In the past when a problem came up, we would often be reactionary with our kids. We had certain rules set in place but weren’t always consistent. It was easy to give in to lessen the yelling and whining. Oh, the whining sure wears me down.

When my husband and I saw a behavior we didn’t like, we would address it right then. If I saw that there was a way one of my kids could contribute to the family, without warning, I would tell them that this was their new chore. No discussion. No sense of autonomy. No checking in with their minds or hearts.

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How family meetings impact our life

It didn’t occur to me until I was reading Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students that having a family meeting could help change things. It’s especially helpful for gifted kiddos but for all kids. I feel like I benefit just as much.

Another thing to consider is that we are born with wanting to belong. Where else should we feel welcome and like we’re part of a team than with our own family?

We consistently now have family meetings on Sundays and they have impacted our kids in such a huge way. The meetings are usually a mix of screaming, running around, dancing and cheering with a dash of order.

To be honest, it can feel crazy. One kid keeps leaving the room. The other is gluing and taping paper together. The littlest is there for the dancing. Even with the chaos, something amazing happens:

• Our kids have input on decisions that impact them.
• Problems or challenges get addressed in a judgment-free zone.
• Our family values are highlighted and reiterated.
• We find out if there’s something going on with someone that didn’t come up during the week.
• Everyone feels like they are part of something bigger than themselves. They have others cheering them on.
• Chores and family contributions are assigned.

Related: 6 Genius Ways to Make Your Family Values Stick

Why Should We Have Family Meetings?

Family Meetings can help build stronger families. Because everyone is in one room together with no other agenda than to communicate with each other, it develops an unbreakable bond. As years go on, these times together create memories of support. There may be complaints in the process as we have experienced with our kids. I can tell deep down under the occasional grumbling, tthat hey value the time together.

These are the things that children can learn:

• Listening skills
• How to be respectful to others
• Self-confidence and how to have a high self-esteem
• Using their voice to communicate how they feel or what they want
• Problem-solving skills and how to learn from mistakes
• How to present and resolve issues or conflicts collaboratively
• Family members are interdependent. The actions they take can affect everyone else in the family
• How to have a different perspective than just their own

Read Next: An Easy Way for Kids To Pack School Lunch

The goal of a Family Meeting should be to open communication between everyone in the family. Allowing our kids to have a voice gives them autonomy but also in this type of environment, they can get a lot of guidance and know who is ultimately in charge.

Quick Tip! To have a successful family meeting, use my FREE Family Meeting Agenda.

Tips for Having a Successful Family Meeting

Keep in mind that family dynamics play a part in how a family meeting can be conducted. The idea is to do what works best for your family. Here are some tips and guidelines that can help set up successful Family Meetings.

Set Ground Rules 

Being respectful, listening more than speaking, not interrupting, building others up not tearing them down are all examples of simple ground rules everyone should follow.

My oldest has a VERY tough time with not interrupting, disagreeing, or having to contribute his ideas and opinions to every discussion so this is often a weekly skill we discuss that he needs to work on for that week.

Bring On The Treats!

Have a special treat for the kids to have during the meeting.

This can be anything from popcorn, special smoothies, muffins to frozen yogurt. Our kids aren’t used to getting a lot of sweet treats so a family meeting is a perfect time to let them indulge a little.

Make It Short

Try to aim for 15 minutes or less.

Have an agenda, get through it, and let everyone feel heard. This is a tough one for me. When we first started having meetings, we would all say something nice about each person in our family. Then once all the compliments were finished, that person would get to dance around the house hearing us chant their name. My toddler LOVED this part.

But what ended up happening was the meeting got dragged out making it too long to keep attention.

Keep It Positive and Light

The goal should be to keep the overall tone light and positive.

Encourage your children to use “I” statements whenever they are addressing a conflict with another family member.

For example, “It didn’t feel good whenever you kept shooting me with Nerf guns while I was doing my homework.” And try to insert humor and laughter when possible. Share a funny story that happened that previous week or a joke you recently heard.

Keep A Consistent Day For The Meeting

Try to find a day (and try to be consistent with time) that you regularly have meetings.

