“Mom! Look, I’m using my perseverance strength!” is what I recently heard my eight-year-old excitedly yell to me as he picked himself up continuing to follow the dirt path.
He had just fallen down a huge cinder cone we were exploring while hiking in Northern Arizona. He even needed a bandaid on his bottom because of the deep cuts, but yet, he brushed himself off so he could continue onto the hoodoos and slot canyons that were up ahead.
Kids pick themselves up all the time.
What is significant about this particular experience is that my Twice Exceptional son who has severe anxiety typically crumbles when getting physically hurt. Or he quickly gives up feeling defeated.
Not this time!
The reason is that he recently took the VIA Character Strengths Test, and perseverance was one of his top strengths. Simply by seeing this on test results helped him overcome his anxiety and anger which also allowed him to enjoy a really incredible hike.
Table of Contents
Building Your Child’s Strengths Is Important
On the list of attributes that I hope my kids learn while living in our home, I would have to say that optimism and resilience top the list.
When parents can build upon their child’s strengths, that child becomes more resilient, optimistic, and confident, and can develop a strong sense of self which is needed to survive in this world.
When people can find joy and strength in the person God created them to be, they are typically also optimistic and can go through trials feeling stronger and often better.
Read Next: 4 Surprising Reasons Your Children Are Ungrateful
Pressure For Kids To Turn Out a Certain Way
There are societal pressures for kids to turn out a certain way or become something in particular.
Parents sometimes forget that their children are their people. Because of this, our society often focuses on children’s weaknesses and how to “fix” or “correct” them, especially in the neurodiverse world.
When we do this though, our kids’ sense of self can quickly decline causing many other mental challenges.
It can honestly backfire too.
If we put too much pressure on our kids to be something they are not, then when they are able to, they may rebel or go in a completely opposite direction.
Schools also reinforce this idea.
There is so much pressure on grades and achievements, having to behave a certain way, adhere to specific standards, etc which can really take a toll on a child who isn’t innately created to fit in a traditional school box. This ideology can crush who are kids really are.
This also puts pressure on parents to make sure their kids conform or fix what may seem like is “wrong” according to teachers, coaches, adults, and society.
Oh, how this can be so detrimental to a precious child’s development.
What we parents need to do is lean into who our kids innately are and not who everyone wants them to be.
This is done by building up our children’s strengths. They will be way better off and able to healthily grow into self-actualized adults who are both resilient and optimistic. Woot Woot!
The Secret to Building Your Child’s Strengths While Decreasing Weaknesses
It is quite simple to build up your child’s strengths.
The secret is that it starts with you!
You need to shift your perspective and possibly your approach to behavior.
Some parents worry that only focusing on strengths causes kids to be pompous or over-confident. The research shows that this is simply NOT true.
Think about it, do you like it when someone points out your weaknesses telling you what you’re doing wrong? I know I don’t like that!
Instead, if someone focuses on your strengths, it makes you feel better and more confident about yourself while growing that strength or skill.
Our kids are the same way and probably even more than us!
Read Next: 6 Genius Ways to Make Your Family Values Stick
Another example is if you have a child who struggles with behavior at school and he or she is constantly getting in trouble for what he or she is doing wrong. You know, the kids who are always on “red”. >>Side Note: I am NOT a fan of these kinds of charts and find them very detrimental for the kids who they are intended for<< The more that child feels like the bad kid, the more “bad” he or she usually becomes.
I have been there with my own kids. And I often hear from parents who once were that “bad kid”.
My child had a few different years like this where he faced so much negativity.
And honestly, I faced a lot of negativity with every email and parent-teacher conference. He behaved the same way every year. However, when he had teachers who utilized and focused on his strengths instead of his weaknesses, the unwanted behaviors lessened and the learning increased. His self-confidence also increased and he WANTED to do well. He just needed someone to see that he had strengths although he couldn’t sit still or focus on uninteresting topics because of how his brain is wired.
In The Strength Switch, Dr. Lea Water states, “A strong child is a child who can play to his strengths while simultaneously working on his weaknesses because solid self-identity gives him the sturdy foundation necessary to acknowledge and address the areas he needs to improve. Being strength-based doesn’t mean we ignore weaknesses. It means we view and approach them from a different, larger context.”
Find What Is Right Before Pointing Out What Is Wrong
To discover and build up our child’s strengths, we need to change our focus from the default of what is wrong.
Instead, focus on what your kid is doing RIGHT!
This is so hard to do if you’ve never done it before or if you weren’t parented this way.
