if they were a personal attack on us which could’ve easily made my husband and I react defensively.

The root of the disrespectful talk was overstimulation.

Speaking in a loud and rude manner was the only way my son was able to express how he was feeling at that moment. Although irritated, we restrained from yelling back. Once my son got in the quiet car and ate a protein-packed lunch, the disrespectful talk dissipated.

Oftentimes, we lose our cool because we get offended. 

Has your child ever said something to you that made you think, “Whoah, dude, back up the train! You realize I’m in charge, right? How dare you speak to me like that!” And you match the lashing out talk, rude behavior, or yelling?

When we do this, we are modeling that unwanted behavior. We also aren’t attuning to what their needs are because remember, behavior is communication. 

Getting offended or taking our kids’ behavior personally isn’t helpful. 

Instead, focus on getting to the root of the behavior and connect in a way that is most helpful to your child. THEN, once he or she is calm and connected to the Thinker brain, you can take that time to talk about appropriate ways to speak if it’s even necessary. 

Don’t Poke The Lizard

Another thing that happens if we take our kids’ behaviors and words personally is that we start using a whole lot of words and do what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls, “poke the lizard.”

If your daughter is angry, that means her “reptilian” or brain stem and the limbic region is activated. When kids are in this state, they are unable to think rationally. The more you talk back or try to correct, the more you poke that lizard.

And you know what happens when you poke a lizard! Ha!

parenting boys doesn't have to be hard

Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be So Hard

I’m really hoping what has helped me will help you find joy in parenthood. Because once we realize that we don’t need to control our kids and that they are acting like crazy animals for a reason that is beyond what we can see, our own nervous systems remain calm. And when this happens, we can have rational thought about what’s really going on.

Self-control is a beautiful thing.

There are still times when I can feel my heart racing and fists clenching, but because I’m mindful about my body, I can recenter and focus on connection. 

Let me know if any of these resonate with you and where you find parenting to be the most challenging. Comment below!

Adriane of Raising Kids With Purpose
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Raising Kids With Purpose, LLC

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