If you have to skip a week, pick right back up the following week. Our day is Saturday because when we tried during the week after school, it was a total disaster. When they get home from school, they want to decompress, play, or go to practice, not be required to focus on one more thing.’

Read Next: 18 Ways to Help Your Child Calm Down

Focus On Strengths

When discussing problems or challenges, try to do so from a strengths perspective. Point out your kids’ strengths and how they can use those to solve the problem or start behaving the way you prefer.

Bonus! I have a GREAT resource to help you understand and remember your children’s strengths. By signing up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter, you can get it for FREE!

Don’t Force Anyone To Participate

The key is to encourage participation from everyone (even toddlers) but not to force it.

Also, give them time to think over what they want to discuss instead. Try to let your kids come up with their own solutions.

This is another struggle for me. I have a controlling tendency so I want them to come up with ideas right away. “Everyone must participate and contribute to the meeting right now!” I have to remind myself that this is a way to create a bond with our family, not make them hate me.

My husband and I both have developed a habit of asking our kids a question and then answering it before letting them think. It takes kids time to process ideas sometimes or they may not be used to coming up with their ideas because we’re too quick to answer for them.

Change Up The Meeting Space

Pick a room in your house that will keep your kids engaged and want to have a meeting in. That may be your kitchen, living room, dining room, back porch, or whatever space you find will fit best.

I love this tip! You may also want to consider changing it up maybe once a month and doing it at a park, a froyo place, Chick-fil-A or somewhere where they can have fun afterward.

End With Fun!

Add an element of fun to the very end of the meeting. This gives the kids a memory maker for the kids to look forward to.

Examples include a board game or a dance party. My kids sure love dancing to some 80s music. Who doesn’t? If you are unable to take time to play an entire game, you can do a minute-to-win-it game that only takes ONE minute, some kind of race if you’re at a special place as mentioned above.

How to Avoid Push Back For Family Meetings

Lastly, we all know that kids have their own agendas. Whether at a school or home-schooled, they are required to take instruction from someone else and follow rules. Adding one more thing they have to do usually results in pushback. That’s okay! Don’t take this as an end-all. “No one is interested in doing a family meeting so I guess we won’t have them,” is not the attitude to have because of how important time is. Instead, here are some things you can do:

Set up some time for training

Take your time to develop what will be covered in the meetings.

Maybe start with going over how the agenda will be created and what will go on it the first week. After the agenda is established, introduce encouragement and compliments. Have everyone support each other in the ideas brought up for the agenda.

Then within a few weeks, explain how brainstorming for the ideas will work to solve problems.

Explain why it’s important

With my boys, if they understand why we’re doing something, there is usually more buy-in.

Emphasize what your children value most

For my family that would be special treats and games! As long as the goals of the meeting are accomplished, it doesn’t matter how much time is taken on the fun parts of the meeting.

Don’t be discouraged to stop early and try again the following week

Consistency is key even if that means the first month of meetings are only five minutes each. As your kids get used to the format, they will be more apt to enjoy the time spent together.

Give It a Fun Name

Calling it a “Family Meeting” can make it sound too formal, rigid, and mandatory which causes resistance. Change the name up to capture what that time together means to your family.

• Use a “big word” to make it sound fancy like Family Colloquy or Family Confab (how fun is that word?!)
• Take “meeting” completely out of the title. You could use names such as “Family Huddle” or “Family Rally”
• Make the focus on something other than the meeting part and name it something like “Family Game Night” or “Family Fun Time”
• Take a poll and ask your kids what they would like it to be called.

I’m not sure why, but our family calls it, Matt Damon. Whatever works!

Family meetings can be one of the most important things you do as a family unit.

Your kids whether they show appreciation or not will be getting so much from this time spent together than they can realize. And it’s not just about them. It’s a really great time to focus on who your kids are becoming and how to help foster your relationship and their growth.

Focus on these tips and you will have years’ worth of valuable time spent with your family.

Family Meeting Agenda

Need something to help you with your family meetings? My friend and author, Amy Carney, has a monthly Family Meeting Agenda specifically designed for families with teens. Or sign up to receive a free weekly agenda I made just for you!

Originally published Oct 30, 2018, and updated Oct 22, 2019