As parents, we spend so much time teaching manners, correcting behavior, providing ways to make our kids happy, maybe complaining about their behaviors and doing all the things, but why?! If you are like me and strive to raise good humans who can overcome challenges, love others and be interdependent, the absolute best way to do this is by helping our kids build resilience.
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Think of how you build a 1000 piece puzzle.
The first thing you do is find the corner and flat edge pieces to build the outer edges. The border represents the safe boundaries and limitations we need to set for our kids to live inside.
The next step is to look at the box as a reference as you sort the same colored pieces. The picture on the box is the map we give to our kids – the tools, skills, and ideas of how to live a fulfilling life.
Lastly, are the rest of the pieces. These bad boys belong to our children to move around eventually connect. The act of picking up the pieces, figuring out how they fit together, learning how to overcome challenges, making bold decisions all within the boundaries we set for them is how they develop resilience.
I did not make this analogy up but rather, recently heard it from Dr. Ken Ginsburg, Director of Programs at Center for Parent and Teen Communication.
It perfectly illustrates our role as parents that’s easy to remember so we can keep ourselves in check. We need to make sure the border isn’t missing any pieces and that we are allowing our kids to put the rest of the puzzle together regardless of how hard of a challenge.
How Resilience Impacts the Brain
Before I get into the nitty-gritty of how kids build resilience and why it’s important especially in parenting, I want to break down how stress affects the brain.
When a person faces a challenge, adversity or experiences something hard, the brain interprets that as stress. All of the alerts and signals go out through neurotransmitters and biochemicals to prepare the body to be better, stronger, and more capable. However, this process is intended to be very short term.
If the brain continues to release those biochemicals including cortisol and adrenaline, the immune and other systems in the body and brain begin to weaken. This is why when we are under a ton of stress, we often get sick or get a massive headache that won’t go away. That’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay, we need to gain control here!”
What also happens is that the prefrontal cortex, also known as the command center or thinker part of the brain, essentially turns off. That’s not a good thing because this is the part of the brain that needs to be activated in order to make rational decisions, organize thoughts and actions, think creatively and regulate emotions.
The prefrontal cortex brings calm to the chaos.
When a child (who will later become an adult) can develop resilience, this means that he or she is able to overcome challenges, recover from stress and turn his or her prefrontal cortex back on quicker and more efficiently.
It’s pretty stinking cool!
Because the more that this happens, the stronger those neural pathways become, resulting in our kids being able to adapt to, recover from and resolve conflict, failure or other forms of stress. Boo yah!
What Is Resilience?
Children need to be able to cope with change and overcome challenges.
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard situations, manage stress, solve problems and recover from failure.
In today’s society, it seems to be very common for parents to bubble wrap their kids by over-protecting, over-involving themselves and doing way too much. I say, parents, which includes me! There’s no shame in that! I think the reason stems from an enormous amount of love mixed with social conformity and a need for control.
However (you knew that was coming, right?!), what this bubble wrap is doing is keeping our kids’ brains from being able to manage stress, overcome challenges and make their own choices.
Most parents would say that they want their kids to be happy. I often hear moms saying they want to give their kids “the world”. The absolute best way to do this is to help them develop resilience! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
7 Attributes Kids Need to Develop Resilience
Typically if a child develops resiliency, he or she will grow up as an adult who is ABLE to handle stress, challenges, failures and whatever other lemons are thrown at them. Or is it lemons that are given to them?! Anyhoo, when children are able to develop the ability to be resilient, research has shown that they are able to make braver choices, be curious and creative, and most importantly, create a bigger wave of positivity in this world.
According to The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, kids who build resilience develop more positive relationships, healthy brain development, and better self-regulation skills.
Instead of focusing on the specific strategies and things you can do to teach kids resilience, I wanted to unpack the attributes Dr. Ken Ginsburg calls the 7 Essential C’s of Building Resilience.
1. Competence
All humans have a need to feel competent.
Innately, children want to not only know how to do something but also experience it for themselves. In The Self-Driven Child, the authors call competence an internal barometer of accomplishment.
Competence is more than just kids believing in their own abilities, but rather, actually taking action and living out those abilities.
For some reason, a lot of parents often lean towards doing most tasks for their kids. This may be because they fear failure, they think this is what a parent’s role is or because it’s quicker, easier and faster. However, when this happens, parents are stripping away their children’s ability to be able to handle situations on their own and gain a sense of accomplishment.
A great way to help kids become competent is to focus on their strengths instead of deficits in everything they do include the choices they make, behaviors they display, the way they solve problems and how they treat others.