There are many reasons why this is challenging. Dr. Waters breaks them all down in the book. As humans, we face:
- Selective Attention | Our brains choose what to focus on based on past experiences. The brain is an association machine!
- Negativity Bias | Our brains are also wired to focus on what’s wrong faster than what’s right. It’s always on the lookout for danger. I actually read once that our brain stores negative memories in a different part of the brain than positive ones and that negative memories are easier to retrieve than positive ones. Interesting!
- Defense mechanisms | We are programmed to look at weaknesses in others before we can see them in ourselves. This can cause us to displace our weaknesses on our kids or superimpose our desired strengths on them making them do the same sports, interests, or activities we are best at.
- Binary thinking | This is when parents put kids’ strengths and weaknesses in “either/or” categories of thinking their child either has this strength or has this weakness.
When we can build upon our children’s strengths, they will stop thinking that something is wrong with them or worse, that they are broken.
Kids don’t need to be fixed, they need to be built up!
The characteristics are already there. Sometimes as parents, we just need to uncover whatever may be blocking those strengths from being able to shine through!
How to Reframe To Focus On Strengths
Dr. Lea Waters calls this The Strength Switch, hence the name of her book. Here are the four ways you can focus on your child’s strengths first:
1. Start with you
Doesn’t everything in parenting begin with this? Well, if it doesn’t, it should!
Here are a few tips on how to do this:
1. Pay attention to how you are feeling when your kids behave a certain way.
2. Write down your triggers.
3. Figure out what irritates or frustrates you the most.
Once you are self-aware about how you feel, the next step is to not attach to those feelings. They’re simply feelings. If we can separate ourselves from them, then it’ll be a lot easier to recognize our kids’ strengths even when they are driving you bananas!
2. Quickly Pick a Strength
During a discipline moment, quickly pick a strength your child has that can help them overcome that behavior.
It’s super helpful if you already have a list of your child’s strengths written down. PSSST – I have a printable that helps you do this and you can download that here!
Both of my older boys have taken the VIA Character Strengths Youth Test as I mentioned earlier. I highly recommend all kids take this free test! You can get the results for free or pay to get a PDF emailed to you.
It’s a long test so besides getting kids reading and thinking, it reveals what their core character strengths are. Then, from those core strengths, you can discover what other related strengths they have.
When my boys first took it, my oldest was incredibly in tune with who he is and how he behaves. My other son answered the questions differently than I would have but we went with it. He recently took the test again as he has gained more self-awareness with age and his top strengths were more reflective of who he is.
After your children take the test, write down their top five strengths and a few others on your free printable. This will help you focus on the strengths you are helping your child build.
3. Visualize Your Child’s Strength
In The Strength Switch, Dr. Waters suggests that you visualize an actual switch to turn on.
I often visualize the strength.
My middle son’s top strength is perseverance so I imagine him falling and getting right back up. You can pick whatever works to remind you to focus on strengths and what is right instead of weaknesses and what is wrong.
4. Point Out Your Child’s Strengths As You See It
Anytime you see your child using his or her strengths, simply tell him or her. Don’t overdo it and don’t disguise it in empty praise like, “Good job for being a leader.” Instead, use phrases like, “You just used your perseverance strength.”
I have a son who is very competitive with others and himself so I play into that. He sometimes has a difficult time being kind to his younger brother so I will point out that I see his kindness strength growing. Then, he’ll randomly ask me, “Do you think my kindness strength is moving up in rank? Can I retake the test to see?”
I could easily tell him he is constantly unkind or not nice to his brother and to be nice. Instead, I (try to) focus on his strength getting bigger and stronger, and in turn, that’s exactly what happens. And my toddler will come up to me and ask how his kindness strength is looking because little ears hear and process everything!
Make The Change To Focus On Strengths
Next time your kids are fighting or doing something that is driving you bananas, I suggest that you think of a strength that they can build in that moment instead of correcting what is wrong.
Chances are, if you have talked to your kid about the behavior before, they know what they’re supposed to be doing so you don’t need to keep saying the same thing feeling like a broken record.
It may take a while to make this “strength switch” but once you do, you may see growth in areas you didn’t think were possible.
If this is encouraging and helpful, please consider sharing! Thanks!
Hello!!! I’m Adriane. I’m a mom to three loud boys, am a research-a-holic and very passionate person who writes at Raising Kids With Purpose. Parenting can feel so hard sometimes but with mindset shifts and understanding, it can be very enjoyable. My hope is to inspire parents like you to create lifelong connections with your children and enjoy the journey along the way!
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