Inside: Siblings fighting can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for everyone in the family. This is definitely true for this scary time as we are not getting any breaks from each other. The best way to manage sibling conflict is by providing them the tools to develop skills they may not yet have.
Last spring, I was sitting in the shallow water of my gym’s beach entry pool when I overheard siblings fighting. I didn’t really pay much attention until I heard the mom’s response to them screaming her name wanting her to intervene.
Instead of telling them how to solve the problem, she simply asked, “Well, did you, “Walk, talk or rock?”
Did they what?!
You know, my ears perked up.
The little girl told her her mom, no, then went off with her brother and they talked a little and came up with a solution on their own. The fight ended in about two minutes flat before they were off playing with each other again.
The Reasons Siblings Fight
I break down the reasons siblings fight in this post. Basically, a lot is at play when it comes to brothers and sisters not being able to get along. Here are some of the main reasons:
- Development and maturity
- Sensory challenges
- Self-regulation skills
- Personality conflicts
- What is being modeled by peers, adults in their lives or other influences such as TV
- Culture
- Competition
It is good to look at the why behind any behavior so you know what to target in order for a change to happen. For my older boys, self-regulation and major sensory challenges and maturity all play a role in their sibling conflicts. One is incredibly impulsive and the other is highly sensitive so fighting can’t always be avoided.
The Key to Stop Siblings Fighting
My natural instinct when approaching a sibling quarrel is to correct, maybe increase the volume of my voice, use a strict tone and try to get them to stop immediately.
Or simply yell, “STOP FIGHTING!” or “BE NICE!”
However, this isn’t very effective. Womp Womp.
The reason is that if we take into account all the reasons why they might be fighting, being nice may not do the trick or they may not be able to stop due to how their brains are wired.
Instead, the key to eliminating siblings fighting is to teach your kids how to manage their own conflict.
On their own.
Without your involvement.
So really, this isn’t about keeping your kids from fighting but rather teach them how to resolve the conflicts they’re bound to have.
I recently read this quote from Corinna Tucker, a professor at the University of New Hampshire, “The sibling relationship is where you learn how to fight.”
Oooh, that’s good!
As kids grow into teens and then into adults, they will face conflict with friends, family, teachers, coaches, co-workers, or bosses. Where they get the best practice to resolve conflicts is with their own brothers and sisters under your roof!
Become Your Children’s COACH
Kids need to be taught how to resolve their own fighting. The best way to do this is to mediate the situation.
This does not mean you tell your kids what to say such as, “Tell him sorry,” or “Give back her toy,” but instead, guide the siblings into coming up with their own solution to the problem.
Remember, this is their problem, not yours!
What does this look like in the real world?
I’ve broken down what parenting experts recommend in teaching kids very important life skills such as conflict management, empathy, and perspective-taking.
Fighting Rules
You want to make sure you set ground rules ahead of time. Include your kids in deciding what these rules should be at your next family meeting.
There is a good chance they won’t follow all of these rules all of the time, but they’re good to have so your kids know what to strive for and what is important to your family.
Pssst: You can snag this as a poster along with the “Our Family’s Fighting Rules” Poster when you sign up for my newsletter.
Calm Down Time
If the situation is already heated, there is zero reason to focus on getting your kids to work out a problem.
They can’t.
In order to think rationally, kids need to first be connected to the thinker part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex. This shuts down and is inaccessible when the brain perceives a threat. It goes into fight or flight and angry, frustrated, or super sad states.
In our house, the first step is to separate.
For some reason though, this is very difficult for our boys to do. Although they’ll be mad at each other, they can not physically get away. As a parent, it’s so frustrating. What we have been focusing on is getting them to be self-motivated to leave each other alone to cool off.
Read next: How to Define and Discover Your Family Values
Talk It Out
If your kids are younger, they may need your help in mediating who talks first. Allow each child to tell his or her side of the story and make sure the sibling actually listens.
As your kids get older, they need to learn how to do this on their own while following the fighting rules. It’s very hard to listen when someone is shouting or touching you.
Talking it out is much easier for siblings to do if they are given tools on how to communicate.
We have adopted “A Bug and a Wish” and “I feel when statements.” This makes it easy for each of our boys to express his or her feelings using words, not hands. In turn, it helps the child receiving the message understand how his or her actions are affecting others.
Perspective Taking
This is a big part in resolving conflicts. Kids are self-centered thanks to the under-development of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. They don’t have the developmental skills to understand or interpret how their actions affect another; especially a sibling. Therefore, they need to be taught.
A great way to do this is to ask questions! “How did your actions make your little sister feel?” or “Do you notice how he is feeling right now after you pinched his arm?”
Allow your child to do the thinking with your guidance!
>>Bonus Tip!
I read a research study about how siblings fighting can lead to poor mental health to my 10-year-old and immediately, I could see that he had an “uh oh” feeling in his gut. I wasn’t using this information to make him feel shame but rather, a little guilt. It helped him understand that his actions can make a lasting impact on others – for better or for worse.
Since sharing that information, his perspective has shifted a little causing him to put a lot more effort into resolving conflicts with his brother in a non-physical way. It has really brought them closer together…for the time being.
Solution Time
Typically, by the time our kids talk it out, they’re already onto the next thing. However, some conflicts need solutions. The reason is for both parties to move on so that conflict doesn’t happen again in the near future.
This can be done in any fashion that works best for your family. Every child is unique and handles stress differently. Siblings can write ideas that would work for both kids, draw pictures, or simply both come up with an idea and decide on which one would work best.
Act of Kindness
One last thing we do if the “offense” is bad is to encourage the offender to do an act of kindness for the brother or sister. Another phrase we often use is, “What can you do to make things right.” We also ask, “How do you think he or she is feeling?” This is instead of forcing a child to say, “sorry.”
A great way to do this is to have your kids fill out these kindness cards by For Purpose Kids! Or another suggestion could be to do chores for each other or play a preferred game.
Your Role in Ending Sibling Fighting
All of the above steps help kids resolve their own conflicts. When teaching these skills to your kids, it’s important that you:
- Let your kids work out the problems on their own
- Only intervene if it’s getting physical or harmful
- Do not take sides
- Model good conflict management yourself
- Have patience
Walk, Talk, or Rock
Now back to walk, talk, or rock. After understanding what needs to happen to help kids solve their own conflicts and fight less, this strategy is brilliant!
This simple parenting tool incorporates basic conflict management skills for kids in a playful way that gives your kids control.
When introducing the concept go through what each of the words means:
Walk – Either party can choose to walk AWAY. As I mentioned, our boys have a very tough time with this one. But for some reason, if it’s an option in this context, they are more likely to do it.
Talk – Together, your kids can choose to use their words (not hands) to solve the problem. Give them different ways to talk as mentioned above.
Rock – If the argument is over a toy that one person wants or an activity he or she wants to do, the siblings can do, “rock, paper, scissors” to see who gets it. This could cause more issues but usually, it’s a quick solution.
As I was writing this, I overheard my seven-year-old doing rock, paper, scissors with my toddler. My little guy didn’t really get it and just got angrier. So maybe, this strategy is better for kids who are a tad older!
Ending Siblings Fighting
Next time your kids are ready to battle it out, instead of running to the rescue and solving their problem or telling them what to do, let them work it out. And if they don’t have the tools yet, start loading up that toolbox!
Bonus! Fighting Rules!
For you! When you sign up for my newsletter, you will get a PDF you can download with two different fighting rules posters to hang and use as a reminder for your kids.
How do you handle sibling conflict?
Comment below and let me know what kind of tricks, tips, or strategies you employ when there is constant fighting in your house!