2. Confidence
When kids feel competent…drum roll, please…confidence develops.
According to Fostering Resilience, “Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special or precious. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges.”
This kind of confidence comes from kids knowing that they have an adult really believing in them. And this isn’t the adult saying, “Good job” until he or she is blue in the face. Instead, it’s when parents encourage their children to work harder and are there to talk with and walk through challenges.
Bonus! Sign up for my newsletter and receive free strength-based printables with phrases that encourage kids through effort-based praise instead of empty praise AND a worksheet that helps you figure out your child’s strengths so you can build upon them.
3. Connection
If you’ve been around me in person or online, you know that I whole-heartedly believe in the power of connection. If our kids feel connected to us first, everything else falls in line and parenting doesn’t have to feel so stinking hard.
If kids feel like they are seen, safe and heard, they are more likely to make better choices, be creative and take risks.
Connections made with not only parents but also community members, friends, extended family, teachers, and coaches show kids that they really matter. That life is worth living.
Then, a sense of security is created that later becomes prevention to more harmful or destructive choices in life for a myriad of reasons.
Read Next: Quality Time: The Best Way to Stop Unwanted Behavior
4. Character
Kids need to understand and gain a sense of what is right and wrong. Regardless of what your individual family’s values are, it’s important that your kids know them and more importantly, see you living those values out.
Although your kids’ beliefs may change, being part of a family that has a strong sense of who they are is powerful. It provides the backbone for his or her character. A great time to reiterate your beliefs and values is during family meetings.
How your kids act when you’re not around is a good indicator of their character. If the way they behave away from you doesn’t fall in line with what your family’s values, take some time to do character building.
One of my favorite ways we have done this is by teaching our kids how to have a strong sense of gratitude. Sometimes they still appear as if they are ungrateful children, but for the most part, they are thankful for all the blessings in their lives.
5. Contribution
Something magical happens when children realize the world is a better place because they are part of it!
Take a look at how most schools motivate kids. They resort to physical rewards like stickers, treasure box items, and other empty verbal praise. But the research shows that these extrinsic motivators actually can demotivate kids because once they’re gone, there is no reason to keep engaging in that behavior. Also, some kids may feel like they will never receive those rewards so they don’t bother trying. We have seen that time and time again with our boys.
Instead, the focus should be getting kids to intrinsically motivate themselves from the inside out. When a child begins to understand the importance of personal contribution, he or she can truly find their purpose. And when anyone has a sense of purpose, motivation to do better comes naturally and is there to stay.
Lastly, contribution isn’t just about giving but also helping kids to learn how to be good receivers as well.
6. Coping Skills
All people need to learn how to effectively cope with and work through stress. If not, it becomes too much for the body and brain. This is why emotion coaching is so important. Kids need to know it’s healthy to express emotions but then know how to manage those emotions.
Coping skills include the choices that someone makes to overcome challenges. Do they resort to negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to bandaid their feelings or do they have another way to work through those problems?
This is such a gift all parents can give their kids. Not all things work out the way we want them to so we need to have a Plan B, C, and sometimes even D!
7. Control
I see this as a culprit for contention in parent-child relationships all the time!
Every human is born with a sense of needing to have control over their own lives. However, a lot of parents misinterpret their role of being responsible for their kids. They feel the need to fully control their kid’s choices, behaviors, and actions.
When children have control over their own lives, they know that when a challenge arises, they have the power to bounce back. Powerful, right?
Ginsburg says, “A young person who feels ‘everything always happens to me’ tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. He sees control as external—whatever he does really doesn’t matter because he has no control of the outcome.” [source]
When we look at it that way, it makes handing over the reigns to our kids a little easier. Again, as long as we still have the boundaries and limitations in place to protect their choices and guide them in the way they should go.
Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Overcome Challenges
In order for our children to build resilience, we must be intentional. Instead of jumping to reactive mode, take time to connect with your child first and let them know you believe in them. Support the decisions your kids make and give them the opportunity to build their masterpiece puzzle within the flat edge pieces you build around them.
The more they work on all of these skills, the easier it will be for them to pick themselves up every time they get knocked down.
Hello!!! I’m Adriane. I’m a mom to three loud boys, am a research-a-holic and very passionate person who writes at Raising Kids With Purpose. Parenting can feel so hard sometimes but with mindset shifts and understanding, it can be very enjoyable. My hope is to inspire parents like you to create lifelong connections with your children and enjoy the journey along the way!
